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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jennifer j Hill	Critique Date
Freeway Lemons	Jillian K Sorenson	Hi Jillian, Welcome to the link. Hope you'll stick around. Your metaphors are producing (ha!) such fresh imagry! I feel like I am standing at the fruit-n-veggie stand in the country, looking at the REAL DEAL when I read your poem. You communicate thoughts and feelings well here and you do it in such a fresh invigorating way. I have no suggestions for improvement. I love it just the way it is. I just wanted to comment before the end of the contest. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-06-04 09:03:53
A Tribute	Sherri L Smith	Hi Sherri, I echo your sentiments. All these people are due our sincere gratitude and our prayers. This is a tribute that gives me hope. Hope that there are others out there who share with us the idea that we need to stand behind our soldiers who are fighting for the cause of freedom and against terrorism in the world. We need to give them our support and pray for their safe return. You honor those soldiers,and all the people who fought for the cause of freedom and peace in WWI, WW2, Korea and Vietnam with your tribute poem. Thanks for remembering and reminding all of us of the debt of gratitude that is owed. In my church every sunday morning all the men go to the front of the church and kneel while we all pray with the pastor for our soldiers who are serving, our president and the people of the middle east. We have been doing this since the sunday after 9-11 and will continue until they safely return home. You stand on solid ground when you say these things and I salute you for having the guts to say what you believe. Kudos and blessings to you, Jennifer	2004-06-01 11:53:36
japanese verse 49 (Eclipse)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, I find this japanese verse to be truly exquisite! First, the subject is such a facinating one. Solar eclipses have always intrigued me. As usual every word you use weighs in perfectly to balance and harmonize the piece. The idea of the moon being associated with the pirate of darkness is romantic and adventurous. The use of 'ambushed' clicks for this reader, going perfectly with the idea of the pirate. And then, 'moment' clicks again as it ticks and to think that the eclipse lasts just a moment and in that moment it's like time stands still. Then, 'steal the jewel of light'----This word, 'steal' is significant in that it implys the taking of something (again in reference to a pirate) that belongs to someone else. Our jewel of light is taken from us for that moment in time. Your "L"s sing and soar! Thanks for the adventure! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-28 10:19:30
Morning	Mark Andrew Hislop	Hi Mark, Morning has broken and it can't be fixed. :) sorry..just my failed attempt at being funny. I like this one, because you have a way of injecting humor in a disarming manner. Morning is a hard concept for most of us and you show your youth (or at least youthful attitude) in that you are able to still treat your body this way(fag and double expresso) and it doesn't bite back at you. ha! Water flushes it away indeed! And the mint leaves add a nice touch. good touch of humor And is it 'whack' as in wham? or as in crazy? jk, For me it works on both levels. :) Ressurected is a good word for all us morning zombies stubbling around. Nice alliteration with stagger/stage and great use of 'stage'. The comparrison of humans to pigeons is great with all the lingo that goes with it(preening...) This imagry is nice also. Alliteration of daylight/duties works well. Other poetics employed are assonance/consonnance with dreaming/preening, lumps/clump, peck/imperatives, twitch/lurch, all adding to the sound which I enjoyed when I read it aloud. I'd say the ending is very effective with the use of the word "stab". I like what you've done with this and have no suggestions for revision. regards, Jennifer	2004-05-27 12:42:01
The Sequel to Changing With The Changes	Marcia McCaslin	Well Maricia, Sequels aren't typically as good as the originals, but this one is at least as good and maybe better. "He couldn’t tell you where she ended and he began. The answer was in the shadow that wrapped him mute.(The phrase "shadow that wrapped him mute"is fresh and apt) He couldn’t tell you why the food the neighbors brought had no taste or why his tongue found no flavor or why his body gathered no strength."(This is an apt description of someone experiencing the greif process. I saw my Dad go through this after my mother and then brother died.) "His crops ripened beneath an expectant sun; animals weaned their young according to ancient encodings and(love the assonance and consonnance here) the seasons changed."(Life went on without him and maybe even in spite of him) "Autumn enforced her dominion before Winter graciously accepted her crown.(definately in spite of him and winter can make you feel so alone. I especially like the way you use the passing of seasons and the inevitableness (is that a word?)of the seasons to change ) Then the bulbs of Spring heralded their final statement. Reds and yellows glowed beneath intermittent snows"( Time marches on and it takes time to greive a loss such as this. I especially like the way you've shown us a year passing in clear imagry and yet brevity. Your choice of language like "enforced, dominion, crown, heralded" helps to promote this imagry well. The poetics are there too with assonance and consonnance strengthening the imagry.) Marvelous ending. We have to have hope. All is lost when we don't have our hope. Brava! is all I have left to say here. Blessings, JEnnifer	2004-05-27 11:23:42
Australia, My Home	Alexander Inman	Hi Alexander, This is pretty good. Is it your first effort at writting poetry? If so, I'd say you have a good start and a talent that will only get better with time and practice. Nice, patriotic title for this poem, I can tell you love your country. It's also an imformational poem, telling the reader about the land and fauna of Austrailia. The tactile imagery of the sand between your toes adds a nice touch. Your rhymes are not always solid and the meter not perfect, but those are skills that one learns over time, so don't worry about that for now. The fact that you are able to tell us about your home land in a poetic voice and hold your own doing so is quite immpressive. Australia is famous for there are bushlands--I would exclude [there are] And many many rocks, Uluru is one of them, Abandoned by woolly flocks----love the use of "woolly" here, and your rhyme is stong! I enjoyed this poem, Alexander and wish to see you writing more poetry as you learn and grow! Thanks for sharing this poem with all of us at TPL. Are you related to anyone on the link? I'm just curious. My best, Jennifer	2004-05-25 11:31:19
