arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: whiffinpoets@shaw.ca

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date
haiku (first light)	Joanne M Uppendahl	Can this be called a haiku quatrain? I have never seen ducks roosting on branches but maybe in your area? It was interesting to read and I wonder why haiku's never make it to the top of a critiquing list! Musta been a sad day when you wrote this one.	2005-11-05 11:50:42
Replica	Dellena Rovito	Yay right on! According to whom, and by whose interpretation? I think you should have titled this "Clones on the highway of life". I liked the line "brand named and grocery chained". Very apro -pos.	2005-11-05 11:42:16
Curtain Call	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	short and to the point. Heart felt moments here and I do hope you will dance and lift your voice to the heaven's and shout, "I'm alive one more day". It is very melancholy. Punctuation: it's s/b its, and life's s/b lifes.Otherwise well said in 6 lines. I like the title but hope it isn't.	2005-11-04 13:19:47
"die hart siyabona" (The Heart We See)	Mary J Coffman	Generally speaking I do not like this kind of repetition; however you worked it in just fine. I like the Afrikkans title...it''s different here on the Link. Good choice.You speak of passion, colours, and warmth for the people. I hope you get to meet with your friend real soon.	2005-11-04 13:12:12
Can I Borrow Your Legs?	laura j dean	Oh Laura I really empathise with you. Being a (retired)nurse I at one time took care of many Parkinson patients. It is really debillitating to say the least and you have brought forth some great feelings about not being able to use your legs...but at least you still have your brains and thought processes. I liked the way you brought this from one day to one hour. If I could I would certainly let you borrow mine. Doesn''t Stephen Hawkings have the same disease? He is one of the great persons of our time with a disability. There was a Canadian about ten years ago that made a round the world tour in a wheel chair. He called it "The Man in Motion" tour and raised millions for spinal cord research. Shoot, can't remember his name. He''s a para. Thanks for posting this.	2005-11-04 11:05:01
After Katrina	Latorial D. Faison	But YOU are a poem! Everything you do and are is a poem. It shows up in the physicality of your writings. You are being heard. Good synopsis of the disaster. There is a Canadian millionaire that is building homes free of charge to house up to 150 persons on the west coast of florida. Forgive me because I cannot recall his name. It was on the news this morning. Peace/shalom, oh now I remember....his name is Jack Stronach. Have you heard of it?	2005-11-04 09:39:56
Crossroads	stephen g skipper	Oh my..i will not go quietly into the night...i shall put up one hell of a fight. at my stage of life (70 years)...I have done a lot but will not, will not set up my cairn. Oh bury me not on the lone prairie the cowboy wailed...are you really at crossroads? You're not that old for gosh sakes!Any way Stephen, you made your point...now get on with living.	2005-11-02 16:19:07
try again- Wild Daisies	laura j dean	Very graphic. Very descriptive of a life in the shadows. This poor woman has to hide. But why did she open the door in the first place, and why didn't she invite you in? No, her life is not for you to understand but to have empathy...that's what counts and it appears that you have done so. The leaving of the daisies tells me you have the compassion. Great title leading into a poem that was well written with an easy flow about it. Thanks for this.	2005-10-29 14:42:28
A Page From My Diary (21/09/05)	stephen g skipper	Well thanks for letting us into your life brief as it is here. I am glad that love has found a (your)home. I understand your plight of the tooth. could it be you took too much pain medication? Too brief...too brief...More please and thank you. Hope you are okay.	2005-10-29 12:02:30
Solitude	laura j dean	Hmm. Wrinkles of age or of worry? I like the line "this room is too full of stillness". Reminds me of the line "the silence is deafening". Silence can be an akward thing at first until one can find themselves centering. You started off by saying "it is finally quiet". It would be nice to let us in to your thoughts a little bit more...like why is it finally quiet?" Thanks loads for the submission and allowing me to critique.	2005-10-29 09:27:27
An Old Leather Chair	Marsha Steed	Well here I was thinking this was going to be a "comfy" poem and you turned tables on me. Good one for doing that...and a twist of an ending. Nicely done in two lines format. Easy read. Surprise ending. My only suggestion is to change "bars and steel" to "bars of steel". I trust that person who's locked away is away for a very long time. Thanks you.	2005-10-29 09:21:15
The Wall	Mell W. Morris	Humpty Dumpty? Pink Floyd? An unfinished symphony? Haven't got a clue to be honest with you. One interesting line..."but the scent of him made her pure verb..." LIke that's far out...way far out for this mind...and I better quit now and give it the KISS methodology for teatment. Rock on~~	2005-10-23 15:46:16
