Jennifer j Hill's E-Mail Address: jjhpoet@hotmail.com
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Displaying Critiques 101 to 150 out of 353 Total Critiques.| Poem Title | Poet Name | Critique Given by Jennifer j Hill | Critique Date |
| GrandMemeres Love (First poem) | Joanne Duval Morgan | Hi Jo, There is no finer delicacy in the world then a grandmothers love and you have captured it perfectly in this lovely tribute. I am so glad you found and posted this first poem on TPL so we could all enjoy the warmth and feel the love that you feel as a grandmother for your grandchild and that grnadmothers everywhere can relate to. Hope you got to see those granddaughters on Thanksgiving and that you were blessed with all the love and warmth you've given them right back at ya! Blessing to you on this Weekend when we see blessings everywhere we look, Jennifer | 2004-11-28 18:40:04 |
| November Elegy (connected haiku) | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, I got very pleasantly side tracked with the fun of "Earth, Moon and Sun", but now I'm here to dive in to this seriously mournful connected Haiku. Blackish-brown debris----------nice alliteration covers the earth with remains spit back by the wind----------soft "I" assonance At first I was like yuck! what use can we have for this debris. Then I realized that the wind spits it back for a reason. To insulate the living from the cold that kills with a blanket that covers all and keeps it safe 'till next spring. But the word on the wind is death to the living foilage. The unavoidable death that we have no control over. No matter how we want it to stay, it's gone and a hopelessness is felt. Lingering frogs--gone!--------soft "O" assonance Birds sing faint farewell-----fricative illits are great! to dropped yellow leaves The last of the frogs have gone and the birds are saying goodbye. It's sad and you don't want to say goodbye. Might manage a see ya later, though. Calm in downward flight, leaves crave more than burial-- glorious descent. It's their destiny, but they want to go in style, not sad, they are happy to fulfill their purpose. How dare them! Brassy calls of geese----great use of sound, that is the perfect description of geese calls sound surprisingly thankful,----sweet "S" allit leaving me behind ----you begin and end in "B" and have carried the B's all the way through these CH Always being left behind. Why do they always go? And we're left here waiting. This somber, even sorrowful elegy says more then meets the eye, I think. Makes me feel teary. Good thing we have some things to look forward to, huh? My thoughts are with you tonight, Joanne, may you always know that the leaves and the frogs and the trees and the geese and birds and their maker love you so! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-20 22:59:44 |
| Earth, Moon and Sun (connected haiku) | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne , This is the romance of the century(s) This connected Haiku is bound to bring a smile to any lovers face. It brilliantly shines! The first image you give us is of the earths round beautiful face, waiting expectantly each morning. The sun comes a courting offering warmth of a sunrise as a gift that she accepts like a bouquet of wild flowers. What a fantastic visual that is! And the assonance of your face/radiates and toward/morning adds a nice sound. Gee I hope the moon's feelings aren't hurt. She was such a beautiful glowing bride and now earth has gone and stole away her groom! Guess she shouldn't have played such games in matters of the heart, huh? ;) What a dizzy broad earth is, spinning incessantly. Geeesh! You'd think she wants to be a ballerina or something! He must have strong broad shoulders to hold her so securely as she dances! The "s" sounds are in abundance in S3 lending euphony. Music and dancing! Id' say this is a hit! What a nice ending this is. With a slant rhyme of might/lighten sings! Ha! Sun didn't know she had it in her to radiate such love! Great line-beginning "A"s. Yes this love story radiates warmth into this readers heart. This is better then any romance novel! You've really acomplished a feat here. This is a new favorite for me! I love the images. Brava! Taking Haiku to a new height. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-19 22:00:05 |
| Senior Moments | DeniMari Z. | Dear DeniMari, The tone of your title does not match the intensity of this poem (IMHO). A sad and beautiful prayer. I bawled my eyes out reading this. My Mom was in a nursing home and passed away there 6 years ago. After about six months of living there she told me she was ready and waiting to pass on. It killed me to watch her suffer and I often wondered if she was neglected or abused there. One night she fell out of bed and broke her hip and laid on the floor for hours before being discovered. I was a divorced Mom of three children, who had to work and felt so guilty about letting my Mom stay there. You write this as though you have experienced it and give us a glimpse of what it is like to be at the end of our lives. And again we have to ask ourselves. Are we able to trust God this much... Thanks for writing this and sharing it with others. IT's a poignant, important message. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-16 09:37:45 |
| Great Blue Heron Sighting | Joanne M Uppendahl | Joanne, You just brought back a memory for me! About ten years ago I was riding down to the lake with my sister on one our yearly trips we used to take. I looked out the window of her Bronco in time to see a blue heron flying right beside us, close enough I thought I could reach out and touch it and in that moment that it caught my eye, it was as if the heron was trying to comunicate with me. It was the most fantastic feeling and I hadn't thought of it in years 'til you reminded me. What a cool siting.You saw more then one blue heron. I don't know how many times I have strained my neck trying to see if a bird I've caught a glimpse of is a heron or not since that siting I had. They are the most fascinating birds, with their long necks and colorful wings. You captured the true essence of the blue heron in your poem. But again, I get ahead of myself because of my excitement. First, I find the sibilant "S" sounds here to be like a whispering of a special secret. A secret meeting of the minds , so to speak. This poem is ripe with their musical harmonic sound. Your image wows me, as I picture these graceful creatures perched on tree stumps above the water, no doubt watching for fish to fill their tummies. Then as if it weren't enough to give us this lovely still life image, you go one better. You give us the visual of the sleek heron stretching it's neck (and then wings) out for flight. What a beautiful cerature with such vivid color differentiation from head to end of wings, the grey, blue , darker blue and white markings look perfectly painted on. It's like a frozen moment in time, a freeze frame memory forever engrained on your mind. Just a moment and it's gone from sight but not from mind. I love the build up to the climactic end where the beauty of God's creation embraces you as if trying to give a message that was meant only for your eyes and ears alone. Yet it can be shared in this poem by all who read and understand. Thanks for the experience and the reminder. I feel blessed to have read this one. Best, Jennifer | 2004-11-15 23:12:19 |
