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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-26 00:04:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 26 (Camel)

Down this barren land Treks the gentle traveler Carrying the hills

This Poem was Critiqued By: Carolyn Minsker On Date: 2003-10-14 15:03:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Wow. Dear Erzahl, I just had to tell you how much I admire this breathtakingly beautiful haiku. I can't imagine reading or writing one finer than this! Your hard work at honing your skill is certainly paying off! I would like to take a page from your book and become as dedicated to my craft as you are, it is obviously worth it. The wonder and awe that fills me on reading this piece is partially due to the multimedia-like reaction of my imagination as I read the meticulously chosen words. You see, I picture the barren sands of a rippling desert, the slow, rocking gait of the "gentle traveler" and then - I arrive at the phenomenal phrase 'carrying the hills' and my 'eyes' come to rest on the camel's humps that echo the golden desert hills beyond. Indescribably delicious. and just beautiful. Thank you for this wonderful poem, dear Erzahl.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-06 17:44:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Dear Erzahl, This Haiku is another absolutely beautiful piece from you. This is stunning. I see a picture of such an admirable creature. One that can not only survive in the barren desert, but also has carried many a wise man on his way through the barren desert. I love the double meaning of "Carrying the hills". Very nice job. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Galen never received one at bir Arrowhead On Date: 2003-10-05 20:25:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 6.66667
Erzahl, Even though I'm new to this stuff (first day on site and just starting in on writing poetry), I do know what this is: haiku 5-7-5. Perfect form. This poem says many things to me. First, the land is barren which suggests to me destruction of it or futility or it simply doesn't bear fruit. You might be extending this further to mean modern life, but I'm not sure of that one. So much meaning in just 5 syllables. The second line adds meaning to the first one by bringing a person into the picture, but image is precise. This is a gentle traveler who continues to trek in spite of the barrenness. (Of course, the gentle traveler could only refer to the title word - camel, but I'd like to think it could be either.) I like the alliteration with trek and traveler, then the word gentle also has a t, which I think is a beautiful word choice. The third line seems to reinforce the image of barren land, because the traveler is "carrying the hills." A heavy load, almost too heavy and it is a wonder the gentle traveler can keep going. Actually, this poem could be referring to the way people have always, or so it seems, used animals for our own benefit often without any consideration for the animal. Also, perhaps the way we are ruining the land in a way that hurts the wildlife. I may have found too much in it, but your poem suggests so much to me and has gotten me to think about a few things. Thank you for sharing and it certainly belongs near the top. Good going.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen A. Morris On Date: 2003-10-05 06:25:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Perfect poem, very concise "barren land" "gentle traveler" and simply "carrying the hills." I like the interplay of these words, which presents a picture not only of the camel but of the average person just trying to make his/her way through life with all the pressures of family and working. Great poem. I can see why this one is so high in the competition. You well deserve this, poet. Hope to see more of your work.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-10-01 22:42:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Oh this holds many possibilities to equate not only to the Camel, but to the time and place we are dealing with right now, The Middle East, for you tweeked me into a great deal of reflection. First of all the haiku is applied spotlessly, each of us I believe will either instantly understand, ot quite possible question where? Well to me the Middle East, and the fact the Camel has been their workhorse, probably since we all read of the Three Kings. I take you defination in you using the singular Camel, that you speak of the one humpted version of this useful beast of burden, although we know there is a two humpted version. Listen Erzahl, it speks very fluently, to an actual gentle companion many use all these past enons, you know the analogy drawn beween "Carrying the Hills is so strongly an identification, of course anywhere there are dunes of sand one can see the camel and the hills, that's a great turn of phrasing. This poem has great appeal, it's so vivid q draw in ones mind that this applies to desert like environoments, you use gentle traveler in you second line, and instantly one sees a camel with companion, or even alone wild in its habitat, there isn't anything I would suggest in the way of its carrying the intent, and it's marvelous that so few descriptive well strung words makes me feel peaceful. Yet they spit on ocassion, but look these gentle travels have served man so well. Great read, very enjoyable. So glad I could get to the poem before the month ended, however I do read and note every poem, and those I do want to critique I do, and yours are always fun to critique on. Goog Luck this month...Best regards, Jo Morgan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-10-01 16:38:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Erzahl, Perfect. This is fantastic.I did not have a lot of time for critiques this month but wanted to read what other's identified as the cream of the crop. I can see this camel treking throught the desert when reading this poem. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-09-30 21:46:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Erzahl: It's clear to me that you have something which I can only relate to as 'genius' for this style of poetry. So much is compressed within your seventeen syllables! You position the "gentle traveler" moving in a downward direction, and brilliantly picture him as "carrying the hills." What an incredible image. The metaphor of the camel as a beast of burden, who "carries" hills captures the view of distant sand dunes as well as of the rounded hump of the dromedary. Or is it a two-hump camel? In any case, the direction of travel, the barrenness of the landscape, the patient, plodding and burden-laden walk of this animal and surrounds are all contained within this very brief form. Amazing! And then, the sounds. . . The sounds of the 'n' within "down/barren/land/gentle" are superbly effective in conveying the sense of movement, of the placement of four heavy feet, rhythmically on sand, 'down, down, down' down' - amazing. Best of all (at least for this reader) is the final line, with the liquid r's and l's - implying a softness and ease, an elegant naturalness that is extremely soothing. I don't know how you do this - Erzahl. But however it is that you do it, I hope you will continue indefinitely! It is eye and ear-pleasing poetic-crafting. You make me look at the camel with more appreciation now. Thank you for another brilliant gem. All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-30 14:16:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I like the way this rolls right off my tongue, "Down the barren land" Good visual of the vast deserts. "Treks the gental traveler" definatly invokes a unique vision of Camel. "Carrying the hills" Nice ending. I may have used "Burdend by the hills" to keep the word count in line. Other than that, very strong Haiku with good 5/7/5 form and structure. Thank you , Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-29 00:11:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23077
Dear Erzahl, This is just lovely. Being from the dessert, I am not thrilled with the idea of "barren" but ; ) I love how you have made home carry the hills. Even without the title, I would know. so good. Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-09-27 01:14:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23529
Erzahl, This is pleasant. I love the image of "Treks the gentle traveler..carrying the hills". I find l1 a little difficult. Perhaps, On "this barren land" or Donning barren land. I don't know there is something missing in this line. Just an observation. Yeah, like the student telling the teacher. As always, I find pleasure looking in your nature's scrapbook. Andrea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-09-26 23:34:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45000
Interesting haiku on camels...the reference to deserts, travel, humps. well done...but I've never heard anyone call camels "gentle" in my reading...perhaps because I've never met one except to be eyed by one at a zoo. but the reputation I've heard is not so kind (more proud-necked). I like your portrayal better.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-09-26 22:35:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44000
The poem meets the form well. The syllable count is correct, the subject Nature, there is a "twist" at the end. As I read, I pictured the ground around Bethleham, a camel pacing steadily along. The last line, as description of the camel is really good. It marries the camel and hisa form to the land he walks. I love the deceptive simplicity of your Haiku. Rene fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-26 08:07:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.49091
Down this barren land Treks the gentle traveler Carrying the hills This morning, in the midst of rain and rumble of thunder off in the distance, I find myself travelling in time to the place of barren lands, to follow this traveler with his two hills, indeed a sight as he just slowly moves in motion of his oversized load swaying from one side to the other as the hot sun beats down upon him........love the term carrying the hills for indeed he does along with whatever else is placed upon him by his owner......and even if he travels alone he is never alone for those hills follow wherever he goes....good form as always, nice images with your words as well. Thank you for posting and sharing this thought with us....looking forward to more......please tell your mom I still check to see if she has posted again. Be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-26 01:19:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41176
You make it sound so easy yet it is profound the words used yet they are simple to mind. You have given me the desert void of all except the land, you have given me the steady journey of the traveler who keeps proceeding forward, and you have given me the description of the camel. I like your Haiku format with your poetry and the way you bring the picture to the readers mind. Thank you again for sharing your talents with us. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-26 00:15:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Wow! "Carrying the hills" is marvelous. This does everything haiku was designed to do. It is a stark presentation of a natural event which suggests a season [or, in in this case - amazingly - the lack of one] and it allows us to see the world with fresh vision..perfect cyllable count too. Congraultions, Erzahl!

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