Affliction - Etheree #2	Mary J Coffman	34 words, direct and to the point (I think). Now, the word "chevisance" has thrown me. It's not in my french dictionary nor in my English one either. The closest I have is "chevy" from which you probably made a contraction. It means "a haunting cry" which is what you were probably getting at. Seems this story is about dying and fighting off the inevitable. The leaden chains is certainly apropos. I seem to remember another Etheree of yours, but I can't remember the connection (one of its meanings is "not of this earth). Thanks for allowing me to read this fine piece.	2005-10-22 12:13:57
The Last October	Mell W. Morris	I was just about ready to say...hey typo when I looked up the word bight. That's an interesting word never having heard of it before. BTW, what is the British style of spelling April? Having been brought up in Canada I've never heard of a British style for the word April (not even my Canadian dictionary does). Anyway, your piece reminds me of Fall here in Canada. When I was a kid we used to pile up leaves and jump in them. When my parents moved to Florida when I was 13 the seasons no longer existed but I'm back into it now. No breadfruit trees here though. October only withers and dies in the Northern latitudes. October does bring about pumpkins and apple smells too. Did you know that you can actually smell snow in the air before it happens?	2005-10-17 12:44:46
Crying in a rugby context	Mark Andrew Hislop	Well Mark, I adore this piece. Fuck man, I've been trying to write something like that for years and here you got it down all because of a rugby thing...(did you win anyway?). Yes, it is very sad about your "Nanna"...there is some existential thing between her and the game.>>maybe your team got buried in the score? It was lopsided perhaps? I really liked the flow of this free wheeling piece from computers to Nanna. Enjoyable. Will only the Alpha Male think otherwise?	2005-10-15 14:50:55
Cycle	Latorial D. Faison	It takes two to tango as the saying goes. Is this act of procreation simply for that, or is it because of lust? There has to be more to do, to tell those to use condoms, etc. There is more to this poem than meets the eye...it's not only black babies that don't stand a chance...it's the whole freaking race of the world. Will it ever end? (that's an open ended question).	2005-10-15 11:04:58
Morning Coffee in Mid-June	Jillian K Sorenson	To go along with Goth it's totally black and morose. I am way surprised that Goth (at least where I live) is still flourishing. As a psychiatric Nurse I found these patiens who professed Goth to be deeply disturbed (as you admit to), and I'm glad to hear that you have recovered. This piece starts that a dying child's cough fills you with pleasure...that is unbelievable to know that's what you were feeling at that time. It is evil. I drink in his soul with my morning coffee. I feel it dripping warmly into my stomach, but some.........perhaps "something goes wrong" goes wrongly, choking me, filling my lungs with liquid. Now I know his anguish. It is too late. For a moment, he looks relieved, but now I must give it back.................what? It is too late to remedy. We all must die sometime................yet you thought his death okay? Wow...I don't know what else to say Jillian. To reveal yourself to others on this site is like group therapy I guess for you. Thanks for exposing yourself to others. That takes courage. Good luck in your continued recovery.	2005-10-12 12:24:24
Anatomy	Dellena Rovito	And then proximal is distal, etc. Center's core is medial, etc. That is anatomy...but you gave it a layman's shot. Whatever is left is the guts. Cute.	2005-10-11 10:52:38
Once Upon A Night So Bleak…	Dellena Rovito	I kind of thought it was about Haloween, but as I read on I changed my mind, and then voila - your ending.! Good one. Kept me in suspense. Read it again and had my morning laugh. I think it may need one correction here. Goose bumps covered the surface as an iced breeze passed ...I think "icey" breeze sounds better.	2005-10-11 10:46:41
For when a child sings	Deborah L Bird	Yes...Deborah Church is testament to that. As a former singer I can say yes, I do believe angels smile. Neatly done wrapped up in 9 lines. I would suggest no punctuation at all. Thanks for this. I am not familiar with your work so welcome to the site.	2005-10-10 19:14:40
Gloomy Days	Kimberly A Butterworth	Okay Kimberly. I think you got your point across that you love the fall. Overall impression - good. Your rhyme is a bit off and could use some revision in stanza 3 and 4. Good descriptions of the cold and dreary days upon us. Use of triplets - good, but need work. Thanks for the posting and the chance to review your work.	2005-10-10 11:49:20
Afterglow (an Etheree)	Mary J Coffman	Sensual, delicate love. It's all very mystical wrapped in a shroud...the smells are pungent and' reach my senses. So says this piece to me. Ah the muse of dancing. Dance on lithe one.	2005-10-09 16:40:54
Precedence	Dellena Rovito	My ending would be...let's bomb the shit out of this freaking place and start over!Harsh? You bet 'cause there ain't no going back m'dear (unfortunately). Some people thought smoking pot was bad but let me tell you, meth is dangerous. There are too many idiots out there and they control an awful lot of us behind the scenes. There are no answers except "Get on with it." That's my ending anyway. Take it or leave it. Pink Floyd had a song out (wish I could remember it) that went something like... "the idiots are on the grass..." Okay, anyone remember that?	2005-10-08 13:47:52