Enchanted Stew	Edwin John Krizek	Hi Ed, mmmmmmmmm, you used one of my favorite spices. The spice of life. I really like the way you've laid this out, In short lines that mimmick the way life happens. The repititions add a rhythm that makes it light and musical. I've read it over several times and find it best when read aloud. You seem to have all the ingredients there for a well-balanced meal (or life). I have only one question. In line nine am I missing something or is that coma after little unneeded? This made for an enjoyable read and I look forward to reading more of your work. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-24 15:37:44
At The Full Of The Moon	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, Another true blue gem. "Light slides from the day----This stanza is worded so beautifully! like blue satin being pulled by fingers beneath the horizon." It's making me have second thoughts about which of your lovelies to vote for. "Stars splash into place."----I'm getting wet from standing too close. "An unstable moon rocks----Awesome imagry! back and forth up the ridge like a rock cart wheel." "It is full of itself and----Yeah, I bet it is! laughing at the earth." "The mood catches on."----It's contageous "The young feel old enough;----So true!! The old feel young enough. Hormones dance around with urgency--" "It could be now or never."----In some cases we hope never. lol This is a fun one. Cute idea. I'm glad I didn't miss it. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-07 17:37:01
Blue Dragonfly - Revisited	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, Well I don't see how you can improve on perfection, but that's exactly what you did! You tightened this up with just a few minor adjustments. No wonder it's on the top of the winners list, it's splendor in simplicity. I note that you corrected a small typo with flickering in S-1, changed to "as a sparkling adornment by an aesthetic angel?" from "a sparkling adornment left by an aesthetic angel?" which does makes it more clear and concise, and in S-2 added the hyphen in life-form. All minor adjustment that simply fine tune an already winning poem. I've had the most lovely afternoon reading all of your poems for the month. It's been a treat I gave to myself on a much-needed afternoon of doing whatever I please. (that doesn't happen often) I won't be critiquing "Walking in the Rain at Cannon Beach", because I accidently hit the skip button when I comemnted on it, lol, but I sure enjoyed it as well and hope you'll forgive my duh! moment. Thanks for a lovely afternoon. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-07 17:09:17
Instructions for My Burial	Joanne M Uppendahl	I'm feasting on your work today, Joanne! This is just glorious. I knew it would be great when I read the title. Where did you come up with this idea? It's perfection! The alliteration is musical in: my/moss, my/mother's, soft/socks-which also has assonance. Ha! A granite coffee pot(assonance) at your head! Love it! To be preserved in sea water, yeah me too, please. Nice choice of what to read. The choices of pics for the obit made me laugh out loud. And perfect music choices! You're such an earth child, what better way to go then with pine cones at your feet. What fun this one is. I love your sense of humor. Not everyone can be this whimsical about their funeral. lol It's good for the soul though, isn't it? Well, your poetry is sustaining me quite nicely today. I'm tucking this idea away in my brain for future reference of something to do'to lighten my mood on a rainy day. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-07 16:38:11
Canticle	Joanne M Uppendahl	Oh my goodnes, Joanne, I missed this one completely. The others I read and was waiting till I had time to comment, but this hym of praise I somehow missed! There couldn't be a more perfect title! "How blissfully tulips are glistening---striking assonance/consonance each tilted face an upturned cup---lilting rhyme and perfect personification! of purple red or yellow gold, each blossom’s ears bare to sun, listening"---they even have ears to listen to your rhymes! "As flickering spring songs are sung---and what a lovely chorus it is, with rhyme and alliteration that sings. o’er din of birds’ announce the day’s begun - the day’s begun!"--- the rhyme and repetition accent perfectly "At noon they breathe out deeply praising, sighing, and then sleepily---more lilting rhyme and melody, I can hear the rhythm nodding as evening prayers arise from petals closing over tulip eyes"---the image is so clear in my mind and still more fresh rhyme "As flickering spring songs are sung o’er din of birds’ announce the day is done - the day is done!"---and ending with more repetition in the chorus. I sure hope this one gets music with it, because it deserves to sing ists praises toward the sky. This is a joyful psalm! Thanks for blessing the link with this one. Brava to you! In His grace, Jennifer	2004-05-07 16:04:21
Blue Dragonfly	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, My first reaction is a loud and resounding GLORY! I'm on a Joanne binge today, so I hope you don't mind if I bombard you with comments on your poetry on the last day of the contest, before they all disappear from my list. I need to find a way to spread them out, so I can use them to sustain me all month long, instead. This like is like a boutonniere on the Almighty's lapel. I've always considered dragonflys as magical fairy-like creatures. Surely they must be as you say, "a sparkling adornment left by an aesthetic angel?" And just like magical things, it is hard to see them untill a little toss of the head as you so aptly put it. The "E" assonance is enchanting, as the fleeting moment described within."S" sounds sweep through flying high and low. The contrast and consonance of mate/marauder shines here, or should I say flickers with light. :) I love watching the dragonflys while lazily sailing on a no-wind summer day. Just to lay back and catch the twinkle of light as the sun captures it's transluscent wings just right or see them dancing one on one floating atop the water. ahh, thanks for the chance to linger in that thought a moment. That's one for the winter daydreams, isn't it! Yes, I love that sweeping thing they do. You captured that so well in the second stanza! You personify and give them a remarkably charming ability to percieve what they don't see(you standing there unmoving). Oh , but the last line! "How you gratify my splendor hunger!" Yes! Hungry for the splendor of the Glory of God! Thanks for this little hymm. And Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-07 15:08:19