| Flower haiku #1 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, Does this mean that you wrote other flower Haiku or that you are going to? I didn't see anymore on my list, but I do so love this one very much! Did I ever tell you the Iris is one of my very favorite flowers, only second to violets. But I also like roses. Darn, I guess I love all flowers. "Rowdy iris leaves"---Rowdy! I tell you , those Iris leaves are such partiers! They get together with the wind and dance till all hours of the day! "cut turquoise skies in pieces,"---Sounds like someone was laying on the ground looking up through the Iris. Or another scenereo would be looking at the sky above the horizon through the Iris. The second one is my guess. Such vivd imagry here! "later offer gold"---There are two ways of looking at this also. The pollen on the Iris is gold colored and I exspect this could be the gold offering, or the horizon could be hosting the rising moon that is seen through the Iris. I'll take either one. Thanks for another lovely Haiku. BTW, I just wanted to comment ont hese, but please don't feel obligated to reply to all these comments I've sent you in the last two days. OK? Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-07 15:32:32 |
| Congress This Morning | Mell W. Morris | Dear Mell, This title is a bit mysterious to the reader at first glance. IT took me a bit to catch on to the subject matter. A slight nuance in the title for me and my small vocabulary. :) I like the tounge in cheek cut to the window to see the dancing leaves. I think 'coterie' is perfection! 'A coterie of leaves' personifies the leaves as an exclusive group. I find that to be intriguing as I read on to find out where you're going with this. The leaves performing a delicate ballet! What imagry! And yet the tree is unable to be effected or inspired and alas neither are you(and I'm pretty sure it's something other then the leaves you were suppose to be inspired by!) Nice simile! The other thing that comes to mind is that just like the tree is ready to abandon or 'blow off' the leaves, you are ready to evolve, so to speak. Unusually nice slant rhyme of pas de trois and moi did not go unnoticed. What you say in stanza two about becoming "a paragon of detachment" really struck me. When a person is experiencing pain on a regular basis, they tend to spend many hours learning the art of detachment. It does carry over onto other parts of their lives, as well. WEll, theres bound to be tons of women that can relate to stanza three. What I find interesting is that this truely could apply to wifely duties or our duty to our country to find a candidate and vote. But I'm fairly sure I know what this poem is really about. And I enjoyed your irony and truth. Niecely done. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-07 14:37:24 |
| Tree haiku #3 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Joanne, this is exquisite! Those whispering "w"s get me every time! I adore willow trees! They are my second favorite next to Poplar trees. The image and sound of the first line is enough to make me feel giddy from drink. But no there's much more here. Good thing I'm sitting down. :) "exhibit" is such an excellent choice of words here. The "blossomed trees" don't just wear the color. Nope, they "exhibit watercolor sounds". Wow. My eyes and ears feel caressed by God's creations. And I thank you for that! Blessings again and again, Jennifer | 2004-11-06 21:31:56 |
| Tree haiku #2 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hey Joanne, I am having a poetry reading feast over here. I didn't mean to save this all for one weekend, but there were so many poems I didn't get to comment on and I'm loving this! The euphony of the sounds is great here with Trees/releasing/leafy. Theres personification all over the place! First with the "trees letting go", then with the "leafy offspring" and last but not least with the winds proposing! This is a most delecate tale of an accepted proposal. As long as the wind didn't sweep her off her feet! ha Sorry, couldn't help myself. Lovely! I'm so glad you're sharing all these lovely Haiku. Or did I already mention that? Well, I can't help but get excited about it. Thanks, Jen | 2004-11-06 21:13:49 |
| Tree haiku #1 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Dear Joanne, I thank Mell as well, if that is why we are able to read all these lovely Haiku of yours. Were they all early writes? And by early when do we mean?(or how early) This Haiku is quite harmonic. You have woven together some lovely sounds with the soft "i" of brittle/wind/limbs/delicate and the soft "e" of stems/scented/tethered. Your "m"s echo at each other, as do your "d"s. I love the use of tethered here and wind-scented limbs is exoticly delicious! This is a delicate dance indeed! Very nicely done! Can't wait to read Tree #2 Blessings, Jen | 2004-11-06 20:56:22 |
| Moon Haiku #3 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Joanne, I see I should have read this one last week end for Halloween. And it has a completely different personification. Very dazzling with color and light! "Tangerine full moon"--Tangerine is like the perfect shade and ties right into the next line. "glowing jack o'latern orb"---wonderful description of the full moon! "flirts with the high stars"--I think maybe he's trying to steal more light like the sun's light wasn't enough! Thinks he can get in good with a couple of those sparkly stars! Well, I can see it was definately worth dedicating three Haiku to the moon! I have a feeling you could probably come up with a forth, knowing you. You are going to have to publish all these Haiku in a book, you know. Now for the trees! BLessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-06 20:26:30 |
| Moon haiku #2 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Joanne, Well, I see why you need to have more then one Mooon Haiku. One for each phase with a different personification for each! This is great! Your first Moon Haiku was scrumptious, and this one has a dramatically diverse perspective and yet shines brilliantly. "Fickle half-moon smile"--you make me laugh! Does the moon know something I don't? HA! "beaming with reflected light"--Ahhh, the moon is rather proud of himself. "stolen from the sun"--and with good cause. He stole the light from the sun, who actually didn't even miss it! And you stole my heart with this one! I envy this talent for Haiku. Well, I have to go and read Moon Haiku# 3! More comming, Jen | 2004-11-06 20:06:03 |
| If You Could Live Your Life Backward | Mell W. Morris | Well Mell, you ask several questions here. Some very good ones indeed. This is a charmer and one of my favorite this month. Between this one and "Congress This Morning" one might not have to wonder about your ponderings this month. Or is it coincidence? Don't know, but at any rate this piece holds fast to your rule of making title count. This title feeds right into or is it off of the poem. And as if the title wasn't enough to pull me in, theres that question to start with: "Blackbirds flew across the sun this morning. Was it an omen of mourning to come?" Wild geese couldn't drag me away after that. And then the questions continue. Oh, I just love the way you just throw it out there with the first stanza. How could anyone not stop and ponder their own life choices after that opening? The second stanza has me just laughing so hard as I picture the narrator in the heat of a Texas 4th of July. What a funny image in my mind of the narrator no doubt dressed as part of the parade in costume that smothers and melts her. And after the parade the fireworkds displays that ensues. Both visual images and feelings of physical love ensue and fireworks on both accounts! In so few words you take the reader through alot here. Then s-4 brings us back down to earth. And I sometimes ask myself the same question and I hope the answer will always be the same resounding yes. You made me smile and laugh with this one. Your sense of humor does shine here. This is so full of nostalgia and I love it! Thanks for writing and sharingthis. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-06 16:52:52 |
