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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by G. Donald Cribbs	Critique Date
The Guru	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, I'm not sure what to make of this my friend. I've read it over a few times and have not been able to press in close enough to feel the sweat from it, to know your full intent. You may simply chalk it up to my ineptness, or ignorance. However, I do see in this a form, a structure, and the fact that you stayed within the requirements of end rhyme and stanza length. My gut reaction is that your language is a bit too abstract, possibly vague, or simply not completely clear to the reader. Am I supposed to know what you're saying here, or do you have an intended audience? I mean no disrespect, and I certainly don't want to offend you. I'm simply writing to you as a fellow poet, who has read several of your poems, and who thought he had a decent idea regarding your writing style, but you've stumped me here. What is your purpose and intent here? What are you trying to get out of the poem? I hope this perspective helps, even if it's a bit discouraging. Please forgive my lack of discretion in softening the blow. I hope this can help you look at this one with a fresh eye, and hopefully come back with an even better poem. Before I offend you any further, I'll close this for now. Warm regards, and I look forward to reading your other poems as you post them on the Link. I hope it won't bother you if I continue to critique your poems. Blessings, Don	2004-06-07 13:57:24
What I Wish For In A Friend	Cathy Hill Cook	Cathy, I have not seen you here before on the Link, so welcome! I hope you find a home here and enjoy reading, critiquing, and posting your own poems here. I liked this poem, and think you have a nice casual or conversational tone to your writing. That's not an easy thing to come across without sometimes sounding disjointed or perhaps clunky, but you manage to speak smoothly and clearly and your lines flow nicely into one another. Good job! There is certainly truth to the subject of this poem. So many truths we think of when pondering what a true friend is. If you do indeed have this in someone, count yourself lucky and blessed! It is a rare gift to have a friend like the one you describe here so vividly. I am reminded of David and Jonathan from the Bible, their friendship transcended class, culture, and stands as an example of how two people can put aside their differences and give of themselves and receive from another. This poem reminds me of that, and I appreciate that you shared this with us. I hope my comments are helpful to you as the writer, to know what a reader thought of your poem. I don't have any suggestions for improving this, I think you said it all and you have left nothing out. I look forward to reading more by you. All the best, Don	2004-06-06 11:34:08
The Defining Moment	Thomas Edward Wright	TEW, Wow, and you're the one who once told me I had to have MY meds adjusted! I am stunned. I don't know what to say, but I can't speak Hawaiian anyway. However, I do speak English, Spanish, Latin, Greek and Chinese. I also know basic sign language. Does any of that help me to grasp the deeper meaning of a heavy woman's tattooed ass? Not quite, but I do appreciate your humorous approach to Mell's verbiage. You metriculated this poem quite surreptitiously. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-30 22:08:59
Hiding	Nancy Anne Korb	Nancy, You may think the message is hidden, but a perceptive reader would argue the topic is an abused child turning from his/her past, trying to overcome some severe childhood hurts and has perhaps found the faith to do so. I have not read a poem by you before, so I know I am being quite appallingly presumptive. Please forgive me if this has offended you. I am simply responding with my gut as a writer and a reader. Perhaps this poem is more of a mirror than I realize. All of that to say your poem is striking, haunting, and has resonated deeply with this reader. I hope you don't mind my comments, and I hope they at least encourage you to know your writing has touched someone unknown to you previously. Thank you for sharing this with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-30 21:57:46
The Color of Harmony	Mell W. Morris	Mell, Every poem of your that I am fortunate enough to read just makes my respect for you as a talent and a writer greater and greater. There are many who call themselves poets, but few who actually are. I believe you are truly a "poet." I learn so much with the way you craft a poem, laying it delicately on a page as if a rare fish caught, filleted, and deboned, ready for searing and wine, or champagne, as you've alluded to here. Yours is a delicate art, a finely crafted and tuned note, perfect in pitch and leaping off the page as the reader's soul leaps in his chest from reading the poem. My comments here are sincere. I have a great deal of respect for your work, and I appreciate your sharing it with us so we may learn from you. Here are just a few comments: The Color of Harmony [you take it on with the title, an abstract thought made concrete by stunning imagery and intonations.] I forget how joy feels until it returns [a great beginning line. I want to read this!] And then it is akin to Coltrane realms. His hand at the helm, matter falls away [I love this, "matter falls away/from itself."] From itself. Whatever the situation, The emotional part of any event has more Appeal: the shadow cast more interesting [your images are so well crafted as with this one] Than its source. My days extend in grief [nice poetics here with grief/relief and strive/save] Until relief appears and I strive to save Myself from me in between. My feelings Resist words so how can you know what [a great question to be pondered for a long while!] I cannot say? I seek peace in mind and body And I perpetuate while droplets of happy Punctuate often enough to guarantee my Continued search. Then comes the hour When my being reappears, renewed, no ails, Resonant as both tines of a tuning fork. Ah, there will be high C and champagne Uncorked for all notes on the scale... And especially abounding, The sound of me. This last stanza is exquisite. Every poem should build to this level of sophistication. You nail it with this ending. It stands strong and alone and everything before it builds right up to the ending. Simply marvelous to behold. Thank you for sharing it with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-26 18:15:16
Hush, a Young Bard Sings Once More	Thomas Edward Wright	TEW, I'm not a real car afficianado myself, but I quite like the tender tone with which you voice this elegant piece. Nice form, rhyme, and metered word throughout. At first I saw you in the side yard with an easel and paint set, scrubbing out a watercolor on a blank canvas against the backdrop of nature you have tucked next door. Then, your notes section suggests you're out joy riding, or preparing to go out joyriding in your beamer. Either way, the mood you evoke in the lines and manner of putting words to paper is quite wonderful. Thank you for sharing this one with us. I love, "Skipping off down the long haul," and "even in the mourning," where your double meaning comes through quite clear. Masterful, maestro! pianissimo... Warm Regards, Don	2004-05-26 14:31:58
For Whom The Young Bird Sings	Thomas Edward Wright	TEW, I'm surprised by the heighted level of sophisticated language here, but enjoyed the poem. This works very well from yardwork to the ending, the voice of god to whomever would listen... I like the "drop glove and listen." A nice allusion to the story of Martha and Mary, who had Jesus as a guest, and Martha was busy with work to prepare the meal and all the things, and Mary sat at his feet. Jesus said Mary was blessed, while Martha worried too much. Perhaps she should have "dropped glove and listened?" This is a nice way to bring that idea forward and make it fresh again. Well done, my friend. So, why are you doing yardwork? Not enough neighborhood kids wanting to earn a few bucks? Or, do you like yardwork? I guess you must have that genetic makeup. I hear it's hereditary... Warm regards, Don	2004-05-26 14:19:27
LOVE	housam majid jarrar	Housam, I have not read any of your poems before. This is the first one I have read. I must say I was surprised at how well you capture many of the aspects and qualities that pertain to love. This is a topic humans have spent centuries trying to understand, and you have said so much in such a short space. I must say to you that I am very impressed with your knowledge and skills in putting these words down so well together. Very well done! My favorite line is: "For love is the most beautiful thing/to resonate or just perfectly be said." A truth I am sure you know by having found it to be true in your life. Your challenge at the end is also heavy with wisdom. I appreciate the way you put this together, and I am glad you shared it with us here at the Poetic Link. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts on your poem. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-24 20:46:15