The Last Visit	Sherri L. West	Dear Sherri, What a striking difference this is to the lighthearted poem I just critiqued. You have a well rounded gift. I enjoyed your other poem of remembrance about your grandmother and it is a wonderful prerequisite to this one. Before I comment on the poetics, I'd like to take a second here to tell you this experieince you had of showing up to visit the grandmother of your childhood and instead finding her thin, frail and senile, must have been emotionally difficult to cope with. What took place after that is something that only your heart can tell. And your heart doesn't turn tail and run. In this short poem you have captured the story of how you came to terms with this reality with grace and kept your grandmothers dignity intact. I'm sure she is smiling now. The title whispers of memories and the poem does not dissapoint. In the first stanza you stimulate those olfactory senses memories with "spring's first blossoms blessed". (nice alliteration) You employ fricatives and whispery W's to describe the beginning of this coming to terms with a cherished grandmother's inevitable physical and mental aging. The flair with which you write about this experience is inspired! I have experienced the “Welcome-stranger-have-we-met-before” smile of Alzheimers so I know how hard that had to be , yet you describe it perfectly. The phrase "I was amazed at the you I never knew" absolutely sings. You exhibit profound understanding with: "Gentle mercy sheltered you from loss of husband and son but I lost you in the haze of the past" In stanza six we find that time can not steal the bond shared between you two because it was still intact, just waiting for your hearts to recognize eachother, as kindred spirits. And Another nice alliteration in wind/whipped. One of my favorite parts is: "I came seeking comfort from my past and left with strength from yours You gave me a gift you didn’t know you had." And if your grandmother can't make you feel special, then WHO can? Thanks for sharing this, I quite simply love it.	2004-05-07 13:58:41
Why is it that.....	Sherri L. West	Hi Sherri, This is a lighthearted poke of fun at aging! I enjoy the clever use of the title as the beginning of the poem. All the questions show you are questioning the aging process and why shouldn't you. You're not ready for the grave yet! You still have many poems to write, I hope. Because I am enjoying your work and looking forward to more of it. I like the free style form for this and your use of space and of course the use of questions. It's perfect as is. It cracks me up your Mom was worried everyone would think she's ancient because of this poem! My question is this: Is it still fun to drive your mother nuts after all these years? LOL I'm so glad you came to the link! BLessings, Jennifer	2004-05-07 12:05:35
Country Music	Marcia McCaslin	Oh girlfrin, yu got it goin on! Did I ever have all your poems in one clump that stayed forever at the bottom of my list. Perseverence paid off. They are finally at the top portion. YAY! First your Haiku/senyru, and now this. It's my lucky day. :) This is the most pleasing structure and poem for that matter. Personally , sometimes I just want a poem I don't have to try to analyse. One that just tells me how the cow ate the cabbage. HA! Is that country enough for you? lol. I think I'm giddy from your Haiku. Sorry...I'll chill. This is simple, yet enjoyable. It puts the reader there on the dance floor. Love the olfactory stimulation! I adore that song by Emmy Lou. She's a fav of mine. I have a Christmas CD that has her version of "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem", and it's very lovely. Ditto for the music of Patsy Cline and Willie Nelson. Great metaphor in s-4! But your ending is superb. Still be played indeed! Thanks for the laughs, IMO you're a real class act. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-06 14:17:43
Haiku (She Digs It)	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, HA! You are too funny. Heres my answer to that! Haiku (Marcia) queen of new haiku a rocker in two senses cool cucumber too Ha this is fun! Love it! Peace, Jen	2004-05-06 13:51:41
Learning to Fly	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, Awesome, I finally get this on the top of my list! This stream of consciousness poem makes this aged reader just wanna close her eyes and feel free as the breeze (I have arthritis-ouch). Love the way you chose the perfect form for this : free verse equals free-flying. Oh, right out of the gate it's nice "W" sounds with whirligigs(I love that word!)/wildly/windy. Assonance is wafting on the breeze as well. In line 3, another option would be "[swirling]in my head". The 'Medicine man'! What an excellent choice of description and it's alliterative as well! In line 6, another option would be "physical [exertion]". Love the simile in S-3. Love everything in s-3. And you wowed us with "my morning mantra messages" a massive allit that sings. My spirits are lifted just reading this fun poem! And that is a cool idea to use a picture to inspire a poem. I just might have to try that one. You have hit a balance here that is fun and serious, Mick. I like that. Please keep writing and blessing us with your charming work.(I do really mean that you know) Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-06 11:33:03
japanese verse 44 (Cross)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Ezrahl, Sounding righteous is not a problem, it's sounding self-righteous that is frowned upon. lol And no, you do not sound self-righteous at all. If you want to, however, you could revise to "Emblem of[our]faith" with 'our' meaning all Christians. I like this senryu very much. The cross, as a symbol of our faith, is a rewarding and reassuring thought. The "straight line pointing to heaven is a double meaning that I really enjoy, because not only does it work in the physical sense of a standing cross, but also when we walk the straight and narrow path, following His precepts, it leads us to heaven. How cool is that! "Against twisted world" is an important part, because we can either live by faith or by worldly ways. It is a choice we make everyday. There is no fence-staddling on this one. Thanks for a wonderful tribute to our Savior. Blessinsg, Jennifer	2004-05-06 10:10:20
Who Slew My Daffies?	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, Your sense of humor shines through on this little ditty. I laughed out loud when I read it, but I'm thinking in your part of the country that probably happens most years. Which makes me wonder how you can keep from getting frutrated about it. Here in Missouri we had a frost night before last which rarely happens. I like the short line structure here, as it's about the length of spring in the Rockies. lol I feasted on this buffet of rhyme and assonance and came away full. The visual of the daffies hunched over is clear as a bell and kinda sad. But they'll come back to play again next year! Thanks for sharing this cute cute poem. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-05 17:37:41
