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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-10-08 23:29:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Role Model

This afternoon the rain called to me blowing leaves, squalling her sideways tears. Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them. How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next. Afterward, a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web and prudently began to weave once more.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-11-07 13:29:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89474
Oh...well, I read the new version fist, so let me compare them... After the Storm better title Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears. I like the present tense a lot better yes – I makes it more active Spent flowers bent in mourning ricochet off the porch, pots tumble-- no sturdiness left in them. I like this version of the sturdiness better too--- flows better as an image How free these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what [will be I think]. Afterward, a gleaming garden spider bobbles in her web and wisely begins to weave anew. I would just lose the adjective. Interesting to see the development of this poem. Best Roni

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2003-11-06 20:45:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Joanne, Yes, after the storm[s] [of life], life does go on, doesn't it? And what a wonderful 'role model' you have chosen; the industrious spider, ever weaving her web to ensnare her sustanence! "This afternoon the rain called to me blowing leaves, squalling her sideways tears." [the rain called to you, as if asking you to join in her sorrow...nice personification of the rain, as if she had the ability to cry...also a good metaphor for [your] sorrow...rainy days do bring us to remorse at times, do they not?] "Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them." [what a picture of sorrow you paint with your 'spent flowers bent in mourning' [good personifications of the flowers here, as well...and your picture of their demise is vivid...great imagery, as usual, you do have a gift for it!] "How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next." [freely, the fierce gestures take [from this earthly realm] and give [life] again in another...your use of the word 'fierce' indicates that what was given up was done so unwillingly, yet there is still hope of what awaits us] "Afterward, a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web and prudently began to weave once more." [In the aftermath of our sorrow, we still strive to salvage something worthwhile in our lives, living in hope of what is next to come...I like that thought...I wish I were as industrious and dedicated as your spider...she seems to weave out of determination and need; I sometimes feel that we humans continue out of desperation...no hope can be found in looking back, only can it be found in our looking forward of what is next to come, right?] You use your poetic tools well in this one Joanne...vivid imagery and a moving theme. Great job, Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-11-06 19:31:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81250
Hi Joanne, I'm just skimming surfaces tonight ... came across this at #50 on my to-do list (and couldn't resist it)! It's a poem of resilience, with the indomitable spider returning to take up her broken strands and continue her storm-battered existence. Imagery is - as always - wonderfully apt. The personified rain, "squalling her sideways tears", is a vivid entity and "sideways" implies a certain inability to meet challenges (such as grief?) head-on. Flowers are "bent"; pots are "tumbling" without the power to withstand the forces ranged against them. Yet by not resisting, and given in to pressure, they can survive intact. Sometimes, it's best to go with the flow and wait until order has been restored, even if the situation has changed somewhat. How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next. Yes, exactly so. "Leaning" doesn't betray weakness, but acceptance and a certain strength. Heads down, we stride forward and eventually cover the necessary ground, storm or no storm. "Giving up" can be misinterpreted as "quitting" when really, it is only pausing to collect one's inner and outer resources before daring to face the next onslaught. a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web I love those energetic plosives, and the contrasting openness of the "w". There's almost a laughing quality here, a moment of joy that strikes unexpectedly through the gloom. "Prudently" comes next and is perfect to explain why this tiny creature feels compelled to begin anew, almost as soon as the wind has died down. Hesitation would be fatal as she'd have no means of subsistence without a snare for supper. Likewise, the human who waits too long before attempting to deal with personal setbacks is the one who may become overwhelmed as complications pile up, the next one coming before the previous problem has been dealt with. That way lies catastrophe! This is another piece which I interpret to be personal, and rooted in your own bereavement. Yet it's universally relevant and offers a valid message to anyone who has ever become discouraged by adversity, and felt like abandoning the struggle. The tiniest of creatures, your brave spider, is a role model indeed. If she can conquer her discomfort, then so can we! I love this poem. I'm supporting the other one ( ... Hope), because it is absolutely amazing, but this is a gem too. You write with such courage and honesty. Good luck in the final round! Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-11-04 21:14:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.11765