| Moon haiku #1 | Joanne M Uppendahl | Joanne, Finally! It took forever to get to this little gem! Your imagry is beautiful! First silver/sickle alliteration and assonance works well here and the metaphor is extremely unique! Then, in "tinsels mountain peaks and trees", the use of tinsels as a verb is absolutely brilliant and the imagry produced there is exceptional. But if that wasn't good enough, then you add "Tosses coins in the sea" and I can see the reflection in the water and the tiny ripples on the surface making the reflection look like golden coins being poured right into the sea! I am awesomized by that last line. This is an example of few words saying so much and why I enjoy your writing whether lengthly or short you have a way of chosing just the right words. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-06 13:43:32 |
| verse 61 (Birth) | Erzahl Leo M. Espino | Hi Ezrahl, It's easy to see from this fantastic verse that your nephew has enfluenced your creative flow. The phrase "Love begets delight" has assonance of "e" sounds and truer words we will not find. The "L"s are music to my ears as is the cry of the newborn baby. And "It celebrates Life" says it all! The assonsnce of the end words in each phrase give this verse more music. I know how much love a new little life can bring into a family and it is a joy to read this and know that you feel it as well. Thanks for your posting! I enjoyed this one very much! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-06 12:30:00 |
| pernicious anomaly | Mell W. Morris | Dear Mell What I see here is that while your style and delivery then versus now are alike in that you were using slant rhyme and different because you used less punctuation then you do presently. There is an unmistakable sense of determinedness here like: "I'm going to take my stand and kind of a "I am Woman Hear Me Roar". Now, I feel you are more resigned and subtle. Note I said "more", meaning leaning closer that way. Not that I would ever accuse you of giving up the good fight! :) Thanks for sharing this piece. I enjoyed reading it as I do all your work. BLessings, JEnnifer | 2004-11-06 11:09:23 |
| Evolutionary Fractals | Robert Wyma | Hi Robert, I really enjoyed this one. As I read, I realized that you've created a multilayered meaning here in these lines. In fact, as I finished reading I had a picture of the double helix of DNA spiraling around my mind which expanded to strand of different people and the course of their lives and choices that they make and all of it spiraling around inside my head. I've seen alot of fractals and have always enjoyed looking at them, but the fractals referred to in this poem look really awesome! Wow, did someone slip me some LSD? lol jk. But seriously this is the kind of evolution I find extremely intersting and I find this vivid imagry very well done. I find the creative structure you fashoined by your free style very pleasing to the eye and flowing very naturally. Thanks for sharing this on TPL. Blessings, JEnnifer | 2004-11-03 09:34:33 |
| Conversation between divorced husband and wife | Mark Andrew Hislop | Hi Mark, I like the idea of it, but it raises all kinds of questions to this reader. The bigest which is how long had the poetry fans been divorced when this was shared between them? Seems like maybe they could have worked out their differences since they obviously loved one another. Maybe not as much as they loved self. Maybe therein lies the answer. To truly have lasting love we must put aside pettiness and self and hold eachother in high esteem always. It saddens me to think this couple can not be reconciled. But I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. Thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed reading such eloquently worded poetry. I do wish your future romantic life well. ;) Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-11-01 09:24:37 |
| Between Now And Then | DeniMari Z. | Hi DeniMari, To me this is a wonderfully melancholy love song. The rhythmatatic repetitions are like a heartbeat of the Lover waiting and wanting to know the touch of her dreamed beloved. If this isn''t set to music yet it should be, because it pretty much makes it's own music. These lines are my favorites: As if the air would vanish into itself Holding me hostage - not breathing As if the night would have no end Losing the day - not feeling In these two expressions of love lives all anyone would ever dream to feel. Ahhh, now that's romantic love. Thank you for sharing this poem. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-31 10:41:12 |
| Collecting the Shards | Mandie J Overocker | Wow Amanda, This is such an outpouring of raw emotion. And yet the poetics employed to write this are incredable. The combination of the two is like a one-two knock out punch for this reader. The title referring to the shattered life of abuse is so relevent, as is the subject matter. You express yourself well and this poem speaks for millions of children who suffer from child abuse. The rhyme is particularly wellplaced and fresh. I am glad to see that you are not only letting these feelings pour out, but that you are seeking to let go of them and let the Healer of healers do His work on your heart. Amen to that. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-30 11:44:46 |
| verse 63 (Sunrise) | Erzahl Leo M. Espino | Hi Erzahl, You sure haven't lost your touch for Haiku. This one is amazing. To be able to write effective Haiku, one has to be a master of the word and image. You are a word and image master and I love the image of the sunrise as the phoenix with wings of fire. Behind those mountains----------sets the scene for the big morning ceremony Phoenix flies with wings of fire---------glorious image, love the assonance of flies/fire,with/wings Out from the ashes---------from darkness to extreme light, and again mountains/out Bravo Ezrahl, fabulous, effortless grace. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-30 09:38:05 |
| Father's Time | Mark D. Kilburn | Dear Mark, This is a hard hitting testiment to what the vitims of child-abusing fathers suffer, and I thank you for writing it. I know it's not easy to share all the pain and sorrow and shame that goes with being made a victim of child abuse. Reading this over gives me such a feeling in the pit of my stomach that will not go away. No child should ever be made to feel this way. It's hideous. The fact that you made it rhyme softens the words and makes them easier to read, but the words are still hard to hear as I'm sure they weren't easy to write. You've done an very apt job of describing what abused children feel and I believe people need to hear this. I commend you for your willingness to come forward and tell abusers the effect of their detrimental actions. Thanks for writing this important message. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-29 16:25:33 |
