This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-08-06 09:38:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Captive Soul

She is indifferent  after years and years to the stain upon her soul Counting endless times  she sighs away  into slumber Heavy heart flees to dream  another life filled with fantasies Aided by the audience of silence and idle time at hand she drifts beyond the universe far deep to sleep in wonderland An echo of activity  will stir her once in a while then light can shine upon some blessings that leave only a shadow of a smile In little captive moments the stain begins to fade for she is counting endless times of kneeling down to pray A soul is to choose, think and feel good wisdom sheer divine indifferent being the affliction holding her prisoner of her own design

Copyright © August 2005 DeniMari Z.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-09-05 18:11:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51111
Okay, this one I enjoyed. The stain...can be erased by lots of counselling perhaps. What is a soul anyway? Who has seen one? I trust this person will awaken from her stupor and live again. Thanks for letting me in.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-08-24 20:53:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78261
DeniMari: It is often part of a poem that strikes me and will stay with me for a long while, though the meaning of the entire poem may be lost. This is the part I love: Aided by the audience of silence and idle time at hand she drifts beyond the universe far deep to sleep in wonderland An echo of activity will stir her once in a while then light can shine upon some blessings that leave only a shadow of a smile It is the combination of sounds and images which you use that are powerfully affecting here. I especially enjoy your use of the sounds of "audience/silence" with the assonance and consonance you handle so well. It is hypnotic. And then the 'a' sounds of "aided/audience/activity" seem to suggest intense but restrained emotions. You cover the range with the short- and long- 'a' sounds. You use of the heavier plosive 'd' in "aided/audience/idle/hand' drifts/deep" for example lets the poem work itself into the reader's consciousness with rhymthmic effect -- add to that the final two lines' "divine/indifferent/design" and I think you have a fascinating poem not only in theme but in sound. My best always, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-08-24 18:15:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Hi again, You are at the top of my list! I'm not meaning to harrass you.... I again get a feeling, I've been where your at. I had a huge midlife crisis at 40 and turned upside down/inside out. As a wife and mother, I did for everyone. Their interest always before mine. I could be ok and without even if the world ended. No one taught me, I had to learn who I was, or what I must do to be fulfilled. To be a good little girl, I must think of others instead of myself. Yes but no..... First we know/love ourselves, then go from there. We must fill our cup in order to share. And when empty fill it again. You are sitting there with an empty cup. It is now your time, your chance, to figure out what fills your cup. What do you enjoy? What fills you with joy? What needs fixing? I have learned writing is wonderful to help me know myself. Your poems tell a meaningful story. Keep writing... unprison yourself..[sounds simple but isn't/but is possible] you've a second chance! dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2005-08-23 14:46:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68750
DeniMari, You've captured well the feeling of being a prisoner of a different sort here: the prisoner of a flow that is breathless and which one cannot escape from. An odd effect, in light of the devoid nature of the person here. This poem is filled with breath, life. The momentum is unerring. I like the flow - though i hate that word - here very much. Another nice design from you. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-08-11 21:47:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari, Your structure is good and your words flow easily one into the next. You have painted a diffuse picture, one I'm not sure is good or bad but that I can identify with. I think there is a bit of this in all of us, at least those of us who are honest with ourselves about our lives, our beliefs and feelings. You summon us to an awakening, knowing of ourselves, our imperfections, our downfalls, our escapes, the things that help us to remain functional in what can be such a disfunctional place. You have crafted this piece well and certainly have honed your skills as a poet and potential philosher....Thank you for gifting us with this talented piece. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-08-10 22:44:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari, This was a very interesting read. The title sparked my interest. I wrote a poem in college titled DIVINE CAPTIVITY, and your poem puts another spin on captivity. It's an internal conflict that you write about, and so many people are guilty of experiencing the very feelings that you bring forth in this poem. You speak of a woman. There's something about a female's agony. It's different from male agony. Perhaps because we're more visibly emotional (not at all to say that men are not). You speak of years and of a stain that lingers. Time and hurt and pain can hold a person captive inside their own minds, their own hearts. And when I read this poem, I thought of just that. Someone perhaps afraid to love or live because of hurt, something that still pierces the heart and soul. But, I found favor in the last four lines of the poem. They were great lines: A soul is to choose, think and feel good wisdom sheer divine indifferent being the affliction holding her prisoner of her own design Every line is filled with truth and wisdom. Every soul does make his/her own choices thinking and feeling . . . and wisdom is divine. You say that indifference in an affliction, and that is so true. When we allow feelings of misery or guilt or shame or hurt to overcome us, we're really hindering our own growth and success and peace (it holds us prisoner to ourselves as you say in the last line). You have written a great truth here from which we can all learn, and I'm sure readers could identiy with the picture that you paint here. I sure did. Great job. Latorial
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2005-08-10 13:34:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi DeniMari, This is a poignant piece full of held emotions. It is true that soemtimes we are making our own design of captivity and it is all up to us to unfetter ourselves from the bondage we make. I hope that in your poem, the captive has already been released from its own cell by now. The characterization of "She" in the poem is significant because emotions are more rampant to women. In the end, endless times of kneeling down to pray is the key to release one from its own prison. Thanks for sharing this with us. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-08 16:03:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi DeniMari, I feel the pathos in these words....a captive soul is sad to begin with but I found myself wanting to will o.k....I know it will....'she is indifferent after years and years to stain upon her soul'..immediately I wonder what has been so awful in the poet's life that it left a permanent stain upon her soul. She escapes to slumber and dreams of another full of become something she is not just to ease the pain that assualts her....'aided by the audience of silence and idle time at hand' is an amazing line....'an echo of activity will stir her once in a while, then light can shine upon some blessings that leave only a shadow of a smile' beautiful rhyming here. The notion that 'she' is stirred only once in a while is sad and pitiful. The depression must be so profound that nothing phases it or soothes it...'in little captive moments the stain begins to fade'..this line brings hope to this reader that she is going to rise up and beat the demon that is holding her captive...away from life, away from love, away from all that is beautiful in this world to see....'a soul is to choose, think and feel good wisdom sheer divine indifferent being the affliction holding her prisoner of her own design'...but my hopes soon fade with the last line....prisoner of her own be indifferent is beyond a doubt the most devastating emotion there says nothing, reacts to nothing, feels nothing, and looks forward to nothing. This is a gut wrenching poem but one that is so compelling that it is hard not to read it again and agin. I do hope you are not speaking of your own circumstances here but the words certainly come from the heart and one that is sad and one that needs to be treated kindly. Very well done....bravo! Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-08-06 16:58:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
DeniMari--This post, IMO, starts out inferences someone whose expectations from life has fallen short of what was expected; "...she sighs away into slumber Heavy heart flees to dream another life filled with fantasies" In search of a life different than the one being experienced protagonist finds temporary solace; "...she drifts beyond the universe far deep to sleep in wonderland An echo of activity will stir her once in a while..." Through an epiphany/free will "Captive Soul" realizes the problem is within her- self and therein lies redeemption; "...A soul is to choose, think and feel good wisdom sheer divine indifferent being the affliction holding her prisoner of her own design Some well placed rhymes (hand/wonderland; deep/sleep; while/smile; divine/design) contributes to poetics and enhances the message of this melancholic read. I took from this that each person is responsible for making their own happiness. Sorry, if I missed your intended purpose. TLW
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