Wayne R. Leach's E-Mail Address: martij@surfglobal.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Wayne R. Leach	Critique Date
Eye Hath Not Seen	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, Delicious and rhythmic, a wonderful read. Although I'm no cook, nor a connisseur of fine foods, I did enjoy being about these delicacies in such a melodious poem. Maybe we'll enjoy them together - on the other side! The only thing I might suggest is the huge detail of maybe deleting one comma from the last stanza - the one after "scraps". Other than that, I wouldn't touch a thing. Nice! Best wishes. Wayne	2004-04-23 21:41:34
An Atheistic Affermation of Faith	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Paul, I think I critiques the other one, and this one seems to be much more brief unless my memory is playing tricks again. I believe that makes it a much stronger statement, less of a pleading for acceptance of your position that I remember [I think] in the longer version. I wonder if the title is spelled correctly, or a variation somehow of "Affirmation". I couldn't find your spelling in my MW Collegiate. I truly like the image of "resounding through the void" as you have been very creative there. As to the subject, I guess I won't offer an opinion because I feel I won't know until I am actually in that situation, but you're probably correct. Best wishes. Wayne	2004-04-23 21:05:23
Rain	Valene L Johnson	Valene, enjoyable images. Instead of the pronoun "they", I would suggest using "raindrops" for more clarity. I believe that is the intent here. Unless of course, that is not what is doing the dancing, as suggested by the title. Would some word make the sound for us instead of merely stating it? Just a thought. I like the last line very much, seeing the little "pock-marks" on the rain-coated asphalt and accompanying little splashes as the droplets hit the black pavement. Like it much. Peace. Wayne	2004-04-23 20:55:45
Majourney Well	Thomas Edward Wright	Thomas, what a beautiful goodbye for one who took us, led us, showed the way from cradle to wherever/whatever we are now. Some beautiful images reminding us of those little things mothers shared with us to make the world a nicer place for their babies. I would suggest just one teeny little thing, but hesitate to do even that. Oh well, Fair thee well mama-door. -[How about a comma after "well"?] Apowerfully emotional read. Thanks so much for posting. Wayne	2004-04-23 15:49:26
japanese verse 46 (Hyenas)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi [again] on this one, Erzahl. I see you have changed it a little, and you now have my undying support on it. So - there were more than one cheetah. Aha, must be quite a pack of chuckling, laughing dogs, though. Just kidding, not complaining. Thanks for [re]posting. Wayne	2004-04-23 15:25:56
Nightfall	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, I enjoyed the imagery. However, in English haiku I think the conciseness of image and brevity is more important than the syllable count. I know poetry.com insists on the count in their contests, having been there [and won mouse pads, and cups several times years ago]. When posting them here, I'd go over them a little, reducing prepositions, articles and modifiers that are not absolutely necessary. Personification [earth's breasts] is rather uncommon in haiku, too. I don't want to re-write or appear too brazen, only assist if possible. The following is merely for consideration to indicate what I mean: silk-sheet cloud falls to keep night's eyes from earth's breasts I truly love this genre, and if you do, you might like to go to ahapoetry.com, other of many good web sites through search of haiku, or maybe obtain a copy of "The Haiku Handbook", ed. by Wm. J. Higginson. It is an older book, 1st copyright 1985, but might still be available in stores or libraries. ISBN 4-7700-1430-9. Let's share more of these. Best wishes. Wayne	2004-04-23 15:19:25
How not to have you	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, found an old love "down under"? What to do? Loved the rhythm - yeah, the whole da-- thing. Down to earth reality - the storm, the bar with its smoke and treats, the ute. Then when we rode raindrops down the mountain, - ["Than when..."? a comparison needs this word, I think.] Other than that, see ya' on the next go 'round. Loved it. [I'd love to re-unite with an old love like this, but don't tell anyone.] :>) Wayje	2004-04-21 21:27:25
The Last Visit	Sherri L. West	Sherri, I know she is nodding her approval as I type, as you wrote. What a beautiful elegy! I am so glad you have been submitting poems. I can see it runs in the family. Nothing changed would suit me just fine. What a powerful closing! Write on, masterful one. Peace. Wayne PS: I know many of my critiques are brief, but why pile on the adoration and use up valuable time and space?	2004-04-21 21:10:24
Instructions for My Burial	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, I guess we all despise funerals/burials, but this "going away" should be a fine departure, esp. with that music and all the careful planning and instructions. Cannot suggest any changes for this one though. Now I'm depressed because this would signify you are leaving us. I'd hate to see that. I know we all go sooner or later, but .... I'm at a loss for more words right now. Happiness and peace - in that order. Wayne	2004-04-21 20:29:14
Iraq in April	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, very strong statement, and distressing thoughts/questions - all. But befitting for all, I believe. A couple things only I might think about. I could change nothing except possibly: Are only God’s handmaiden[, if] that. [?] Any which way, - ["Either way" maybe?] You lose. Best wishes, Wayne	2004-04-21 20:19:43
