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This Poem was Submitted By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-04-30 13:37:02 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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organ-i

already I know the barren plain of irony and the inevitable bar I want to know who you really are... can I schedule some time on your calendar to not vie for your attention and in clarion intention can I come to you organically as a breeze blowing through hair as the water washes clean fault and carries away tears salt as the green grass reaches for the feet like Achilles the hero in zero gravity can I lift you up in my gravitas and send your mind away to those places found by saints and sages if all I have is these words and these pages? can I speak to me for me? hello

Additional Notes:
I thought I was writing this to someone, maybe my wife, but then I realized I might be also writing to myself. Maybe we all are.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-05-05 22:35:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.34483
Hi Regis, I don’t know why but after reading your poem I find the need to comment. I just want to drop by and say how splendid this is. First, the title…”organ-i", for me this is something new. You always write with such unique and contemporary subjects…one of TPLs versatile writers. “can I schedule some time on your calendar” --- I just like the honesty of this line. “can I come to you organically as a breeze blowing through hair as the water washes clean fault and carries away tears salt as the green grass reaches for the feet” --- I find this very creative! The metaphors with nature are enjoyable! “like Achilles the hero in zero gravity can I lift you up in my gravitas” --- Playful but deep! I like the associations “Archilles”, “hero” and “zero gravity”! “and send your mind away to those places found by saints and sages if all I have is these words and these pages?” --- So poetically done! can I speak to me for me? hello --- Lines in question forms usually add profundity in poetry. I like the honest questions at the end of poetry. Your additional notes surely help the readers like me. Yes, you are right, this is supposed to be for your wife but as the writing goes on, it turned out to be a universal message applicable to all of us. It’s like the poem has its own mind and personality. And that is what I see in your work here…it has personality! Thank you for posting this last entry for the month of April! It was worth reading and commenting! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-05-05 07:53:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Hi Regis, I liked this and found it interesting to read. I agree with you that we all are at some level searching for who we are and what the heck we are doing here. We speak to ourselves in everything we do, unconsciously asking questions of our minds and brains. I have to separate these, because in matters of basic movement and balance, it is the brain's "unpsychological" process that is being addressed. We wonder. Isn't that one of the things that indicates our humanity? On another level, as a poem to your wife, this is lovely. Isn't it a marvel that we always strive to be one with others, and yet remain forever separate? Words are all that connect us (except what I think of as the "God" part) and we are always lonely at some level.Poetry is indeed one of the best way to speak honestly to others of who we really are. I'll comment on the poem's structure etc a bit. The imagery is clear, easy to picture. The poem supports the message, particularly in the single word ending line, which really gives it a punch. Now, as a human being who has had some slight mental disturbances, let me tell you that we all look inward and say hello to ourselves at some point, but only a favored few get an answer! It is an amazing experience, and one I that God for every day. (It's also very frightening in the beginning.) I rarely experience that now, and I rarely write to the level it inspired. I miss the rush of creativity that comes with it.I thank you for this poem as it "keeps it green" for me. Take care, Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Cara-Mae D. Hackett On Date: 2004-05-04 09:44:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This poem gave me a sense of longing and the idea that you fear you've lost something intangible when I think that the feeling behind the poem is the acknowledgement that the intangibile part is not lost, for it were, you would not ask the questions, or fear that it was gone. fav part: "and send your mind away to those places found by saints and sages" I think as time moves forward, many ppl (mostly the more "artsy" type) can identify with the questioning and longing and confusion expressed succiently in this piece because we are all experiencing it in our own ways. Comment on this line: "already I know the barren plain of irony" I tend to use the phrase "barren plain" quite a bit myself, but I often feel I am being somewhat redundant as I always envision a plain being barren. Perhaps instead of using plain, try "steppe" as in "barren steppe of irony" or instead of "barren" try "desolate" or "impotent" as in "desolate plain of irnoy" or "impotent plain of irony". I enjoyed this being the first poem I've critiqued here in years.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-05-03 20:45:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Hello Regis: I'm allured by this piece. Perhaps it's the unaffected form; possibly the arcane imagery. Whatever it is it hooks this reader into wanting to delve, investigating, know more. Regis: "to not vie for your attention and in clarion intention ..." Len: The narrator's approach leaves suspicion behind; it's honest, on the table. Regis: "can I come to you organically as a breeze blowing through hair ..." Len: What exceptional allegory! I wish I'd written it. Regis: "...as the water washes clean fault and carries away tears salt as the green grass reaches for the feet like Achilles the hero ..." Len: The quality of your imagery carries forward. [I must ask if you intended, "tears salt," and make certain it isn't transposed?] Regis: "...can I lift you up in my gravitas ..." Len: Excellent use of the vocabulary, languaqge to conserve words. Moreover, you continue to have my attention in the questions demanding answer in your conclusion. Good work, sir, including the title. A fellow poet, Lennard

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-03 19:31:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55789
Wonderful job, Reeg. The melody of this display of thought and emotion is right "in tune" with its rhymes of no specific pattern [IMO], its outstanding active imagery. My only suggestion would be more question marks after the apparent end of some of the other questions, not just the last 2. I love the ending "hello". That really works well. Thanks for submitting this excellent poem. peace. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-02 19:11:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45455
Regis Your additional note asks an important question and gives an important clue. Sometimes it is as if, though wanting desperately to address the Other, we are trapped in a dialogue with ourselves that we hope the Other will recognise as having been directed at Them. The inescapable contradiction of audience. You could so easily be wishing to lift yourself up in your gravitas, that somehow the internal weight you carry will be its own release, its own escape valve, that you will be your own exit strategy, wash away your own tears, and the spirit will move through your own hair and wash away your own faults. Lovely images, poignant and touching. At least, I was touched hearing you sing to yourself ... and whoever else. Best wishes Mark.

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