| The Door | marilyn terwilleger | Dear Marilyn, My thoughts and prayers are for you as this aniversary of your husbands passing is once again revisited. Thank you for this poignant piece. The profound sadness of your words brings tears to my eyes, yet I feel the hope in your words too. The fact that you "linger beside the door with quiet grace and outlandish sorrow" tells me you will never stop grieving or hoping until you too step through the door. Hope, in such profound loss, is the gift you give the reader. Thanks for sharing that. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-23 11:59:19 |
| MY THOUGHTS ON POLITICS | TJ Daniels | Hi Daniel. You're right, you know. It's all a matter of perspective. But in the mean time who do we believe? None of them, because they're all a bunch of damn liars! I reccomend adding a period at the end of line 4 and capping "It" in line 5. I like the way you capped all the letters in the title as though you're shouting. And I like the rhyme of lies/guys. Thanks for such honesty. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-09 22:34:25 |
| Sighs of Autumn | marilyn terwilleger | Hi Marilyn, How beautiful this poem is and with such flavor of fall! I love the thought of the bulbs napping in a "loamy quilt". What a lovely thought! Love all the "S"s of the first stanza giving this a whispery feel that goes with the napping bulbs and sleepy sighs of Autumn. I think you just forgot the "o" in "susurrus", but that's a minor detail. Personifying the leaves and making them scamper like children (or maybe rabits)is a unique and rewarding visual. There so many images to savor in this piece. You massage our brains with one after another. I can see the clouds shrouding the trees on the mountainside and find this to be akin to a memory I have of a vacation in the Rookies in October. So I know you're writing straight from what you're seeing and I envy you that you're blessing with such great inspiration everyday. I can also tell you don't take a bit of it for granted. The rhyme Chinook/shook is extraordinary, and the personification of the Rocky mountain wind haunts my thoughts with the feeling that winter isn't far off, as I'm sure the startled grackles(love it!) were thinking as well. "A parasol of clouds" is another discription I find unique and so very visual. This is so true! : "Even death of summer brings enchantment to sighs of autumn." Thank you for something to hold on to as the days get shorter and shorter--the only part of fall that makes me sad. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-09 15:10:41 |
| Night Pacing | Mandie J Overocker | Hi Amanda, Believe it or not, I wrote a critique for this realistic piece already and then lost it. So I'll try to remember everything I said the first time.(Ha. As if) I find this to be extremely real. An experience the writter may have had. And actually I can re relate to the panic part of this piece, because I had the pleasure of pacing and worrying a few times when my children missed curfew. But this piece is so much more then that. There is the flashback to a time when the writter was younger. A dread that is carried over with the anxiety and panic. You bring the reader along with you in this well written poem. I know it can't be easy to write such a piece, and you have done an excellent job conveying the feelings that go with it. Thanks for sharing, Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-10-09 13:59:12 |
| Moving On | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne! This is a bit self-centered of me, but your poem was published on my birthday and I feel like it's as great a present as I'll ever receive. The first day of fall has always been to me as your last stanza states. Exactly that, relief and regret. Another thing I relate to about your poem is the tile. There is a whole spectrum of what one can be "Moving On" from. I happened to write a poem titled "Moving On" in 2001. It is quite different from this celebration of the end of summer and beginning of Autumn. In fact mine was a pivotal moment for me. I was moving on from a life of sin and self destruction in the depths to find my belief in God. It was actually one of my first poems. I like yours much better!!! Although, I have to say that writting poetry is actually what led me out of the depths.So if I hadn't bothered I might still be there reliving my sins over and over. I apologize for going on about me when I'm here to comment on your lightly melancholy, yet hopeful poem. The first stanza sings with the rhyme of care/air/pair. I like your description of holding your b breath while checking for the "pair of frogs"--"holding a mouthful of air". Ahh but your description of the frogs is so delightful---"spotted tenants", "iridescent eyes", "throats of bottle green"(I know that exact shade!), I love the addition of throats/throb and sheltered/spill to the lovely sounds and descriptions of this piece. Then, "only a lonely pill bug" and the visual of the pill bug is perfect! The fricative "F"'s are wonderful here. lol, you blinded the little fella! And then of course that last stanza. Who could be anything but conflicted over the end of summer and the beginning of Autumn? I'm so there with you! I really enjoyed this read. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh my goodness! Summer is gone again! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-09-25 21:33:55 |
| 2 (Play) | Jana Buck Hanks | Hi Jana, I guess I'm a bit backwards today because I'm going to comment on 2 when I haven't read or commented on 1. But, well, I read this and was moved and my rules for this month are if I'm moved I write a comment, no matter where it is on my list. You say this is taking a stab. I'd say your first try came pretty close to "Bulls Eye". The imagry is vivid and the visual inspired for this reader happens to be my favorite. When you couple youth and beach in the same thought, I can't get much closer to heaven. Titles are important since they are first and I would recommend "Beach". But "Play" works here. I've heard that syllable count is not that important and I agree, so I really don't feel it's the least bit important that line one is six sylables. The image it evokes is much more important to me and the "ragged white-capped waves roar" gives both visual and sound and all at once I'm there at the beach, taking in the breathtaking view of the waves and sound that is so relaxing. The "R"s of rugged/roar give it a magestic sound. Then with " children play in sand" gives me another visual and also recalls memories. I don't know why, but I found it slightly distracting that line two is indented. There is music in "oceanic melodies" with the "O" assonance. What a fine way to end a lovely memory. Thanks for sharing one of your first attempts at Haiku. I enjoyed this immensely. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-09-06 09:19:27 |
