This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-04-11 16:21:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Run Mommy Run Run Mommy run,
from first sight of the sun,
into the kitchen coffee on,
all day at work, you'll be gone,
run Mommy run.
Hurry up or you'll be late
corporate supervisors
sit and wait, to look
down their nose at you.
Too bad, the rent is due.
Traffic moves too fast,
allow the speeders to pass
elavators, faceless peers
log in for the day
God for how many years?
Run Mommy run,
from first sight of the sun,
chasing your back to stay on track
this corporate equasion makes you numb
Run Mommy run.
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Copyright © April 2004 DeniMari Z.
Additional Notes:
I hate my job.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-01 18:51:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93750
DeniMari:
I'm still doing critiques to build up some voting power as I never
have any say in the contest.
Your title jumped out at me and I had to read to see where the poet
was going. By then, I was beguiled by the poem and have to comment.
You have definitely captured the life of a working mother and possibly
a single working mother. The manner or format used and the pacing of
your words make me feel very hurried, the way the woman in the poem
must feel. Whelmed by all she has to do in one day.
Run, Mommy, run,
from first sight of the sun,
into the kitchen, coffee on,
all day at work, you'll be gone,
run, Mommy, run.
Sounds like what her children would say. She's gone at work all day, away from
home and her "real" life.
Hurry up or you'll be late
corporate supervisors
sit and wait, to look
down their nose(s) at you.
Too bad, the rent is due.
Your final line of S 2 are a gut-punch. She can't tell them to mind their manners
as she needs the job to pay the rent.
"corporate supervisors" stopped the flow for me. I don't know if anyone else had
that reaction.
I thought of "the bosses in Armani" or "the manicured men in three-piece suits" ...there
are many examples you could use. This is nitpicky and if no one else commented,
forget it.
I haven't commented on your poetics but your rhymes are spot on and lend a texture to
the piece. run/sun and gone/on and peers/years and you/due...are merely a few examples.
Stanza 3 deals with traffic (the worst for me), speeders, anonymous faces of co-workers.
The defamiliarizing by corporate America. The dehumanizing by corporate America.
You have excelled here with your descriptors.
Run, Mommy, run,
from the first sight of the sun,
chasing your back to stay on track,
this corporate equa(t)ion makes you numb,
Run, Mommy, run.
Nice ending as it brings the reader full circle which furthers the point you are
making. The repetition adds emphasis to this Mommy's situation, treadmilling. I
like the phrase: "chasing your back to stay on track."
In toto, this is a very well-done poem and I imagine magazines for working women
would accept it for publication. I don't have a current Poet's Market, but I wish
you the best with getting this accepted for wide readership.
Good luck now and with future poems,
Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-04-28 19:55:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Dear and overworked poet...
First things first...I do think that women do have to work harder than men in most cases, especially the ones that must work outside the home while being a mother. Yet, as a man, I could relatthe harried hectic pace that you so aptly describe. On to your poem....
I think that your repetition in S1 and S4 is great "Run Mommy run". It is almost acts in the same burning brain way that the story I read when I was young "See Spot Run" did. I won't soon forget that line either the next time I am at a grocery store and see a mommy dressed in work clothes struggling with her toddlers that she just picked up from daycare.
Your commentary about the corporate life is unfortunate but true. Although men also suffer from many injustices at work, you are well deserving of praise for expressing the more difficult job mothers have, especially since most are less paid than their male counterparts.
The timeline is great. You cover the activities of the day in order making the poem a story and very enjoyable and logical, yet lyrical too!
The only thing I'd correct is the typo..equation...
Thanks for the face-paced fury of a poem...I gotta be running.
Mick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-14 01:24:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Deni,
A very honest piece…vividly described the struggles and hurdles of an office life. I find it more stressful and hectic because of the “Mom” thing role. Aside from job-related problems, there’ll be also family issues – balancing her precious time. From the title “Run Mommy Run” alone, I can almost feel the “fast” phase lifestyle of this super woman. Plus, pressures from “corporate supervisors’ nose”, “faceless peers” and “speeders” – I find these clever. So true, so real! From the traffic, to the elevators, to those time logs, to that kitchen coffee…you hit it all right!
The rhyming of the poem adds a little playfulness in this “fed-up” ambiance of the theme. It somehow mellows that aggravating disappointment. Learning to laugh out that heavy burden. “Run Mommy run” - as if there is an escape.
Great read! Great topic! So much with our daily busy life!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-12 20:47:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Hi DeniMari
I saw this poem earlier but had no time to comment so was glad to see it is still
on my list tonight. Every word you have written applied to my hectic life when our
children were small and I had a full time job away from home and a full time job at home.
Three children, a husband, house to clean, bills to pay, insurance to keep up with, meals
to cook, laundry to do..and ironing. I could go on and on. My job away from home was in
a physcian's office and I was on my feet all day. Looking back I have no idea how I
was able to accomplish all that and still get out of bed every morning! 'Run mommy run'
is a perfect title and theme for this piece....as that is just what most moms do..unless
they are rich enough not to work and hire everything done for them....'from first sight of
sun...hurry up your you'll be late...traffic moves too fast...chasing your back to stay
on track (my favorite line) The sad thing is you will never know how it all turns out
until it is done...the kids raised, house paid for, retirement. Then you can look back
and say that wasn't so hard and I did all that was expected of me. Great job on this one!
Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-12 10:52:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
I wish everybody could find a means to survive doing exactly what they love to do. I think the world would be such a brighter place. Think of all the frowns that the smiles would replace. A few suggestions, DeniMari:
Run Mommy run,
from first sight of the sun,
into the kitchen coffee on, - [maybe a comma after kitchen, and leaving the line-ending ones off? A thought.]
all day at work, you'll be gone, - [first comma really needed?]
run Mommy run.
Hurry up or you'll be late
corporate supervisors
sit and wait, to look - [again, is comma needed here?]
down their nose at you. - [plural "noses" I think]
Too bad, the rent is due. - [this one -yes]:)
Traffic moves too fast,
allow the speeders to pass - [maybe delete "the"?]
elavators, faceless peers - [sp. "elevators"]
log in for the day
God for how many years? - [Here, I'd put comma after "God"]
Run Mommy run, - [okay]
from first sight of the sun, - [okay 2]
chasing your back to stay on track
this corporate equasion makes you numb - [sp. "equation"]
Run Mommy run.
Alot of really nice internal and other rhyming and assonance. The form makes the reader "live" in this hurry-up world you've created with your fine "pen". I know - I'm a punctuation freak! Just trying to feel needed. :)
No, really enh=joyed it and hope some of my suggestions help. Peace and love. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-11 17:52:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
DeniMari--Lots of working "mommies" (and dads)can probably identify with this humorous piece. Great
title and definitely in keeping with the theme. Nice descriptors takes the reader(s) thru a logical
sequence of domestic and work related activities. Super rhymes (unforced) through the first three
stanzas enhances the comical effect while creating vivid imagery and producing rhythmic tone.
Small problem with syntax (equasion) and forced rhymes in the 4th stanza distract from an otherwise
excellent read.
A version/suggestion:
"Run Mommy run
from first sight of sun,
sending fax to stay on track
the corporate jungle is no longer fun
Run Mommy run"
Sorry for any misstating of your intentions. Thanks for your effort. TLW
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