Irene E Fraley's E-Mail Address: battlejo@warwick.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Irene E Fraley	Critique Date
The Splendor of Fire	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Hi Jordan, Fire is such a wonderful metaphore and symbol, and can be used in many wonderful ways in poetry. here you have presented us with the fire in the stove, which nourishes us. Then you present the fire of the furnace, which warms us physically, and the fire of the kiln which nourishes creativity. Finally, you give us the fire of the heart, of love. Line two in the 4th stanza needs a little bit of "tweaking". I have an image of the loved one being held in your memory or mind for you to look at mentally. "Lighting the place I dwell you" - Did you mean the place you hold her in memory? "There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes." I'm ashamed to say I don't know what "effulgent eyes" means. I looked it up in my dictionary, but couldn't find it. I got the sense of "weeping", but that's a guess. Maybe if you said it a little simpler it would work a bit better? Also, how did you intend to use "pipe"? I didn't know if it was a musical pipe, a copper pipe, or a typo for "peep". In line 9 there is a typo which is easily fixed. Now, all that said, I think this poem is lovely. It reads well out loud, most of the imagery is clear, and the emotions you are feeling come through very clearly. The flow is excellent. I would be so honored if my husband had written something like this for me, and very grateful. She is a lucky lady. Rene	2004-03-16 20:26:45
Memories of Bertha	Sherri L. West	Hi Sherri, Welcome. And indeed, well come! I liked this poem. The imagery was clear and easy to picture. As I read the poem, it moved forward well and I didn't get "brought to a halt" as I read, trying to figure something out. I don't know if this is "poetry" or a prose poem, and i don't care. It's lovely to read. The repetition in the poem seems to set the mood for me, as it establishes the relationship itself as being "special". keep on writing, Sherri. I like the flow of your words. Rene	2004-03-15 19:17:36
a glimpse, a view	Erin E Roland	Interesting poem Erin, Is this a love poem, telling of two people facing life together, a poem of recovery, working with a therapist, a poem of friendship or a poem about writing poetry? I can read this in all four of these ways, and this is why I find it so interesting. The poem flows well, has good imagery and brings us, the readers, right inside the poem with the poet. The use of the image of "Breath" is used very well. There are two lines that I found a little confusing, "such life the breath that brings the colors vivid to my eyes" I didn't know how to connect these lines with what proceeded and suceeded them. The meaning is there, it just didn't seem to associate for me. I am really looking forward to hearing from you how I should be reading this poem. I liked it. Rene Fraley	2004-02-24 07:47:04
Truth	Rachel F. Spinoza	Hi Rachel, I don't think I've ever read a sonnet of yours before. This has your voice for sure. The English sonnet form is mostly met. The poem flows well until the 10th line, where the change of meter caused me to stumble in the reading. I think the problem lies in the word "elaborate" which can sound as two syllables or three, depending on how the word is pronounced. A little editing should fix this. I worked on this today at work and might suggest, "in convoluted lies, find hidden berth/birth" which might rhyme with "earth" a bit better than "warmth". the only other thing I could think of was, "to find in fancy lies a sort of warmth". I don't mean to be rude or want you to think I'm trying to re-write your poem. I'm not, but it's so interesting I just wanted to help with the meter to help the flow. Would you be willing to give me the "background" for this poem, as I'm unacquainted with the work Mel Gibson did to inspire this poem. Lastly, I absolutely love line six! What a marvelous emotion provoking image that is! Take care and I appologise if I've taken liberties with your work. Rene	2004-02-19 19:52:32
Closer to Far Away (edit)	Joanne M Uppendahl	This is different for you, Joanne and very interesting to see. The first thing that struck me was the intense use of space in the poem. Even the white space works towards supporting the wonder you are showing. (Scientifically, of course.) The second thing I noticed was the use of the capital letter in "Someone" which for me drew in another whole dimension of understanding and meaning to the piece. "Now photographed: a spot ( . ) in limitless sea in a room missing ceiling or walls moving in endless expanse, flowing in bankless streams." This is a magical stanza. The image of the universe as a room without ceiling or walls is breath-stealing, and then you follow it with another set of contrasting (perhaps conflicting) images which also works to give us the feeling of endless hugeness and flow. This is the sort of thing that I was trying to do in "Beethovan" and "Bach", as it seems to be the only way to put absolute endlessness into focus. Francis Thompson would have been cheering. I have to tell you that most of my screen-saver on my computer is made up of Hubble images, so I know the wonder of it. The poem is good. Rene	2004-02-17 20:39:15