Hush, The Young Bird Sings Once More	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, Another beautiful poem of springtime in the garden. You deftly capture the allure of Oliver's poem, the penchant she has as a doer, a seeker in her poetry. She goes out to nature to find truths and then uses the poem to expound upon them. I think you do this here. I can sense the awe and excitement you have in hearing the bird's call, in finding the bird "just to have a glimpse of it, perhaps know it's name, etc." That "wanting to know" is what is so captivating about Oliver's poetry. I think you are becoming better and better with each poem in that regard. I enjoyed this one by you and I'm glad you posted it so we could experience it. My favorite moment is when you consider whether you've imagined the singing or not, if it's just a memory or something of the present. There's a lot going on with that. "Then you call again most clearly" is brilliant. There's a leap going on there. I look forward to the next oliveresque poem by you. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-24 20:32:13
Ocean City Weekend	Edwin John Krizek	Edwin, I like the potential here with these three "mini poems" or vignettes which make up the content of your poem. I think there's a lot of good here to work with and I think this can have a tremendous impact depending upon your intentions. I would like to offer some feedback which I think might help make this stand out stronger on the page, or have a more profound impact. As my mom said, take what you like and leave the rest. I like the casual tone and mood of this poem. You do a great job with the atmosphere (Literally in stanza 1, figuratively throughout the piece) I like the topic of the beach, lots of meaty potential there! I like how you broke it up into Weather, Dream, Newsstand. Those work well, and add to the piece overall. I think separately, these work well as vignettes. What I don't think you're able to do successfully here is to tie the three together more. Your inferences and phrases hint at a connection, but they remain hidden from the reader. Perhaps you know the way this connects, because you might be writing about real events, but you need to do a bit of tweaking to bring this up to the surface more, and let the reader get it. I think with that one correction, this poem would leap off the page and astonish us all! I challenge you to a revision, and I eagerly await the next posting. Thank you for letting us have a chance to offer our advice, I hope this helps, and if not, I hope I haven't been a total waste of your time. I welcome your reply. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-23 20:15:59
Condensation	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, You are certainly getting into your groove with this one. Quite remarkable the growth you are making as a poet, in leaps and bounds, and this one is quiet, confident, and has a strong presence poetically throughout the poem. You have found your voice. Now it is the time to learn to hear your poet's voice audibly as you write so that you can retain what is unique to the way you put words and phrases together on the page. I am confident you will master this in your next steps. As for this poem, it is very well crafted, well put together and does an awesome job of setting the reader up for the marvelous ending. The title hints at this but doesn't give it away. Wonderful, outstanding, you are rockin it with this one! Here are a few comments: In the matter of a word, or two, That tap themselves along [nice alliteration with the 't' sounds here. I like the idea of words tapping, nicely done.] On finger-fibres that can channel the cosmos, [finger-fibers? Check spelling...nice word combo though!] I’ll flesh out a miracle. [this is pure brilliance. You've got your voice] First, refresh yourself in a page Of this portable white bathroom Scrabbled with black roman tiles. This whole stanza rocks. I love the idea of the contrast of poetry and bathroom imagery and the inks and tiles overlapping. I get the picture of you scribbling (nice word, scrabbled) a poem on toilet paper and posting it here to be read. Hilarious. The scrabbled makes more sense with the whole double meaning of tiles and bathroom tiles. I'm telling you, you've got your voice here. Gently rinse your eyes in this ink. Then, with a familiar sting you’ll see it: Nice tension with the idea of "gentle" being paired with rinsing eyes in ink. A funny image, but goes well with what you're going for here in meaning. The sting is a great "leaping" moment here to the spiritual. Very well put together. Your face, splashed across a mirror. This last line is AWESOME! Somewhat unexpected, and totally nails the idea, to try to absorb a poem you need to lean your face into it, get the ink all over you, get the sting of what it's saying. Brilliance. Thank you for sharing this voter-worthy piece! Warm regards, Don	2004-05-20 07:47:12
japanese verse 48 (Worms)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, I like the tension and mood you created here with the passive voice/past tense. It's already happening, has already happened and can't be stopped. Worms just have this fate and there is no way around it. A bit moribund but true to the image you are creating with this haiku. I like all the 'h' sounds in your consonants. The vowel sounds transition between the strong 'a' of the first line, the 'e' sound in the second line, and the 'i' sound in the final line. This suggests a cry of anguish upon the part of the worms as they are caught baited and hooked for the fishes. A nice twist with the idea of romantic passion (fishes kissing the worms) versus physical passion (satisfying the hunger, the belly of the fishes). These are closely related enough that transposing them makes for an interesting ending to your fine poem. Thank you for sharing this with us. I quite enjoyed it. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-20 07:22:26
Remembering	Karen Ragan	Karen, I enjoyed this poem even more than the last one. I think this one is truer to your writer's voice as a poet. I really like the style, how you used the words and the layout and the "emptiness" of having no punctuation to say so many things in layers with this poem is incredibly well done. Writing about death is a tough topic to speak on. For so many it's overdone, it's all been said before, but you have found a fresh way to say many things about the struggle with faith, with knowing what is and is not beyond, for suffering of a loved one going through such a tough death, and for you to process and accept it as well. A marvelous piece of work, with this one. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have a similar poem posted about my mother in law, called, "The Death of A Poet." I'd welcome your comments on that one. We seem to have a shared thought this month in that regard. Here's some feedback on this poem: Quietly I slip into the room staring at the still silent figure hearing only one heartbeat shadows shift and change The 's' sounds throughout thsi first stanza suggest the "shhh" of silence in the somber and stillness of the room, almost a holiness with "slip/staring/still/silent/shadows/shift". Well done! With "hearing only one heartbeat, you question whether it's yours or your "grandpa's..." Nice tension with that. "Shadows shift and change" provide a sense of forboding, finality, that the end has come or is coming very soon. Silence so final I hear its echo Peace mingles with coldness Numb pain rises in my throat I cringe and slightly shiver Here, you transition between the 's' sound to a similar silibant sound of 'c's which illustrate the clench of the throat when one is overwhelmed by emotions and their throat is caught in tears, weeping, and anguish. A great job with "echo/coldness/cringe" and the surrounding "silence/so/its/mingles/coldness/rises/slightly/ shiver". This works very well. Life reached its climax in the cool morning mist slipping away without notice death slithered quickly past I love "death slithered quickly past." Such a beautifully written line. You pack this stanza with weight just in that line alone. unwelcome faceless void sucking essence of all human personality spitting only the shell of existence in memory of its hungry wake The devourer, death has come. You deliver a vivid image here beginning with the word, "sucking." That begins the sound and feel of a body losing its soul and the idea of the "shell" being spit back out in its wake is so powerful. Wow. emptiness stripping frail form fears tumble in the darkness whispering of mortality leaving heavy questions Your use of enjambment here with "frail form/fears tumble" adds well to the piece. Fear forms or the frail form fears...nicely done. Yes, most certainly heavy questions. This is a nice leap into the rest of the poem where you grapple with the spirituality and