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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Irene E Fraley||Critique Date|
|Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part III||Mandie J Overocker||I read this poem with interest. The rhyme scheme is simple, well done, the feelings raw and communicative. I have been where you are and there is hope. Trust yourself, trust the process. Keep on writing.One thing that used to work for me is to use extended metaphors. Might help. Good luck! Irene Fraley||2011-03-01 13:47:54|
|Tears Fall||cheyenne smyth||Good imagery! I wondered about the subject until I read your note. I hope you will forgive me if I noticed at once that I could take the first and last line of each stanza of this poem and produce another. I like the simplicity of the writing. I liked your sonnet also... Rene Fraley||2010-01-22 15:01:36|
|Love Tide||marilyn terwilleger||Lovely sonnet! The form is used properly as to intent, structure. The imagery is good. Thanks for a valuable lesson in the sonnet for... Rene Fraley||2010-01-22 14:47:12|
|Unsettled||James C. Horak||I like the economy of this poem and the feelings it inspires with each line. The "punch" at the end made me return to the top, re-read and re-evaluate. The imagery is clear, the motion of the poem seems to advance in measured steps, and yet smoothly. You never cease to amaze me. I have returned many times over the years to read your works and have been rewarded each time with a lesson in the art. Thanks, Irene Fraley||2009-09-04 13:39:06|
|Almost Prose (leaning)||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, I really like this one! there's something about the flow of the poem, the ease of movement from one association to another, that keeps the reader's interet. The images are really excellent, easy to picture, easy to hear, feel and identify with as one reads. There is a constant feeling of motion forward , (like rolling down the road)as one reads which, of course, suits the poem's theme etc. I enjoy the structure of the line, as it's not boring, and I particularly like this because it's easy for me to understand. I thought that perhaps where you say, like I was once" It might work better if you say "as" instead "like" as you said like 8 lines above. That's all that really hit my ear. Take care and thanks for this one. i did identify in many ways... Rene||2004-06-04 21:04:44|
|Remembering||Karen Ragan||I think this is extremely well written. The imagery is clear, the emotions conveyed powerfully. The poem moves forward smoothly, but not so headlong that the reader cannot pause and savor the lines. I would suggest that considering the subject of the poem, perhaps "lasts" would work better in line one of the final stanza. Now, on a personal level, my sympathies to you and yours. Losses such as these are so wrenching. I'm glad that your faith is with you. Take care, Rene||2004-05-19 15:55:28|
|Of Flowers, Bees and Meteors||Joanne M Uppendahl||Hi Joanne, I liked this moment of thought and emotion. I'm not flower knowlegeble, but heaven sounds good to me this way! There was one image that struck me as being out of balance. "hum blue tunes at dusk." I say out of balance, because all the other flower imagery is unexpected, and "the blues" is very much expected as the next words. Does that make sense? It just struck me as I was reading, so I had to stop and reread to see why my unconscious hesitated. Otherwise, I think this is quite good. Take care, Rene||2004-05-19 15:41:28|
|Beside the Gate||Joanne M Uppendahl||There is a wonderfull flow to this poem. The imagery is excellent (as usual), the tone is almost one of musing. The use of the imagery in refference to time is very well done. I sat for a few minutes, just struck with the idea of Time (seasons in proigression) wrapping about the house. What a wonderful image! My favorite image was the books standing by in somber readiness. I truly identify with this poem. The tone at the end though, made me somewhat uncomfortable. I rather suspect that is "my stuff", or perhaps an echo of hidden feelings. Thanks for this poem Joannne. I don't expect that this has been much of a critique, but I honestly don't see anything that needs changing. Take care, Rene||2004-05-17 15:06:07|
|I Wish I Could Write A Sonnet||marilyn terwilleger||Hi Marilyn, A tried and true format, saying you can't as you do! I enjoyed this, particularly the nature imagery. The 14 line modern sonnet. I think it's a fine beginning. For better to be yourself than a immitation Donne or Shakespeare! I really don't see where it needs change, Rene||2004-05-10 20:17:44|
|Just For Fun||Marcia McCaslin||Hi Marcia, I read this at work, and really enjoyed it. RThe idea is creative, the imagery good, and the sense of humor, excellent! I enjoyed the rhythm of the poem as it lilted on down the path, and tried to picture what kind of horse you were riding. (I settled for a 5 gaited saddlebred, so all meters were covered.)The poem sort of canters along; not a collected canter, a nice unrestrained comfortable canter. I wondered what a qwerty board was. Would you tell me? The part I particularly liked was, "The bridges I built and the bridges I crossed And, with heartache, the bridges I burned." That seems so very human, and really appealed to my emotions. I have no suggestions for change. Thanks for the gift, Rene||2004-05-10 20:08:08|
