marilyn terwilleger's E-Mail Address: mterwilleger@bresnan.net

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by marilyn terwilleger	Critique Date
A Moment's Day	James C. Horak	Hi James....you have excellent imagery in this poem. Your words do make me pause and reflect at how simple life really is. Days always become the night no matter how we feel or what we desire...the one contant in our lives. However, finding love is not so simple...some fall in and out of it so easy which always makes me wonder how deep their feelings really can be. I like this piece...simple yet quite profound. cheers...Marilyn	2007-05-27 01:14:01
Porcupine	Mark Andrew Hislop	Howdy Mark....I swore I would not crit another poem of yours until you returned the favor..but here I am. I hate it when I cave in that easy. I know this porcupine is a metaphor...a friend, a wife, and old love or maybe even a new one? Who is it that makes you bristle so? "ego and id con staccato"...getting off the track a bit...I worked for a doctor for many years and had my own little lab. Somewhere (don't remember where now) I found a little soft, squishy, toy that was mostly a head with little legs and in a sit down position. I perched him on one of my lab machines and when the doctor asked me why I did that I said it was my id and it needed a place of its own. For some strange reason he just smiled and walked off to see another patient. So my id sat there until the day I quit working or him. What does all this mean? Hell if I know I was just reminded of that when I read your words. Back on track now...your last strophe is the strongest in my humble opinion. One of those endings that makes you sit upright and go ahhhh. Exceptional. I would have reversed the last three words and made it....still, no longer. But that's just me and don't pay attention to my insane ramblings. A very thoughtful piece with melancholy overtones....superb. Hugs....Mazza	2007-05-26 15:59:06
Twilight Flight	Jana Buck Hanks	Hi Jana....you have a plethora of lovely images in this poem. Your last line is breath taking and one I know I will remember for a long time. Sometimes I come across a poem or a line I wish I had written and your line does that for me. There is something so inspiring about flying at night when it seems the whole world is lit up just before landing. I felt as if I was sitting beside you enjoying the view. I was in Charleston, SC just a few weeks ago...such a beautiful place and packed to the brim with history. Love this poem...keep em comming! Marilyn	2007-05-24 16:47:58
The Floor Drum	James C. Horak	Hi James....as I read this poem I had a perfect image of an Indian teepee with the smoke curling its way to the top and out the opening. You will need to tell me what "Quetzechoat1" means. I tried to google it but came up empty so I thinking it may be the name of the Promised One (but then I remember Manatu being a holy spirit) or perhaps it may be the name of the drum. At any rate I like the poem and think it may be more profound than what one may think on the first read. You have a talent for grouping words that make your work a joy to read. Well done. cheers....Marilyn	2007-05-23 15:07:40
Truest Fan	Kenneth R. Patton	Hi Ken....I am happy to see you posted this poem here. If you have been to the forum you know I encouraged you to do so. It is a lovely tribute to your mom who must have been a fine lady. How wonderful that her family was beside her when the Lord called her home. I am so glad you were able to read this poem to her and the rhyming is well done so I know she was pleased. Your line..."The ripple of your life has spread around the earth"...is my favorite and I hope she got to see all her grandchildren. She had a full life and raising 10 children must have been her greatest joy. I know her spirit will live inside your heart forever. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-05-23 14:53:13
GRAMPS resubmission	Gerard A Geiger	Hi Gerard....I'm so glad you posted this again as I missed it the first time and it is a wonderful tribute to your Gramps. He possessed some attributes that are rare in today's world. Sporting Loren Greene sideburns is a exceptional statement and gives this reader a perfect image of Gramps. Not understanding reasons for harming another living creature or destroying a useable thing. These lines say so much about him and wouldn't it be nice if we could all take a page from his book? Well done...I really enjoyed this write. Marilyn	2007-05-17 10:00:56
A Thought for Those in Distress	Kenneth R. Patton	Hi Ken....this is a marvelous poem. I don't know what Myron meamt by the word 'car' either...but for some reason I remember cars were first introduced in 1903 in the USA. I love the rhyming in this piece...he seemed to do it with such ease and rythmn. Were his works ever published? You may have answered that question earlier but I don't remember..(short term memory thingy) If not they surely should be published so a wide audience could enjoy them. thanks for posting these...they are priceless. Cheers...Marilyn	2007-05-17 09:46:23