Thumb of Green	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, This is a treat for the ears. I enjoy reading it aloud. "Thumb of Green" is just a hint of the wonderous "E" assonance your poem is chock full of. There is so much assonance I can not possibly mention it all in my critique, but right from the start you tell us "even her peas seem pleased" and 4 out of the five words used have the "E" sound. I love the image of the corn standing tall and waving. This is a person so dedicated to growing veggies, she can stop only by way of death. Alliteration of softly/sifts in S-2 adds dimension, as does your slant rhyme of fingers/lingers. Again the imagry is nice and through out the poem the reader gets a sense of this prolific gardner in her garden sifting through the soil, love of the work in her eyes, and in her car with all her baskets of veggies, wearing her hat, as she perspires from her toiling. All visuals that reinforce her gardener image and endear her to the reader, along with her philosophy of life. Finding all the rhyme in your poetry is one of the most rewarding and endearing endeavors. Here I see glance/plants, curtail/fail, more/before, town/around, green/sheen, part/heart all adding the rhythm I dearly love to hear. Cheerful/care in S-5 another wellplaced allit, adding to the sounds. The music of dew-kissed crisp is downright delightful music! I enjoyed this one so much. I dabble in the garden a bit and have always wished I could be this kind of person with a thumb of green and an abundance of produce, but alas I barely get enough for my own family. Thanks for posting this and I hope you're doing well these days. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-05 16:40:19
Come Walk With Me	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, So now you're writing praise songs and doing it so effortlessly. I hope you read and write music too, because it would be a shame not to hear this one on the radio. *smile* I want to see leaves softly scrubbing [wonderful allitteration] angel wings! Actually through the imagry of your words I am. God's Glory is all around and you point out where in this lovely tribute. other nice allits are cunning/corridors, fain/footsteps and syncopated/seranade. Incredable flow and amazing softness! What a sensory delight this is. I see the majesty of the trees, hear the brook and the silence, and feel the wind. Thanks for another of your tributes to the glory of nature all around us! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-05 13:41:58
What is Rooted We Revisit in Sleep	G. Donald Cribbs	Hi Don, This poem is a fabulous journey over the narrators life and I so thouroughly enjoyed reading it. I only hope that my own marriage(3y) will grow like this. "A warm privacy of illumination" is an appealing phrase that gives off warmth and light. It reminds me of that bible verse, Matthew 5: 14----"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way let your light shine before men that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." So true how the time spent together helps to lighten the load of the work. The journey and the world make us feel very small, and the journey seems so quick! The words flow much like the breeze through the leaves of the sycamore. I only have one suggestion for this piece and that is to cut these lines in half to make it not quite so long. I think this will give a neater look to the piece without actually changing anything. But in honesty, it's quite lovely as is. Thanks for a warm bright spot in my day. Blessings, Jennifer The ending is exquisite, "The hope of trees, new leaves"	2004-05-05 13:21:50
Majourney Well	Thomas Edward Wright	TW: This weekend being Mother's Day, I'm basking in the tenderness of this tirbute. It does tend to make me tear up, but only because it is so obvious that you love her so much and I can relate. The beautiful and loving heart she gave you is easily glimpsed from here. And you don't waste it. I love the metaphor of sailing. Here's to the only one and the one and only. Cheers, jj	2004-05-05 12:49:25
Baby In The Grey Cloud	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, Here I am again. I could not let this one get by it. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I read it. Your gift is so obvious here and I just really want to thank you for writing this. The personification is brilliant and the development is outstanding. The use of free verse here is perfect and the flow when reading loud is more then we could hope for. Each new stanza presents a fresh new way of thinking about it. Such great imagry! My fav part is: "Greatness awaited. But how could this be? Dust did not inherit greatness, and ashes did not attract gold." The artfull cloud thing at the end adds to the visual. Thanks so much for posting this,it's my fav of yours this month! Blessings Jennfier	2004-05-05 12:35:59
Eye Hath Not Seen	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, You have quite the imagination! This is just wonderful. I can just picture that dog rolling in the truffles like my dog rolls in ...um well the grass. lol sorry... What grand imagry you evoke! This piece flows incredably well, too. Being a chocolate addict, I really would like it if this chocolate heaven wish came true! Thanks for putting this crazy thought in my head. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-05 11:46:39
White, Fallow Worlds	C Arrownut	Hi C, I like this poem alot! What it says is deep and meaningful and you say it in a way that sounds really nice with all your lovely alliteration. Beautiful! What I would do with this is restructure to promote flow, something like this: Last night beyond control of science came the blizzard At dawn outside the haven of my townhouse snow drifts to five feet Masive mounds cover cars glistening in the glare Angels of white link all Come afternoon the whole neighborhood out shoveling together pile flakes ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilding the impenetrable walls between us Seldom able to connect islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception to enternity We bond only for fleeting moments even then we recreate our white fallow world What do you think? Thanks for sharing this and I hope I haven't offended you by taking such liberties. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-04 13:28:42
An Atheistic Affermation of Faith	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Hi Paul, What an intersting free verse this is! The structure of this piece is well done and the added touch of 'void' being vertically written through 'through' is perfection. Is there a name for that maneuver? If so I'm not aware of it, but I find this especially creative. The content of the poem is sad, yet probably quite accurate. The way you stated it is artful. Can you just imagine the deafening noise? Sorry, I know most people don't even want to think about it. This is one of the reasons why every Christian should volunteer in some type of ministry where the truth is spoken. But I guess I need to be quiet now before I get on my soap box. The only problem I see here is the typo in the title, a minor one. Thanks for sharing this poem. Posting it shows guts and spunk in my mind. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-05-04 08:54:14