faith issues. reminding me of his pain, of my own pain pulsing rapidly through my heart as I gaze at his rigid face Nice tie-in to the first stanza's lone heartbeat. This sinks it in that yours was the only one still beating, that his time had come when you entered the room. My fingers lightly trace wrinkles of his forehead last gesture of caring after weeks of waiting With only his shell remaining, facing death like a horrible mirror transfixed, one must find a way to connect with the individual. A tenderly written picture of tracing the wrinkles in his forehead. A gesture full of weight and purpose. hoping for a miracle seeing such fear unmask behind those failing eyes remembering I had given comfort, some strength a prayer to soothe stormy moments when faith failed as cancer crawled within This section is what sells the piece for me. How death has come and gone, and you are left naked and empty here to grapple with faith, with God himself (like Jacob), yet trying to keep your hip from coming out of its socket. Your answer is significant. To look upon the role you played, that you had done some good, that you were able to guide him in words and gestures. Even with the force of cancer ravaging his body. The emptiness is tangible, yet profound. You say this so well. Steel stretcher rolls slowly out Finality of separation haunts leaving all who cared behind to wonder, remembering Hope he is not lost forever remains Faith fights the dark curse, hearing my trembling whisper to deaf ears "you've finally made it, grandpa" I love how you illustrate the numbed shock one feels when faced with death. "leaving all who cared behind/to wonder.." Nice enjambment, again. You finish with faith. A great way to bring it full circle and offer a lovely tribute to a man so dear to you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-19 09:18:31
New Chapter	Karen Ragan	Dear Karen, I'm pretty new here myself, so I haven't had the chance to see your other writing. Glad to see you've been able to find your way back here. I hope you are encouraged by other writers here at the link. I know I have been myself. My intention with reading and critiquing your poem is to offer constructive feeback so that you can take what you like and leave the rest (my mom always said that) and either challenge you to become the best writer you can be, or encourage you to do better. That said, I'll move on to the poem. I welcome your comments back so that I can better myself as a fellow poet and critiquer as well. An apt title to start things out. You are one who "tells it like it is." I respect that. In stanza one, you paint a picture of a woman who has to swallow being one uped by a younger woman. The difficulty lies in the fact that it's not your husband running off with a younger woman, its your son doing what sons do--they grow up and get married. Nicely done. In stanza two, we are at the wedding ceremony, sitting among the family members and friends. You've incorporated a few different ways of conveying your meaning with the stage and the actors, the ceremony itself, and the chapters and characters of a book. All of these work well together, and pinpoint different aspects of meaning. In stanza three we are faced with the facts. Love has happened here. You can see it clearly in the flickering candles and in their eyes. You know what this means. Your time is up. Your role has changed, your character has been rewritten. Not an easy thing to face after all the hard work and dedication you selflessly gave as his mother. In the fourth stanza, your decision a firm resolution, you nobly determine to take your cue from them, to let them dictate how this will play out, and allowing them space to move and grow in their new roles as spouses so they can get their footing before you know what that means for you and the time you will have with your son and new daughter in law. A big unknown. I feel like I'm right there in it. You've done a great job of walking us through the journey as a reader. I myself being a son, I can relate, but not in the same way. I appreciate knowing your perspective and seeing how you dealt with this challenge in your life. Thank you for taking the risk to share this with us. You are a strong woman for doing so. I am glad I had the chance to read it. Thanks very much. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-17 22:31:30
there was another tree	zen sutherland	Zen, I really like this one. I've come back to it a few times and read it over and over again. There's something very appealing and intriguing about it. I like the twist you give to the whole creation story. That's a great way to start a poem if you're ever stuck, just rewrite history a bit and use it to tell/reveal something fresh or different about the human condition. I think that's what you've achieved well with this one. Good work. I must say that Able is not how you spell his name. So, a minor correction, but his name is spelled, "Abel." I like how your title flows right into the body of the poem. That doesn't always work so well, but it works well here. You are a good story teller. You give just enough info to clue us into what you're talking about and then you weave in the message the poem delivers. The full effect of the meaning is just beyond my reach. I can sense there's something with this ending surrounding the whole "a day is as a thousand years" thing, but I'm not quite sure of your intended meaning. Perhaps you meant to leave it open to interpretation, which is fine, but if you're meaning to have the reader arrive at a specific understanding, you might need to tweak this a bit. Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. The visual sensory imagery in the middle is very well done. Almost like a "list of things" but it's actually well crafted and a variety of assorted senses and images which fill out the leaves on the tree quite nicely. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-17 09:06:27
Caprio	DeniMari Z.	DeniMari, It seems to me this poem is about "soul mates" or someone who "knows" someone in a way that is way beyond normal. A special connection that can be anything from a friend to a spouse. It's so important as you state to know yourself, to face your past and to let it be the past. Living in the present is the challenge we all find in the day to day. Spiritual growth is no small thing. It's tough, it's hard, and it can be painful too. Especially if that process involves facing tough things in one's childhood and finding peace with them. Believe me, I know. That's part of what made me a poet, an observer, one who looks into the depths of a thing and determines what I should make of it. Enough about me. I share what I share just to tell you that your poem is powerful, it has a true message, and it has spoken to me deeply. I hope that was your intention when you wrote it, because you nailed it! Thank you for sharing this one with us here. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-16 23:01:15
Of Flowers, Bees and Meteors	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, How lovely this one is! I'm seeing a glimpse of a "Blue Dragonfly" hovering just over your shoulder as you wrote this one. Again, very "oliveresque" with the style here. Love it! In stanza 2, do you mean, heaven[s]/I hope to reach"? I love the personification with the strong stems and leafy arms. Wonderfully done. This is my FAVORITE stanza (below). Just rolls out like honey to the ear, to the reader's eye. The best is, "hot coral hymns." You nailed it with that one! They fling sweet-lipped signals to bees and me, sing hot coral hymns at noon, hum blue tunes at dusk. Amazing. Simply amazing! What's great about this ending is how you set it up with the pretense of the hymn they sing and you give all this wonderfully precise, visual imagery that focuses in on their "faces"--this is masterful work! This just makes me about crazy, trying to lean into the page close enough so I can almost hear what they're singing. Loved it, loved it. A sweet evening ride. Thanks for sharing, Warm regards, Don	2004-05-14 18:30:33
By The Seat Of My Pants	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, A delightful one, this! I loved the whole tongue-in-cheek tone and lightheartedness here. Very well done. It's nice to smile through a poem. Thanks for that. I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not, chalk it up to being pretty new here still and not knowing you all that well yet, but if you did, it's very clever to put the last two lines in the "Additional notes section," so as to poke fun at those who critique a sonnet to the letter of the law, and to have just casually "plunked" them there, is hilarious. If that wasn't your intention, however, at least I had a good laugh! Anyway, I quite enjoyed it. I do have a few punctuation sort of minor suggestions, for feedback, so I'll put them here. Of course, please take it with a grain of salt, and if you don't care to use them, no worries! I'm just glad you were willing to put it out there to let the likes of me at it. Thanks for sharing! By The Seat Of My Pants [love it!] It’s by the seat of these blue jeans I write With passion for the newly-written words As pictures, colors[,] slice the winds of night And come to rest like strange nocturnal birds A flutter[,] now and then[,] as places change[.] Some words are not content upon my page[;] They want to fly more fences on the range[.] Well, fare-thee-well--go quickly to engage Another poet’s choice when words are sought But we will meet again soon, like as not[.] Copyright © May 2004 Marcia McCaslin Additional Notes: O please to let this be a sonnet If not, just tack "A Rhyme" upon it Thanks again for brightening up my day! Warm regards, Don	2004-05-13 20:38:02
