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This Poem was Submitted By: Valene L Johnson On Date: 2004-04-17 05:40:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Haiku:Glory

a whisper of light strike heart with trumpets blaring the love of my Lord!

Additional Notes:
i submitted a little mistake the first time. sorry

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-05-04 20:00:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Beautiful, Valene, There is a feeling of exploding joy in this senyru or haiku. (I hope I spelled that correctly!) I'm not sure which catagory this poem fits into. The poem fits the form of both in part. The imagery is good, and there is a slight twist in the last line. The syllable count is correct. I read your note, and wondered why you said you were sorry for a "mistake". Mistakes are the tools we use to learn through. I need mine, and I hate to tell you how many typo's, missed meters, reversed iambics etc I have posted here. I just posted a poem last week with the title misspelled. I don't feel bad, as I need those things to be corrected so I can get it right when I write for a contest or placement in a paper or journal. The thing is, you can write! So keep on submitting so I can read more! Rene Fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-30 03:51:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Hi Valene Nice how you've caught a moment where a minor occurence, "a whisper of light", ignites your heart into tumultuous adoration. A small step from the simple to the sublime. Alliteration works well here. I stumbled a little on "strike heart with trumpets blaring" only because my grammatical sense seemed to want to hear "strikes heart". But this is of course your call. Overall, you've captured a lovely moment of ephiphany. Warm regards, Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-18 22:52:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Hi Valene, Welcome to TPL! It’s always nice to see new names popping on the site. I hope you’re enjoying and learning a lot as I am also with these guys. This is a wonderful haiku and a wonderful dedication to God in declaring your faith! I find the haiku praise-like and at the same time worshipful. It captures the “silent message” of the movie “Passion” yet it speaks loud in abundance victory. You have poured out your whole “heart” in these lines. I also like the contrasting words between “whisper” and “trumpets” – cleverly done! This is an amazing and reflective piece! Your proud and honest sentiments radiate in clear words. Thanks for posting this for our meditation. Thanks for the reminder and for the inspiration. Very effective! As always, Erzahl :) Note: I’m glad you fixed the misspelled “stike” to “strike”. Now, this is perfect!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-18 01:20:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Valene--This Japanese verse is correct in format (5-7-5 syllables/three lines), however, it is actually/technically a Senryu (based human nature). Haiku is a simple scene taken from 'nature' with concise verbiage used to convey strong feelings about it. Metaphoric language used create vivid imagery of manifested feelings felt by a personal revealation of the speaker. The slight misnomer does not distract from your profund sentiments which are obviously heartfelt. Thanks for sharing such a pious piece on the heels of Easter. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-17 19:21:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82222
Welcome to TPL, Valene. I certainly hope you enjoy it here. We are a pretty happy and helpful bunch. Some are a little tougher when critiquing than others, myself included. I never intend anything except to aid others, and sometimes I, being human, make a mistake, too. :>) Anyway, on to the task at hand. Although there are many forms and variations in the world of haiku now, especially in the West, I think most agree that haiku are supposed to have a seasonal reference, and a moment captured as briefly as possible. It is also common to want to leave out as many articles and pronouns as possible, using only absolutely essential ones. The syllable count can vary, but the total should remain under seventeen in English, with a short-long-short style. Usually, metaphors and similes are a no-no, as is personification. Haiku should relay what the poet saw, and not tell the reader what to feel, but let him/her feel from the image described. I am rambling, aren't I? In your poem, I am inclined to think it more like a senryu than haiku because of the lack of season and the personal/human tone as well as the theological reference. Even then, I'd tinker with it a little, maybe. a whisper of light strike heart with trumpets blaring - [This seems to lack clarity, or something. "strike heart"?] the love of my Lord! Do you mean "[my] heart" or the heart of something else? And, could "with" be left out of this line? The 3rd line would be much more concise as: "my Lord's love". Maybe: whispers of light touch my heart, trumpets blare my Lord's love Only a suggestion. I do not intend to re-write anyone's poem for them. I just did this to see if this was the intended scene. Thanks for joining us, and I hope I wasn't too tough for a first go-around. I intend to never discourage anyone. Please write more, maybe we will both learn from our relationship. I wish you happiness, peace. Wayne - [one of the toughest on technicalities I think you'll find here]

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-04-17 16:24:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Valene, Thanks for submitting the rewrite. I enjoy haiku and enjoy reading it. I didn't use to, but Erzahl has certainly shown me the beauty of it. Thanks for sharing, Sherri

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