marilyn terwilleger's E-Mail Address: mterwilleger@bresnan.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by marilyn terwilleger	Critique Date
HeartCircles	Rebecca Lee	Hi Rebecca, I have read this piece several times and find myself relating to the words. To me this is a poem about life and death. One can look at the surface and relate only to the renewal of nature. When a tree or plant dies they sow their seeds so life can go on. ...'the flower throws it's pollen...the tree flings it's seeds' the usuage of the word 'flings' here is so appropiate and immediately gives me an image of my own flowers and trees....'glorious ending..hatred for a moment of a continuing anew' I was able to feel the pathos in these words but then you give the reader an uplifting and hope for new life with the following words...'blooming seed rejoices...new blossom a bit hardier than the last' The remainder of the poem referrs to human blossom and loss ....'known scores.. loved only a few'...'remain in my heart throwing seeds of rememberance'...I love that line. ...'from a distance now there is no hatred...peaceful sweetness..memories of moments in time...still i love them all'...I was so glad to see that this ended on a positive note and not something too sad to bear...as I am guilty of that sometimes. This is a good piece one I know will rate high on the winneers list. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-02-17 20:38:27
Closer to Far Away (edit)	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, I am amazed by this piece! It is so different than what I have read of your work in the past. I see you posted it twice so I chose the edited one. In the first two stanzas you give us a little history of the galaxy when it first became apparent that there was 'something' beyond our planet. You call it an infant galaxy that could not easily be seen by the first telescopes..but then came the Hubble...what a discovery that was! The following stanza are full of wonderful words to give the reader a sense of what is beyond....(Love the 'a spot' (.) ) how clever to think of such a thing and so appropiate for this masterful piece. Now to the best part...'limitless sea, ...room missing ceilings or walls..moving in endless expanse, flowing in bankless streams'..I just can't even tell you how remarkable these lines are....'to watch what may be seen as subatomic particals by Someone' The capital 'S' here is significant as He is the only one who saw these marvles until we enhanced our vision with the Hubble. Then.... C L O S E R to the scene. The perfect ending for this astounding accomplishment. This is easy to read and understand plus it is inventive and very well done...kudos on this one! Blessings...Marilyn	2004-02-17 20:16:02
japanese verse 40 (Petals)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, This is a lovely valentine gift to everyone! Thanks! Also this is such a beautiful thought and makes a perfect haiku. Like a lovely bride...brides are lovely aren't they? They have that look of love and serenity about them that is easy to recognize...young or old doesn't matter the look is the same Blossom wears it's splendid gown....love this...but wonder what you think about blossom wears her splendid gown? Just a thought but I feel stupid making it as you are the expert! with all purity........I think this is the only line you could have written for this haiku as it is perfect to go with the theme. Another winner....is going on my list! Peace...Marilyn ps.I know when you say 'it's gown' you are referring to the flower but in my feeble mind it takes on a gender.	2004-02-16 15:23:10
Rain	Regis L Chapman	Hi Reeg, I have read this piece over and over as I find it so compelling that it deserves to be read multiple times. I can feel pathos in the lines...a feeling of hopelessness in some and revelation in others. You have some amazing phrases....'endless elder heads reflected in the tears'...'the tease of seas and of sand between our toes'...'tread years upon years through the rising slog'...'my threads like a lost pack of dogs that need to be owned'..'deep down in the flood ever does it grow in crimsen blood filling us up' All of these phrases and many more combined to display a profound piece of writing. I must admit I could not get inside your head on some of the writings and I apologize for that. But having said that I think this is a good poem which has a lot of merit. But also I was on the forum a few minutes ago where you wrote about a crit that disturbed you. Please don't drprive us of you talent because of the words of one person....I too have gotten some crits that almost re-wrote my work when I first started posting on TPL but now I cherish every one of them as they helped me grow as a poet and I still have a long way to go. Just keep writing and posting your work here and don't be daunted by the opinion of one. Peace...Marilyn	2004-02-15 18:43:42
A Growing Appetite for Spring	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, You have written yet another gem! I too long for spring...it is so cold here with and snow so we must be reminded that spring will come and this poem has done that for me. Not only do I yearn for the concept of spring while in this deep freeze you have used some exceptional verbage to describe it's coming. Common caterpillars browsers of green like moose.....I loved this comparison of something so small but just but just as voracious. Wilson's warblers, tiny flying grizzlies of willow thickets....I have never see these little birds but with the help of your poetic imagery I can easily see them flitting about to swallow insects. Spruce seed powered squirrles.......I laughed when I read this line and then it gets even better with. will spill middens thick with spent cones to autograph their feeding scene.....not a soul will mistake the leavings of a well seeded squirrle.....so clever..your talent is showing! red-backed voles avoiding owls...................we do have owls but I don't think I know what a vole is but they must be a small animal because they tunnel and the prcupine's taste for leaves, bud, twigs, ax handles and canoe paddles.....I laughed out loud at this one as I have seen many a beaver dam and anything that is wood had better look out salted by the seat of human hands...will grow the last stanza is so perfect for this entire piece...coldest tundra..new life..like us thriving under winter wraps.....these are lovely words of hope to all the depressed people that stand at their windows and wish for spring. I have a feeling you will be at the top of the winners list again! Blessings...Marlyn	2004-02-11 15:43:29
These delicious aromas like foreign countries	hj elliot	Dear hj, Glad to have you at TPL:...hope you will stay! This is a lovely story about two people very much in love. The imagery you portray is delcious to read...which I have done several times...."skin smelling of coffee grounds"...no sweeter morning smell to a serious coffee drinker...it wakes up the senses and begins the day...."I open to you as a window opens out onto roof tops..arms spread wide"..these are such sensual words and fit nicely into the theme of the poem...."ready to take in the rush should I fall, narrow cobblestone to catch me while the streets are still with empty morning"...I love 'streets are still with empty morning'...beautiful phrase. "sheets lay devastated acorss the wise mattress ripe with memories"...again very sensual which compels the reader to keep going. ...."from thunder like an airraid over the city that brought in the rain and the war between us." At first I was confused with 'the war between us' but then I thought about it and related it to the 'devastated sheets' and I now believe you are not speaking about actual war..but rather tumultuous love making between two lovers. I hope I have not fractured your meaning here but I just want you to know how beautiful this poem is and how it makes me feel...and that is, I think it is about making love and not war. Hope to read more of your work and welcome to TPL. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-02-10 14:52:40