The waking tide	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, truly enjoyable poem of love [as I read it]. The waking is such a rude thing when the night and darkness is so comfortable when within each other's recaptured arms of love. I see almost nothing I could suggest. Maybe centering the whispered and renewed "--love--" in its line, possibly in parentheses, to soften and separate it even more, singling it out to reaffirm its (whisper) shhhh. Just a thought. Beautiful job. Peace. Wayne	2004-04-21 19:51:48
What Old Men Struggle with at Times Like This	Thomas Edward Wright	Beautifully done, my poet. The Discovery Channel was bleeding on my rug, with - [just wonder if comma is needed] I am a flower, a two-lipped red one. Or an ass. - [maybe a hyphen to replace the 1st period?][Good line!] I worry about them. - [maybe a comma instead?] Especially the bunnies. I have the ear of a bunny between my teeth. - [Nice line, but is comma more appropriate maybe?] And I can hear the crickets calling. - [...and here, too?] And I can hear the frogs croaking. - [or delete the "And"s?][Also, do both lines need "And I can hear", or could they be shortened, esp. the last one? Just a suggestion/thought.] Now, this is one powerful and beautiful transitional stanza. Excellent! Easter Eve. I love the black jelly beans best. And for me it’s easy to see Whose god makes the most sense. Thanks for submitting this. It was a great read. I hope your Easter was a fine one, too. Wayne	2004-04-19 11:37:06
Summer	Sherri L Smith	Sherri, a beautiful 5-7-5 poem. I might shy away from the abundant alliteration in this form, however. The sound, smell, touch [of the sun] senses are really awakened here. If you were going that far, why not "sunshine on the skin"? :>) Just poking fun, probably not a wise thing. Seriously, I did enjoy the moment, and believe me, after this past winter - am I ever ready! This would be my only suggestion, cut back a little on the allits for senryu - and haiku. So, write on. Peace and happy sunning. Wayne Oh, sirloin or T-bone? [medium rare, please]	2004-04-18 14:02:16
Gone	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, I truly enjoy your dramatic imagery, your comparisons and the intellectual content so discernible in this poem, and many of your others as well. The rhythm makes them flow, but the message truly makes the reader become a part of the piece, involved. Again, the alliteration and assonance I find in this is one of the strong elements I find through much of your work. The closing couplet is a powerful close, not only for the surprise factor, but probably due to picking up the rhyme - "tea, me" and even going back to L4's "sovereignty". I notice the lack of punctuation in this one, which works well, and other times your punctuation is so perfect. I guess you really have a feel for when it works, and when it is not needed. Superb job. I cannot improve it a bit. Thanks for posting. Best wishes, Wayne	2004-04-18 13:48:08
On similarity	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, After almost passing on this, I re-read it several times, liking it more each time. My thought, at first, was due to the complexity of S1's message - its almost contorted discourse, but after "sticking with it", I got it. Then I became so involved with your message, I couldn't leave it, and actually enjoyed the strength and the sincerity of what you conveyed. The lines pasted below are the most succinct and poignant lines, I feel, and the grasshopper simile is excellent. Then the "slamming" of those who play at this "sport" of crushing another's ingenuity really struck home, for I am sometimes guilty of that, too, I fear. [I am attempting to really appreciate and adapt to the fresh and inventive talents being displayed throughout all fields of artistry.] Oh, I know these folk too, for they have laughed and made small all those thoughts and words that spring like grasshoppers across the savannah of my mind, crushed them as a sport between their goals, their instant replays and their wine. In feeling undeserving of anything that exceeds our fellows fates, we stand bowed - [Should fellow(')s be possessive? maybe just a typo?] against the measure of another’s rule, when all poets decree we should use our own. Your form is excellent, the rhythm great, the message powerful. Your use of alliteration is also well done. I see nothing else wrong with this, and thanks for posting. Peace. Wayne	2004-04-18 13:31:24
japanese verse 44 (Cross)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, I wonder a little about this one. I know the count is 5-7-5, but is that as critical as a concise image? The prepositions - of, towards, against - make this seem a little too strained, or maybe even cluttered. I'm not sure those are the right terms, either. I like the picture really clear. No, you didn't sound righteous, but it's okay if you do, too. I know there are some like that in this twisted world. :>) Why not include the word "cross" instead of "Emblem of my faith"? Oh well, I tried. Regards, and hope I didn't come on too strong. Peace. Wayne	2004-04-17 20:37:19
Haiku:Glory	Valene L Johnson	Welcome to TPL, Valene. I certainly hope you enjoy it here. We are a pretty happy and helpful bunch. Some are a little tougher when critiquing than others, myself included. I never intend anything except to aid others, and sometimes I, being human, make a mistake, too. :>) Anyway, on to the task at hand. Although there are many forms and variations in the world of haiku now, especially in the West, I think most agree that haiku are supposed to have a seasonal reference, and a moment captured as briefly as possible. It is also common to want to leave out as many articles and pronouns as possible, using only absolutely essential ones. The syllable count can vary, but the total should remain under seventeen in English, with a short-long-short style. Usually, metaphors and similes are a no-no, as is personification. Haiku should relay what the poet saw, and not tell the reader what to feel, but let him/her feel from the image described. I am rambling, aren't I? In your poem, I am inclined