Wayne R. Leach's E-Mail Address: martij@surfglobal.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Wayne R. Leach	Critique Date
Purposely Me	DeniMari Z.	DeniMari, near perfect rhythm makes this a super easy and enjoyable read. A few comments down through: I still want to run up the stairs of my life - [excellent phrase] and sit on top of my world - [okay, not cute or worn-out at all] and yell out - [could this 2nd "and" be deleted? Just a possibility] ok, I've been hated for things out of my control loved for reasons I'll never know - [nice slant rhyme here] Riduculed and spited, - ["ridiculed" sp.] tossed aside for other frivolous dreams - [nice and blunt, as it should be to describe this] [No complaints from here on, plus *super consonance, assonance and alliterative qualities] but at the core of it all, still - [*esp. here] grew a heart and loving soul with an infinity of passion that fills up the mirror of my life - [*and here] with the sweetest damn reflections anyone could ever imagine. Thank God for giving me the time to do it all. Regards and best wishes wl	2004-03-28 16:12:52
High-ku	Andrea M. Taylor	I am seeing stars.:) - then wishing upon them! Well done. Cute title to match the thought/scene. It shouldn't take a philopher to capture this, although it reaches into that realm with great ease. The alliteration of s's is s-s-spectacular, and "infinity's veil" is a term I wish were mine. Only one verb, one preposition - no window dressing - as it should be. A beautiful "ku", Andrea.	2004-03-28 15:51:37
What Missing You Means	Rick Barnes	Hi, Rick. Just came upon your nice poem here, and will put in my 2 cents worth. I can appreciate the emotion, which is described very well, and the technical correctness of the punctuation and rhyming. I do think that the reiteration of "missing" statements is a little too pronounced. I'd rather see more descriptions of what this "missing" resulted in, the effects it had by example like in the latter portion of this piece, which I think is effective and beautiful in its rhythmic quality. It is in the early stages that really slows the reader, until he really gets to the "meat" of the poem. In L4, I'd remove "the", giving it better cadence, like: "we wiled most of our time away" or even "we wiled away our time". Merely suggestions, so please do not take offense, but keep writing. My intent is to help, not discourage. Thanks for sharing your emotions with us here at TPL. wl	2004-03-26 10:53:18
You didn’t	Mark Andrew Hislop	This is a well constructed "list" of what a relationship consists, so filled with emotion that the reader cannot put the"book" down. I was going to critique this earlier, but decided to sleep on it and come back today. I really got a lot from this, and cannot suggest much to improve on it - if any. The only possible suggestion I'd make [and it's only that - a slight suggestion] is that without any commas [except at the very end] the reader attempts, I think, to try to make the lines bind together, kind of destroying the intention of the so-called "list". I'm not at all sure the commas would work either, but maybe a colon after each single line's "didn't" to help the reader identify immediately, that these are "lists" of individual actions or inactions. See you as I see - [Is this line supposed to end with another "you", or is it implied?] or... should it be similar to the following line in form: "See the you I see/Love the you I love" I like the finality in the close with the periods to emphasize it even more. Very good job, Mark. Best wishes, and write on. wl	2004-03-24 20:36:04
Haiku	Andrea M. Taylor	Really a tongue-twisting 1st line, maybe just a little too much?? Beautiful images, though. The amount of alliteration in this short piece is amazing. The blooms seem to be popping right out at the reader. Then the suddenness and change in the mood via the closing line is outstanding, as it should be. Syllable count is fine, though there has been a tendency to give some leeway with the counting in English versions of this form, for the reason that there is so much difference between the languages. In Japanese, the onji (sounds) are quite different in interpretation, and this is where the haiku originated. An excellent job. Thanks for submitting. If you're really interested in this form, you might go to hsa-haiku.org or modernhaiku.org. I'm ready for more any time! wl	2004-03-24 09:28:24
Memories of Bertha	Sherri L. West	This is a very nice piece of work for a beginning poet. It has the necessary imagery [it could stand more], an abundance of emotion, and a rhythm that makes for an enjoyable read. Reminiscences are easy to come by, but sometimes difficult to put into words. You have done a commendable job. Your descriptions, sights, sounds are very nicely done. I see a fine use of alliteration in S1, with the hard c's; then again in S2 with the s's and d's near the end of that stanza. I like, also, the additional word in the 2nd "You are my grandma..." line. However, I think S3 needs a little tweaking, because I think you should help the reader remember his/her "grandma" by more sights, sounds, smells, even touch instead of telling him/her to "remember". In other words, lead the reader with description, not coercion. I hope this helps and does not discourage you in any way, for I see excellence oozing out of this piece, out of your heart and mind. Please write on. Thanks for contributing at TPL. wl	2004-03-22 15:52:39