japanese verse 39 (Amnesia)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, You give us a peek into your life with just a few well placed words...who could do this but you? Of course, this is a perfect haiku in structure and the meaing of your words are delightful. Your verses continue to amaze me and I am sure I am not alone as you consistantly make the top 6 or 7 on the winners list each month. Losing time because you are enjoying the company of a cherished one is so wonderful and I hope you continue to do that and to share your poetry with us. Peace...Marilyn	2004-02-09 10:52:28
Living a Loss	Robin Ann Crandell	Hi Robin, The pain of a lost relationship is absolute...I sometimes think it is worse than a death of a loved one as death is final but physical loss means that person is still alive but has ceased to love or need you. I think the poet inside you has written down your sad feeling very well in this piece. You don't have to write a perfect poem to mirror your sadness just a truthful one...do that and your talent for writing will shine through every time. I think I may have told you that I am a widow so much of what you write I have said to myself many times over since my husband died...the hurt never goes away but just lurks there waiting to blind side you when least expected....."I am still here with the grief of losing you" this is a gut wrenching line which sets the tone of the entire poem...I knew this would be sad but was compelled to read it to the end despite the darkness of the words. Keep writing as it will cleanse your soul and eventually all the pain will ease. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-02-09 10:06:16
Every Poem An Autograph	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I was just about to go upstairs and watch the Gloden globes when I took a peek at my new list and here you are...if I don't critique it now it will sail off into the unknown poetry heaven..or whatever. This one is so true and I relate to it easily as so much of what I write is from personal experience...yes an autograph of our lives of the ups and downs of everyday living...some good some bad...'then' episodes...'now' events what a perfect way to describe life expiences. Poets do speak of their 'youth' and 'prior' times, we draw from what we know and paint the pictures with words on paper. We never age enough not to relive our 'ago' as it has imprinted itself on our brains and souls and the poets of the world must write these passions down in order to remember the good and releave the bad. I have never heard the phrase 'sursum-corda' but you have worked your poetic magic once again in it's use here. I will be surprised if you have not written another winner...but the month is young and I will wait, with thirst, to read your next submission as I know there are more strokes of your pen lying in wait to dip into the ink of your talent. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-02-08 21:10:05
For Mom	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, How I love this poem!! You have so poetically described a winter garden...which could have been mine, by the way. A beautiful tribute to our mother of all nature. You begin by taking the reader onto your deck where the walnut boards complain of your interruption..as they too rest in winter...."allusive winter aroma"...great line... .."the respite in her white filled fury"..perhaps a wind blown patch of grass, barren and without snow. You pay homeage to the cringing capped cedars. ...."dotted the virginal prayer patch"..undisturbed snow in this lovely scene. I love the imagery of the little cheepers flitting about. The guest of honor arrives...red habit..brodcasting his jazz... is this a Cardinal? "Mr McIntosh...looking thin"...sans leaves...he sleeps soundly. Great imagery and descriptors in the synthetic supports sticking up from the garden waiting to be embraced by spring flowers and fruit....I can see a bare trellis here waiting patiently for spring...."My crunching steps on her blanket"...where I live when snow crunches under foot the temps are always very cold and warm breath forms ice crystals on the edges of wool stocking caps. My most favorite line is..."the inverted blue bowl that covers us" that is just brilliant and I wish I had thought of it! This is a wonderful piece...if you intended another meaning that is hidden to me then I'm sorry but you put me in your garden and I did so enjoy the walk. Peace.....Marilyn	2004-02-08 16:14:46
Freedom	Robert L Tremblay	Hi Bobby T. I know it is rather late to be critiquing but I intended to comment on this poem earlier but by the time I got to it the list had been swallowed up and it was gone. But now it is back so I will say a few words. In the first place, as all that read it know, you could have written it yesterday as the message and the words are from this moment in time...sad but true. We haven't learned anything have we? I guess the question is will we ever?? I like the way you start this piece with...'dead men do not speak but their voices cry for the unborn meek' then you go on to speak of the horror of war..you speak of death, fear, nightmare, walls that crumble, warheads that grumble, sorrow, fate, and hate. And your own grief for the fate of humanity. But you choose not to hate and therefore you are sane and free not like the war mongers who choose to fight to become famous for their daring feats of strength....or whatever possess them in the first place. Also you have not only written an important piece you have done it in exquisite rhyme. Who could have known when you wrote this twenty years ago that humanity still can't get it right? Thanks for sharing this one. Peace...Marilyn	2004-02-03 20:15:55
martins	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi Tom, I saw this poem high on the winners list and decided I should read it...little did I know what a treat it would be. I was not aware that you are a Doctor but after I read just a few of your words I knew you were. I was actually glued to my computer screen as I read this and couldn't wait to see how it ended...and as I expected it was superb. In fact rarely have I read a piece that even compares to this read. I could easily identify with the reason you named 'martin' as I don't see how anyone, even a med student, could probe into another human body and be impersonal...even tho I am sure that is what is expected. I worked for a physcian for many years and every day was a learning experience as he loved to teach. He shared some of his experiences with me and his early days in the lab were much like yours. You must have a soft and gentle side...and probably don't want that to leak out...for you to have buried 'martin's' heart. I have to admit that I got that all too familure lump in my throat when you wrote....'i just thought they were the most beautiful tulips i had ever seen... i just called them 'martins'...Beautiful!!!! Peace...Marilyn	2004-02-01 21:39:07