Wrath	marilyn terwilleger	Do you really really think this is the devil's work? Quite an abrasive way to tell the story. Good title though.Not quite sure what to think of this piece personally. like hell and parts of earth were swallowed from sight. Mortals fled unguided in this I would take out "unguided in this"...and leave "Mortals fled". gives it more substance. Less is more. Oh s..t I'm rambling and it is late. I'll leave it at that.	2005-10-07 16:53:21
Ah, The Blame Game	Kenneth R. Patton	Not if your thumb holds down the three!! Yeah, you're right...however people in those postions of FEMA and especially your President ought to have performance reviews every month. Thank goodness GWB is out next year!	2005-10-07 12:35:20
Ode To A Younger Me	stephen g skipper	Well, they're all good...most of which were taught to me by my father. He talked to me mostly in parables. May I add one more which I adhere to strongly? Well here it is anyway - Never lock the back door for you may never know who will walk through it that you once shut out and now you may need that person. Okay...now go live your philosophy.	2005-10-06 12:22:16
Senyru 818	Michael J. Cluff	Okay, that makes for a perfect Senyru. Funny one too. But no wonder there is a pink slip on his desk...Companies do not like men to wear green...it's a sign of weakness (true).	2005-10-05 16:04:27
A Scouse Haiku	stephen g skipper	5,7, 5...you got it. Guess the course went well. Better to live in a cold igloo than a warm one huh? Good one Stephen.	2005-10-05 16:00:39
truth	charles r pitts	Wow, really good cinquain. Sharp and cutting brings it right to the fore, and core. One of your best.	2005-10-04 13:55:52
Encyclical	Mark Andrew Hislop	I didn't know you were a proponent of Jung. I've studied his works and love his philosophy. Well done Mark. Well done.	2005-10-04 13:45:50
why?	charles r pitts	In answer to your question = "because". You write and paint a very poignant piece about love gone awry. Unrequited love is the worst isn't it? My suggestion, take the pictures off the wall, re-arrange everything, and soon you will not be "cursing darkness and dawn" anymore. Take a bubble bath. Be well and healthy.	2005-10-04 13:41:15
betrayal	charles r pitts	Yikes! Guess the barber got a little too close eh? Oh yeah I've been there and had that done as the saying goes. Well done cinquain Charles.	2005-10-02 16:21:32
I Am Fred Chapter V	marilyn terwilleger	Another one of your jaunty delicious tales of Fred, but I fear and dread Fred for he may yet succumb to another blow to his head which will make him dead....	2005-10-01 15:42:21
After Katrina . . .	Latorial D. Faison	Another one of your great rants, and I say that with passion and pride for you have a way of voicing your opinion for those who can't voice it themselves. Somehow, when this is all over, (the hurricanes that is), Americans will soon forget...they will forgive, and go on their merry ways. Ain't that the truth!!! P.S.: just an aside here...I am sure that not only "black babies" died...but we will probably never know.	2005-10-01 14:10:27
With Leaves Stirring	Mell W. Morris	Mell, I decided to start at the bottom this time and how glad I am. Your descriptive qualities is magnificent and brings to sight and senses the things you are seeing. To be able to ride upon a horse and see and feel all that must be exhilerating. I am allergic to horses so I must take my cues from someone as yourself. Good quadrains leading to a literal ending.	2005-10-01 11:58:00
Night of the Black Dog - Paradelle(Dark/Halloween)	Mary J Coffman	I have heard of this folk tale before. Yes it can be chilling if you believe in such stuff, but I don't. I am not sure about the repetition of lines here. Perhaps it's some sort of poetry format I'm not familiar with. Perhaps it's really meant to be put to music/song. BOO ! In any case I read it three times. The third time I enjoyed it dark as it is.	2005-09-30 16:03:43
A Night At The Ballet	stephen g skipper	I'm not quite sure what you meant by the left and the right voices. Were the dancers singing as well? I have never heard of that dance company or the ballet itself. I am more in tune with the classics like Swan Lake, Nutcracker, etc. I guess your layout is supposed to emulate the dancers side by side. I personally think you could come up with a better title. Thanks for this opportunity to comment.	2005-09-30 09:09:26
Penetrated	Dellena Rovito	Are you seeing UFO's or what? But I am thinking this must be the VCR light blinking. To be real you must tape it and see it. Once again I hate this script. Am I the only one? I forgot how I was able to change it as I did before. I'm not sure about your title. Sounds sexual. What the hell does all this mean? You are becoming more and more mysterious. Yup!	2005-09-30 09:02:35