Spring is Born	marilyn terwilleger	Twilight of winter warbles an ode to spring - [unique allit's, "warbles" really made me hesitate!] as the sun fawns above earth and - [Could these "ugh" and "aw" sounds be considered "slant assonance"? Nice] shines it's ardent brilliance o'er - [more ideal sights & sounds coming from your "pen"] sober valleys and singing grasses - [beautifully said] Naked trees bask in healing rays of spring's dawn. Shivering earth - [I feel the ice breaking up, the frost coming out of the ground.] inhales the virgin air and breaths life into buds of guile - ["breathes"??] Gone are the belching spasms of - [These 2 lines are superb, powerful, then...] wind and the yammering of winter birds, born are dainty bonnie butterflies - [...to the softness of these next ones. Beautiful comparison/transition] and red robins rejoicing in splendor The wind jarred forest yields to tranquility - ["wind-jarred?] as warmth dissolves the carpets of white the pita-pat of rain bedews the - ["bedews" great creative verb, an attention grabber, for sure.] boisterous leaves and festive petals - [excellent, but it leaves me wanting more, more.] And here it is, Spring, in that final statement. Great read! Thanks for celebrating the season. wl	2004-03-22 11:54:09
Israel	Marcia McCaslin	Well written - and informative piece of work. It reads very easily, probably more so for those who are knowledgeable about that region. I found it not in the least didactic, as some in this genre are. Very interesting form, kinds of keeping the reader in limbo wondering what is next, leading him/her on [with your wonderful use of enjambment] into the next lines with those lines ending in prepositions and articles such as "for", "and", "the". Great read. I see punctuation throughout the piece, except at the end. I wonder if that is intentional, leaving the quotation marks and final period out. And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed It seems to [kind of] leave the reader hanging in anticipation without a final completion. Maybe we are incomplete, unblessed?? type of thought. Thanks for posting, and again - Happy vacationing! wl	2004-03-22 08:29:08
japanese verse 42 (Pollination)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, such beauty in a short breath. The syllable count is fine. My only question, being from the "old school", is that I didn't think it popular or appropriate to use metaphors in haiku/senryu. If I am mistaken, forgive me, but don't shoot me. :>) That would be my only complaint, if I am correct, for this is truly an outstanding attempt at conveying beauty befitting the season. Thanks for submitting [and I am certain Claire approves, though I cannot speak for her]. Best wishes. wl	2004-03-22 08:12:25
Spring Quartet	Joanne M Uppendahl	Melodious it is, dear Joanne. You have certainly an eye and ear for transmitting those beautiful sights and sounds of spring. The 2 hyphenations in S1 are perfect. The alliteration of [w] [w]orks such [w]onders to the ear, as well. The "orange knees" & "knobs" - outstanding! No more accurate could the scene become. Frogs roaring the pond, - ["roaring" seems too much of a disconnect to the "singing" and "sweet" below? I see the intent, but question that verb selection slightly. I'd seek a synonym with a little less of the lion sound.] determined to do what they were born to do: singing wetly, the whole sweet night before them. More w's make a w-w-wonderful closing. Nice job. Thanks for the continuance of excellent submissions, Joanne. Best wishes. wl	2004-03-21 14:48:03
The Bucket	Marcia McCaslin	Thanks for posting this excellent piece, and Happy Vacationing!! Beginning with a poweful 1st image, I was drawn into this rapidly. A beautiful read. Can barely coax a gleam, although reds and oranges translate to a bit of glint on its pocked surface. - [I seem to feel weakness in this line, in spite of the hard sounds. Maybe one or two more syllables?? "... upon its pock-marked surface."] It hangs by a wire on a post that lives out its remaining days, an unwitting teller of time.* *[I like this image, but maybe it could be dressed up a little. Maybe a "...cedar post/living out..."?] Beautiful 3rd stanza. Imagery and assonance perfect. I hear the 4th staza rhythm of sounds perfectly, as well. in prayer to the Giver of all grain. - [possibly drop the "all" for rhythm?] As late afternoon calls in its debts, the stabler fills the bucket with water and forgets. His mind is on the tavern-- [These lines instill a feeling that the roans were left un-watered for the lure of the tavern, and sadness prevails, if so - and the rest seemed so uplifting and positive. I'm hoping that with the bucket full, the 2 horses can reach their drink.] Wonderful closing stanza. A truly lovely poem. Thanks for sharing it with us. wl	2004-03-21 14:25:24