A Day	Stormy D Morris	Hi Stormy, I don't usually critique at this time of month...am more apt to wait for new poems but I have to comment on this one. In reading it I noticed myself begin to smile and by the end....'slowly to bed I crawl' I was just delighted. I have three children and when we were raising them I also had a full time job and what you have written here personifies every one of my days from start to finish. In this terse poem you have managed to describe a whole day for a busy wife, mother, cook, maid, accountant, nurse, laundermat, window washer, bill payer, craft maker, and whatever else comes up that needs tending to or fixing. I don't know that it falls into a paticular poetry category but you have written about what you know and what you experience...which to me is the best poetry of all. Some poets infer rather than make their meanings clear to the reader and that can become work instead of pleasure to read...or maybe that is just me and I am lazy or unappreciative. I like all kinds of poetry but some that I read on this site can be compared to the old masters it is that good. Also this is a wonderful place to learn your craft and TPLers are always happy to teach and help us poor newbies along! I like this one and so will any busy person as we all labor through each day and jump up in the morning only to do it all over again! Blessings...Marilyn....keep writing!	2004-02-01 21:10:43
Blue Tide	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I just get upset when I don't see your work on my list...so I went scouring the list and here you are! This is an exceptional piece of writing...knowing a little of the trauma you are expereincing right now just makes it more meaningful for me...."My heart a burden of regret"..I love this phrase and when I look back at some of my own regrets my heart is heavy with rue...."my up is buried in mire"...this is an amazing line and is more than just descriptive...it is riddled with pathos. To have your will, your excitment, your ability to look forward to the future, mired deep into depression is almost unbearable to me. I have known this feeling. 'disenchanted duality' another amazing descriptor....just one of many you have graced us with....'to erase the shadows' beautiful and haunting line....'replace them with lambent light'..love the word lambent (glowing) here. The closer I got to the last line the better and more hopeful I began to feel, even though I still the pathos I also feel you know exactly what you need to pull yourself back up into the beautiful sounds of life and that you will do that...'all provided from above to thrill and fill me with undivided love'...to me this reads like a lovely soft prayer a prayer that will endow you with serenity and love. Your poems always touch me in one way or the other and this one does even more than that. I can feel every line so profoundly just like it came from inside me. I am sure this is another winner...at least it is for me. Be well and Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-30 16:10:02
Daydream	Stormy D Morris	Hi Stormy, Two poets in one family how great is that?? To begin with I want you to know that I love this poem...it is soft, sweet, and sensual all at the same time. There is nothing more beautiful than unbridled love between a man and a woman and being able to express that love in the written word is exceptional...."a blanket of light..my pillow (is) the moon" You can delete (is) and make this line even stronger...."naked, weightless, we float (in) a tangle of flesh"..this is a great line..very sensual and intriguing..."mingling with stardust our bodies (they) glow...flow" I love the idea of stardust lighting two bodies and it keeps the theme of the daydream alive. "setting the dust on fire and I somersault into sleep" are my favorite lines. I hope you continue to write and grace TPL with your talent. I have tinkered with a few words but you should write it the way it feels best to you..either way it is an excellent piece. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-30 15:20:35
Tentacles	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, I can't believe you just sat at work and wrote this poem!! You have captured the essence of a poet..."manacles of odist's mind"...very clever way to describe the unique personality of a poet. We are so differenct in styles but ever so much the same in temperment...."so many things so many so many thinkers... many fingers many minds.. ...many lingers many lines..so many singers so many songs." I believe poets see things differently than most of the masses...perhaps we are more sensitive and more in tune with our surroundings. From personal experience when I have a thought I must write it down no matter where I am. The last time I flew somewhere I had such an inspiration and grabbed for a crumpled napkin and wrote it down as I could not rely on my memory to re-create it exactly the same. I really like this one Reeg...thanks for thinking of our little group on TPL and thanks for continuing to share your talent with us. Peace....Marilyn	2004-01-29 16:09:08
pushpull	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, I am thinking you will get a varity of meanings of this piece. Even though it is somewhat disconnected to me it carries a deffinite message. Our lives are full of pushes & pulls...everywhere we look someone is pushing & pulling us in another direction. I can especially relate this to raising a family and being a working mother. It always seemed to me that my husband, children, or the Dr. I worked for demanded more every day. I can remember thinking 'if I just could not accomplish what the ask...maybe they would stop asking'...but I never tried that..just kept plugging along in whatever direction they pointed...."I am too full...(l)ook left look right..pause and breath"...how many times I have felt this way...totally overwhelmed...too busy to take a deep breath...."walking legs would rather do the balking"...what a true statement that is. It is much easier to just say no than to push ourselves to do the impossible. There is a song that says... ..."the difficult I can do right now..but the impossible will take a little while." The last line threw me a little..."parachute please unpack"...but it could mean..just do it yourself! I may have completely fractured your meaning of this piece but I was easily able to relate it to many situations in my own life...good job. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-29 15:55:21
Shadow of Still	DeniMari Z.	Hi DeniMari, I have read this piece several times and each time I liked it better. The poet seems to be remembering a very sad event and wants desperately to rid herself of that memory...which is a very difficult task. She knows there is good to enjoy and in spite of the sorrow looks forward to the future...."Find the spirit within you to move on, far away from the shadow of still"....I find 'shadow of still' such an intriguing and inventive phrase. The entire piece has a wonderful rhyme with a musical lilt that is pleasing when read aloud. This is a lovely poem and I wouldn't change a word of it. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-29 11:45:28
NUCLEAR MADNESS (old acrostic)	Robert L Tremblay	Hi Bobby T., This may have been written long ago but it could have been written yesterday as the message is the same now as then...."Nothing as insane as willed extinction" what a wise statement and it is so true. One wonders why we humans are so bound and determined to self destruct...God only knows we are trying hard enough...."Each man/woman responsible for their fate"...or so we thought. But in the present time when our young people are called upon to fight a war, that in some ways seems so senseless, their death is caused by another force...."Madness formed by inhumanity toward man." Oh..how true this is. I have a grandson that just came back from Iraq...Thank heavens as he and his wife are expecting a baby on Feb. 14th. I was so gald he came home safe but the down side of that is I have three other grandsons who are the right age if the draft becomes a reality. You have written a very important piece and one that should be read by many as I think you are echoing the sentiments of the masses. Will it help to put a new man in the White House? Who knows...we are on such a downward spiral now that it will take Devine intervention to pull us out. I have lived through many presidents but I don't think I have ever been as depressed with such a feeling of hoplessness as I am now. You are a gifted poet so don't ever stop writing. Peace....Marilyn	2004-01-28 16:35:09
