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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Mark Andrew Hislop	Critique Date
Images	Thomas H. Smihula	Dear Thomas This is full of questions the way a gem is full of refractions, the difference being the sense that whichever way you answer your questions, you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. A sense that is familiar to anyone who starts asking serious questions: it often seems we end up in quicksand. If I could suggest one thing (and I know this might seem inconsequential) it would be to set your poem in a more standard font, non-italicised. This font is not very easy on the eyes, and because it looks less readable, I think it's likely to encourage less readership. Once I battled with the font, though, I found this an intriguing read. Best wishes Mark	2008-09-24 19:36:01
Oppenheimer's Lament	Gene Dixon	Dear Gene This is not one to pick apart. From start to finish it reads "like a moment's thought"...the evidence of hard work. The philosophy is eloquent, restrained, and dignified. Best wishes Mark	2008-09-22 20:41:37
Simple Truth	James C. Horak	JCH I wrote Economics quite independently of this. Funny how our themes match up. MAH	2008-09-22 20:33:17
Summers End	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza How to get sick of your sonnets when they are getting better all the time? Eliot measured his life out in coffee spoons--which I've always taken to be teaspoons, hence smaller than your spoons so you're some kind of an advance on Prufrock... but are tablespoons more generous or more wastrel?? Either way, they strike me as less hopeful, which suits this. Rather nice imagery here: "shadows...creep and slide", "winter's...fist keeps tight the door." MAH	2008-09-22 20:32:25
Sunrise to Sunset	Thomas H. Smihula	Thomas Nice work. Full of vivid imagery. Best wishes Mark	2008-01-07 02:20:27
Tears in December	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza This is so delicate and wistful, melancholy without melodrama. I love "his fingers/would melt against the glass/and trace my name". The memory of the one we love ... Saying more would be superfluous. But I'll say this: This is beautiful. Hugs to you Mark	2007-12-22 18:29:27
Had I Apprenticed	James C. Horak	JCH This is elegiac and moving, and at its best in S3 and S4. "The corona of the sun is/my shore" widens the scope of this poem considerably, as does "Where I become the depth/oceans hide/And the embrace of all those/that have died." These are impressive lines. It feels to me, however, that the power of this poem, building as it does through S1-4, fizzles out in the didacticism of S5. "Goodness" as an idea seems to appear (in the overall context of the poem) apropos of nothing. The stanza is not without merit in its own right, but in my view it compromises the experiential height reached by the end S4. Best always, MAH	2007-12-18 18:41:45
Do They Make Midoz for Men?	James C. Horak	JCH This is a bit too clever for me. I suspect you had an overpowering urge to write in Q&A format, and simply had to get it out of your system! MAH	2007-06-05 03:32:04
No	Dellena Rovito	Dellena Nice, thoughtful piece. The multiple periods on the last line ... on my initial reading I felt it weakens the effect. But if you have deliberately aimed for that then it adds an intriguing overlay ... "I can say no again, really I can!" Almost like the lady doth protest too much, revealing her actual uncertainty as to whether she COULD actually say no again so easily. Best wishes Mark	2007-06-03 18:34:32
Teton haiku revised	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza, See my crit for the other "version". The same thoughts apply. But of the two, I prefer this one. Best Mark	2007-06-03 18:29:01
tetons (haiku)	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza I think there is sufficient difference between this and the revised version to regard them as separate, stand-alone poems. The revision seems to take a different subject to this one. It's more in keeping with Eric Satie's "Three Gymnopedies", which have been likened to three different views of one statue. I think that's what you have with this and your revision: the revision is not an "improved" version, it is a different picture of the same object taken from a different angle ... worthy, therefore, of a different title. Both are lovely encapsulations. Mark	2007-06-03 18:23:20