Actuality	Mark Andrew Hislop	This is very strong. It appears to be laden with a sadness - from recognizing oneself as he really is, being exposed finally to self-observation in that "mirror". An exciting and fascinating read. I think nobody could get this much emotion in so few lines. Quatrains to couplets very effective as the reader is switched back and forth [with the author] between the future and the present. The concentration on that image in the mirror is so intense, the reader cannot escape from the lines of this poem, try as he might. Powerful. I can offer no suggestions to improve it, but do hope this is an awakening of substance for you, if any possibility exists that this is autobiographical in nature, as I expect. Courage, peace, happiness my wish for you. wl	2004-03-21 13:48:07
Doppler Effect (Revision)	Joan M Whiteman	I think you have it down perfectly. I didn't see the 1st, and will check it out - after I give my comments here. I am sure others have given you proper advice re the other one. I certainly see the Doppler Effect here, in the imagery as well as in the stanza forms, alternating from quatrain to tercet - esp. in S4 with the lines atretching out as I read. The "approaching train" simile was perfect. I remember the thrills I received while waiting for, then hearing trains come into town at night. And the depth of midnight was/is great! Wonderfully done. I see no way that I could suggest improvement. Metaphorically superb. I hope this is an evidence of healing should it, in any way, be autobiographical in nature. Best wishes for future success, health, happiness. wl	2004-03-20 19:14:07
My Summer Dream Cabin	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, don't think I saw the 1st one, but I love this one. Brilliant and interesting imagery, esp. the garden and animals. The beautiful descriptions brought me right into the place you created. I was there experiencing the animals visits. Great job. Just a couple of sugestions. I did seem to have trouble with the Morse Code [s, r]; I like the idea, but don't realize what (dit-dit-dit, dit-da-dit) s, r signifies. Maybe use da-da-da, da-dit-da "o k" instead?? The alliteration in the garden is wonderful, picturesque - or, should I say delicious?? The nest-building, - [I think maybe these 2 lines should be combined.] the denning, I enjoyed this comparison of the needs of nature's beings to those of yourself. The closing stanza is a work of art, an awakening with that cool drink! Write on. wl	2004-03-20 18:55:43
Political Senryu 4	Michael J. Cluff	Interesting and well done, but I'll decline to comment about the content, not having seen the movie. - and, I probably won't. I'm not at all a movie fan. The form seems quite satisfactory. Critique nearly as brief as the post. :) Regards. wl	2004-03-19 09:51:10
Senryu 154	Michael J. Cluff	Quite a picture, Michael. I like this genre, and you have a nice one here. It is accurate in form, but the images seem just a wee bit too separated, each line an individual picture or emotion - or maybe I am mis-reading. No, I take it back. After re-reading, I see the connection [a little oblique, but there it is!]between L1 & L2, then the anger. OK! Guess I'm a little tired, got up too early. Good work. I did enjoy the images. Hope to see more of these. I could have deleted the error in judgment, but won't, being such an honest guy. :>) wl	2004-03-17 22:36:22
Search and Seizure in the Ache of Day	Rachel F. Spinoza	Wow, Rachel. You have fit an abundant supply of exemplary imagery into a small space here. This is great stuff! The hardness of the "d's" softened by the flowers and the Persian rug in S1, is superb. The action and the sparkling of the diamond in S3 work wonders. Then the "phantom" and the "singing" of a squeaky "hinge" or "kitten" create such sounds in my mind. I find no fault at all. Onto the list with it! No sense wasting any more time seeking errors in this one. Write on. wl	2004-03-17 22:24:07
God's Intervention of Abduction	Cathy Hill Cook	Welcome, and I believe you will love it here, as I certainly do. Congratulations on getting accepted for publication. Now to the nitty-gritty.:>) - [I can be pretty tough [though I am also honest, regardless], but please read it all before getting too discouraged, for I only intend to help.) I think you have added several unnecessary commas, for example: Lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9. These are followed by a continuing prepositional phrase or thought, so I think the pause created by the line ending is sufficient. There are other similar locations further on, as well I think. I like the contrast you have injected at "dark" and followed quickly by "brilliantly". Very nice. You have some very nice, though dark imagery in this piece, along with intensive rhymes, plus alliteration, assonance and consonance. I wonder, also, if one of the "God" namings might be replaced by "He" or similar to reduce the repetition, a distraction for me. Reversing them back in time for me to disimbrace. - [sp. "disembrace"?] before dark shadow thoughts were