This Poem was Submitted By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-01-09 05:44:57 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Ethereal Watermark In early morning hours when
the soul longs for its mate and dreams are born
of empty night’s desperation
In my mind, your voice a soft whispering
to catch between lonely’s tears while
heartache wraps itself around your robe’s scent
To linger on chance’s ethereal
essence as watermark for existence
a sign of life’s metamorphous
Breathless grief cries in anticipation
as if--distraught thoughts were purposed
to gather lost memories on sleep’s edge
Your aroma wends on night’s crisp
fog as chill freezes vapors to surround
for but a moment as I feel--
the pressing of your body next to mine
though flesh and bone reside in urn
and your spirit, a celestial breath.
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Copyright © January 2011 Lora Silvey
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-06 23:18:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78571
A nice work up of loss for a lover. I am unsure of the possessive "lonely's." I tend to put personification in proper case but that's just me. Excellent imagery of the morning and what it brings. How true. Kindest regards.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-02-06 19:34:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lora,
What a moving, touching piece about the longing for one who has gone before us. Your words paint an ethereal picture drawing from the tortuous night of longing through to the dream-scape in which we can somehow meet with those who have moved on to the morning you awake almost feeling your loved one holding you though reality begins to sink in as the day dawns and you realize your loved one is but ashes in the urn and a celestial breath whispering in your mind. Nicely done. Fine writing as usual from your pen. I pray you find peace through your writing.
Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-01-28 17:57:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lora,
I must be whako....I swear I reviewed this. Maybe you resubmitted it?
I like the raw truth of loneliness. The ones so dear who are gone, never to see
in this old world. That's why people we care about should be held so dear.
nice internal rhyme, distraught thoughts.
Verbiage is great
I like it.
A bit sad.....
you'll make it through...we all do!
Love,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-01-12 10:16:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Beautifully written Lora. It seems no matter how long we try to move on, these thoughts come - and the nights can be very long if sleep doesn't come easy. Imprints of memories and you've captured the very emotion, the exact feeling of someone who has lost something very precious in life.
There is nothing in this poem to change. I can relate to every word you've written with a sadness of not knowing if I want the whispering to stop or continue.
blessings, on my list for January.
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-01-10 12:10:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Lora,
This is a beautiful poem and one that is difficult to read with a dry eye. You so aptly protray the grief of losing a loved one. You have used expressive words and the flow is even, especially since it is written in free verse. Excellent. Bravo!
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-09 17:48:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lora, a powerful and touching dedication to love. From the first stanza you had me; nay, from the title. I knew I was in for a ride worth the time. Before I speak to the poem; S2L1-2, in my opionion, needs an edit, maybe chang L2 from “to†to “that catches between lonelyâ€, or change L2 from “a soft whispering†to “softly whispersâ€.
Ethereal Watermark – In the title you chose well. It takes the essence of the entire piece and condenses it into a powerful metaphor.
S1- reaches for those times that are universal; that is, the evening when sorrow and heartbreak scream the loudest, to the morning when waking reminds one of the loss. “souls†and “matesâ€, “dreams†and “desperation†make it a well painted picture.
S2 – you let us see inside the mind of the mourner, the needy; and join the tears. Added into this vision is the most powerful of memories engines, scent; and particularly the scent of somebody who is loved and missed. I know I understand the poignancy of that scene.
S3 – the “ethereal†that places the emotion beyond the natural, “watermark†that tendril that identifies the properties of the notion, the “metamorphous†or change to adapt, regardless of the memories.
S4 – we hear the “griefâ€, the “thoughts†and the recollection of “lost memories†that are redeemed in that place of “sleep’s edgeâ€. How tender is your soul in the moment of this piece. This is such a sweet observation of desire.
S5 – You “wend†a fine moment, where the night and “fog†a dual meaning word, is breached with the memory, and the tensile appearance of love.
S6 – Finally, the resolution, and interpretation. The recall, or gratification that is arrived at in memory of the one desired. “Celestial breathâ€- quite poignant and accurate to the “spirit†that brings the “bodyâ€, next to the writer.
A beautiful and touching piece. I am glad to have read it.
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