This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-18 17:24:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Things I Leave Undone I have frolicked in blades of emerald lawn
Known breathless passion till crimson dawn
Strolled across austere plains
Climbed stubborn rocky terrains
I have felt flaming darts of sin
With but a shield of faith therein
Worn a breastplate of righteousness
Known absurd folly of eagerness
I have felt the touch of craven fear
Lived through battles of yesteryear
Borne burdens of anxious toil
Defied the madness of turmoil
Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
And my doleful heart quietly weeps
For the many things I ruefully leave undone
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun
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Copyright © November 2004 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-12-05 21:25:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow Marilyn,
I think you have outdone yourself! This is a fabulous effort!
I love the idea of what you are saying and the way you so
artfully rue the things you haven't gotton to.
The rhymes are fresh, but then that is one of your many talents.
That's quite a list of dones I would say.
My favorite on the list of dones is:
"I have felt flaming darts of sin
With but a shield of faith therein"
It's what's behind that shield of faith that makes it strong
enough to withstand those darts and thanks for reminding me of that!
I think this one will do well in the contest and I know I am putting it on my list!
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-11-30 09:35:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52174
Always good to hike through your lines of emerald and crimson, makes the mind climb and I think I know well the line:
Known absurd folly of eagerness
I relly like the line:
Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
Although after a couple of reads I still wonder about the wizard sun,
Thanks for letting me read and comment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-11-29 20:33:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Marilyn,
Wow, this is awesome! The first line / first stanza reminds me of your usual “nature poems” but after reading the whole poem - this is something new from you. Yes, you do great “LIFE” poetries but this one is unforgettable! The message is ETERNAL!
Aside from the amazing message, I am also overwhelmed by how this is structured. The A-A-B-B rhyming pattern adds BEAUTY and ART in your work here. It shows the amount of time and effort you poured in this entry – now, I know I’m reading a QUALITY poem.
From the title itself, it already shows a mark of QUALITY. Then, with the colors you showered like “emerald” and “crimson” that brings life to the intro, and with metaphors like “austere” and “stubborn” – these are just excellent! You’ve done it with ease!
“flaming darts of sin”
“shield of faith”
“breastplate of righteousness”
“folly of eagerness”
--- Wow, the consistency of skills you showed here is evident. Nice choice of words to combine…I enjoyed this a lot!
“I have felt the touch of craven fear
Lived through battles of yesteryear
Borne burdens of anxious toil
Defied the madness of turmoil”
--- Continuously, you have deepen the message. Effectively, you have established the feeling of “regrets”. Successfully, you have connected with your audience. How I felt your “SELF”-remorse.
“Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
And my doleful heart quietly weeps
For the many things I ruefully leave undone
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun”
--- Great ending! I like how you started the ending stanza with “Now” - it somehow holds a firm confirmation. My heart also hurts with “my doleful heart quietly weeps”. And with “wizard sun”, wow…this is really so haiku-like…ha…ha…ha… - thanks for such creative descriptions, I am super inspired by your talent!
Again, you are a great entertainer and at the same time a great inspiration! Your words are worth-contemplating and at the same time worth-praising of. Your words are both comprehensive and a mystery. I can feel every word you used here. Thank you…I’m glad I have found this BEAUTY.
Two-thumbs up! For sure, this will reach the top! Brava Marilyn!
In awe,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2004-11-28 16:29:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Marilyn,
Oh but the things we leave undone. I bet you, I've got you beaten!
[no consolation I know] I've a million and one left undone.
And the old adage; if we knew then what we know now.......
I think the worst to not do is 'be in love'
and still; frolick in blades of emerald lawn
Known breathless passion till crimson dawn.
It's really true love is for every age, just not as easily
but nevertheless 'more better'. more soul not just body beauty.
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun.......Ilove the word WEND!
and every age wends their way beyond the sun. [young/old]
But your use sends the message clear.......getting older.
It's nice you have good memories of frolicking.
One can always go there to visit.
This poem reads well/rhyme great/fun/entetaining/thoughtful.
stay warm lady....
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-11-19 17:39:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn:
Wow! I thought from your title that this was going to be a poem
about unfinished household chores, closets not organized, or
letters to old friends unwritten. Was I wrong! You are writing
about the important things, not the temporal ones. I have been
thinking about this poem since I read it last night, on my
way to take a hot bath and retire for bed. I've thought about
it several times today as I've gone about my tasks. This is a
poem which sticks with a person, like a nourishing meal.
It's a summation of a spirited woman, living life fully,
including the passions, sorrows, battles, toil, tears
and all that life has to offer. It is not by avoiding
unpleasant tasks, painful losses, experiences of human
love, or resting on the sofa that the speaker has lived!
She lives still, with the total effects of all of her
experiences within, realizing that she will not complete
all of the things which she can envision, and that life
will not be an endless road on earth, but lead to a path
which will take her upward, toward the Light "beyond
the wizard sun." This line stimulated my thinking last
night so that a partial poem -- or at least a title for
one, keeps replaying in my mind. When I read a poem like
this one, I can't stay in my rut. <smile> You remind me
that my 'inbox' will not be empty when I go. It's a really
hard concept for me to accept. I feel so unfinished. But
you bring me along with you in your recognition that we
are made for higher things, and cannot be deterred from
our true mission -- which lies beyond earth and its
daily cares. I love the way you've written this - it is
engaging, colorful, honest, appealing, musical, passionate
and -- Marilyn. It is a like the short-version of your
life, summed in verse. In short, I love it!