untitled	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, My immediate reaction was that this could be titled "Human". We all are a mix, aren't we? How can I possibly appreciate the absense of pain if I have never felt pain? "Balance" might also work. That is what I thought you were working towards as I read the poem. I like the simple listing, as it makes us think as a reader, and also gives us a bit of mystery as we wonder what's the destination. Maybe I'll try a list poem as part of my ten required, but I doubt it will be as good as this. Thanks for the inspiration! Rene	2004-02-16 11:34:58
HeartCircles	Rebecca Lee	Hi Rebecca, I admire the imagery and flow of this poem. It works well to carry your messege. The metephors really work well, creating the emotional response that (I think) you want. There is a gentle beauty here that doesn't deny the existance of pain, but rather incorporates it as a part of life with a value of its own. The only thing I would suggest for this poem would be that you become consistant with the punctuation. I'm referring to either having it, or not having it, as the mix caused me as a reader to stop reading and go back to re-read. It just interrupts the flow of the reader's attention. Also there is a typo in line 6, where "its" is written as "it's". The title is excellent, making the reader pay attention. Thanks for sharing this poem. It shows a lot of growth in you as a person and a poet. Rene	2004-02-16 11:27:09
Senyru 132	Michael J. Cluff	This had a kick! Hi Michael! Interesting poem. The syllable count seems OK if you blur the "s" into the "c" of corpse. The image you present is very strong, certainly emotional. The guy got what he deserved, I guess or do I read it the desert was the place where he was born? Anyhoo, I like it for the impact of the imager used. Write on! Rene	2004-02-13 15:03:52
Every Poem An Autograph	Mell W. Morris	Lovely poem. This is one of those teaching poems that informs and educates us about ourselves and the poet. The past is reflected in our present as surely as we would not be who we are without it. I like the "voice" of this poem which speaks to us simply about one thing most basic to our poetry. The working out of old lessons on a new canvas. I like the positive ending stanza, as it sees to me there is a hidden chord of gratitude being sounded. (I could be projecting though!) I see no reason to change this poem. It reads well, really says something important and sounds a hidden song to boot! Thanks Mell, Rene	2004-02-08 19:36:23
Dreams Will Come	Michael Bird	Hi Michael, I wondered if this was a song as I read. The repetition of the lines, "Just lay your pretty head right down Let your hair fall all around" sounded like a refrain to me. There is a fairly complicated rhyme scheme in this poem and it must have been a challenge to meet the form. The image you present of a child being soothed and being given a "lullabye" poem is really nice and easy for the reader to picture. The mix of couplets with alternate lines rhying is interesting. I did stumble in the reading out loud in the first and fourth stanza, as the rhhythm seemed to change. I enjoyed this poem, particularly as it reminded me of my children when they were little. Rene Fraley	2004-02-06 14:54:38
Sam	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, Again a poem I really like! The description of Sam is well done. The personality of the cat comes through clearly in the poem. One this I particularly like about this poem is that it tells us something very nice about the poet himself. This is a softer, more human side of your writing, and the ease with which Sam is presented to us shows good usage of language. "but it's not of her I would now speak It's Sam, with a name as plain as a sailor or tailor, or drunk on the street it's Sam, Sammers, and Sammy to some Sam on her back looking cute Sam on your chest Sam under covers will come" The lilting rhythm of this stanza made it my favorite. The variations on Sam's name sets a loving tone to the lines. We also had a Sam, (only she was Samantha) who was alternately called Sammy, Sam and Sammers, so I know the tone of voice and heart those sounds incorporate. I also detected a sort of "Seuss" feel to this poem. Was it purposefull? This is a poem that will appeal to a wide variety of readers, and I really enjoyed reading it. Rene	2004-02-04 17:14:42
Delay	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, Today indeed! I liked this short, rhymed, metered poem. It seems as if progress has brought us all - "Hurry up and Wait" - I like the simplicity of this commentary, particularly the "calming" line 3, which is so typical of the petty government agencies of today. I always get nervouse when someone says, "everything is fine". If it's fine, why would you feel the need to tell people? Thanks for this poem. It was a fun read, Rene	2004-02-04 17:00:58