|My Mom's Motherhood||Thomas Edward Wright||Hi Tom, I read this in the morning before work, but didn't have time to critique the poem. Then I decided not to: exactly. There's no way I would critique this as a poem. The message is too real, the feelings heartfelt. I will It must be wonderful to have memories of a mother like this. Mine died when I was four, and I have no memories to hang on to. Thanks for the poem. I liked it, particularly trying to picture each moment listed. Rene||2004-05-10 19:57:52|
|Gone Daddy Gone||Regis L Chapman||Hello Regis, I read this poem and became intrigued with the structure. The tercets rhyme by stanza's a,s,c. Did you create this on purpose, or is it a well known fixed form? At any rate I liked it. I read the poem as it stands, and then read it by using only L1 in each poem, Then L2, and then L3: And it worked that way also. The last line confused me a bit. The alliteration works, but I wasn't sure if it was a description or a statement. Maybe both? Discussing death is always difficult, one we realize that it means "no more forever." That finality is frightening. And yet, don't we all harbor a hidden hope that there is more somehow, for us? I do. In L2 of the last stanza I think there is a typo. Easy fix! I was also thinking of the title. I find it interesting that the family is at the center of your poem. It is the loss of you as the daddy that you focus upon. (I hope I read this correctly.) That to me shows the fine character of the poet. I have no sugestions for changes really (except the typo)but would appreciate knowing if I read the poem as you intended. It's always a pleasure to read your work. Take care, Rene||2004-05-06 08:12:27|
|organ-i||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, I liked this and found it interesting to read. I agree with you that we all are at some level searching for who we are and what the heck we are doing here. We speak to ourselves in everything we do, unconsciously asking questions of our minds and brains. I have to separate these, because in matters of basic movement and balance, it is the brain's "unpsychological" process that is being addressed. We wonder. Isn't that one of the things that indicates our humanity? On another level, as a poem to your wife, this is lovely. Isn't it a marvel that we always strive to be one with others, and yet remain forever separate? Words are all that connect us (except what I think of as the "God" part) and we are always lonely at some level.Poetry is indeed one of the best way to speak honestly to others of who we really are. I'll comment on the poem's structure etc a bit. The imagery is clear, easy to picture. The poem supports the message, particularly in the single word ending line, which really gives it a punch. Now, as a human being who has had some slight mental disturbances, let me tell you that we all look inward and say hello to ourselves at some point, but only a favored few get an answer! It is an amazing experience, and one I that God for every day. (It's also very frightening in the beginning.) I rarely experience that now, and I rarely write to the level it inspired. I miss the rush of creativity that comes with it.I thank you for this poem as it "keeps it green" for me. Take care, Rene||2004-05-05 07:53:37|
|Haiku:Glory||Valene L Johnson||Beautiful, Valene, There is a feeling of exploding joy in this senyru or haiku. (I hope I spelled that correctly!) I'm not sure which catagory this poem fits into. The poem fits the form of both in part. The imagery is good, and there is a slight twist in the last line. The syllable count is correct. I read your note, and wondered why you said you were sorry for a "mistake". Mistakes are the tools we use to learn through. I need mine, and I hate to tell you how many typo's, missed meters, reversed iambics etc I have posted here. I just posted a poem last week with the title misspelled. I don't feel bad, as I need those things to be corrected so I can get it right when I write for a contest or placement in a paper or journal. The thing is, you can write! So keep on submitting so I can read more! Rene Fraley||2004-05-04 20:00:21|
|How not to have you||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark, First, I love the imagery! The last three lines are way good! In the next-to-last line there is a typo (then for than)which is an easy fix. My favorite lnes seem to be the ones where the imagery has a twist, eg: "After a downpour of hooves" and "when we rode raindrops down the mountain," and " smiles as wide as a horseís horizon,". I particularly enjoyed the equine imagery as I'm married to a horseman. The only place I had to stop and re-read was in stanza 4, with the two "took"s. Maybe "moved" would work in place of the second "Took". Thanks for the poem Mark, Rene||2004-05-04 19:47:17|
