This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2008-01-20 01:04:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Proceed With Caution I drove to the mountain and went to the top
The air smelled so sweet, I didn’t stop
I kept on going toward the sun
Looking both ways, stopping for none
Didn’t know where I was going but knew where I’d been
And had no desire to turn back again
I never imagined I’d again see the day
That I could go forward, finding my way
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Copyright © January 2008 Rene L Bennett
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-01-31 18:59:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Rene,
The title is perfect.
In this small poem you got your meaning across.
That of growing, learning to move forward after all your trials.
So I applaud that in this work.
I do think your rhyme is a bit forced. top/stop sun/none been/again
Day and way seemed ok.
I think you know what I mean. It seems unnatural to say......... I drove to the mountain and went to the top
More likely to say; I drove to the top of the mountain.
Didn’t know where I was going but knew where I’d been.....could be reworded
I think you are doing real well with your poetry and most especially your personal life.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2008-01-22 23:59:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Rene,
There are a few interesting things about this poem. By not using punctuation ("stopping for none'), you emphasize the subject, that of a journey. Then the unstructured indentation of lines, also bring to mind that of a winding mountain path. The rhyme is child-like which hints of newness, diction is as simple as can be, which again stresses this almost unencumbered feeling of leaving things behind.
The title 'Proceed With Caution' relates to 'looking both ways' but with resolve 'stopping for none', and with 'no desire to turn back'.
The mountain is a symbol of progress to something better, climbing is always up. In the most simple of ways, you present an experiential poem, where the reader senses the events in the poem transcend themselves, suggest a larger reason for the victory. But you do not portray any sense to the reader of what it all means, why there has been progress from the lowlands. The poem indicates much more, but there is no hint to the meaning. If you could provide more context, the poem would have more substance. Or else, bring more imagery into it, so you give the poem more flavor. The poem doesn't have to tell the reader everything, but this one is too skeletal.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2008-01-22 16:39:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Rene....This terse poem packs a powerful punch. It speaks of how we can lose our way, for whatever reason, and find our days and nights are emobossed with self doubt. That is not a good place to be but sometimes it takes a lot of strength to pull ourselves up by our boot straps and go forward with a life. Especially a new life for which we are not use to or equipped for. In my life I have met many obstacles and felt I was not equipped to handle them...but with a little determination and trust in myself I always manage to rise above those bumps and go on. This is such an uplifting poem to me....I believe this poet has found her way to relief! Great poem with a great message.
Blessings....marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-01-20 16:09:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Good title poet, well presented read where your words allow for many images to be created by the reader.
Really enjoyed the rhyme as well.........thanks for posting, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-01-20 11:43:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rene',
Enjoyable, dances on the tongue. Might I make a simple suggestions, "drop the first word in L6 & L7", seems to keep the bounce moving better, mind you that is just MHO... Like this very much, light--full of hope and promise.
Best always,
Lora
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