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This Poem was Submitted By: Joyce P. Hale On Date: 2005-07-09 22:22:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Mr. Moon

Tonight while we lay steeped in love, the moon played hide and seek. He gazed upon our joy sublime and lullabied our sleep. He told the stars to hush their song and keep the lovelight low; the nightsounds lulled our ecstacy beneath the moonbeams' golden glow. The white-capped waves kept vigil all night long while we breathed love; they echoed back our solemn vows, and reflected soft the moon above. The moon did bid the nightflower shed its sweet perfume to scent the breeze, and as we lay entwined in love, he hid behind the trees.

Additional Notes:
This poem was written for an internet challenge site, The Poetry Parlour.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-08-07 13:09:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Beautiful Joyce, I think of love and lovemaking when I read this poem, and the natural mooon's beauty is a beautiful backdrop for the occasion. Often Joanne writes of the elements of nature, and the more I read your poems, the more your poetic talent shines through in words like these. I can't find anything to complain about in this poem. It's filled with wonderfully composed lines to complete a theme. MR. MOON is a poem that lovers everywhere could appreciate. Someone I think that simply MOON or MOON's WATCH or MOON something else . . . (smile) might make a sweeter title. The Mr. brings the poem down a notch or it just doesn't seem to quite fit the occasion. I like to think of lovemaking as sultry and spiritual and sacred, somehow MR takes it to another level or not. Overall, I enjoyed reading this one. It is a jewel, reminds me of the Portuguese sonnets or the lovely poems of John Donne on love and the midnight hour. Thanks for sharing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-08-03 15:54:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joyce: This is the 1st poem of yours to make it to my list. If you are new, welcome; and I assume you are as a couple of members were talking about our grand new poet Joyce. The alliterative title is arresting for who can bypass the moon? And of matters lunar, there is often a love story attached. "we lay steeped in love"...nice liguistry. Your personification of the moon as a mister who plays hide and seek, gazes at you while you sleep, quietens the star songs and keeps the lovelight low. Oh, Joyce, that Mr. Moon is a charmer! Your descriptors are so good that I forget we are talking about the moon in lieu of a monsieur in an smoking jacket and cigar. Now poet continues that vigil is maintained by white-caps all the night as you breathed love. The waves rolling in (crashing?) mirrored the soft moon and the solemn vows the two of you made. Mr. Moon called on the nightflower to shed its sweet perfect perfume on the night air. (I love the aroma of flowers one catches on the breeze!) And poet ends the escapade with lying entwined in love with her significent other while the moon hides behind the trees. So quixotic and whimsical well describe Mister Moon wherever he moves/goes... behind the trees. I find your poem unique, refreshing, and I hope you will stay a while and share more of your work with us at TPL. Best wishes, Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-07-25 13:16:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Now this is a wonderful piece. The rhyme is spot on and the structure as well. It's a wonderful, almost sensous piece. I especially liked the last stanza about the moon hiding while you made love...kinda like a snooping child catching you in "the act". Thanks for posting.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-07-12 04:46:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
What a lovely read poet......good structure, word flow, nice rhyme to it as well.......the images you created are superb, the emotions and scents accomplish what you have set out to do.........Mr. Moon, a great title for this one poet.......enjoyed the sights created in the opening stanza as well......lovely way to share the night .....thank you for posting and sharing this with us......... God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-07-11 15:14:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65000
Joyce, I’ll get some of the technical stuff out of the way first.. Tonight while we lay steeped in love, the moon played hide and seek. He gazed upon our joy sublime and lullabied our sleep. He told the stars to hush their song and keep the lovelight low; {love light or love-light} the nightsounds lulled our ecstacy {night sounds/night-sounds} {ecstasy} beneath the moonbeams' golden glow. Your rhythm is good however the meter might flow a bit better is you were to remove “golden” from the last line, for me it reads a bit smoother and keeps the beat going, just a suggestion. The white-capped waves kept vigil all night long while we breathed love; they echoed back our solemn vows, and reflected soft the moon above. The moon did bid the nightflower shed {night flower/night-flower} its sweet perfume to scent the breeze, and as we lay entwined in love, he hid behind the trees. Another suggestion line 2, removing “long” slows the meter and detracts from the feeling, all night and long=repetitive, just this writers take. Your verbiage is most descriptive and paints a picture of two lovers be seduced by the moon its self, who for all intent purposes appears to have orchestrated the whole affair, excuse the pun. One can just feel the night, smell the fragrance and luxuriate in the moment of the mystery and magic shared between two people in love. I like how you have personalized this by naming the moon and by giving the control to “Mr. Moon” and the night. Thanks for a nice read. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-07-10 07:48:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Joyce, I visited your web site and I am very impressed with it and will return...your poeetry and pictures are outstanding! "Mr. Moon" is a lovely poem that limns the love between two people..it is soft, sweet, with beautiful words throughout....'He gazed upon our joy sublime and lullabied our sleep'....is a lovely phrase...in the last two lines of stanza one I think it would flow better if you (and this is just a thought) said...nightsounds lulled our ecstacy neath moonbeams' golden glow.' dropping 'the' in both lines just tightens it up a bit. In the second line of stanza two the word 'while' seems to disrupt the cadence of this piece but I'm not sure how to fix it.....'as we lay entwined in love, he hid behind the trees'...is wonderful...very creative and in keeping with Mr. Moon. Well done and I am looking forward to reading more of your work! Blessings....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-07-09 23:26:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joyce, In my world, the moon takes precedence over the sun. I have always been lured by its charm and mystique, it's aura of secrecy and it's symbol of passion. It has also been immortalised in many a religion as a spiritual force, especially in pagan ones. The world would never be the same without it. As a 16 or 17 year old I remember writing a poem with exactly the same title. It was about a boy (me) in conversation with Mr.Moon and had to do with loneliness and nowhere to turn to. I am amazed to find a poem with exactly the same title...with different content of course and I'm immediately transported some 9 yeatrs back to the past. Nevertheless, coming to the review of your piece, I m,ust say that you have chosen a very apt title. You make it all very persoanl. It's not just any moon..it's Mr.Moon and this personalisation ties in well with the theme and content of your piece. Mister also denotes authority and there is no doubt in the poem that the moon went about creating the perfect setting for love to flourish. He gazed upon our joy sublime and lullabied our sleep. He told the stars to hush their song and keep the lovelight low;////// The moon did bid the nightflower shed its sweet perfume to scent the breeze, Love flourishes in this poem as the perfect setting...the stars low lovelight, the moon's very own lullaby, nightsounds, white-capped waves, nightflower she's sweet perfume all contribute to ensure that the pinnacle of romance is achieved. What was alo intweresting to note in this romantic poem, is the moon's conscious effort to ensure that the poet and her lover have all the privacy they need and that all goes well and according to plan. The moon plays hide and seek behind the trees...this in itself tells us about the shroud of secrecy and mysticism associated with the moon. Coming to the poetics of the piece, the job you have done is commendable..as stated earlier, the setting is perfectly romantic and enables the reader to feel it as he reads through. There are vivid visuals combined with hushed audio....not to mention the sense of smell. Senses have been well catered to. The flow is okay but I would recommend removing 'golden' in the last line of the first verse as there might be additional syllables in there that tend to stretch the meter. Just my opinion but do check around. You will be sacrificing the 'golden' shade if you do so..and 'golden' is a nice touch. Well written!! Did you know that legally, one is able to procure property on the moon? Amazing, isn't it? Take care, Duane.

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