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Displaying Critiques 1 to 50 out of 111 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by charles r pittsCritique Date
"Off To See The World such A Lovely World To See"DeniMari Z.Brilliantly visual piece here Deni. Having traveled across parts of Germany and Bavaria by train, truck and tank, your poem took me back to so many breathtaking landscapes I can still remember though it has been 25 years. Sweet sticky-buns and hot tea on frigid winter mornings, the best beer in the world!-and absolutely delicious cuisine that I still think of. you brought all of this back to me with your poem. I love the rambling, meandering structure and rhyme schemes you use in this piece--both childlike and playful--not a care in the world. Simpler times, happy times for you that really come through in your verse. When the world was safe and made perfect sense. As for the song you danced to...the poem's title makes me think of "Off to see the wizard..." :)2015-11-05 00:27:02
words rushWanda S. Thibodeauxfrom behind the eyes of life words rush leaving night's repose for morning's blush they tumble down like building blocks drift in place like angel dust and telling sets the language free a poem has found its chance to be ahhh--this one i found quite delish! "from behind the eyes of life"--love this line because it's so meaty--something more than it seems--deeper than at first glance--beyond the surface appearance--seeing the extra dimension...or simply putting the same pieces together in a new and different way. poetry can indeed take on a life of its own--as this poem has. this is definitely a unique piece!2015-11-01 23:23:03
Calista CatherineWanda S. ThibodeauxYou really breathe vividity into your memories with this one. Simple moments in time--nothing extraordinary--but captured and painted in bright colors--almost like snapshots from a dream. "pregnant silence" and "harvest of love"--quite poignant. Precious memories of a warm-loving mother--of a remarkable lady--warm remembrances of a childhood filled with love. Quite blessed and a beautiful tribute!2015-11-01 21:44:57
HomeJoe GustinIf only humanity sought out only the love in the world. It would truly be a paradise! My favorite lines here: "To fully discover the depths of its wonder to set death asunder" For I believe love is truly more everlasting than life or death. I like the non-rhyming yet lyrical words you put together here--the fragrant bouquet of love that can be touched and tasted as well...living our lives with love and rekindling that fire that is slowly dying around us in the world today. Thought-provoking and charming submission.2015-11-01 21:37:47
My Father's Hand (Words of an unborn child)Wanda S. ThibodeauxWhat a wonderfully creative topic! What expecting parents haven't wondered what their child in the womb thinks and feels? I like the line "I cannot speak but my heartbeat answers their love..." Can you incorporate the "kick" in this one? Maybe include it with the heartbeat? "I cannot speak but my heartbeat answers their love" adding something like "I reach for them, their touch, their warmth..." and the union could come when the parents feel the infant's response. Just suggestions mind you...this is truly a lovely piece!2015-11-01 21:19:38
Drowing in TodayDeniMari Z.a helluva year to say the least! nothing wrong with a little venting though. glad you made it through this. a few humble offerings (more from my intellectual impotency than your skills i assure you) when the skin is numb--"and the skin goes numb" slowly dies, to die and prays to die--that extra "to die" in there spirit turns black to burnt too many times--does "black to burnt" mean like color--from black to burnt? And i really love this last bit--walking that highwire without a net--standing on that ledge--tossing that coin in the air... "yet some are just not seeing those who just want to bury all ache and wonder every day needing just one hour to fiercely fight alone for a reason to want to stay"2015-10-25 02:03:40
For MumJoe Gustinwhat a wonderful tribute! a person's relationship with their mother is probably the most important on in life. you are lucky to have such warm and loving memories. i can't say that i can claim such as yours, and i dare say that many of the problems i've had in life stem from the lack of such a relationship. I hope your mum is still alive and well. I have only one suggestion--in the 3rd stanza your use of the word "crimes" to describe bee stings and pain. maybe a word like "tears" or "injustices" or something--but it's just an humble offering. a great homage to a great lady!2015-10-25 01:55:53
A Novel SeasonDeniMari Z.I like the slow, meandering pace of this one. It reminds me of a walk through the woods or drive through the country on a full-blown Autumn day. Cool enough for your favorite comfy sweater or jacket, but not so cold you can't get your hands wet. One of my favorite times of year--one where my reflections are more about God's bounty as you said" the beauty of now, obstacles overcome, contentment with life--"enjoying the twilight of life"--if you will. And the realization that winter (or the end of life) is coming. Different than the joys of spring where I tend to focus on what lies ahead, in Autumn it's about what has been accomplished. Wonderfully captured here!2015-10-25 01:46:38