Black and White	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, I read this poem twice yesterday and two more times today and even though I am sure I cannot give you the type of critique you deserve I do want to comment. I am glad for your post script as it did clear up the disconnected thought process of the entire piece. "Dealing in the dull...the soul a trench to dig" I was hoping the next few lines would explain your meaning here..."masters of mud not unlike the pig" but I just could not get inside your mind, which frustrates me as I always try to do that when I read the poets words. Throughout the entire piece I find some very interesting and profound statements and have decided some puctuation would help it read better...for me anyway..."blade of grass wind blown as glass"..I especially like this thought. Since you are not involved in yoga now you may want to re-think this piece and do a re-write. I do believe this poem has merit and with a little work could become a very worthy piece of writing. Sorry I am just not smart enough to dig deep into your mind at the time you wrote this and give you a comprehensive critique. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-28 16:09:41
ACROSTIC	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, It is humerous and you are so right...we do limit and discipline ourselves when writing poetry. Perhaps we do that because it is a challange or just because it is written that we must do that to be poetically correct....'Calamity of letters starting lines" the use of 'calamity'here is quite clever...."State clearly topics from mere blurb" it is not unusual to read some poems that actually are written that way which makes getting into the poets mind nearly impossible...."Take the risk to disturb" this risk can be a good thing..if the reader is somewhat disturbed then the poet has done a good job, if that was the intention. Which also holds true with your next line...I am not sure about the insult as I don't think I would do that on purpose but to make the reader laugh is a real talent on the part of the poet. I am no expert on acrostic poetry but it looks to me like you have followed the guidelines and injected humor quite well. Good job. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-27 15:44:41
Falling in Love with Food (revised)	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, I did not read your first piece but even without the post script I knew exactly what song you are referencing and I began to smile with "Wide men say" This is so clever and deffinetly funny so as far as I am concerned you have accomplished what you set out to do. I suppose it may not be too funny to those with weight problems but what sort of humans are we if we cannot laugh at ourselves?..."I need new dungarees..take my ham take my whole wheat too"...I about fell off my chair at this line..convulsing with laughter. There is so much talk on t.v. and articles in the papers about obesity and what an epidemic it is in this country. My husband had diabetes and heart disease which I know was brought on partly because he was over weight for years and when he finally decided to lose weight and exercise it was too late. He was a football player when he was young but in his 50's he became sedintary which was his un-doing. Well enough of that...just wanted you to know that I have witnessed this problem and fully understand it. Everyone should have at least one hearty laugh each day...thanks for giving me mine! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-26 20:32:00
Porcelain Dolls	Debbie L Fischer	Hi Debbie, I can feel the pathos in this poem as it vibrates in every line. The pain of a child is so absolute and not easily forgotten. I was raised an only child so I never felt the sting of favoritisim and in raising children we never let it happen. I like the format you used to write this piece...short stazas and terse lines which makes takes the reader from one hurtful line to the other. The porcelian dolls are a symbol of both your pain and acceptance. What else can a child do but accept what she cannot change and move on but sadly the pain, even tho it abates, will never be gone. This is beautifully written and I know it must have been hard to share these feelings...but doing so is just another step in healing. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-26 11:34:53
In Tribute	Ronda Michelle Nelson	Hi Ronda, I really enjoy these epic poems and you have done a great job with this one. I do notice that the rhyme does not follow a strict pattern throughout the piece, however, the cadence is never sacrificed for the sake of the rhyme. The rhythm is so lyrical that it has a soothing effect on the reader. The story is wonderful and excellent in content. Sometime very long poems just don't garner the attention of the reader but I have read this one twice and loved it twice! Keep writing in this style as you are very adept at it...bravo for this one! Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-26 11:04:54
Beautiful Nature	Robin Ann Crandell	Hi Robin, I must confess that I was initially stunned by this piece because of it's sensuality and thruthfulness...a sure sign of a good piece of writing. But then I read it a couple of more times and putting my victorian up-bringing aside, I could see the beautiful love two people feel for each other. I also think it is well written and if you wrote it when you were so tuned in to these feelings you should leave it just as is. To start trying to change the lines and make them technically correct would be to lose the whole purpose of the poem. There will be some that think this is too 'racey' to post on a poetry site but if you open your mind and read the words as love between two people it will become beautiful instead of just sexy. Good luck...I will be intersted to read what other critiquers have to say! Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-23 16:40:10
Fear	Sergio M chavez	Hi Sergio, You are right this is a disturbing piece of writting but if it helps you to vent your feelings by composing then you should keep doing it. This is the second poem of yours I have read this month and they both reflect feelings of debilitating fear of not fitting in and the fear of being thought of as a coward. When I was a teenager and would obsess about not being pretty enough..smart enough...well liked enough.. or dressed right or just all the things teens go through in their painful attempt to grow up my mother would say..."all the other kids are too worried about themselves to spend time worrying about you." Those words are so wise because as I got older I could see I was just fine and if people don't like me for any other reason than just because I am me they don't need to like me at all. All of us humans have dark thoughts that we are not proud of but most of us can accept that as being normal and move on...and you can too. Even though your poetry is gut wrenching it is impossible not to read it as it is very compelling. And that, my friend, is the sign of a good writer, soooo just for the hell of it write something beautiful and I think you will be surprised that you truly do have the talent it takes to do that. Peace....Marilyn	2004-01-16 22:36:22