| The Hand that Fills Your Cup | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, I would SOOO like to experience this witness firsthand. Barring that, I have to say that you have put me there in that very special place by the telling of this short but sweet encounter. And without having the benefit of the summary of notes, I think I still know what thoughts were shared by these joyful creatures. I love the way you give the credit where it's due with your title. But it doesn't surprise me the title is so apt, because if there was a contest for best title, you'd win (hands down) every month.(Tom would come in a close 2nd for a completely different reason. ha! but thats for another time and place) There is such tenderness in this poem, Joanne. At the risk of sounding sappy, tears welled as I was reading the first stanza when I got to "lifting your soft gray throat to lilt your chip-chip pulse of praise." The tenderness of your heart is completely transparent here. You "P" phrases are unique and stand out vividly: "puddles on the porch" and "chip-chip pulse of praise" which is extraordinary. At 2nd look, the phrase in parenthesis blows me away because at first read I held my breath too! That is such a disarming technique. This alliteration is absolutely chiming: "Steller’s jay, you rasp remarks----you start with these double "R"s from tall pine‘s peak, and pause to scan----then a triple P(I'm tinking we must be at the Olimpics!:) bird-feeder’s banquet then swoop down----nice "B"s to scoop your split of sunflower seeds."----This Quad should win a gold! (btw, I looked up a picture of a "Steller's Jay" that was quite impressive. Beautiful bird! The finishing touches here are awesome, the way you show that we are all God's creatures and how you can find such joy in His creations is just one of the many reasons I will always gravitate toward your name on the list. Some might call it favoritism. I call it making good use of my limited time. By "has filled my own once more." standing alone you put emphasis on the fact that if we pay attention God will show us His Glory. Thank you for sharing this. It's a keeper! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-08-22 17:22:03 |
| Revelry | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, What a wonderful treat! I log on for the first time in ages and get to read something different from you, A Haiku! This is refreshing in the literal sense. I would have loved to watch this! "Revelry" is a great title for this and the "S" and "B" alliteration is fantastic. The first line gives the reader imagry of nature watching. The use of "flit" in the second line provides even more imagry and you use repetition of branch to a perfect advantage. The conclusion that it's all a celebration of life gives the reader pause to give thanks to the Creator of it all. I don't really have time to critique anymore but I have taken up a new policy. I will no longer pay attention to points and instead will simply pick the poems I want to comment on since I don't really have the kind of time to critique like I used to. The bigest treat of TLP is reading the postings, so from now on that's my focus----To read and then comment on what really moves me. I basicly did the same thing before except I choose off the top of the list and now I will pick from any where that moves me. Thanks for this refreshing snack. I had the munchies! :) Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-08-21 15:56:04 |
| Oh, Silent Sleep | Jana Buck Hanks | Hi Jana, While reading this poignant piece of your heart, I felt the emotional energy of the poet, flowing through my own body. Tears are flowing as I feel what is probably only a sliver of your pain. Anyone who has lost a child knows the devestation that comes with the loss is thought-comsumming, and in the beginning even to the point of robbing us from our communication skills with the world around us. But poet, it is good to see that you have at least moved beyond that point to a healthy expression of your grief, because I know even that sometimes feels immpossible. ANGER flows like a turbulent flood stage river here, first anger with the nursury nurses whom you trusted to watch over your treasure while you rested your body weary from childbirth, then with yourself for fleeting selfish thoughts you know you didn't really mean and of course with the God who knows everything and certainly must have known that you didn't mean it. This is such a profound description: "sanity raveled at the edges like a prayer shawl caught on barbed wire" I'm so sorry for your loss and please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I can tell that this poem flowed off your pen straight from your heart. Thanks for writing this to let other mothers know they are not alone. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-17 09:01:49 |
| Tsa-ga-gla-tal in Spring | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, This is a terrific companion to "Tsa-ga-gla-tal". I am so glad you wrote this! Have you had any spring encounters with your neighborhood racoons this year? A mother like any other, she is taking care of her children. The artistry of your presentation here adds beauty to this piece and deserves high marks in my opinion. There is music here that starts out slow and haunting and picks up speed toward the ending, which caresses our ears like the mother racoon does to her kits. I absolutely love the way you have woven your love of nature into the fiber of this piece right along with Indian lore and frog mating and motherhood. Only you could do juctice to this combination of subject matter! This stanza is absolutely over the top for me: Their moist rumblings, her hungry stomach bind one to another-- as meant to be as any pair of lovers. What a great line! Did I mention I love this part? The original had a more surreal feel, yet there is a mystical charm that creeps in when the reader least expects it with: "The gleam in her eyes is like white fire warming the milk rising in her like yeast, like sun." The imagry of her gleaming eyes is vivid for this reader. And the assonance of "like white fire" (not to mention the warm "W" sounds)picks of the pace of this stunning rhythmatic nature song. And to end on such a sentimental note, well, only a mother knows... You're on a roll this month, aren't you? Personally, I think someones sprinkling inspiration on your head. ha! Thanks for sharing this treasure. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-05 11:59:33 |
| THE PAISLEY WINDOWS | Wayne R. Leach | Hi Wayne, This is my new fav of yours. The images are so clear and crisp. Even the title is image-filled. There's alot to love here, but I especially enjoy: The alliterative metaphor "white walls of winter". All the "S"es give a whispery effect. When I read "myriad hues of watercolors" I thought of that movie with Robin Williams called "What dreams may come", and how he splashed around in vibrant watercolor. "milk-less Robins' breasts" is great! This particular phrase just blew me away: "Mountains with wide hearts and white hard-hats cling with strong purple fingers to a disappearing dream."--love it! And then I got to the last stanza which I wasn't expecting. WOW! Seems up to that point I was thinking this was solely a nature-poem. I had to go back and read it all over again several times because it is so much more then that. Should have known better, huh. Anyway, I enjoyed it immensely and can't wait to see what's next. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-04 08:25:41 |
| To the Man Reading Melville on the Beach | Thomas Edward Wright | T, careful with the gun talk, someone might think you're a republican. In this forum that's akin to suicide. Oh, very much enjoyed this poem. jj | 2004-07-04 07:45:48 |