Excerpt From a WarWanda S. ThibodeauxUsually war stories are told from the soldiers' perspectives--and though this one contains a glimpse into some of what your father went through, the real story here (and the kind that often doesn't get told) is from the view of those left behind. How old were you during this I wonder? How horrible it must have been and what a long walk indeed to get to that church--knowing that if your father's name wasn't called, someone else's would. You would probably know the names called or at least know of the family. Then to watch their sorrows and probably feeling guilt that inside you could feel some joy (though made hollow) in the face of another's tragedy. Thanks for sharing something so personal. Nicely written. my favorite stanza: Futures changed forever, father's who would become hero's, children, born while father's were away, left with only a photograph to hold. so subtle yet so graphic.2015-10-25 01:39:43
Dear AnonymousLora SilveyThis is a privately intimate reflection of the feelings and reactions to a particular moving piece of prose. It reads like a personal letter. This is written in present tense so a few thoughts: in the 1st stanza how about "I read your words and I touch the pages...". To me that sounds more intimate. In the 2nd, since you are talking about honey how about changing "skin" to "lips" as in..."for each strophe (nice word) that brushes against (or over) my lips..." A nice piece here that is hard to critique as it really needs nothing. Please accept my humble offerings as a sign of respect and encouragement. Cheers!2015-10-25 01:27:12
A Conscious FantasyDeniMari Z.To suddenly realize that you are indeed one of the rodents scrambling about in the great "rat race" and that you are not only not winning, but nowhere near the front-runners, is quite a somber and sobering gaggle of thoughts. t We never think it will happen to us--we are somehow above it all. It makes one wonder, "What the hell am I doing with my life?" Those moments of quiet inner panic that there must be more to life than this. Remembrances of youth and the vigor it held--of dreams to be pursued--of personal promises and ambitions that slowly vanish as life trods on and you're left to look in the mirror and count the years gone by. Nice work!2015-10-25 01:17:52
Give GOD The GloryMilton RobertsonAmen brother! Preach on! Nothing I can say here that I haven't already said about your other pieces. Give it some structure brother---some form to keep it warm. Your lines are disconnected and the meaning's been affected. God put this world and everything in it in its own specific order--use your flavor and return the favor...peace!2015-10-25 00:58:12
Lades Beat GoesLora SilveyLots going on here. Does the winter signify the end of a life? the author's or its victim perhaps? the chaotic heart could be from a life unfulfilled or the panic of doing a dastardly deed? Echoes of "The Tell-tale Heart" for me here--the loud ticking--the searching eyes--the straining ears--the anticipation of sirens--there's evil afoot here methinks. And the beat--first regular, then slowing, then stopping (still working on that one). Great piece!2015-10-25 00:54:11
MirandaWanda S. ThibodeauxHappy Halloween indeed! I love rhyming lyrical poetry and this is just lovely and so appropriate for this time of year! Stephen King came to mind when I read this. Love the sing-song rhythm of it, and I had a vision of a psychopathic homecoming queen. The "switchblade in her satin gown" is quite evilly delicious! Too bad Death killed her in the end, I would love to read more about lovely Miranda! Very nice!2015-10-25 00:46:38
The Bard tells us,kevin DunnHola Senor Kevin. This is a witty little ditty about the foolish and wise. I like your use of "ye olde English" in this one. Just a few things: I would remove your first sentence as it is the same as your title. Your usage of the word "drool" in the 2nd line--deliberate? I like the "waffling politicians"--very astute and appropriate. At times this piece has a specific rhythm to the read, and then not so much--deliberate as well? Another nice piece from you Kevin.2015-10-24 05:51:51
Don't Think You KnowMilton RobertsonHi Milton. You certainly are full of the Holy Spirit. You have a nice testimonial message here, and your poem definitely sounds "street-smart". Again though, it's a bit difficult to read when it's written as one long sentence. If you break those lines up and place them into blocks, it will be much easier to read and your messages contained within will stand out more. Gotta give you props for your dedication though!2015-10-24 05:42:57
THE DEAD.kevin DunnThe dead, worry not that taxes go up. The dead, care not about love or competition. The dead, hate not nor wish ill upon anyone. The dead, have given up all they ever had and will have nothing nor want. The dead, know not hunger sickness or chills. The dead, shiver not on winters nights nor perspire in summer. When living they enjoyed all this, and 'tis said, would surely exchange their rest to once again feel even pain or hunger. But then there is only one way to find out for sure. Hi Kevin. A few things about this piece: Why not take "The dead" out of those 6 sentences? Since that is the title anyway, do you really need it in those lines? And if you are concerned about structure, then maybe some rewording of line 4. You have worry not, care not, hate not, etc., then the rhythm breaks there in 4. Maybe "covet not"? or something. Love the reality of the last line by the way. Nice piece!2015-10-24 05:35:45