Sweet Irony	Robin Ann Crandell	Hello Robin, I am so sorry that your love was unrequited. That is so sad! I will address the poem itself first: The poem is neither rhymed nor metered. It has good flow, moving well from beginning to end, with no appreciable halts. The first person voice works well here, the emotions come through powerfully, and yet are not overrwhelming. The reader is able to identify with the poet at once. I particularly liked "the sweet mist of your breath", which I though was a striking image. On a personal note, I hope that writing this down has helped you. I find that the only way to let go of something is to write it to death, and I'm glad to see you have the start of a sad acceptance. I won't offer you a "band-aid", as only you can pace your healing, but know that you are not alone. Take care and please keep on writing. It's obvious that you have skill... Rene	2004-01-30 15:29:25
Shadow of Still	DeniMari Z.	Hello DeniMarie, Your name is new to me, so welcome here. I love this type of Self talk! This rhymed poem, written in couplets, seems to be about letting go of and accepting the past, not living in the future, and moving on with your life. This could be about a relationship or a loss of a loved one, or simply a change in your life. I like the way we are able to guess at the situation. The imagery, such as "the shadow of still" is really interesting and as I read it I thought of the struggles I have had to let certain things go through therapy, and how they seem to be gane and then sneak up behind me to bite me when I'm not looking! It takes time. I hope that I run into more of your work. I like the honesty of your voice. Rene Fraley	2004-01-30 09:25:39
Tentacles	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, What I like most about this poem is the sound of it as it moves forward. It has a timber of "yearning", if that is possible, and the feel of gentle revery. These stanza's in particular seem to have managed this effect. "many fingers, many minds reaching forth reaching back teaching the language found in symbols and signs many lingers, many lines leading forth leading back soothing then removing the sage bound in gimbals and vines" The language makes us stretch as readers, the repetition not only ties the poem together, but also provides a rhythem that is soothing and, like a lazy turning river, moves the poem forward gently. Along with this comment I have to say that I think the structure makes good use of space. The rhymes, internal and at the line's end, also serve to tie the poem together. Really good stuff. I don't know how you managed to do this at work where there are, I'm sure, many distractions. There really is something special about a community of writers that are bent on nothing but helping each other to write their individual truths. Thanks for sharing this, Regis! Rene	2004-01-30 09:14:18
In Tribute	Ronda Michelle Nelson	Hi Rhonda, Wow! An epic poem, and one that tells an interesing story to boot! I enjoyed this unmetered, rhymed poem. The story of the "CSS Hunley" is a good one with adventure, action, good imagery and romance. I was impressed at the many difficult rhymes you found, which I thought showed a very creative mind indeed. There is one set of lines that I particularly liked for its imager, "But the ocean wasn't to give them back, those that disturbed her rest her lantern faded slowly into the mist, inhaled by the ocean's breath." Good writing, especially, "inhaled by the ocean's breath." Thanks for sharing this poem with us Ronda, Rene Fraley	2004-01-27 19:55:13
Tornado	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, What caught my interest in this poem was the really good imagery. The typhoon is described in terms of actions and consequences and is easily pictured in the mind. The "Typhoon" acrostic is well done and seems natural to me. I had to look for it to check. Is there another fixed form happening here? I asked because I wondered why you used "o're" instead of "over" which sounds less contrived. I thought perhaps you were meeting a strict syllable count. I like the way the words imitate the typhoon in the way they seem to whoosh through in "winds whirl" and the words "distruction" and "devestating" have such a percussive, hard sound. I like this... Rene	2004-01-26 08:44:18
Farther Father	Regis L Chapman	The pain, defiance (which is growth to me)and honesty of this poem really struck me. Now this IS a confessional poem! I thought of childhood abuse, (emotional and physical), abandonment, therapy perhaps, and growth as I read. There is both a feeling of deep pain directly felt, and also a sense of detatchment. I don't know how you did that, except perhaps lines 4,8 and 19 put that separation in. The imagery is immediate and strong. At any rate, the poem works very well, at least for me. They say you can't see something in someone else unless it is in you, (and trust me, I've been there-done that)so maybe I'm only seeing my history. That doesn't effect the poem's quality. One thing I'll say from my point of view: If I hadn't had those experiences I doubt I would have become a writer at all, so in a funny way, I'm grateful for them. I choose to focus on the gift while acknowleging the anger at the terror, loss, abandonment that nourished it. Thanks for sharing part of yourself with us, Rene	2004-01-25 11:24:03