to think it more like a senryu than haiku because of the lack of season and the personal/human tone as well as the theological reference. Even then, I'd tinker with it a little, maybe. a whisper of light strike heart with trumpets blaring - [This seems to lack clarity, or something. "strike heart"?] the love of my Lord! Do you mean "[my] heart" or the heart of something else? And, could "with" be left out of this line? The 3rd line would be much more concise as: "my Lord's love". Maybe: whispers of light touch my heart, trumpets blare my Lord's love Only a suggestion. I do not intend to re-write anyone's poem for them. I just did this to see if this was the intended scene. Thanks for joining us, and I hope I wasn't too tough for a first go-around. I intend to never discourage anyone. Please write more, maybe we will both learn from our relationship. I wish you happiness, peace. Wayne - [one of the toughest on technicalities I think you'll find here]	2004-04-17 19:21:29
Come Walk With Me	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, I'd gladly "walk with" you in this wonderland of images, consonance, and alliteration. Beautiful in its rhythm and repetitive title line that, to me, is not boring in the least, only a reminder of that invitation. The sounds, and the silences, you have created is very pleasing to the senses. Only one correction needed. When the flush of morning folds it's - [possessive "its", as you have it = a contraction of "it is"] light among shrouded thickets A beautiful addition, an enjoyable read. Thanks, Wayne	2004-04-16 22:32:03
Twisters	Sherri L Smith	Sherri, hi again! You have given us an abundance of vivid images regarding this marvel of nature. I think the poem would be so much stronger with a little polishing of those images. It reads almost like a list in the office of the local newspaper or broadcast studio. Also, the tenses of the many verbs seem to alter from present to past and back. There is a lot here to work with, and I like the power that's contained. I do not want to discourage this poem's development, but I do think I'd work on it a little more, but far be it from me to write someone else's experiences. Therefore, the only suggestion I'll include here will be to add some more colors and sounds, along with keeping the action in either past or present tense. Hope to see and hear your voice again soon. It definitely has the potential, and I know you can write very well from seeing your past submissions. If you don't re-post and want to email me with any comments, etc., feel free to do so. Best wishes and thanks for posting. Wayne	2004-04-16 22:12:25
In This Light I Am Blue	Thomas Edward Wright	Methinks a hyperbolic personification of the subject and his lover, most beautiful in its images. I picture the rings and many moons of Saturn among other solar and galactic bodies. Yet, I feel the personal emotions concealed deep within this "conversation" between the first person and his "listener" in this poem. Despair seems evident in the beginning, then an attempt to recognize and defeat this possible self-destructive attitude - but I think, failing. Therefore, waiting glorified in an eternal "dream" for that lover. I hope I have interpreted this correctly, but I'm being honest with what I garnered after reading several times. The imagery is superb, as is other useful tools like alliteration, assonance, etc. I like the form - the longer beginning stanzas to define where we are going, then the briefer closing 3 stanzas to carry the reader quickly into that emotional closing. A challenging, yet rewarding read. I didn't go to the link, for I'm a little leery of the www and its possible viruses, etc. I am not really computer literate. ;>) Thanks for posting, Thomas. Wayne	2004-04-16 21:34:30
with a tranquil passion burning	zen sutherland	Zen, a beautiful contribution to the difficult genre of love poetry. Excellently structured and image perfect to describe an emotional outpouring with superb dexterity. I see merely 2 minor changes or typos? by summers backlight – [should this be possessive "summer's"?] it reminds me of a mothers intonation - [and he same here, "mother's"?] Other than that, I can only state my total enjoyment of this excellent post. Thanks for arousing my love for love. Wayne	2004-04-16 16:29:01
What is Rooted We Revisit in Sleep	G. Donald Cribbs	Ver-r-r-y nice piece of work. An enjoyable and thought-provoking read, making us realize the reality of life, love and the sharing of both. The symbolic [to you] sycamore is excellently accomplished. You have used many tools, especially imagery, assonance, and personification, of the poetic world with outstanding adeptness. May I note a couple things? Tonight we closed the bookstore, a warm privacy of illumination clustered around and around us. Our hunger poured over pages of words, gobbled down with sips of coffee. This pleasant frolicking lightens steps taken to the field, and the heavied ones afterward. - [Maybe "...lightened steps" for proper tense?] Alone in the field, our sycamore resolutely stands—a sentinel guarding moments still sacred, altared before us, silences of unspoken words - [Would singular "silence" work here?] when I knelt before you, made the scream rise gurgling from the back of your throat’s delicious and silky darkness; an offering, a receiving. - [These 2 lines are superb! possibly a hyphen instead of the semi-colon? Just a thought.] From here we see each marker, every dog-eared page, words risen prayers* before these life altars. [*Does this need a comma after "risen"? It seems that "words risen" should be separate, then "prayers/before these life altars." would be another thought.][Or maybe you meant "words risen as prayers..."?] That final line is great, a powerful closing. Thanks for posting this beauty. Write on in peace, poet. Wayne	2004-04-16 15:39:51
