This Poem was Submitted By: stephen g skipper On Date: 2004-03-09 09:55:24 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Untitled Dont look at me and mourn.
You see a man before you reborn.
All be it without his soul.
A shadow of me is all that remains.
Yet it was love that caused me this pain.
Without love,maybe, a soul can be regained.
Yet with it we can be torn in two.
Till it's gone between you and me,
Will you ever set my heart, to fly free. |
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Copyright © March 2004 stephen g skipper
Additional Notes:
A slight correction to my last poem my wife Paula died on 26/01/2004 not 26/02/2004 sorry.
this is how I feel!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-27 18:57:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56000
DEar Stphen,
This is a wonderful tribute to your wife Paula, I am so sorry for your loss. If we don't love deeply then the pain isn't as bad. For me, I will take the loving deeply, no matter how much pain I will be in later.
Best wishes,
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-15 13:29:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Hi Stephen,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have never lost a spouse so I won't begin to say that I know how you feel - other than through the words you have chosen to share with us. I did see a bright spot when you spoke of love. You would not be experiencing the grief and pain of loss without having experienced the joy and fulfillment of love... How lucky we are when we have that love in our lives. To live without love may be safer emotionally, but for me, I would rather take my chances and live and love to the fullest. You question whether your heart will ever be set free to fly again - perhaps you will have to be the one to allow your heart to fly free again.
Thank you for posting this touching poem.
Blessings,
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-14 17:25:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Stephen,
This very poignant piece touches my heart so much and I just want to reach out to you and say:
keep writing! Because if there is anything that helps the grief and hurt to go away, it is the
processing of thoughts and feelings and the forward movement of time. And it seems only through
the memories, that one is able to even want to go forward.
If you hadn't loved her, it wouldn't be so hard.
But if you hadn't loved her, what would your life have been?
Love hurts, but it also soars. Remember?
You express yourself well and I understand why you would feel this way.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-12 18:46:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.70000
Stephen it is so good to see your work again and I am sure Paula is happy to know you are still writing......she was your inspiration and will most likely continue to be......the love you shared has been shared with us here on the link, your pain and suffering along with hers is also shared in many poems.....and for this we are always grateful...thanks for posting, be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-11 15:41:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.11111
Hi Stevie,
don't ever say you are sorry for writing these lovely poems about your loss of Paula.
She was your life and you cared for her...she was half of you and now that she is gone
so is half of you. I find that the thought of your never having a soul again is more than
I can bear. As you know I lost my husband years ago after a long illness and I also
took care of him till the end...."A shadow of me is all that remains"...I know this feeling
all too well....you just plod along one day after another...go to bed...get up and do it
again. One day runs into another until they are just a shadowy blur in your mind.
..."Without love..maybe a soul can be regained" I feel the pathos here but also I see a
glimmer of hope that abides in you and trust me... it is in your soul...."Will you ever
set my heart, to fly free?" She can't do that for you or she would...you have to free
yourself and you will. I just posted a poem called 'sable shadows' which I wrote with
the hope to end the disturbing dreams I have been having about my husband. They aren't
bad just disturbing and I have no idea where they are coming from as he has been gone for
many years. This poem is a loving tribute to your love for Paula...keep writing them
as you will heal a little each time you put your thoughts on paper...besides that you are
a talented poet.
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 18:21:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi stephen. I did not see your last ‘write’, having just come aboard. You have really given the reader a lot of information in just these few lines, and I sense the true sadness and your notation of the irony that perhaps you don’t quite understand but that you perceive acutely. Death of a loved one takes us down many paths. I sense ‘denial’ in line 1--a man
reaching for rebirth in line 2, an admission of helplessness in line 3.
(Do you mean ‘albeit’?--that would certainly fit and be a bit more accurate (to me) than 3 words.
Line 4 is between a giving-up and an explanation, but all very poignant and totally understandable for anyone who has lost someone.
Love always causes pain. Rose Kennedy said it best: they cause you pain coming in, and going out. I don’t think a soul can be regained without love--and I don’t think you do either. You are certainly right in your assessment that love tears you in two.
Till it’s gone---well, steven, I don’t think it’s ever ‘gone’. It changes and you can finally bear to live with it, but it comes slowly. My one suggestion for the whole poem would be:
Will you ever release my heart, to fly free.
As honest a sentiment as you can find. I am sorry for your loss. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-09 11:09:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.25000
Stephen--No apology needed or necessary. I can't even began to imagine the emotions you must have
been experiencing then and now. Just thinking about the loss of a lifetime love partner is unfathomed
by me. This terse poignant rhyming piece is painful to read, so It had to be at least painful to
compose. However, I am going to set that aside and render an impartial review.
The combinations of end/slant/internal rhymes (mourn/reborn; remains/pain/regained; me/free; yet/set;
we/me; two/you/you; my/fly) creates a rhythmic tone and produce melancholy imagery.
At this point I might suggest less punctuation: the use of periods causes a staccato effect; when in
actuality the end rhymes cause pauses in themselves. If most of the first seven lines were without
any punctuation (they appear to be enjambments, or need each other to make clarity),in my humble
opinion, this piece would be a more fluid flow/read (however, just a thought).
Superb ending and my favorite line(s) of the poem;
"Till it's gone between you and me,
will you ever set my heart to fly free?"
Great poetic line(s)!! I am apologizing in advance if I've misstated your intentions for your effort.
Thanks for sharing this heartfelt personal piece. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-09 10:10:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
A very emotional, even heart-wrenching contribution to TPL. A couple minor suggestions, if you will:
I would not place a period after each line, only at the end of a real sentence, or at least before a new one if the prior clause or phrase is to stand alone.
All be it - [Albeit?]
Yet it was love that caused me this pain. - ["me" is implied. I'd delete it.]
Without love,maybe, a soul can be regained. - [This, even without proper spacing, seems a little out of sync and rhythm. It might need 2 lines to complete the thought here.]
Will you ever set my heart, to fly free. - [Maybe "Will you ever let my heart fly free?" - a question, a little more brief, better rhythm??]
I hope you don't consider me too harsh, and I do wish you well. It's a difficult and trying time, I am sure. Be safe. wl
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