Jordan Brendez Bandojo's E-Mail Address: jordan1st@msn.com

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Critique Date
At The Full Of The Moon	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, The ending brings me a thrill: "Hormones dance around with urgency-- It could be now or never." Effective ending indeed! On the other hand, nice simile in the beginning. Allits and assonace are good highlights. Poetic devices, applied so cleverly! The imagery is splendid here! Now, I realize, at the full of the moon many great things happen! Thanks for sharing, Marcia. More of it! Jordan	2004-05-03 19:23:54
Country Music	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, Wonderful sharing of country music. I am not familiar with "Save The Last Dance For Me". But I am sure it tickles your heart. God Must Be A Cowboy? I hope I can find that piece! Do you play a guitar? of any instruments? Nice to hear you hum and sing in this piece, Marcia! Jordan	2004-05-03 18:57:20
japanese verse 45 (Stream)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, I love the picture of the stream, splendid! Like the phrase "shoulders of mountains" as well. Erzahl's fresh verses Midst the wonderful garden Blooms to readers' mind Thanks for sharing, Erzahl. Goodluck! Jordan	2004-05-03 18:49:59
Baby In The Grey Cloud	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, This is a significant topic that should awaken people especally the women. THis issue rampant nowadays, sad to note. Your poem is expressed in a very figurative manner but the essence is very clear. THat is the strong point of the poem. The metaphor is powerful. You've created a concrete visual here. Readers see it very well like in the second stanza: "Stars noticed the scrap of her and broke heaven’s confidence. They whispered her destiny into unbelieving ears." Allits and assonance are also wonderful ingredients in this poem. "Her message went to the child on the street, whose desperate hunger she still felt in the marrow of her bones." Very very sad! The emotion is expressed deeply so that it is felt. Everything is crafted finely. Nothing to suggest here, Marcia. Outstanding piece! THanks for sharing. Kudos! Jordan	2004-05-03 17:39:22
Come Walk With Me	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, Very religious poem! I mean, this speaks of your true faith! Once again, your words are becoming striking for me, your descriptions are exquisite, I mean you add my vocabularies liek the word "giddy"! Hehe! This poem is participating to the readers. I hope my faith is the same as yours, strengthened. Sometimes, I feel unworthy when I remember the mistakes I've committed. But is part of growing up and learning things in my life. But for sure, I will have the desire to come and walk with you to frolic in His festival of awe. The only unwanted thing I see in the poem is the use of apostrophe in "it's". Bu that is not a big deal. Thanks for sharing, Marilyn. Jordan	2004-04-30 18:18:20
I Took You With Me	Rick Barnes	What a sweet piece, Hi Rick! I have read Marcia's lovely piece and I should continue the lovely thoughts to flare in my heart and mind as I read this. The title alone says everything that draws a woman's heart! LOL! And your first input is more than inspiring: "You have never known That you alone have been beside me Through so many travails." Straight from the heart.... And the last time I saw the my future -- (I think the article "the" is unwanted here.) And the lines continue to be lovely until the end of your poem. Simple words but striking and powerful to gain a woman's heart! I will consider this putting in a card and send it to the one I love! Thanks for sharing the lovely lines, more of it, Rick! Jordan	2004-04-30 18:03:29
Changing With The Changes	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, Your poem bruites love! It is a privilege to have read this from you. I am in love nowadays and I can really appreciate the thought. So that was telling her he loved her, wasn’t it? I think so! Hehe! The metaphors are lovely. "For her, he was the book she could not put down. For him, she was the dream that came without sleep." The ideas are fresh for me! I can apply it when I compose a love letter to my one and only. (she was the dream that came without sleep). LOL. And there is love in Mathematics as you say: "Together, they had been more than the sum of their parts; apart, less than half." I enjoyed this very much! Thanks for sharing, Marcia! Jordan	2004-04-30 17:53:49
Blue Dragonfly	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Auntie Joanne, I remember your previous submission about the spider. Now, you personified the dragonfly interestingly. How you manage to see the things around you in intimate details. You have a keen eye for observing things in your surroundings. The throwing of the questions is a nice way to make the readers participate on the idea. The only thing that made me pause to provide a suggestion is the last line: "How you gratify my splendor hunger!" I think "splendor" should be adjective. Not sure. Anyways, this poem makes urges me to observe my surroundings so I can write about it in my next pieces. My themes as of this time are love and family. Thanks for sharing this, Auntie Joanne. Have a wonderful day, Jordan	2004-04-30 16:43:17