On A Horse Of Course	Dellena Rovito	Hi D....I love this poem about your Prince Charming...I assume he is yours since you wrote in the first person! I'm still awaiting such an event myself. You wrote this so well...your rhyming is musical and has an easy flow. You have written this with so much humor and I found myself smiling all the way through. Dad-gum Prince Charming anyway...he could have at least slowed down as his trusty steed continued his stride! Love this....one of your best and on my list. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-05-14 17:41:56
Memory Lane II	DeniMari Z.	Hi Deni....well I know that feeling of needing to vent. I sometimes feel sorry for people who can't put pen and paper to their frustrations as you have done so well here. "what was suppose to be my past"....I know from experience that the past never passes. It just hangs around until we think we can deal with it before it rears its head and we have to face it one more time. However, never to love again is really not an option for one as young as you. One should experience all there is (unless it is illegal!) as we never get a second chance at the same experience again. I never read this poem before and am glad you posted it again. Well done. Blessings...Marilyn	2007-05-14 16:01:19
Stone	Mark Andrew Hislop	Hi Mark....hummmm and what lonely task would that be? The task of simply being a stone or perhaps feeling like one is made of stone and therefore is lonely beyond comparison? I know there is a profound meaning to your words, I have read this numerous times trying to glean that meaning but then I am just having a non-brillant day or even an inspired one. This is so thought provoking that it will ruin my entire day! So dare ya go and I refuse to critique another one of your poems until you do the same to one of mine! I'm just kidding I know you are busy or you would be more active here. Anyway, I am pleased that you pop in from time to time. Hugs....Mazza	2007-05-11 16:45:37
Budding Over	Dellena Rovito	Hi D....I want so much for spring to be here on the Rocky Mountain's top but every year I get too enthused too soon and plant some wonderful flowers only to have old man winter make one more appearence. Your poem only makes my yearning more acute! I did buy flowers but they are in my garage! This is as lovely poem written in rhyming couplets. It has good flow and the images are delicious. You must live where spring comes on time! Well done. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-05-10 00:51:51
Do They Make Midoz for Men?	James C. Horak	Hi James....I laughed and laughed at this poem. It is so full of fun and the Q & A style you used is priceless as well as excellent. The question about who Shakespeare was is such a howl and when I read your last line I about fell out of my chair! Actually, you had to know quite a bit about these questions in order to even ask them, let alone answer them. Funny, intelligent and interesting subjects for your next cocktail party! Well done, my friend, well done! Thanks for the giggle....Marilyn	2007-05-08 17:45:25
Transience	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary....this poem is so beautiful that I deny anyone to read it with a dry eye. What a wonderful tribute to your dear friend. Your word choices are excellent and your presentation is flawless (as usual!) You have so many superb phrases that it is impossible for me to single any one of them out, as they are all so lovely. Also your ending is remarkable, which to me, is one of the signs of a well written and memorable poem. Roses for this one....The best I have read in a long time. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-05-01 17:35:21
The Deeper Madness	James C. Horak	Hi James....this is a powerful poem and very thought provoking to say the least. I'm not feeling too smart today so please explain the line....softly so taken as was want, ago. I believe it is Mary who is whimpering over her Son being nailed to the cross. However, 'so taken as was want, ago'....gies me pause. The remainder of this piece is wonderful with good word choices. It is terse but says just what it has to and I agree this act was madness. I'm thinking you wrote this for Easter but somehow I missed it the first time around. Well done, my friend. Marilyn	2007-05-01 17:25:18
Broken Bird	Michael Bird	Hi Michael....I just did an in-depth crit of this poem, hit the wrong key and zapped it out...I hate it when that happens! I am really in awe of this poem. It is clever and innovative and speaks of a tradegy but somehow you managed to give this broken jet life. You have used a plethora of descriptive words and try as I might I can't pick a favorite as that would do an injustice to the remainder of the poem. So let it suffice to say that I love this poem and the way in which you wrote it....a standing ovation for this one. Glad to see you posting here again. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-27 11:22:08