Creature Comforts	Mick Fraser	Hey Stranger, Hope you had a nice vacation. Y'uall's gift was sorely missed 'round here. I like your alliterative title. Some o' yu creatures sure have peculiar habits. Like drinking whiskey outa one o' them there water bowls. But otha then that I like where yu went with this. LOL sorry , couldn't resist. I haven't had anyone to pick on while you were gone. Sounds like the narrator might feel a tad married to the cat, so-to-speak. haha You use comparison/contrast for this piece and the outcome is interesting and endearing, but I think there is more you could explore with this line of reasoning. For instance, maybe give us a few more morsels about each of your social lifes. One thing I would lose is the overuse of the word 'often'. Maybe try saying "always curious, often frightened, sometimes not caring" just as an example. Another change you might think about is in S-3, L-2 try ["I lap up liquid"] so we know what or who is doing the lapping(Not the water bowl). Nice "L"s and fricative "F"s in this. I like the overall feel of this piece. I'm curious why the morsels are hidden in S-1? I hope you don't think I'm picking the entire poem apart, because I actually really enjoyed reading this one. Next thing I know, you'll tell me this was about you and your wife. LOL. Glad you're back! Peace, Jennifer ps The Sweet Dream's belly got tickled in the Lake again! And she was loving it!	2004-04-25 21:21:04
japanese verse 46 (Hyenas)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, This is a perfect example of why I love reading your poems. With all the assonance and alliteration of your poetics, you would expect this to be a smooth, flowing piece. But when I get to 'chuckle' it is more like the effect of a clanging cymbal. The fact is, a hyena with it's laugh doesn't blend in to it's environment well and you have portrayed this aspect of the hyena with your poetics. Very nicely done! I would suggest you lose the capitalization of savannah, unless this is a specific place you are describing. I assume you are referring to any grassland where we would find a hyena, but is that correct? An enjoyable read and I Thank you for sharing this. As always have a blessed day, Jennifer	2004-04-23 11:09:19
Changing With The Changes	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, Wow, Your first stanza draws the reader into this charmingly beautiful, and emotionally honest, touching piece. "For her, he was the book she could not put down.[---beautiful!] For him, she was the dream that came without sleep.[----a dreamer and a bookworm,now that's good company!] She found in him the ever-deepening mystery that never quite revealed all its secrets; he found her as a kite finds the sky."[---I love that line] "Together, they had been more than the sum of their parts; apart, less than half."[What a neat way to say they made a great pair] "He hadn’t realized he had a glass heart, and she hadn’t realized she had a failing one"[hers failed and his shattered? I think I'm gonna cry] This is making my eyes sting. What a touching poem this is. "She had been his unfolding, just as gently as he had been her unflowering."[----how beautiful, no better way to say it!] "That last morning after breakfast and before he went to the fields, he had kissed her soap-washed face, always smooth and fragrant as an apple blossom—but he couldn’t remember if he told her he loved her—-how very much he loved her.[----ok now tears are streaming down my face. What wonderful sentiment] [He must have loved her very very much] [I most definately think it was saying I love you. there are many ways to say it and that is one of them.] All I can say is Brava! What an emotional response that evoked! Thankyou for sharing this loving poetry with us. Was this someone close to you? Blessings, Jennifer	2004-04-15 16:26:49
japanese verse 45 (Stream)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Ezrahl, This is nice. The assonance of hidden/rivulet/midst is musical. Your second line builds on the first and clarifies the how of it. And the idea of mountains having shoulders provides an endearing image for this reader. Runs to open sea gives me an image of the sea opening welcoming arms to the stream in a loving bearhug. Very nicely done. Thanks for the wonderful images you've given us within these few short lines. Blessings, Jennfier	2004-04-15 11:38:30
Can I Be Jewish Too?	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Dear Paul, Love how your title is a question. That is intriguing to this reader, as is the idea of the poem. The open airy feeling from your spacing is great for encouraging thought and overall this is a tremendously thought provoking poem. What a great time of year to bring this up. I am enjoying this piece, as you have even made me delve into the word a bit. Here is what I came up with: "A man is not a jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God." Romans 2: 28-29 Abraham believed God and it was credited to Him as righteousness. The words "it was credited to him were written not for him alone, but also for us to whom God will credit righteousness. For us who blieve in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. Romans 4: 23-24 I would say we can't all be jews in the strict sense of the word, but we can all be saved and loved as God's chosen people. Amen? Thanks for making me ponder this. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-04-08 10:35:06
Tranquil in the Wind	Debbie Spicer	Hi Debbie, This has a melodic songlike effect that is so pleasantly soothing, especially with the repetitive lines at beginning and end. Every time I read this piece I get an image of angelic singing and the sheer fabric of their robes blowing in the gentle wind. I know these words have a very personal meaning to you after all you have been through and I say a prayer of thanks to our dear Lord and Savior that you are with us today sharing this lovely evidence of the gift He gave you. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-04-06 14:25:41
Terra Incognita	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, Have you ever accidently pressed the back key while writing a detailed critique? I was almost done with my comments on this spendid poem when I lost them. Now I have just enough time to tell you I enjoyed this piece and felt as if I had gone on a hot air balloon ride through the mysterious recesses of your mind, complete with feeling slightly dizzy, as though I had stepped off the balloon when I reached the end. What a knack you have (and what a love of that knack I have) for using slant rhyme and assonance and color and rhythm to make the reader soar with you through this stream of conciousness type piece. Your use of enjambment adds to the stream of conciousness effect and the use of questions also add tremendously to the soaring effect bringing the reader with you to the big question that you are pondering-where do you fit into the universe and in what relationship to others? My fav part is "Do tubas always bellow yellow for you, too?", which caused an explosion of color in my head. Thanks for the ride! I'm sorry I was not able to do justice to this piece. But rest assured it did not go unnoticed and I enjoyed the ride immensely. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-04-06 11:49:34