|Summer||Sherri L Smith||Hi Sherri, I Like the Haiku, and it's making me impatient with Ms. Spring. The use of alliteration really works to tie the poem together with all the "s" sounds. I think it gives a sense of softness to the mental feel of the poem. The form is met, although I didn't find a "twist" at the end. Is that absolutely needed for this form? I'm not well educated on Haiku, so I need to ask. Thanks for the preview of a season that is never long enough to suit me, Rene||2004-04-18 10:32:15|
|Baby In The Grey Cloud||Marcia McCaslin||Hi marcia, I like this poem. The title is wonderfully intriguing. The imagery is good, the flow of the poem moves well. I did have a problem with frustration, though, as I have no idea at all about who is the subject of the poem. Perhaps this is a great star, singing and dancing, but nosey me is dying to know "WHO"? I see no need to change what you've written, but perhaps a little additional information would help the reader. Is this you? I really would like to know. As an adopted child, this resonated with me. Rene||2004-04-15 18:28:47|
|Changing With The Changes||Marcia McCaslin||Oh, this is lovely! I have tears in my eyes at the depth of love portrayed here. The imagery is good, each scene easily pictured, and the story flows forward smoothly. the questions tell so much more than is apparent on the surface. he worries that she did not hear him say heloved her before she dies. His heart is shattered. Poet you say so much with so little! The repetition of "He loved her" underscores the depth of feeling in the poem. He knew it made her happy to cook for him, and yes, that was telling her he loved her. My favorite lines in this poem are, "She had been his unfolding, just as gently as he had been her unflowering." This says so much about the tenderness of his love, and the nurturing of hers. I don't know if these are friends or relatives, or even real, but this poem makes me want to tell him how very sorry I am for his loss. Take care. Boy, you sure can write! Rene||2004-04-12 17:43:42|
|I Took You With Me||Rick Barnes||Hi Rick, This is a poem of love to me. Whether you are speaking to a mother, father, lover, child, this is a poem of love. The imagery in this poem is beautifuly spare, setting a tone of angles, sharpness and contrast. It reminds me of a pen and ink sketch. The depth of love is shown by all that is discarded, pared, to reach the essential of what the individual has meant to you, and has influenced you. I liked this poem very much, particularly, "You cast dark contrasting pools With sharp shadow lines That define the juncture Between where you are And where you are not." To me this is the center of the poem. No suggestions for change, Rene||2004-04-11 11:26:23|
|Elena,her Ninja,and Chernobyl||Michael Bird||Hi Michael, This is a very graphic and vivid portrait of Chernobyl, the accident and its aftermath. Elena comes to life as a real person with a real need for freedom. I wondered if the name, "Ninja" is a trademark name for the model of motocycle, or the company that makes it? The sense of desperation and desolation comes through clearly. Perhaps the horror of Chernobyl is strengthened by the calm way in which the death statistics are listed, and by the other things which are no longer there. I think I like this better than any of yours I have read previously. Thanks Michael. I have no suggestion for changes. Rene Fraley||2004-04-11 11:16:47|
|Rock a Bide Woman||Lynda G Smith||Hi Lynda, I can identify with this poem. When we seek to uncover ourselves by looking within, it is as if we were being found in the block of granite or marble by an emotional sculptor. I think the use of "(((((Pound)))))" works well to give the poem's central image greater power, as it is very visceral. Your use of space is good, as is the use of repetition. the sense of fear, longing and dread of being discovered is well presented. Above all, i am impressed by the imagery you use in the poem, and the use of Language, mature language, which creates those images. Good job! Thanks for sharing this with us, I-Rene Fraley||2004-04-10 20:29:44|
|Midnight Stallion||marilyn terwilleger||I'm not sure, but this seems like a dream to me. The poem seems to be written on many levels, and is of love and beauty, of winter and spring in the psyche. This re-birth is all the magic of storm and horse, of barrenness and creativity, of beauty owning the heart and nature. I love the power of the horse. perhaps this is a real horse, or perhaps it is symbolic for sexuality. It is, you tell us, a mustang. Not a pure-bred, but a symbol of wildness and freedom. The last stanza tells us so much about the effect of the horse upon the poet. It revives the poet, frees her and breaks the walls that have surrounded her. As a love poem, I find this excellent. As symbolism, I find it lovely. Good stuff. Thanks Marilyn! Rene||2004-04-10 20:04:20|