I Sit Here	Robin Ann Crandell	Hi Robin, I very much liked this poem. What struck me first was the way in which you used repetition to move the poem forward, and yet keep it tied together. The imagery is good, I cam picture the stages of growth that you are presenting to us. Congratulations on integrating all the stages of your growth so well. The movement, whether it takes place in one day's meditation, or years of living and experience, shows the path most of us take towards understanding ourselves and our relationship with ourselves, perhaps with our Creator, and the world in which we live. The use of language is simple and works for the poem, as one focuses on the movement of the poem, and not its words. Good writing. Irene Fraley	2004-01-25 11:00:16
Prime	Regis L Chapman	Hi Regis, I'm not that good at this type of poem as I tend to be quite concrete, but I'll try. To me, this poem speaks of growth from a state of fear and being splintered in chaos into a state of freedom with the three colors as symbolic of many things. I thought first of the Trinity, God the creator, God in human form, and God the spirit. I thought Mind, Body, Spirit. The past was of fear and pain and sorrow. The present is a time of change into a positive, hopeful viewpoint. Seeds into bloom, moon into sun, cold and lifeless and pale into warmth, growth and a future oneness. I see the three as the three basic personality parts, the tree as something strong and steady that will grow into one unified person. I did wonder if the final growth spoken of was a comming reunion with the Creator either in death as the soul returns to its source, or as the mind rejoins the universal over-mind. The treee seems to be "the whole" integrated person in the chorus. Strong and solid. There are what could be religious refferences her. For example Blue is the traditional color for Mary and purity in the Christian church. I likke the way this poem reads, although R/E/D stopped me cold and I found it interupted the flow of the poem. The imagery is interesting, the opposites presented in color images worked. I am wondering how this sounds as a song. One thing: today is sun, yesterday- moon Today is seed, tomorrow- bloom adding colors numbered three red, green, blue R G B As this is read aloud it takes on an almost sing-song sound. Was this what the rhythm of the song demanded? The rhyme in the poem, and its scheme is facinating. I'll have to save this so I can study it. I like it, and am hoping that some of my guesses were in the ball-park! Thanks for the poem! Rene	2004-01-23 19:21:31
I Must Go Down To The Sea Again	Mell W. Morris	How lovely this is! The first thing that struck me was the really mature use of language. The imagery is clear, vivid and the poem reads well aloud. The emotonal honesty of the poem is beautiful and as a love poem, this is striking. I like the restraint in the poem, and the way that imagery is used to create the emotional tone. I particularly like the clever image of the sword which "be-sirs" at a touch. Great use of language! Thanks for sharing this with us, Rene	2004-01-21 21:15:12
Puppet Theory	DeniMari Z.	This is an interesting poem. The emotions are presented clearly, imagery is good. The poem is neither metered or rhymed. The metaphores are clear. I did have some trouble reading the poem aloud, perhaps because I look for a musical voice simply as a personal choice. I would suggest that the word "to" in the first stanza be dropped down to the nest line, as it is a weak end-word and "puppets" is a strong word. for example: "Ions ago - the medicine in The puppets laughter warmed The ice blown over it’s soul Seemingly content till the Next puppet role" might be written as, "Ions ago - the medicine in the puppet's laughter warmed the ice blown over its soul, seemingly content till the next puppet role." I have to appologise for changing the caps and punctuation, it's a quirk of mine to avoid caps. That's how I would do it; you certainly don't have to! Your name is new to me, and it's always such a blessing to meet another poet and welcome them to the link. (I suspect that many other's have done so already.) You certainly have a gift for writing, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Rene Fraley	2004-01-08 20:21:36
The Murder of Emily Dickenson	C Arrownut	Hi! I wish I knew more about Emily Dickensen, as I suspect that a knowlege of her life is central to the understanding of this poem. Unfortunately I know little of her, either writings (I remember something about a moor) or her life. I like the sound of this poem as read aloud. It flows well, although I was caught and stopped by the transition from happy daffodil days into suicide and death. Does this refer to the current poet or to Emily? Understanding the value of writing to therapy and healing, and knowing that Dickenson wrote very clearly, simply and said much in a small amout of lines, I can see that you were very much impacted by Emily's writings. Was she in treatment (therapy) also? Was she suicidal? Was she mentally ill? I'm sorry I understood so little of this poem. I want to know more about Dickenson now as ten years in therapy has given me a great deal of respect for those who dare to return to the past to face old wounds and lay them to rest. If it means anything, the use of language in this poem and the intimate mood that is established by the way you use the letter format has greatly impressed this reader. One thing, would a comma after "gown" be appropriate? Thanks for the poem,	2004-01-04 14:18:42