DENIAL	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, Believe it or not I am about to try an acrostic poem and I thought before I post one I would ask Turner's opinion! I think you have done a great job with this one. You have kept the theme all the way through and made sense out of it. Something I think may be difficult. The first two lines are great..."drowning in my own world....engaged by every stroke" I took this to mean you are drowning...in your job because I can remember (before I retired) that I often felt like I was drowning in paper work and it was either sink or swim. However, you may be speaking of life in general. The third line..."never trusting in free style" blew my first theroy all to hell and I decided you are speaking of writing poetry...which can be somewhat overwhelming when you thing about it. The next three lines could allude to either theory. I especially like the last line..."lifesavors revoked"....no matter what you do in life you can only rely on yourself when all is said and done. Very good for your first attempt....watch for mine...if I get the nerve to write one and then tell me what you think. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-16 11:14:37
Pickett's Charge	Ronda Michelle Nelson	Hi Ronda, I believe this is the first time I have read your work and I am certainly glad I didn't miss this one. This is an excellent piece with an easy rhyme that sounds natural and not forced. It is very long and sometimes I have read poetry that was so long I gave up before I reached the end. However, I hung on every word of this one and found I was sorry that it had to end. There is so much written about the civil war but as far as a poetic story I have never read a better one than this. You should be very proud of your accomplishment here. I see nothing that I would like to change from a technical point of view. Let it is suffice to say this poem will go to the top of my voting list and kudos for a brilliant piece of work. Blessings....Marilyn	2004-01-16 10:42:18
Perplexing	Sergio M chavez	Hi Sergio, Glad to see your name on my list. This is a perplexing piece but within the lines there is a tone of underlying depression and a dislike for self. Speaking as if this person is you.....I think many parents put a t.v. in a child's room in order to keep their toys in the toy box...I never did as there we didn't have a t.v. until my third child was born and then only one set. So the t.v. in exchange for a mess might not be enough to cripple a child's psyche. But then you outline how much you want to be like everyone else...to have love, be smart, rich, take revenge (this bothers me ), look good, be happy, to impress, and simply to exist. some of these things we earn as we go through life and some we have to work hard for but are all in within our reach...yours too. "Concealing the schism"...seperation from what? "A presence s born...an unkindly burden...holding me here"..then you speak of self-punishment and I wonder why you think you need to be punished and is it fear that is holding you in this uncomfortable place? Then you speak of being a coward and feeling fear a nithmare and painful memories. I can feel the pathos and anguish in this piece. To me it is well written but I just wish I knew more about the root of your despair. If I have really mis-interpeted this piece forgive me but I think I am feeling it the way you wrote it and that is what good poetry is suppose to do. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-15 12:33:44
A Poem to Parents	Erica L. Badger	Hi Erica, This is a lovely about a child turned into a grown up and ready to leave the 'nest'. This can be such a sad time for parents but after all we raise them so we can let them go and make their own way. The problem is we never really know if we are done and even worse if we have done a good job. You have used such loving phrases in this piece of love and used great descriptors to reveal a happy childhood and your gratitude for it......"molded/shaped/pieced"....given a heart and a soul to keep the body full...I think my favorite is "I was started from scratch but you filled that soul"..."you taught me to dance but now I am ready to fill me with me"...very true...parents strive to give their children the tools they need to fly on their own...good parents do this but I am sad to say not all parents...."I'll keep you with me wherever I go"...great line to end this loving poem to parents. Thanks for posting and letting us enjoy. Blessings...Marlyn	2004-01-15 12:13:57
Trance	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Hi Jordan, Last night I did an involved crit of this poem...just as I was about to sign my name my computer booted me off line! Soooo I will try again. To begin with I think this is a brilliant poem to say the least. It really speaks to me as living in Wyoming I have ridden a fair number of horses..Quarter horse, Arabian (my favorite because of their zest) and Morgans (that we used for hunting) and others...."jungle of Alps" very clever use of 'jungle'....also'traipsed like a waif' is great. You have wonderful a alliterations...hooting/howling/prowling/panting. My favorite line is "Then Zephyr chattered relief" amazing concept! Then ...."ravishingly sweet lilacs lured my wits" is so poetic and beautiful. I have been reading some poems by Robert L. Stevenson and he writes like this...with unusual and great discriptors. The use of the word 'palfrey' is so perfect for this piece. At first read I thought you could have said 'saddling you upon my back' but then I decided 'you at my back' is more in keeping with the horse speaking and keeps the integrity of the theme. I cann't help but go back in time as I read your words to my horse riding days. Sometimes when the chores of mother-hood what over-take me I would take the children to their grand-mother and saddle up one of the horses and go for a ride. I can still feel the wind in my face and the sound of the beating hooves on dusty land and the power beneath as I would gallop across the plain. Side stepping sage brush, tumble-weeds and an occasional tree. Such a free feeling and it always fed my soul and revived me. Thank you so much for the wonderful ride and for allowing me to be part of the 'Trance'...perhaps you will have another one soon! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-14 12:11:31
Inktip	Donna L. Dean	Hi Donna, I have read this piece several times as I find it very intriguing, you have given wonderful examples for the many uses of the tiny tip of something as simple as a pen. I am especially fond of..."dashes of fame and diaried life" very inventive and clever...."expressions of desire" this is probably the most used in the life of a pen..the written word can be so powerful and what better way to express ourselves wheather it be desire, hate, love, loss, etc..some can write better than they can express themselves with spoken words. What about the 'dear John letters?'& the last lines are perfect and pretty profound..."the viel lifts to which the tip reveals." Good submission..keep writing. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-13 21:15:02
Under my Mukluks	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, I haven't seen any of your work in a long time...glad to see you are writing and creating again! I just did a crit on another poem about the effects of winter...guess we are all ready for spring! You have some wonderful alliterations in this piece...snow/sun/shining..while/wind/ whipped...striking/similarities...especially when read aloud. My favorite line is..."the tapping sound beating in time to the habitual dance steps to Aurora's hidden lights" I think I would have made two lines out of it without sacrificing the impact of the words..but that is just me. Underneath the words or between the lines (which ever) there is a tone of sadness..."warm flowing tears"..."if you were here"..."frozen pieces of the past intermingled with renewed hope, chunks of me washed away"...I would like to know if your loved one (sweetness) is gone forever such as in death or failure of a relationship. "chunks of me washed away" is a line full of pathos so I feel that you are really grieving for some reason. I like the poem a lot justs needs a little tweeking here and there and you have a winner! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-13 15:19:22