born. - [maybe a hyphen or comma here to replace the period?] Reversing them back in time for me to disimbrace. - [and a semi-colon here - the sentence seems to continue.] Emptying my dark shadows in a place, - [I would delete this comma as well.] burdened with existence to be scorned. Where dismissal lives in total disguise and permanent disgrace. * Never allowing past dark shadows to shed its ingrained mask... *[Now, this is great poetic imagery in these 2 lines, but the first of them is not a complete sentence, so inject a comma, or simply delete the period?] As by now thoughts of dark shadows so hollow, - [Again, I think the punctuation needs to be examined here.] shallow now are selectivity dismissed. - [It will improve the flow of the poem immensely, I believe.] Into desegregating that is now dismembered and dissolved, as so into nonexistence. I feel a lot of strength in this work. It is quite a statement, and with a little tweaking, will become an excellent submission in anybody's book. I hope I don't appear too demanding, and do not get disappointed. I have been noted as one of the tougher of the critiquers here, esp. as to punctuation, spelling and other grammar technicalities. Again, I welcome you and hope you will find this a good place to participate. I do think you have a definite talent and many emotions and experiences to be expressed. Best wishes and peace, love and happiness is my wish for you. wl	2004-03-17 22:13:37
Poems I Cannot Write	Sandra J Kelley	Very picturesque piece, Sandra. I enjoyed it immensely - and yes, I did know about the snow, living in Maine. :>) I see you've selected one of the most difficult categories of poetry to explain and not write about, love. This is one that everyone must write sooner or later, I guess. The suggestion I might make would be to see if, after L1's sentence, there might be another place to end one before the last line. I think maybe a little more hesitation by placing a period or semi-colon after "black", then maybe another period before the final question. The idea is well presented and presented in an excellent form with a nice easy rhythm to it, making for an enjoyable read. I would change none of the imagery, and really try to keep the tempo as is, should you decide to edit at all. Best wishes, wl. P.S. - I know a lot of critiquers copy in the whole poem and comment line by line, at length. I am not one to agree with that policy, so forgive me if this format isn't to your liking. Thanks for posting.	2004-03-16 22:58:22
Funeral	Emma Quinn	Emma, a truly interesting and intriguing compilation of images at the "funeral", from the lighter side at the beginning to the "secrets" and "mourn"ing at/near the climax. The fullness of the central portion all linking the "jubilation" with plural verbs down to the last climactic prepositional phrase of the last line reveals a surprising amount of talent and wit. I thought I caught a misspelling to complain about, but NO! "surprizes" is fine, only a secondary one. You tried to catch us, huh? Maybe it is from another dialect/country? It certainly is no big thing, anyway. I enjoyed it,a dn could find no way to improve. Write on. :-) wl	2004-03-16 12:37:30
Forever Is Three Years?	Michael Bird	Thanks for contributing, Michael. I felt the pain and contempt throughout these lines, but think it a little too repetitive/reiterated. The rhyming is well done, but again, I think too simplistic to be restated so often down through the poem. I comprehend the slightly different postioning of the views as I progress down these staccato lines that provide strength to this work. Could we, however, concentrate more on finding different imagery to convey some of this pain and regret. A little more polish could make this emotional poem even more dramatic still, I think, instead of almost boring the reader, notwithstanding the anguish inside. I try not to be too demanding, and never intend to discourage anybody - only truthful in trying to help. Write on, I know you are possessed with enough talent and emotion. Best wishes for happiness. wl	2004-03-16 11:59:01
Chant	Jane A Day	Another wonderful job, Jane. From the darkness of adultery to reach a place of perfection, the sounds you have passed to us is amazing. I like the transition from 4 lines to 3. It helps ease the lifting of darkness somehow. Check spelling of "muscles". I hear the bass voices, the sopranos, the background music, the ohm's of the chant lifting us as we travel through the lines. Superb expresses it pretty well. I see nothing else wrong with it. Write on. :>) wl	2004-03-15 22:33:36
BackStroke	Rebecca Lee	Thanks for posting this sensitive and rhythmic [almost musical, though I think sad] piece. It, through its form, drags the reader magically down into depths of emotion. These lines: "oh baby my baby a love of my life i love where you have gone still where have you gone?" make me think this is really about the loss of a new-born. If so, I feel your pain, even though we know there are no returns. Rebecca, I cannot make any suggestions. I know this comes from your heart, and mine cannot begin to know - . Best wishes for peace and happiness. wl PS: If I read wrong, please forgive me.	2004-03-15 22:24:23