Learning to Fly	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, What a great piece of bringing up the idea of learning to fly! I see the scenario of that elderly lady spreading hands while smiling hugely! How many minutes did she do it? I am just having fun with your poem. Thanks for bringing the joy and the great idea of learning to fly. It speaks of freedom one wishes. I hope I can learn to fly. Why can't people fly? Just a thought! Jordan	2004-04-28 19:28:26
Haiku (She Digs It)	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, The visual in your senryu is fun! Grandma rocks out! My grandmas could no longer rock out, they are gone to see God in the second life. The format rocks completely with 5/7/5 syllabication. I like the assonance and alliterations present. They tune up to the mode of the poem. No more words to say, I enjoyed this much! Good luck for this month's contest. I still have to catch the rest of your submissions to get a choice for my fav. Jordan	2004-04-28 19:20:37
Between Seventeen and Eighteen	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, Funny ending with: "She is just a girl....oh man she froze to death, better call 911." I just enjoyed reading this story. I think the she is you? or maybe your daughter. If she is your daughter, you recognized her being a girl, her frailty. Everyone commits mistakes and it is part of growing up, the learning process. I too sometimes want to be independent but I realized that I need other's advice. This is a good realization. By the way, I like your descriptions here: "A gelid and heartless wind invaded her gaunt sanctuary. Its gust, razor sharp, sliced and pricked her sparsely clad body." Fresh and new! Thanks for sharing, Marilyn. Keep sharing your wonderful and significant pieces. Jordan	2004-04-28 18:36:19
japanese verse 44 (Cross)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	I understand your you in your additional notes, Erzahl! It is just an expression of faith and everyone is entitled and should express his/her faith. Yep, I agree that the cross is the emblem of faith that is why we execute the sign of the cross. A straight line towards heaven...this is a belief. A cross is a way for us to see heaven. Christ died on it for us to be saved. Thanks for sharing this senryu! A timely one for the Holy Week though my critique is not timely. Jordan	2004-04-28 14:44:55
The world is wet.	Jane A Day	Hi Jane, This poem gives me a wishful moment. Feeling under the rain is such a wonderful experience. Rain is a blessing above. It gives survival to all the living creatures on earth. This is short but very very succinct and this glimmers in its beauty! Thanks for sharing your wonderful artistry. Jordan	2004-04-27 19:30:44
ABC's of Life	Mick Fraser	Prosy? Interesting, Mick! I like the way this piece is presented. The influx of your words just flow nicely throughout as I read. The inclusion of the proper nouns like Aesop's fable and soon also enhanced originality. Everyone has an ABC's of life and it is through realizing our own self that we begin to know it. Thanks for sharing, Mick. How about your ABC's in life? Write on. Jordan	2004-04-27 16:41:24
Creature Comforts	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, I am glad I see your submission for this month. I like this one. It has fresh ideas and concept. I can relate the situation in your life when you can compare it like the cats. I also have that times in my life when I want to be lieft alone but did not have the time when I was furious like what you described. My favorite line: "My water bowl is filled with whisky lapping up liquid that is my catnip always after laying on my favorite recliner" What a good time! I like the alliterations water/with/whiskey and lapping/liquid. Thanks for sharing, it is a privilege to have read your poem. Jordan	2004-04-26 18:18:30
japanese verse 46 (Hyenas)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, This is funny! I chuckle with laughter as well like the hyenas but I am not a scavenger ha! You are so clever on this one! Have you personally seen hyenas and cheetahs? I only see cheetahs on tv, in mountain dew ad! Man, thanks for sharing this! Jordan	2004-04-23 12:06:00
In This Light I Am Blue	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi T (as in Tom), I got the picture, thanks for the site. It is Uranus! Lest one day you walk into Jupiter! How about the picture of it? Hehe! "Detonate the both of us into solar system-ic dust" Oh, you will be drifted into Black Hole and never come back again! But that is ok because it is both of you. How dangerously sweet! I just love your Physics and Astronomy here! Jordan	2004-04-22 19:27:17
Instructions for My Burial	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Aunty Joanne, I am scared with your title "Instructions for My Burial". My mind seems to refuse to respond this kind of stimulus. When our loved ones mention regarding this matter, we usually cut his/her words. Of course, as much as possible we want tehm live forever. But it is a reality. Going to that state of our life is gonna be mournful but we must face it and be ready with it. Let me reread.... I could not critique further, Aunty Joanne, nor share to you my own instructions. I am scared for now to talk about it! I am not yet satisfied with life and still longing for my favorites that I could include them in the instructions. But I would keep note of that instructions of yours, for sure! Thanks for sharing this (If I'm gonna think about it) melacholy piece. Jordan	2004-04-22 19:13:51
