Mark Steven Scheffer's E-Mail Address: msscheffer@mac.com
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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Mark Steven Scheffer	Critique Date
Morning Prayer	Joyce P. Hale	Joyce, Sweet, warm, and a nicely Rockwellian feel to this. You handled the meter well, too. A solid effort all around. Mark	2005-08-23 14:25:29
Give Me Shelter	michaela z sefler	Michaela, I just remarked to a gentleman about the value of repetition, and told him he needed to be more subtle. YOu were quite ingenious in your handling of repetition here. Nice effect. Mark	2005-08-23 14:23:35
I Think I Will	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, Love "un-swaddled" and "outlandish grace." The latter I have become immediately fond of, and will take it away with me. :) I can eminently relate to the indecisive "I think I will." :) Gee . . . a two smiley poem. Nice. Mark	2005-08-23 14:21:47
Hungry Heart	Michael Bird	Michael, Hmmmm. Well . . . hmmmm. You appear to be in the early stages of your poetic journey. You're on to something which you should never lose: repetition is a wonderful device. But you need to be a little more subtle with it. Mark	2005-08-23 14:19:33
Beautiful Energy	DeniMari Z.	DeniMari, There are many reasons to write poetry, and one of them may be that you simply enjoy it. I recognize that. Another reason may simply be that you want to be heard. I recognize that too. But I'll give you some of my thoughts on the craft of poetry. A poem is more "how you say it" than what is said. Obviously. Or else why not just write an editorial, or an entry in a journal. You have a great line in here, " [v]anities lair has gone on hiatus." You may mean "vanity's," but anyway. There is such an effective and complex manipulation of vowel sounds in that line that is fantastic. And the eye, in reading, can't help but be charmed by all those As and Is. The repetition of the "n" from vanities in gone is nice too. Now, you may not want to write the whole poem with that type of sound design, it could be cloying. But you should aim at other effects, maybe metrical, or rhymic, whatever, to keep the reader's imagination alive in the encounter with something new or unique, something which entertains by its construction and takes one into the realm of poetry. Like you do in the last stanza, which is really fine, also: If man is meant to pull me up the dark should merge to light Veer then lamb against the cracks With energy trust or might The predominant iambs of the first two lines work nicely to set up that "Veer" in line 3. And then a return to rhyme in the last line was also very effective. The totally unique use of "lamb" as a verb - also very effective. Wonderful stanza. In looking back, the stanza that I thought was weak, "By my tongue," is not as bad as I thought. The last line, with its sudden abundance of stress, somewhat saves it, but the first four lines were rather weak, I thought. So really clever construction and design here. Nice poem. Mark	2005-08-22 11:33:53
Middle East	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, You continue in your "rap" mode. Some nice phrasing throughout, very sensuous. Flesh dazzle, the supernatural breaking through the flesh, wonderful rhythm - did you know that poems don't have to have rhythm (Arnie will tell you all about it) - but, fortunately, you don't belong to that school. This one is definitely on my list. Mark	2005-08-19 23:31:39
The Grooms Gift	stephen g skipper	Stephen, I like the line, "white sand framed with lush green palms." The colors are nice, and the rhythm, / / / x / / / shows an obvious, but wonderful, metrical and rhetorical balance. Mark	2005-08-19 23:26:48
Paula's Paris	stephen g skipper	Stephen, Ah, you made me envious of your Paris and your being in love there. But then again, I return to my present circumstance and the five beautiful, healthy children sleeping above me, and I am very glad to be where I am. But it is nice to read of Paris from one who has been there. As to the poem, the line "I know how lucky a man I am" is surplus and should be thrown into the Seine. Damn, man, that's obvious. Don't ruin a nice poem with such a trite line. Mark	2005-08-19 23:22:15