Beside the Gate	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, I like this one, but I think it can go a bit farther. I'm going to encourage you here to take a few more steps with this one. I think it's going places. A very good start, though, I must say! I love the concept you're working with here, comparing this life and the one to follow. I love the very personable and approachable debate going on throughout the poem. But, I do have a bit of feedback, so please bear with me as I go through. As my mother said, take what you like and leave the rest. Obviously, this is first and foremost your poem. I would not wish to tread on your toes. So, if I cross a line, please let me know, and I will retract my opinion. Beside the Gate [this does work, since it's not given away until the end. Just a personal pet peeve of mine that a poet use a different phrase to further build upon or draw out some aspect of the poem.] Home is all the truth I know[,] where cares turn to the pillow[,] and marigolds sleep outside my door. [beautiful. very articulate!] Here the steaming cup warms my fingers, and books stand by in somber readiness. [sounds warm and cozy, a delightful place to be!] Seasons grow about th[e] house, like ivy blanketing an old tree. I am held in this space below the stars, above earth’s pumping heart. [I love the calm, yet questioning tone here...very nicely done!] Home is the ["]all the truth I know[" place]; it stays my longing for another place[,] where beside the gate, a radiant angel waits. [you've got just enough here to clue us in to where you've gone in your mind's eye or in your heart, perhaps. A wonderful ending.] Hope that helps! Just wanted to offer my "readerly perspective." Warm regards, Don	2004-05-13 19:05:11
Prima materia	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, This is a great one of yours. Is that latin for the title? The dust we were made of? Some kind of reference like that? Anyway, I love all the enjambment and making your words do double and triple work here. That's great! The best is that last line, thera/pist. There I get the jist that you were "pissed" or might like to throw a fist, perhaps not if you'd been kissed. But, I digress... Mad props for the obscure use of "djinn" in the middle of this one. Don't think I've ever thought to use a word like that. But, then again, my vocab stinks, so there ya go! I also enjoyed the one word lines juxtaposed by the longer length lines. Hey, just don't let them see one another, or they'll get line envy. Good work here, man. Keep it up. You are rockin and rollin here! Don	2004-05-12 14:15:59
This Leda and Her Swan	Thomas Edward Wright	TEW, Here's the shocker of all: my name is not a pen name. In fact, it's one my parents had a big fight over. Luckily, my dad lost, or I'd also have "wallace" to contend with...although the relation to William Wallace isn't bad...but I digress. Suffice it to say, I come by my name honestly, and that's all there is. I go by my middle name to rebel against this damned society so bent on only using first names and middle initials. My small useless rebellion. Oh, well. Now, onto the poem. If you're like me, you might skip that crap I wrote above, get to the part about your poem that I actually talked about, and then, if you liked it, MAYBE go back over the first part just for kicks. But, who knows? It probably depends on how many beers you've had recently. Here's hoping! I love how you start this with an ejaculation. Not just any ejaculation or wet dream, but Zeus's, by god (notice the lower case here). So, pretty much, it's all about sex. Isn't that the same message the cable company's ramming down my throat? Thanks, didn't need it from you too! Just kidding. I liked the inference that the Greco-Roman architecture somehow came out of this raping of Leda. An intriguing idea. That's what sells your poetry, anyway. It's all about those little details that keeps the reader interested to find out what you're gonna throw out there next. This next stanza, I like to call the "phallic" stanza. For obvious reasons...do I need to explain? Hey, you wrote it, you should know all about those references. So, for that unique approach, I love how you twist it and offer a man who's got a physical disability, and a woman with a genetic disability. Not something we use for topics in our poetry. Not nearly enough. A whole population of people constantly overlooked in so many areas, including poetry. Thanks for that. I think that's awesome. What really sells this poem is the last stanza. All kidding aside, this is what takes a swan, cooks an omelete, and brings the mirror up to our faces for a sharp focus on the darkness within. What a punch in the gut! Terrific. Nothing else to say but simply astounding. I had to catch my breath. An enjoyable read, my friend. Thanks for sharing it with us here. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-11 22:29:36
Freeway Lemons	Jillian K Sorenson	Jillian, This is my first critique for your poetry. I'm not sure if you've been here awhile or if you're new here at TPL. Welcome. I hope these critiques are helpful for you as a growing writer and poet. I like what you're doing here. It's a good piece of work and it's got a lot of great moments. The lemon imagery is pungent, strong and acerbic. The repetition is good, but I think it might need some tweaking. As my mom always said, when someone gives you advise, take the good, leave the rest. Please take my feedback with a grain of salt. If it's too bitter, spit it out. It is my hope that this feedback is more helpful than not. I love the way you begin this poem. It works great. Love the first stanza. The poem reads a bit prosey at times. In the second stanza, you might trim it down like this: I am suddenly reminded, my experiences when skin is removed; sourness at once shocking, still delicious. I recall you last night If you prefer the line length to be as long as the first and last lines, you can flesh out a bit more in the middle lines. Again, this is a style I use to trim out extraneous verbiage, and get to the meat of the poem. I think of the poem as a book, but each word is a chapter. Make each one count. Keep only what's necessary, and cut out the rest. I use commas and enjambment and line breaks to accomplish this. Swapping out word order also helps to clean up a cluttered poem. Please don't think of this as a slam. I don't mean to come across harsh or haughty. Believe me, I'm learning at this too! I only offer a reader's opinion. If it helps, great, if not, sorry I've wasted your time. The whole bit about making love and comparing a person's body to the skin and underflesh of a lemon. This was both surprising and powerfully effective. I caution you not to use repetition as much as making each reference unique. I'm not sure the braille reference works quite right. That might need some revision. Also, I love the idea with the paper doll ending, but I think you're stopping short here. I think you need to push it farther, reach for what your subconscious was surfacing with this image. That will really punch up this one and make it even better. I'd suggest reading Robert Bly's "Leaping Poetry" to focus in on how to make an image from the subconscious leap from the page, making a spiritual "aha" moment for the reader, and finishing out this very nice poem. Thanks for taking the risk of sharing this with us. I hope this helps! Warm regards, Don	2004-05-11 09:38:16
Heaven on earth	Mark Andrew Hislop	MAH, I can see the impact John Forbes is having on you with this one. A much more rugged, edgier piece than your usual stuff. It's good to branch out and stretch to find the boundaries, or what's beyond. I think you've climbed the fencepost, flung yourself over, and have hiked a field or two beyond here. That's great. Your tone and language work well here. Even the swearing works. Just make sure that it's intent is right, and not just a cop out or an easy fill in when you use them. Don't let the cursing replace true language here. But, honestly, what you've done here works very well. The image of "screw the world and rape it" was pretty intense stuff for me. Very strong in your writing with that one. I liked the colloquialism of "dacks"...nice! Yes, and men "piss" so you've got the right use there. I have a poem I'll put up here eventually called, "Worms in the Summer Grass" where the main character is a four year old boy. He uses the word pee. For him, it works, but for you, piss is the right word. Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm enjoying the growth journey you are taking here with Forbes' influence. Keep it up and write some more, damnit! Don	2004-05-11 09:14:26