A Moment's Day	James C. Horak	JCH How simple things expand into seeming eternal. Or at least, calling to be eternalised. The line "love on a supper plate" is risky: seems a bit of a come-down from the peak... ...unless, of course, it is the much-anticipated denouement to the otherwise marvellous day. MAH	2007-05-15 20:02:50
The Quisling	Gene Dixon	Gene A highly crafted sonnet in what reminds me of the style of Alexander Pope: cuttingly personal. If a specific person is targetted here, they should feel entirely chastened. "And some, quite conscientiously, are bought" is as taut an encapsulation of the mode of personal corruption that it should become someone's epitaph and hung in a very public space. Mind you, at a very cynical stretch, one could legitimately hang it over the grave of the entire, sadly all-too-credulous, body politic. Nice one. Best wishes Mark	2007-04-29 18:41:02
Sorceress	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza I keep being struck by your new inventions. This is punctuated with startling expressions: "Her light persuades/over the brow of earth,/nudging shade from corridors", and "no rain erases blue this blue". These seem to me to be fresh and original turns of phrases. I'd like to see you keep more of that intensity and compactness in stanzas 2 through 5, but that is of course a bit idiosyncratic of me. Or dogmatic? I find it so hard to tell. Lotsa MAH	2007-04-08 22:52:52
Splendor	James C. Horak	JCH Forgive me yet another inadequate response ... I won't flatter myself to call it a critique. It's fitting that you dedicate this to Lewis, since it is as hopeful a poem as Lewis himself. It's a lovely reminder that, if I do not draw too long a bow, that the humblenesses of our existence are doorways to splendour. This reminds me of Blake: "drinking/the dirt of wonder as if it wasn't even a start, a start to stars of burning dirt", his "universe in a grain of sand". "Start with what you have, where you are" is the message, "the kingdom of heaven is within you." Or to quote you, "We are faulty, stumbling, hasty and sad, but desperately not alone". How apt for this site. And how encouraging: that's you in a nutshell. Best always, MAH	2007-04-08 22:39:51
lost	charles r pitts	charles yep. this is life. sucks but hey. mark	2007-04-07 08:56:04
Taken at the Touch	James C. Horak	Jimbo I'm gonna talk in generalities. Reading this I feel like you've brought me to look through a window, only to find it's been smeared with petroleum jelly. And thus I HAVE to talk in generalities because everything here is so indistinct. Until we get to what seems to be "the point," that is the cradle for, "the-one-not-yet-found". And even then, look at that construction: utterly indistinct. All we know is that they are "not found". Perhaps this is in keeping with what you're trying to convey, a lust that you can only describe negatively, i.e. you know what it is "not", but you can't quite put your finger on what it IS, and you're not even convinced you'd offer it a bed ("the bed I MIGHT offer"). Nope. This leaves me with many more questions than answers. Questions I'm not convinced I need answers for. MAH	2007-02-21 06:58:48
haiku	charles r pitts	Charles Love the poem, hate the title. You should've called it "Jewel", since haiku is not only "incorrect" but adds nothing but a distracting reminder that this is NOT a haiku, and "jewel" sits there doing diddly squat so could have served a better purpose as a title. This is really nit-picky, I know. Oh well. But I know, I know, it's a haiku structure in each stanza. Well, I suppose if it's good enogh for Shakespeare to call a sonnet "Sonnet #x" then who am I to complain. But it's redundant. Other than that ... ? Loved the poem. Nice and fresh and light and, dammit, I know just what you mean. Best wishes Mark.	2007-02-21 06:42:02
MY CLOWN	Monica ONeill	Monica I knew Arnie only by our exchanges here. We often said "Let's get together an have a food chat over a coffee ... a bit of a trick for me, since I live in Australia. He struck a chord with me, and I had a lot of time for him. I'm genuinely sorry we never got to meet ... in this life. He had a good heart. We weren't what you'd call "super close", but we were friendly and I miss him. I was very surprised and saddened to hear of his passing. My condolences to you. Mark	2007-02-16 03:02:47