Fire on Sinai	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, I'm coming across a lot of Old Testament lushness today. Like "Aaron's burninshed gold." You speak of the golden calf? The clash of Moses' tablets - or rather God's tablets of the living law - with the idol. And the winner is . . . You made that crystal clear. Indeed. Mark	2005-08-19 13:38:52
A VESSEL	michaela z sefler	Michaela, Well, well, some Judaic-Christian poetry. The lushness of Joseph's coat of many colors, Noah's rainbow, the grandeur of the Temple and the ark of the covenant . . . you call them to mind with your vessel. The "seat of the Lord" clinched the associations. A poetic vessel made about a vessel made made possible by the Lord's original making - and the string of beautiful creation goes on. Mark	2005-08-19 13:27:24
Contradictions	Audrey R Donegan	Audrey, The "contradictions" you posit are the immortal ones that confront every generation. I was warming up to the contradictions of this zeitgist, and you gave me the fundamental human experience. A nasty hook you have, twelve to six on the dial. To be effective, a "statement" poem like this - one not based on symbol, concrete imagery - must have a compensating rhetorical structure of some interest. It seems you tried to do that by couplets made of contraries, but you did it subtly, and not with the hammer and nail of a less effective, signaling art. Good. You knew what you had to do, and you did it. Mark	2005-08-19 11:19:28
Pole in Hand	Claire H. Currier	Claire, I had something else in mind after the title. Then, when I came to, "Mom tried to get it out," I was goners. Through this prism the author's intent gets . . . bent. There is no excuse for this. I know. The danger of not copying and pasting. Confronted with such purity of remembrance, I can but despoil. Forgive me. Or not. I do hope the former. Mark	2005-08-19 11:00:20
Through My Dark Crystal	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, Nice rap feel to this, the trail, following further back, to Dylan's "Subterrean Homesick Blues." Yes, you took me through it, and darkly too, just like St. Paul said. I like the description of prisons as judgements. They are, and can be - the other way 'round (judgments as prisons), I mean. Mark	2005-08-19 10:03:36
Easy	Kenneth R. Patton	Ken, This has a nice, "easy" feel. It is a soft, contemporary statement (without overt religious terminology, without being driven by any one religion's complex mythology) of a merging into the One - through another. Anyway, that's my reading. It may simply be about the spendid union of love. I know that. Mark	2005-08-19 09:45:00
Demon Night (Thou shalt not kill)	Donna Carter Soles	Donna, Percy Shelley would have been drawn to you. I am sitting in a puddle. There are a number of different fluids that could be the source of the flood. I am afraid to look. Nice beginning. Do you live in Philly? Mark	2005-08-19 09:39:15
Retrieval	Jason S. Moore	Jason, We have replaced the pregnant and imaginative mythos (in plural, mythoses? - sounds like a disease - what say you, Greek - or as President Bush would say, "Grecian" - I think the Prez revealed his Christian roots and faith in that - pick up any good 'ole KJV and you'll see some "Grecians" - anyway that's the way I would have spun it if I was one of the Prez' PR guys during that campaign many moons ago - to get back to where I began . . . scholar (go back about 30 or 40 words where I'm calling you a "Greek . . . scholar") - and now to go back further to the beginning of this all - with (that which replaces the displaced mythoses) reality tv (in place of Aeschylus and Sophocles), Paris Hilton (in place of Aprhodite), and . . . enough already. You keep the Greek alive, I'll try to keep the great Catholic mythos of the Middle Ages alive. I'll meet you around the time of St. Augustine. :) Maybe you can find a ship and we'll go off like two argonauts (you got the name, pal) together, back through the gates of time. Good to hear from you again. When we say things that are somewhat critical around here, people get very touchy. I will say this, then, and duck: there are some spots where the meter is choppy. But not too much for the craft you're in, which can handle anything. Peace, Mark	2005-08-19 09:20:50