PreyJoe GustinIt sounds like you've got your hands full there Joe. This is an interesting piece. A past lover? A present one? Maybe even a family member? There's nothing sexual here though--but very personal emotions. Someone wanting to control you-possess you-toy with you-dominate you. I sense that this poem stirs deep feelings within you, and i wonder if you really put those feelings into this piece as you wanted to. Comparing this relationship to that of a cat and mouse, or predator and prey, suggests very descriptive actions and behaviors. I want to see and feel them through your words. I would like to see you play with words more--give more descriptive verses. In the first stanza, I would change the 2nd "notice" to a different word, something more expressive. In the 2nd stanza (I love the "teeth of your emotions") but have tell me how those teeth were used to "eat me inside of you". The last stanza is my favorite as it adds an element of mystery. Sometimes in poetry less is more, and sometimes more is too much. Finding that perfect balance helps turn words into prose. Nice job!2015-10-24 05:17:25
holocaustMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.touchy subjects indeed. a little confusion here in that it seems you are either speaking to one person (or group) or to more than two people (or groups) yet you use words like "both" and "neither" to imply two persons (or groups). and the last line of the 3rd stanza is a little confusing. some good ideas put forth in this one--but maybe this topic commands more thought and time. i get the feeling you didn't express EXACTLY what you wanted to. 2015-10-23 02:40:44
By The Grace Of GODMilton RobertsonSounds like you took a few turns through the wringer. I know what that's all about myself. Congratulations on finding God and turning your life around. It's no easy task. This is a nice tribute to God and feels genuine. There are a couple of spelling errors (second line should be on my "own", and last line "through" instead of though), but nothing major. What I feel is missing from this to make it a smoother, more rhythmic read is structure. I would suggest separating lines and using different forms of punctuation to divide this poem into easier-to-read stanzas. Of course the real value in this piece lies in the salvation of your soul--something which doesn't have to rely on rhythm and meter. Congrats again!2015-10-23 02:34:16
DEATH RIDES A PALE HORSE.kevin DunnI've always been a fan of songwriting and rhyming poetry. And I still love to watch those old gunslinger westerns I've seen a dozen times. This has a little bit of all three. This piece paints a vivid scene that I could totally see on the big screen. There are a few places where the rhythm and rhyme scheme are a bit off: how about "the good folks in church were a'kneelin to pray"?--but of course i haven't heard the song that accompanies this) i would also suggest that Willy burst through "the daws" to rhyme better with outlaws, and "the town cowered in fear AND by mid-afternoon" --but again, with the musical accompaniment, it may fit perfectly. I think if you write this so that the rhyme and rhythm work just the same whether spoken or sung, you might just have a classic on your hands. 2015-10-23 02:03:24
Call The Right NumberDeniMari Z.sounds like the power of prayer really came through for someone. i'm sure there's a story behind this one. if so--i'm glad it seems to have a happy ending. though i find that if i pray for forgiveness--i'm given the chance to forgive instead, and if i pray for strength, i'm given the opportunity to be strong. maybe that's how it's all supposed to work anyway right? a nice poem...C2011-08-02 02:00:36
As Casual While Nature MeetsDeniMari Z.this poem delivers exactly what the title says--a random thought on a lazy summer day. i wonder how this poem would look if you left out all the punctuation? i really like the way you left it out in the lines near the end. i think that would help give it more of a casual feel-and let the readers develop their own rhythms reading it. maybe add three dots at the end to show continuity after...just a suggestion--i loved your poem...C2011-08-02 01:37:30
The MessiahMark Steven Schefferpossibly a jab at religion or at heathens? chances are pretty good i'm wrong on both counts (as i seem to remember your poems were always a bit more complex), but i can see this one being either one. the first stanza seems to hint at the doubters--those people who are quite content to criticize religious beliefs (perhaps to avoid the self-doubt and inner conflict a believer battles in the knowledge of they live a sinful life) and ridicule them as lies so they may go on their merry way. the second stanza, you seem to present the believer in a kind of negative light "the odd one" "full of...turbulence" which could mean he is crazy or it only seems that way because he's the only one with the program. i can see this poem being the inner thoughts of Jesus (except that there was no ice cream then), or a wacko cult leader. very nice to say the least and a real thought-provoker. thanks... C 2011-07-24 07:21:14