Hat Language	Marcia McCaslin	Beautiful touch, Marcia. You make this old hat come alive with the beautiful imagery. It literally talks to the reader. I detect much excellent alliteration, many great similes. This personification of such a mundane object as an old hat is such an accomplishment. I would change nothing, except I would offer one teeny question or possible deletion. fingers when meeting with friends at the local watering hole and exchanging a few stories over coffee or a good whiskey. - [why a single whiskey? why not delete the "a" and have more than one? :>) Loved it, Wayne	2004-04-16 15:16:38
Elena,her Ninja,and Chernobyl	Michael Bird	Michael, A very touching and descriptive read, and so full of imagery and emotion. I do have some suggestions - of course, or I wouldn't be me. :>) Your 1st paragraph leads us into this poem with no punctuation, yet, as we proceed, we find commas with no spaces after them (S2, L3) and commas with spaces after them (S3, L3). I just wonder if this is intentional to make the reader "rush" on in some places and hesitate longer in others, or if they are simply typos? You have given us some wonderful imagery, alliteration, some rhyming (interior, too). I'll point out a few other places below that I think need attention. She wears black leather Is sleek and sexy Just like her motorbike Faster than a speeding bullet Gone in a flash Like so many others Traveling from town to town Stopping occasionally now and then - [Is this a little redundant - occasionally is "now and then", I think.] [Maybe "Stopping briefly now and then" or something similar?] Exploring,checking out the desolation Riding through the country side No cars no people Nothing to get in the way - [Possibly shorten this by deleting "to get". Just a thought, not critical.] Passing through intersections No need for stopping The silence is erie, downright spooky - [sp. "eerie" ; I like the line very much, though.] Only her ninja can be heard Screaming like a phoenix - [Nice] That can`t be found Villages,towns,nameless cemetaries - [sp. "cemeteries"][...and spaces after commas?] Like Smirnovka A village of brothers and sisters Over twenty years now All that remain are pieces here and there Photos ,technics,all unusable - [Again, check the spacing. It varies.] The town,Ghostown,deserted - [Unless this is a real town, I think "a ghost town" would be better? Spaces?] Where time stands still Nothing but silence,dead silence - [How about a hyphen instead of comma? Just a suggestion.] All you can hear Is your own heart pounding - [Could "own" be left out?] Echoing off the buildings - [I might consider dropping "the" from this line.] Searching from the rooftops - [...and from this one, too?] To imagine the shining cloud - [I do think this line is excellent, as is. It needs the article in it.] People saw that fateful day And would not realize - [Maybe "And did not realize" would be better here?] It would be the last thing they would see Their fate sealed forever A nursery ,shoes on the shelf,and on the floor - [Tough images, but excellent. Very effective. Spacings?] No children,no parents - [spacing?] An amusement park,silent too - [same here?] Forever frozen in time No music no laughter - [Why no comma for separation here as in previous lines?] All vanished without a trace Three hundred thousand,maybe more,maybe less - [again, spacing?] No one will ever know They all died a agonizing death - ["...an agonizing death"] Some were heroes,most were innocent - [spacing?] Many had to leave their homes Never to return Welcome to Chernobyl and surrounding towns The dead zone Where the only sound you can hear Is Elena riding her Ninja Like a bat out of hell - [Very effective and emphatic closing. I like it.] I know I've made a lot of comments and suggestions, but this poem is very good, and with the finishing touches should do very well by any reader. Thanks for the interesting, though painful in its truth, submission. Please write on, poet. Peace! Wayne	2004-04-14 21:12:24
Why is it that.....	Sherri L. West	Hey, Sherri! Nice take on that reflection. I think it applies to many of us. [Note: I sent back all of AARP's stuff in their pre-paid envelopes until they stopped sending it.] I am accepting Social InSecurity, but would never have signed up for it, had I understood the "contract" when I was coerced into it. It is really too late for me to opt out [at 66 and not wealthy]. Back to the task at hand: I don't really think I'd let the title be the first line, too. I believe the title should be only that, and actually repeat it for the 1st line, if necessary. However, that is totally up to you. Only giving an honest opinion. Am I changed, - [Here I go again with that punctuation thing. :) - I don't think this comma is needed.] fundamentally? ..... I will defy senility. - [Do you think a semi-colon might work here?] I won’t rely On social security - [I might put that deleted comma after this line. Food for thought.] nor will I reply to AARP and, I’m getting rid of my mirror. - [Excellent closing line](a surprise - kinda!) I need to turn mine back to the wall, too. Thanks for the excellent post. I like it very much. Write on in peace. Wayne	2004-04-14 20:16:11
Untitled 2	stephen g skipper	Stephen, another emotional out-pouring to one whom you, or the subject, cares about deeply. A nice metrical opening stanza. For a lightening strike of truth, - [sp. "lightning", or maybe "an enlightening strike of truth,"?] The hounds of winter, - [delete comma?] Are howling on the wind, - [nice assonance "hounds-howling"] I see her face, beautiful As ever, so easy to remember. - [Nice rhythm, rhyme (1&4) and assonance here] Waiting for a thunderbolt of reason, - [Maybe start with "I wait for..." or something along that line?] Arms now outstretched, - [I'd delete this comma.] For a lightening strike of truth, - [sp. lightning][Again, I believe comma is not needed.] Because she's gone. - [The thoughts in this stanza seem a little incomplete, although the imagery is fine.] Even though she's so close now. - [Should the period go to allow connection to the closing? Space is ok.] I will keep the faith, After my own fashion, Never to forget her utter love and passion. - [Nice closing rhyme for a truly intimate ending.] Happiness and peace is my wish to you. Write on. Wayne	2004-04-13 20:36:12