Among Lilies	Lynda G Smith	Dear Lynda, Welcome back. Actually thank goodness you came back, because otherwise we would have missed out on this beautiful offering. This is the perfect time of year for a message such as this one. Your poem speaks to me of faith and does so in a way that causes my heart to sing with joy. The title, "Among Lilies" (and the poem too)is reminescent of the resurrection of Christ and the remembrence of all our loved ones who've passed on. I have read this piece over and over and each time I get more and more out of it. The rhythm and cadence is superb. The idea of what you are saying is fantastic and the way you say it is cause for celebration. Your "L's" are music to my ears as is the whole idea of lilies ribbon curling around your legs. Your "c" allits and preserve/nerve rhyme add more music. "pickling white brine of memory" is extraordinarily done and one of my favorite parts. Other phrases that sing are "encircle an ankle", "cull a liquid sigh", "Of last breath, Of life, or death", "abyss of the unconscious", "Baptism of belief", "promise and possibility", well, I guess what I'm trying to say is the entire piece sings. I don't even know how to express my appreciation for your posting. It's going to take me days just to realize all the ways I will treasure this piece. Thanks for comming back. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-04-01 11:04:17
japanese verse 41 (Rainbow)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, ahhhh! This is so very lovely. And it's made even sweeter by your thoughtful dedication on the forum to Claire. That gesture of love will no doubt create a lasting impression for all of us here on TPL and especially Claire. Your first line brings to mind the covenant God made with all creation after the destruction of Noah's era. *smile* I keep thinking a rainbow is God's smile turned upside down. He creates alot of fantastic things, but the spectrum of colors in a rainbow is one that gives us new meaning to the word HOPE. The thought of rain being a "plethora of tears from heaven's cheeks" is rewarding! I think I just found my new favorite of your Japanese verse. Thank you so much for this spendicity. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-30 14:17:00
japanese verse 43 (Destiny)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, I've read,related to and enjoyed "No Excuses", and somehow never realized it begins in a Japanese verse format. What a great addition to your collection this is. This piece describes destiny to a tee. As a whole humans are what God made us to be and we cannot change what we are destined to be. IT is all part of His plan. We are however prodigies and as such are able to look up for a shining example as others who go before us point out the way. Thanks for posting this! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-30 13:37:36
By the Pond	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, I savored every word of this short and sweet piece. "By the Pond" drew me in completely and I was there by the pond immediately. Your word choices with stalks/sentries, compliment each other so awesomely, with stalks having a double meaning. The Consonance/assonance of green/geese/greet sings off the page and wild Iris/wandering geese make my heart vault into the sky above the pond to witness this site from the best perspective. Oh my, Joanne, the next line is so lusciously harmonic with the assonance of Ducks/cupped/upturned, not to mention the personification of the pond with "cupped in pond’s upturned palms". Your gift at coining such a phrase is amazing and I know you have such wonderful inspiration, but it takes a certain kind of person to recognize the beauty and then to translate that beauty to these unique images. It's a God-given gift that you are not wasting! Those late arriving gulls! they probably hid, waiting for just the right time, scavengers that they are! And of course they are going to perform (wheeling and dipping)for their food, just to show off! "flung bread" is such a great way to give us a visual of you tearing pieces of bread up and vaulting them into the air for the birds. You images are so crisp in this poem. There is no doubt, I am there watching. Once again the assonance of buds/snuggle sings as does this last portion of the poem. The metaphor of Sprin's womb is magnificent as is the image created here. "a cradle full of summer with velvet sighs to come." I'm floating in the clouds and may never come down! This phasing is exquisite with soft Luxurious texture and sound. If we were at a poetry reading this would get you a standing ovation! There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord is smiling and the angels rejoicing at the glorification of His creation you have participated in here. Thanks for this offering to Him. I do plan to print this off for more reading pleasure, if that is okay with you. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-30 10:44:53
Purposely Me	DeniMari Z.	Hi DeniMari, This is lovely for all the right reasons. "Purposely Me" is a great title. God gave you more then just the time, He gave you the purpose. I love how He does that for us. And who better then our creator to make us this way, In His own image? You have a great beginning here with the comment about never achieving wealth, fame or star status- all worldly things that don't matter past this life (yet many many people put so much emphsis on them.) The visual of you running up the stairs of your life is priceless. Great metaphor! Against all odds you grew a "heart and loving soul with an infinity of passion". That is something to be happy about, because not everyone is that happy with thier lives. The exuberance you ooze here is quite inspiring and just plain wonderful. If you could bottle it , I'm sure you would earn wealth, fame and stardom. *smile*. Not that you would want it. The infinity of passion that fills up the mirror of your life is another great metaphor. Nice ending too. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem and look forward to reading more of your work. I have no suggestions for revision, as I thinkit's perfect the way it is. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-28 16:36:04