WASP	James C. Horak	JCH I've seen this poem commented on in the forum, and for all the wrong reasons. The right reasons, in my workman-ish view, can only have to do with two things: the sentiment, and its manner of expression. The latter is always of more importance to me, because manner of expression can turn the mercy killing of a diseased rabbit (see Philip Larkin's 'Myxomatosis') into a scene of beauty. But we've been down that path a billion times. In this case, I don't think the poem is a structurally sound and appealing as your best. But I don't think that is the point of the poem, and your end note makes that clear. The point of the poem is its sentiment. Unfortunately, I happen to be one of the guilt-ridden ones, and I cannot take comfort from this poem. I'll tell you why: on 26 January, it is our national day, Australia Day. In the car with my family the other day, speaking about the road closures for the "celebrations" to be held in the CBD, I said, "They should be more honest and just call it 'White Australia Day', because the aborigines sure as hell have nothing to celebrate." We have some of the worst human wellbeing indices in the world for our indigenous people. I'll stop feeling guilty when my country treks onwards WITH the aborigines, not OVER them. I hope you know what I'm saying. It's not a criticism of your poem, because I can see a case for eliminating guilt. But the first step for us, by whom I mean WASP Australians, is to take responsibility and action in respect of the people whose land we have usurped. MAH	2007-01-23 20:37:18
Oh, But He Ticked Me Off!	James C. Horak	JCH Funny, I remember that croc incident and the furour it raised in Aus. I was one of the few at the time who said "Hey, this guy is a professional, raised around these creatures. Do you REALLY think he'd risk the life of his own child?" Meanwhile, the rest of Australia got off on its righteous indignation. The thing that struck me about his death was that it was around creatures - and in an environment - with which he was NOT familiar. Shame. He is sorely missed. And it has amazed me throughout the time since his death how much his passing struck a nerve in the US. Aussies aren't known for their polish. But Steve would been happy to read this, polished or not. MAH	2006-12-25 08:26:37
This Evil Companion	Ellen K Lewis	Hi Ellen This poem suggests a change of perspective about depression over the passage of time. There's almost a nursery rhyme quality to this that is quite disarming, something akin to "Ring a ring o'Rosies, A pocket full of posies, A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down" ... the child's seemingly flippant rhyme about the rather serious Black Death. Having been through depression, I know the territory. And because of that, I think this is an effective style in which to write about it. It's very hard to write about it while IN it without being hideously maudlin... ..which makes this a very refreshing change. Best wishes Mark	2006-11-29 16:30:50
Falls Are Bronze and Gray	Thomas Edward Wright	TEW If I mishandle this delicate specimen, I'll kill it. Hooray. A live one. At last. MAH	2006-11-28 00:12:49
All Hallows Eve	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Hi Paul I think all referenda should be voted on only by children. You know, like "Should we stop dumping wheat in the ocean and just give it to poor countries?" and "Should we stop global warming before a whole lot of people drown?" Ah, what a wonderful world it would be ... Was it ALL by your 4-y-o, or only the "boo" bit? Whatever, it's a lovely poem. Best wishes, Mark	2006-11-23 01:20:23
The Drilling Stage	Ellen K Lewis	Dear Ellen Evidently I have missed part one, but I was engrossed by part two. You tell the story very well. It comes across almost like you're recounting a dream ... but then I supposed that's how the past always tends to look, like we're not quite sure whether it happened or not, or how. If this was a real event, it sounds horrible ... ... but fascinating, in a horror-story kind of way. Best wishes Mark	2006-11-23 01:14:51
Walking to Find the Woodpecker	James C. Horak	JCH Ah, the stories this would tell if only we knew who it was talking about. No doubt the person is a wanker of some variety. There but the for the grace of god ... ... or such is the hope. MAH	2006-11-22 18:03:29
Sunday Morning Scene	Teresa Green	Dear Teresa I must learn to read more closely. As I got to the last stanza I thought, gee, this sounds like a lazy Sunday morning ... ... and then I re-read the title. Doh! I guess that's my way of saying that your poem is faithful to its intention, and effective to boot. Best wishes Mark	2006-11-22 17:54:35