Night Train	Emma Quinn	Hi! What imagery in line 2! The railroad is a fascination of mine, being of the steam engine age. I loved this read. Thanks for posting and sharing with us. I see very little to correct or edit here. Sp. of "tattoo" is about all. I love L2 and L7, and can hear the wheels clicking with the sounds you have injected throughout with your fine alliteration of t's. Please let us have more. Thanks. wl	2004-03-15 22:12:41
Seeking Comfort	Jane A Day	Hello, Jane. I don't recall seeing your name here before, but with my senility beginning to set in, I might be mistaken. If so, I apologize; if not, WELCOME to TPL. This poem is well formed, rhythmic, and with a little slant rhyming ["moons"/"room"], interior rhyming ["reflects" (check the spelling)/"complex"] and the excellent imagery, esp. in L1 to draw the reader in, it is a wonderfully warming read. Thanks for sharing with us. Please write on. wl	2004-03-15 22:05:57
The Splendor of Fire	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	You are prolific, Jordan. Keep 'em coming. I enjoyed this, but detected a few things I think might need a little help. Hope I am correct. First, I truly enjoyed the sentimentality and emotions flowing all through this piece. It is great and sharing such warmth and beautiful imagery is more than one could expect. Your muse should truly appreciate this. I loved the "frizzle" instead of frying, or whatever else one might do to the bacon. I gather woods and ignite fire - [does "woods" need to be plural??] Lighting the place I dwell you - [a little confusing, "...I dwell you"?] I would scent there aroma - ["their aroma" - the lilacs, not a place where you smelled them?? Could be either.] By the way- lilacs are one of my favorite flowers and aromas. Beautiful poetry, Jordan. Thanks for sharing.	2004-03-15 17:22:18
Mis	Regis L Chapman	Very interesting read. A difficult subject, one of the most popular, but often abused/misused. I think you have captured much of the needed subjectivity well with the staccato sounding t's and d's. The rhyming did not seem as important, though, a little distracting. That portion could, I think be used in a form containing longer lines. I guess what I am trying to say is that the rhyming caused me to pause, while the sounds made me try to race on. Hope this makes sense, without being offensive. It's only intended as a suggestion. I try to get out from under impossible, I am floored meanwhile is rent asunder* reason before me gored * [a little hesitation/perplexity here, I think, interpreting "meanwhile" as adverb or noun??] after all I forget forever and remember today I forgot to shoot and yet I miss anyway Why not, to keep the line and rhyme form, AND the hesitation, place a hyphen or ellipsis between "miss" and "anyway"? Thanks for posting this strong piece of work, Reeg, and take it easy on the self-abuse. :) See you "on the fence"? wl	2004-03-15 11:02:39
Bound By	Regis L Chapman	A very interesting and enticing read. I enjoy your "experimentations" with new, or at least different, forms and techniques of writing. This one really leads the reader along in superb fashion, and makes a very strong impression as it does so. The consonance, alliteration and nearly continuous interior rhyming works wonders as one travels along these lines. I think maybe one hyphen near the end to instill a thoughtful pause might be an interesting addition, probably between "chaste" and "but". Only an impulsive thought for your consideration. Great submission, though. I enjoyed it. wl	2004-03-15 10:38:55
japanese verse 41 (Rainbow)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Another excellent senryu from the "pen" of Erzahl. Great imagery, with some alliteration added, s's -h's. An enjoyable read. Spectrum of hope smiles After plethora of tears - [Wouldn't "plethora" be singular, with "of tears" only a prepositional phrase modifying that noun, thus needing a plural "falls" in the next line?] Fall from heaven’s cheeks That is my only problem with this one, Erzahl. Thanks for submitting this. wl	2004-03-15 10:29:02
An Unreal Day	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	I enjoyed the poem, even in its sadness/darkness. The emotions come through emphatically. I think I'd only capitalize the start of lines that actually begin a new sentence, or have none at all. I found it a little bit distracting trying to discern the time of a new train of thought caused by injecting a capital on every line. I hop ethis is not too disconcerting for I do see an excellence in imagery, rhyme and rhythm here. I was curious about the altered rhyme pattern for the last stanza. They jump from love, to fear, to hate - [Are the commas absolutely necessary? The lack of other punctuation would suggest not, and they seem to slow the pace too much. Only a thought??] Here, I am nothing, I have no soul - [maybe delete the 1st comma??] Other than this, I see no more that I could suggest. Best wishes for a happy and full life! wl	2004-03-14 11:39:10