| Eternal | Thomas H. Smihula | Hi Tom, Your presence has been missed. Glad you're back! And no better way to celebrate then to comment on this lovely poem. This is just as life seems: short and sweet. A better representation you won't find. The form and flow are suggestive of the title. The "D's" of the first stanza are overpowering just like the big "D" word (death), drawing the reader in. The "P's" in s-2 perk up our ears and the alliteration of cycle/continues adds to this beautiful poem as well. All in all, I'd say this one's a winner. Thanks for posting! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-03 14:17:05 |
| Plane Perspective | Mick Fraser | Hey stranger, Glad to see your presence here. This one reads like a log entry in a journal with it's poignant perspective and very personal comments seasoned with humor and fear all at the same time. I LOVE IT! It's like being able to look right into your wonderfully wry personality. LOL. But that's you, so transparent, and I mean that in the best of ways! I enjoyed quite a bit about this poem. Here are a few of my favs: The alliterative title adds a nice touch and zeroes right in on the subject matter. The rhymes are absolutely over the top! The comparison of playing golf and the fidgity child without a toy work well in s2. The use of the word "airbus" is great! The mix of humor and fear in s4 with the nonchalant way you now allude to having a heart attack. I'm sure at the time you didn't think it was funny at all. Actually you may have been having an anxiety attack, as the symptoms can make you think you're having an MI. The addition of alliterative words in clearly/umcomfortable/climbed/cruise, and other phrases as well, like taxied/tarmac and big/bird add immensely to the sound when read aloud. The last two stanzas are an absolute brilliant ending to the story. I laughed myself silly reading it the first time. Thanks for being able to share this with others. I admire and respect you for that. And you know I think lots of others feel as you do about flying and can really relate to this piece. Take care, Jennifer | 2004-07-03 12:45:29 |
| Nostalgia | Edwin John Krizek | Hi Edwin, I'm trying to respnd to a wider variety of poets this month. This particular one of yours caught my eye and I enjoyed it. The image of a man as a tree reaching up toward the sky is a rewarding metaphor. And I love the reference to knotholes as the scars of lifes lessons. The perspective of being older and looking back over your life is one that many (yes,including me) can relate with. The feel of this poem is so familiar and touchable like a pair of worn out slippers. And please don't take that as an insult because your language and descriptors are fresh and alive. I also enjoyed the reference to salmon swimming upstream. The title fits and the poem flows well and has excellent imagry. Thanks for posting this. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-03 11:34:13 |
| The Black Waltz | Lynda G Smith | Hi Linda, The sentiment and flow of this poem grabs me and pulls me along with you. The title is profoundly perfect and the poignant nature of this piece offers insight and perspective. I find my mind kind of swaying as I read, as though this is a dance I have known in my past. My only criticism is opening with, "I would". It gives pause in an otherwise wonderfully flowing piece and breifly distracts me. No big deal really... The line breaks are perfect giving cadence and flow and allowing the reader to digest what the narrator is relating and yet luring me on to the finish. I love that this is not broken into stanzas that would break that flow. The imagry of the raven sunning and roosting upon your back is stunning and I have known this kind of person and relate to this decription and the betrayed feeling. Someone has hurt the poet to the core and the reader is left feeling that pain and praying for healing of the poet's heart. I have found that writing is one of the most helpful and healing processes for the heart of a poet. That is actually how I got into poetry in the first place. It helped me to tear away the ice cold layers of my bitter heart and heal a little at a time. Thanks for sharing this poem with TPLers. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-07-03 10:50:51 |
| Invisible | Jana Buck Hanks | Hi Jana, I couldn't let this get by without comment. I'm sorry if you're depressed and hope that you recover soon, but I must say that depression sometimes brings out some excellent poetry and this is a good example. Of course the title says plenty and I guess I can really relate to feeling this way. (Although not lately) I like the quatrains used with the enjambment. And ending with a couplet gives just the right emphasis right where you want it. There are powerful images here and I espcially like the question in the beginning and the line "Coral snakes inside my head coil behind my eyeballs, strobeing out SOS to crying human remains of invisibility,". Nicely done, Jana! Thanks for posting this and be well! Jennifer | 2004-07-03 09:07:09 |
| Mother Sea's Recipe (Serves Two) | Joanne M Uppendahl | Gosh, Joanne, I sure am hungry for some of "Mother Sea's Recipe". How great then it is that I can savor it right here anytime. What a fresh yummy read! Talk about a feast for the senses! I can see your romantic vacation for two was an inspirational success. A nice down to earth title to go along with an especially earthy read. You blow me away from the beginning with such sweet fricatives in fragrant/fern/fronds. Toss fragrant layers of fern fronds with wild indigo berries, crisp vines,----the “I” assonance is wonderful resinous pines, tangy spruce;----nice slant rhyme with vines/pines then pepper black branches----brilliant alliteration fold in sauce-thick grasses, ----fantastic imagery top with whipped cream clouds----even better imagery, and mouth watering! over savory brown trees.---delicious! Sprinkle generously with butter yellow blossoms.----luscious-sounding When mixture settles, blend with waves; slice egg-white foam with silver knives.----more “I” assonance works nicely here Float wooden ships like chips on broth,----and more slant rhyme with ships/chips and wonderful visual garnish with salted crab legs and serve with sunset----ahhhhh yes the alliterative sunset of Mother Sea. This is such a charming poem and ripe with language that just sends me over the edge into a fantasy of being right there experiencing it myself. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us. And you can go a romantic trip to a cabin by the sea anytime if you’ll bring us home a little piece of heaven like this each time! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-26 17:14:40 |