Trigger Man	DeniMari Z.	Hi Deni....it is impossible to imagine what goes on in a person's head that allows them to commit such horrible acts. You have done an excellent job of telling of this horror. I especially like....blood is smeared through a torrent of tears....as I watched the news coverage of this event I tried to imagine the fear and anguish those students went through. I guess all we can do is pray for them to eventually find peace and be able to live with their memories. Well done. blessings...Marilyn	2007-04-27 01:25:01
Borne of May	James C. Horak	Hi James....you know you can win my heart with a nature poem! You have some phrases that really speak to me. Slightly slumbering moscking bird harping song in ustilled note....these are great opening lines as they hook the reader from the get go. "strumpet heat"....new and fresh! "Though in the night upon my bed live is dearer in day's stead"......excellent ending to a lovely poem. You have a very nice soft side that you show us occasionaly! Marilyn	2007-04-25 12:21:20
At Close of Day	Kenneth R. Patton	Hi Ken....oh this is just beautiful. I honestly felt like I was seeing the city through your Great-Grandfather's eyes. He was a very talented poet and I thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to read his work. Marilyn	2007-04-25 12:13:53
Cassiel	DeniMari Z.	Hi Deni...this is an outstanding poem. There is something about it that goes straight to my heart. No black, nor force or undeterred storm Will leave me on my knees Weak or shaky, pale or faintly defeated In my meekness I’ve agreed To withstand even more than ever before While guardians of love tenderly show The best of this world is yet to be the above lines are exquisit and some of the best you have ever written. They show strength and determination which I believe you have. You have endured some sorrowful events, of late, you have risen about them with inner fortitude and grace. Wonderful poem....a standing ovation for this one! Blessings....Marilyn	2007-04-25 11:22:02
New Words	stephen g skipper	Hi Stephen....I am thrilled to see a poem from your pen. I have been gone on vacation so missed this one and just found it today. You have painted some clear and wonderful images and have done so with well chosen words. There is something to like in every line and I cannot pick one over the other without doing an injustice to the rest. On the surface it is a poem about spring and how it is reluctant to grace the land after winter's howl. But then I sense something even more profound. It could easily be a metaphor about life and how we let ourselves idle and hibernate when life becomes too difficult to face head on. Either way it is lovely and I hope you have more in your treasure chest for us to read. Welcome back! Cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-24 16:36:18
In Time...and Out	James C. Horak	Hi James....No doubt you will receive other ideas of who you are writing about but to me it could be no other than our fearless leader...Georgie Bush, himself. Just reading your words makes me mad at him!! A well written rant. I must admit that I had to smile at how perfectly you describe him. If I'm wrong I will just go to my corner and eat worms! cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-24 15:52:25
So Beautiful	Dellena Rovito	Hi D...there is something so melancholy about this poem. It is wonderfully written and it does make me think of how fast our youth disappears. But you are so right....beauty of the heart is the most important asset we can possess. Without that we are just another aging body. There are so many beautiful things in life...it is all around us. One just needs to remember to turn our frowing wrinkles upside down and make them smile lines. Well done, my friend....this is just lovely. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-24 15:43:54
While Taking Notes......	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Hi Paul....it is so nice to read one of your poems and I'm glad you chose to post it here! At first read I thought this poem is just what it says...a day in the life of a student or someone who has gone back to school. But then in my funny brain I began to wonder if it is a metaphor for the way we live our lives. The questions you pose do seem unanswerable and they most likely are. But we all ask them anyway. Do you remember Arnie Watchman? He passed away a few months ago but he was always asking these questions...now I think he wanted to know if death was final or if it is just another journey to get where we are going. I must ponder this piece and the questions! Well done. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-23 17:17:22