Majourney Well	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi Thomas, This piece of you strikes me most! The length is short unlike the previous submissions. This is cute, I would say! I am pleased with the abstractness of the poem especially in the second stanza where you have the line "hung above the cradle’s bow" --- very nice to visualize. And the metaphor is striking, the wind, the rudder. Laconic, but nicely done! Jordan	2004-04-21 11:26:19
Nightfall	Mark Andrew Hislop	Hi Mark Andrew, First time to critique your artistry. I have read all your submissions and I believe in your way of expressing your thoughts and feelings. Your skill is also adroit in haiku as this one is striking to me. I love the splendid image that is not hindered by the form 5/7/5 syllabication. The first line highlihgts a wonderful sibilance and it continues in the third and last line. The inclusion of the action word is enlivining. And I love phrase "earth's breasts". Thank you for giving us a nice touch of your haiku. I won't change anything on it. It stands powerful. Jordan	2004-04-20 16:07:41
As Circles Close	C Arrownut	Hi Gayle, I am so glad you are back with your strong strike of poetic ingenuity. We miss it for quite sometime. I considered your poems before to be head-cracking, (smiling), I mean it is hard to me to grasp the meaning as you can notice that I was groping with my critiques. But I have the gut to try understanding it. This one is another interesting poem which is based on facts and your opinions are so strong to manifest. The title "As Circles Close" is very catchy. This could be a metaphor or an interesting analogy. After I read the poem, I could say that it takes a MIND to come up with this poem. A mind equipped with knowledge of history and science. And this mind is not only founded with education but with the ability to squeeze things for reasons and explanations. You talked about the fact and the reason of this fact. "Each circle completes because a new one must begin, even though each renewal becomes lost in nature’s law of repetition." Very interesting correlation of history and natural science if I am not mistaken (hehe!) I can think of the law of Physics. Even how poignant the emotion on earth, it is still subject to the laws of Physics? I am getting sense here? Smiling! Thank you so much for sharing this Big piece, Gayle. Looking forward to reading more of your submissions. Jordan	2004-04-16 18:31:35
Hat Language	Marcia McCaslin	Hi Marcia, I am excited to give input on your poetry because this is my first time. I have been reading your poetry since the last month's submissions and I believe in your poetic ingenuity. This one is rife with symbolisms. The hat you are talking about represents dignity, service, heroism and valor. The first thing that popped up in my mind is that the dignity of those people working under the heat of the son. This made me remember of my father and grandfather who both farmers. They both wear the hat of dignity and loyal service to their family. The poem is descriptive and I like the presentation. It is easily followed as you give a lot of instances the reader can think of association the idea of a hat. Thus, Hat Language, as the title is apt. The theme is significant as it applies to real life especially of men. The poem manifests originality in style and concept. You included proper nouns like Stetson cowboy hat, Old Comfy Slipper status, Star Spangled Banner, etc. What will become of the old hat? A very interesting question which makes the readers ponder and see the significance of a hat in one's life. May we'll do our best to wear the hat that declares the Glory of God! Thank you very much for sharing, Marcia! Looking forward to critiquing the rest of your submissions (they are way down my list --because they are outstanding!). Jordan	2004-04-16 13:31:20
Life Support	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, I critiqued the revised version on this so I am just curious how the revision was made. You just have two things I see that was revised, the omission of "My" and the addition of the apostrophe in the last line. I appreciate it! And thanks for the explanation you provided on your reply to my critique of the revised version. Thank you very much! Jordan	2004-04-07 20:18:11
Memories of Bertha	Sherri L. West	Hi Sherri, Please allow me to read and critique your poem which scores high so far. This is your first attempt at poetry? You should be inspired Marilyn, your mom? This one is a great piece commerating your grandma. My two grandmas are in already in their second lives, this poem made me miss them. The closest to me was the mother of my father. I remember she always claimed before she was very proud of me. So sad was her death, she was drowned in the river and it was so tragic. No, I don't want to tear. That's enough. Your words show how close you are with your grandma. The first line "The smell of coffee, with cream and sugar, reminds me of you." is sweet. I am sure your grandma would start reading it with a big smile. The first stanza is just about the love of your grandma which is no compare. Our grandmas should be that magnificent that they do everything to make us special. Some are not, though. You surely have unforgettable memories with your grandma with all these hill strolling, horse riding, cake baking and so on. Thank you so much for sharing us the magnificent your grandma. And congrats for this first poetry accomplishment. Write on. Jordan	2004-04-02 16:48:34
