This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-03-28 12:21:17 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
Purposely Me Never achieving wealth, fame or
anything akin to star status
I still want to run up the stairs of my life
and sit on top of my world
and yell out
ok, I've been hated for
things out of my control
loved for reasons I'll never know
Riduculed and spited,
tossed aside for other frivolous dreams
but at the core of it all, still
grew a heart and loving soul
with an infinity of passion
that fills up the mirror of my life
with the sweetest damn reflections
anyone could ever imagine.
Thank God for giving me the
time to do it all.
|
|
Copyright © March 2004 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-29 15:09:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Hi DeniMari,
I did a crit of this piece but hit the wrong key and zapped it out!! However, I
like this poem so much that I will give it another shot! You have written some wonderful
phrases here that are easy to relate to and make so much sense.....'I still want to run
up the stairs of my life and sit on top of my world and yell out.....'This is so clever a
line and so applicable to the hectic lives we lead...but it also shows a zest for a life
that has pourpose and certain direction....good for you!...'hated for things out of my
control...loved for reasons I'll never know' very good...'tossed aside for other frivolous
dreams'....Sad but true that most of us have had this experience but until you wrote it
were never able to put those feelings into words...'grew a heart and loving soul...infinity
of passion....fills the mirror of my life/...these are exceptional phrases and each one
is worth a prize on its own...and yout ending....'thank God for giving me the time to do it
all' is so approiate a way to end this piece. I love the message I get from your writing...
it is up-lifting and positive...shows perseverance and gusto. Thanks for posting
this one!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-28 18:16:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40741
Deni, I would start with line three I want to... and other than that change nothing this is a powerful poem because it puts your goals and things you can aim for right out there for the world, and you to look at. Overall you have done a good job with this one I would start later just because the first two lines are not as dynamic and powerful as the rest. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-28 16:36:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81481
Hi DeniMari,
This is lovely for all the right reasons. "Purposely Me" is a great title. God gave you more
then just the time, He gave you the purpose. I love how He does that for us. And who better
then our creator to make us this way, In His own image?
You have a great beginning here with the comment about never achieving wealth, fame or star status-
all worldly things that don't matter past this life (yet many many people put so much emphsis
on them.) The visual of you running up the stairs of your life is priceless. Great metaphor!
Against all odds you grew a "heart and loving soul with an infinity of passion". That is
something to be happy about, because not everyone is that happy with thier lives. The
exuberance you ooze here is quite inspiring and just plain wonderful. If you could bottle it ,
I'm sure you would earn wealth, fame and stardom. *smile*. Not that you would want it.
The infinity of passion that fills up the mirror of your life is another great metaphor.
Nice ending too.
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem and look forward to reading more of your work. I have no suggestions for revision, as I thinkit's perfect the way it is.
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-28 16:20:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36170
Poet this is so very well written, the structure of it all just allows the words to flow, the images are awesome in they bring you there with you to the top of the stairs, waiting to hear those shouts of joy for who you are, what you have done and become in your lifetime........and for taking the time to reflect upon it all and giving God the credit for giving you the time to do it all.....an amazing piece to create about YOU. Thanks for posting and sharing this with us....makes me want to shout with you ......be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-28 16:12:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56627
DeniMari, near perfect rhythm makes this a super easy and enjoyable read. A few comments down through:
I still want to run up the stairs of my life - [excellent phrase]
and sit on top of my world - [okay, not cute or worn-out at all]
and yell out - [could this 2nd "and" be deleted? Just a possibility]
ok, I've been hated for
things out of my control
loved for reasons I'll never know - [nice slant rhyme here]
Riduculed and spited, - ["ridiculed" sp.]
tossed aside for other frivolous dreams - [nice and blunt, as it should be to describe this]
[No complaints from here on, plus *super consonance, assonance and alliterative qualities]
but at the core of it all, still - [*esp. here]
grew a heart and loving soul
with an infinity of passion
that fills up the mirror of my life - [*and here]
with the sweetest damn reflections
anyone could ever imagine.
Thank God for giving me the
time to do it all.
Regards and best wishes
wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-28 14:32:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57692
Dear Deni,
This is a wonderful work about who you are. Did you do it as a result of the challenge?
There are several things that I liked about it. I think the image of you running up the stairs to your life is wonderful imagery and shows the zest you have for your life. Even though you might not be star quality (I am sure that you are in someone's eyes) you enjoy who you are.
You yelling at the top of your world, a defiant bring what may attitude shows that you are happy with who you are. You may not have had the best of lives, true, some may have hated and spited you, but the fact that you are loved is the most important thing. Often we cannot give a reason why we are loved. I have no idea why my husband Steve took a chance on marrying me, I was so screwed up at the time we met. When I look at the reflections in my mirror, I too see the sweetest reflections. Fortunate is the person who can look at their lives and say we are satisfied with what we are.
Thank God for giving me the time to do it all. I can echo those sentiments and I hope God gives me more time to accomplish some of the goals that I have in my life.
This is a touching poem, and one that I indentified with as well. I am glad that you shared a ittle of yourself in this work.
Sherri
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!