This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-10-09 17:03:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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After the Storm

Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling  sideways tears. Spent flowers  bent in mourning ricochet off the porch, pots tumble-- no sturdiness  left in them. How free  these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next. Afterward, a gleaming garden spider bobbles in her web and wisely  begins to weave anew.

Copyright © October 2003 Joanne M Uppendahl

Additional Notes:
Revision of "Role Model."

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-11-07 12:26:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89474
Penelope in the garden. Yes..we build and build anew. Another fine lesson in living beautifully crafted. Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears. love that image of sideways tears Spent flowers bent in mourning[wonderful] ricochet off the porch, pots tumble-- no sturdiness left in them. [as we all sometimes feel, yes] How free these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what ]perhaps -what will be?" for the parallism?. Afterward, a gleaming garden spider bobbles in her web and [wisely I think the adjective"wisely' explains too much - just let the action speak] begins to weave anew. Yes -- we go one -= we do go on Thank you Joanne.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-11-04 18:53:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.34783
Joanne, this title is better. I am being picky again and I cant remember if this was in the first version and it just didn't bother me as much or if this is new but here goes wisely begins to weave anew. I love begins to weave anew it is the wisely that bothers me for one thing if you characterize the action it limits how I can characterize it it also is not quite preachy but... I would not even mention this to a lesser poet but I know you stretch for perfection and you come so close. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-11-01 10:04:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Dear Joanne, I am not sure why you needed the revision, but this one stands worthy in it's own right. I liked them both, just critiqued Role Model. As for the spider, may we all take lessons and Never, Never give up! Love, Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-10-16 16:24:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Joanne, The small quality of movement is more then apparent in your fine use of descriptives, as I alreay critiqued the other version, my thoughts don't waver in admiration. I know you are an artistic that is always ready to revise, and regardless of version, I'm still drawn to the movement, the brutal rainfall, slashing sideways, nothing escapes its wrath. You more then string words together, you create an ambiance of unbelieveable reality that allows the reader to see it the minds eye, the lashing out, the flowers bent in suppliation, the pot crashing to the deck. Yet the message is still clear as it applies to us mre mortals, we to shall be tested, and we shall also go on as Mrs. Spider does. Man has proven the sustained ability to overcome odds, we do it every day, I do like the parrarel, is Gods creations free of these ravages, no, are we as your topic used as a vechile any different, we survie the storm and go on. That was more then proven by the resolve of ancient one, and midevil times, the scourges that ravaged mankind, the survival the same for both, flora and fauna, as it is for man (woman). No the message is blilliantly illustrrated in this admiral crafting of poetic projection. Of course I may be biased, I like evrything you write, and as a gut critiquer you allow me to be empowered to comment freely, I like that a lot. Love and best wishes always, Joa
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-14 22:09:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.80000
Joanne--I see a subtle changes to your revision, which improved it (if that is possible), the format lends itself to a great ebb and rhythm. however, I still contend that analogies can be drawn between this bad weather and life experiences. Some of the damages done will require human assistance to rebuild, while other can be done by mother nature (the spider re-webbing). Good rewrite! Best regards! TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul R Lindenmeyer On Date: 2003-10-14 11:40:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Joanne, wonderful vignette of autumn with subtle messages about continuation and preparation. The sparse verbiage, especially the third stanza, says much more than the words. Always a treat to read your work. Keep it coming. Peace, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-10-13 22:50:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
J-Anne, These two versions are a glimp into the working of your mind. And what a mind it is. Whew! Where to start? Well, how 'bout the beginning? Two titles. "Role Model" and "After The Storm" Now at first reading each title has its strengths. I battled back and forth, over and under, until it finally sunk in...they are the SAME TITLE!!! All the storms you have endured, looking for solace, struggling for meaning, leaning into what comes next. After that seemingly meaningless tumultuous storms you find that you are your own role model. The rain calls to you and this time you listen. This time it shows you your aftermath. All that has held and sustained you is out of strength. You have to let go of certain visions to make room for the new guiding ones. You have to lean into the world. You have to become your own source of strength. I love the phrase, "gleaming garden spider" and power of the your vision in the weaving of the web. You absolutely astound me. I much prefer the version in the present tense. It is immediate, it is now, it is sustaining, it leans into the future. This work not only confirms your inner strength, it serves as a role model for those who wonder aloud to themselves if they can survive it all. It shows us that our storms are the measure of the thing. We must more than just survive, we must endure. What a soul forging work. Rick