Australia, My Home	Alexander Inman	Alexander, For a ten year old, you're far beyond your years. You've got a talent, already evident in what you've written in form here. Keep with the form for now. Write in rhyme, learn to hear the meter and the rhythm of words together. Learn to put sounds together and other poetical devices, such as allusion (drawing a connection to something outside your poem, such as a famous description, a quote, a phrase, a book, etc.) or enjambment (when you use the line break at the end of a line to give a double meaning for the words that end the first line and begin the second line). Being from Australia, you'll have a lot of interesting things to write about. Things which are common and everyday for you, such as the wildlife you describe, will be interesting to others. Think about what senses you want to use with each stanza you write and try to limit it to two or three at the most for each stanza. For example, in the first stanza, you use touch/tactile experience such as hot and between my toes, and visual imagery such at red and silk. That's great. Keep working like that and you'll be a published poet before you know it. This poem reads like a postcard. It makes me want to jump on a plane and fly over there just to check it out. I liked the detail you provided with the bushlands and rocks, such as Uluru. Those are the kinds of things which show that you are a talented writer. Take your time and enjoy it, and I'm sure you'll just keep getting better and better. Thanks for taking the risk to share your poetry with us at the Poetic Link. I hope this critique has helped, and I welcome you to read and critique my poems as well. Best of luck to you in all your writing endeavors. Warm regards, Don Cribbs	2004-05-10 22:05:25
My teacher	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, You're right in what you said in the last response. I am seeing a difference here. It's a simple rule of time and numbers. The more you write, the more you learn. I think you are starting to hear your poetic voice more clearly. Perhaps you've attained a greater level of writing sophistication. There are plateaus, though, I'm afraid. I'm in one myself. Which is why I'm here critiquing, because of what it's teaching me to absorb new and current poetry by fellow poets like yourself so that I can find a "road not taken" and get farther up the mountainous path of writing better poetry. I see what you mean by clusters of words. I'd recommend Robert Bly's "Leaping Poetry" which talks about the subconscious and the three brains. Rainer Maria Rilke (german poet) is a great one to read. Also, James Wright (a buddy of Bly's) and Bly himself. "A Little Book on the Human Shadow is good stuff too. For poetry, I suggest "Silence in the Snowy Fields," or just his "Selected Poems." If you've got the time, then take it like a wildman. Seriously. I know for myself, being married, with a son, and taking care of ten kids for our job is hectic, and rarely gives me any time to write. So, be grateful for it if you have it, and use every second of it. You'll be grateful later. I liked this "school crush" piece. Some interesting thoughts going on here. Nice play on words, and playing with how you're laying it out, like before. I love "I'll be a melted icecream." Awesome! I'd work on her persona a bit more. She's a bit too perfect. You played with the Adonis, perhaps another greek metaphor? Face that launched a thousand ships, something in that direction? She hinges completely on that one "orchid in bloom," which isn't bad. It's okay, but it could be better. And, I found the greasy hair part a bit too distracting. Something doesn't sit right with it. I'd say keep it, but tweak it a bit more. Otherwise, a great piece and a nice read. Thanks! Keep believing and listening for that writer's voice. You will hear it. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-10 21:53:18
Morning	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, There's a ton of things going on here. I'm not sure I can fathom all of your layers of meaning, but I'll "take a stab at it here." You do some interesting things here with words. I like how you take them and make them do things that words don't normally do, such as: "to peck their imperatives." Very interesting. I get a picture with this poem, of someone sitting at a curbside cafe, with a drink of water, perhaps a coffee, and a paper, near a park, watching the crowds, the birds, the traffic and such all going by in a rush. Perhaps that's why you go with "Morning" as the title? There's something about the mood, not entirely committal, not entirely enigmatic. It really comes across with the last line, "have another stab/every tomorrow." I appreciate your risk-taking with this one. I do not intend that as an insult, but a compliment. Edgy, against the grain. Like that. Thank you for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-10 16:54:47
Just For Fun	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, A witty and enjoyably amusing work of form verse. I enjoyed the steadiness of the structure while I waited to see how the tale progressed. A clever finish and twist at the end. I liked your humorous nudge at death and how you'll approach it. A wonderful entrance to heaven, I must say. I hope we all go out like that. My favorite part was the report you had to write to reflect upon your time on earth. How interesting that a poet should write as a way of processing one's mortality. I loved, "pearl qwerty board..." That was my favorite line...simply brilliant. Your form was effortless, and went right along with the rest of it. A fine poem, and I'm glad you shared it with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-10 16:36:45
The waking tide	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, Wow, didn't know you had it in you! This is great, possibly my favorite poem by you. The words flow nicely and create a delicate mood full of passion and weight. Nothing like a lover to bring out the best in you. I found it interesting that you look for a "life better than this" and yet you are talking about a lover here. Perhaps it's not all paradise? A complicated and difficult feeling to express in poetry, yet you do so well here. Nicely woven together, man. Warm regards, Don	2004-05-01 08:56:16
Iraq in April	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, Sorry to bust your balls about the whole "write more, you can do it...I see more here" thing. Sometimes I just have a knack for it. I do truly see something in your writing. I wouldn't waste my time critiquing your poems if by doing so didn't make my eye a bit keener too. I'm benefiting from this. I do also intend to post more than the one poem I have on here so far, so don't worry, you'll have time to bust my chops too. Bring it on! Hopefully, when it's all said and done, we're published, etc, whatever your goals are with this crazy poetry writing thing. That said, let me reflect about this poem. Respectfully, I don't know that I share your whole perspective here on the war, but I do respect that you wrote this. I have not written a single poem about the war. My favorite line is: "God Is./Great if you can stomach/" and so on. Love it, love it. Great use of enjambment here. Lots of double and triple meanings if you read it differently wrapping the words around the line. For me, the ending isn't there yet. Sit on it, think it over, mull it over, crack a beer, or whatnot, and come back to it. Otherwise, a great piece here. Thanks for sharing it with us, and hanging it out there for me to shoot a dart at it with "Hey, when did you say you'd be revising this?" plastered all the hell all over it. There ya go. Regards, Don	2004-04-30 23:21:35
Down to the river	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, this poem is an interesting lesson. It took me a few reads to really get the whole Jesus coming to earth to baptize and that whole thing. But, it's very good, nonetheless. You're very subtle in the layers of your poetry and writing style. I like that. It's a great gift to use as a writer. I like that whole thing about wanting to leave our things behind. Very cathartic, like being baptized. Great analogy. I liked the use of uncircumsized tents...though I'm not sure why. I'm not saying it's a phallic thing, I just mean the whole idea of being clean or unclean and the argument that circumsision is of the heart not the flesh is a great area to touch on with this poem. Thanks for sharing this with us. I enjoyed the read! Regards, Don	2004-04-30 23:01:34
