This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-06-28 13:58:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © June 2005 Joanne M Uppendahl
feels flurry’s waste of kisses
white on white on white
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-07-07 15:43:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35526
This is an interesting piece that kind of dissolves like the fractal piece but different in a way. You keep true to haiku form, and paint a vibrant image. Good job here. Not much else to say on this one.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-07-07 07:00:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
road-clearing snowplow -- fairly literal identification of the topic
feels flurry’s waste of kisses -- now it's personified, brought to life by the touch of snow!
white on white on white -- rhyhmic sort of sensation, like the endless fall os the flakes
Hi Joanne. I chose to open with the poem itself and then respond afterwards. What I most appreciate is that the "waste of kisses" seems to animate the dull machine into something aware, something sentient. Yet you don't explicitly say this. The word "feels" and the connotations of wasted kisses are the only clues. The rest is up to the reader.
So the plow becomes a potential Prince Charming, to be awakened by the purity of the white-white-white kiss. Kind of a Snow White reversal going on here. Or, taken another way, we have a workingman/plow who has never really thought much about the beautiful things of the earth until he is suddenly reminded of them, by direct encounter. I wonder if he will stop to admire the woods filling up with snow, like Frost's driver and little horses. I wonder if he will ever again be content with merely clearing the burdens that impede us. So many questions for so short a poem!
Delightful. And here we are in July! Of course, it's cool and rainy here, as it seems to be 70% of the time; but tomorrow might be hotter and I will recall your stalwart plow with affection.
Hope you're having a great summer!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-07-05 18:16:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64516
Well, I finally made it to one of yours! I am still going down my list, but did not get to crit much today, as Brian was working from home on his computer.
The imagery you have used in this haiku is awesome! You have touched my senses, visually, physically...and now I am cold....BUURRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Your use of the word 'waste' [of kisses] and the repetition of 'white' in the last line, creates a very vivid image of a snowstorm for this reader! And, your use of 'road-clearing' in the first line, as an adjective for 'snowplow' [as if one is needed, that's what a snowplow does, does it not?], only adds to the perception of the image [maybe precipitation, as well...LOL]...this reader envisions a snowplow working ever so hard to clear the road, but never achieves it's goal due to the flurry of kisses that the storm bestows on it, and the roads as well.
Great job! I love it!
Now, I think I'll trade my iced tea for some hot chocolate!
PS....the rains that I emailed you about have arrived! It is raining cats and dogs outside, but our new kitty still slumbers peacefully on the bed!
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-06-29 17:02:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52632
I can see and feel, the picture here. Winters are my favorite season of all, so I have witnessed this, many times in my life. "Feels flury's waste of kisses", is poetic as poetic gets. All that snow, just bounding up and flying around the snowplow, creating this white on white in your poem.
You have a true sense of what writing is, what the reader is looking for and how to entertain us as you do it.
You know I'm a fan, and I'm not looking for high critique scores, but I think credit should be given where credit is due and you have a natural born gift - A God given talent if you will, that you amazingly share, unselfishly each month with those of here.
I've never tried haiku - I'm still trying to get the hang of free verse. I have no suggestions or changes to offer you (as usual) but that's ok, right?
Best to you.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-29 12:29:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35821
Here goes, I not real great at critiqueing haiku, however I do know what I like.
road-clearing snowplow set the scene, roads snowed over, high cold snowdrifts, cold crisp air
feels flurry's waste of kisses yum, if I'm there the kiss's aren't wasted, I can stick my tongue our
and taste them, let them melt in my hair, stick to my eyelashs, kiss
my face all over and luxuriate in their feel, their aliveness, is that
a word, LOL.......you get my drift, no pun intended.....
I especially like the
white on white on white the purity of it, one can see the drifts going on endlessly as all things
continue on to infinity shaping, changing and reshaping....wow
I've have sat here this morning and just let this run over my mind, it is definately better than "calgon take me away" a much needed outing. Thank you for the moments of peaceful escape you gave me this morning.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-29 00:32:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61765
Good Morning Poet.......a lovely cool thought for this summer heat we are having.......
Haiku true to form with its 5-7-5 beat..........love the first snowfall of the season, the snowplow usually comes late to us here in Tully and if the flakes have been mounting the kissing intense and the white is seen forever.........nice images you have created again poet with the flare of your pen........love the thought of the snowfall as kisses too...........for some the falling flakes represent 'gold' in the winter season when their summer jobs like gardening have come to a half after the fall harvest.........Right now though we are in the intense heat and humidity of August weather and that is not good......over the weekend it appears a tornado touched down nearby....you could tell by the color of the sky someone was in trouble that day.......and I imagine with the clean up those winter trucks with their plows not yet attached are making money clearing fallen trees and moved objects. Thanks for sharing with us.......thanks for the refreshing thoughts as the water drips from my hair line......take care, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-06-28 19:44:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32258
Ha! When was the last time you saw a snowplow? White on white? More like white on grey on black.
Okay, maybe white on white on white after a fresh dump (of snow of course). After awhile it become
black because of the tires on the pavement pick up oil and other waste. Yeccch. Waste of kisses
I'm not so sure about. Hmm. I'm rambling. As a haiku the count is okay. What ever made you think of
this in the middle of summer? Vrooooom!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2005-06-28 17:12:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I really like the use of alliteration at the start of the second line and the subtle use of the same device in "waste" and "kisses"--- very effective and engaging. The first line feels a wee bit rough on the aural level,especially with 'snowplow' being the last two syllables of the line. Alkthough it's effective, I think the line would sound much better than it already is if you moved "snowplow" to the opening of that line. The title's inclusion of "snowplow' seems a bit unnecessary/repetitious since it is used again in the first line. The centering of the poem is intriguing and effective and I love the last line in its ability to emphasize the color of the snow in such a way where the monochromatic nature of the scene dominates as it does in an Ansel Adams photograph. Excellent, excellent work as always and I hope these minor suggestions are helpful.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-06-28 14:34:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73077
This is such an unique haiku like only you could have written!
road-clearing snowplow....boy..have I ever seen my share of these. When we have several feet of snow the
plow is the only way we can get around except on foot. I have driven or was a
passenger in a car following a snowplow many times. They are large and seem
awkward but essential in this country.
feels flurry's waste of kisses....I just love this line...very imaginative...much like your own spirit!
My goodness what a sin to waste kisses...wonderful marriage of words!
white on white on white.....and a perfect ending to a perfect haiku. Have you ever heard of snow blindness?
It happens when everything is so white and the sun so bright that temporary
blindness occurs. In fact when that happens you can not see anything but white
in front of your eyes. No wonder skiers wear sun-glasses!
You have written several haiku poems but I think this may be your best...well that is really hard to say because they are all good. But this one really speaks to me and that is what poetry is all about.
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