Haiku (She Digs It)	Marcia McCaslin	A fun read, but you know you're gonna catch h--- from a few. Yeah, it is too human and materialistic for haiku, inspite of the syllable count being 5-7-5. There's no seasonal reference, either. You might call it a senryu, but I think I'd try not to define the form on ones like this - just name them, and let the reader determine the form, if necessary. There is certainly a lot going on in this, maybe too much with 3 verbs. The syllable count is not all important in this type of poem; it's the conciseness that really makes it work. [short-long-short in line form for haiku, senryu with less than 17 syllables preferred] A sample? with earphones and iTunes full tilt Grandma rocks See the difference? I hope this is of help. Write on in peace. Wayne	2004-04-12 20:13:27
Thumb of Green	Mell W. Morris	Mell, what a timely and beautiful contribution - and, I would think, quite a change in style from your "pen". I enjoyed this tale of sharing by someone who really enjoys her garden for the right reasons. What a super opening line. There is so much rhyming and assonance with the "ee" and short "i" sounds going on here, it just soothes the ear of the reader. Beautiful job, so I see no need to linger, except to re-read for the enjoyment. More than before. Sufficient to feed- [This sentence begins with "Sufficient...", but appears incomplete.] The entire town which she does, driving Around, baskets of dew-kissed, crisp Produce delivered with cheerful care. I wouldn't change another thing. Write on, poet. Wayne	2004-04-12 19:34:26
Canticle	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne, I wish you'd sing this one for me! What a beautiful - and timely piece. As usual, the (loads of)assonance, the alliterations and the rhymings are superb. The metaphorical beginning just grabs the reader, making him/her continue for more, more. Yet, it is such a brief "song" and so complete when "day is done." :) I enjoyed it immensely, and can see only one possible flaw [in the "chorus"]: As flickering spring songs are sung o’er din of birds’ announce* the day’s begun - the day’s begun! [*I think for this to be a noun, "announcement" would be correct. If a verb, the possessive of "birds'" would be incorrect.] Other than that, nary a thing could be found. Thanks for posting and sharing this wonderful Easter "song". Wayne	2004-04-12 19:18:06
Midnight Stallion	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, some really wonderful imagery and action in this one. I see you have used some punctuation. Maybe a little more? [You know me, the punctuation freak.] I only think if some is used, the use should be more or less uniform throughout the piece. If none were used, hesitations should be installed by other means to kind of direct the reader where he/she might read improperly or even become confused. But it contains a lot of really nice rhymes, allits, consonance, etc. Truly a nice read. In the leafless wilderness we stood face to face our eyes - [maybe a comma or a line break after "face"?] locked in a powerful embrace he stood tall, about sixteen hands his coat the color of midnight. - [You have a period to end this, but not after "embrace" - nor a semi-colon.] He seemed poised for flight, this wild gallant stallion of strength Beautiful images though! His hoofs of thunder pawed earth's surface - [how about just "pawed the earth"? Just a thought.] and a falcon skulked overhead, vulpine by nature he dove then soared across time and - [nice images here, too, the falcon disappears over the peaks] the mystic peaks that prop up heaven, my - [I think maybe a period instead of comma? at least a semi-colon?] being was wrapped in a mantle of fear with heartbeats that pounded and pulsed at my chest The steed shook his noble mane nostrils flared with breath of bane, I felt weak-kneed but held my stand and slowly extended my hand - [no period?] The withers of this regal mustang shivered, eyes cloaked with doubt but he bent his neck - ["with eyes cloaked in doubt, he bent his neck"?] muzzled my palm, reared back, and was gone - ["nuzzled" instead?] That renegade of beauty engraved romantic magic on a parched uncluttered plain and the chained palisades of my heart - [A beautiful close! period] What an experience this was. Wayne	2004-04-12 11:38:36
Run Mommy Run	DeniMari Z.	I wish everybody could find a means to survive doing exactly what they love to do. I think the world would be such a brighter place. Think of all the frowns that the smiles would replace. A few suggestions, DeniMari: Run Mommy run, from first sight of the sun, into the kitchen coffee on, - [maybe a comma after kitchen, and leaving the line-ending ones off? A thought.] all day at work, you'll be gone, - [first comma really needed?] run Mommy run. Hurry up or you'll be late corporate supervisors sit and wait, to look - [again, is comma needed here?] down their nose at you. - [plural "noses" I think] Too bad, the rent is due. - [this one -yes]:) Traffic moves too fast, allow the speeders to pass - [maybe delete "the"?] elavators, faceless peers - [sp. "elevators"] log in for the day God for how many years? - [Here, I'd put comma after "God"] Run Mommy run, - [okay] from first sight of the sun, - [okay 2] chasing your back to stay on track this corporate equasion makes you numb - [sp. "equation"] Run Mommy run. Alot of really nice internal and other rhyming and assonance. The form makes the reader "live" in this hurry-up world you've created with your fine "pen". I know - I'm a punctuation freak! Just trying to feel needed. :) No, really enh=joyed it and hope some of my suggestions help. Peace and love. Wayne	2004-04-12 10:52:19
