This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-06-08 16:06:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Fishing She sees the sunrise
with amber flakes of light
on water’s edge,
thoughts of him
lap at the corner of her mind.
She remembers
the arc of his cast
the fly piercing her gaze,
and reflections that stagger
through transparent water
liked warped glass.
She recalls
the drape of his shadow;
teasing fish
with a flick of wrist.
Sinewy rhythm
deftly luring with hook and snell.
Shattered water licks
her toes and mingles
with tears like lace, falling.
She saw him walk
water’s borders
until swallowed by distance.
She inhales the breath of night;
while day slips into memory’s shadow,
silence holds her hand.
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Copyright © June 2007 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
For those of you who are non-fisherman a 'snell' is a fishline leader.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-06-29 13:00:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Thoughts of my own father enter my mind as I read this one poet.......the images you present with the flare of your pen are super great........love the way you see, feel, perhaps even smell the man who you feel within these lines ..someone very special, dear and close to your heart though no longer with you in the present form.........what a special way to spend the day as well........so relaxing to be one with nature, one with the world and one with your God..............enjoyed the read and to me it is just fine the way it is........thanks and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-06-26 23:07:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn,
This is a beautiful poem. Is it written about your husband? There are some unique phrases used, very poetic and
captivating imagery.
She sees the sunrise
with amber flakes of light
on water’s edge,
thoughts of him
lap at the corner of her mind. - In this verse, I like the way you use "lap" in conjunction with the water, to describe her thoughts - good choice.
She remembers
the arc of his cast
the fly piercing her gaze,
and reflections that stagger
through transparent water
liked warped glass. - This verse reads like a photograph, a memory etched deep in someones mind.
Shattered water licks
her toes and mingles
with tears like lace, falling. - This verse is really sad. The loss is felt within these words, and the reader can't help but feel the immense void that has been left.
She inhales the breath of night;
while day slips into memory’s shadow,
silence holds her hand. - This is my favorite verse - The imagery of the inhale, this has such an emotional punch to it - day slips into memory's shadow - very good, and the last, but not least -
silence holds her hand. Again, the void could possibly bring tears to ones eyes - just a very gut-wrenching statement - and the perfect ending for this poem.
It's a shame, the idea for this comes from personal loss - but you have written something good - and I am amazed at how well you have done that.
On my list,
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2007-06-22 08:59:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Marilyn
Another enjoyable piece. You know what I look at is the flow, the feeling within, the presentation, and the structure of a poem in my reviews. You have the flow, you have feeling, and the presentation and scene well defined. The only question I have is about the first three stanza's where you have 1 five line followed by 2 six lines, then in the second part you have three 3 line stanza's, did you want to have the first stanza a six line? Just wondering not that it effects the poetry but it does make the poem uneven in structure. If it was intended to be freeform no issue but if you wanted a structured poem then you might want to add an additional line to the first.
Just a thought.
Thanks for sharing. Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2007-06-15 10:29:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, sounds like you are fishing for memories. I sort of like the feel this month in the offerings. It is as if the walk down of life has left similar spores for the watchers.
Your dual use of “lap†; that of the waves of the lake and the waves of memories. Excellent- as well as the “amber†lights. Scene setting is so important and you have placed us right with you.
In describing the craft, (that of fishing), you use great descriptors- “arcâ€, “piercingâ€, “warped†“reflections†“sinewyâ€, just a well written piece Marilyn. In your description we can see, with you, the silhouette of the fisherman- the cast and the mood of the day, the fisherman, even the art surrounding the mood.
Then you take us to her, with “toes in water†and the feelings she has as she watches. At first I thought this was a little girl and her father- but the vocabulary becomes romantic and the view more a longing for the man, rather than the father. It seems you waited for the twist till later in the verse- but then retreating to the early verses, it is more evident and reads differently.
Quite a sensual vision of the moment, of fishing in general, and touching, so touching, that the moment was shared with us. Marilyn, I think one of the best pieces, if not the best piece, I have read of your craft.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-06-12 23:23:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Gmarilyn,
I like the ones you write 'of him'.
In between the lines swells the love and respect for his actions and his being.
This could be about a father, but I think more a mate.
Wrapped around 'him' are so loving cherished memories.....they emit such love
and sadness because its no more. I think you could fill a library of books
about him. Which could be used by others to express their hearts.
Not a bad idea to do?.......
Think about it!
Lovely Marilyn, he brings you to the front!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2007-06-08 18:14:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
Wow, as I read I could invision the scene, both from your words and then the reflection of how many times I'd watched both my father and husband perform this ritual. This is totally wonderful and such a testament to those who fish (especially the fly fisherman). Thank you for a wonderful afternoon respite, a walk through memories and sharing a very emotional heart felt memory with us. I hear the silence.
Best always,
Lora
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