This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-06-02 22:39:12 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Char-Cold Winter left blackened hands
skating deep & swiftly over cracked ice.
Holding fire, a sphere of hellish moments
while waiting to buy the sun a gift for
melting the coldest days in life.
A trade of goods could not render enough
satisfaction to supreme light, consistent through
unmissed diaries written.
Portrayal of luck - Or lack of.
Behind the shades shaking fading under fallen stars,
A volume of promises would not do.
Gold, no gracious gratitude
give such power,
neither proper respect
nor infinity of smiles grand enough
appreciation that restores searing pain.
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Copyright © June 2009 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2009-07-06 09:54:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I believe, for my liking, this is the best piece you have ever written. The metaphors cause reactions that demand finding some comparison in ones own life.
There are too many favorite lines, so I will speak to the most favorite, for me;
“sphere of hellish moments†the recollection that brings “blackening hands†and winters bite- an extraordinary description.
“unmissed diaries written†recollections that should? , or experiences that could? or those memories that have passed beyond recollection that demand such? Excellent ambivalence.
“shades fading under fallen stars†exquisite!!
“appreciation that restores searing pain†how wonderful, how true. A poets line.
I believe, as I said, for me, this is your best piece I have read. Excellent.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2009-06-25 17:55:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
Why would hands skate?
Winter left blackened hands skating deep & swiftly over cracked ice.
I'm not catching your idea.
The last lines, show the pain but I can't tie anything together.
Sorry
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-06-13 22:34:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
very interesting title and play on 'charcoal' - dark, symbolic of suffering, torment....
'Holding fire, a sphere of hellish moments
while waiting to buy the sun a gift for
melting the coldest days in life.'
While there is a powerful sense of emtoion here I would recommend looking at this verse. The image tangled me up a bit because you refer to the hellish sphere of fire that represent the low points in your life and then go on to thank the sun ( also a sphere of fire) for melting the days of winter. Dont hold fire...hold ice and then gift the sun for melting the days of winter. Your image would then not contradict itself.
Once, this is done, I feel the consistency of the piece would then be restored and will help make the following verses evocative and effective in transmitting your message.
Take care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2009-06-08 10:18:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni,
The most difficult balance to achieve is the one between thought and inspiration. That is a constant battle whose perfection is the key to the highest level of achievement I think. It is something we must all work at.
I tend to find that the best poems, those worth remembering, come from inspiration. You then rework them to give make them stronger in "thought," but must resist the temptation to make them too rational. That kills the breath of the Spirit, the inspiration. The consent and approbation of the rational mind, and serving that, kills too many poems for me.
One can sense here a powerful inspiration. But I think in rewriting your rational mind did a little too much working over of the original inspiration.
That may be a personal preference of mine which you might want to ignore. Test it for yourself and see. The poem comes highly praised, and I think it is very good. One of your best, but I'd have to go back and look at some others i like very much before saying, "your best."
Again, a pleasure to see such leaps and bounds in the growth of your poetry.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2009-06-04 22:53:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deni-Mari,
Very good poem! The line "A volume of promises would not do." is powerful, and I would end the poem there;
the last stanza has already been somewhat said previous in the poem. "Shades shaking fallen stars" has tremendous movement and depth, in fact is absolutely superb.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-06-04 09:40:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I'll tell you something, DeniMari, all the well formulated, contrived rhyme in the world is not worth
that found in subtlety. Like yours found in, "...consistant through/unmissed diaries written." Trading the
power found in intense meaning for simply jumbling words around is no gain, but loss to any reader searching
your intentions and far more induced by your imagery and word precision. Superb illiteration in, "shades
shaking fading..." "Portrayal of luck - Or lack of." juxtaposes fortune (as does life) and offers an inverse
play on words while the parallelism found in posing seasonal expectations with that of fortunes in life,
deepens the value of this poem and broadens its appeal outward (rather than inward,) the mark of good poetry.
We are struck by our Muses oddly, for it is sometimes a thought striking mind differently, sometimes a vivid
scenario from dreams, sometimes bits of the past reflecting facets they haven't before. But we take up the pen most often best to penetrate into ourselves before we have actually found what we wish to share.
In that, poetry finds its unique difference with prose. Nothing else.
Some people do this well, while others are looking for novel wall paper. A muse to them is a good dinner they
they had the day before or a fine bottle of wine that made the duck more enjoyable.
But not for you.
JCH
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