| In Anticipation of the Pines | Joanne M Uppendahl | Oh Joanne, this is even more beautiful then the original. When you said you were going to tighten it up, it was already complete in my mind. But you have managed to make picture perfect, even more crisp and focussed. Forgive me, since I don't have a copy of both, I'll have to go on memory (ha! my memory!). First, you have separated the poem into stanzas and even added a bit. Both these additions tighten immeasurably. I'm glad you stuck with this title, "In Anticipation of Pines", as it clearly adds imagery from the beginning. In the first stanza, I immediately am struck by your "S" sounds and it relaxes me ( and believe me, after the 1st week of my new job I need a bit of relaxing) and washes over my mind like a waterfall. “It’s not far away, as vast highways go. I’ll drive slowly up the coast in a day, see wind-bent spruce, sip scent—great alliteration! of ocean flanked by surf-stung –again “S” alliteration at it’s finest! breakers below brown bluffs.”—you knocked my socks off with your “B” allits! Mileage-wise the trip is not far, but state of mind-wise it’s a long soothing trip. “Slowly” indicates this will be a pleasure trip not a business trip. This is a trip I’d like to take, as I have never seen this particular coast. But your imagery takes me there in the blink of an eye with descriptions of scenery carved by our creator for sure. “Scrub pines will sweep off the dust----Again this image is so rewarding for this reader! of daily life that dulls my senses. I’ll unwind my mind, find poppy jasper, ----the rhyme sings! sandpipers’ spare, crisscrossed tracks, ----wonderful allit breathe in sweet smoke of star-tasting ----this is smoking alright fires dotted down the beach at dark.”---more imagery sharpened here Wow Joanne, I want to take this trip for real! Your poetics are making sweet music in this stanza And you did not change it that much, but it sure makes this picture so much clearer in my mind! “Quick sea trips are simple, though I’m----assonance rings in this line unsure what lies beside the drowsy shore.----drowsy is such a fresh descriptor here As roads curve to an end, more may surface when the wind has spoken.” This last stanza is makes me want to close my eyes and wait for the wind to speak to me, conjuring up waves that make the most wonderful music. But for now the quietness of the Scene is relaxing me. This is so lovely. Your changes have given it the perfect finishing Touches to make it shine. I truly needed this as I have been a bit stressed out lately. I’m glad I got the opportunity to revisit this one. Thanks for the poem, till I can get the real thing. I can’t wait to see the carved beauty someday! Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-12 10:28:03 |
| Hush, The Young Bird Sings Once More | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, I wanted to comment on this and did not have time before the end of the contest. Life has been a little busy, but I can't let this one go. Again the title drew me in. I also found it amusing that Tom liked your title and poem so much that he wrote his own parodies. "Standing at the rim of my garden I hear you singing like a waterfall. I pause between plants, wondering" What an equisite choice of words! You know how we say "drinking it all in", well to me when you write "Standing at the rim of my garden" it reminds me of bringing the rim of a drinking vessel to my lips. So standing at the rim of the garden I envision God pouring out the beauty of His glory for all to see, and I am astounded by imagry. The interduction of the enchanting sound of the bird singing like a waterfall is superb here. Your "P"s from pause/plants are cause for our attention to focus elsewhere, and the emjambment placed there with wondering gives us cause for pause. How appropriate! "If I have imagined your song, like A memory of other springs, other scenes. Then you call again, most clearly: I drop the gloves I've meant to don, Release the spent blooms gathered up To look for you among the branches. If I could see you, call you by name Perhaps you’d remember that it is Always you I am listening for." This second stanza finds you wondering if the sound was real or imagined and it reminds me that sometimes I hear things that make me wonder if I am being led to look for or listen to something for a special reason. The fact is all things happen for a reason that only God knows. But sometimes I'll think I hear my Mom saying something to me, even tho she's been gone 6 years, I think maybe she's trying to tell me something or just watching and wanting to say good job. It's comforting to think that loved ones might be watching and waiting for us. At the very least you know this bird has been sent for you, to give you pleasure and joy as you drink in the beauty of creation. I love this poem and hope that you got to see your little bird. I tried to find MAry Oliver's Poem, but couldn't. I'll keep looking, as I want to see the inspiration of this piece. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-08 20:09:45 |
| Of Flowers, Bees and Meteors | Joanne M Uppendahl | Hi Joanne, You have a talent for writing such creative titles that lure me into reading them. What an intriguing combination of words this one is! "Of Flowers, Bees and Meteors" makes me wonder immediately what the three have in common with eachother. "I wish I knew if geraniums are always plants or sometimes veiled angels." And what a great opening line! Right away you personify the geraniums and make them your very special guardian angels. This has a childlike simplicity and innocence that is charming and completely disarming. The imagry already taking hold... "In the heaven I hope to reach, their plump faces surely wait." This inspires the reader to imagine the geranium/angels to look very much like a child wearing a flower costume in the school play or similar to those Anne Geddes baby pictures! The 'heaven I hope to reach' is a great way to throw in there that you want to hang out with these lovely creatures for eternity. Not to mention a great way to say you have faith and hope in the Lord. "Their strong stems, like long leafy arms, rise up and out as if to praise their Maker." I have often thought that the leafy stems of flowers look like they are holding their arms out to give the Glory to their Creator. You keep developing this imagry and personification that does exactly that. Gives the Glory to the MAker! "They fling sweet-lipped signals to bees and me, sing hot coral hymns at noon, hum blue tunes at dusk." This is a lovely way to add music into the poem not only with the hyms and tunes, but in your poetics, using alliteration of like/leafy/long and strong/stems, sweet-lipped/signals, and assonance of lipped/signals, bees/me, blue/tunes, hum/dusk. What a symphony! "Seeing their faces,----seeing/feeling assonance is lovely! feeling their whispers on my skin, I almost glimpse them blazing like pink meteors---YES! thats beautiful nearly see them wink." Wow! Joanne, you have created such magic in these lines! To think of their whispers on my skin tickling my face as I breath in their pink aroma of angels and see them blazing like meteors. That is just heavenly! And the last line , all by itself is set apart by itself for emphasis. The imagry here is delectable! All I can say is GLORY! You've done it again! Bless you. Jennifer ps and you better not stay up half the night just to give last minute critiquers like me a rating! I don't need one! Just ran out of time and couldn't let this one go by. | 2004-06-07 22:52:49 |
| The Death of a Poet | G. Donald Cribbs | Hi Don, This is a powerfull tribute. And thank you, not only for sharing your poem, but also for sharing the Rilke poem, which is quite beautiful. One can see how The Swan influenced your writing and how your loss has inspired much thought in regard to the passing on of our loved ones. There is a very dreamlike sureal feel to this poem. My favorite part is: "By day’s end we are spent, our lumbering through this living slumber to the last look light leaves us at the lakeshore, swan-like fierceness flickering under feathers white and tomb-like." Your "L"s shine. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your m-i-l. Memories are the healing balm God gives us. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-06 23:22:52 |
