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This Poem was Submitted By: carole j mennie On Date: 2003-09-21 13:01:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Perfumery (Tanka)

Old stripe lumbers forth from dense forest greenery. His mild, brown-eyed gaze and chunky midriff conceal an odoriferous gift.

Additional Notes:
My first attempt at a tanka!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-07 23:04:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76000
Hi Carole, It’s nice to see poets trying different styles and formats to expand their craft and knowledge. For me your perfect 5-7-5-7-7 tanka is playful and witty in nature. In the first two lines, you described the surrounding in such solid imagery. I’m guessing a “skunk” for the “brown-eyed” creature you described here giving its “concealed” “odoriferous gift”. Gee, before I let readers guess the haikus and senryus I submit…now I know how it is hard to guess the subject. I just hope I got this right! Kudos on your mind-boggling entry Carole! Your choice of words are perfect and appropriate! What an achievement for your first attempt of tanka. Maybe one of these days, I would try tanka too! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 21:45:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45098
Enjoyed your presentation within this Tanka. You kept it within the standards and did not have rhyme within it. Your selection of words was great as I see this skunk so well in my view. Love how you used odoriferous for five syllables and understand your use of gift but would have liked it to represent sarchasim with use of punctuation and believe me that is unusual for me to say since I do not like punctuation at the end of lines. Great attempt at Tanka and you succeeded. Well done. Thanks. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-10-01 22:44:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23529
Carole, I really love this picture of the beloved Pepe La Pew! The 5-7-5-7-5 format seems intact. I enjoyed the "mild,...gaze" and "an....gift" lines. This is quite picturesque. Most enjoyable setting for this critter. No real suggestions. A nice first. I tanka you for the read. Andrea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-30 10:18:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Nice form holding to the traditional 5 lines of 5/7/5/7/7. Nice for a first attempt. I felt a little of a struggle reading through aloud. Not quite sure what I would change to make it fell less cumbersom. Otherwise, nice form and use imagery. thank you, Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-26 08:30:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.49091
Good morning Poet: very little do I know of this form of poetry yet this one does appear to have the required form it takes to write a tanka....and well done at that....These past five weeks we are adding to the house and venture into a lumber yard over and over again and I find the images you have created here have come to life within my own yard.....nicely done....You have given us wonderful imagery of cut lumber and it does have a delicious odor...I am able to congur up that smell in my mind as I read the words and as the windows are open when the sun does shine here in Tully and the aroma ventures in.... I know others who understand this form of poetry will assist you more then I for I just tell you how I feel after reading your words and how they have affected my own soul. I do thank you for sharing this with us though and I envy your ability to achieve such a form. Be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-24 21:47:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear C, Skunk? I love the skunk. I like the use of the mild gaze. Odorifious, while funny, sees a little wieghy for the sweet pawed guy. Thanks so much, Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-23 15:50:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.64286
Hi Carole, I know very little about the tanka form of poetry but from reading this one I am intrigued. You have given us wonderful imagery of cut lumber and it does have a delicious odor...I am able to congur up that smell in my mind as I read the words. I wish I knew more about tanka and could give you a more in depth crit but I felt I must tell you the way the words effected me. I will read up on the subject and hopefully do a better job next time! The style is compact and concise as well as having great imagery. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-22 10:55:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Lovely! Old stripe lumbers forth - wonderful scene setting. I can see old stripe lumbering forth with his secret weapon (shades of Pepe LePeu} in this charmingly descriptive scene which combines all the elements of a fine Tanka into a charming and bucolic piece. But watch out for that odoriforous {great word!} gift. Tanka very much! (sorry} Best, Rachel

This Poem was Critiqued By: Julie Ann Ruengert On Date: 2003-09-22 03:23:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This must be a skunk because of the stripe and the odoriferous gift. Your Title describes it well.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-09-21 19:53:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41176
If I recall a tanka is 5-7-5-7-7 syllables per line. Right on then. THis old skunk is just lumbering forth to greet us. Let's not get in his way, observe him from a distance only. Great imagery and description. I can just see him waddling up with his curious eyes pointed right at us.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-09-21 18:19:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.29412
I wish my fixed forms book was here! The poem seems to meet what I remember a tanka should be. It is a poem of nature and has a neat twist at the end. The imagery is really good and I like the humor, especially naming the skunk, "old stripe". Thanks for the Tanka, Carole. You are so good at these short fixed form poems. Rene

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