"The Passion"	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, Thanks for being brave enough to post this on TPL. I went to see the movie as well, and I have to say that it was a very humbling experience like no other I remember. It brings home the idea of what Christ really did for us. I know I don't deserve it. I never in a million years could deserve it. But He did it for me just the same. For no other reason then that, I know I must try to live His important commandment. The command to love everyone. Thank you for your tribute to the movie and for sharing how you felt. It means alot to me to know that other people on this site experienced this film and felt the bite of remorse and conviction for sin in their lives. To him you are precious, Marilyn. To Him it was worth it. "Take, eat, this is My body" traipsed through my mind as I felt the anguish of His morrow---I could relate to this as that's what went through my mind as well. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. Bless you for writing this, Jennifer	2004-03-28 16:08:42
My Summer Dream Cabin	Marcia McCaslin	Dear Marcia, Hi, I wrote a critique for this poem and lost it last week, so here I go again because there's no way I can let this one go by without comment. Your summer dream cabin sounds like something out of a Thomas Kincaide Painting, So warm and cozy and charming. Can I live there too, please? The phrase, "crocheted in webs of reindeer moss" is delightful and gives an image in our minds that is picturesque. There is instantly music with the "throaty song" and the boisterous play of the stream. Nice touch. The visual of the smoke puffs from the chimney is rewarding for this reader. What a quaint place this is! The idea of a high-country garden is lovely sounding and, "salad bar for all creatures hungry for the taste of green." gives new meaning to the phase salad bar. Watching the animals and the pictures that you'd get would be awesome. Sounds like you have a child nuturing soul and dreams for the future nuturing of your own soul. I love the end "drink deeply from the glacial trickle". It sounds so refreshing and like it has a double meaning. Thanks MArcia for sharing some of your dreams with us. I enjoyed this immensely and have no suggestions for revision. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-28 15:46:52
The Bucket	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, This is quaint and the rustic images it provides the reader are heavenly. The unique description of the bucket in the first stanza makes it's appearance vivid in my mind. The phase "even the rising of the ressurected sun" is spendid. You artfully weave assonance through out the piece, (bit/glint, gleam/seams...) giving us a subtle musical effect. Stanza two's description of the post being "an unwitting teller of time" is a delight for this reader. The post like a sundial showing us a shadow is such a rewarding idea to plant in our minds. The depiction of the animals nudging (noses nudging-nice allit)the bucket with their noses gives such personality to them and the poem and brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of my dog and the way he nudges the door knob when he wants to eat(his bowl is kept outside). May I suggest leaving the word 'horses' out, since my dictionary tells me that the word 'roan' is a horse having a brownish coat thickly sprinkled with white or gray? It seems slightly repetitive there, but not a big deal. I enjoy the way you use the roan's ears to signal their emotions, first they lop and twitch to let us know they are growing inpatient waiting for their meal. Next they project forward as they listen intently, and finally they get serious(ears back) as it's time to dig in. I don't know horses(never been around them), but that would be an endearing quality to me. The bucket is endowed with such personality through out the piece. The handle seemingly frail now and it's sound being different depending on whether it's filled or empty. The conssonance of "whispering swish" and "overburdened bail" lend more music to our ears, as does the rhyme of debts/forgets in s-6. You leave us with the most rewarding image in our minds as you carry the theme of this poem all the way through to the end, and this is so beautiful and my favorite part: has become a thing of "beauty as it proudly cradles a crescent moon, and reflects a bucketful of stars from The Milky Way." Thanks for such an enjoyable read! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-26 10:18:02
An Unreal Day	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	Dear Medard, I can appreciate the irony of what you are saying here. Sometimes we wish our dream lives were our real lives. When we dream our inhibitions are gone and we are able to explore many thoughts and emotions that we can not even face when we are awake. We have safety and secuirity of knowing we will survive our dreams, but the the world has become a place of unrest and conflict. Not a dream we can wake from, but a place where it is difficult to comprehend the magnitude of the repercusions of the actions of those around us let alone of our own actions. This can sometimes cause us to want to simply shut down in order to block the feelings of despair in acknowleging the realities of the world, to hide our heads in the sand. But the same issues will still be there when we wake. Your four stanzas of organized quatrains lends itself well to the subject matter and the change from the B/D rhyme scheme of the first three stanzas to the A/B, C/D scheme is different, but telling, in that the fourth stanza is the meat of the poem, where you tell us your REAL feelings. The repitition of the phrase unreal day thoughout this piece brings us back to the point you are making. I thoroughly enjoyed and related to this poem and I look forward to reading more of your work. I noticed that you are not new to the site, but rather have been absent awhile. So welcome back and I hope you will continue submitting here, as we would like to see more poets submitting such quality work here at TPL. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-25 10:15:43
I Wanted To	Sandra J Kelley	Dear Sandra, This romantic, intimate piece draws the reader in immendiately at the title, "I wanted to". There is a touch of mystery in the lines to kind of help us read between the lines a bit. The feel of it is so real that it even has texture! The cooler satin sheets, tires on pavement, stuble, just to begin with. You don't just say, I miss you, you tell all the ways. The allit of satin/sheets/surrounding adds a whispery feel. One thing that I find I stumble over is the "the slight stuble from shaving", you might consider changing to "unshaven chin stuble", or just "slight stuble" works. The description of s-2 is youthfull and full of vim and vigor. Again there is texture in your words: "tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats." The repitition of the title at the end of stanza two words well. s-3 continues the texture with "warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic beathing,". That is so lovely, it makes me want to read it over and over. The repition again in s-4 is nice and the ending is superb and again mysterious. I love all the feel of this poem! Well done! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-24 13:58:15
