This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-05-02 21:52:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Like a candlestick without the candle Like a rattlesnake without the rattle Like a funfair without the fun Like a sunflower without the sun Like a partygoer without the party Like a babysitter without the baby Like a mailbox without the mail Like a sailboat without the sail Like a fruitcake without the fruit Like a footstep without the foot Like a hookworm without the hook Like a bookmark without the book Like a carwash without the car Like a starlight without the star Like a windmill without the wind Like a pincushion without the pin Like a fishpond without the fish Like a wishbone without the wish Like a bridegroom without the bride Like me without’s like suicide

Copyright © May 2004 Erzahl Leo M. Espino

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-06-05 11:12:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
Hi Ezrahl, This is a lovely poem for someone special, no doubt. And what a lucky special someone to have such a sensitive and accomplished poet writing poetry to them! The title is shocking and at first I did not feel it really did the poem justice. I was even thinking maybe something like "Without You" might be more romantic, but then I realized that the starkness of the title adds allure and tells a more powerful story, then the poem could tell without it. These ten rhymed couplets flow extremely well and share with the reader your feelings by way of irony. The repititions of Like at the beginning of each line give rhythm to the poem and make it somewhat songlike. This poems just prooves you can do it all, Ezrahl. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, JEnnifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-03 15:01:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97059
Erzahl: I was startled by your title - and grateful to read this work with its wonderful array similes. The poem is refreshing, suprising and demonstrates the versatility of your gifts. I am so pleased that you aren't really writing about "suicide" but of love. It's simply marvelous - clever, heartwarming and energetic! Like a candlestick without the candle Like a rattlesnake without the rattle What good is a candlestick with nothing to hold? And how much more dangerous the rattlesnake without his warning device! He'd have to be called something else. I love the slant-rhyme of "candle/rattle". Like a funfair without the fun Like a sunflower without the sun Delightful sounds abound throughout - for example, the soft fricatives in "funfair/fun/sunflower". Jaunty and uplifting! Like a partygoer without the party Like a babysitter without the baby Both would be lost, without purpose and completion. In some instances repetition is just the ticket and you have employed it delightfully here. Like a mailbox without the mail Like a sailboat without the sail As I read along, my smile became wider and wider -- as your train fo thought here expanded in my own mind to all of the things which would be useless without their proper counterpart. Marvelous! Like a fruitcake without the fruit (funny!) Like a footstep without the foot Impossible! I love it!! Like a hookworm without the hook Like a bookmark without the book Too funny! A "hookworm" might be less well off without the hook, but others would benefit. <smile> I am grinning hugely at your witty presentation. The clever, entertaining sounds of the repeated "oo" in the couplet above are so effective. Like a carwash without the car Like a starlight without the star From the everyday, mundane things (like the carwash) to the sublime mysteries of the universe (starlight and stars)!! How wonderful! Like a windmill without the wind Like a pincushion without the pin Like a fishpond without the fish Like a wishbone without the wish --oh! Like a bridegroom without the bride Like me without’s like suicide Hmmmm. It's there a "Mrs. Espino" in your future? No need to answer. I'd take this as a proposal if I were a young lady and someone presented it to me. This and a single, long-stemmed rose and a walk in the rain would seal the deal. Thank you for this highly enjoyable treat. And my very best wishes to you both! All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-31 15:17:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89744
And now for something completely different! Really fine piece that carries us along. I think the title tells a litte to much but then, you know how I am about titles. I would like a more specific, publisher grabbing one that does not reveal too much of the the surprise of the poem. Suicide Like a candlestick without [a]candle Like a rattlesnake without [a] rattle relly good couple which whihc to being hte series Like a funfair without the fun Like a sunflower without the sun really great device as both nouns divide evenly along the fist syllable! Like a [party-goer] without [a] party Like a babysitter without [the]baby clever Like a mailbox without [] mail Like a sailboat without [a] sail Like a fruitcake without [fruit] fruit Like a footstep without [a foot]-good one! Like a hookworm without [a] hook Like a bookmark without [a] book [heheh - especially tragic one!] Like a carwash without [a] car Like [] starlight without [a] star -POWERFUL! Like a windmill without [] wind Like a pincushion without [a] pin Like a fishpond without [] fish Like a wishbone without [a] wish -poignant and there's that great noun cutting device again! Like a bridegroom without [a] bride Like me without’s like suicide [good strong ending]
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2004-05-26 22:48:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
But you ruined the ending with the title. This little poem has a lot of potential. Consider a new title and perhaps tightening the last couplet for a better count: Like a bridegroom without the bride Me without you is like suicide Just a suggestion. Best, Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-15 19:43:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Hi Erzahl, Very very clever! I did not expect the ending to be like that! "Like a bridegroom without the bride Like me without’s like suicide" I love it so much! I will consider sending this to my gf. Hehe! Nothing more I can say than thank you for the delight your poem gives. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-11 22:29:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Erzahl, This is very different for you my friend but still a very good read. I like the concept and the rhyming couplets. The only thing that I would suggest is that you tighten up the last couplet. It has too many beats in the last line for it to read smoothly. BUT, you are the author, this is only a suggestion. Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-09 13:37:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl, quite a change of pace from your pen, I would say. Enjoyable, almost "Simic-like", but just a little bit too monotonous. Should I be brave enough to suggest the comparisons without all the "Like a"s? I believe it would be much more readable and effective that way, but that is only one opinion - and it's your poem. That is the only possible change I'd suggest. Otherwise, I enjoyed the content and that powerful closing line very much, even though it was pre-ordained from the title. Best wishes, and write on. Peace wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-05-04 01:42:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Erzahl--Glad this one turned out differently than the title at first suggested: my mind went quickly to the macabre thought of "Suicide." After the complete read I see this as a collection of rather lighthearted metaphoric rhyming couplets. The speaker is nonliterally expressing through excellent analogies what life would be like without this object of his true love. The combination of descriptors and end rhymes paint vivid imagery and produce nice rhythmic flow. The repeat of the title in the last line serves to emphasize the import and finality of the speaker's affection/position. Thanks for sharing this different effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-05-03 00:49:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl Wow, rhythm and rhyme, was set in due time, to impart the wisdom of being together, (quite a combibation list you've managed to weave throughout the intent of this poem. Neat going, like it a lot, makes a lot of sense to me me, the ultimate togetherness imparted in poetic form, although this a certain sadness in the closing lines, subject to what path each reader chooses, the ultimate there is no togetherness without togetherness. Good job my friend, you're a wondersul poet to follow, and I follow....Jo Morgan
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