Escape	Regis L Chapman	Reeg, This doesn't really sound like you, but then again, how would I really know. We all have pain in our past, and painful release of by-gone affectations is really difficult - more for some than others. I see anger and the hopeless frustration of not being able to change the past. I think we all have attempted that, too. Your excellent piece of work has true effectiveness in the truncated lines and an occasional rhyme. I think I'd even shorten a few more - maybe: I want to escape from the reminders - [delete "from"?] that someone has been here - [maybe past tense here? "had been"] before I don't even know why I feel this - [possibly delete "even"?] and as I drive by you - [delete "you"? It's kind of understood, plus it's stated a couple lines down.] That's about it. A lot of oo's sounding off in this, and I think that is really a fine inclination towards the feelings being transmitted here. All of these are merely suggestions for I did like the poem as is. Peace and happiness, I hope are yours from here on. wl	2004-03-13 18:01:33
So What	Regis L Chapman	Each line has a message of its own, regardless of its length. The staccato-ness increases the strength and nose-thumbing as intended. Good work, Reeg. [I won't take this TOO personally.] :) The helter-skelter rhyming and lack of formal punctuation accent your point, as well. The truncation of "path" leads excellently down to Sylvia Plath [friend of Anne Sexton, whom I've read a lot]. You tempt/tickle the reader's ambitions by placing nearly perfect rhyming intermingled with the free style, helping all [even the advocates of formality] to comprehend and appreciate the talent that went into this excellent poem. Thanks for submitting and sharing your ideas of what poetry is so vividly. wl	2004-03-13 14:17:43
Terra Incognita	Mell W. Morris	Mell, it's ALL here, every tool! Alliteration, assonance, consonance, personification, metaphor, interior rhyming, enjambment, and on and on. What a read! What wonderful questions you ask the reader to pursue as he/she travels down this excellent work! You have expressed feelings, colors, sounds, emotions that, I am sure, all of us have experienced at some time or other. I will be back to read and contemplate this more in the future. Please leave it on site, or give me permission to copy and pass it on to a few friends. Thanks, wl. Health & harmony to you.	2004-03-12 11:04:27
APPROACHING FULL CIRCLE (a self portrait)	Marcia McCaslin	Wnderfully reminiscent! I enjoyed this excellently written piece. It has the correct hesitations, the melody of its content, where it takes us, through life - yours, and tangentially, ours. There are a couple little thoughts: "co-workers" with a hyphen?? - [guess I'm a punctuation freak] 'cause here's another one: instead of a colon after "but not only to her:", how about a hyphen, or just a comma?? -and- I think an even longer hesitation between "gone--poof!" would accent that disappearance even more. Th-th-that's all, folks! :) It really was a great read. We all seem to find childhood(s) repeatedly, don't we? Thanks for posting and sharing. wl	2004-03-12 10:36:54
Compassion	Debbie Spicer	Nice beginning to this emotional poem. It "hauls" the reader right in. Essential in emending my self-esteem. -[mending or amending?] My eyes filled with tears of joy Believing in me without question. [You seemed to alter the tense with "Believing"? Could a substitute be found? Not a big deal though!] In S3, you have "believing" again, but with you doing it instead of the person in S2, making it more fitting in my opinion. Minor details, for I did enjoy the read and appreciate what you must have experienced to write such a piece. Best wishes, good health, peace. wl	2004-03-11 15:02:04
Sable Shadow	marilyn terwilleger	It worked for you. That is good. It works for me, too. That is good, also. :) A perfect first stanza. Super rhythm and introduction to where we will be led. The 2nd one seemed off a wee bit. Possibilities: "I am past the grief of death that haunted me for years, but am now" - [There seems to be a switch in the rhythm from the trochiac in L1 & L2, to the iambic of "disturbed" in L3, then to anapestic [except for the missing last stressed syllable. This random length of poetic feet seemed to distract me a little, but only in S2.] "disturbed by your image that looms in my nocturnal id like a tenacious incubus" The midnight seems to create quite a disturbance in the last stanza [which is great], starting out dark. I anticipated silence at midnight, but was rudely shaken, then jarred by the "drum beat", then silenced again with the sable shadow. Interesting flip-flop. The final line concludes the poem perfectly, explaining all of the fears and terror in the midnight hour. Maybe I am being too critical here. I did enjoy the read, and happy for you that your nights are clearer and more restful. Rest well knowing you have created and shared a very nice poem. Thanks for sharing it with us. wl	2004-03-11 14:38:22