Sam	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, I love poems written about our pets as most are loving and some sad as they are about the death of a pet. I wrote one and posted it here about Pepper who was my dog that passed away...in fact she died in my arms as I was begging her not to. When our children were young we had cats off and on..in fact we adopted a 'mamma kitty' so the children could see birth of her kittens and thereby witness the process which certainly did answer some of their questions about where babies come from! I smiled all the way through this piece which is written with love for Sam in every line. I can tell he is a treasured part of your family. However, the black one you refer to is much more the norm for cats...a little offish and they decide "the when and the where" About three years after Pepper's death my kids brought me a dog as they were sure I needed one and I could not refuse when I saw how cute she was. Well they were right I just melted when I saw her and much to my surprise I was more lonesome than I thought I was! Of course she sleeps with me, sometimes with her head on my shoulder. They say people who own pets live longer...so keep on loving Sam! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-11 16:59:33
The Card	Michael Bird	Hi Michael, What a lovely piece you have written about 'Eliza Ann!' The rhyming throughout is so musical as it flows easily from one line to the other...never forced or akward. The first stanza lets us know that the card about Eliza is beautiful and clean even tho it is found in rubbish. In S2 you have written such wonderful phrases about this young girl and her card..."Angels with trumptes hovering above to guide your way to heaven's glove"...I love this line...wish I had thought of it. ..."angels at your side to protect you from Satans evil ride" In S3 you tell us she has been gone for over 100 years and was laid to rest with a single flower on her breast. In S4 you tell us this unfortunate child was but 19 years old when she died and how much she was loved and missed. I imagine 100 years ago there were many young people that died and are laid to rest in old cemeterys...what stories those graves could tell! I am especially enamored with the last stanza where you tell Eliza Ann that if you come her way you will lay a wreath of flowers at her feet.. ..."yes, I will do that if I can...rest peacefully Eliza Ann" I have read his poem several times just to say the rhyme out loud because even tho it is about a sad event it has such a soothing sound. I only have one question...how could the card be in the trash if it is so old?? Loved this one as I am sure you can tell! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-09 22:03:26
A Life Sentence	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I was really into a crit of this piece when I hit the wrong key and zapped it out! So here goes again....this masterfully written piece really speaks to me as I cared for my mother for six years before her death at the age of 91. I loved her dearly but she nearly killed me as I tried to please her in one way or the other. In the 1st stanza your beautiful words lulled me into believing this would be a lovely poem about the awakening of a new day...."lush grass a coverlet of umber dew...light awakening whispery shadows" even the mother's moon face at the window did not interrupt my lulled state. However, in the 2nd stanza I knew this piece would take me in another direction...."her eerie visage" ..."prolix pain...youth.. time served...mandatory sentance with no early release"..these words exemplify my own feelings and are somewhat difficult for me to read...even now when my mother has been gone for some six years. In S3 you describe the mothers lack of caring.. ..."arms-length stance" a child feels so much rejection by these jesters and one wonders if the parent ever really knows what a life long impact they have...."repeated put-downs..frowns..never a touch" all painful things for any child..grown or not. And in the end we find ourselves caring for this uncaring parent and wonder if the sentance will ever end. This is another great piece of writing..you never cease to amaze me. I do hope you are not speaking of your own mother here but if you are you have my sympathy and understanding. Hope you are well and will continue to grace us with your talent. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-09 21:41:10
japanese verse 36 (Ku Klux Klan)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, I so do enjoy your work and your talent for writing these verses. This is one that is diverse in it's message from what you usually write. The Ku Klux Klan is a part of American history that most of us would like to forget. It is beyond me that such hatered existed in our land, but it did and there is no way to deny it. In this verse you have used seven words that begin with the letter 'k' giving a hard and harsh sound so indicative to the Klan...."Known to keep kinship"...yes they did stick together and were bigots to a man. One wonders how a person could sustain such anger toward their fellow man and torture and kill them because of the color of their skin...."Killer of kaleildoscope" In this line you exemplify the root of the Klan's hatered against anyone different from themselves...especially their color. Use of the word 'kaleildoscope here is brilliant!.."knights with kerosene"..the horrible burnings of homes was devastating to the black people. Most were not worth much to begin with but it was their homes that they watched burn to the ground. When I was 18 yrs old and married my husband we went to Kentucky where he was stationed...was during the Korean war. I was shocked when the black people stood in the gutters if they saw you approch them on the sidewalks. I could not believe it and I felt so sorry that they would think they had to do that for me...it also made me ashamed to belong to the white race. Another great poem! Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-09 10:13:56
Green	siddharth Gopalakrishna	Hi Siddharth, Well I am lucky enough to find another poem written by you. I had to smile at this one...which can be a very good thing as we poets tend to write so much sad 'stuff.' You have cleaverly woven this piece around the color of green and it's many meanings. In the first stanza you give us just a smidgen of the loveliness of green grass...I especially like the phrase..."Grass, it drapes green" In the 2nd stanza you refer to that ugly green monster...jelously..probably the worst green of all as it can destroy a relationship....you thought they were friends..knew them well..but we never really know people unless we live with them 24-7 and even then we can miss a thing or two. Then in the 3rd stanza you describe 'envy'..oh that is a bad one..right up there with jelously! ..."poisons without reason"..very true and it also causes pain in every sense of the word. You say you have felt the green monster...but we all have at one time or another...but some are not truthful enough to admit it. Your last line...."forgiveness while you still can...is the only cure"...a very thoughtful piece with wise suggestions that heal the soul. Hope to read more of your work. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-08 20:53:22