Demon	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, Flirting with what is considered evil, dangerous or reckless is certainly a risky business. Here you go back and forth between asking God to help you struggle with these feelings (or the main character if this isn't a personal account)of temptation, and deciding to take the plunge, the bait, the hook line and sinker. I'm not sure the repetitive phrases work for me. (Geez that sounded too American Idolesque!) I'm not feelin it dawg! Heh heh... guess you had to be there... perhaps not so many in such a short space of stanzas. try keeping only those that are critical, and see if you can edit the rest, or rewrite in those places? If I'm wrong here, obviously, take what you like and what is helpful and leave the rest. An interesting topic to reflect upon here with this poem. As a reader I want you to go further, go farther along the thesis here and carry it out to the end, see where else this goes. Is there more than the enticement, the temptation, the helpless begging God to help you out? I think there's more here...if you keep digging, you might find gold. This is a great start to a great poem. I'd like to see where it goes from here. Hope this helps! Regards, Don	2004-04-30 22:30:38
Instructions for My Burial	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, I only got the privilege of reading this one after searching for all poems. Too many people critiqued this one before I got to see it on the list. I absolutely LOVE this one! It's terribly witty, pokes fun at death and does it without being insulting, rather, you're entirely endearing with this one. Wow, wow, wow!!! You go, girl! I am so glad I came here today so I could read this and remember to take life a little less serious (at times) and to stop and smell the pinecones. Thank you so much for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-30 17:52:54
Blue Dragonfly - Revisited	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, I like this minor edit. It works well. I'd keep your corrections moving forward. A few things I have failed to mention in the last critique. I noticed a very steady metered beat in the words of the poem, line by line bobs like the dragonfly itself. A very excellent element that unifies and ties this whole poem together for me. Sorry I failed to mention it before. A question for you. I'm not sure I get the last line gramatically. Do you really mean to say splendor hunger? As in my splendor hunger? I want to read it as "splendid hunger," "my splendid hunger." So, perhaps there's something I'm reading wrong here? Can you please clarify that? I don't want to miss out on this ending to such a fine poem. Really, I appreciate your sharing both versions with us and I'm better to have read it. Regards, Don	2004-04-30 00:30:26
Blue Dragonfly	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, I love this lighthearted poem. It's very Mary Oliveresque. If you haven't read her, go out right now and get her pulitzer book! She is an observer as you are in this one. She goes on walks and writes amazingly powerful poems observing the things alive around her, and with them she leaps forward into a spiritual place and blows the reader away. She would be a good poet for you to read. I love "sleight toss of your head," you don't think of a dragonfly tossing its head. Wonderful. Yes, you start to get to the spiritual with this next line, were you placed here.... that's where you need to go here. I also like the hope of it staying longer, the fascination of brushing against something that could change you forever. You may have a couple of typos with "flickeringings" and "splendor." Do you mean "flickerings" and "splendid" hunger? Otherwise, a delightful read ,thanks! Regards, Don	2004-04-28 21:38:40
ABC's of Life	Mick Fraser	Dear Mick, Please know that I have a great deal of respect for you for several reasons. 1) you are a poet and you are writing and posting poems to share with others. 2) you take constructive criticism very well. 3) because you take criticism well, you will learn a lot and grow tremendously as a poet. Please keep that in mind if I'm too blunt in my critiques. I'm all about getting down to business and leaving the interpretation up to you. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. That's what my mom says. Okay, so I get the whole Streetcar references here. Is Blanche your main character of inference? I liked the Brando (as if stanley kuwalkski was simply an actor playing a part) and Stella (stella for star!) reference at the end. Very nicely done. Yeah, it was a bit prosey. I think the trick to using prosey poetry effectively, is to write the lines in a way that the reader has to do the work of interpreting meaning. Just make sure you don't spell it out too much for us, let us arrive at the ending ourselves. Some great voice and tension and mood here. I liked this one. Your details are great and very fine tuned. I would suggest going with one or the other on the first line, second stanza: either father and mother or dad and mom, not one of each. Otherwise, a good poem, and thank you for sharing it with us! Warm regards (looking forward to more of your poems!) Don	2004-04-27 11:58:57
How not to have you	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, A fine poem here. I enjoyed this one more than "Gone." I think you get a bit deeper here. There's more going on in your layers of meaning and it's more thoroughly complete. Very good work. I really enjoyed the sense of the main character here. I felt the voice and persona throughout the poem. Wonderful! In response to your feedback, I'd like to offer a simple example of a technique you can use when writing and/or revising a poem. Begin with an idea in the center of a page. Set an egg timer or microwave/oven timer and give yourself 3 to 5 minutes to do this exercise. Once you begin, write absolutely everything that pops in your mind down immediately somewhere on the paper. Don't try to make sense. Don't think too much about where it all goes. Just trust your instincts to write it down and then circle each word as you write it, and connect it (don't think too much) to some other word. Do this until you fill the page or go on the back. Go until the timer stops. Your page should look like a bizarre spiderweb of sorts. When the timer dings, go back to whatever word sticks out to you, that kinda gave you a shot of electricity as you wrote it. It may or may not have anything to do with the first word. Don't worry about that. Now, begin by circling the word over and over again, until a line of poetry using this word begins to formulate in your head. If you're not sure how to get this going, look at the words connected to this one, look at the words around this word. Then, write your first line and go from there. This process basically helps you to learn how to tap into your subconscious or unconscious mind. That's where the really meaty poetry is. Go there and visit, find your voice there, and keep writing. Let me know how this goes for you. I hope it helps. If not, let me know and I'll give you another technique to try. Warm regards, and keep writing and sharing your poetry here. Great job on this one, man. Don	2004-04-25 22:41:16
Learning to Fly	Mick Fraser	Mick, This one is a good start, a better effort I would say than the one about the whiskey drinking cat. You've got some good work going on here, aliteration is your friend, keep it. I'd cut out every unimportant word when you do a revision (example: change this "My hands are whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day" to this "My hands whirligigs spinning wildly on a windy day" and try this: "my spirits lifted--I am learning to fly." The idea is to create beats, like meter and rhyme without the meter and rhyme. Free verse is free, but there are ways to provide poetical structure that flesh it out, give it a pulse and make it bleed on the page for the reader.) I have a personal pet peeve with poems that use the title to give away the leap of the last line. You might consider finding some other aspect to bring out about the poem, the persona you created by the woman in the picture instead. Suggestion: "The threat that hangs on me like a wet shirt on a humid day" to The threat hangs on me, a wet shirt on a humid day" I'd like to see a revision of this one when you get a chance to post it here. I hope this helps. My intention here is to offer advice, not discourage you. Please keep writing and putting it out there. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-25 22:28:35
