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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jane A Day	Critique Date
a curious merriment	Rachel F. Spinoza	Dear Rachel, I like this portrait very much. The images of the first stanza are compelling. she could be blithe (old fashioned word-I love it-I wonder if you could give an example of this action. in a hospice stinking (here I think borth here and the hopice stink--so I think she is the one who is sick with gardenias I love the images but I ge a little confused) could liven an interment (I think Japanesse interment just to let you know at first lol) make the priest chortle at the urn and the mourners hurt themselves (enjamabement works wonderfully here making them mourns the objest and then the subject) to keep from laughing out loud The second stanza is maybe my favortie becausey ou give her a voice of her own rather than making her an object. I might suggest starting with this stanza--empowering her. it seems unseemly, she said, to cower completely (nice alliteration) to grief while the meadow is, after all, alive in its own juices and it is still summer enough to swim Lovely natural images but telling and orgnial In the third stanza, I am curious why the I enteres in? What is the I's role? Fear or hope to become her? If so this realtionship might need another stanza to explore it. I wonder if the word irrevant can be embedded in the poem rther than named. The personfication of emotion here is lovely. i guess that seemed irreverent so she stopped being invited to bedsides and funerals but she dressed as a clown and went anyway until the cops came and dragged her away spilling joy in the foyer trickling mirth on the stairs There is alot to dream on here. Thank you, Jane	2003-10-16 12:26:39
Splendor in the Pages of a Book	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, This is a fun dance in honor of your grandfather and in honor of words. It is playful and use twist of language like inolualtion. It maintains its candence engaging the listener with a childhood rhythm. Domains is a little strange on my ear. Thanks for the fun, Jane	2003-10-02 14:23:37
Sweet, Sweet Music	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, I love the bee bop of this poem. Some of the line breaks distract me and the enjambments seem a little off. go at at their on New I like each line to mean of itself. But overall it is my pleasure to read of singing ants and stones. I love the meter you have chosen as well. Jane	2003-10-02 14:19:18
When Small Frogs Seem to Disappear	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, I know this great short story by who I can't remember of these two frogs living in the sinks of a campground bathroom. Your poem puts instantly back inside that story with them peeping up from the drains. I love the physical movements captured in this poem. Anyone who has ever held a frog (I have held my share) can really feel the bop bop of the frog's snout and legs. While the prince reference brings a levity to the poem, I wonder if that allusion is so much a part of our cultural that you don't have to directly call it out but simply infer it with something like-- Should I kiss him? That would seem to give you more room for language play and keep the levity. Wondering in a poem is always a great move--it poems it up-- I wonder if there is a third thing he could be after the prince and before the announcer--something uniquely from your voice. Then to autumn. I think would really turn the poem and make it glimmer fully like the jewel it is. Thanks you so much, Jane	2003-10-02 14:10:42
Between the Wind and the Song of Calling Geese	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, I see the speaker here as very much a part of nature but longing to be even more embbedded. This is a lovely converstion with the creator and also such wonderful tribute to fall. And your images woo mama they are lushious. a wine-red and gold altar cloth I love the singlur line of your grace. I love the scientific mic of language (remainder frogs) with the more romantic imgages (Between the wind) Such graceful A poem to reread. Jane	2003-10-02 14:02:50
Translation	carole j mennie	Dear Carole, Having lost my mother and having turned to poetry to think through the complex emotion such a deather brings, I am always moved by poems that explore these questions with a care and attention to language. You have many lovely touches in the poem--Tiffany wings.green-leafed sanctuary. perfumed language, machine-clipped lawn. At times there is a ghost meter in the poem. I always like to play with my work. It might be interesting to put the in meter or in syllabics and see what new doors are opened. The title tells us how to read the poem. But who is translating who? Thanks so much for sharing, Jane	2003-10-01 10:37:43
Echoes From The Sea	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, I have read some Heaney and liked him well but never with the deep returning he breathes in you. You love him so well--I thought I should really revisit him. Stop by. : ) I found a nice website that has recordings of his work. He uses such a strech of language and I am always moved by his innerward voice that turns to look at the self as carefully as those without. He turns a poem on it head over and over. I love that. "Personal Helicon" is just a wonderful example of this and also an endearing exploration of why we write. Your poem caputes the hard syllable count of his work and the vibation of line endings. And of course your own voice rolls through. After the storm, winds scour the sky to lapis and along the shoreline, quiet voices of the dead blow out to sea. Ancient people believed that drowned souls lived on (do you need the that?) in seals and in this eldritch stretch of seascape, anything seems possible. Bruised moss on scattered stones marks the passage of others before me and I feel a need to follow the melody of souls (I am not sure you need "souls" here as something else might lead us to deeper detail) to the deep. Rising sea-sighs lure as surely as smells of sea asphodels. Soon I sense an increasing gravity I like very much the returning to the seals and the joy of your wading into language. Thanks again, Jane	2003-09-29 21:07:39
When Trees in Fall Begin to Spill Their Colors	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, Here sits a wonderful Fall poem. I love the couplet of the pheasants so much I would want you to start with it. It is so exact. Then the rippling of the garden pond to give us a sense of the season. I like the ideas of the third stanza but all the other birds are so names these anonymous birds seem out of place. Shy doves? The loveliness of the poem resides in the color of each bird's feathers. Who is plucky? The next two stanza are so pretty and thoughtful. I love the warbler stealing the green from the trees. I like basking in this poem. Jane	2003-09-29 00:21:10
