This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-08-31 14:12:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Your Face

I first Saw your loving  Face when you looked at Me.  I last saw your smile frozen In time

Copyright © August 2005 marilyn terwilleger

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2005-09-06 21:34:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.96154
What a great thing to tell a person Marilyn. I think that our faces is what we all (well at least some of us) wish to leave this kind of impression on our lovers. There's just something about a face. Over time, we etch these in our minds, those of people we adore and love deeply. I like the simplicity of this poem, the brevity of the lines. It ties into the idea that it doesn't take a million words to make a profound and loving statement, something memorable that leaves a big impression. It's sexy as well as intriguing. It's a great love poem that lasts, and you can actually count on the person to whom you give it to remembre it. How lovely. I'd love to write lots of these to my husband. It's short, but it's poetic and sweet enought to last forever. Great job. Latorial

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-08-31 23:23:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76271
Good morning Marilyn, lovely thought here about love........a first meeting, probably a lifetime in between that first meeting and the last time you saw that smile now frozen in be so fortunate ........few today experience such a love......thank you for posting and sharing, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-08-31 22:53:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.77778
Marilyn Your cinquain is of proper count, I take in line 3 you are counting look-ed as two instead of how it sounds. Very romantic, sentimental and sad, a drifting into memory. This runs a whole gamut of emotions for me, the kind of emotions that it take many years to acquire with one person. I believe you have hit your mark with this one. While I understand that cinquain are normally supposed to be about an object instead of an emotion I applaud you for this is great. (I too don’t follow all the rules *smile*) Kudos. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2005-08-31 22:35:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88372
marilyn–Writing your heart out. The imagery of lines #1,2 and 3 caused a lump in my throat; “I first Saw your loving Face when you looked at Me*-*I last saw your smile frozen In time” Lines #4 and 5 sadly inference a death mask. Thanks for sharing these personal heartbreaking/bittersweet memories. Hopefully, this sober cinquain is also serving in a cathartic capacity. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-08-31 20:09:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MT, I'm not trying to be trite, but your last line just froze me to my chair. This is a good poem. It has the power that the structure is intended to generate. Very well crafted, the "face" to the "smile"!!!! T
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2005-08-31 18:46:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, This is a cinquain with such an unexpected finish! I suspect it may be about your late husband? It's incredibly poignant, with that frozen face the final image, to linger forever. A whole lifetime is embraced by these five short lines. You don't try to play on emotion, though; there's no risk of getting maudlin and sentimental, which is a real plus for the reader. We share sympathy but aren't made uncomfortable. The loss is implied rather than described. In L4, the pause after "Me" is like a halt in the progress of life itself. You do a great job with these short poetic forms, especially the conquains. It's a gift, one I lack. I do tackle haiku once in awhile but tend to run off at the mouth too often!! Well done. Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2005-08-31 17:13:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Dear Marilyn, This is an interesting poem, as it creates a visual and a deep loving emotion within the reader. All captured in a moment in time, the look, the connection, which created a bond between two people. I last saw your smile frozen in time, makes me wonder, if someone has passed on, if they are not around anymore to smile for you to see. All in all I enjoyed this, it has a tender touch, and speaks volumes on that of love. Good poem. Sincerely, DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-08-31 16:33:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn, This poem is a good example of ho wmuch can be said, felt, communicated in a few short lines. I first Saw your loving Face when you looked at Me. I last saw your smile frozen In time It tells so very much - captures a whole lifetime and beyond. the only suggestion I make is a spacing one; I first saw Your loving face When you looked at me. I last saw your smile, frozen in time Excellent tender and lving poem Rach
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-08-31 15:53:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, A cinquain, beautifuly written and reflective of the first time you met your late husband and the last time you saw him.....when his face wore a frozen smile ( a smile that would forever remain etched in the memory of your last look at him). The title is apt and the theme is one of profound love with nostalgic and sentimental undertones. My heart twitched as I read through the last two lines...but yes, there was hope in them too. 'I last saw your smile frozen in time' - as a testament to the immortality of love. Marilyn, technically, it seems you have 5 syllables in the thrid should be 6 if I am not mistaken or are these flexibilites permissible in Cinquain? Nevertheless, I loved the emotion in this sprung straight from the heart. Take care, Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-08-31 15:06:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Marilyn, Nice. Though I think the caps are unnecesary. Only at sentence start would be better for me.. I'd like fixed in time better than frozen.....he seems frozen/like in a fridge. Just my take. hugs Dellena
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