At The Mammae of Modernity	Thomas Edward Wright	Very interesting; from now on I'll be exceedingly careful of my wishes! More imagery than I could wish for! An exceedingly magnetic piece of work, dragging the reader forcefully through the obvious impossibilities, yet... - who knows? So many angles, yet so distinct in the display of each - from politics to the shower to ice cream to sports, the name game. Nice package. Love this line with its hesitations, assonance, and alliteration superbly done: "I would follow both, either, ever, afar." Miracles proven!??? Thanks for submitting this very different poem. wl	2004-03-10 20:56:08
I Am Fred	marilyn terwilleger	Most of the missing punctuation seems to work ok, but I think 1 o 2 places really need a comma. In L3, S2 &S3 similar to what you did in S1. I see no reason to do it there and not in the others, but it is a very cute poem - poor Fred! Nice to see some more humor here. There's seems to be nearly enough darkness and hurt in the world. Thanks for brightening mine tonight. Other than the punctuation, I see very little to change. Maybe leave "all" out of the 1st stanza, L2?? Not a biggy, though. Congrats on a fine & fun piece, Marilyn. Peace, etc. wl	2004-03-10 20:41:02
Life Support (Revised)	Mick Fraser	Yes, Mick, this is an improvement - with the suggested alterations. I still, however, am not sure where this takes the reader, although the images are powerful and the meter making for an easy read. It is the thoughts provoked that cause hesitation - the attempting to put a finger on the pain or, I guess, the journey the poet is taking us on. It certainly awakens the reader with its strength of imagery. I do believe this is a tale of one's journey through life, with an anticipation of what's ahead with the "harps", but this can only be anticipation, not for certain?? I hope my comments don't seem negative, because I did enjoy this read very much. [Now, please mail the explanation to see if I've made a fool of myself.]	2004-03-10 08:54:05
Life Support	Mick Fraser	This seems to captivate the reader - a magnet of word power. I may need that explanation, but I would guess a tale of abuse and pain. It seems quite a journey from slats to tile and marble, and life has many journeys to the top and back again. Some of us have been there, others not. The style in this piece, the imagery and rhythm are very nice. It read easily, though a little vague as to what the reader is to interpret, therefore your offer to explain. I wonder if it could be a little clearer, so this wouldn't be necessary? At times, this is not at all possible with poetry coming from so far within that nobody could understand the emotions trying to be conveyed. Very well constructed poem. Write on, Mick. Be well. wl	2004-03-10 08:43:36
The Fiasco In Me	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	A vivid beginning to really entice the reader to jump into the meat of this one. Two of the senses are attacked with a vengeance here, leading us to the questions we all should answer honestly. Beautiful and powerful in its brevity. Simply stated, yet thought provoking. Great job again, Erzahl. wl Only this: Not long those rotten stinking smell of the past - [plural "those...smells" or "that ...smell"??]	2004-03-09 20:39:23
reflections	Robert L Tremblay	Well composed with the nice rhyming scheme. I do feel it a little didactic, but maybe I am too adverse to the spirituality thing. It starts with a sadness, then enters some brightness, then returning to "weep" again. I do think it reads very esily in its nice rhythmic pattern. Thanks for posting.	2004-03-09 19:07:32
Screenplay	Donna L. Dean	How brief can you be, and remain so complex, my dear Donna? Wow, you said a lot in this staccato-ness. Reversal of the lines concerned me when I read the 1st, but then its effect sank in. Great alliteration and the relationships to life are really put forth with power in the brevity of this. Quite a surprise ending, too. As we approach the finish line, things become clearer, especially the truth. Hope I read this right. Only problems I see: Parellel Crime - [sp. parallel] Crime parellel - [ditto]	2004-03-09 18:47:28
Once	Regis L Chapman	I believe I critiqued the one before, too. Wasn't it with a different title? Anyway, I like it - still. It has the imagery that carries a reader along. The rhythm is great, as are the rhymes and alliteration. The vapor trail metaphor is superb, explaining the simplicity, and also the complexities and brevity of life, its pleasures and little quirks. The following lines did make me pause and attempt to understand what was going on here: the lowly thought they were entitled - [Is this "entitled" supposedly connected to the "to" on the next line?] to the provenance of dead and kings - [I doesn't appear to be, being separated like that.] and demonstrating teenage demagogues - [If so, then how about a semi-colon, or a period to follow it?] Maybe I'll feel foolish after this is wxplained to me. Other than that, I see no problems here. My regards on another fine piece, Reeg. wl	2004-03-09 18:38:56
