This Poem was Submitted By: Kenneth R. Patton On Date: 2005-07-21 06:04:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Battle For Mount Diablo Dark overcast, master of the night
Slowly rose and broke apart
Bowing before the strong California sun
Pockets of mist clung to the valleys
But soon they too were vanquished
Only the peak of the mountain remained shrouded
Gray clouds swirled stubbornly
Blowing and gathering
refusing to relinquish their prize
There was no way of knowing
if the mountain was struggling
to cast off the dark or clinging to moist solitude
Either way the sun soon won out
The hills and mountain stood
in golden glory, a tribute to their master
But the master became tyrant
punishing the mountain for its dark secrets
Agonizing heat baked the parched hills
Little could be done but endure
until the sun grew tired
Vanguard shadows approached
And victor became vanquished again
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Copyright © July 2005 Kenneth R. Patton
Additional Notes:
I recently spent a week on vacation near Mt. Diablo in California.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-08-01 13:19:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
During what I like to call my "dippy hippie days" I spent some time on Mt. Shasta in '74. So I
can attest to the magnificance of what you write. Very descriptive interpretation of the days you
spent there. Perhaps you could have said something about the cold nights turning into "agonizing
heat..." etc. Well laid out with an appropriate title.
Thanks for bringing me back in time.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-07-27 01:05:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Very nice tribute and recollection of time probably well spent at a beautiful or cherished spot of nature in our world. I enjoyed the way this poem unfolded. There is no rhyme or rhythm, but the words fit the meaning well and a wonderful picture is illusrated that makes readers feel as though we were there with you.
It takes talent to capture the beauty of nature in words, and you've done a great job here. I think I enjoy the "battle" aspect of it all and the personification that you use throughout the poem giving characteristics to nature. Great idea.
Thanks for sharing this one. I enjoyed reading it.
Latorial
www.latorialfaison.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-25 04:31:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70968
Good Morning Poet and I am pleased to read that you have ventured out of New England and though you crossed the entire country you returned safely home.......for me, I sit here in Tully, enjoying the world travels with all of you in your words which are superbly posted.
I have never heard of this Mt. Diablo before but seeing I have Mt Tully before me I guess we will share an adventure of sorts. I love nature in all forms and though my health would not allow me to climb or walk many trails associated with this wonder of beauty I would certainly sit and take in the scenery it puts forth.....
I hear California is noted for its smog.........if this Mt. Diablo is located in perhaps a desert area how intense the heat must be for those "Agonizing heat baked the parched hills" ....how close did you get to this mountain poet? The read is lovely, the structure is picture perfect and your words certainly have done magical openings to my morning world. Thank you for posting and sharing with us.......hope your vacatrion was wonderful......for me I do not fly so Tully is where I shall stay....hehehe....God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-07-23 12:41:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Kenneth--Nothing like being close to nature to start the creative juices flowing.
This piece aptly shows through excellent personification a picturesque transition
from night to day (with some smog thrown in since it's California-smile)in life
of the famous Mt. Diablo. I like the idea of competition between opposing forces
for the attention of this elevated surface. However, I did stumble with;
"Agonizing heat baked the parched hills"
IMO, 'baked' and 'parched' are synonymous. Maybe a different verb or adjective and
or different arrangement of the exsisting verbiage would make this line flow better.
I humbly offer as a suggestion something like;
"Agonizing heat parched the (game/green/contrite) hills"
The one line was a very minor distraction from a overall colorful/enjoyable read. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-07-22 15:52:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.59459
A stunning write, Kenneth Patton!! I love the lines,
*Pockets of mist clung to the valleys
But soon they too were vanquished
Only the peak of the mountain remained shrouded
Gray clouds swirled stubbornly
Blowing and gathering
refusing to relinquish their prize*
for I, too, have been entranced by the morning mists, and you give them and the mountain a presence, one which gives image to the battle among mountains, mist and the ultimate winner, the sun. But then, to have the conqueror tire, and go down to the waiting vanquished!! What pictures you paint! The daily ebb and tide of the day! Bravo! Ken.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-07-22 09:35:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53191
Kenneth,
I was so pleased to see this on my list, it was a great way to start my day.
The Battle For Mount Diablo {very fitting}
Dark overcast, master of the night
Slowly rose and broke apart
Bowing before the strong California sun
Pockets of mist clung to the valleys
But soon they too were vanquished
Only the peak of the mountain remained shrouded
{wonderful description of daybreak, night and it’s darkness breaking up, the heavy clouds that shroud the mountain at night dissipating with the morning sun}
Gray clouds swirled stubbornly
Blowing and gathering
refusing to relinquish their prize
There was no way of knowing
if the mountain was struggling
to cast off the dark or clinging to moist solitude
{this is splendid, one can visualize the mists hanging stubbornly to the mountain and how they swirl within the warm and cold air pockets created by the warming sun and the hidden crevices of the mountain}
Either way the sun soon won out
The hills and mountain stood
in golden glory, a tribute to their master
{I have always like this time of day, that brief few moments when the sun sort bursts, erupts making everything golden just before the light of day sets in…almost as if everything is sprinkled with gold dust}
But the master became tyrant
punishing the mountain for its dark secrets
Agonizing heat baked the parched hills
Little could be done but endure
until the sun grew tired
Vanguard shadows approached
And victor became vanquished again
{and once again day becomes night and the mountain has a reprieve so that it might replenish its self with the moisture that reciprocates with every nightfall}
This offering is excellently crafted, very well structured and the flow made for a easy read. Your alliteration is superb, your verbiage pays homage to this vision of nature. Thank you for this visage of what might have been just another life cycle if it were not for your words.
Lora
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