This Poem was Submitted By: Annette L Cowling On Date: 2003-11-08 06:35:03 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Cats In Cardboard Boxes

As I fade off into the slumber of my unconsciousness, Staring at the sliver of light that beams under the door... I realize that you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality. Like a restless spirit you soundlessly hover over your work, Until you emerge from a reclusive cocoon of creativity. The cats and I are your solitary audience of admirers. At that moment, the rest of the world is beneath me. I love the way the melody of your words fudge together, Like melting candle wax, forming an impromptu sculpture. I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness, And bathe my lips with the juice that saturates them. Each night that you read by the lamplight in the next room, I wonder how I ever lived before you graced my existence. I hold tight your lyrical words to me and your spice for life, And the cats curled up in cardboard boxes for the night.
Copyright © November 2003 Annette L Cowling

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-06 17:59:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54412
Annette there are so many words that you use here that amaze me.....the visions that surround them are enlightening as well..... you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality. Rich, indeed very rich...... The second stanza brings forth so many images of the man working ever so hard over what he is presently doing, the quietness of the house, not even the cats are making noise for fear to disturb him in his work.... reclusive cocoon .....what an aged way of stating this.....love the cocoon effect as well..... again in the third stanza your words are wonderfully expansive and bring forth so many wonderful images......fudge together like a stirring of thepot when all comes to boil and the world is just fine.... I believe the lady has fallen into love with this mystical person who sits by his lamplight each night as the cats sit in the box......and where you left off perhaps you might begin again with yet another portion of this tale........something to look forward to and appreciate....thanks for posting, be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-12-04 18:52:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Annette: You are going to tire of my critiques but your poems are appearing at the top of my list...a pleasure for me and I hope my reviews vary and are meaningful in some way. I like the title here and the reader has no notion where this piece might be going. Your structure is quatrains of free verse and I'm certain I've told you before that vers libre is my favorite form. I don't usually care for love poems but this is so distinctly and freshly crafted, I enjoyed it very much. Your talent shines in the three poems I've reviewed. "As I fade off into the slumber of my unconsciousness, Staring at the sliver of light that beams under the door... I realize that you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality." An epiphany in the first stanza with the poet's realization of the meaning of her relationship. Lovely metaphor to describe who he is and what he means to poet. Staring/sliver is appealing. "Like a restless spirit you soundlessly hover over your work, Until you emerge from a reclusive cocoon of creativity. The cats and I are your solitary audience of admirers. ....nice allits... At that moment, the rest of the world is beneath me." You begin with an appropriate simile using allits and segue to a metaphor that he has been pupating and is now butterflying with his creations. I like that you and the cats comprise his audience and you tell us that being with him sparks you to a heightened state, above the rest of the world. I love consonants and my favorite is the hard K sound. Ergo, "reclusive cocoon of creativity" is one of the more musical phrases I've heard. You employ sixteen of the K sounds in S2...a veritable symphony for me. "I love the way the melody of your words fudge together(,) Like melting candle wax, forming an impromptu sculpture. I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness(,) .....more allits... And bathe my lipes with the juice that saturates them." First a simile of his words as candle wax then a metaphor that his words are luscious fruit, bursting with savory juices. "And bathe my lips with the juice" is quite sensual and appealing. I like your use of "fudge" here and while I realize it can mean inserting a line or so into a scripted set, it means like melting sweet chocolate to me. I wish I might write a melody of words so sweet, they melt together. "Each night that you read by the lamplight in the next room, I wonder how I ever lived before you graced my existence. I hold tight your lyrical words to me and your spice for life, And the cats (are) curled up in cardboard boxes for the night." Another dimension of the other added: his "spice for life." Whether this is a real person, a figment, a poetic creation, or references to Philip Larkin, your talent for putting words together in a novel, appetizing way is simply grand, Annette. Ending with the cats and thus back to your title seems the quintessential ending and you limn such a snug nest that your wordsmith, you, and your cats share. Caring this deeply for another person is a scary proposition and indicates willingness to take risks with your emotions. It appears to have been a rewarding process for you and that makes for a fine, evocative poem. I continue to be quite impressed by your poetic talent and hope you will stay at TPL so we may benefit from your creativity. Kudos for yet another finely-crafted poem which pleased and delighted my senses. Brava! Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-11-29 02:45:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Annette, Your words are restless! They spin within their galaxy, creating a wonderful sensation to this reader! This is the most stunning poem about “going to sleep”, about “a roommate neighbor reading a book”. Such simple subject, simple actions, simple theme, yet you were able to find interesting and entertaining words out of this picturesque. Your words pour life! Again, luscious and yes “juicy” words reveal in your piece here! I like the lines: “I realize that you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality.” --- Wow, very profound and metaphoric! “At that moment, the rest of the world is beneath me.” --- Ah…leaving the worries of the world behind your back - the BED. “Like melting candle wax, forming an impromptu sculpture.” --- So real yet enjoyable! Nice choice of words! “I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness, And bathe my lips with the juice that saturates them.” --- Excitingly lyrical! “Each night that you read by the lamplight in the next room, I wonder how I ever lived before you graced my existence.” --- Your overwhelming admiration to this person is illuminating. I hold tight your lyrical words to me and your spice for life, And the cats curled up in cardboard boxes for the night. --- Ah…what a graceful exit! And the cats, ah…just perfect! It shows a sense of realism. Intelligent strategy for the title “Cats In Cardboard Boxes”! Almost unrelated or unconnected, yet you hit it straight at the end! Plainly, beautiful! Great surprise! Kudos on your fine work here Annette! I find this skillfully done! For me this is a winner! Just Excellent! I sure enjoy the read! As always, Erzahl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-11-19 22:36:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Please pass the berries! t.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-11-19 16:18:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23077
