This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2009-11-05 13:09:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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New Zealand

This land of beauty speaks in hues of green while massive mountains rise cathedral high, where closely fit designs will drive the soul and every day the scene begins again. The summit peaks resemble hats of white that vanish smartly stabbing clouds and sky. Their trees of pine and willow side by side astound the practiced eye with every gaze. The flowers bloom in pleasure here and there with colors painting veils of charm and grace. If weather turns a shade of drab and dull and light becomes a wick like candle’s ash, the sun will wait for rain to dissipate then shine like glancing rays that gleam and dance on every farm and hill in magic’s space where hearts are free and troubles spare the mind.

Copyright © November 2009 cheyenne smyth

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark D. Kilburn On Date: 2010-05-03 11:09:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I have a freind who was in this country at the same exact time as you. oddly enough she helped edit my first book. She too is an exceptional poet. Could she be you? Are you my friend MT in cognito? Secrets safe with me and an excellent poem by the way. I can see this land I've never seen simply by reading this great poem. mk ps loved hats of white

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2009-11-12 16:06:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
love the flow of this discriptive poem. I am a lover of rythm and rhyme and this is lovely. What a beautiful land you have pictured here for us in words.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2009-11-08 08:22:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is beautiful Cheyenne and your words bring forth a new image of this beautiful place......enjoyed the read from start to finish along with the beauty and spendor of the land.....indeed a place of magic and beauty in one. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2009-11-07 01:32:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The scenery you've used imagery with is breathtaking Cheyenne. I love the last line in your 3rd verse, "and light becomes a wick like candle's ash", very poetic, fresh & new. It has an even flow, not choppy and I didn't have to sift through words to find the general meaning of this poem. It's full of inspiration and beauty of the natural sights around you - pleasure to be found from appreciative eyes. My only suggestion would be to omit any unnecessary words. It's a task I'm still learning here - tighten up your verses by eliminating words like "If", "and", "Their", "the" - an example would be: This land of beauty speaks in hues of green massive mountains rise cathedral high, closely fit designs will drive the soul and every day the scene begins again. summit peaks resemble hats of white vanish smartly stabbing clouds and sky. trees of pine and willow side by side astound the practiced eye with every gaze. flowers bloom in pleasure here and there colors painting veils of charm and grace. If weather turns a shade of drab and dull light becomes a wick like candle’s ash, the sun will wait for rain to dissipate then shine like glancing rays that gleam and dance on every farm and hill in magic’s space where hearts are free and troubles spare the mind. Just a few simple changes enhances the read. Very nicely done - thanks for posting this poem. blessings, Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2009-11-06 17:41:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Welcome to TPL. I believe if I'm not mistaken that this is a blank verse done in iambic pentameter and very nicely done at that. I love your fresh verbiage, it lends nice images to mind. Your wordsmithing is definitely a different approach to lines that would else lie lack luster and immobile. An enjoyable read for this reader, no spags or nits.. TC Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-11-05 20:45:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Cheyenne, wonderful imagery comes of your poem but it reads too much like prose. Were it just a bit more indistinct, leaving more to the imagination, like lights observe a very special quality to the eye in mist, it could become a great deal more "poetic" infusing the reader with their own unique place inside it won of personal interpretation. Try rewriting it, removing every article that's unnecessary, like Flowers blooming pleasure here and there, instead of a complete prose sentence. Find established poets you like and listen for their "poetic language". Then spend more time developing your own. Chances are, the only difference will be that "indistinctness" quality I'm suggesting. If you need any credits to repost this after a rewrite I'll be happy to give some to you. How about enough for five poems? JCH
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