I have frolicked in blades of emerald lawn
Known breathless passion till crimson dawn
Strolled across austere plains
Climbed stubborn rocky terrains
In the first four lines I cannot help but recall, like watching a film in
fast-forward motion, my first decades of play in grasses, then those of
"passion until dawn" (yes, Christians do have love-lives!) and times of
physical adventures of many sorts -- camping, hiking, kayaking, et al.
But the metaphor is there, too. Some of the places we've been in our
lives have been like 'austere plains' -- difficult and perhaps
duty-filled and monotonous. Then came the challenging times --"stubborn,
rocky terrains" -- and here I'm wondering if the 'stubborn' refers to
the self or perceptions of the difficulties of the tasks. "rocky" is
a mild word for the extremely painful and difficult passages endured,
with courage. Understated bravery.
I have felt flaming darts of sin--not so understated, but flashing with fire
With but a shield of faith therein
Worn a breastplate of righteousness--reference to scripture as foundation for a life
Known absurd folly of eagerness
I especially treasure the admission of "absurd folly of eagerness" for it makes
my own struggles and impatience seem more in balance with my highest ideals. It
is the essence of being HUMAN! A real, live, flesh-and-blood woman with all of
the tendencies and strengths and aliveness, and yes, follies, of our species.
I have felt the touch of craven fear
Lived through battles of yesteryear
Borne burdens of anxious toil
Defied the madness of turmoil
You write so clearly here of all of the ills 'that flesh is heir to' that
it is impossible not to identify this as my own story. This is a remarkably
universal poem.
Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
And my doleful heart quietly weeps
For the many things I ruefully leave undone
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun
The first line above has an almost Poe-like feeling -- I can hear the raven,
feel the approach of the sharp edge. The second line identifies an ache in
my chest...loss, regret, disappointment. And yet--we are on a pilgrimage,
you show us. I think your use of the 'w' sound is especially effective here --
it pulls me through the last few words to an awareness that this is but
another step in the journey. The awareness of that which seems unfinished,
undone must join with the knowledge that there is a greater purpose to
our lives than we can understand with our presently limited knowledge.
Magnificently done!
Brava!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-11-19 13:45:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn--This is an excellent Rhyming/List/History/lyric Poem: detailing/cataloging
some great and not so proud personal moments from parts of potagonist life. A vivid
metaphoric portrayal of the good, bad and ulgy is poignantly overshadowed by an equally
expressive redemption:
"Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
And my doleful heart quietly weeps
For the many things I ruefully leave undone
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun"
The lack of punctuation gives the poem "a sober starkness that appeals to me-I want this
read as my elegy." Thanks for the emotional read. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-11-18 19:50:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92857
Marilyn,
a very insightful piece. It certainly had me checking my scorecard. I read this several times and decided after the third reading to not only view this as if life was winding down which seems the obvious interpretation, but also to compare this with each “era” of my life, and make the mention to my heart for each revelation.
I have frolicked in blades of emerald lawn
Known breathless passion till crimson dawn – one of my favorite thoughts, scent and sight always return me time and again, is the lawn. Not so much a suburban thing, because I have lived all over the world, but the lawn represents to me the consummate health of my innocence. I frolicked, breathless, and reading your verse I more miss the innocence than desire the fun. The fun was a product of the other. Beautiful opening lines.
Strolled across austere plains
Climbed stubborn rocky terrains – I think we have shared our commonality here, the plains of SO Cal for me, and No Cal, and Spain, and it is a wondrous adventure in waiting. How effortless it was being young, how effortless just being!!
I have felt flaming darts of sin
With but a shield of faith therein
Worn a breastplate of righteousness
Known absurd folly of eagerness – You seem to be writing to the hearth of all of us. Not so much the darts of sin, maybe not even the shield of faith, but there is the breastplate of righteousness once worn, probably worn more now than then, but with little effect. This is a powerful verse taking me to times I have to recall whether I wish to remember them. I find it difficult at times to label the “absurd folly of eagerness”, for after the fall, there always seemed to be something beyond, but how true it all is.
Borne burdens of anxious toil
Defied the madness of turmoil – you spoke of fear, and almost all for me in life has been lost love, so your last two lines, “anxious toil” and the “madness of turmoil”, have I lived my life and the highs are defined by the lows, the trepidation referred by the serenity. This is an excellent stanza.
Now the sharp edge of midnight creeps
And my doleful heart quietly weeps
For the many things I ruefully leave undone
As I wend my way beyond the wizard sun – You know, I have found it difficult to step into the poets shoes, and not have my shoes overwhelm me. “Ruefully left undone” how, of all fears and trepidation, is this not the greatest of fears, of lost hope, and I dare not think of it. To this day I awake early and stay up late in hope that I might not miss something.
A wonderful verse, a poignant, wonderful verse.
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