Obelisk	Christopher Rhodes	Hi Christopher....this is a superb poem and one I have read several times. Years ago I wrote a poem about a light house and your poem reminds me of it. You have used a plethora of well chosen words that lend perfect images to the mind of this reader. I have tried to pick a favorite line or phrase but I cannot...it would do an injustice to the rest of the poem if I did! Indeed it is sad to think these stately structures will not always stand but it is true that there is an end to everything. "Soft-edged jagged bones will lie untended and forgotten"....such a sad thought. Your ending is amazing...it has just the right amount of melancholy to make it memorable...something all poets strive to do. Welcome to TPL...I hope you like it here and thanks for the opportunity to read your work. Best.....Marilyn	2007-04-23 17:08:19
Came Into Blossom	Dellena Rovito	Hi D....this is a lovely poem and one that I will remember in the days to come before my lilacs bloom. A bouquet on my dinning room table will fill the entire house with a beautiful fragrance. I love..."Lilacs breath is exquisite"....such a beautiful combination of words. You have expressed yourself very well with this poem. cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-22 17:46:49
Autumn morning	Mark Andrew Hislop	Hi Mark....are you taking a page from my book? You know how I love to write about nature so you must know how much this poem appeals to me....well all of your poetry does but this one especially. You have used a plethora of wonderful phrases that create perfect images in my feeble mind. I am at a total loss to tell you which one I like the best as they are all outstanding. Beautiful and elegant...bravo hugs....Mazza p.s. I am going on vacation....I'll come back tan and sassy!	2007-04-11 16:22:10
Didn`t I ?	Michael Bird	Hi Michael....you write down your "random thoughts" pretty well. This is such a melancholy piece and I can feel the sorrow written within the lines. All the time I was reading it I was thinking it should be a song. All you need is a tune for the words. I do have a couple of suggestions....and remember that is all they are just suggestions that you can use or lose. Didn't I hear you call my name this morning?....I would drop 'this morning' for a more even flow in this line and the line farther down also. After "didn't I feel your pain?" I would make a break and let the next four lines stand alone. Then I would also let 'cause your sorrow is all I can see' on a seperate line so you can do the same when the line is repeated as your last line. Then let the next four lines stand alone, as well. Since this may be confusing let me just show you what I mean...I will show the words to delete as () Didn't I hear you cry last night? Didn't I feel your tears? Didn't I hear you call my name (this morning?) Didn't I feel your pain? You tell me you don't love me, But your sorrow is all I (can) see. You need to tell somebody, But don't tell me. `cause your sorrow is all I can see. Didn't you hear me cry last night? Didn't you feel my tears? Didn't I call out your name (this morning?) Didn't you feel my pain? You tell me you don't love me, But your sorrow is all I (can) see. You say you need to tell me, But don't tell me, No,don't tell me, `cause your sorrow is all I (can) see. I think just a few changes, here and there, can enhance the message your are conveying and make it tighter for a more even flow. I am so glad to see a poem from your pen and I hope you will write more. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-08 17:40:31
Winterage	Gerard A Geiger	Hi Gerard....Do you know how much this poem sings to me? I write a lot of poems about Nature and wonders we find there. You have used a plethora of wonderful phrases here that create lovely images in the mind of this reader. I love the notion that Winter does not want to give up his hold on the land..."leaving as an abrasive guest who overstayed his welcome"....these lines are wonderful...I don't know about anyone else but I wish I had written them! Ash gray scalp slipping steadily to baldness.........these beginning lines are attention getters which I think is something all poets should strive for. "Attempting to maintain his dignity"...almost makes one feel sorry for old man winter....but not enough to invite him to stay any longer than he has to! A wonderful poem...well written and memorable....bravo!! cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-05 16:41:24
The Waterwheel’s Complaint	Kenneth R. Patton	Hi Ken.....this poem reminds me of some I have read from Seamus Henely or R. L. Stevenson etc. It is a fine poem...full of fun and so very well written. It is written with a count of 10-8...that rhyme scheme and 8-6 are my favorite type of rhyming. They have such a musical sound and even though I am not a big fan of long poetry this one held my interest not only in rhyme but also content. I would love to read more of his work. Do you know if his work was ever published? It would be a shame if they were not. He was obviously very talented. Thanks for sharing this with us...I will look forward to more. cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-05 16:32:56
