This Poem was Submitted By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-09-18 22:07:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

in honorarium...

In guilt-ridden pity, self-loathing I wallowed. Left gutted and empty  though bitterness swallowed. Dispelled and forsaken with no star to follow pits blood against blood. Hearts grow cold and hollow. Lessons learned with the lash; drove home with the throttle.  Through conflict, contention, contempt and a bottle.  From the teat early torn and thrust into battle. Resented, rejected, two burdens to saddle. Love but with condition, contentment belied. Constrict with attrition, compassion denied. Distrust and deception bore dissonant sides. With cancer-like cruelty destroyed from inside Then cast out with malice in judgment and blame. To walk among others unworthy, in shame. Alive but not living these cursed bastard sons. That nowhere finds welcome and everyone shuns Their darkness eternal in judgment and doubt. In blindness abandoned unarmed and without. Condemned to stand outside but forced to look in on those who succeeded and what could have been.

Copyright © September 2005 charles r pitts

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-10-04 12:57:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Charlie, I have read this poem several times tryng to dig between the lines to get to the core of it. But first let me say that the rhyming is exquisit! It flows like a well oiled words out of place. If I didn't know better (because rhyming like this is not that easy)I would say you know this story so well that you just sat down and wrote it and never had to do an edit. I get the sense that this tale is about two brothers who don't necessarily love one another...or were forced into competion early on and never got past it. You write that (you) wallowed in self pity in bitterness, dispelled and forsaken. What a horrible place to be! Lesson being learned at the end of a lash and destroyed from inside....alive but not living these cursed bastard sons...this speaks of illegitimacy and I fell it is you and a brother. I am probably all wrong on my take of this piece. However, it is so riddled with profound emotion that I get the sense that you lived it...and perhaps still are. It could easily be biblical but in my gut I don't think so. If this is you and a brother who were forced to compete with each other it is one of the saddest tales I have read in a long time. No parent should ever do that to a child. All children are worthy and wonderful and should be treated as such. Children are just a blank slate when they are born and the impression that are formed take place as we raise them and teach them how to cope and survive in a world that is full of pitfalls. My heart hopes that this is not your own story but if it is you have my smypathy and also my hope that you can overcome what you lived with as a child. Very well written...bravo Peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2005-09-25 12:24:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
WOW! Love your use of figurative language in this beautifully writted poem. Each quatrain has a perfect line count, and each line has a perfect syllable count. Well done. The story you tell is powerful and full of stark truth, with some good imagery woven in. The first stanza is my fav: In guilt-ridden pity, self-loathing I wallowed. Left gutted and empty though bitterness swallowed. Dispelled and forsaken with no star to follow pits blood against blood. Hearts grow cold and hollow. Love the assonance, and use of well chosen words here. It sets the mood for the body of the poem with perfection. ..."bitterness swallowed..." great! Love this! Such a sadly true, and honest write. I enjoyed reading this one very much. A fine peice of word art. Thanks for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jillian K Sorenson On Date: 2005-09-22 23:22:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This poem has good rhythm and rhyme. I'm not really sure if the speaker is part of this shunned group or not. Technically, this poem has no errors but it's VERY dark. The plotline is a bit obscure as well, we know a lot about what this shunned group is feeling and experiencing but we know none of the WHY involved. I mean these aren't just abused neglected children because EVERYONE shuns them....I'm just a bit confused on the subject here. Great structure.
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-09-21 13:23:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Well first off it's a well constructed poem that rhymes extremely well. You have a very very dark poem here about two brothers, perhaps one is yourself although you don't let on so. I'm not sure what your title refers to - maybe the ones left standing? Not sure also why you're standing outside looking in. Isn't that better than being the reverse? At least you can write about it. I like the comparison between the teat and the bottle. Both are looked on as a source of comfort, perhaps the former better than the other, one better for noursishment as well but both give solice to those doing the sucking. Most want to be held and suckled...the only thing one can get from suckling the bottle is to hang onto the china bowl.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2005-09-20 10:54:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow. Upon my first reading of this poem, I felt that you’d expressed a lot of what’s been churning around in me for the last week. September 18th was my “death” anniversary. (I was raised a JW and disfellowshipped and disowned by parents.) Then I thought of the boys in Utah kicked out of the bigamist Mormon faction community there. As I examined this poem again I saw the fallen angels. I had a realization. They’re related. I never saw the connection before. For years I’ve asked myself, why do I still get twitchy as my death anniversary approaching and I have nightmares that replay the pronouncement that I was to be considered dead to everyone I’d ever known, even my parents? I’ve always loved the “Prophecy” movies, but I’ve long since moved away from worshipping any deity. Was the story of the angel’s fall a metaphoric story about the splitting up of a family; the disowning of a child? Or if the bible story are literal is that were the devaluing of children came from? I haven’t wanted most of that life back for a long time, but only recently I find that I don’t want any of it back, not even my family. Would angels reach that point too? Thank you for the thought-provoking poem. The primal and violent beat of this piece lent a strong current to the message. Once I started this poem there was no way I could stop. I’ll be thinking about this one for a long time to come. Kayren
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to Database Page!