Sweet Irony	Robin Ann Crandell	Hi Robin, I don't believe I have had the pleasure of reading your work and am pleased that this one showed up on my list. It tells a very sad tale and as I read it I could feel the words and raw emotions coming straight from your heart. from a technical point of view..(which I usually don't do as I critique from my gut)..I suppose you could tighten the lines up a bit. But I know these words poured out of your mind and heart just the way they are written..this is a valuable asset for any writer weather it is rhyme or prose. I feel this overwhelming love and need came from an affair rather than a death...perhaps an affair that was not meant to be from the beginning...."Eternity would have flown by and we wouldn't have turned back."..."wanting you the way I do only makes me weaker"...this is such a sad statement. I am a widow but sometimes I think a divorce or end of any relationship is the hardest of all..because the person is still alive but not to the one who grieves..."I live with no direction...pain is all that's left"..."Now all that remains are memories"...one must always treasure memories as they can never be taken away from us and they do not have to be shared...but better yet we can visit them anytime. This is a lovely piece even tho it is full of pathos and gives this reader a sad feeling in my chest...sorrow for a love lost is a feeling I can surely relate to. Keep writing! Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-08 16:39:19
Belonging	siddharth Gopalakrishna	Dear Siddharth, Welcome to TPL...hope you like us and will stay to write awhile. This is a well written poem that asks an age old question "how do I belong" I think all humans experience trepidation when they strive to belong, weather it is in a school, church, club, or an 'in' crowd. The first line sets the tone of this piece..."I sought to belong".."What is it people want?" This seems a simple question but it is not...is much more profound than it sounds and a question that we all ask ourselves sooner or later. I like the 1st lines in the second stanza...."every twist 'o' fate and time left me more dead than alive." The uncertainty of not knowing where to turn or what to say just to be accepted is overwhelming. ..."swallowing hard I hid the shame"..."eyes glazed but tears never slipping" these are great lines and I can easily feel the pathos in the words. The last stanza lifts the spirits of this reader..."It was all in my mind!" And that, dear poet, is a perfect ending as it is so wise! I enjoyed this and keep writing...I will watch for your work. Peace...Marilyn	2004-01-08 16:14:10
Snow * Revised into Rondolets*	Drenda D. Cooper	Hi Drenda, I have never tried a 'rondlet' but this is absolutely beautiful no matter what form it is written in. The words have a wonderful cadence especially when read aloud...one word flows into the other and each line magically blends with the other...creating amazing music...."white feathers floating to the ground" I have lived where there is snow most of the winter and some snow falls are so soft and feathery...these are my favorite snow falls...."Til rising winds begin to blow and whirl with wailing mournful sound..flurries of fragile flakes around"...I just wish I had written that line! Please forgive me for not being versed in the rondolet form but after reading this I feel my poetic juices awakening and I must try to write one. So first I must find out the rules of a rondolet...I do write an occasional haiku as they are fun but I am certainly a novice. I am always astounded at how much a person can learn on this site...thanks for sharing this. Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-02 17:29:42
cleansing	Sandra J Kelley	Hi Sandra, This is such a melancholy piece and I can easily feel the pathos written by your poetic pen. When I first joined TPL and my work was critiqued I learned that the "the, of, and" are some words that can be deleted with out hurting the integrity of the poem. In reading this piece I see you can do this and still have a lovely poem full of passion. For example...."she stands over a barrel (the) wind touching her hair"...anyway this was a valuable lesson for me....as it tightens up the poem a bit. I really like the way you have used fire as a means of cleansing the soul...for it is the ultimate cleanser after which a new life can begin. This sad lady allows herself to read her own written words one last time before she feeds them to the fire...this is very touching...she does not want to burn the memories of sorrow but knows she must..."She wipes tears or (of) memory from her eyes"...very good phrase here that enhances the sadness of loss. I like the way you have ended this piece with this lady not knowing if she has burned all her sad memories or not....very poingant. Keep writing! Blessings...Marilyn	2004-01-02 10:52:58
Visions of Yesterday	Claire H. Currier	Dear Claire, I am so touched by this poem. If my husband had lived just 45 more days we would have been married 40 years but he died at 59. I can easily understand your mother waiting 40 years for you father to return as she was fairly young when he passed away plus even tho she knows he is gone waiting for him just feels right and it calms her. You have done an excellent job with this piece. It is full of wonderful words that express love and complete understanding for your mother. My husband always fished (and me too) so reading the part about "Fishing, bucket, worms, boat" made me suddenly leap into your mother's memory...."Watching the diamonds dance across the lake"...beautiful imagery of the lake's surface especially at sunrise...."Tucked in the linning of my heart" These are amazing words of a waiting and remembering heart. Also the use of "the inside porch" gives a homey, comfortable, sense to the entire piece. This one will go on my winners list...don't stop writing as I think there are many poems just waiting to find your creative pen. Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-31 15:46:11
Mastering My Illusions	Michele Rae Mann	Hi Michele, I know it is true that some writings are created when the author is under some type of stress...in fact I notice I write with more intensity when I write about a stressful event. I think you have done a good job with this piece in demonstrating that..."pumping, beating, darkness, blackness, trepidation" These words personify stress and the hard sounds make them more profound...."friction, tension, pain, swallow (great) wait" These one words lines are very effective here..when read aloud they remind me of the beats of a march...."voices eased, fear vanished, creativity gone." Apparently not all gone as you so aptly put your emotions into words letting the reader see inside you and feel your pain. Thanks for sharing your intermost feelings and keep writing! Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-31 15:31:22
Christmas in Texas	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, Just wanted you to know I found this little gem and find it very charming. I rarely read a rhyming poem from you and I know you prefer free verse but this is so clever that I think you may want to dabble a bit in rhyme! The first three stanzas ending in "thats the Texas way y'all" is perfect for this Christmas wish...makes the whole piece light and full of fun. Then the last stanza imparts your message "have a merry Christmas y'all. Very clever throughout and well written, as usual!! Be well and I hope you did have a Merry Christmas...I forgot to wish you that when we spoke...I know you will forgive me as I am getting on in years! Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-28 16:21:43