Passioncheyenne smythhey cheyenne..me again. in addition to alliteration (silken silence--love it), i'm the biggest fan of rhyming, lyrical poetry--something i don't find too much of on this site. your structure is good in this one, and you've stayed true to the rhythm throughout--but i did find the rhythm a bit choppy. you have a perfect 10-8 syllable count, but i read this many times and couldn't find the beat to it. nonetheless, it's a beautiful expression of passion but it seems that love is the true driving force to the words--thus to me, the title is a bit off-target. but your use of language in this one is very nice. i wonder how long it took you to write it? i think if you tried, you could come up with better words than "sparrow's" flight and "silent" beams--these words seem too common for the unique feel of this poem--but i love "lover's rapt" and "cleave together". an enjoyable piece...C 2011-07-21 08:53:05
TERRIFIEDMandie J Overockerwhat a dark piece this is. i guess in this day and age there are plenty of things to be terrified by. some people think it's all about perspective--you choose how the world you live in by the things you let yourself see--that there is plenty of beauty and kindness in the world if you only choose to focus on it. that if all you let yourself see is the bad and the terrible, you create that kind of world for yourself. i believe that, but i also believe that only a fool refuses to look beyond the candy-coated sugary world to the cavity-ridden world beneath. how else can you truly appreciate the sunshine having never known the dark? i see this poem as a snapshot of moment in time--a terrible moment--where the darkness has overwhelmed and enveloped the light, where hope hangs by a thread...nice work...C2011-07-21 08:39:42
Inkcheyenne smyththis is a nice piece you have--though i might have chosen "In Ink" for the title myself as ink is dark--much like the nightmares you speak of here. i like your word usage--i'm a sucker for alliteration like "frenzied fever", and your descriptions of being left "haggard and raw" and "hurl me into rhyme's pit" are wonderfully illustrative. i feel that your first and last stanzas carry this poem, but i got lost a bit in the middle and feel that a bit of editing could make this a winning piece for the month. overall, though a nice read. thanks... 2011-07-21 08:28:56
"I've Never Lost You"DeniMari Z.i can't begin to imagine the pain, suffering, grief and horror you must have gone (and at times, still be going through). i've never had children, and at my age, probably never will. still, i have loved and lost to the extent that only the childless can, and i must say, that this piece of work was very moving. i feel like i got a glimpse, not of the overall emptiness such a tragedy brings, but of a hundred private moments--remembered, missed and mourned. through the first two stanzas i thought the poem was about a husband lost, but the last line of the 3rd "someone i made" brought home the horrible truth. it takes a lot of courage to share something so painfully personal and private, and real talent to present it in such a way that someone like me can understand and get some idea into the way something like that feels. it definitely made me think about my own feelings in such a situation. well-written and thoughtful...and i love the strength you show in the last three stanzas. very inspiring....thanks...2011-07-20 10:10:48
100 - 70 Equals ThirtyDeniMari Z.greetings from south korea --dmz. how appropriate this poem is for me right at this moment. will turn 40 in about 8 months--and not only can i relate to the first 30 years you talk about, but i can also understand what the lines describing 50, 60, 70, 80 and beyond are talking about. my brother, who is 364 days older than me, just had surgery to remove melanoma from his shoulder, only to find out that the 2 lymph nodes they took out were riddled with the disease as well. i can still remember how at 10--life seemed to be endless, and at 20, though i realized that time was picking up speed, that i still had plenty of time. and how, at 30, i still felt like 20. but now almost 40, especially with the news about my brother, i am wondering "what will the next few years bring?" and at 50, will i have regret over what could've/should've been? and even now i'm thinking, "how much longer?" i've been away for awhile--but i still remember the power of your prose...thanks 2009-09-18 16:38:16
The nervous questionJames Edward Schannethere's a lot going on in this piece. the nervous question--could be a marriage proposal-presented comically as the subject walks fine lines between awkwardness, indecision, and fear whose presentation could result in either utter devastation or realization of love's desire. or maybe not...that's what makes this an intriguing read. also-i'm a sucker for a nice rhyme... charlie2008-08-24 14:40:47
