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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-10 17:00:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Wish I Could Write A Sonnet

If only I could write a sonnet An aria of my love for you Alas I am ne'er a bard nor a poet I wish to rhyme of frolics on winsome Grasses in a misty cloven glen Moonlight romps, sips of nectared wine, Rich exuberance in wandering glints of sunshine, Lolling aside a silver stream bathing our lips In sheer waters, drowse in whiffs of cowslips. Why can I not pen of these things With a flourish of my quill and ink set? I possess passion that stirs and kindles Yearns to be limned with shades of violet If only I could write for you a sonnet

Additional Notes:
my first attempt at writing a sonnet...all nits are welcome.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-06-07 22:18:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, Ha…ha…ha…this is so funny and super clever! You wish to write a sonnet yet it is so obvious that your lyrical talent radiates within this piece! I think if you are a good poet, whatever structure you wrote, you will excel! For me, you surpass excellence! This is perfect! It is like water, whatever the container is, it is still liquid, its just that its in different forms. Keep on flowing Marilyn! You are born to be a poet of inspiration, of song, of praises and of life. For a first time, for a try…this is a beauty! I find the rhyming, the beating, the choice of words…outstanding! I can feel the blend of harmony. Everything in it, I enjoyed! From “aria” to “Alas”, to “Moonlight romps”, to “nectared wine”, to “Lolling aside”, to “whiffs of cowslips”, to “quill”, to “kindles”, to “violet”, these are all lovely and colorful! How do you choose your words? There is always magic! Again, the title “I Wish I Could Write A Sonnet” adds beauty and humor to this rare piece! Thanks for the wonderful treat! Don’t you ever get tired showering us with your gems! For I’ll keep on catching it! What a beautiful day! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-06-01 16:05:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75758
Well, Marilyn this is a good first attempt it is not a traditional sonnet form as it does not follow the traditional rhyme schemes of aabb ccdd eeff gg, or abab cdcd efef gg and the meter is not iambic pentameter or even regular. However, it is a fourteen line poem and it does cover subject matter traditionally talked about in sonnets so it works for me. I do think if you do rewrites you might want to even up the meter. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-05-31 21:35:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, I don't know if this a sonnet or not, but I do know that it sets a playful mood and it is easy to read. Something that I can enjoy and understand without taxing my poor brain! Thanks for sharing, hopefully this is what you want it to be, if not it still brightened my day. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-05-17 13:42:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Mom, Well you know that I have no expertise when it comes to the technical side of critiquing. What I can say is that, once again, you have caressed our senses with the lovely images you described. I love 'winsome grasses', 'misty cloven glen', 'wandering glints of sunshine', and 'drowse in whiffs of cowslips' (my favorite. Where do you come up with this stuff? It is wonderful, soothing and calming. Whether or not it is a sonnet, I cannot say, but I can tell you that it certainly conveys the writer's desire to share deep emotions and intimacy. And, I am sure that the recipient of such a love poem would comment less on the style than the substance. You inspire me. Love, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-05-17 04:44:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Marilyn, Oh, likewise, I've yearning to write a sonnet but I was not able to come up with one yet. I don't know it has been hard for me. Good for you, you did! And it is best! Congratulations! Sincerely, I admire this one. I have been reading Mark Steven's sonnets and I really feel it is hard to do it with the form and rhyming constraints. "If only I could write a sonnet An aria of my love for you" Yes a sonnet is a good medium of expressing love. And yours is just an inspiring dedication. How I wish I had written this to dedicate to my girl friend! Hehe! The poem is adorned with alliterations and assonances that serve as the sound in the poem. The rhyming is not quite solid but it works for me. Why can I not pen of these things With a flourish of my quill and ink set? You don't ask this question anymore because you did already. As for me, how long would I wait to answer the question? Thanks for sharing, Marilyn. I am envious of you! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-05-10 22:33:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Marilyn–Separately these are fireballs that pierce the heart and sear the skin, especially, “...An aria of my love for you.”; “...lolling aside a silver stream bathing our lips () in sheer waters (the room became warm), drowse in whiffs of cowslips.”; “I possess passion that stirs and kindles” (that’s when I turned on the fan). My favorite; “...frolics on winsome grasses in a misty cloven glen; Moonlight romps, sips of nectared wine,” (yea, I hurt my knees once-smile) Now the “nits” (and only options): colon after sonnet in line #1; comma after glen in line #5 (items in a series and you did use commas for others); colon after kindles in line #12. On the other hand, these enjambments could have been left this way on purpose (only the speaker knows the reasoning). This is poetic language in great splendor: a rare and fresh collection of descriptors that present something for each of the senses to partake of. Surely, a poem of address directed to that alleged unattainable genre. Did you feel that? That my friend was the posting of a sonneteer (and don’t you forget it). TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-05-10 20:17:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Marilyn, A tried and true format, saying you can't as you do! I enjoyed this, particularly the nature imagery. The 14 line modern sonnet. I think it's a fine beginning. For better to be yourself than a immitation Donne or Shakespeare! I really don't see where it needs change, Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-10 19:40:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Dear Marilyn First a little praise: you've got the right number of lines, 14. Now some gentle nits: First: a sonnet (generally) requires iambic pentameter. The only line here that (almost!) does it is "I wish to rhyme of frolics on winsome", but even then (and here's a REAL nit!) the rhythm still stumbles around "frolics on winsome". Second: rhyming scheme. There are several available, the choice of which one though comes down to how much of a purist you are. Though you do have your moments, you haven't used one!! Fundamentally, no line should remain unrhymed, but you have several. For instance... One possible rhyming scheme is ABAB CDCD EFEF GG, another ABBA CDDC EFFE GG. I'm sure you get the idea. What you have, however, is: ABAX XCCD DXEX EE, where X denotes an unrhymed line. You gotta change that!! Okay, now that a couple of technical bits are out of the way ... A final burst of praise... All your ideas and images here are delightful, and read as though they would only be intensified by reworking into a more formal sonnet scheme. It is nice stuff!! The question you pose is one I'm sure all of us ask: "How can I, sad hack that I am, put what I feel about you into words that match and convey the beauty of it all?" A beautiful theme for a sonnet. Now ... Go to it!!!! With very best wishes Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-05-10 19:08:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Hi Marilyn--well, I'm the wrong person to tell you if this is a sonnet or not--I can just barely understand the rules myself. It would be the blind leading the blind. Before I start, though (leading you I know not where--teehee) What's a "nit"---is it perchance the front half of picking? If so, here I go--if not, clue me in! This is just beautiful writing and the passion really stirs me. I can feel you just wanting to turn those winsome grasses into something we can feel with our bare feet and smell with our noses. If you ask me, a passion for something is 9/10ths of it. Your misty cloven glen is an example of your wanting us to see through your eyes. And I do see it, and I feel it, and more important, I can almost hear the breathing of the poet. Moonlight romps and sips of nectared wine--wandering glints of sunshine (that's beautiful) Lolling aside a silver stream--we can hear the water "bathing our lips" never heard anything like that before. That inspiration is welling and overflowing in this poem. Sheer waters? whiffs of cowslips--that's where part of the fragrance comes from. You know what, Marilyn--I think I would leave out "Why can I not pen of these things?" because you just did pen of them wonderfully, and you go on to "pen" them after that--I truly love your quill and ink set--it brings in the Shakespeareaneankl;hkl; (however you spell him) era, and I love it esp. since we ALL use computers--and there you are with your quill! Have you checked your inkwell lately? No, just kidding. Yearns to be limned with shades of violet--you see what I mean? Yearns tells us more about the passions that strive. You've really put that across in this poem. Now, it would my suggestion to keep your last line--it ties front to back, as it were. And is held together by your sincere yearning. (was that a nit?--was it even close?) I'm not going to rest until I find out. Lovely, lovely piece! Marcia

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