I realize, fading into slumber, you are the sandbar that connects.... Annette, your poem has a lot of good stuff in it but in some places you need to be more concise. I posted a challenge on the forum a while back asking poets to revise a poem by cutting half of the words I think you might want to try rewriting this one with that in mind. Keep the concrete words the things we can see hear feel taste etc... This is a very sensual poem. The ideas behind the poem are all about intimicy make that come through a little clearer by using the senses more the last line is perfect. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-11-11 23:47:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.28571
hi annette, i loved your poem.however, i would like to suggest that you take the excess words such that: As I fade off into (the) slumber of (my) unconsciousness, Staring at (the) sliver of light that beams under the door... I realize (that) you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality. Like (a) restless spirit you soundlessly hover over your work, Until you emerge from (a) reclusive cocoon of creativity. (The) cats and I are your solitary audience of admirers. At that moment, (the) rest of the world is beneath me. I love the way the melody of your words fudge together, Like melting candle wax, forming (an) impromptu sculpture. I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness, (And) bathe my lips with (the) juice that saturates them. Each night (that) you read by the lamplight (in the) next room, I wonder how I ever lived before you graced my existence. I hold tight your lyrical words to me and your spice for life, And (the) cats curled up in cardboard boxes for the night. well, this is just a suggestion.should you decide to follow it,take out the words i enclosed in parentheses, then try reading your poem aloud and see what happens.i did this to some of my poems and they got better.it may also work for you. thanks for sharing this poem.God bless! april
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-11-11 17:53:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Annette, Welcome to TPL. How nice to have some fresh new poetry! This is a lovely tribute and cleverly done. "I realize that you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality."-----wonderful metaphor! "Cocoon of creativity" has a nice ring to it--great alliteration. Very quaint the way in stanza two you bring the cats into the poem and give them status as part of the "audience of admirers" which is another good alliteration. "At that moment, the rest of the world is beneath me."--Here You are either referring to being on cloud nine or just feeling important because your writer has included you as important enough to share private creative thoughts with, or it could be both. In either case I like this thought and it tells us this person is very important to you. Stanza three is exquisitely worded: "I love the way the melody of your words fudge together, Like melting candle wax, forming an impromptu sculpture.----what a delicious simile I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness, And bathe my lips with the juice that saturates them."-----more wonderful imagry! Stanza four just pulls it all together so we know without a shadow of a doubt that this person is your true love and you float off to sleep securely with him in the next room and the cats in their box. All is well. This part just gives me nice warm fuzzy feelings all over. This poem is well thought out and written and the structure is pleasing to the eye. The flow is nice and who cares if the meter is not exact, because I wouldn't even have known if I hadn't counted. Since we are supposed to offer suggestions, I suggest you don't cap every first word of each line. Instead, only cap the beginning of each sentence. Capping each new line is distrating when you read the poem and it will make the flow even better if you don't. This is a very pleasing poem chock full of great imagry. Thanks for sharing this piece. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2003-11-08 19:59:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Annette - This is an interesting manner in which you've formatted the poem. Each stanza set so nearly quatrain-like, one begins to look for the rhyme scheme. Of course, there is none and, so, that distraction puts the reader on the wrong path - looking for things to go wrong rather than looking for the "right" in the work. Just a minor distraction, though. The strength of the poem soon has the reader back on the "right" track. You offer such great praise in this song to your writer-friend, one feels that something is missing without some example of the exemplary work of which he/she is so obviously capable. Of course, that work is between you and you friend so...but, still, I would like read the work of someone who can so thrillingly move another. But, then, there are the cats...they don't seem as impressed. They did sleep through the whole thing, didn't they? I might suggest that you subject this poem to the literary knife...that is, re-read with an eye to trimming. It is quite wordy - a fault that is usually detrimental to poetry. I would suggest some but I am reluctant to offer MY changes to YOUR poem. That is your province, should you choose. On the whole...it is an interesting read told in an open, yet mysterious, manner. Thank you for the opportunity to view your work. S.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-11-08 12:12:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Annette--The title is what initially got my attention--I mean I had to check out this curious "Cats in cardboard boxes." What a beautiful written ebb and flow love poem. You've used such an array of peaceful, delightful, and mouthwatering descriptors and metaphors (...you are the sandbar that connects...;...you emerge from a reclusive cocoon of creativity; ...your words fudge together...;...your potent words of delicious ripeness,and bathe my lips with the juice that saturates them (WHEW!). These superb phrases you've tied together with just great similes: "Like a restess spirit... and ...Like melting candle wax..." Please forgive me if I've understated your piece and thanks for sharing such a well thoughtout tribute to a significant other. TLW
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