The Woman in the GardenGene Dixoni love this one. eve speaking on behalf of all women? or perhaps presenting an explanation of sorts. i find the first and last stanzas to hold the true power of this piece. the second stanza seems out of place almost as if it needn't be included. i'm sure however it is my own ignorance or blindness that hides its true significance. this is by far one of the most thought-provoking pieces i've read in a long time. look forward to more of your work. 2008-08-19 12:52:42
Autumn Voices in the BreezeJames C. Horaki like this piece. there's a subtle familiarity to it that i think most anyone can identify with at some point. if i may be so bold, i'd like to offer some observations/suggestions... there is a rhythm in the first stanza that plays through your use of alliteration (sun's speckling-whimpering wind-limbering limbs)and playful rhymes (whimpering wind-tender end) that i dont find in the second stanza. dont get me wrong, there is nothing at all wrong with the 2nd stanza- i find it to be a nice fit visually, but i dont "hear" any of the autumn "voices". perhaps some "sighing" winds seeping the "droves the night" twas sweeping or something of that nature. but where the first stanza speaks in many tongues, the second falls silent. if you can continue the same thread you started in the first stanza through the second- with the same flow and mood, this will really be a remarkable, complete piece. the third stanza is brilliant--can't read it without smiling. tiger-maul a rake"?? Wile E. Coyote--genius--pure genius. always a pleasure JCH charlie2007-10-24 23:59:53
The Black HeartJames C. Horakthe title drew me to this one. im a sucker for the dark stuff. i really like this. it reminds me of science class in school when we worked with microscopes. taking something so small and examining it under that eye. so powerful there appeared to be a whole other world in front of my face. this poem is like that to me. with so few words you have presented a powerfully magnified scene. my favorite poem ive read this month. thanks, charlie2007-07-20 11:12:44
Russell Means-American (hero)Mark D. Kilburnhave you ever read a book called, "in the spirit of crazy horse"? i forget the author but it chronicles u.s.-native american relations from the beginning through the mid-80's i think. you should check it out. thanks for turning on a little light for us all to see. charlie2007-07-20 11:04:12
OnlookersThomas H. Smihulasome choice words to live by here. but sometimes dont you wish some people (who talk out of their azz) would just shut up? lol. but you hit the nail on the head here. live life to the fullest. very nice. charlie2007-07-20 11:01:09
ChangeThomas H. Smihulathis is an original topic. i see haiku as the description of the snapshot of an image. you only have 17 syllables to tell everything important about the subject. i challenge you to remove the "the's" from future works and explore more challenging, descriptive words to use. i love writing haiku and experimenting with other forms as well. ever tried senyru?2007-07-20 10:58:14
So, Love the One You're WithEllen K Lewissuch truths ciphered into these lines poet. such ugly, horrible, stone cold truths delivered in such detached, matter-of-fact language. the 2nd and 5th stanzas are my favorite i think because they are capable of standing on their own although they blend so well with the others. i read these many times. well done. charlie 2007-03-31 11:17:52
Cloudmarilyn terwillegerthe lone insignificant drowning in a sea dull greys, but overlooking something lower. in the midst leisure and privilege---tears in heaven. i see the privileged only child suffocating in a blanket of facades, that hangs with the "wrong crowd" to feel acceptance in an otherwise loveless world. one who sees the "supposed more unfortunate", only having one another, as the truly "wealthy". the sobbing prince....or princess....gonna try one myself... charlie 2007-03-15 21:32:05
ImmersionMary J Coffmansimply beautiful. your use of language is so lyrical, so sweet and subtle. im so jealous of what you have created here, this piece makes me feel so inadequate poetically. thank you. charlie2007-03-10 03:10:33
Not Particularmarilyn terwillegerthe last line is my favorite in this one. its simple and direct on first read, but lends itself to such contemplation if desired. very pleasant, very graphic but in a subtle, comfortable manner. you rock mt. charlie2007-03-10 03:07:24
ApprenticeshipMark Andrew Hislopon first read--unremarkable. but more due to my lazy eyes and listless mind. next look and questions begin to form--"what the hell is this about? who is steve fry? am i stupid?" next round, some ideas elbow themselves to the front--"a budding poet emerging--showing talent, promise--pride worn like a crown--but discouragement shows and self-doubt gnaws--but the hunger to master, the driving desire to conquer, excel, to this new mental adversary, to release the waves that crash inside and show the world there is no one else like me. i am special--but to reach my destination--to achieve greatness, i must first admit that i am not great, not special, and i have nothing and know nothing but my desire. what i seek must be earned--but i can reach it... nice--2006-01-08 11:05:12