Creature Comforts	Mick Fraser	Mick, I see that you're a student poet, taking workshop. You've got a good start here, something on paper. You have begun to articulate it in a way that will eventually lead you to "good poetry." You've got a few layers of meaning going on through your poems. A light, simple language, not heavy with imagery, not particularly memorable as a poetic voice different from the masses, but something. What I suggest for you is that you continue to write and you read other poets. Reading is the first step if you're not already doing it. Read who you like and find who you like and read everything by them. For example, I read Robert Bly, James Wright, Rainer Maria Rilke, Mary Oliver and Rumi. Try those or others you like and see what it is about their poems that you like. Then, write poems as you are influenced by them. This will help you start to find your voice. As for this poem, I would say the title is trite, cliche. The content is repetitive, unmemorable, and it doesn't say much that hasn't been said in a new way before. What is the purpose of a poem? What is its job? Answer that, and then look again at this poem and see if you can find a few things to add or change. Please do keep posting and sharing your poems. Remember, it is a process. I've got poems I wrote once and never revised. I've got other poems I've revised literally hundreds of times over a period of over 15 years and I've only just been satisfied with them. So, keep writing and reading, and you will find what you are looking for. I hope this has helped. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-25 22:17:43
Gone	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, I like the melancholic mood of this piece, the vivid and picturesque imagery here. You've got a unique voice and flow. I haven't seen you on the Link until just now, so, nice to meet you through your writing. I'd like to see where else you might go with this. Do you intend to keep it simple and on the levels you're writing? Or, do you want to go deeper here? What else is going on here? I get the feeling (forgive me if I'm reading too much into this) that there's something else, some other place you were trying to get to with this one, but you relied instead on the mood and the visual imagery instead of going deeper. I'd like to challenge you to see if there's more there. Go for it, and share it with us if you do a revision. Thanks again for sharing your poem with us. I enjoyed it. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-18 22:51:09
Haiku:Glory	Valene L Johnson	Dear Valene, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your sharing this lovely haiku with us. I love how you use a different sense to personify the light (something you see) with whisper (something you hear very close and intimately). I presume you meant "strike" instead of "stike"? If so, you continue this theme with striking heart (touch) with the trumpets blaring (sound). I see the allusion to the rapture as well, the trumpet call for us to turn and come to our Lord. Yes, it is His love that won victory over death and will call us at that last trumpet call to see Him in His Glory, a deeper meaning with the title. Simply lovely, and a wonderful true statement of faith. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-18 22:30:41
An Atheistic Affermation of Faith	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, I didn't see the other version of this, but I think you've got something here worth working at. One of my better poems took hundreds (yes, literally!) of revisions and nearly a decade to perfect. The good ones are worth the time and patience to reach for the "aha" moment we are all looking for. Not sure if you're quite there yet, but this format works, the title is intriguing and the words work for me. I'd like to see you find a way to seperate the final word "void" where the whole piece rests. It's a bit crammed in with this draft under the 's' from 'others'. It also seems you're stopping short with the idea. Are you simply saying that you'll go ahead and live your life the way you want and then at the last minute call out to God for salvation (because you know you should but you don't want the authority?)...perhaps I'm reading too much into it. Something to think about. If possible, work towards completing the thought for the reader, or put it out there a bit more before dropping it all on 'void.' Regards, Don	2004-04-18 09:17:25
"I Don't Know"	DeniMari Z.	Dear DeniMari, This is the first I've read of you, so perhaps it's not a true picture of what you can do poetically, but I must say I quite admire your determination to force your hand to the page and overcome that writer's stymie of thought! Good for you. This poem, while at first glance seems simple, is quite a gem in the making. Perhaps there's something here to keep going with until it's something much more. I like the idea of "painting" with color to show the mood and feel that emotions provide. Although, I think a steely grey might lobby for position as the "I don't know" color, perhaps you've already got that one used as sadness, melancholy or some such. I love how you aliterate "that blank/blinkless/stare," simply marvelous! Some suggestions: after "every emotion/I feel,/-" I would remove the comma and just go with the hyphen, but move it up to end the "I feel" line. Likewise, with "you know,/but you don't." I would suggest a different form of punctuation than the comma. It just doesn't sit quite right for me. Everyone has their own preference, I guess. Go with what feels right for you, just take another look at that one for me. Finally, I would suggest you consider your ampersand. How much are you loving it where it's at? If you can live with a change to the "and" alternative, then go with that. Thanks for hearing out my thoughts on the subject. Hope you get over your block soon. I think you already have! Thanks for sharing your process as well as your triumphs here on the Link. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-15 22:08:23
Can I Be Jewish Too?	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, I liked the message of this poem, understanding a complexity that Paul often expounds upon in the New Testament, that Jesus is both Jewish (ethnically and spiritually) and brings in the new order of Christianity. So far, only Messianic Jewish believers fully grasp both the cultural and spiritual elements that are intended to be understood by us all. I have a Jewish New Testament, which includes things like the woman who grabs Jesus's robes and is bleeding badly, and his power goes out from him and she is healed. In the Jewish New Testament, she grabs onto his tzitzit, the four corners of his garments which have the special knots that spell out the name of the Lord in Hebrew. So, literally, she grabbed onto the name of the Lord. What a more vivid picture than what is seen in the whitewashed version of the New Testament that we have. All of those cultural elements are removed and renamed so we can "understand" it. I like how you laid this out with the short and long lines. It provides a nice tension felt through each short stanza. Including the correct terms allows the reader to feel the crisis as you feel it. That's very effective, well done. I love the reference to Peter who denied him three times. It makes me think of when he visits Peter in his resurrected state, and three times asks him to "feed his sheep," meaning the church. There's a strong message with this one. I can't recommend any changes for you. I think the point is made aptly, and it works well as you have it. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-15 20:56:07
Talking About It with My Dad	Thomas Edward Wright	Thomas, You've got an amazing gift as a writer. You're voice is well developed, casual, a man at a barstool (how appropriate!). I enjoy how you take these elements and bring them together "as if by accident," but filled with the intention and power of a seasoned poet. Wow. Stunning. A great job here of winding us through the experience, perceiving the scenario through your boyhood eyes, bonding with dad over the beatles and his work (a nice touch to show how he lets you into his world, his work), and this other work of life: facing death and trying to get our heads around it. Pow. You hit us with the power of this ending. I very much liked it. Don't change a thing. I loved the journey: look over here, then over there, then back over here, then BAM!! What I'm talking about here is DEATH! Luckily, you wrote it, and we've got a much better read than what I just wrote here, yapping about it. A wondeful read. Loved the poem. Keep 'em coming. Regards, Don	2004-04-14 07:23:30
What Old Men Struggle with at Times Like This	Thomas Edward Wright	Thomas, I get the sense you're intoxicated while musing about the holidays here. Not a bad thing, I might add, but it's rather revealing overall. I was quite amused by the whole, "what about the chocolate bunnies? They're friggin' people too!" sentiment. Quite a unique and different approach here which I enjoyed immensely. I'm guessing you're not one to go be first in line to see Gibson's movie, eh? Well, I think, all the same, you're still getting the gist of this holy day anyway, no matter what you're thinking about while rabbits get jiggy wit it in your back yard. Hey, at least you've got the free entertainment...don't think you're TV's doing much of that with all that blood. Regards, Don	2004-04-13 22:09:40