No Use Trying to Forget	madge B zaiko	Hi Madge, This is a very powerful poem and it spoke to me clearly. The pain you are in (or were in) is so raw in this poem. The use of repetition really works to not only hold this poem together, but also to give more punch to the emotional tone. I have no suggestions for change. The form you are using works, the poem flows well and circles back with the repetition. Good writing. Rene	2004-01-02 18:40:56
Mastering My Illusions	Michele Rae Mann	I have to approach this poem from my own history. After several readings I find the poem very interesting indeed. The use of space seems to mirror the emotional conditions being described. The lines begin in a rush, and are lengthy, and then, like a person coming out of a nightmare with a rapidly beating heart that slows with coming to full consciousness, the lines shorten until the beat is one word, steady and regular. In those moments as our unconscious shouts to us without the veil of organized thoughts and creativity is at its height, we conceive the poetry living in our mind's subconscious. Fully awake, the poem retreats from the conscious mind into the casm of the subconscious again. I think the job of using the form to create the art has really worked here. The lines of the poem lengthen at the end signaling (I think) a return to a normal conscious state. There is a second way of reading this poem, one of the experience of a dissociate, a manic-depressive or severely depressed person being returned to a normal state by medication, which (to my mind absolutely horrifying) unfortunately flattens the emotional responses and with that flattening, kills creativity. I really respect this poem for its versitility. I hope you will tell me what it means to you, as it certainly is interesting! Thanks for the memories... Rene	2004-01-01 11:34:45
Country Pumpkin	Claire H. Currier	Hi Claire, I found this poem really enjoyable. My husband used to hunt, but thank goodness, kept it to deer in the woods in season. I wandereed back in time with this one as I remembered one morning at home when our cat chased our dog which was chasing a squirel around my bedroom while I cowered under the covers with the pillow over my head. If you could have seen the huge gouges that squirl out of the wood around the windows in my room, you would understand why your poem gave me the shudders as I first read it. The poem itself moved well as I read it. I did have to re-read the part about the tub and shooting, as I couldn't quite picture it. I particularly liked the fact that you put in the current day solution and Mr. rabbit's escape. Thanks for an entertaining read and a revisit to the past... Happy new Year! Rene	2003-12-28 11:51:47
japanese verse 35 (Manger)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Oh Thank You Erzahl! This is beautiful and just what it should be. Don't change an atom of it! It isn't often here that a poem brings tears of gratitude to my eyes, but your haiku managed to do it. The simplicity of your verse says so much in such a little space, but then again, your subject holds so much in such a little body. I think He would be pleased with this offering, Blessed Christmas to you. Irene Fraley	2003-12-27 19:36:48
POP	Robert L Tremblay	Hi Robert, There is so much here packed into so little that I am amazed. I doubt that many will have a clue as to what it's about without the notes, and I'm sure that many will turn it off as soon as they read the first few lines, but for those of us that stick it out and really study it it is an amazing piece. I'm going to print this out and work on understanding it. Poetry like this always intrigues me, and I can see where someone would associate this with the 17th century poets with their "universal sensibilities." Thank you for poesting this. I couldn't write like this with my life at stake, but anything that brings to mind "The Tale of the Rood" as an unconscious association should be more closely studied. Have a wonderful Christ's Mass, Rene	2003-12-25 12:07:13
ANGEL	housam majid jarrar	Hello Housam, How nice for me to see a new name here. New to me, anyway. Welcome! As a poem this reads well. I thought the use of space was done well. There are some inconsistancies in the capitalization of words in the third stanza, as "I" is sometimes written in the small case letter. am assuming these are typos. I don't know if this is a help, but someone I once told me one should always try to end every line in a poem with a strong word. One word at end line in this poem struck me as being a little weak. The word "for" does not help the poem at line's end. A simple change in line break would most likely make the poem stronger. Try it, it might work. The poem speaks to a universal question addressed by all human beings. Who am I and why am I here? One needs to answer the first, and the seond pretty much answers itself. My own view is that why I'm here is not my business. I have to assume there is a reason for existance and simply do my best to treat others and myself as well as I can each day. Who knows? Maybe the reason I am here is to answer your question, and if that is it I am content. I keep hoping that part of my being here is to write a great poem. We all have our dreams... Thank you for posting this. No doubt you can write, and I hope to read more of your work! Rene Fraley	2003-12-25 11:48:50