|So What||Regis L Chapman||I liked this rhymed, smooth flowing and interesting poem. I like the rhythm of it, the sounds of the words and the feeling that someone is being himself, thank-you-very-much! So wonderful to see someone just having his kind of fun! I like the inner rhymes, and the end-line rhymes, and the irregular placement of same. As I read I felt I was listening to someone real, and that counts. Someone told me that the word, "SO?" is the perfect answer to any negative question of statement. Seems to work here! Rene||2004-04-06 19:07:45|
|High-ku||Andrea M. Taylor||Hi Andrea, Lovely images. A whole picture from the huge to the very small in three short lines. I love the thought of the universe and stars being a field of wishes. What a wonderful thought. The title shows humor, (which doesn't hurt at all!) and grabs the reader's attention. The alliteration of "s" sounds gives a soft swishing feeling. Very well done! Rene Fraley||2004-03-31 19:55:26|
|Inter Dialougue With One's Self||Cathy Hill Cook||Hi Cathy, This internal battle or revery (can't quite figure out which,)reminds me of the internal discussion I used to have when I was seriously dissociated. It takes such energy to keep all that up! You have done a good job off presenting a stream of consciousness poem. There are a few typos that are easily fixed. For example, in line 2, you have "Whys" instead of "why's" I think one thing that would really help the reader to get a better idea of your messege, would be to not have each line start with a capital letter. It just makes for easier reading. I like some of the imagery you used, particularly, "Like Chinese handcuffs pulling hard, fingers caught in the woven mesh tightly inward. A knots in my shoe, pulling and twisting to get it through. It gets even tighter, so I pull and tug like a fighter." The similies work well for the poem, and also permit the reader to identify easily with the problem. There is good internal rhyme in the fifth line of the fifth stanza. I wondered if it would help if you wroter the title "Inter-Dialogue With One's Self"? Good luck with this. I will be interested to read more of your poetry. Rene Fraley||2004-03-23 13:54:59|
|Two Roads||jeramy j gordy||Hi Jeramy, Another new name to me. Welcome! I enjoyed reading this story poem, or maybe I should say parable. The poem read well, the imagery was good and there was good flow to the poem. It told its story, gave its lesson and didn't preach, which I very much appreciated. I liked the way in which the poem ended with a question to the reader. I think there were a few changes of tenses which my mind semi-registered: "He sat and thought that if I live a wild life now, What will it be in the end After long times of thinking he changed the direction He went to the other road People made fun of him but he didnít care He knows this way is right" [knew?] [was?] This is a little confusing to the reader and it might help if the tenses are made consistant, otherwise I have no suggestions. Take care, and again, welcome! Rene Fraley||2004-03-18 19:27:36|
|Courage is Fear That Has Said Its Prayers||Cathy Hill Cook||Hi Cathy, Your name is new to me, so let me say "Welcome!" I love the messege of this poem. It is so very hard to let go of our old, entrenched fears, and to my mind does need intervention by the Creator Of All sometimes. As I was reading this poem I was struck by the rhyming. I think you did quite well. If I had any suggestion to give you it would be to try and simplify the language of the poem and the line length. These things pour out of our hearts and then we all have a tendency to try and decorate them in the name of poetry, when they were perfectly alright as origionally conceived. (At least I do this, perhaps I'm just projecting!) If you will please forgive me for taking the liberty, I'll try to show you what I'm picturing. It's your poem, so please feel free to tell me to take a flying leap... Once in that hour of dreams I held so dear, my grip so tight they melted with fear, ... Does that make sense to you? It's just one poet's viewpoint (and I'm no great shakes at this stuff) so take it with a grain of salt. That said, I absolutely love the image and similie you presented in, "I realized fearsome worry is like that of a rocking chair. Its intentions is to keep rocking and gets you virtually no where." (I would say "intention" here.) I will continue to follow this poem and you as you continue to post here. It's obvious that you can write well. Rene Fraley||2004-03-18 07:56:01|