Country Music	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, a nice light-hearted piece - at first, then Patsy's and Willie's "tear-jerkers" take the reader into the real story being told here in the 3rd stanza. Those staccato lines really give it the proper tone, I think. The pleading tone of S4 is answered very well in the final verse - with even a hint of humor in "Jose Cuervo". I love your choices of music. My cousin "Moe" is quite a musician, and I have a couple of his CD's. On one, he does that "God Must Be a Cowboy" song, and I really love it. The older ones are mostly all favorites of mine. Quite a lot of assonance [see, sweet, Me][swaying, Save][to, Lou] in S1 that makes it smooooth and danceable. My only [mild] suggestion might be to see if the line count of the stanzas could be equalized somehow. It just might make it a little more musical than it already is. Only a thought. Loved it. Write on in peace and harmony. :>) Wayne	2004-04-10 18:35:46
White, Fallow Worlds	C Arrownut	Dear CA, Hope I can help, but by no means would I write it for you. It was/is your life/world/environment/moment, etc. I'll give a few possibilities for your consideration. Last night--beyond the control of science - [I like this opener.] --the blizzard. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven[,] snow a drift to five feet. Massive mounds - ["a snowdrift of five feet - massive mounds"?] covered cars, all glistened in the glare - [covered cars; all glistened.../] and angels of white linked all. - [and like white angels, linked them all. Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood out shoveling together, piled flakes - [shoveled together, piling flakes/] ten feet high on three sides of each car - [maybe simply "...around the cars" (or "the white angels")] rebuilt - [and rebuilt, or a comma after car(s) or angels in the previous line?] the impenetrable walls between us. Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. - [This is not a complete sentence, so I'd re-structure with possibly "are fated...".] We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds. - [Nice closing, I'd leave this.] This may be all wrong, but hope it gives some ideas, at least. Best wishes for happiness and peace. Wayne	2004-04-09 16:57:33
Can I Be Jewish Too?	Paul R Lindenmeyer	I can't comment much regarding the content, being unfamiliar with the Jewish names, etc. I do like the tones, the form for this "informational" questionnaire. The staccato quality fits very well, as does the ellipsis at the close. I might use lower case a little more, but only a suggestion. Brief, but strong poem - a poem of quality. Thanks for submitting. Resurection? [sp. - "Resurrection']	2004-04-09 10:17:41
"I Don't Know"	DeniMari Z.	Maybe we at the Link can help get you back on track. I might suggest the following, but don't want to write your poem for you - only try to assist you: I can paint a color to go with every emotion I feel - except for a color to describe "I don't know". This vague perception creeps up now & then, that blank blinkless stares - [nice line with the alliteration & consonance.] and amnesia - [also, the "a" assonance in these lines works very well. I'd retain it.] crawl up my back and I know - [I'd keep this in the first person, whereas it began that way.] but I don't. Where did the answer go? The only other thing I would consider is using a few adjectives to show the colors mentioned. Just a thought. It seems to have quite a matter-of-fact quality, not conducive to evoking the emotion that the poet should be expressing when this question is unanswered. I hope I have been nothing but helpful - yet, I know how it is to lose the "touch", the inspiration, and all the other stuff that it takes to continue at times. Best wishes. Wayne	2004-04-09 10:08:41
Baby In The Grey Cloud	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, another gem for us. What a way you have with the metaphor, the personification reaching almost into a metaphysical conceit category. "The voices persisted. Soon, hot streets lapped at her heels as she hurried after the vision. "Dirty shop windows revealed her development. Her body was built for the dance and her voice was built for the music." These were the favorite verses, absolutely beautiful imagery. The only slight [and I emphasize slight] suggestion might be in S3, to change the period after "Greatness awaited." to a semi-colon, and continue without capitalizing "But". Not a big deal, it just seemed to create a kind of hitch in the, otherwise excellent, cadence. Another great, in my opinion, stanza would be: "Her smile stretched around the globe, but tears dampened the dreaming pillow and her cries took Heaven aback." The shape of the cloud was powerful stuff, too. This poem is one powerful statement, and if personal, must have been an emotional release of a magnitude only those who experience it, would know. Super job. Thanks for contributing so much to TPL. Best wishes. wl	2004-04-09 09:42:21
Rising to the Occasion	Mell W. Morris	An excellent tribute it is to a worthy recipient. You have succeeded with a host of poetic tools such as assonance, alliteration, rhyme of many types, and an excellent cadence for the scenery you portray. You even use personification as "the reeds" serenade us. I see you got the spelling corrected. I thought I'd seen this before, but don't know why my critique was wiped away so quickly. Oh well, here we are again, Mell. Best regards. wl	2004-04-08 19:33:08
Changing With The Changes	Marcia McCaslin	Marcia, Marcia! The emotional content within and the release of it in such a glowing display could not be better arranged. The past tense of it all leads - no, DRAGS the reader to "the last morning" and reach the inevitable conclusion expressed so emphatically with that final closing line, spaced for just right effect. A beauty if ever I saw one. I'd change absolutely nothing. Thanks for such a wonderful contribution for us to share. wl P.S. - It takes quite a lot to bring tears to these old eyes, but you came mighty close!	2004-04-07 22:31:57
