This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-01-28 10:37:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Old Bones

As the Earth rumbles  And shakes from its core Splitting wide open  Revealing the sore Harsh winds carry spirits Of those long since gone Pushing Old Bones onward Looking for home Vines in despair Grasp Old Bones’ feet Searching for meaning Each time they meet Skies of vermillion Bode a heavy heart Not knowing the end Or even the start Old Bones keeps trudging Climbing peak after peak Each mountainside looking For that which she seeks Rolling thunder clouds Cry her silent tears As Old Bones descends Into the valley of fears The journey is long But Old Bones does know Deep in her heart Which way she must go Collecting each life Lived moments in time Rescuing their souls Old Bones will remind Each one how precious And miraculous they are For when the night comes And the sky fills with stars Each twinkle above Flashes in Old Bones’ eyes Knowing they’re home As she looks to the skies

Copyright © January 2011 Mandie J Overocker

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-02-05 01:58:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Very nicely done Mandie! A good take on soul searching and written with positives of moving on - no matter what obstacle stand in front of someone. Strong intro - a haunt can be opened at any time. Appreciate the verbiage you chose to make an impact in this poem but I see a few changes that might make this post really stand out. I would omit the repetition of "Old Bones" it is the title and then placed many times in your poem. If I may, Harsh winds carry spirits Of those long since gone Pushing onward Looking for home Vines of despair Grasp feet Searching for meanings Each time they meet Rolling thunder clouds Shed silent tears As she descends Into the valley of fears The journey is long yet she knows Deep in her heart Which way she must go Each twinkle above Flashes in her eyes Knowing they’re home As she looks to the skies Of course each writer's intent is to get a message, a piece of themselves placed in each poem, and you have done this - just a little tightening up would make this poem flow and bring out the best of your chosen theme. blessings, Deni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-02-03 15:12:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, I think my bones have turned old too... Nice, reflective, memorable. Rhyme was not too much, flow was easy and continual, subject good, I've no complaints! Good job. Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-02-03 14:45:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Mandie, This is an accomplished poem with an unusual subject that I think is brilliant. You have a nice rhyme that carries the lines down the page like liquid falling. Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-01-30 16:27:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Nice work. It reveals a journey and the scheme keeps it going. I am unsure about the "sore" and "vines in despair." I fail to find their meaning but the imagery is good. Over all it is well crafted and while the begining is weak the ending is strong.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-01-29 13:39:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, the philosophy of the piece is reinforced throughout. My assumptions are not. I am not sure what “old bones” represents. I considered it was the earth, but the earth is a separate entity in your story. I considered it was a burial piece, of redemption- but when we finished, the “old bones” remained on the earth, looking skyward. I guess, though the redemptive qualities of the piece are obvious- I am not cognizant of who “old bones” is. I want to know, but I am missing it. Leave it to me to note the qualities of the story and miss the point of the object of that story. I do know this; at the end, I looked to the skies with “her”.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-01-28 11:33:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, Very well done. On first blush this seem simple and staight forward, the speaking of the earth and what she has suffered however, upon read and re-read one gathers so much more meaning and in different directions. An old woman who carries on--sees all that has gone before whether personal struggles or that of close ones and yet in her croning she persevers--gaining knowledge and wisdom. I really enjoyed this one and liked the duality of your accomplished pen. Lora
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