Ready?	marilyn terwilleger	So, Mazza in a pensive mood ... ... works for me. Probably because I expect to be one of those scrabbling for the key at the last second. Dash it all, I feel like I've been outed. M xx	2006-11-22 17:52:25
Did the Aussies Reject Henry Fielding?	James C. Horak	JCH Well if that's not a personal challenge, what is? I can say with certainty that Aussies did NOT reject Henry Fielding, for the simple reason that they'd never heard of the little fucker. Dramatist and novelist, was he? Don't have much use for that shit in the antipodes. It's not the library that's visited when the Aussie male gets bored, it's the sheep shed. Whatever printed matter we do encounter is recycled in the outhouse. Please revise your views of Australians accordingly. MAH :)	2006-11-22 17:45:14
About Love	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza dearest You lift me up, oh-o ... ... but not this time, sweety. Structure, rhyme ... yep, good things. But look, overall I'm gonna have to use a nasty word, one that I'd prefer not to, but it is the only one that sums up the case. This is cliched, Mazza girl, from top to bottom. The one thing that sounds new is 'dispetal', which is a nice coinage. But other than that ... See what happens when you write something like "Whispers"? You set the bar for yourself pretty high! Hugs Mark.	2006-10-22 19:23:25
Illusionary	Dellena Rovito	Dellena I love the ideas here. I also am a big fan of form, and your structure here is great: you do the slant rhyme thing really well. However (you knew there'd be a 'however', didn't you??) I think you've let yourself down here with the scansion. It's really bumpy from S1L3 onwards. I think that's a shame because you've taken on a modern issue with essentially modern diction but it's just a little less lilting than it should be ... and that here is a function of the way the lines scan. Best as always Mark	2006-10-22 19:15:35
a fire of yes	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Jo It's been a long time ... This is full of your usual deft imagery. Fascinating how you've done it. On the first pass, it's like a landscape painting in a gallery, almost static. On the second, closer pass, parts of the painting are actually moving. It's like a living piece of memory. Nice. Regards, Mark.	2006-10-18 19:58:07
The World's Last Heartbeat	James C. Horak	JCH I recently stumbled across a quote from PD Ouspensky which hit a nerve: "It is only when we realise that life is taking us nowhere that it begins to have meaning." I thought, fuck, he's right. And so are you: "It is, in the lost sanctity of life we would protect from a fiend." Yep, there's the means and purpose, combined. But one must first clearly see that sanctity has been lost (perhaps 'stolen' is more apposite) to have the ground to stand on from which to respond. In a world/universe/whatever into which evil has introjected itself, good must arise in response. I toy with the idea that that is just plain cause-and-effect, rather than a necessity imposed on Good, in the sense that shadows can only arise in the presence of light. Yes, the means ARE at hand. The reason people despair, I think, is because their eyes are not yet fully adjusted to reality to be able to see the means that are already at their disposal. MAH	2006-10-18 19:36:41
Whispers	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza I tell you, one thing good about taking a long time between reads is seeing how someone's writing develops. I swear I see developments in you. Your last line is a corker. NOT in its own right but in its relationship to the entire poem. From a poem of spooky animated owls and whispers that somehow sentiently see you, "Like my own last breath" wrenchs the camera angle around: we're no longer looking at a "spooky place", but at a vision of apprehensions of human mortality. What more potent portent of the "spooky place" of death than one's one last breath? Damn, I don't even know if that's your intention, but that's how it reads. That one line entirely changed the character of the read. Like dousing it with rocket fuel and hitting it with a lit match. Sent shivers up my spine. Mark.	2006-10-18 19:25:30
Trust More Than Anything	Duane R Botzek	Hi Duane While this sounds like it is written for someone else, I get the feeling it is as much a song to your own wounded self as to anyone else's. It's very gentle and forgiving. Nicely done. Best wishes, Mark	2006-10-18 19:14:51