By the Pond	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Auntie Joanne, Oh, you remind me again of the playing and gliding! Smiling. It is relaxing to be in the pond watching these animals in the full glory of nature. It is nice to see the stalks of wild iris like green-dressed sentries greet wandering geese. What a splendid imagery and the use of the simile and personification is lively! Assonance and allits are reinforcing the sound. Now the ducks! Oh, the ducks! I am in the playful mood again! The seconcd stanza is a relaxation, bad emotions can be released totally while seeing the nascent yellow buds springing. You have made it again, Auntie Joanne! As always, no doubt. I want to shout more! Jordan	2004-04-02 13:11:29
The Fiasco In Me	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, I'm glad to see your free verse for the second time. The 1st I critiqued from you was the Lethal Letter and it was about a social issue. Right now, you shared your personal self to us and this is a significant theme to consider. The title is "The Fiasco In Me" striking for me because of the word "fiasco" which is my first encounter. I researched it of course and it is apt for it means "failure". Thus, The Failure In Me, thanks for adding my vocabulary. You powered up this poem with the use of metaphor and the use of concrete visuals. "My whiteness is blinding Peel me now and you’ll see the blackness of mud Decaying from the inside Hidden so many many years" Your words are factual that apply to anybody. The metaphor "My whiteness is blinding" is fresh for me and it works here. It speak of the good physical appearance of man but in the inside part there is a blemish. In the second stanza, you recognize the real innerself and the outerself is concealed by the appealling appearance just like when you are applying perfume. Nice metaphor again. This is also a recognition that human as we are, we are not perfect. The throwing of questions in the last stanza is effective to make the readers participate on the thoughts and I myself is pondering on the those questions making my own innerself recognition. Thank you for sharing. Jordan	2004-04-01 19:48:11
Tranquil in the Wind	Debbie Spicer	Hi Debbie, There is tranquil in the wind yet your words seem to gracefully dance amidst tranquility. You've presented in less words. Straightforward but effective. When I read first the title "Tranquil in the Wind" -- I can sense the calmness of nature that makes me relax. Good title for the piece, indeed! "So delicate is the human being Seen tranquil in the gentle wind" It is true in nature that human being is delicate in terms of emotional aspect. His emotion can easily boil to a magniture in many aspects. And it is nice of you to have it observed it in the tranquility in the wind. "Keep them safe in fair and neutral hands Be careful not to quell their tender limbs They may raise a soul to peaks unseen" These three lines described human nature. The use of imperative is effective as it is participating that way. No wordy critique here, you've done it well. Clever! Best regards, Jordan	2004-03-31 15:04:06
"The Passion"	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, While reading this piece I can feel the great suspense and I am frightened, giving a goosebumps in my skin. I responded that way because I am seeing at large the terrible Passion of Christ. That is the greatest pain that no man can ever sacrifice himself. I also feel my unworthiness as I recognize my sins. We always comment human as we are... How great Christ is. He descended as a human and suffered terribly! You put everything lively in a poem what is contained in the movie "The Passion". There is thrill, action and terror in your words. "reluctant eyes transfixed on the screen before me" --- this is frightening. I feel the revenge of a person being treated terribly. The threw a question that is participating: "How could His acts of all consuming and unselfish love foster such an insane rage?" This is a great realization that would awaken each one of us. "Take, eat, this is My body" --- Great is the Lord! Sinful as we are still he wants us to share His body for us to be saved. We are all in awe realizing this. This is a powerful stanza for me: "My aching and tormented heart could only sob with each glancing blow. Every muscle and fiber of my being clenched fist tight. In the end I could only whisper..." Great is your response to this Passion of Christ. And I whisper the same... "Forgive me God, for I have sinned against Thee." We humble ourselves to God, asking for His forgiveness and we believe He has the heart to embrace us again after we sin. What a great piece this is! Thanks for this awakening piece. Jordan	2004-03-29 18:09:16
japanese verse 43 (Destiny)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, There seems to be mystery in this piece! I mean it seems hard for me to uncover the the meanings for your phrases "Prodigy of our shadows" and "Path of our footprints". Yup, we are what we are and life seems to be both simple and intricate in the sense that sometimes we came up with some questions on our existence, the way we are (maybe the way we wanted to be). For me life is God's existence in us. And if there is mystery that I find in my life (when I began to question about my existence), I would just say, God knows it, and I just left it to God! Thank you so much for sharing us this piece, it makes my mind to ponder on my life, who i am, I am not "I Am Who Am"! hehe. Best regards, Jordan	2004-03-29 12:03:08