Country Pumpkin	Claire H. Currier	Dear Claire, My goodness where has your poetry been...gone for so long and now you have written this gem and made me laugh and laugh with glee. What an hillarous scene this must have been. The shooting, surely the cooking pans were pinging when they were hit and the cursing...must have the cursing to add spice to this delightful display....I can say delightful as it didn't happen in my house!! A fat juicy squirrel...who is the hunter and who is the huntee...very clever! You watching from your safe perch on the table just adds to the humor of this piece. "dead as a door nob"....out west we all say 'dead as a door nail'....I think I like nob better. Then our poor hunter must lay down to rest a bit as I am sure he was a bit winded after the hunt. I love the last stanza where you bring the reader back into this time and place but it is all the same after all...is it not? My husband used to have bird feeders in our backyard and he had one squirrel (who he named Bandit) who climed up the pole to the bird houses and ate their seed. Everyday he had some contraption that he had dreamed up to combat Bandit but nothing detered that squirrel. One day I came home from work and he said "Well Bandit beat me again today"...I have to confess that I did laugh but he was out there again the next morning to continue the battle of wits. This is such a fun piece with a feel good theme...please keep writing...don't deprive us of your talent! Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-27 22:16:09
The Stoop	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I was so pleased to see your poem on my list...I hope more of them crop up, as well. This one is so fine...the imagery alone deserves a reward. The first stanza is so well written that I can almost taste the mamalade and mint...I don't know how you do this time after time..but you do. In the second stanza you compare the wilting herb to the lack of energy in late afternoon...perfect. In the third stanza you allow the reader to see the a magnificent sunset with words like...persimmon, cinnabar, grape-deep, tints of sunset. I especially like the idea of a sunset having 'tints' such a simple word but the usage of it here is exquisit. In the fourth stanza I am in awe of "a stellar backdrop of cosmic curtains" another prize winning statement. The fifth stanza puts it all together and continues the peaceful emotions that wrapped around us from the beginning line...."unseen life goes on until the sprout of dawn" I find the more I write and the more I read I am drawn to free verse and this one is exceptional. I know I do not read enough poetry from the masters and I should do that in order to hone my craft...or lack of it. I find myself writing from my gut when the moment hits me but I am determined to study more. I too fear that Chris will shut us down for lack of interest and I wish all us faithful poets could come up with some idea that will get more poets to join. If TPL goes away I guess we will have to find another site but so far those I have visited have not measured up to TPL. I love this poem...I will look for more from you. Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-27 21:54:45
The Stoop	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I was so pleased to see your poem on my list...I hope more of them crop up, as well. This one is so fine...the imagery alone deserves a reward. The first stanza is so well written that I can almost taste the mamalade and mint...I don't know how you do this time after time..but you do. In the second stanza you compare the wilting herb to the lack of energy in late afternoon...perfect. In the third stanza you allow the reader to see the a magnificent sunset with words like...persimmon, cinnabar, grape-deep, tints of sunset. I especially like the idea of a sunset having 'tints' such a simple word but the usage of it here is exquisit. In the fourth stanza I am in awe of "a stellar backdrop of cosmic curtains" another prize winning statement. The fifth stanza puts it all together and continues the peaceful emotions that wrapped around us from the beginning line...."unseen life goes on until the sprout of dawn" I find the more I write and the more I read I am drawn to free verse and this one is exceptional. I know I do not read enough poetry from the masters and I should do that in order to hone my craft...or lack of it. I find myself writing from my gut when the moment hits me but I am determined to study more. I too fear that Chris will shut us down for lack of interest and I wish all us faithful poets could come up with some idea that will get more poets to join. If TPL goes away I guess we will have to find another site but so far those I have visited have not measured up to TPL. I love this poem...I will look for more from you. Blessings...Marilyn	2003-12-27 21:54:37
japanese verse 35 (Manger)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, This haiku is so beautiful in its simplicity that I have read it several times just to drink in the words and their message. I love "borrowed crib" I have never heard the 'crib' described as borrowed... but of course it was and the word borrowed explaines in one word how poor Mary and Joseph were. Not able to sleep or give birth in the Inn they did the only thing they could for the birth of their beloved Son. "Wrapped in swaddling clothes".....it was all they had but the clothes they wrapped their Son in, not only covered Him literely but they also wrapped him with their love. All your writings are wonderful in content but this one just grabs this readers heart. It isn't fancy nor does it use complicated verbage....it is just simple in it's beauty which, after all, is the essence of our Lord. Thank you for giving us this lovely reminder of the Lord Jesus' birth. So much of the time we get so caught up with buying gifts for our loved ones we forget the real reason why we are doing it. Peace...Marilyn	2003-12-26 19:43:23
ANGEL	housam majid jarrar	Dear Housam, I have read this piece several times and each time I like it better. I has a soft feel just like an angel..."an angel swept through town" from this first line I knew I would fall in love with your angel. She came to town giving us love, understanding, and hopefully teach us how to love one another in a more profound fashion. She came only to give and not to take which is rare these days. She is not focused on herself and if we just open our eyes to her wonder we can learn from her generosity. The second stanza is my favorite...."I shall hold up a candle until she passes by in hope I don't lose more of what was forgotten."...this is such a poingant statement and aptly relates to our life as mere mortals. Sometimes we do tend to forget those wonderful events as unimportant and if we only pause for a moment and take in the essence and beauty of it we would be so much more contented. Then you tell us how fearful you are about what to ask for but even more what you will receive. I have often hear the statement..."be careful what you ask for" sometimes our prayers are answered in ways that do not please us and can even be scarey.... ...."what am I here for or even what am I here to do"...if only we had the answer to this age old question as I think we all wonder what our purpose is in the scheme of things. We also wonder when a small child dies and the elderly or infirm live on against impossible odds. I like what you have done with this wise angel.....if only she would give us the answer but I fear she will not. Good read...keep writing Peace....Marilyn	2003-12-24 16:51:41
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