Dazzled Insights	James C. Horak	JCH Highly evocative. And really, what more can I say? Reading this was almost like being there. MAH	2006-10-17 18:11:29
The Cellar	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza If not for your note, I was happily (?) thinking was about an abusive spouse. Again I have to note an increased depth and complexity to your work, which I really enjoy. Good to see you pandering to the demands of your audience :) . This line jarred, however "yesterday he struck for another ilk". It's the kind of line that, I feel, one would like to keep because it has an interesting cadence to it, but what appears to me to be a lack of "sense" overpowers its utility as a "nice line." "Staggered footsteps" (as oposed to "staggering") however is very nice, as it unexpectedly implies an intentionality to the behaviour which tries to pass itself off as randomness and unpredictability. Two other lines seem to me need some tweaking: "as I wonder what he really expects" and "and dolefully think of tomorrow with dread" ... they are both a bit "ordinary". I'd suggest playing with the diction to play up the sense, in contrast with my feelings about "yesterday he struck for another ilk", which seems to need playing with the sense to play up the diction. Sorry if I sound picky. Overall I realy like it, but think it would benefit from some tweaking. Lotsa MAH	2006-08-28 20:39:23
Neighborhood Watch	Fowler Trask	Hi Fowler Good to have as fresh a voice as yours here. I've read your other pieces and there's a gritty charm to all of them. In this case, it's bleak but real. Welcome to TPL, and I hope you hang around. Mark	2006-08-04 10:32:22
My Love For You	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza This is such a technical improvement on the one we worked on together, all those moons ago. You actually have the FEEL now for iambic pentameter, don't you? This is indeed a sonnet to be proud of. Nits: 1. You should substitute "heav'n" for "heaven" in L4. Most readers would scud over the extra syllable as it stands, but the contraction ensures that no-one can make a mistake. Later in the poem you use the contraction "o'er", so you'd only be being consistent with yourself. 2. While you would make the line "more iambic" by adding "and" to the start of L5's "If I lose my way", I don't actually believe that it is an error to leave it out. It's possible to see this as the substitution of an unvoiced syllable ... in other words, although L5 has 9 syllables, it still fits the iambic pentameter and is a nice variation. 3. NOT SO for L9 "Just as melancholy...". That's just a howler!! Fix it, baby. 4. There is no 4. Lovely work Mazza, Hugs M.	2006-07-06 19:07:59
A Spot On The Prairie	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza Lovely imagery here. I enjoyed this. Hugs Mark	2006-07-04 18:47:01
Temper's Song	hello haveaniceday	Barbara "Halma habitué"? Do you play, or only watch from the gallery? Top to bottom, this is a dud. The overworked alliteration -- indeed, even the strict meter -- offers the appearance of a poem, but all it really does is cloak the absence of meaning. Eg: "Mornings miss mastery/Fair flights too far to see/Agates and scapolite" and "Guess grieving gives a gift/Humbled as heavens lift/Auras and Occamy" What the...? It could of course be a cipher. But the average reader is not from the CIA. Mark	2006-07-02 17:25:52
Tending Mr. Dark	James C. Horak	JCH This could almost be your personal manifesto. You're good at zeroing in on the tendency of people to smile while covertly attempting to sap someone's life force. Highly reminiscent of life on the TPL forum. Well, perhaps not "highly reminscent", but there are similiarities. "Until I am wearied of all things owned": I like that. Even the most resilient of us are apt to be ground down over time. Keep braving the darkness, buddy. MAH	2006-06-25 19:52:27
A Poet's Dilemma	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza I am so sorry I missed this in May. This is really something. Something out of the ordinary for you. Almost as if I can see you more clearly for seeing you in the midst of the struggle with/for/against words, words, words. This is a rich vein you have started to mine. Give up on the lists of things you believe in. Give us more of these things that are less certain. Lotsa Mark	2006-06-19 10:32:25