Of Frogs, Crickets and Vespers	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, A moment when all of nature rejoices. I take it the "vibratos too passionate" refers to the lack of reason of the little critters, who act blindly on whatever instinctive thing their bodies set them to. But then "consecration of will" - the great, overarching Will of the One above it all who willed it into existence. I love the "make Bach blush" phrase. At the unbridled, instinctive passion? At the simple beauty that effortlessly (it appears) puts to shame his complex polyphonies? Wonderful poem to celebrate another of the Lord's days coming to a close. Mark	2005-08-19 09:07:15
From Down Umbra, Inflecting	Thomas Edward Wright	H, You have captured Mell the poet, and even alluded to his recent endeavors. The rhetorical equipment utilized is a little beyond this simple blusterer, who feels like . . . Your umbrage, nothing more, N	2005-07-18 11:29:28
West of the Sun	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, It is exciting to be a passenger in a different cadillac - the one you're driving up Mt. Parnassus. That is perhaps the great - only? - glory of these internet poetry sites: the watching of others grow in their craft, and your growth with them. As to the poem. The meeting between my wife and I was not like that. The remark may be have nothing to do with this poem; I think it does. Almost all of your poems begin in your personal circumstance, and go out from thence. Like Wordsworth. :) Most of my poems begin on the moon, and come back to me. Like STC. Which is why the idea is not so ridiculous. Nox	2005-07-16 22:16:58
Full Of Crap	Dellena Rovito	Dellena, The universe is a target, ultimately only a symbol. It only has meaning in our responses. I like the imaginative response, and leave action to the rest of them - who "know" the reasons. I'll go so far with you as to there being both bad and good. As to the assertion that they are "even Steven" -that is where you leave me behind. Thoughtful poem. Very alive. This is way we have poetry - to come to terms with not knowing the reasons. Mark	2005-07-16 19:38:42
The Lost Poems of San Francisco	Gene Dixon	BFB, Ah, the delicate, mystic Dixon touch. Where has it been? Your poems are always so . . . chiselled. It was really a pleasure to read this - sincerely. The Master of control and balance you are, Apollo to my Dionysius . . . I long to visit Olympus to see thee, and will check to see if Hephaestus is done with that damn wheel. FP	2005-07-14 15:40:48
The Back Side of the Moon	Mell W. Morris	Mello, I wrote a lengthy reply to this which went off in tangents. But even I'm not that much of an asshole. You are dealing with life and death, and everything else is irrelevant. So the reply was cut - for another forum, perhaps. The world is better for those like you. I'm capable of recognizing that. But it's the ones, like me, that go on and on in perfect health. Therein lies the injustice of it all. I'd be doing nothing but yelling "motherfucker" all the way down. As to poetry: the title is exquiste. So is " Perch with birds like notes on a staff." TEW . . . I'm in love with enigmas. TEW being one of the best. Mark PS - this will most likely not be a PR positive in terms of massaging my TPL image. :) I AM happy to see you still pounding them out, Mell.	2005-07-12 15:06:43
Online dating	Mark Andrew Hislop	MAH, Great concept! The poem, not the online dating. Me, I just have to struggle with the porn. I haven't dated in centuries. You may not have found a babe, but you found your muse. MSS	2005-05-18 21:59:50
senryu	Rachel F. Spinoza	Roni, For some reason I thought this was submitted last month. Ah . . . TPL time. This is delicious. This damn thing says about everything that needs to be said about the situation. And with wit and grace. And with the intangible of allusion to a great literary forebear. Ah . . . the relevance of fine poetry. This "penal" complex. You've made my day, wrighting wright's ruin. Willy would like this one. Nay, love it rather. Mark	2005-05-09 13:08:39
Early May, the Motherless	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, So they come, cashing in credits and poeticizing. This much is certain. If the hearts of this world are hooves . . . You have ruined my day. No, you have cast more ruin among the ruin. Another used condom on the heap. Reminding me, yet again, to focus on the time it is in use. Don't ask. About anything. Just 407 more deam songs to go. Then . . . kaboom. Nox	2005-05-09 13:00:32
Scarlet Embers	Audrey R Donegan	Audrey, You possess a fine, delicate lyricism and exhibit a unique turn of phrase. Qualities that enrich any environs where poetry is the issue. Welcome. I look forward to me of your work. Mark	2005-04-26 22:52:38