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-12 20:55:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Dear Auntie Joanne, I am thrilled when I knew that your previous submission "Role Model" was revised. So, I hurried and took this from the bottom of of my critiquing list. I am just curious how the revision would go! First of all, it is sad to note that this one is motivated by a sad story, the death of your son. I did not know it until I read your reply. But it is inspiring to note that this signifies a commemoration that can replinish your miss of him and also this denotes your acceptance as you told in your third stanza: "the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next." I also smiled when I read your message saying that God gives us the ability to see a message in His Creation: His infinite love for all of life, though the external things, like storms, and tiny animals serving as food for larger ones may look harsh. And that you recognized that everything that happens in this word has its meaning and purpose....that somehow you learn to accept the death of your son with your total submission to God. I believe he is happy right now with all your prayers and he is seeing God in His glory. So much for that! The first revision you made is the title. I could say that the impact is more strong when you have "After the Storm". It makes me realize that there is hope and gladness after the storm. The tense is what you changed in the first stanza, the changing of "afternoon" to "today" and transforming the verb into present tense. It makes the emotion felt deeply and the personification of the wind is more tangible! In the third stanza, you have deleted "posture of". This makes a more simplified and nicer flow. The insertion of the comma and the word article "the" also makes a remarkablly good point. I can feel the influx of the idea can caught more attention. Lastly, the association of the adjective "gleaming" makes the image more concrete and oh, it creates a wonderful alliteration of the "g" sound! It seems to add up the idea of light or hope! What is the significance of changing "prudently" to "wisely"?....Let me think....Isn't that "wisely" is more supreme and more reverent? I think so! Love to see the revisions! The previous version already stands strong but this is more fortified and flawless! SMILE!!! God bless and take care, Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2003-10-12 19:31:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi JOanne, I read "Role Model" also, but will critique "AFterThe Storm" rather than both of them. I am wondering what made you decide to change the last verse of this poem.. I go with my feelings rather than analyze them always.. and they were on this one that I preferred the "Role Model" last verse...which is not to say the revision is not also excellent..I did note the change in tenses..from past to the latter..which added more consistency. "Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears. Spent flowers bent in mourning ricochet off the porch, pots tumble-- no sturdiness left in them. It has been raining here the past couple of days(nearly a week in fact) and I identified at once with that early fall feeling in the air these first rainy cool days bring. Your descriptives, as usual, are excellently executed beginning so simply, continuing in short little blasts of beautiful phrases. So perfectly capturing the essence of this rainy, fall day... How free these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next Then to follow-up with what these observations represent to you..The way that nature works..a natural tendency to flow from what has been ..then leaning into what comes essence the sun will most likely come out again and life goes on ...only you say it so wonderfully..and to end with the wet spider and the "continuity" that lies in that bobbling spider's beginning to weave her web again..I have the same thought when I absently knock down what must be a long night's work for some spider and watch it begin to reweave almost immediately.. This is a very reassuring and comforting and healing sort of poem..It gives the reader renewed hope..whether the sudden storm represents a deeper meaning or "loss" or is just what it is nice to know that the instinct to "reweave" lies within us--just as the spider.. and it is "wisdom" to acknowledge that even on a grander scale we must give up what "has been" and lean into what "comes next"...LOL.......loved this one!!!!!............drenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-09 23:25:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Joanne, I like the new revision, it is more clean and grammatical correct. Plus, more readable and friendly to comprehension. But best of all is the title, I like the title most! Now, it is appropriate and with sense. "After The Storm" is the perfect is full of hope and new life. The additional adjectives "gleaming" and "wisely" for the spider adds the suitable mood. And the word "anew"...for me is victorious for the "After The Storm" title. Kudos on this! You just did the right thing of perfecting the poem. Two-thumbs up! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-10-09 19:57:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Another lovely poem, Joanne. The imagery is very clear and creative. "Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears." The rain is almost personified, but what truly stopped me short, was the image of the rain squalling sideways tears. What a wonderful picture! The images of the flowers and the pots bring more vivid reality to the scene, then: "How free these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next." Now comes the richness of the thoughts that give meaning to the scene. This is what the cycle of life is all about. The letting go of the past and the excitement and eagerness of looking toward the future. "leaning into" the future is an inspired phrase. Completing the cycle, the spider begins to weave her web again. There is a masterful evocation of many myths and archetypes in this last stanza, that raises this poem above the ordinary for me. Clarissa Pinkola Estess would be dancing to the spirit of this poem! (I hope I spelled Clarissa's name properly!) Thank you, Joanne. This one is a joy to me. Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-09 19:31:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