I Wanted To	Sandra J Kelley	Hi Sandra, This poem is rife with intimate emotions that somehow brought about your feeling towards that person (I assume this is based on your experience.). The release of emotions is effectively done so that the readers also feel it. This is reinforced by the use of nice imageries and good descriptors, figurative phrases, and some poetic devices. The poem stands powerful in its intent and message. The only little thing to consider are the mispelled words like surronding - surrounding, stuble - stubble, abraiding - abrading, and beathing - breathing. Maybe you were drown by your emotions when you were writing this. Not a big deal. You have effectively started and ended the poem. It started the setting which initializes the emotion to be felt by the readers: "Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets surronding me, listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you." You used the sibilant hum with satin/sheet/surroundings. It give an evocative audio. The descriptors you have here are nice: "half-mad eyes", "tumbled hair" and "torn tee shirt", etc. I was a feature writer in our school before so I appreciate your use of adjectives. The second stanza ends with an ellipse from the title which makes one to ponder what it is. Somehow, this poem wants to unveil a mystery. The third stanza is so great in its descriptors. It has an ablazing fire. Kinetic! "I wrote poems about Lake Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out." --- wonderful line! this person should have inpired you in your writings. And the thrill of I wanted to...is unveiled in the ending. Great poem worthy to be included in an anthology. Congratulations, Sandra. Thanks for sharing. Jordan	2004-03-28 07:44:29
What Missing You Means	Rick Barnes	Hi Rick, Love is what abounds in this piece. The missing of one's muse? This is for me! I have been missing my girl and it is almost a year that we didn't see each other. She is now very far from me and it is almost hopeless to see her since she is already in the convent! I dare forgetting her but I couldn't. I always miss her everyday and it has become my everyday wish to replenish my miss to her. Indeed, it means a lot missing her. The poem stands simple and its simplicity becomes the force to touch this reader's heart. "Wrapping our arms around nothing but hope," --- how sweet! I hope we mutually take this with my girl. I, does for her, in dreams! And we drained every dram of dream --- this line is fresh, the allit is good to hear. "It is only now, without the dreams, That I really know What missing you means." How I wish I had written this piece. I should print this and send this to her by courtesy of you! And indeed I know what missing your poem means! Thanks for this piece, it is absolutely dear to me! Jordan	2004-03-26 10:14:45
japanese verse 42 (Pollination)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, This is simply nice and lovely. The characterization of Romeo and Juliet is great. They speak of love that most of us know. The use of two adjectives "handsome" and "prettiest" is simply the finest. But I am thinking of putting 's' in "Juliest" or simply use "pretty" because there is only one Juliet Romeo loves. Just a thought. For Claire's generosity? No doubt! THanks for sharing this. Jordan	2004-03-22 10:00:46
Spring is Born	marilyn terwilleger	What a splendid poetry you have here, Marilyn! After I read this poem, I am in awe, wondering how you come up such wonderful artistry. The energy your poem gives is superabundant. Its most striking feature is the choice of words, phrases and descriptors which comprise a very exquisite linguistics. The title alone "Spring is Born" is splendid and has a lot of images to paint! Twilight of winter warbles an ode to spring ---- [allit 'w' makes a powerful sound here] as the sun fawns above earth and ----- [wow! what a personification of sun! THe sun is really exhibiting affection!] shines it's ardent brilliance o'er ---- [brilliant, but I think you need "its" without the apostrophe] sober valleys and singing grasses ---- [wonderful sibilance!] In the first stanza alone, it is rife with poetic devices that entice readers! "Naked trees bask in healing rays of spring's dawn. Shivering earth -- [I am thinking of deleting "spring" here, just "dawn", just a thought inhales the virgin air and --- [very refreshing descriptor with "virgin air"] breaths life into buds of guile" --- ['b' allit is breathing, it gives a tone to the idea of breathing!] Nice phrasing with "belching spasms of wind" and "yammering of winter birds". These two lines are greatly alliterated: born are dainty bonnie butterflies --- [bbbb....really amazing!] and red robins rejoicing in splendor --- ['r' is resounding! nice imagery! The final lines are even more amazing: "the pita-pat of rain bedews the boisterous leaves and festive petals" --- so impressive is the language! Marilyn, you gave me a standing ovation, here! I am already tired of my work, and your poem is energizing me together with the poem (Spring Quarted) of Auntie Joanne which I have critiqued a while ago. Kudos to this work! Write more of this! My final exclamation, WOW! Jordan	2004-03-19 18:34:30