Dear Joanne, Here at the end of the month, I am just trying to get a peek at all the poems that were too popular for me to get a nice long look at earlier. this is a fierce picture. I love it. Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them. So goooooooooooooooooooooood. I wasn't sure of the two word lines in the first stanza but this stanza really works. How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next. I love this stanza too but I am not sure what fierce gestures refres too--spider? flower? pot? And then the spider. Love it. Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-11-01 10:02:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Dear Joanne, You weave the most wonderful word pictures! When I read your writings, I can picture each line! I can in no way match your word knowledge and the way that you use them. I am in awe! Thanks for sharing this wonderful "picture" with the rest of us. Love, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-10-31 10:34:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.21429
Joanne, squalling her sideways tears is really wonderfull. To be picking and leaning might come off better as the leaning it would be parrell structure and a little stronger. Joanne I love this poem the spider in the final stanza is a good touch. I like how the spider looks at the result of all that wind and rain and just starts over. How wonderful. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-10-16 01:08:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Joanne I would have appeared sooner, but my list of poems was chock full, and you my Dear were at the bottom of my list, but I finally made it here, and I welcome the opportunity to comment. First of all motion, the helter skelter of a storm lashing, in you great descriptive use and line structure you capture the intensity of the storm, then your intention leads in a parable for me, the message for this wild life, and wracking of plants comes across very strongly for me. Easily I can picture looking out a wondow that's be cascaded by the rain, power in wind drift, the intensityn causing not just a downward fall, but the intensity is highlighed strongly, with the whipping winds causing slant wise flow, not just rain but the power of Mother nature. The lesson, sometime we have to stand and face that wind (human element troubles), the revaging elemts comes across strongly, we;re test, plants, animals and insects (your spider), the proof of the pidding we just face the onslaught and go on, as Mrs. Spider does. Parable yes, wonderful direction of projection wonderful. It didn't miss Joanne another well written submission in poetic form that all should understand. Yes, we face our troubles and go on...love it of course. Love and Best wishes go your way, and I think of a plate of homemade spaghetti sauce that awaiting us, if ever we come your way, gladly I would take enjoyment in the repast, and have an opportunity to talk to you face to face, uno on uno...Love, Jo

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-13 15:54:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Although I had to read it twice (because the first two verses vexed me).The last two verses brought me out of the darkness--when actually the title is a dead give-away.This whole thing (poem) makes a lot of sense--in spite of all trails and tribulations (the storm)--persevere. Great perception! Keep it up! A new fan!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-10-13 10:32:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Very clean Joanne! This revision is extremely well done. The only word that stopped me was "bobbled" which I associate with fishing equipment, so it took me a moment to re-adjust my thinking. I really don't have anything to comment on otherwise. It's funny, because if I remember the poem well in my emotion mind, I think I like the origional a little better. I don't have the origional in order to compare, but this poem is a very clen and precise presentation. It flows well. Thanks for sharing this, Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-11 16:00:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi there Auntie Joanne! How are you? From the long break of my participation in the link, I miss your poetry and everything that we had before. I was able to come back last month, but I did not get the chance to critique your poetry. I've been excitedly waiting your entries to be at the top of my critiquing list but I did not see them moving up. But of course I read them especially the lunar spoffs! Actually, I became busy with my career after graduation! Anyway, allow me now to try giving you my maybe "trivial" views. SMILE! Alright, I can see how your poem is laconically written. I am excited because I know even if you have a short piece, it would give ample thoughts that I can ponder and enjoy. I am intrigued by the title because I actually have a poem that was titled the same as this "Role Model". It is about my role model in life. But I think this one is not literally speaking to a person who could be your role model but this is more symbolic. In the first strophe I can sense a poignant emotion especially that it mentioned "squalling" and "tears". But the use of personification of the wind gives me an enlivining gesture! In the second stanza, I can see the symbolism of spent flowers. This adds up to the poignant emotion that maybe it's you who is feeling that way. I can think of the event that perhaps caused you to weep and bent in mourning. Is this felt in your real life? By the way, the word "ricocheted" is a vocabulary to me. And when I looked it up it means "rebounded at least once from a surface"! Aha, I can see how appropriate it is to further visualize the spent flowers. In the third stanza, I can see a philosophy in life "to give up of what has been and