"Hill's By The Sea"	Cathy Hill Cook	Cathy, you have put many beautiful images in this piece, mostly concerning the sea and life at the shore of the island. It does appear just a little didactic, esp. with the extensive use of capitalization that seems to attempt to emphasize even more the religious tone. I understood that "Hill's By The Sea" was probably a reference to the family name, and that was all right, but some of the others had me hesitating constantly. Our family is so drawn to the majestic moments at the Heavenly Sea, - [Am I missing the point/metaphor of these capitals?] God’s first days of creation where the Heavens and Sea came to be. - [and these?] Our family call their speck of the Island Shore - [again here?] “Hill’s By The Sea” that we own. Where we are so fortunate to experience one of God’s many wonders that we have known. There somehow its atmosphere lets our worries and frets fall and melt so free, The experiences at the Sea Shore - ["seashore"?] are so very Spiritual for our family. - [ Why not "spiritual"? Just curious.] We call "The Moment Of The Day" our special time - [I accept this. It could be a name for a "family holiday".] when the sun rises and falls, God speaks to us Spiritually by his finger painting - ["spiritually"?] colors separating his Heavenly walls. At night we stand at the edge of the Sea Shore’s Island. - [Is this the name of a real island, or a metaphor?] Seeing immages of God’s countless people - [sp. images] being represented by each grain of sand. The twinkles of the stars are his Holy Angels, - [Again, I think the capitals are an unnecessary distraction.] the moon His Glorious Crown. - ["His" - yes, but "glorious crown" I think would be better.] The waves dressed in transparent white are God’s edging of His lace on His Gown. - [Okay, except I'd question "gown".] As we look up and out at the sky and Sea far beyond our sight, - ["sea"?] We feel God’s All Knowing and Love - [Maybe, but I don't think all these caps would be necessary, esp. "We".] of everything created by His Almighty Might. - [A tad redundant? "...by His might. His omnipotence is known?] BIGGER THAN BIG IS GOD INTO ETERNITY FOREVER, As each of Gods creations to Him uniquely cherished and His very own Treasure. - ["treasure"?] I know I'm being really picky, and will probably receive your wrath in the scoring, but I have to be honest with my opinions, or I could not justify my being here otherwise. If I missed the intent, I'd be glad to get an Email to explain my misdirection. It does have reverence, imagery and rhythm. I hope you'll clue me in to the other. Thanks for posting and sharing your enjoyment of the creations bestowed upon the world. wl	2004-04-07 22:21:07
Passion's Pardon	Andrea M. Taylor	Andrea, A sensitive and definitive senryu. I'd like a little more transition at the end of L1 or L2, usually required of this form. Also, I would question the one capital "S", if only to discover the reasoning. Could it be that this "Saving" actually refers to the Almighty? If so, then it doesn't really fit for it appears to have a gerund-like use here, modifying the "arms of love". Maybe a little more hesitation after L2 with a hyphen or ellipsis? An interesting submission, and I hope not to be a discouraging voice. Write on in peace. wl	2004-04-07 11:43:12
Afterthought	Michael J. Cluff	Oh, come now, we can't allow, despite the grin, this poem to win. [but it did garner a smile] :>) Peace. wl	2004-04-06 20:16:57
The Sixty Seven Percent Solution to the Problem	Thomas Edward Wright	I could say, "Been there, done that." -and, it was fun at 8 to 10 years of age. I would even drink the sap as we hauled it by hand in buckets on the bobsled my brother built. The aroma in the shack was so sweet and enchanting. Enough about my memories, which you have really boiled perfectly into this piece. I love it and will not recommend a single change. Grade me as you will. It is lengthy, but not a bit redundant or monotonous, being filled with such wondrous images and temptations for the senses, especially smell and taste. Write on, poet. Peace. wl	2004-04-06 20:09:44
Rock a Bide Woman	Lynda G Smith	Lynda, Effective parenthetic usage. I feel the vibrations of them. A very effective and strong 1st line, also. It echo’s in my gut; - [pl. is echoes, "echo's" is possessive] Isolated from light, - [Very effective hesitations here, esp. with the sentence ceasing in middle of L2] I wait. In state - [Nice interior rhyme - with alliteration even] Of grace with form, Carved, perfection’s statement Beneath tiers of time, Thick onion layers of skinned emotion, - [Excellent imagery in the latter portion of this stanza] Smooth sedations of toil Diffuse the crying oil. - [Powerful, esp. with the rhyme] But what good are tears When the stone encasing Fears, binds freedom, When the bead of cleansing - [would this be a little better connected/clearer if line break after "saline?] Saline is not checked by friction And rivers the marble planes - [great image] Forging stains - [maybe a comma or ellipsis here - just a thought] Fugitive and futile. - [Super allits with the f's in this entire section] Who is the defender of the faithful, Grateful for the isolation Of being one with me. It strikes again, and yet I stand - [nice slant, interior rhyme] An immutable maquette, - [ more superb alliteration - m's & f's] A mock of flesh Frozen by eons - [strong, but maybe I might break after "choices" instead of "eons" - only a suggestion] Of past choices, depression by compression.* Muffled words between the hits Make no sense. They fall upon Carrara ears, undefined and undefiled,* - [*2 nice attention grabbers] A fusion of sound to sonic sense. - [even more alliteration, you have a way with it] I feel the falling chips And check . Is it vibration or vacillation Oh that it would speed - [I'd suggest a comma, or even an exclamation, after "oh"] Or fly. Who flays the detritus - [had to check spelling here, but it's okay, and a strong noun it is, too] From this bound body. What chaos of freedom Is swaddled in the stone In my wombed tomb - [2 more excellent lines of allits and rhyming] Safe and secure as In that mothering place. - [Here, the reader REALLY discovers who and/or what is suffering. Amazing work] Who would mind or care if I bide in black Bloat one more day, Hide, simply hide One more day So I wait within the silence In the darkness, Rigid in the darkness, Expectant In the darkness, Counting the consequences Of time. - [What a powerful closing statement, reiterating the "darkness", and the c's alliteration.] Nothing more to add. An excellent creation. Thanks for submitting and sharing it. Peace and love. wl	2004-04-05 12:47:32