|The Splendor of Fire||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Hi Jordan, Fire is such a wonderful metaphore and symbol, and can be used in many wonderful ways in poetry. here you have presented us with the fire in the stove, which nourishes us. Then you present the fire of the furnace, which warms us physically, and the fire of the kiln which nourishes creativity. Finally, you give us the fire of the heart, of love. Line two in the 4th stanza needs a little bit of "tweaking". I have an image of the loved one being held in your memory or mind for you to look at mentally. "Lighting the place I dwell you" - Did you mean the place you hold her in memory? "There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes." I'm ashamed to say I don't know what "effulgent eyes" means. I looked it up in my dictionary, but couldn't find it. I got the sense of "weeping", but that's a guess. Maybe if you said it a little simpler it would work a bit better? Also, how did you intend to use "pipe"? I didn't know if it was a musical pipe, a copper pipe, or a typo for "peep". In line 9 there is a typo which is easily fixed. Now, all that said, I think this poem is lovely. It reads well out loud, most of the imagery is clear, and the emotions you are feeling come through very clearly. The flow is excellent. I would be so honored if my husband had written something like this for me, and very grateful. She is a lucky lady. Rene||2004-03-16 20:26:45|
|Memories of Bertha||Sherri L. West||Hi Sherri, Welcome. And indeed, well come! I liked this poem. The imagery was clear and easy to picture. As I read the poem, it moved forward well and I didn't get "brought to a halt" as I read, trying to figure something out. I don't know if this is "poetry" or a prose poem, and i don't care. It's lovely to read. The repetition in the poem seems to set the mood for me, as it establishes the relationship itself as being "special". keep on writing, Sherri. I like the flow of your words. Rene||2004-03-15 19:17:36|
|a glimpse, a view||Erin E Roland||Interesting poem Erin, Is this a love poem, telling of two people facing life together, a poem of recovery, working with a therapist, a poem of friendship or a poem about writing poetry? I can read this in all four of these ways, and this is why I find it so interesting. The poem flows well, has good imagery and brings us, the readers, right inside the poem with the poet. The use of the image of "Breath" is used very well. There are two lines that I found a little confusing, "such life the breath that brings the colors vivid to my eyes" I didn't know how to connect these lines with what proceeded and suceeded them. The meaning is there, it just didn't seem to associate for me. I am really looking forward to hearing from you how I should be reading this poem. I liked it. Rene Fraley||2004-02-24 07:47:04|
|Truth||Rachel F. Spinoza||Hi Rachel, I don't think I've ever read a sonnet of yours before. This has your voice for sure. The English sonnet form is mostly met. The poem flows well until the 10th line, where the change of meter caused me to stumble in the reading. I think the problem lies in the word "elaborate" which can sound as two syllables or three, depending on how the word is pronounced. A little editing should fix this. I worked on this today at work and might suggest, "in convoluted lies, find hidden berth/birth" which might rhyme with "earth" a bit better than "warmth". the only other thing I could think of was, "to find in fancy lies a sort of warmth". I don't mean to be rude or want you to think I'm trying to re-write your poem. I'm not, but it's so interesting I just wanted to help with the meter to help the flow. Would you be willing to give me the "background" for this poem, as I'm unacquainted with the work Mel Gibson did to inspire this poem. Lastly, I absolutely love line six! What a marvelous emotion provoking image that is! Take care and I appologise if I've taken liberties with your work. Rene||2004-02-19 19:52:32|
|Closer to Far Away (edit)||Joanne M Uppendahl||This is different for you, Joanne and very interesting to see. The first thing that struck me was the intense use of space in the poem. Even the white space works towards supporting the wonder you are showing. (Scientifically, of course.) The second thing I noticed was the use of the capital letter in "Someone" which for me drew in another whole dimension of understanding and meaning to the piece. "Now photographed: a spot ( . ) in limitless sea in a room missing ceiling or walls moving in endless expanse, flowing in bankless streams." This is a magical stanza. The image of the universe as a room without ceiling or walls is breath-stealing, and then you follow it with another set of contrasting (perhaps conflicting) images which also works to give us the feeling of endless hugeness and flow. This is the sort of thing that I was trying to do in "Beethovan" and "Bach", as it seems to be the only way to put absolute endlessness into focus. Francis Thompson would have been cheering. I have to tell you that most of my screen-saver on my computer is made up of Hubble images, so I know the wonder of it. The poem is good. Rene||2004-02-17 20:39:15|
|untitled||Mick Fraser||Hi Mick, My immediate reaction was that this could be titled "Human". We all are a mix, aren't we? How can I possibly appreciate the absense of pain if I have never felt pain? "Balance" might also work. That is what I thought you were working towards as I read the poem. I like the simple listing, as it makes us think as a reader, and also gives us a bit of mystery as we wonder what's the destination. Maybe I'll try a list poem as part of my ten required, but I doubt it will be as good as this. Thanks for the inspiration! Rene||2004-02-16 11:34:58|