Spring Quartet	Joanne M Uppendahl	Hi Auntie Joanne, This is a reveberating poem! It has the sound and view I wanna hear and see during that season! These sounds are all in our province! You made me desire to go back to our province again! The title "Spring Quartet" is simply the best title for the piece because the first word speaks of the theme and the second word speaks for the form. You are so poetically genius, Auntie Joanne! The picture of the mallards is envigorating. I think I have mentioned to you before that in our province I was having fun running after the ducks in the rain! It was my childhood days. The second quarted also has an energizing effect to this reader. Nice description with "ruffle white cloaks above orange knees". The third spring quartet is also wonderful. But sometimes the croaking of the frogs is a little annoying, but most of the time it can "lull" you to sleep. "then I float in their black water, while the white moon wanders looking for her mate." Nice ending, the spring quartet you described really makes one to sleep soundly. This is another wonderful treat, Auntie Joanne! May you continue to bring us delight with your wonderful poetry. Blessings, Jordan	2004-03-19 18:06:36
japanese verse 41 (Rainbow)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, I'm glad I caught your verse before it goes down my list! Hehe! This is verse 41 already, how prolific you are in your verses! What a grand picture you have here! There are three exquisite descriptors you have discovered again, "spectrum of hope", "plethora of tears" and "heaven's cheek". You really have a plethora of figurative speech and descriptors! Am getting the use of plethora correctly here? Hehe? Plethora means superabundance, right? Honestly, this is my first encounter to this word. I absoulutely like the use of "spectrum" here! You know why? This is a Physics term! Readers SEES your poem in magnified view. And the personification is great. This truly brings a smile to the readers. And in the heaven's cheeks where the spectrum of hope smiles is so splendid. You unbeatable, Erzahl! Thanks for making me smile. I am about to take calls now! Hehe. Jordan	2004-03-15 09:52:40
Poems I Cannot Write	Sandra J Kelley	Hi Sandra, Though you can't write love poems, but you can write LOVEly images to make a poem lovely as this one. As for me, I usually write love poems. Maybe because I still in my twenty's where love and admirations abound. And if you're inlove, you usually write love poems. Anyway, congratulations to your making of book. I hope it would be realized as soon as possible. Back to your poem, it is rife with splendid imageries that entice this reader. It is always refreshing and relaxing watching beautiful sunsets and waves but I am afraid of lightning! Hehe! The inclusion of the proper noun Lake Ontario manifests originality. I like the use of question to end the poem. It makes the readers participate to the thought. The image it throw is wonderful "snow can fall on an almost clear moonlit night". The only line that makes me think of suggestion is: "it is blankets of snow forming", you are using "it" which is a singular, so maybe making "bankets" singular without an 's'. Or maybe, "they are blankets". Not a big deal though. Overall, the poem stands strong in ints splendid imagery and nice presentation. Do you have a website where we can probably view your works of anthology? Jordan	2004-03-14 00:04:22
reflections	Robert L Tremblay	Hi Bobby, You are entering my period of Great Despair? Oh, is there such a stage of life like that? Well, problems maybe the cause of great despair or I am thinking of the stage of adulthood when one is already incapable of doing things. But that is life. No one is excempted! Thanks for sharing us your sentiment. I perceived this one as spiritual reflections. It speaks of mature thinking and discernment. And it takes a wise mind to come up with this. This is a great realization that makes a person inspired to do his best: "To all of the world's problems; the Savior was once born," And it is a truth that Christ came to bring peace and harmony to all His creation. This shows your great faith in Christ. We all do Christians recognize Him as all-knowing and omnipotent. What a grea reflection here: "Without God, the world would be a lonely place,indeed;" I am also thinking sometimes in my reflections, what if God is not present to our lives? That's why I commented when you said "period of Great Despair". I like the association of nature in your reflections. Nature is a manifestation of God's presence on Earth. I especially like the line: "The stars that orchestrate the grand Symphony at night," Great imagery and a delight to visualize. Thank you for sharing your reflections, Bob! Jordan	2004-03-12 10:13:43
Screenplay	Donna L. Dean	Hi Donna, First of all, I am glad you are back! It seems you have been very busy with business or somethings...Anyway, the first thing that strikes me first glancing on this poem is its terseness and neatness. With only 20 lines, you said the idea of screenplay. The theme is fresh to me, describing a script for a movie, including descriptions of scenes and some camera directions....interesting to note. But you could be telling a metaphorical sense. I am intrigued with the juxtaposition of contrasting description "authenticity" and "fake". I can think of the issue on plagiarism as you mentioned "Parellel Crime". By the way, I consider the spelling "Parallel". Alliteration of 'b' in "Boomerang blowup" seems to suggest a soundtrack and also in Cassandra's/Crisis/Cracked. Nice highlight. This phrase "Secrets buried in dirt" appears to me as an idiomatic expression. That deepens the thought adding to the profundity of the ending. Thanks for sharing, Donna. If you have a special motivating factor behind the composition of this piece, I would appreciate your telling. Write on! Jordan	2004-03-11 15:24:55