leaning into what comes next". It means so much to me as I can relate it very well. I also had this sad experience before and at certain point after that sad event, I came up with a realization that it is a wise move to go on to survive! And oh, the last stanza is very dramatic and inspiring! The symbolism of the garden spider weaving once more is very appropriate to associate the philosophy that every man has the tendency to stand up after the stumble or fall and it is a wise act that way! It is by saying "I will survive!" that the hope is glittering and will continue to loom before our very eyes! What a great poem this is! If you can tell me the story behind this poetry, Auntie Joanne! God bless, Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-09 23:02:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Joanne, Everytime I read your poems, I either feel refreshed and relaxed! Your usual nature-inspired poems never fail to provide a “good-feeling” and satisfaction of life…for your words breathe “life” and whispers “unforgettable memories”. I don’t know how you do it, but your choice of words and unique style is very effective to the soul, to the heart. There is a tingling sensation in your writings…a trademark of your craftsmanship! One can say, “Ah…this is one of Joanne’s babies…something you carefully fashion. “This afternoon the rain called to me blowing leaves, squalling her sideways tears.” --- As always, I enjoy dissecting your poems. It made me feel attached to your mind and thoughts. Your introductory lines / words / stanza is perfect! Ear-catching poetic words, “This afternoon” is an attention grabber, such strong word that made readers focus on your message at instant. The entire stanza is dramatically beautiful! Mesmerizing and tempting! The use of “squalling” is appropriately supportive for the word “rain” and “blowing” and I think “tears” too. “Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them.” --- I noticed the rhyming of “spent” and “bent” (though irrelevant). :) I like how the “spent flowers” are associated as one “bent in mourning”. I like the use of the word “ricocheted”. I also like the playfulness of your imageries here! :) “How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next.” --- Wow, “fierce gestures”, never heard that thing before but I like your playfulness here. I also like the depths of your words here, the philosophy of life in general. “Afterward, a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web and prudently began to weave once more.” --- I like the simple images of daily life and of nature yet you always let those simplicity into a striking scenario. Your child-like observation in the beauty of life is very much evident! And for me this is very amusing and entertaining! In your pen, scary creatures (to some) like spiders turned out to be a delight to behold. Only you can do this! :) The only thing that disturbs me is the title “Role Model”…I think. I can’t get what’s the meaning and relevant of it to the message. I kinda feel uncomfortable plus a bit flat. I like your long titles the most…that are very dramatic and poetic (the likes of: “Splendor In The Pages Of A Book”, “When Small Frogs Seem To Disappear”, “When Trees In Fall Begin To Spill Their Colors”, “Between The Wind And The Song Of Calling Geese”. I find it exquisite and effective, ear-catching too. My mind can’t suggest right now for the title, I think you are very good in this, so I will leave it to you. :) Kudos on your fine work here Joanne! Again, this is very masterful! Overall, skillfully done! Nothing I can add more, what can I only say that for sure…this is another top-notch! For me, definitely a winner! Continue to write such fine piece like this! Thanks for another treat Joanne! :) P.S. In response to your previous poem “When Small Frogs Seem To Disappear”, yes I like the additional adlibs “Blink!”, “Sing!“, "Leap!", "Croak!", the pauses it brings add spice and flavor to your already interesting poem. I like the exclamatory points! Sorry for my late reply. :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-09 12:42:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.00000
Hi Joanne. This piece is quite thought provoking for this reader. I find the idea of learning from the examples nature gives us inspiring. Hence, nice title. The "Afternoon Rain" as a person, using leaves like kleenix is a thought that made me chuckle. She really lets loose, holding nothing back. Her fury is made known. A kind of spirit cleansing, if you will. The imagry here is excellent. I can see the rain coming down hard at an angle. You might even want to sharpen the image slightly in the first stanza just by starting out with the wording of Afternoon rain. Just a thought. In the second stanza the cycle of life comes through here very well. This fits in to the fall theme on the link lately. Again the imagry is wonderful with the spent flowers bent in mourning. The phrasing is exquisite. The personification of the flowers is profound. And what happens next is part of the cycle of life. The giving up of what has been--sometiems thats a hard one. Clinging to what has been is sometimes easier but not truly very comforting either. The letting go is hard but necesary if one is to move on. In the letting go comes a hope for tomorrow that can not be fully realized or appreciated with out the acceptence of the loss. The simple, clear wording of this in your third stanza is stunning. It brings this reader to a definate pinnacle of thinking. And last but not least, life goes on, if you will, as witnessed by the spider, who diligently starts mending his web in hopes of a new beginning. This is a life affirming poem and I think it represents a victory as well. Thank you much for sharing this lovely poem, Joanne. Blessings and know you have been in my prayers recently, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-09 09:20:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne I see this poem as nature and a visual of during and after a storm. You bring back the memories of such storms to this reader. I see the slant of the rain, I see the wind moving objects not sturdy enough to withhold the fury, and finally I see life go on after the storm. Yes life's web allows us to continue on. Beautifully done and the visual was created. Both nature and life's rebound are protrayed. The format is easy for the reader to follow and the words easily understood. Well done as always. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-09 08:50:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Love the title Role Model...............We, as humans certainly can learn much from nature if we only took the time to sit back, relax and enjoy the beauty of what is around is......Even the wind, rain, snow, sleet, hair, thunder, lightening, and major storms bring forth lessons to beheld and learnt....and those little creatures of the earth, worms, ants, spiders, chippies, squirrels, etc., they too know more then we at times.... This afternoon the rain called to me blowing leaves, squalling her sideways tears. The rain is such a powerful thing and when you stop to think about it a light rainfall is relaxing, refreshing, feeds the earth, causes no problems for anyone other then the job it was intended to do and then we have a heavier rain like the one that perhaps called to you this afternoon, blowing leaves off the trees as it touched bases to and from , squalling her sideways tears.....what a lovely choice of words my dear friend.... Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them. Is it not sad and heartbreaking this time of the year to see those beautiful summer and fall flowers dry up and wither away and just one heavy rainfall will over take them causing them to say goodbye till yet another season in which most of them will return. We suffered our first frost the other night and until them I had flowers surrounding the statue I have in my flower garden of Our Lady and she looked radiantly beautiful covered in those pink and white petals.....and come morning light she was stark named of them but she herself remained beautiful.....I need to gather her up, wash her off from the dirt of the seasons already passed and bring her in for the winter months.......therefore she will survive for many years to come and remain as beautiful as the day she was brought to me. It is no wonder then in your second stanza that the flowers, still in their pots thought, with the lack of weight from whatever they are missing would just give into the storm and turn yet another leaf for lack of posture within them.....I can see it now as the pots are so much lighter and with gusty winds they do then just go with the flow of things....I have loss a few myself but you know what amazes me at this time of the year I have lilies frowing that I planted earlier from gifts mom received at Easter time and actually I removed most of them again but they have all grown from little seeds which might have been left within the dirt itself and for now six of them stand tall in the flower garden and two are ready to open up in bloom.....now, after a frost and rain all week that certainly will be a sight to behold...... How fierce those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next. The above stanza reminds me of life......can we not all learn from nature? Indeed and a lesson that does not cause pain nor sorrow if learnt right for life is just that....one lesson after another....the good which might be followed by the bad but still each a lesson in its own right. Last night I received an e-mail from a friend who was told after a mamogram the need to talk about the results......her doctor told her over the phone which I found a bit tactless but still it happened.......they found a mass...not a lump but a mass which covered the size of two match covers.....good size if you ask me.....it was or is in her left boobie.....she is seeing a surgeon on Wednesday to discuss her options.....she lost her control, which I believe she has a right to.....I told her I would go with her if she wanted my strength or help in any way. Though I told her she had to keep a positive attitude for it is our attitudes which makes us all survivors. We need to go with the flow of life and what is dealth in between but we can fight and not wither life away like a potted plant perhaps,,,,,,we need not tumble in the storms but flourish and survive....To see what then comes next..... Afterward, a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web and prudently began to weave once more. In closing my friend I have seen the strength over and over again of those spiders that might get bobbled in the rain yet hang tightly to their web and never fall off or die away.......and yes, once the rain stops they begin immediately to weave once more...... Love the way you have taken nature and entertwined it with life.........we are all part of the creation around us and just because we stand on two legs to walk at times does not make us any richer then the creatures of the earth for we are all created by God.......we are all survivors from one point of view to another..... Thank you forposting this it has been a lovely read, well structured, great word flow, allows each reader to see and feel what they might within the lines. At this time of my life I feel life needs to be treasured for there are so many that are ill and just letting go having felt the fight too much to handle but then there are those that are willing to hang on one more time and see what road is next to travel...... Be safe my friend, God Bless, Claire

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