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This Poem was Submitted By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-13 18:51:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly Peace, love, joy remains

Additional Notes:
This was my response to Erzahl's "Old Age" and he asked me to post it here.......my first attempt at this form of poetry. Be gentle with me but honest please.......God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-10-07 20:02:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Hi Claire - you know me - I am always honest! When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly Peace, love, joy remains This has elements of haiku and seynru in that it followed the haiku format but it seems to be about a person and the conclusions about the person are subjective and observed. Lovely sentiment and beautiful piece. When wrinkles are joined [joined how? Together? this is a little obtuse for me] The second stanza is lovely and the third is a nice conclusion and makes the requisite jump in meanning demanded of this form of poetry. The part I love best is the way you use the word "joined" in the first line and "joy" in the last - which on a linguistic level is wonderful even though I am a little confused about the meaning of the first line. All in all a wonderful first effort! Keep it up Best Rachel

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 15:55:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41304
Claire in your first line it is hard for me to picture wrinkles joining but understand the anology regarding age. The eyes in your second line show me nothing changes for the twikle is still prevelent within them this is very well done. Then you make the statement that is the heart of the Haiku and that is we still have their joy, love, and sense of peace they transmit. Just some thoughts on your Haiku that maintains the structure and format. Well done. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-30 10:26:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I would change/add/or suggest absolutly nothing for this piece. This captures the true essence of love. Nice 5/7/5 form. "When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly" The love and beauty behind the age of a lifes experience. And the last line a beautiful in its simplicity "Peace, love, joy remains" Very reminiscent of a love shared by two throughout the years of a lifetime together. Thank you for sharing this one. Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-25 17:28:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Dear Claire, The opening lines are a lovely contemplation When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly Think if the last lone returned to a concrete natural image rather that abstract ideas you would have a real gem here. what image can capture you ideas? Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-22 13:04:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Claire, I scrooled down my list just to see who was out there and I found you! I am just so pleased that you are writing again and don't care where you are on my list I needed to respond! Your first time out in ever so long and you write a haiku...wonderful. You have stayed within the guideline...this comes from a novice you know....and the message is just great. I love "when wrinkles are joined" what a lovely way to describe a frown or laugh. I heard someone say the other day that the cheapest face lift in the world is a smile...isn't that the truth? ..."your eyes still shining brightly" now the reader knows the joined wrinkles are making a beautiful smile...."peace, love, joy, remains" This whole haiku lends a feeling of softness and tenderness which are two emotions that are always welcomed. In haiku I think the caps on the first word of each line is not necessary but it certainly does not detract from the words or the message. Great job...keep it up! Love and peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-09-16 08:48:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Claire, I will be as gentle as your very precious smile here. What a wonderful image of aging. I see your mother and you on one of your daily errands. I am drinking in the possibilities of your conversation with eachother. I am smiling back at thie 5-7-5 haiku. The twinkling of eyes when the wrinkles join is a precious image. I makes me miss my grandmother and mother. I thank you for this Kodac snap shot of joyous memories. Claire, I am still grinning and enjoying my wrinkles joining. A very nice vision and read.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-15 03:20:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Claire, "When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly Peace, love, joy remains" --- I'm glad you posted this Claire. I'm just reposting also my early comment about your poem for it almost says what I intended: "Oh, I love it very very much Claire! There are so much to say in this limited format but you were able to surpass the constrant perimeters of haiku/senryu. You given a new flavor of this subject "Old Age", and I didn't see it coming! Very much enjoyed! Not just I like it, I also like it for you to post it here in September. I wouldn't mind if your subject and message have the same with mine for you have such a different beauty to share. For an attempt to create a haiku/senryu like this, this is exemptionally a fine piece. I'm proud of you! Just a little grammar correction, I am still not sure if it works better with "remains" or "remain". Oh, I think "remain" works because you have more than one subject (the "peace", "love" and "joy"). Forget my suggestion, this is so perfect!" "The wrinkles are joined" --- I like the vision on how this "proud lines" are being connection through time. "Your eyes still shining brightly" --- And still see the unconditional satisfaction behind these lines... "Peace, love, joy remains" --- You summarized the beauty of "contentment in life" and "gratefulness of blessings" within this line. Kudos on your fine work here Claire! This is an exemptional first attempt! Thanks for posting this for our enjoyment! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-09-14 00:01:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
So good to see you submitting, Claire! I like this Haiku alot. You have the 5-7-5 format down perfect. This tells us we don't have to be ugly even though we're old. What a nice thought! I can't thank you enough for that. lol This is a reassuring message. I especially like the love , peace and joy part. This is an excellent first effort. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2003-09-13 23:18:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Claire! For a first attempt at Haikus, I must commend you for the effort. When I first tried writing a haiku, I ended up pinching my skin. You have done well to highlight the theme of your poem, which is one of transiting the days of youth to the days of old age. The haiku, in its small space, speaks of the fact that age can wear down the skin and anything else that is external but loses its influence in matters of the heart and mind. As you correctly put it ‘peace, love, joy remains’. Nice work, Claire. Keep attempting this form of poetry. It is a real challenge and fun (sometimes). Perhaps the next time, you could try one with color( red apples) or movement (bird’s flight). I still remember your poem ‘red apple farm’. Duane.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-09-13 19:54:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
When Wrinkles are joined....5 syllables Your eyes still shining brightly....7 syll. Peace, love, joy remains....5 syllables A delightful portrait of aging gracefully. succinct hiaku style. each word is a heavyweight here and must count Try to avoid the "is" verb form to give more punch...ie when wrinkles "knot",join the third line reminds me of scripture I Corinthians
..at the end where it says faith, hope charity remain.... Good first haiku...its a fun, but demanding form...my last PTL submission is a sequence of them.

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