Sable Shadow	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn, How I am privileged to catch up your fresh submitted poem! You are the STAR last month and we are proud to have you in the link. After reading this poem, what I observed is that your writings are getting more and more quality. I mean the language you put in is getting more exquisite and it I am more impressed. In the title alone "Sable Shadow", I like its choice. The use of the descriptor "sable" is very apt to reinforce the feeling of sadness, connoting mourning. Instead of stating "Dark Shadow". And the sibilance 's' is haunting me. Some words that impress me are the use of "capricious", "antipode", "nocturnal id", "tenacious incubus", etc. They are just the perfect descriptors for your theme. My only little suggestion is making "drum beat" a one word "drumbeat" and maybe the use of the punctuations because in the last stanza you use periods but not in the last line. Very well crafted. Thanks for sharing, Marilyn! More of your good-haunting poetry! Jordan	2004-03-11 15:03:36
Compassion	Debbie Spicer	Hi Debbie, I'm glad to see your submission again. And oh, this one is a magnificent inspiring message to the persons who once inspired you and will continue to inspire you as you continue living. I know the painful experience before, I kept on reading the updates in the forum usually given by JoMo. Your words are very true and straight from the heart. In our life we shared moments/experiences from people and we learned to be more thankful, merciful and compassionate to others. You have made a life-sharing thought here. You have lovely start: "I beheld the tenderness of your eyes Once you knew of my invidious past." But recalling the past seems to bring sorrow as you had a painful experience. But I know that you are recalling those days with great realization that you are loved. "You accepted me as your friend Essential in emending my self-esteem." --- Friendship is what makes our life enjoyable and meaningful. How thoughtful your words are! As you nicely started the piece, you ended it with an acceptance to life to journey on. "Clemency lives and breathes in you I will stand in splendor and journey on" It is inspiring to note! We hope we continue to live in the light of God's love. Thank you for sharing, Debbie. Write on! Jordan	2004-03-11 12:05:11
At The Mammae of Modernity	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi Tom, I should hurry up before this piece goes down to my list! Ah, this is a dedication to mothers, especially to Ups and BJ? How nice of you to be inspired. I can see that your submissions so far are themed with mothers. What a significant theme to tackle about. This one speaks of the nobility of a mother. We all know their roles in our society. The title "At The Mammae of Modernity" is very catchy! While you were talking of Mary in your first submission which is back in ancient time (but with modern concepts) this one is about the mothern sense of motherhood. This piece has your trademark of form, language and presentation. Authenticity of the concepts is seen here. It is manifested in the use of quotation, proper nouns (like B-B gun for Christmas, Nixon-ized, Clinton-esque, etc.) "I want to bear a child." -- this is a grand wish of a mother. You know I can remember my mom. Actually, we are 10 in the family, 5 boys and 5 boys. It is really a Big family, right? The line "I want to bear a child." was wished by my mom (in unity with my father) 10 times! Hehe! It's fun and nice to think about! In some cases, this wish remained a wish because of impotency (sad to note), hehe! Having a child or children is not only a wish but a gift from above. I like this line "I would sing (La!) for forty weeks." It is very real! The influx of your ideas just flow nicely until you came up with a great ending: "Mommy is a man who forgot to wish for ..." ---- an effectively witty ending! Thanks for sharing, Tom! You are such a prolific writer! Jordan	2004-03-10 14:18:24
The Web	Robert L Tremblay	Oh, this is something different, Bobby! I said different because you made use of the slashes and the I to reinforce the image (making a boundary/lines). Ah, Boustrophedon! As I researched it, it is an ancient method of writing in which the lines are inscribed alternately from right to left and from left to right. Hmm....! The poem is also powered with metaphor that has a practical application in life. The web can mean a trap (could be emotional, spiritual and mental). And this human trap can cause death. As you said, "Humanity can overcome devil's eye" --- this is the essence of it. Thanks for sharing, Bob! If you can give explanation what the poem really speaks! Write on! Jordan	2004-03-10 10:13:17
Passion's Play	Robert L Tremblay	What a graphic poem you have here again, Bobby! One of the good features in poetry is visuals in that the readers can SEE it. Using concrete imageries would highlight it but the visuals of your poetry is doubled and highly concrete because of the use of graphics. The picture of Christ here is in the passion of resurrection. The thorn crown is now replaced with a halo which symbolizes holiness. But I am wondering why the hands are still the same position when he has the thorn crown. Just a thought. The poem starts with a humility recognizing the Father. Spirituality is once again the essence of your poem. It shows your faith and I salute to you for that! You should be a great father in your own like as you recognize the Father above. The descriptors you have are nice to visualize: "Shoulders overlapped on timbered oak dry, wearied by dusk and twilight’s sweet mourning, purple stained palms dripping dampered dawning, witness, I, to Holy obedience; sublimated by natural cadence, metered deftly by Divine assembly, orchestrated so high note is trembly." So poetically done! It shines in magnificence! Thank you for sharing, Bob! You have a great piece as always! Jordan	2004-03-09 19:25:12
