This Poem was Submitted By: Michael Bird On Date: 2007-04-07 20:08:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Didn`t I ?

Didn't I hear you cry last night? Didn't I feel your tears? Didn't I hear you call my name this morning? Didn't I feel your pain? You tell me you dont love me, But your sorrow is all I can see. You need to tell somebody, But dont tell me. `cause your sorrow is all I can see. Didn't you hear me cry last night? Didn't you feel my tears? Didn't I call out your name this morning? Didn't you feel my pain? You tell me you don't love me, But your sorrow is all I can see. You say you need to tell me, But don't tell me, No,don't tell me, `cause your sorrow is all I can see.

Copyright © April 2007 Michael Bird

Additional Notes:
random thoughts with the urge to write something

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2007-05-02 08:47:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michael, one must give credit to any source for quotes. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2007-04-12 22:56:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Michael, Above all, this is a sort of song/lyrics. Do a little more of a chorus...and find a friend to put it to music. Above all, modern musicians seem to need poetical lines, so perhaps go that direction? As a poem, there's not enough substance to carry the writing, nothing unique enough to gather second reading. Now Michael, reach deep inside and tell us something we haven't heard before! You can do it. Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-04-09 06:53:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lots of emotions packed in this one poet......nicely done.......have you thought of putting the words to music? I really feel it would sing well..........if these are indeed random thoughts brought on by an urge to write something then please bring on more..................the images created with the flare of your pen are many. Thanks and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-04-08 17:40:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi write down your "random thoughts" pretty well. This is such a melancholy piece and I can feel the sorrow written within the lines. All the time I was reading it I was thinking it should be a song. All you need is a tune for the words. I do have a couple of suggestions....and remember that is all they are just suggestions that you can use or lose. Didn't I hear you call my name this morning?....I would drop 'this morning' for a more even flow in this line and the line farther down also. After "didn't I feel your pain?" I would make a break and let the next four lines stand alone. Then I would also let 'cause your sorrow is all I can see' on a seperate line so you can do the same when the line is repeated as your last line. Then let the next four lines stand alone, as well. Since this may be confusing let me just show you what I mean...I will show the words to delete as () Didn't I hear you cry last night? Didn't I feel your tears? Didn't I hear you call my name (this morning?) Didn't I feel your pain? You tell me you don't love me, But your sorrow is all I (can) see. You need to tell somebody, But don't tell me. `cause your sorrow is all I can see. Didn't you hear me cry last night? Didn't you feel my tears? Didn't I call out your name (this morning?) Didn't you feel my pain? You tell me you don't love me, But your sorrow is all I (can) see. You say you need to tell me, But don't tell me, No,don't tell me, `cause your sorrow is all I (can) see. I think just a few changes, here and there, can enhance the message your are conveying and make it tighter for a more even flow. I am so glad to see a poem from your pen and I hope you will write more. Cheers....Marilyn
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