I Believe	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza Much as I love you ... ... goddamn it, you've written (very nicely, of course) The List of Things I No Longer Believe In. Well, not today at any rate. Today, I believe in pain, injustice and inscrutability. Obviously this means I should read this poem only when I'm better disposed towards the world. But I am always well disposed towards you... ...even when I vanish for long periods. Lotsa Mark	2006-06-19 09:18:08
Constant	Dellena Rovito	Dellena I love this. So pithy, so gutsy and real. "I've never met proper format/I wanted this, I got that" ... could be the theme song of all our lives. I do think the piece lost its significant oomph in the last stanza: I knew it was coming before I read it. Every other stanza was a brilliant surprise ... and I don't say that lightly. But because I don't say that lightly ... well I hope you know what I mean. The rest is pure poetry, the last stanza was pure Hallmark. That aside, it's a lovely piece. Best Mark.	2006-06-18 21:17:11
KaKaKachina	James C. Horak	JCH What have we here? A plea to be remembered? A hope? A talisman against the eternity of the void? A prayer for a "yes" to the question, "Have I, in the Great Scheme of Things, basically been a good boy?" Not as if I don't empathise... ... after all, who really knows what their life is really worth? I know I don't. MAH	2006-06-17 00:02:12
Longings	marilyn terwilleger	Mazza For a set of random thoughts, it's quite coherent and complete. We all know this state of longings that "rhapsodies ... do not satisfy," the unreachable heart of our "un-rest". I like this very much. For a poem about restlessness, it has poise, and it evokes a sense of recollectedness which is not unlike peace... ...provided, of course, one can "rest" in one's "restlessness," which I think you have achieved here. Of course the achievement is provisional: "...long gleams of sun MAY/bring quietude..." And the provisional/conditional nature of the discovery is entirely in keeping with the theme. Nice one Mazza. Best always, M. PS. The only thing I don't like is the "Just some random thoughts". If that's so important a point to make, I reckon you'd do better to work the idea into the poem ... as if it's not embedded there already!! xx	2006-05-15 16:38:47
In Another's Obsession	James C. Horak	JCH Early teens, eh? You did get away to an early start, didn't you? While the velvet-turned-to-thoughts-of-tapioca is not the sole preserve of the first encounter, it does work with the not uncommon after-thought of "Gee ... what was all that about?" And the almost obligatory "I love you" that must be worn on the sleeve, emblematic of "I did not abuse your trust." One suspects though that it is the narrator's trust that had been abused. The scene is familar, so too the denouement. The night has ended, but what it contained leaves the disquieting question as to whether one will survive it or not: the emotional aftershocks reverberate. To make sense of the obsession being "another's", I find myself having to impute "loose morals" to the partner, especially since "Her easiness seemed slightly forced." It's not her first time, apparently. The parallel of the "relationships", such as it is, with the engine/clutch that whines and engages by submission is intriguing. The "mechanics" of love: The grinding. The whining. The clumsiness. The doubt... But above all, the doubt. MAH	2006-03-02 04:54:30
Snip, Snip	James C. Horak	JCH Impossible for this lame brain not to read this in the wretchifying light of the forum. Take it as given that I take it as given. I have read this correctly, and you know you can take my word for it. Damn it, I know you've got a heart. I've never doubted it. Hard for anyone to be as passionate as you are without one. MAH	2006-02-27 09:22:46
Searching	Thomas H. Smihula	Thomas I hope I don't sound like I'm being a pain in the ass again ... but I think you've done it again here. Adding "This is truth..." to me robs you of a very powerful ending in "Behind reminiscences,/the misplaced, the nightmares", a far more compelling image/thought on which to end. This a poem of questions. I think it is fair to say that the poem is not arrogating to itself the ability to answer those questions, but lets them hang there for us. The "truth" is not made more true by being labelled "truth", even if that is just the truth of the questions. Leaving "the misplaced, the nightmares" as the final thought, you leave the questions hanging far more effectively. Their "truth" is thus more apparent. Mark	2006-02-24 11:54:56
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