Leaves Cling	Regis L Chapman	An interesting read, Reeg. A lot of rhyming for you. I enjoyed it. There was just one place that I hesitated, not quite getting it, I guess. The following lines: I strive a breath forward in my silent splinter blown by a wind - [I re-read several times, and am no better off.] The rest of it is very good, and probably this is, too, with an explanation. I love it from these lines on. A great close. Imagery fantastic esp. the "muted white". Quite metaphorical if I must say, with a whole bunch of philosophy tossed in for good measure. Write on - keep posting. Enjoy the fruit of the vine! :) wl	2004-03-09 18:25:25
Swimming With Mary	Thomas Edward Wright	My GOD! The emotions you've wrenched from within me in this masterful work. I felt that I was there, trying to help her breathe, or not breathe, to swim - drown. The depth of it is brought out significantly by the distance from the title to the 1st stanza. "Death" introduced so strongly and personally was very powerful. The breaks/spacings work superbly. Beautiful in its terrible, but I am sure, accurate descriptions. I know what cancer can do, but this is certainly nearly as horrible, if not more so. My critique will show that nothing can possibly be added to strengthen or perfect this. Peace. wl	2004-03-09 10:45:38
Untitled	stephen g skipper	A very emotional, even heart-wrenching contribution to TPL. A couple minor suggestions, if you will: I would not place a period after each line, only at the end of a real sentence, or at least before a new one if the prior clause or phrase is to stand alone. All be it - [Albeit?] Yet it was love that caused me this pain. - ["me" is implied. I'd delete it.] Without love,maybe, a soul can be regained. - [This, even without proper spacing, seems a little out of sync and rhythm. It might need 2 lines to complete the thought here.] Will you ever set my heart, to fly free. - [Maybe "Will you ever let my heart fly free?" - a question, a little more brief, better rhythm??] I hope you don't consider me too harsh, and I do wish you well. It's a difficult and trying time, I am sure. Be safe. wl	2004-03-09 10:10:57
Vandenbergs Love	DeniMari Z.	The scattered rhymes work wonders for me. The rhyming thing is a tricky one, varying with each and every possiblity, some very concise and patterned, others random like this one. I think it depends a lot on the message, the emotions involved and even on the poet's environment. This is one of the best love poems I've seen in a while - a very difficult, and abused with over-use, theme. A couple little things: I believe "'till" with the apostrophe should have only one "l". If you use 2 l's, you do not need the apostrophe. See how picky I can be? :>) Another thing that threw me was the word near the end: "mystyc". I cannot for the life of me, figure this one. Is it a typo, or a word unbeknownst to me?? A beautiful piece. Write on! wl	2004-03-08 21:12:28
I Wanted To	Sandra J Kelley	Possibly: (you asked for suggestions; that's all this is.] Alone in darkness with cool air - [I'd put the "and" at the start of L2, better rhythm] and cooler satin sheets surronding me, - [sp. surrounding] listening to the hum of tires and night insects, [highway is implied] I think of you - the warmth of your body, the slight [stubble-sp.] from (lack of?) shaving gently [abrading-sp.] my face, shoulder and neck; and those precious evenings when I listened to you read poems about your father, you standing there with half-mad eyes and tumbled hair - sometimes wearing a torn T-shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to... [Good! - nice pause for effect here.] That single afternoon in your arms, - [comma for a little more hesitation?] supposedly learning to extricate myself from the hold you had me in, but instead - [Do you mean "the hold you had on me" or an actual physical grip?] learning the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic breathing[sp.], the ways my own body responds. Learning about fire. Endless finite mornings coming awake, - [endless finite seems an oxymoron?] seeking out pens and pale-lined paper;[again, I'd keep the adjective and noun connected] I wrote poems about Lake Ontario - [beautiful from here on out.] and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted to... I wanted to tell you the truth: I never wanted you to believe me. [Surprise ending is nice - AND STRONG!] I hope you really meant "help", and I hope I have, without being too, too critical! Best wishes with it. wl	2004-03-07 09:30:35
Shhh	Michele Rae Mann	Quiet beginning, thoughtful throughout, and very catching sensualality. Clever design and use of the senses. It captures the reader's attention with its vivid and brief description. Have no fear for family and God are with you! Thanks for submitting this piece from within your very being. A few technical corrections. Nothing else. Be well. Write on. :) but knowing your going to live - [you're...] People say you have to have faith - [Would "...you need faith" work here?] theres' something that always brings me back - [there's] I wonder why there is a difference in the capitalization sequence, some lines are while some are not, with no apparent relation to sentence beginnings??	2004-03-02 21:58:31
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