Israel	Marcia McCaslin	Dear Marcia, This is a really lovely free verse piece about God's chosen people. I enjoyed reading this immensely. One of the coolest things here is that you incorporate geometry into this piece so effortlessly. How cool is that!! The s-3 question and reasons for asking are wonderful. Of course only God could answer that and there-in is a beautiful story in itself. Even more brilliant are the questions in the 7th stanza. And the last part just blows me away! The form and punctuation is perfect for this message and I have no suggestions for improvement. Thank you for writing and sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-24 13:11:41
japanese verse 42 (Pollination)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, This is lovely, especially this time of year and so sweet of you to dedicate it to Claire, who is truly a generous soul. These Romeo's are so dutiful in their cause, showing us they are not just in love with the Juliet's, but more so in love with the plan of spreading the love to everyone so as to further get the mesage of love out to everyone. And these Juliets are ever transforming into beautiful creatures for the pure pleasure of shining the Glory of that plan for everyone to see. And because of both of them, the love is in the air we breath and the sweet aroma fills us. And what a delicious aroma it is! Thanks for sharing the love Romeo! Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-22 10:38:41
Spring is Born	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, I wrote a long critique of this lovely poem of yours last night and then lost it as I was getting ready to post it. Frustrating experience, but I can't go without commenting on something that inspired such pleasure in my heart, so here goes again. Your opening line is fresh and the entire poem is so alive it seems to even have it's own heartbeat. This first line begins with the music of winter warbling (nice allit) an ode to Spring. You had me right there, riveted. You speak of more music with even the grass singing. The other words that provide such harmony in sound: twilight/shines, spring/singing. The visuals of trees being naked and the earth shivering impact the reader in a physical way and the image of virgin air breathing life into them is quite a rewarding thought. The personification of all of creation is intrguing and you carry it well throughout this piece. The "belching spasms of wind and the yammering of winter birds" again personify and took me by surprise, when I read this I laughed outloud to think of such an idea. There is a symphony in this piece! In s-3 you offer us color with our visuals that is lovely with the red robins rejoicing(nice allit). May I suggest adding a bit more color by exchangng "bonnie" for "orange"? "warmth disolves carpets of white" is lovely and again striking imagry and the "pita-pat" Rhythmic music of the rain adds more wonderful sound making even the leaves join in the symphony. This poem is a celebration of the new birth of nature in sight and sound and touch. Thanks for sharing such an accomplishment with us. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-20 10:50:04
Spring Quartet	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, The perfect title to the perfect spring poem-"Spring Quartet" And what a lovely quartet this is! Great for reading aloud. Don't you just love Spring? The imagry of the mallards swing-walking back and forth scouting for feasts of corn is vivid. I can see the sun reflecting off their shining heads.The cracked/corn allit is superb. But what really sets this stanza off is the phrase "lily-washed air", telling the reader that a slow gentle Spring rain has given the breeze that spring-fresh aroma that is synonymous with the season. At least that's the way I interpreted it and it just makes me want to sing a joyous song. Aren't seagulls the most intriguing creatures? I love watching them. They are so conniving! perch on piles-yes, thats what they do! Your descriptors here are so great, causing the gulls to come alive in my mind. Love the ruffle white cloaks and the orange knees-vivid color! knees/knobs gives great alliteration here as well. Oh but that phrase-"knobs of surprise leading to expectant feet", that is just gravy for this reader. That has got to be the most unique description I've ever read! And then the frogs. They aren't just croaking, they're roaring the pond. This calls up one of my favorite sounds to mind. To be lulled by the roaring lullaby is the sweetest way to fall asleep ever. They sing wetly with the whole night before them. This is one of the sure fire ways to know it's definately Spring, when you can hear them at night. I just love it. The fourth to the quartet is of course you listening to their resounding chorus as you drift off in blissful paradise and the last part is so exquisitely put, " I float in their black water, while the white (black/white contrast is great)moon wanders looking for her mate." Only you Joanne, can take these simple things of nature and turn them into a poem that celebrates the season of newness in such superb fashion. Thanks for sharing this tribute to Spring. I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy Spring. Blessings, Jennifer	2004-03-19 22:57:48
At The Mammae of Modernity	Thomas Edward Wright	Hey TEW, What a great title-"At The Mammae of Modernity". The reader is curiously drawn (I mean drawn by curiousity)into this piece and doesn't have to read far to gain understanding. But at the same time I was unable to stop reading because frankly You tickle me with your TEWisms. I especially enjoy the Dr Suessence of: "I would sing (La!) for forty weeks. Loud, in the shower, from a tower, In a crowded house, even with a mouse." Your ending brought me to tears practically. Never leave again, ok? appreciatively, jj	2004-03-19 15:49:08
APPROACHING FULL CIRCLE (a self portrait)	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, This is great! The play on words you use with your title "APPROACHING FULL CIRCLE" and the first line of the poem "My childhood has caught up with me." collide in a moment of truth that I can identify with myself. :) There are actually layers of meaning here and it is fun to read this more then once to try and catch what all you are imparting. The fact is, we have to remain true to ourselves, because in the end all our vitories and failures come down to that one thing. Everything thing else leaves and your stuck with yourself. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing. lol jk. But seriously, you make a good point. This is a very intruging introspective piece, and I think others will identify with what's been said. Thanks for sharing this side of yourself. Can't wait to see if you do another self-portrait. Maybe a rhymed one or funny one, who knows? I am already thinking about it myself. Blessings, JEnnifer	2004-03-19 11:28:27
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