|HeartCircles||Rebecca Lee||Hi Rebecca, I admire the imagery and flow of this poem. It works well to carry your messege. The metephors really work well, creating the emotional response that (I think) you want. There is a gentle beauty here that doesn't deny the existance of pain, but rather incorporates it as a part of life with a value of its own. The only thing I would suggest for this poem would be that you become consistant with the punctuation. I'm referring to either having it, or not having it, as the mix caused me as a reader to stop reading and go back to re-read. It just interrupts the flow of the reader's attention. Also there is a typo in line 6, where "its" is written as "it's". The title is excellent, making the reader pay attention. Thanks for sharing this poem. It shows a lot of growth in you as a person and a poet. Rene||2004-02-16 11:27:09|
|Senyru 132||Michael J. Cluff||This had a kick! Hi Michael! Interesting poem. The syllable count seems OK if you blur the "s" into the "c" of corpse. The image you present is very strong, certainly emotional. The guy got what he deserved, I guess or do I read it the desert was the place where he was born? Anyhoo, I like it for the impact of the imager used. Write on! Rene||2004-02-13 15:03:52|
|Every Poem An Autograph||Mell W. Morris||Lovely poem. This is one of those teaching poems that informs and educates us about ourselves and the poet. The past is reflected in our present as surely as we would not be who we are without it. I like the "voice" of this poem which speaks to us simply about one thing most basic to our poetry. The working out of old lessons on a new canvas. I like the positive ending stanza, as it sees to me there is a hidden chord of gratitude being sounded. (I could be projecting though!) I see no reason to change this poem. It reads well, really says something important and sounds a hidden song to boot! Thanks Mell, Rene||2004-02-08 19:36:23|
|Dreams Will Come||Michael Bird||Hi Michael, I wondered if this was a song as I read. The repetition of the lines, "Just lay your pretty head right down Let your hair fall all around" sounded like a refrain to me. There is a fairly complicated rhyme scheme in this poem and it must have been a challenge to meet the form. The image you present of a child being soothed and being given a "lullabye" poem is really nice and easy for the reader to picture. The mix of couplets with alternate lines rhying is interesting. I did stumble in the reading out loud in the first and fourth stanza, as the rhhythm seemed to change. I enjoyed this poem, particularly as it reminded me of my children when they were little. Rene Fraley||2004-02-06 14:54:38|
|Sam||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, Again a poem I really like! The description of Sam is well done. The personality of the cat comes through clearly in the poem. One this I particularly like about this poem is that it tells us something very nice about the poet himself. This is a softer, more human side of your writing, and the ease with which Sam is presented to us shows good usage of language. "but it's not of her I would now speak It's Sam, with a name as plain as a sailor or tailor, or drunk on the street it's Sam, Sammers, and Sammy to some Sam on her back looking cute Sam on your chest Sam under covers will come" The lilting rhythm of this stanza made it my favorite. The variations on Sam's name sets a loving tone to the lines. We also had a Sam, (only she was Samantha) who was alternately called Sammy, Sam and Sammers, so I know the tone of voice and heart those sounds incorporate. I also detected a sort of "Seuss" feel to this poem. Was it purposefull? This is a poem that will appeal to a wide variety of readers, and I really enjoyed reading it. Rene||2004-02-04 17:14:42|
|Delay||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, Today indeed! I liked this short, rhymed, metered poem. It seems as if progress has brought us all - "Hurry up and Wait" - I like the simplicity of this commentary, particularly the "calming" line 3, which is so typical of the petty government agencies of today. I always get nervouse when someone says, "everything is fine". If it's fine, why would you feel the need to tell people? Thanks for this poem. It was a fun read, Rene||2004-02-04 17:00:58|
|Sweet Irony||Robin Ann Crandell||Hello Robin, I am so sorry that your love was unrequited. That is so sad! I will address the poem itself first: The poem is neither rhymed nor metered. It has good flow, moving well from beginning to end, with no appreciable halts. The first person voice works well here, the emotions come through powerfully, and yet are not overrwhelming. The reader is able to identify with the poet at once. I particularly liked "the sweet mist of your breath", which I though was a striking image. On a personal note, I hope that writing this down has helped you. I find that the only way to let go of something is to write it to death, and I'm glad to see you have the start of a sad acceptance. I won't offer you a "band-aid", as only you can pace your healing, but know that you are not alone. Take care and please keep on writing. It's obvious that you have skill... Rene||2004-01-30 15:29:25|