Terra Incognita	Mell W. Morris	Hi Mell, I am glad to see your great submission again. What kind of quirks you experienced and you came up with this arcane feeling? Hmmm....ah, this is dedicated to 3 persons. Intriguing! It seems that you shared a common neuronic activity, huh! Terra Incognita? Hmmm...it brings me to the world of latin! Is it? I envy your new or unexplored field of knowledge! The metaphor is working powerfully throughout. The imagery brings about the dogwood initializes the tone of the poem. I like the mention of "Guinness event", it suggests originality. The throwing of questions is participating and I am imagining how it feels greatly to the persons being dedicated. I especially like the questions: "Do musical instruments produce colors with their sounds? Do tubas always bellow yellow for you, too?" Music lover as you are, you can relate things like this! Liked the harmony created with "bell---ow" and "yell----ow", just like "Mell---ow"! Great! "My life is filled with unwilled happenings that tap into neural cells and I cannot understand that which wells in my own brain nor do I know my place, if one exists, in the grand scheme of our universe...all queries and no responses." Who specializes the field, biologist or psychologist? That is the arcane feel of it! This is a mysterious poem! Thanks for sharing this with us, Mell! Would you mind the tell me a little the motivating factor behind the creation of this piece?	2004-03-09 16:22:41
Life Support (Revised)	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, You are portraying a different kind of life here. The person is realizing about his life and it is just as practical as common people do. Life Support? I could just realize that to be happy with life is not found on material things. The deeper essence of life is the people around you, friends and so on. These people are greatest life support. The use of metaphor is powerful. I can feel the hard texture with the slat, wood...etc. It sets up the tone of the poem. "yet Harps could be found everywhere and so could slat-sharing friends" --- new concept of idea. I like the use of harps to be the real instrument to savor the life with joy and happiness. Thanks for sharing this revision, Mick. It is greatly appreciated. By the way, congratulations for you previous submission "For Mom". The idea of wood/slats is somehow present there and so with here! Write on. Jordan	2004-03-09 14:15:25
Swimming With Mary	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi Tom, How magnificent this piece is! It talks about HER, the one and only mother of all. Spiritually, it speaks greatly! Her holiness left an indelible imprint. Socially, it speaks of women especifically mothers who somehow live the same way as Mary did. Those who know how to drown in suffering for the welfare of others. So great! So magnificent! I run out of word but I am swimming in awe in this piece. This deserves more than an Olympic gold for swimming! Hehe! Jordan	2004-03-08 21:20:02
One Just Bell	Rick Barnes	Hi Rick, I am wondering why this poem appeared again in my critiquing list when in fact I have critiqued this and you have replied me already with this one!	2004-03-07 02:19:08
A Growing Appetite for Spring	Joanne M Uppendahl	Auntie Joanne, I have critiqued this one why is it appearing again to my list? I wonder why? Jordan	2004-03-07 02:16:22
Just Like You	Mick Fraser	Hi Mick, First of all thanks for sharing this piece that commemorates the passing of your loved one. It is somehow hard to talk about it since it once gave you a time of sorrow about his loss. But your poem shows us the acceptance and it is a tribute to him. Just like you brings a lovely impact. The simplicity of your words are manifested and makes this piece strong in its thoughts and messages. The sincerity is also shown from your words. I could also say that the ideas you have here are original based on your personal relationship with this person. All I can say is this piece is nicely done with the smooth influx of your words. I am thinking of making a piece like this that would talk about me and my father, the differences and commonalities. Thanks in advance for the inspiration. By the way, Mick, congratulations on your piece "For Mom". It is on my list. Jordan	2004-03-02 14:57:31
japanese verse 21 to 40 - Second Collection	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Erzahl, Thanks for submitting this collection. I am so glad to see all these in a splendid parade! My favorite? Of course, the top one is the "Top". You know the story! Hehe! Funny! My number 2: Breeze, because it tickles me a lot and it is wonderful experience for me in the province 3: Tide, because I like being at the seashore watching the tide, it is a relaxing experience. My wonderful experience is in the 4. Petals --- because I can remember my gf who's now in the convent 5. Will --- it's a food for thought! This is already polished. Thanks for the especial mention of my name. I want to see from you a book of haikus / senryus! Best regards, Jordan	2004-03-01 19:20:53
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