Two Sir Isaacs for a Galileo?	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, Galileo. Manny's got something for him. Or so I hear. Didn't get him good enough first time around. You left out that part. It's been fun. Again. If you ever come across an inter-disciplinary Aristotle, claim him for me. No much is too much. My Aquinas is lonely. Nox	2005-04-25 23:06:48
The Feathered Mask	Gene Dixon	BFB, Fascinating poem from your quill. I love this one! I like the ones I can think about for hours - they grow character, and improve the mind. Poems have to be big if they're gonna be worthy of their true Creator - the guy standing at your shoulder. And this one's . . . BIG. I have some idea who this guy is. I think he was here around '02, '03. Right? FP	2005-04-25 22:57:59
Reflections in an Unpolished Stone	Gene Dixon	BFB, What . . . no miracle of the sun? I would feel cheated. Go back and demand something you won't forget. The gentle Dixon touch is all over this. Did you say UNpolished? Liar. You must be, if not dunking, touching the rim by now. FP PS - Between you and Ho . . . My real name begins with M, I believe.	2005-04-23 22:37:01
8 p.m.: The Saturday Evening Post	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, There's this big white box under the poems when you post, and it says "additional notes" or something. I try to avoid that box, too. lately. It makes it more fun when Arnie critiques. I think the last critique he told me something about his masturbating habits. I shan't tell you about my drinking, the abundance or dearth thereof. Or my time in the nuthouse. I am not the critiquer Arnie is. I will tell you that I am becoming a tad concerned, however, about your embracing of Henry. I know this is an intellectual game with you, something to keep you from going insane. But . . . shit, that's all the more reason to become concerned. If only TPL had its version of The Star, or The National Inquirer. But we do have Arnie. Nox PS - I shall e-mail you a copy of Mirari Vos.	2005-04-23 22:29:54
Diamond Life	Thomas Edward Wright	I wake up in the morning and find these coins on the floor, see. And the ceiling has no ho(les). And the mailman has not yet arrived. Anyway, I wake up and I'm in a papal conclave, or in a barroom poker game, with "Henry" - no idea how I got here. Poe, Mays, Mantle, Yogi. I need a Britannica. No. You need a Britannica. I need several drinks, some brain food, and even more irreverence than I have. Which is hard to imagine. The concernancy? The internet. Ah. Horatio the younger. Ah. The human imagination. Ah. I won't even try to keep up with you. Pius XIII	2005-04-22 11:44:11
A Loud Colored Museum Opens its Doors	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, From the synaesthesia of the title right down to the "gnawed lead" - i followed. And what a fascinating journey. If one demands that poetry inspire; if one demands that poetry, in the words of Pope Ratz, be of "concrete gestures that enter the soul"; if one demands . . . You are too profane for panegyric. And too alive. There may be an actual museum somewhere, an actual physical entity you put your head and Henry into that prompted this. Or it may be awl metaphor, picking into some elusive, ice-bound truth. unleashing demons and ids, egos and archetypes . . . a wooly mamouth. An alcholic pours the drink that he had avoided for what seemed an eternity. Berryman, he of the immortal "life bores me." Yes, Berryman. A bridge is as good as a shotgun. A bridge is a shotgun. And so is a museum. Or a cardinal. Or a cat. I could have merely luxuriated in "invaginate" - think about that one - or in "the attitude sharpened by history," or the "cardinal and cat for dinner," or the sublime coda that was Mozartingly delivered in just the right key, the right pitch, the right tempo. But . . . "Where have I been?" Not writing poety. This poem of yours freed a creative force that had been dormant behind doors for much longer than our friends in red were. Forgive me. Spring breaketh forth. Do not seek "sense" in that. Or in poetry. Just take its life. Yours, Nox	2005-04-21 09:54:49