This afternoon the rain called to me blowing leaves, squalling her sideways tears. Today the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears. Looking at the two opening stanzas from the original to the revised one I have to say the second reads stronger in feelings and emotions.....Today.......the rain calls to me, blowing leaves, squalling sideways tears.....we feel the loss of today and yesterday as well within those tears that are falling along with the rain but in reality they are both a release to what lies within and perhaps a healing process once again begins...... Spent flowers bent in mourning ricocheted off the porch, pots tumbling-- no posture of sturdiness left in them. Spent flowers bent in mourning ricochet off the porch, pots tumble-- no sturdiness left in them. just a few minor changes within this stanza but still enough to make a sizeable difference within the lines and the read.....again, well done allowing further emotions to burst forth......mourning these flowers are and even though you do not state for what we know they are mourning still the loss of your son and thus this is good you are allowing these mourning flowers to tumble and fall off the porch since the sturdiness has left them.......thus your love remains strong and true to your son and your feelings shall always be you are showing this reader that you are now able to begin to let go and in doing so you are allowing him the freedom he needs to continue his own personal journey through eternity for there is no greater love then the releasing of one's child back to is hard, not something any of us want to do in our lifetime but you are in the process of acceptance....... At least this is what I am feeling poet......and it is felt deep within my own soul. How free these fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been, the leaning into what comes next. How free those fierce gestures, the giving up of what has been and leaning into what comes next. I am pleased that not one word was changed within this stanza for it was are free and your gestures are freeing you even can not only read that you are giving up of what has been but you are giving it up with your entire being.....heart, soul, love of child and love of live within your being.....and now you are ready my friend to lean into what comes next and believe me it is going to be a journey you shall not forget........ Afterward, a garden spider bobbled wetly in her web and prudently began to weave once more. Afterward, a gleaming garden spider bobbles in her web and wisely begins to weave anew. In closing you have taken the wise spider and her web that has held tight throughout the storms of life that you have travelled and once again her web is begun as she weaves more and more to it......the wise spider has shown you life is good, live it to the fullest and you have taken note. You know I enjoyed the original poem and this one has filled me with deeper emotions for once I read the first and felt the emotions there this one brought forth a burst of more of you....more of the relationship you are letting go in a sense of the word, the use of the storm, the flowers, nature, of which we are all a part of is terrific in itself........I was surprised to find the revised poem on the bottom of my list but I jumped to it immediately for I love your work........was your son a writer my friend? If not I tend to think he might have made a good one if he paint him with such flare at times, a joy to your heart forever. Thank you for posting and for sharing with us.....again, be safe and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-09 18:30:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Well Hello again, Joanne. I glad I noticed this because I definately want to comment on your changes. "After the Storm" is an even more apt title. I liked "Role Model" also, because it caused me meditate over the poem earlier today when I read it for the first time. It was intriguing to me. I had to find out why you named it "Role Model". The new title is a no-brainer. The first thing I notice about the revision is the flow. It rolls of the tounge delightfully and is pleasing to the ear when read aloud. You have wasted no words with this one. I believe you used Sandras' exercise didn't you? The one where we tried to skinny down our poems? It worked quite well with this particular poem! In stanza one you replaced "This afternoon" with Today and removed "her". Both good moves from the standpoint of flow. The change from past tense to present is nicely done. I do notice that stanza two says: "Spent flowers bent in mourning" I am wondering if you might even want to change to "Spent flowers {bend}in mourning". Just a thought. Removing "posture of" also helps the flow and gives it a nice clean crispness. Removing "and" in stanza three--good move for conserving words and again crisping up. The change in Stanza four: gleaning garden spider-nice touch-good "g" repetision Then taking "prudently" out and using "wisely begins to weave anew"--wow that brightens up the whole image! This just makes the ending so much more visually pleasing. You really dazzled us with this revision, Joanne. And your main theme is much clearer in the process. Nice job! Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-09 17:22:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Joanne I like the change in Title it helps this reader relate better. You pared it down and that also enhances the poem. I especially like the change to anew from once more and the use of wisely versus prudent. I also noticed how you made your stanza's uniform now the structure is complete. Again well done really like your changes for it has made it more consistent for the reader. Thanks again. Tom
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