Tinkerbell was a Bitch	madge B zaiko	I like this! I particularly like the intensity of realism in the language. This poem is alive and very clean limned. I think it is very hard to write a good poem using dialogue. Using it well is even harder. The first person works in this poem because it is freshly honest in its voice. The use of repetition reminded me of some of the old songs of the 30's. It tends to hold the poem together and gives it a lyrical sound. Thanks for submitting this one. It was for me a very good lesson in remembering how something different can be done in poetry and really work. Take care, Rene Fraley	2003-12-23 19:54:02
Me and I changed to You	Michele Rae Mann	Hello Michelle, I didn't quite know how to read this poem. It does read well aloud, but the who of the you, I and me is confusing. This reminds me of the inner conversations of someone with a dissociative disorder. Learning the who of who we are is always a powerful action. If this is about a relationship, lover to lover lost, it is also a strong poem. I like poetry that makes me stretch when I read it. I hope I read more of your work. One thing that did occur to me as I was reading was that the partial punctuation was confusing to me. (I tend to be an all or nothing gal.) Have a wonderful holiday season! Rene	2003-12-23 19:45:35
Poetry (in the Tradition of Science)	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Great imagery Jordan! The flow of this poem is very smooth to the mind and mostly so to the tongue. I enjoyed the way that science and emotions seemed to flow as one. The third stanza gives the reader a sense of being let in on a wonderful secret by a personal friend. This stanza also tells us much about the poet. The last 2 stanzas are wonderful. I really enjoyed this poem. Thank you for this gift! Rene Fraley	2003-12-20 19:05:33
Goblet	C Arrownut	I identified with this poem. I thought of the crowds of shoppers and that feeling of loss that can come with the realization that somehow Christmas has turned into a holiday that has left the Christ out, as well as the mass. The loss of the spirit of loved to the spirit of averice. It becomes more important to celebrate the purchase of the perfectly popular toy than the birth of one human said to be born perfect. I particularly liked the play on the word "maul" which is a terrifying instrument, and act of slashing and sounds like the "mall" of the shopping sort. It's that time of year again, and lest we forget, there in the mall, also resides a multitude of folks that are just happy at the thought of giving to another. Thanks for the poem. It does read very well and has excellent focus and flow. Rene Fraley	2003-12-20 18:57:48
As to the Site of the Preservation of Memories	Thomas Edward Wright	What a beautifully crafted poem, and how true to reality. This poem reads well, is emotionally touching without being overwhelming. What impressed me was the restraint in the poem which seemed to intensify the feeling of loss and grief. The poem is easy to follow for the most part, although I did have to re-read the part about the stone and also re-read some of the early stanza's: the bats, for instance. The thing is, none of that detrcted from the power of the poem. The mind is often like a tennisball bouncing off a backboard in the way in which it flees into other associations when the thoughts of the pain get too burningly hard. My thought was that this poem is like a fine wine, in that it has to be savored slowly, examined and tasted slowly in order to appreciate the skill with which it is constructed. On a more personal note, there is (to me) no loss greater than the loss of a parent, and I identified with this poem more than was comfortable to do. The title of the poem is perfect in terms of language and emotion, and ties the poem together very well. This is the kind of poem I love to read as it is both life and art. Rene Fraley	2003-12-16 21:30:20
Caroling	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, I really enjoyed this poem, as it brought back good memories. I think it's particularly clever how you used the titles of the carols as an integral part of the poem. I particularly liked, "girl scouts talking, parrot squawking dolls in chairs, on the sofa, and the stairs" which had the kind of detail that made the home memorable to me, and gave the poem a reality that worked. The poem has good flow, and the imagery is bright and easy to picture. I thought the last image, the "wispy air of yesteryear" is particularly good. Thanks for sharing your memories with us, Rene	2003-12-16 21:04:41
Boxes	Michele Rae Mann	What a lovely conceit! I love the thought of the dreams waiting in a limbo of the future to be developed, brought to life. The poem moves well, has good flow forward and the use of language is mature. The wonder of who or what we will become in the future is one that haunts us all, I believe. Good writing, good poem. No suggestions as it works as it is. Rene Fraley	2003-12-15 19:03:41