Several Hours after the Death of a Salesman	Thomas Edward Wright	HoHo, Every now and then I read something here or there ( I piss on trees all over the place) that will actually inspire me . . . with my metal lung and all. On those rare ocassions I think of writing again. I remember . . . I feel like that kid in Lord of the Flies, who, when they were rescued, could only remember a word or two from . . . The Lord's Prayer ? . . . Long live the ? . . . Anyway, this vaguely reminds me of when I was sentient. And could recite things that had meaning. You've outdone yourself, Thomas. Outdoubted us all again. And I do believe it matters, somewhere. Noxie	2005-04-20 15:38:21
The Left Slipper	Thomas Edward Wright	Ho, This will go over big her(e). I remember the words that flowed from me in the like circumstance. The one time I've stood in your shoes. I was going to go into a clown bigfoot, rednose gag . . . but that would be inappropriate here, even for me. Mothers, women. I shall go read my own Sophia . . . 'cause someone must. I guess. Mark	2005-03-23 15:17:24
-- -- --what they are doing." Lk.23:34	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, While I may be all over the place in my spiritual journey, I always have a love and profound admiration for Christ. The Son of God, to us . . . the greatest of all men - should be to all. Nice to see poetry in His name. Mark	2005-03-03 11:01:25
Politics and Prayers	Gene Dixon	Gene, Upon fourth reading the "eeriness" is just enhanced: "if your life is longer than a span." Third quatrain, too. It's as if God were telling us something. Very, very strange. This could be a case study in how two human minds can come up with something very similar without any plagiary being involved. Makes me think sometimes we're too quick to level the plagiary charge. Certain model cars share the same quirks, and two human brains can make similar metaphorical methaphorical leaps, can have very similar thoughts. But the pattern, I think, and the timing, shows something more . . . purposeful afoot. Gee, this is a case study that can lead to some very elabortate theological reflection, too. BFB, Alright, enough with the serious blather. This pod ain't big enough for that moron, MSS, I swear. He just goes on and on . . . and he's so gullible! You're a snake with the morality of a snake. I'm sure Rachel and some of our plagiarism hunters will not tolerate this masquerade. You shoulda stayed in hiding! Say your prayers and give you know who - your better half (btw, that expression comes from Sir Philip Sydney - who was a bachelor, and didn't know what the hell he was talkin' about (in most cases other than yours)) - a long kiss 'cause you're gonna be hangin' from a rope in less than a fortnight - Pacific time. FP	2005-02-20 07:17:24
Arioso	Rick Barnes	Rick, A powerful poem that comes from that sacred core inside one. My only critical comment would be on the last line, which certainly works conceptually, but somehow let took me down a bit from the high pastures I was moving through before getting there. I don't know if that observation has any legitimate value, and may just be an aberrant, meaningless register from my peculiar self. I'm probably missing much because I'm not familiar with opera and its forms - to which the title, i believe, alludes. Great write. Mark	2004-11-11 11:33:26
Duet	Mark Andrew Hislop	MAH, Interesting work from one of our pre-eminent stylists and craftsmen. Some sort of mentoring relationship you describe, and it doesn't really matter what is being mentored - it is the relationship and the exchange that is the point. Keep 'em coming. MSS	2004-10-29 14:03:21
Colombo day	Mark Andrew Hislop	MAH, Reminds me of Yeats' "foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart." Also reminds me why it is good to stick around here: you do not see poetry like this posted on other websites. A pleasre being associated with you, here. A real treat. A good one, as they say. Like to see you're still wearing your tuxedo and pursuing your formal side. It looks good on you. MSS	2004-10-14 16:34:53
