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This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-07-03 19:23:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86538
Dellena: This is a heavy poem – and it feels as it sounds, from the title through the end. Except, the ending is sometimes used in lighter conversation, the equivalent of trailing off at the end of a sentence. You have done an incredible job of conveying an emotion in this poem -- not only feelings, but the physical sensations, as well. I admire your ability to get to the feeling, to express it in its fullness. When I want to write ‘bleak’ I tend to find myself, at times, softening it a bit for readers. Mistake. We hide this way. It is far better, I now know to go there, and take the reader with you. In this way, you respect the reader as well as yourself. Getting to the truth of our experience with others, and in turn, they get to theirs with us. This, I believe, is the work of poetry. And yes, it’s work. And so from the title through your closing line, I am laboring with you. Not as I have the same or similar situation, though we must all eventually face debilitation of the body unless we die suddenly at the peak of our youth and good health – that perhaps a worse tragedy. But I digress. Your poem evokes this kind of reflection. The sound of the word “yoked” itself has a feeling of pull-stuck. The yielding ‘y’ gives way to the plosive ‘k/d’ ending. Nothing more final sounding than a ‘d’ I think. The hefty yoke of greatest sorrow presses the day cheerless with the weight of a thousand tons of heavy metal lead. Here I felt that one noun could be omitted – either ‘metal’ or ‘lead’ perhaps. But the idea you want to get across is the weight of it, the impermeability. How it does not give. I might try ‘thousand tons of lead’ but on the other hand there is something right about what you have, as well. The harness is laden upon my shoulders with my drooping neck hung low from the extreme excess burden of deep emotion. I really like the repetitive quality of the final line above, because “extreme excess burden” and “deep” take me there. Lets your reader experience it to the core. And so with this, I think “heavy metal lead” should stay. Bound securely with a brutal force like a draft horse living in subjugation. Gripped in servitude to misery's implement The rhythm of the L1-2 above is almost rap-like, almost a relief from the relentlessness of the poem’s tone. Except, for the meaning of the words, which is crystal clear. You use of the heavy plosive ‘b’ and ‘d’ sound again show us how immense the burden is. I like the internal rhyme of “force/horse” as it emphasizes the sense of being bound. Strangle held, I'm gasping for life sustaining air. Every turn proves to tighten the harness's hold. Desperation slices time's redemption with its knife. Painfully, the poem concludes with an inescapable sense of the imprisonment by circumstances of the speaker. Who now sounds resigned to what IS. L3 above with its long ‘i’ sound like a cry, suggests pain – especially “slice/knife.” I wish there were some way I could relief the suffering of the one who speaks. I hope that the writing of this work and the reflections given by readers may lighten the burden somewhat. And so it goes… (And you are heard!) My prayers always, Joanne

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