japanese verse 34 (Stargazer)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzhl, Repetition of the word star is the most obvious in this poem. I counted 9 in the poem's body, 1 in the title. I tried to get the tenth in the poem's body, but couldn't find it. When one reads this there is a plethora of stars which makes reading aloud sound very harsh as the "st" sound is something of a punching sound. (Percussive?) I tend to be very concrete in my thinking, so the imagery didn't work for me, but the idea of writing this poem in this way really impressed me. You are stretching your abilities more and more, and that is a good thing. Also, this poem had me thinking, really thinking! I counted on the diagonal, backwards, up vertically, looking every which way for the tenth star. Then it occured to me that Christ could be the tenth star. Thank you for agitating my brain cells. (They need all the help they can get these days.) I really enjoyed reading and working at this poem. Rene Fraley	2003-12-14 12:59:44
Snow ( A Rondolet )	Drenda D. Cooper	Hi Drenda, You certainly did a good job! I like the poem very much. It meets the form of a rondelet, and flows well, leaving the reader unaware it is meeting a form. The imagery is excellent, and it's hard to believe you are not normally conversant with snow. I liked the metaphore of "white feathers" as snow, and the only question I had was if feathers and/or snow "flows". It just caught my attention. I particularly liked the image of the snowflakes whirling about as the wind wailed. I think for a first try, this is at a college level:) Keep on writing them, you're good at it! Rene	2003-12-10 18:08:30
What you gave up and Desire (two poems)	Kimberly A Butterworth	Hi Kimberly, What strikes me the most in these poems is the way in which the meter works to give power to the meaning. Both these poems ask very basic questions, and the rhyme in the poems seems to give them extra punch also. I rarely question meaning in a poem, but the last two lines in "No Desire" seem to be contradicting the rest of the poem. Perhaps I'm reading it incorectly. Both poems seem to have good flow, and sound well when read aloud. I did wonder why the lines, "Happiness. lasts. Desire. does not." were punctuated the way they were. It did work to make one stop and re-read and think. An enjoyable read, Rene Fraley	2003-11-24 16:08:55
The Wall	Sergio M chavez	This is an interesting poem. One sees the inner workings of a mind deciding if life will be bearable if one lets go of his/her ability to dissociate into a safe place. I did wonder (after reading the notes) if there was another method of Self protection or numbing going on. Speaking as one who has been there, I can only offer this: Believe in yourSelf. You can cope with life. Listen to your poet's voice and write, write, write! This is a much easier poem to follow than any of yours I have previously read. Wonderful growth is shown here. The imagery used gives much more power to your meaning. Keep on writing! Rene	2003-11-23 12:20:14
Winter Night (revised)	Debbie L Fischer	Lovely poem Debbie, The gentle simplicity of this poem really works to set both mood and image easily in the reader's mind. The poem flows beautifully from start to finish as read aloud. The use of space is very good. As I looked at the poem I thought of the corner of a window curtain, parting to give us a glimpse into the poet's life and/or thoughts. The coming down to the one word also works to re-enforce the love you showed us. The contrast of the storm outside the house, and the warmth inside works well to give a gentle glow to the imagery also. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Rene	2003-11-21 20:25:41
Tsa-ga-gla-tal	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Joanne, You've done it again! If there is any doubt that less is more, this should put a cork to it! The simplicity of this poem, the beauty of description all work together not just to pain a scene, but also to set a mood and maybe say something about the necessity of the full cycle of life in this world of ours. In the first stanza the moon almost becomes personalized as she watches the world. This provides a tie in with the end of the poem and the title, as the racoon mirrors the moon, thus tying the poem together. The flow of the poem is smooth, and I was facinated at the description of the racoon. The contrast of the massive body on nimble feet, dancing again (for me) echoed the moon, which is massive nd yet silky in her movements. I particularly liked the way in which you ended the poem, which lets the reader know there is more to come. The raccoon is asleep only and there will be another spring. I see so much in this poem that speaks of the wonderful way in which you work to put your personal life into the world about as you deal with nature in all her aspects. The echo (again to me) of your loss and reluctant acceptance comes through to me. I love the simplicity of your writing, which holds so much more than is apparent. Loving thoughts go out to you, Rene	2003-11-21 20:15:51
Border Clash	Thomas Edward Wright	Hello Thomas, This is very well written. As a reader I was impressed with the imagery, the smooth flow of the language, the movement across the country impells the flow of the poem. The imagery is vivid, clear and origional. I have to confess that I'm not too sure who is going exactly where, or why, but I honestly don't care. The sound of the poem as read aloud is almost hypnotic. I really don't see any reason to change this at all. Rene Fraley	2003-11-19 19:13:21