|Shadow of Still||DeniMari Z.||Hello DeniMarie, Your name is new to me, so welcome here. I love this type of Self talk! This rhymed poem, written in couplets, seems to be about letting go of and accepting the past, not living in the future, and moving on with your life. This could be about a relationship or a loss of a loved one, or simply a change in your life. I like the way we are able to guess at the situation. The imagery, such as "the shadow of still" is really interesting and as I read it I thought of the struggles I have had to let certain things go through therapy, and how they seem to be gane and then sneak up behind me to bite me when I'm not looking! It takes time. I hope that I run into more of your work. I like the honesty of your voice. Rene Fraley||2004-01-30 09:25:39|
|Tentacles||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, What I like most about this poem is the sound of it as it moves forward. It has a timber of "yearning", if that is possible, and the feel of gentle revery. These stanza's in particular seem to have managed this effect. "many fingers, many minds reaching forth reaching back teaching the language found in symbols and signs many lingers, many lines leading forth leading back soothing then removing the sage bound in gimbals and vines" The language makes us stretch as readers, the repetition not only ties the poem together, but also provides a rhythem that is soothing and, like a lazy turning river, moves the poem forward gently. Along with this comment I have to say that I think the structure makes good use of space. The rhymes, internal and at the line's end, also serve to tie the poem together. Really good stuff. I don't know how you managed to do this at work where there are, I'm sure, many distractions. There really is something special about a community of writers that are bent on nothing but helping each other to write their individual truths. Thanks for sharing this, Regis! Rene||2004-01-30 09:14:18|
|In Tribute||Ronda Michelle Nelson||Hi Rhonda, Wow! An epic poem, and one that tells an interesing story to boot! I enjoyed this unmetered, rhymed poem. The story of the "CSS Hunley" is a good one with adventure, action, good imagery and romance. I was impressed at the many difficult rhymes you found, which I thought showed a very creative mind indeed. There is one set of lines that I particularly liked for its imager, "But the ocean wasn't to give them back, those that disturbed her rest her lantern faded slowly into the mist, inhaled by the ocean's breath." Good writing, especially, "inhaled by the ocean's breath." Thanks for sharing this poem with us Ronda, Rene Fraley||2004-01-27 19:55:13|
|Tornado||marilyn terwilleger||Hi Marilyn, What caught my interest in this poem was the really good imagery. The typhoon is described in terms of actions and consequences and is easily pictured in the mind. The "Typhoon" acrostic is well done and seems natural to me. I had to look for it to check. Is there another fixed form happening here? I asked because I wondered why you used "o're" instead of "over" which sounds less contrived. I thought perhaps you were meeting a strict syllable count. I like the way the words imitate the typhoon in the way they seem to whoosh through in "winds whirl" and the words "distruction" and "devestating" have such a percussive, hard sound. I like this... Rene||2004-01-26 08:44:18|
|Farther Father||Regis L Chapman||The pain, defiance (which is growth to me)and honesty of this poem really struck me. Now this IS a confessional poem! I thought of childhood abuse, (emotional and physical), abandonment, therapy perhaps, and growth as I read. There is both a feeling of deep pain directly felt, and also a sense of detatchment. I don't know how you did that, except perhaps lines 4,8 and 19 put that separation in. The imagery is immediate and strong. At any rate, the poem works very well, at least for me. They say you can't see something in someone else unless it is in you, (and trust me, I've been there-done that)so maybe I'm only seeing my history. That doesn't effect the poem's quality. One thing I'll say from my point of view: If I hadn't had those experiences I doubt I would have become a writer at all, so in a funny way, I'm grateful for them. I choose to focus on the gift while acknowleging the anger at the terror, loss, abandonment that nourished it. Thanks for sharing part of yourself with us, Rene||2004-01-25 11:24:03|
|I Sit Here||Robin Ann Crandell||Hi Robin, I very much liked this poem. What struck me first was the way in which you used repetition to move the poem forward, and yet keep it tied together. The imagery is good, I cam picture the stages of growth that you are presenting to us. Congratulations on integrating all the stages of your growth so well. The movement, whether it takes place in one day's meditation, or years of living and experience, shows the path most of us take towards understanding ourselves and our relationship with ourselves, perhaps with our Creator, and the world in which we live. The use of language is simple and works for the poem, as one focuses on the movement of the poem, and not its words. Good writing. Irene Fraley||2004-01-25 11:00:16|