As Circles Close	C Arrownut	Welcome back to TPL, I see you've been gone a few months. Well, I was absent for several years, and I came back. :>) Wow, talk of religious philosophy. Powerfully constructed. This goes "full circle". A few possible changes?? influenced world affaires through suggestions - [sp. affairs?] and man’s propensity to act - [I think I'd prefer "act out" on the same line for better connection;] out self-fulfilling beliefs. - [it shouldn't damage the meter or rhythm.] How true - the decline[s] mentioned in S3 & esp. in S4. the living will and pulling the plug, evolution, stem-cell and cloning research, - [esp. nice consonance in these lines] An interesting and definitive correlation between two civilizations - the risings and falling[s]. I see no more I could possibly suggest for improvement. I must go back and read some of your earlier poems, because I wasn't "on board" last year. Write on, and best wishes. wl	2004-04-04 18:49:02
Night Moves	Lynda G Smith	Lynda, a very clever division between the skies and the human factor, and the comparisons to what occurs in both locales. Stormy night? above and below? both reconciled in the morning - perfect! It really matters not where the rhymes are placed, they are captivating. I notice you use nearly no punctuation, which is okay, but I just might stick a comma after the first word for a slight more hesitation. I think it might make the 2nd and 3rd lines interrelate better. Only a itsy-bitsy thing. No other suggestions for improvement. An interesting use of the verb "charge", also relating to an electrical storm. Wonderfully created imagery and an amazing turn/divisor at the center to divert us to the "rest of the story" in the final stanza. Thanks for posting.	2004-04-04 18:27:24
By the Pond	Joanne M Uppendahl	Well now, I guess spring is really in the air - and TPL. What imagery you pass to the reader in this, Joanne. Another fine piece from a true observer of nature. The assonance of L's 2 & 3 "green" "greet" "geese" simply "glides" the reader so softly from the "sentries" into the "water cupped" [waves] and the feeding of the gulls with "upturned palms". I couldn't pause until the end, only to re-read it again and again. The "womb" and "come" close rhyme put a finishing touch of excellence on this piece. Beautifully done. No improvements needed here. wl	2004-03-30 14:37:36
Tranquil in the Wind	Debbie Spicer	What a beautiful and serene poem, esp. at the beginning and end. The central 3 lines makes the reader hesitate a little too much, I think, not really knowing of whom you are speaking, soldiers, children, innocent "collateral damage" victims, or all of us? Even then, it's evident they are humans, so does it really matter? I might like another infinitive verb for "to quell", but on 2nd thought: no, it does fit and also enhances the l's alliteration in the poem. Brief, but so effective and powerful in that brevity. I have no more to suggest here, Debbie. Peace. wl	2004-03-30 14:24:44
Haunted Hunt	Andrea M. Taylor	Andrea, I hope he reads it. I enjoyed the thoughts during this read. You produced the right thoughts to carry the reader into this, and through it. I'd hope you could keep this and expand on it as time and events unfold regarding this episode of our lives. A couple of suggestions. {I wouldn't be me without them.]:>) Where you been, Bin? - [How about the contraction "Where've", though not necessary, only a thought.] In caves with your sin Why don’t you hide in plain sight? - [This raises the question of how one can hide in plain sight.] Not behind your follower’s fight. - [Why a period on this one, & not L2. I'd leave 'em both out.] How safe is your skin? Only one more: I think "angels'" with the apostrophe to fit the plurality of souls, wings and/or angels. Excellent piece of work, nice rhythm and rhyming. I also think the changes in length of the 1st and last stanzas works okay here, kind of a chorus effect. Well done. wl	2004-03-30 14:11:19
japanese verse 43 (Destiny)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl, a nice philosophical senryu, crafted and thought provoking, esp. in L2 & L3. Of course, the count is right [old school-ish]. :) I think this might belong in a newer school, and thereby become more concise and effective with the shortening of L1 to: "we are/prodigies of our shadows/paths of our footprints". Notice lower case line beginnings, too. Only the thoughts of a humble learner - always. Best wishes. wl	2004-03-29 09:17:34
Among Lilies	Lynda G Smith	Superb and right in season! Great piece of rhythmic poetry, Lynda. Without hesitation, I'll tell you that I cannot see a thing in error, so this will be a brief commentary. It goes high up on my list because of its fine occasional rhyming patterns, its wonderful imagery, its nice alliterations [esp. the "ll's" in the central portion, although they are so effective throughout the piece], and the line with its hesitations "this deep cold storage,". The opening lines are wonderful and truly capture the reader, saying, "You must continue!" Again, a great poem. Write on. wl	2004-03-29 09:08:06
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