Moving On	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, I will not attempt to explain it, but the first stanza strikes me as one of the most amazing representations of "puttering around" in the peace of nature that i've ever read. On the last day of summer I pile dead vines and withered flowers, then bend in search of living things. I raise the heavy planter with care, holding a mouthful of air, looking for a pair of frogs who live under the pot. Wow. There is something about that word choice, some quality in those words (I think the diphtongs - flOWers, mOUthful, lOOking - and big, round o vowels, perhaps), that suggest a peacefulness and an ease in a lovely afternoon in the garden that . . . well, wow. Even though you are describing activity, I see a hammock with my name on it. But, then again, I'm always dreaming of hammocks with my name on it, 'cause in dreams is about as close as i'll come. Anyway, that first stanza struck me so. Definitely the o vowels and those big mouthfuls, i think. Remarkable effect. Mark	2004-09-23 16:42:39
Mass of tears	Mark Andrew Hislop	MAH, Well, here it is almost 3 in the am, and I'm in the fuckin' office writing a legal brief . . . even I deserve a bit of respite. You, my dear, are my respite. Let's see. Wow, nice (in a manner of speaking) choice of verb in "gelds." Apropos (most like i gelded a vowel or consonant from that word) - or rather not, especially of late - the eucharist and the celibate sacrificer in Jesus' stead. Sometimes poems take vital strenghth (in terms of form) from their message, and the message in fact takes on a formal quality. This is one of those poems. I like it that you are experimenting with the metrical. If you understood that the paragraph before the penultimate, explain it to me. I wish I had a drink. I will greet the sunrise with open eyes and need of a shower and sleep. Thanks for the brief respite. Up Over, MSS	2004-09-20 03:03:53
Stones Will Sing	Joanne M Uppendahl	Great Aunty, A beautiful lyric! Written with great, sure control of your craft. Kudos. Mark	2004-09-15 14:11:56
Customized Love	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, This one was very Hallmarkian I thought. Ok. I'll accept it on those terms, and not chastise you for not writing a poem i would have written. This would be a great Hallmark Card poem: I don't mean that in a negative way. This one just wasn't my style. But it was effective in light of the more limited ambition you set for yourself here. Mark	2004-08-26 15:22:49
INSOMNIA	Jana Buck Hanks	Jana, Delightful piece of an endless night. Not a single line that i would criticize as superfluous. Love those "wanton / ones." And the "stomach Bullfrog" with his "sleepless lullabies." A very solid, well-written poem. Another on my list. You got voice. Mark	2004-08-26 13:59:05
Envisaging an Archetype	Rachel F. Spinoza	Interesting. I think i missed this one way back.	2004-08-19 15:31:01
Red Sand	Wayne R. Leach	Wayne, Nice use of the contrasting colors. Your creative use of the colors and/or color, dark, white, red, gives a certain power to the nouns "agony" and "anger" - it almost objectifies those emotions. Well done. Mark	2004-08-19 09:44:36
First Visit	Edwin John Krizek	Ed, Gee, your really have great potential in this poem. I love the voice. It needs rewriting, editing, cutting. It would take me an hour or two, time i don't have. You're on your own. As we all are. But this one really has the potential to be something good. And . . . it's nice to get a sense of who you are. Thanks. Mark	2004-08-19 09:25:41
America	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, There are some very delicate and wonderful things you do in this poem with regard to sound and sound patterning. At times, you take us through a variety of vowel sounds, just repeating them sparely, as in these lines: the drifting sand with strokes of copper, and dabs of crimson on wheated grasses. That's really, really wonderful. Could have been written by Sidney, or Marlowe. Seriously. What a pleasure for the ear! Tnanks, Mark	2004-08-19 09:21:24
Lavender Luminance	Mell W. Morris	Mell, I got the sense here that your verbal ingenuity was on a leash a bit - which is a good thing. You had the big Mell words, like "de rigueuer," "vatic" and "adumbrated," but they seemed to grow more naturally out of the poem than at other times. Other times I've gotten the sense, upon hitting your big words, that here's someone being clever. This one has an odd hold on me. That means . . . it's good. I know that much. :) Mark	2004-08-18 16:16:32
Trip to the City	Edwin John Krizek	Ed, A sincere, heart-felt poem that brought joy and a smile. Nothing wrong with that. Mark	2004-08-18 16:12:19
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Mark Steven Scheffer	Critique Date

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