| My Mom's Motherhood | Thomas Edward Wright | Hi T, This is not just a nice tribute to your mother's motherhood. This actually this tells us quite a bit about YOU as her child and the era that you grew up in(and you're not afraid to age yourself at all, are ya? let's see, I'd say you are right around 48?) From your other poetry about your mom, we already know she holds a very special place in your heart. This one is a more personal/historical time line of your relationship with your mother. By five ceseareans, were there five of you siblings or more? I'm the middle one of five. Your poem evokes such nostalgic feeling in the reader, bringing fond memories back to me. I love the line about knitting the six foot long scarf! I did that myself! This IS a rootbeer float. jj | 2004-06-05 12:18:02 |
| Suicide | Erzahl Leo M. Espino | Hi Ezrahl, This is a lovely poem for someone special, no doubt. And what a lucky special someone to have such a sensitive and accomplished poet writing poetry to them! The title is shocking and at first I did not feel it really did the poem justice. I was even thinking maybe something like "Without You" might be more romantic, but then I realized that the starkness of the title adds allure and tells a more powerful story, then the poem could tell without it. These ten rhymed couplets flow extremely well and share with the reader your feelings by way of irony. The repititions of Like at the beginning of each line give rhythm to the poem and make it somewhat songlike. This poems just prooves you can do it all, Ezrahl. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, JEnnifer | 2004-06-05 11:12:06 |
| The Boy Who Played with Barbie | G. Donald Cribbs | Hi Don, Love the title, drew me right in and I was very pleasantly surprised. This is a wonderfully nostalgic piece for this reader as I used to make my brothers play house, barbie and anything else I could extort them into. *smile* But I realize this poem is about more then just what we played as children. This set of four quatrains with the one line at the end to clarify the truth of the poem, flows nicely and use of enjambment works well also. lol, yes we did have our tricks to get what we wanted, and still do, actually, although our means are a little more sophisticated we hope. Also I used to hope my feet wouldn't get stuck that way from wearing high heels, lol, kinda like our Moms always said our eyes would get stuck crossed. I love the transitional stanza four with it's powerful observation. My favorite line is: "I made cities beneath the porch steps dusting off the window my soul lifts with the dirt we are made of." ...Or maybe it's the whole last stanza that I love. At any rate you did a fantastic job showing us (seemingly effortless)how little boys and girls grow into such spiritual beings. I truly enjoyed this work. BLessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-05 10:37:20 |
| Just For Fun | Marcia McCaslin | Hi Marcia, I miss having you around here. Please don't leave us! We need you. I know what you're doing is really cool, but can't you stay here too? This one sure reads like a humorous little country ditty with a nice rhyme scheme. Needs a differnet name though. That one is not catchy enough for a country music song, ya know.*smile* Something like "Meetin My Maker" or "My Judgement Day" These are my favorite lines: "I’ll sit down to a PC with pearl qwerty board, As fast as the lightning can flash, Where mistakes are corrected before I am scored And carried away to the Trash." The ending's cute too. Did you make a song out of it? Thanks for sharing. It made my day Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-04 23:26:25 |
| Balanced Accounts | Mell W. Morris | Hi Mell, I learn so much from every one of your poems. That's part of why I hold each one so dear. Suffice it to say, one doesn't study much poetry or literature in nursing school and I have not really had time until recently to do much studying on my own. I raised five children while going to nursing school and then working full-time as soon as I graduated. In fact, if it weren't for all the erupting emotions from mistakes I made along the way, I might never have even looked to poetry at all. (just because I never really had much spare time until recently) But I have always been into listening to a variety of music, though. But with all the forum discussion, occasional additional notes or quotes regarding various famous poet's work, I feel I am getting much more of an education here in recent months. I never knew much about Wallace Steven's work, but have been reading about him and his poetry and feel like I just found out one of your many influences. The music of poetry is something you seem to have in common with him. We all live in some degree of tempered imperfection, don't we? I find this poem delightfully poignant. Your notable vocabulary shines right from the start with such perfect word selections and melodious rhythms. At my window before morning while The world sleeps, I gulp the moon As palliation. I would efface all I own for a trace of longanimity Sometimes it’s hard to know we have no control over our situation or at least we have no patience left for our physical weaknesses. Especially when the mind is sharp, but the body simply won’t cooperate. I’m intrigued by your use of ‘gulping the moon’ to ease your pain. And why else would you be up while the rest of the world sleeps. I see an IV drip coming straight down from the sky to your arm. *Smile* The combination of the slant rhyme efface/trace and the assonance from adding ‘palliation’ to the mix turns up the music a notch. Graceful is the word I wish spoken Of me as it is not the tragedy which Matters but how it is borne. I tire Of being reminded to count my Blessings. Counting, my stamina Wanes as the lone light in the sky Oozes unction. I'd rather function Than tot my assets. Seeing red. You’ve got it right about the ‘how’ of handling our trials being the reason or purpose for trials in the 1st place. I can relate here. Of all virtues, grace seems to be the most needed, and hardest to develop. Assonance of me/tragedy makes S-2 flow well. Unction/function is brilliant rhyming. You’re ‘seeing red’, Is it because you’ve been at the window so long the sun is coming up, anger at the situation or more about being frustrated with how well you’re dealing with the situation? The latter is usually my issue. Yes, graceful is the word I prefer To describe me, even when restored, Able to face the faustian future. Yet recovery may reveal this truth: From long lack of use, my graces Annealed and the planet still Pulses pizzicato with irony. Alliteration of face/faustian/future is an intriguing choice of words that doesn’t surprise me at all coming from you. Makes me wonder if you’re making a deal with the devil to get well, haha And there we have it. “Tempered imperfection” and the ‘planet still pulses/pizzicato with irony’. Wow! What a superb ending! Yes, it certainly does and the other Thing I’m fairly sure of is that will never change. Ha! Thanks for sharing this poem. Blessings, Jennifer | 2004-06-04 21:13:01 |
| For Whom The Young Bird Sings | Thomas Edward Wright | T, Yes, exactly! Great tribute to Joanne's poetry. Oh little bird with your talent, sense of humor and knowledge I'll drop glove to listen to you any ole time. jj | 2004-06-04 09:17:24 |
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