Be Silent	Debbie Spicer	I like the simplicity of this poem. It says clearly what it wants to and does not have the feel of "preachiness" that can be so deadly to some poems. The repetition of "Be silent" works to tie the poem together and to give it a certain power and strength. The sense of hope that comes at the end of the poem is a climax following the first two stanza's which say, "Listen, Learn, Let go." The final stanza offers hope for peace at last. The language is mature and the writing (and perspective)also. The end rhymes are consistant. The poem reads well aloud and has good flow. I see no reason to change this. Rene Fraley	2003-11-17 19:34:01
A Fragment	Sandra J Kelley	This is somewhat abstract to me, but it reads well, has a tone of shadows and fear. I thought of the disoriented, dislocated multi-imaged thinking of a schizophrenic. This could be the way he sees himself as he writes in his head or on paper a story to try and tell who he is, and he is losing the battle and parts of himself. It is my history that causes me to read this poem this way, and perhaps you have a totaly different meaning in mind, so forgive me if I'm in outer space on this one. The tone of the poem is so well done. The feeling that a person is dissapearing in front of us due to what? I also thought of Alzheimer's disease in which a person is lost bit by bit. So very sad. I liked the poem and it reads well out loud. I weish I knew what it was that creates this shadow tone. Good writing! Rene	2003-11-12 17:38:50
The Cross	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Wow! This is different from any of your previous I have read. The lines that I find the most powerful in the poem are, "drink / the cup." I think that his is a wonderful challange, and while I usually avoid religious poems like the plague, this I really like. It puts the emphisis where it belongs, and shows by its form the focus of the poem. I would suggest that you use the space a little differently and center the whole thing. Also it might work better if you put a little more space between the title and the body of the poem, as the cross functions better visually if it stands alone. Thanks for this one! Rene	2003-11-11 14:26:44
Origin	C Arrownut	Interesting poem. I'll try to understand. This is about the differences between the vesion of the origin of life as shown by Nature itself, or as according to the Church. The Church is shown as dominating the scene, and yet it is directly under the bridge/church that is found, "in one spot on the river’s edge —nearly imperceptible— high weeds unexpectedly yield to white sand forming a mouth into the unknown." The Church is therefore shown as the protector of the entrance to true life (or True Life). This could also be about the creation of a poem, as the poem writes itself in the subconscious and then falls onto the paper, bound and restricted by the limitations of reality. However, if you search underneath, you will find the hidden meaning the subconscious is inviting you to locate. Now that I've committed myself, I'll most likely find out this is all about something completely different, but this is how we learn. The wonderful thing about this poem is even if one is not sure about the meaning, it sounds comforting as it is read aloud. I certainly wouldn't change this. For the second time today, I have had a valuable lesson in writing. Rene Fraley	2003-11-07 09:10:53
Point of Reference	Thomas H. Smihula	Again I have trouble looking at a poem without my history scewing the point of view. I see this poem as the search of a person to make sense of himself (his Self) and acknowleging that only when one integrates his past fully, can he/she truly understand the who and why of their personality. (OK, I admit that I sound as though I'm hanging off Mars, but there is where my history sends me.) I like the way the poem reads, but as I have a fairly concrete mind, I had a problem reaching the associations connecting each stanza. I always like to read your work, Thomas, as it presents a challenge to me and stretches my mind a bit more toward the abstract. This poem seems fine to me as is. Rene	2003-11-01 17:35:38
Haiku: Warnings	Darlene A Moore	Hi Darlene, I like this poem made of a triad of haiku. The poem as a whole imitates the form in that it has 3 verses of 3 lines each. The theme of nature is consistant throughout, The warnings given by animals and humans. The syllable count is met throughout, although line 2 in the second haiku has to be read just right to do so. It all depends upon how you say "forked". I like the way the emotions are represented by the animals and wondered if I should say seneru (sp?) or haiku. The imagery is wonderful and the poem reads well aloud. Nice work! Rene	2003-11-01 17:25:25
An Act of Fate	stephen g skipper	This is such a serene, sad poem. Acceptance is a very special state that tends to be illusive, but in this moment of poetry there is a stillness of soul. The deep love expressed in the poem is intensified by the simplicity of language used, and the poem has good flow. As a reader unacquainted with the situation, I feel a need to encourage you both, and a poem that developes that kind of response without being dramatic is in my book, good writing. I feel privileged to have read this. Thanks, Rene	2003-10-30 19:31:47
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