CycleLatorial D. Faisonthis describes to me the moment when, engrossed in the despairs, fears, helplessness of a world gone mad all around you, you see your child crying simply because you are sad. this is when u reach for them and promise to yourself to be strong for them. beautiful. charlie2005-10-08 06:24:42
Crying in a rugby contextMark Andrew Hislopimpressive SOC piece here. reads like it came unhindered straight from your thoughts, like your fingers had little brains in them and your words didnt have to travel at all to get out, thus they escaped intact. this is a genuine, guilt-ridden, raging, angry, ashamed,blaming rant!straight-from-the-tap! well-done2005-10-08 06:14:15
Affliction - Etheree #2Mary J Coffmansimply beautiful. you have captured a single moment in the life of someone faced with the inevitable. i can see the expression on this face as the mind runs a million mph thinking, realizing, wrestling. ive been there, and remember those moments,those feelings: theyre gone, i'll go too one day, never see them,hear them, tell them. inever got to say, they never knew- and oh the regrets. helpless, afraid,so sad. all in a few seconds. love this charlie2005-10-08 06:04:06
Afterglow (an Etheree)Mary J Coffmani dont know exactly what it means, but the words you string here are poetry in themselves. though the images this piece aroused were impossible to identify, they were beautiful and subtle nonetheless. more like pleasant feelings you could almost see. i like.2005-10-08 05:56:45
I Think of YouMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.this poem immediately brought back those old hopeless, helpless, feelings ive struggled to define when broken-hearted and struggling with the choice of life w/o love or merciful death. during those times i try to capture the utter despair of having consciously decided to die-that w/o her, i have already ceased living, my heart and soul hobbled and much like a horse with a broken leg-must join the body with its amputated counterparts. dont think i ever hit the mark as u have here. i felt that sad, cold,loneliness, so familiar to myself-yet i felt it for you. kinda like finding your dog or cat that has been runover in the road. such sadness for what could have been but now will never be. ihope u found some comfort after writing this-like i do; like you got rid of some of it - just enough to go on. thanks for making me feel less alone. 2005-09-10 12:40:56
How BoringMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.how unique this topic and presentation. at first i dismissed this as trivial, but on second read, began to see the truth. god is usually described in awe-inspiring verse- the invincible, omniscient, the existence eternal. but no thought given to the flip-side: what do you do when you're all-powerful, all-knowing, and ever-present, the trials of man would be of no more consequence than an insect caught in a spider's web to a human. this one is a refreshing, clever poke at an age-old truth - rotten spots can ruin the ripest fruits.2005-09-10 11:32:20
Souls Running FreeMandie J Overocker5,7,4,3,8=27 7,7,4,4,8=30 7,5,5,5,4=26 these numbers indicate #of syll. in each line, and total # per stanza. cant remember if you were the one who said they dont care for syll. counts, but with such a nice poem, one so close to a perfect structure, you owe it to your own talent to experiment some. since u have 5 line stanzas, maybe 30 syll (maybe even 6 syll per line) might be fun. there is much beauty,thought, and vivid life inthese lines, help us, the readers, discover your total message.2005-06-22 15:21:35
PersephoneMandie J Overockerhave always loved mythology-both Greek and Roman,and fascinated endlessly by tales of the origins of the worlds. u have recreated an old favorite here, and done so quite remarkably. your language is very mysterious and appropriate for your tone and theme in most parts, but whether intentional or not,there is a rhythm just below the surface that rolls along then hits a snag. i suggest writing this whole piece in 4 syllable rhyming lines. u can eliminate unnecessary words that are affecting the rhythm, and could really bring out the heart and soul of this piece. here is an example of what im talking about using a few stanzas as suggestions Dried out branches bloodstained the leaves Tumble through Fall's whispering trees tortuous tale changing seasons Innocense lost no rhyme; reason grieving mother little child lost beautiful soul horrible cost from darkest depth to flowered field stole her away Nether-land yield bound as his wife life without care lifeless dead earth nothing would bear love this 2005-06-22 15:09:55
AbyssJesus Manuel Lopezthis stunning piece oozes of the melancholia, shameful reluctance, and repressed conviction and pity of one who has crossed over into a beyond foreign to most, and who now tries to relate the experience to a world of skeptics waiting to ridicule and eviscerate. brazen gazes, addled eyes, fractured faiths and glimpses of the true guise of this horrible earth are wonderfully explicit and anonymous at once. one of my favorite submissions this month. wonderfully veiled, sinister language. beautifully wicked2005-06-22 14:47:24
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