|Prime||Regis L Chapman||Hi Regis, I'm not that good at this type of poem as I tend to be quite concrete, but I'll try. To me, this poem speaks of growth from a state of fear and being splintered in chaos into a state of freedom with the three colors as symbolic of many things. I thought first of the Trinity, God the creator, God in human form, and God the spirit. I thought Mind, Body, Spirit. The past was of fear and pain and sorrow. The present is a time of change into a positive, hopeful viewpoint. Seeds into bloom, moon into sun, cold and lifeless and pale into warmth, growth and a future oneness. I see the three as the three basic personality parts, the tree as something strong and steady that will grow into one unified person. I did wonder if the final growth spoken of was a comming reunion with the Creator either in death as the soul returns to its source, or as the mind rejoins the universal over-mind. The treee seems to be "the whole" integrated person in the chorus. Strong and solid. There are what could be religious refferences her. For example Blue is the traditional color for Mary and purity in the Christian church. I likke the way this poem reads, although R/E/D stopped me cold and I found it interupted the flow of the poem. The imagery is interesting, the opposites presented in color images worked. I am wondering how this sounds as a song. One thing: today is sun, yesterday- moon Today is seed, tomorrow- bloom adding colors numbered three red, green, blue R G B As this is read aloud it takes on an almost sing-song sound. Was this what the rhythm of the song demanded? The rhyme in the poem, and its scheme is facinating. I'll have to save this so I can study it. I like it, and am hoping that some of my guesses were in the ball-park! Thanks for the poem! Rene||2004-01-23 19:21:31|
|I Must Go Down To The Sea Again||Mell W. Morris||How lovely this is! The first thing that struck me was the really mature use of language. The imagery is clear, vivid and the poem reads well aloud. The emotonal honesty of the poem is beautiful and as a love poem, this is striking. I like the restraint in the poem, and the way that imagery is used to create the emotional tone. I particularly like the clever image of the sword which "be-sirs" at a touch. Great use of language! Thanks for sharing this with us, Rene||2004-01-21 21:15:12|
|Puppet Theory||DeniMari Z.||This is an interesting poem. The emotions are presented clearly, imagery is good. The poem is neither metered or rhymed. The metaphores are clear. I did have some trouble reading the poem aloud, perhaps because I look for a musical voice simply as a personal choice. I would suggest that the word "to" in the first stanza be dropped down to the nest line, as it is a weak end-word and "puppets" is a strong word. for example: "Ions ago - the medicine in The puppets laughter warmed The ice blown over itís soul Seemingly content till the Next puppet role" might be written as, "Ions ago - the medicine in the puppet's laughter warmed the ice blown over its soul, seemingly content till the next puppet role." I have to appologise for changing the caps and punctuation, it's a quirk of mine to avoid caps. That's how I would do it; you certainly don't have to! Your name is new to me, and it's always such a blessing to meet another poet and welcome them to the link. (I suspect that many other's have done so already.) You certainly have a gift for writing, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Rene Fraley||2004-01-08 20:21:36|
|The Murder of Emily Dickenson||C Arrownut||Hi! I wish I knew more about Emily Dickensen, as I suspect that a knowlege of her life is central to the understanding of this poem. Unfortunately I know little of her, either writings (I remember something about a moor) or her life. I like the sound of this poem as read aloud. It flows well, although I was caught and stopped by the transition from happy daffodil days into suicide and death. Does this refer to the current poet or to Emily? Understanding the value of writing to therapy and healing, and knowing that Dickenson wrote very clearly, simply and said much in a small amout of lines, I can see that you were very much impacted by Emily's writings. Was she in treatment (therapy) also? Was she suicidal? Was she mentally ill? I'm sorry I understood so little of this poem. I want to know more about Dickenson now as ten years in therapy has given me a great deal of respect for those who dare to return to the past to face old wounds and lay them to rest. If it means anything, the use of language in this poem and the intimate mood that is established by the way you use the letter format has greatly impressed this reader. One thing, would a comma after "gown" be appropriate? Thanks for the poem,||2004-01-04 14:18:42|
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