This Poem was Submitted By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-01-17 01:05:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © January 2008 Dellena Rovito
Gone The Sweet Sound Of The Lark
Sweetness thrives in the center of a cream puff
I thought it was in the wind, blowing flower’s perfume
I heard the melody of chimes and thought it there
I recognized the loving sweetness in a mother’s lullaby
I believed it possible to grasp it and keep it with
Ownership in the grand lodge of goodness and honey
Wanting the magic kingdom of wonderful intentions
I imagined with wishes all things reigned noble
I wanted a smile to be happiness, enthusiasm unbounded
Instead it’s a pretentious facade that cannot be readily trusted
Copious words of adulation are but obsequious prattle
Why get ensnared in the predacious spider’s web?
Lovely the summer clouds, but great fantasies are not enough
Give me the properties of life and growth, and I’ll forgo sweetness.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-02-01 04:21:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Interesting read poet, memories perhaps of a life once lived in which all was good within our world.....soon to change though as one law turns into another then another and there the sweetness of it all ended as one group decided to take control and run with it..........mom used to like to sit and watch the clouds roll by telling us what she could see above.......fantasies might have been enough for her back then but even mom opened her eyes before leaving this world we live in and often searched for the sound of the whipporwhil at dusk letting her know all was right within her world. Strange how ones thoughts on paper bring forth so many other thoughts and memories along with hopes and dreams of things still to come. Thanks for posting, hope you are well and warm during this rather cold spell.....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-01-20 12:13:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Pleasant enough of a read however it is lacking in that "zing" factor. You've got an important issue here, it needs to be more decisive...not quite so laid back. I understand what your saying however, you are saying it like a whisper, not with the passion I know you feel burning inside about the issue. However as you know this is just MHO. Perhaps you could focus more on your main idea, clarify what your going for...and possibly demand that things be different instead of wishing them so... just a few thoughts. A good work with great potential, I did enjoy having a read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-01-18 09:30:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dellena, the play in this poem between the way we fall to fancy,
questions the element in it of escape. In the end you are very
right to demand, "Give me the properties of life and growth, and
I'll forgo sweetness". Yes, it is the way of growth as opposed
to the way of "sweetness", painting our reality with wish.
Your syntax and rich use of language indicate to me elements of
this growth. You are almost redefining yourself and that is a
joy to see, both on the intellectual front and that of poet.
In the fifth verse of two line set, is the center of your poem's
core, "I wanted a smile to be happiness, enthusiasm unbounded/
Instead it's a pretentious facade that cannot be readily trusted.
The assonance here is superb as was as your delivery of meaning.
I'm very taken with your choice of title. the lark becomes an
almost stoic notion for euphemism of the "sweetness" ideal.
Something working the mind to get around and well worth the
An elegant poem and one impressive at every level of interpretation.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-01-17 17:23:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi D.....this is one of those poems that gives me a mixed message on the first read. But as I read it the second time it is clear to me that the poet is searching for something in life that is true not false, the best part of life without enduring the worst. I feel some disappointment in the words...like the poet has been fooled too many times to really believe in much for fear of being hurt one more time. This may not be your intent but your words speak to me in this manner. I think we all indulge in fantasy at one time or another but in the end that is not what we are searching for. A very thought provoking poem!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2008-01-17 13:09:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
In this poem, you’re mixing ideas around like a recipe gone amok –‘sweetness in the middle of a cream puff’ meant to convey empty calories, no sustenance, sweetness without depth - that metaphor is the closest to your meaning. This ties well into the theme of your poem, that of distress with superficiality. The poem is a statement about wanting substance, real meaning; “kingdom of wonderful intentions” and the disappointment ‘thought something special was there’.
Wanting ‘not magic’ but ‘all things noble’, in short, things to be exactly as they seem not “pretentious façade that cannot be readily trusted”.
You state you do not want false sweetness, false praise but you do not make a case for ‘predacious spider’s web’; unless you bring into the poem the reasons for the harshness/judgement conveyed by these words. Many praise because they want to be liked, many flatter because they are afraid of confrontation, many smile because they really have nothing to say. Superficial, but often with no intention to harm. If you mean something more serious, it can be shown by even a few words, so that the reader knows WHY the writer uses these intense words.
I understand what you are saying, but you choose to represent your ideas by denigrating several things that are in themselves good and you seem to state that life and growth require foregoing the benefit that comes from the lighter touches of life.
If you want to convey better the theme of your poem, pick your issues, which I think is form without substance, sweetness false smiles, show how and why they can ensnare, and then choose your metaphors to show your meaning, contrasted to something other than what is by nature good. There is nothing of nature ('sweet sound of the lark') that has to be forsaken in seeking the real. Unless you, as some Christian mystics consider all of the sensory world a temptation leading to hell. Which I don’t think you do.
Now, you say several things in this poem in good poetic ways, and I think this poem has potential to show what you’re trying to say with far less confusion. I hope you will keep every good part, and just run the thread closer to your meaning.
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