Hamburg Haiku	Michael J. Cluff	Dear Micheal, The trilling here matches the noise of the train arriving. I wish the third stanza could somehow echo this warning mourning sound too. Always a pleasure, Jane	2003-09-29 00:13:56
japanese verse 26 (Camel)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Erzahl, This is just lovely. Being from the dessert, I am not thrilled with the idea of "barren" but ; ) I love how you have made home carry the hills. Even without the title, I would know. so good. Jane	2003-09-29 00:11:35
Lunar Spoofs	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, And finnaly, I get to a Joanne poem!!! I like very much what you are doing here with the phases of the moon. New moon wearing your veil to stir oyster beds, rouse your sea children from sleep I love ther personfication here. I can really see her reaching down. I like also seeing pearls as little moons in the sea. Crescent moon slice pieces of night, cut silver slivers for ghost trees to devour. I like the idea you capture here that the moon can be hidden behind the scrawniest of trees. Silver slivers is a bit hard on my ear. Half and half moon-- make up your mind-- are you in or out of the mood tonight? The word play here is fun. First I think of fake cream and then Moon moodiness. Three-quarter moon busy with laundry, pinning up sheets rinsed in your next-to-last spin Coming into this section we still have the images of white--sheets in the wind--but now the moon is more domestic female. Full moon -- oh! Renounce your changeling sisters for fooling us with put-on phases. As the title, hints this is fun. I always like your short or long lines but because you are bound to this waxing and waning structure. I have this aching desire for you to really "go off". Really meditate. It is not needed really but I do see that oppurtunity in this poem. I love oppertunity. Myself started to obbessed on who that darn Moon Goddess was found this website. I don't think any of these ladies is at all needed in your poem but I could resist sharing. http://www.eternal-moon.org/goddess.html	2003-09-29 00:09:06
Haiku - untitled	Andrea M. Taylor	Dear Andrea, Thanks so much. Abound is such a lovely and fun word. Jane	2003-09-28 23:55:47
Untitled	Andrea M. Taylor	Dear Andrea, Maybe Caterpillar(s) walk I just love dijointed ripples. Its so great. Onward is a little off to me and because the haiky is so charming I want mroe from that last line. Thank you so much for this image. Jane	2003-09-25 17:35:29
Untitled	Claire H. Currier	Dear Claire, The opening lines are a lovely contemplation When wrinkles are joined Your eyes still shining brightly Think if the last lone returned to a concrete natural image rather that abstract ideas you would have a real gem here. what image can capture you ideas? Jane	2003-09-25 17:28:26
Tempest Fugue	Rachel F. Spinoza	Dear Rachel, Oh, Mermaid! Splat! sure does add a silliness to this poem. Hee. I will carry you ashore, resuscitate you, until you undulate in sea rhythms and become salted to my taste So sexy. A very fun poem. I hear a husky voice. Jane	2003-09-25 17:23:00
Perfumery (Tanka)	carole j mennie	Dear C, Skunk? I love the skunk. I like the use of the mild gaze. Odorifious, while funny, sees a little wieghy for the sweet pawed guy. Thanks so much, Jane	2003-09-24 21:47:07
A Theory of Composition	C Arrownut	Dear C, Poems like this are challenging. One of the challenge sis to go beyond the mechanics of the form. That is the challenge of all formal work be it a sonnet or a piece using a form such as this. The drumming of the fingers is a nice rhyme and "gluing" device for the poem. I also like the engagement with language in the following lines. The wall's freckled The wall's creamed Um de dum de dum Up's blanched Down's mud Um de dum I wish for a little more this language play. Opening with Connery gives the poem a dry, arched humor. I would like the end of the poem to return to this kind of play. It hints at it. Poets secretly and un secretly love science and scientists secretly and un secretly love poetry. Both capture minute observations of the world. Also, so much of each is about the invention of language or precise language. Jorie Graham being deeply in the questions of physics in her book "Dream of the United Field" Thanks for sharing, Jane	2003-09-24 21:13:56
The Wall	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, She's not a languish-in- anguish type but the scent of him made her pure verb. Squared the circle. These lines are so good. The rest of the lines are not as tight or as riveting. I wonder by using the rhythm and direction of these lines as a guide, if you could use them to continue this great idea you start here. Thanks so much, Jane	2003-09-24 21:00:43
Silhouette	Andrea M. Taylor	Dear Andrea, You open iwth a nice image. We have seen this tree before but what will you do with it. The next line or thought has been examined many times? What else could you say that would show us the tree's wisdon and let us see the world anew? Thanks so much, Jane	2003-09-24 20:57:30
Leaping Lizard	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, I wonder if there is another more tangible word that would imply psychotic giving the reader more room to really see you lizard. Then, the landing in the same place is a fun and thoughtful ending. Jane	2003-09-24 20:54:38
Eagles (Tanka)	carole j mennie	C, The opening is lovely to mediate on. I like the play of pinion and opinion very much. I like the inside view of what eagles do. The young brave and the shriveled hand in the next section allude me somehow. What makes a brave old? Why does his hand grow old. Book reading instead of sky reading, I see. Interesting that both of the eagles here are male. Thanks so much, Jane	2003-09-24 20:49:48
Traffic Light	C Arrownut	C, I think the poem could be strengthened if you kept it as a straight metaphor and left out the like of simile.--like a traffic light of insanity.-- I think you can show the reader this connection better. I am unclear on "insanity" and exactly what that means through out the poem. Could you gives some concrete language. The opening image is engaging but I then get lost about what is being compared. Thanks so much for sharing, J	2003-09-24 20:44:38
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jane A Day	Critique Date

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