This Poem was Submitted By: Medard Louis Lefevre Jr. On Date: 2004-08-30 00:09:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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A Loss of White A loss of white
An indecent resolution
Sacrificed to a god
Who is not even there
No vision discerns
Where there is nothing
No prism extracts
Colors that disappeared
Cold and alone
I sense the derision
Forcefully fed
An outbreak of ruin
My nature revealed
My spirit disguised
My only hope left
Is a handful of lies
Once there was light
Brighter than a quasar
Now only black
Defines the darkness
If only a shimmer
Of the pure intensity
Once so white
Would enter into me
Old and abused
I target the chances
Playfully bled
An anemic fortune
My health diseased
My quest enclosed
My only light left
Is that darkness unseen
A loss of white
Evacuates my soul
No passion is left
No love is here
I die in darkness
Revealed to no one
I am not here
White is black
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Copyright © August 2004 Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.
This Poem was Critiqued By: stu t fisher On Date: 2004-09-07 16:24:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Exponential sadness, however, nicely written. The poem is scary, growing old is so lonely and depressing, but it doesn't have to be.
However, nice.
Stu
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-09-07 10:23:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Medard what a great way you've choosen to describe the darkness that totally engulfs, the color has disappeared, even the brightness of anticipation appears dead, like this phase of world society, the anticipation (the brightness has disappeared), you have achieved a voice in this poem, bringing it down to a personal anticipation that many feel.
Nice, nice movement, great linguistics, laid out with such organization, the light, the anticipation disappears, with its disappearance the colors, dead seems to override the souls, nice, nice phrasing, a poem of the times is what I read. WOW!! sensation leading to nothing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-09-05 14:26:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92105
Medard L.,
I found this piece very dark, almost menacing in its pessimistic outlook, and it, therefore, served its purpose well, I assume. I found very little to suggest for alteration. The staccato lines with the intensity of alliteration and imagery were magical in portraying the emotion pouring from this piece. In one place I think a word might be deleted, but nothing else to offer.
If only a shimmer
Of the pure intensity
Once so white
Would enter into me - [I think "into" could be left out of this line, unless you feel it is essential. I understand the assonance connection with "intensity" 2 lines above, as well as the t allits; so maybe you should keep it. Just a possibility.]
Good writing, but not my favorite genre. Best wishes. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-08-31 20:50:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Dear Medard,
This is a very compelling, emotionaly packed poem, that is the very epitamy of someone who is at their wits end with the world. It's very sad and I feel great empathy for the writer. There is no hope left in this piece, there is no bright tomorrow or a better future leaving the imagination to wander to the bleakest of destinies.
I know no one in the world escapes feeling pain and lost illusions, but I always try, no matter what to find something good in a bad situation. It's not healthy to feel remorse about oneself entirely, it could lead to serious health problems. I'm hoping that something, somewhere and soon changes for this person in order for them to start feeling just a little more positivity.
Thanks for letting me read this.
Sincerely,
DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-08-31 16:14:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Medard, well, I like the contrasts you set up and the loss of innocence is well captured both in the title and in the body of the poem. I would like to see a few more specific images in your future poems and perhaps even in a rewrite of this one. Abstracts like soul, quest, health, fortune, work best when supported by specific images- things that can be seen or touched. Overall though I like this poem and the structure you used supports the message you wanted to convey. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-30 21:22:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
My goodness this certainly is laid out to tell a story about a horribly depressed person. The
last two lines say it all..."I am not here. White is black." Whatever happened to your light that
was brighter than quasar? You hint at some health problems...but don't reveal what they are.
I truly hope you get some help, and thanks for bringing forth this insight into yourself as
depressing as it was for me to read it. GET SOME HELP PLEASE.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-08-30 21:19:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88462
Hi Medard,
I have read this poem several times and each time I feel pathos in the words and
a sense of futility. It seems to be written from the pen of a dying soul...maybe not
the finality of a human death but that of someone who is struggling just to get from
one day to the other. The depression is so deep that he no longer believes in God...
...'sacrificed to a God who is not even there'...where there is nothing...cold and alone
I sense the derision...an outbreak of ruin..my nature revealed'...the poet has had his
soul exposed and now believes there is no reason to go on....He is begging for the once
brilliant light of white to enter his body and soul to heal and console....'old and abused'
..I find this statement the saddest of all and fear that the poet could be suicidal...
...'an anemic fortune..my health deseased'...not only has he lost his health but all his
assets, as well...'a loss of white evacuates my soul...no passion is left..no love is
here'...could anything be more depressing than loss of passion and love...I don't think so.
...'I die in darkness revealed to no one...I am not here, white is black.' The saddness
this piece envokes is heartbreaking and I do so hope you write this about someone other
than yourself...an aquaintance or relative. Either way you have written a very
compelling piece and one that I will remember for days to come.
Peace...Marlyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-08-30 08:15:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.02174
Nihilism suched into a black hole, if thats what your going for then you hit the nail on the head,
Thanks for letting me read your poem
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