Upon the Back of Dragonfly	Mary J Coffman	I wonder why the dragonfly? It's not a very pretty insect but certainly it has unique flying habits. Where I come from they used to be called darning needles of all things. I don't know why. Nicely put and I do like the ending where you go 4, 2, 1. Usually I like to see the poet use other titles than that in the body. Something I learned at a poetry conference. Hark back at me Oh Dragonfly of certainties I once believed.....you are melancholy here. Perhaps it was the long summer days. I wonder what the certainties are that you no longer believe. Glinting brightly, kissed with dew A carpet wove of vibrant hue....................well done Is stretched across the rolling ground For tranquil times, I’m finally bound...........I hope so. Seems you want solice. BTW...no need to capitalize "Realitie's" Thanks for posting.	2005-09-25 17:39:13
Senyru 157	Michael J. Cluff	Oookay...don't understand a word of it, but as you can see I have not skipped over this Seyryu. It's format is perfect Syllables and vowels in all the right places and spaces. Now explain it to me.	2005-09-24 16:29:36
How Boring	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Primary here. Perhaps that's why those so called gods are bored. If your God is Love and Truth, how come it ain't working and I don't say that cynically. Show me one instance in the past years that Your God stopped the maiming, killing, raping, hunger, war, etc...and don't tell me those are all man made things! I have become very cynical as you can tell. Anyway, Medard, you told your tale well and got your point across. How boring indeed!!!	2005-09-24 16:23:41
in honorarium...	charles r pitts	Well first off it's a well constructed poem that rhymes extremely well. You have a very very dark poem here about two brothers, perhaps one is yourself although you don't let on so. I'm not sure what your title refers to - maybe the ones left standing? Not sure also why you're standing outside looking in. Isn't that better than being the reverse? At least you can write about it. I like the comparison between the teat and the bottle. Both are looked on as a source of comfort, perhaps the former better than the other, one better for noursishment as well but both give solice to those doing the sucking. Most want to be held and suckled...the only thing one can get from suckling the bottle is to hang onto the china bowl.	2005-09-21 13:23:12
Senyru (train watcher)	Joanne M Uppendahl	I hope they won't greet you head on! I never knew of a connected senyru...now I know! This kind of reminds me that there is always another deal, another bargain out there just like the train rounding the corner. This is dark...grey, leaden clouds, death, darkness. Wake up Joanne, there is a light there!	2005-09-21 12:20:00
Stars	Dellena Rovito	Okay, I found a way to change the font style. Don't ask me how 'cause I just fiddled and Rome did not play! Aren't you proud of me? No need to answer that...I know you! I remember Astaire and Rogers very well...okay I'm old. It's neat that you put them in the perspective that you did. I had trouble with the para. starting ..."Both captivating...." The next line doesn't fit. Maybe it's the punctuation. Ah yes, we can have a little humility now and then...They certainly were "Stars". Fairly good structure. And yes, I did enjoy your take on them.	2005-09-20 19:22:20
Time Ends	marilyn terwilleger	Ah gee, what can I say about this remarkable cinquain? Well, it's wonderful, and speaks to me even if it is blue. When will time end?	2005-09-20 19:09:01
Rumination on Love #1	Jillian K Sorenson	Oh how funny, and partially true. Well written 'cause you headed me into an ending I didn't see coming. I too prefer fairy tale endings. I don't think I've turned into a toad yet as I can't find any warts! I wonder what your love #2 will be. You must keep us aprised. P.S.: stay in the here and now.	2005-09-20 17:08:38
Last Dream	Rick Barnes	Ah gee, a nice sentimental poem about love. Parting is such sweet sorrow as they say and this poem delicately points that out...yet somehow I gather this was not a mutual parting. The Last Dream is sensitive and caring and wants forgiveness. Good rhyme schemata. Good title to fit. Thanks.	2005-09-16 14:06:42
Clearing Skies	Dellena Rovito	Have I told you I hate this type? It's too hard to read! Anyway, it's light and airey for a change...which is good...the poem that is. Taken from the artist's pallette you wove a nice tale and a promising one of clouds moving on and not clouding your thoughts. I'm glad the skies are clearing. It appears you are getting a sense of inner peace.	2005-09-10 16:21:55
hope	charles r pitts	I was expecting the same format as "love" and was surprised by this. I had a bit of trouble deciding if "delicate" was two or three syllables and so succombed to you because it works well. I guess flowers are a form of hope esp. in the spring. So, your title is fitting. Thanks for this.	2005-09-10 12:14:04
love	charles r pitts	My goodness, you have the first four poems on my list. Quite the melange. You say that love itself at first fits like well-worn shoes. For myself I disagree. Love at first, especially when one is young (teens, etc.)is a flurry of up and down emotions coupled with testosterone and hormonal challenges. All that changes as one gets on in life when the main thing is companionship. So, your last lines about fairy tales is in part, true. Nice documentation here. Simple title. I go on to the next one (if I have time today).	2005-09-10 12:01:47
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date

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