White, Fallow Worlds	C Arrownut	You've got a great start here. I like the direction this one is going in. You're right, it needs some work, but it's good, and worth revising until you get the 'aha' moment you're looking for. Only you can determine what that is, however. I would suggest a revision and an addition. I have inserted a few ideas throughout by copying the poem below and using brackets to show additions and deletions. I hope you can follow them, hope they're not unclear. Take them or leave them, I just went with a direction I might go with this one. Now, onto the deeper subject here. I like what you're touching on here, the fact that we all live right nearby, but we're content to be isolated, except when nature throws us something which forces us out of the shell. Okay, so go with that. I think you might have stopped short here. (So, maybe adding a stanza, or a few lines here and there?) We've all felt this before, but how can YOU say it better? What can you say about this that will make us all go, "wow, gee, I have thought about this before, but I haven't thought about THAT exactly...hmmm." That's the 'aha,' the leap, etc. Maybe brainstorm or cluster until you pull something out of your subconscious to get this one a level deeper. An excellent start, though, so keep fighting the good fight. I want to see this one finished! Once you do, please post it again and let me know. Hope this critique is more helpful than not. Thanks for sharing it with us. I've including my notes below. Warm Regards, Don _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Last night[,] beyond the control of science[,]the blizzard. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven[,] snow [adrift] to five feet. Massive mounds covered[ing] cars, all glistened[ing] in the glare and angels of white linked all. [add space] Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood [out] shoveling together, piled flakes[new word here] ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilt[delete space] the impenetrable walls [move this, lengthen line to same as above]between us. [add space] Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds.	2004-04-13 13:12:38
Elena,her Ninja,and Chernobyl	Michael Bird	Michael, I can definitely see what you mean by being a hopeless romantic. Heh heh, it comes through loud and clear in this poem. As loud as Elena's motorcycle. Elena is an interesting character. She makes the reader of your poem want to know more about her. As you revise this poem, I suggest you begin by going through the poem and working on painting a very sharp and clear picture of her. I would go back and make sure that each time you refer to Elena, you reveal something new about her. So me mannerisms, characterization, personality, quirks or ticks (things people do without realizing--scratching her ear, rubbing her eyes, fixing her lipstick, etc.) Once you have a good solid revision of Elena, the rest of the poem will flow nicely into the deeper and more profound focus, which is Chernobyl. Along that road, you'll also touch on the Ninja, but that goes without saying. The ending of this poem was the most profound for me. So, I would suggest that you work towards the power of this ending, so that you have the most "punch" for both the characterization of Elena and the weight of those who were lost by what happened in Chernobyl. Another suggestion I have for you is to create and revise the metaphors you've used in a few places. For example, "faster than a speeding bullet," and "like a bat out of hell," should be revised into something that is not a cliche (which these are) and to something that helps the reader understand your meaning even better, or develops your Elena character better, or that puts more weight and substance behind the powerful ending. A very unique and special poem. Thank you for sharing this with us, Michael. I hope you'll consider sharing other poems here as well. You've got a very unique voice and talent for bringing things together. A great effort, my friend. Warm Regards, Don	2004-04-13 12:46:54
with a tranquil passion burning	zen sutherland	Zen, You are a true poet. A poet is one who carefully observes things around himself/herself (sorry, no bio, no idea whether you're male or female! ;) and then uses the tools of poetry, like carefully crafted imagery and shows the reader exactly what he/she observed. You've done that here. A marvelous poem to read and peel back layers... "until I notice an unfolding/like a flower or a soul expanding," is an excellent example of such a carefully crafted image. How well you describe the moment someone awakes, stirs, or moves in sleep. You convey anticipation, passion (of course) and a special connection with the sleeping person. "and I see sheer delicate lines/the same way spider webs are lit/by summers backlight--/the lines of the universe," is exquisite and astounding. You tie sheer with spider webs, and then the invisible yet tangible lines which connect us and bond us together. Breathtaking! Make sure you correct your punctuation on "by summer's backlight," not "summers backlight." The same with "mother's" not "mothers" in the next stanza. Watch your possessives. I love how you peel this back by a reflection or flashback in your mind to show how a mother's love is similar...there's that connection there, even when she's not around. I see what you're getting at here: that connection felt (the tranquil passion burning) from someone so profoundly that whether they're sleeping before you, or you are far away, you still feel the tug of the cords of connectedness (I am guessing this is something spiritual, or at least something beyond the physical) with that person. A beautifully done picture. Thank you for sharing this one with us. Hope to see more from you on the link! Regards, Don	2004-04-13 12:27:47
Night Moves	Lynda G Smith	Lynda, Wow, you throw a one two punch here, literally! The way you lay out the stanzas looks very much like two clenched fists (which you carefully wait to reveal at the end) and the puff of clouds above (which you allude to in the first stanza). Very nicely done! You pack each line with such weight by jamming in as much action and force with your words. Does night "shoot" light? The personification of night is so strong throughout. Night gets so involved in what is said directly (the description of night and nature) and indirectly (the fighting and quarreling taking place below) that is ends up beaten up and bruised in the crossfire. Wow. This creates a powerful picture of a woman standing on her front porch, feeling the truth in a moment of pain after a fight, gasping for air, searching for meaning behind it all. I love how you allude to the process a cloud has (being charged) to the point of rain or storm. This is paralleled by the main subject of the poem, perhaps the person standing out on the front porch? "Trick of mind" hints at "trickle" or the morning dew. As if the storm disipated into the frosting of the grass and flowers, but failed to burst fully into a thunderstorm. The pulse here is truly entwined in the other fight referenced here but doesn't completely tell what happened in the fight itself. And, I don't think your intention was to go beyond what you say here. What you say in two stanzas is what you sensed when standing on the porch. That's why the poem was written. The curious side of me wants to know more, but what you have here is a treat. Thank you for sharing this with us! I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-13 08:15:25
Passion's Pardon	Andrea M. Taylor	This haiku is such a picture to me. I admit I'm influenced by the word "passion" in the title...nowadays I'm seeing that as an allusion to Gibson's "Passion of the Christ." If you've seen the movie, you'll get this more deeply, and so as not to give away a plot point, I'll be purposely vague: There is a scene which is in flashback, referencing the woman who was about to be stoned and Jesus bent down and wrote in the dirt. No one knows what he wrote, but it led the people to drop their stones and not stone the woman. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." To the woman, he said, "Woman, has no one condemned you this day? Then neither do I condemn you." I hope I am not presuming to think this is the correlation and parallel you wish the reader to make? The tension in the word "outstretched" is in seeing beyond an invitation for a hug or embrace, but seeing Christ on the cross, crucified, arm pulled out of socket. Now, that's love. "Beyond humanity" correlates to the conquering of sin and death as Jesus spent the days he was dead in hell, defeating his enemies (Satan, Death, Sin). The last line holds a lot of weight for me. Yes, he saved us all, he took all our sin, even the sins of those who did not and will not accept his free gift of salvation. The aliteration is nice here, the 's' sound is appropriate, smacks of satan, sin, salvation, seeking, and all the words which are magnetically linked to the few words you use here. Very profound. Thank you for sharing it with us. Warm regards, Don	2004-04-11 22:42:24
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