Springing	Dellena Rovito	Hi D....this poem just makes me long for Spring all the more....I don't think it is even 50 here today (ugh) I love the image of birds swooping and dancing in perfect form. Also 'leaves unfurl in foliage greens' evokes another good image. "I dance with wind undisciplined" is my favorite. There is something so cavalier about that line. Good poem with great images! cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-04 15:27:00
The Quisling	Gene Dixon	Hi Gene....so nice to read a poem from your talented pen. This is a beautiful sonnet...a poetry form that seems to allude me. The title is perfect for the theme. I have tried to decide upon a line or phrase that could count as my favorite but alas I cannot. Each line has meaning and to seperate one for the other could be called a sin. However, I do like "Judas kiss"....it is quite different and innovative. Your rhyming is impeccable and the flow is like liquid that falls down the page. I admire those poets who seem to be able to rhyme easily when it is such a chore for me. I write a lot of free verse but on occasion will get real brave and write something in rhyme. I love sonnets and you have written this one very well....bravo. cheers....Marilyn	2007-04-03 15:46:06
It Comes To Me	Nancy Ann Hemsworth	Hi Nancy...this is such a melancholy piece but I like every word! It is so true that we all have doubts but only a few can express that fear as eloquently as you have in this outstanding poem. I like the terseness of it...I think a poet should be talented enough to say much with little. Of course the long poems, such as ballads, have their place, as well. I wish I could tell you which lines or phrases I like best but I find that impossible as they are all equally stunning. Your ending is in keeping with the melancholy and doleful theme of this piece. Well done...bravo and red roses! Blessings....Marilyn	2007-04-02 11:55:03
Present Plan	DeniMari Z.	Hi Deni....I am so sorry you lost your job....that is so devastating. I won't even say things could be worse as you have had a hard and painful year and right now you didn't need the loss of job and income to push you down even farther. You did a very healthy thing by writing about this new event in your life. You expressed your feelings quite well but I am sure you probably had a few discouraging words you could have written but decided not to! I don't know what type of work you do but from what I know of you I believe you are strong and nothing can keep you down for long. I am sure you will move past this quickly and perhaps a new job is just what you need. My best to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-04-01 15:39:21
No Strings	Kenneth R. Patton	Hi Ken....If this poem is autobiographical then you are a lucky man and she is a lucky woman! There is nothing more wonderful than just to be loved for who you are and not for the person someone wants to mold you into. I like this poem...it is terse and to the point. No hearts and flowers but just simple words that show love for another. Well done....glad to see you post a poem here again! Marilyn	2007-03-30 16:28:07
Because of Him I Can Wait Patiently	Ellen K Lewis	Hi Ellen...your friend must have been a wonderful man and friend to you. It is so hard to lose a person who gives so much. I like this poem. You did a fine job in giving a good image of him. I just have a few suggestions... He was a disabled farm hand here on earth......drop 'here' who knew more about pain than seems fair.......if this is the end of a statement you need a period here His short life was long. He lays in ashes now...........................comma instead of period here As dust suits a man.......................un-cap 'As' Whose body is shed at last and.................un-cap 'Whose'......drop 'and' His work has been accomplished!................ un-cap 'His'.......drop 'has been' He feels a new peace and then...............drop 'and then' within his soul he feels joy................comma after 'soul'....period after 'joy' In the light that feels no pain ..............drop 'the' he steps softly and discovers He is at his best now!..........................un-cap 'He' He is on top of the world and he isn't looking down.........................drop 'he'....period after 'down' All of his reflections are high...................drop 'of' comma after 'high' vivid in this moment forever......................period after 'forever' He is never forgotten. He is a new man! He is the spirit and soul of the old man renewed and now whole. When we see him again we will know him....................period after 'him' No circle will be broken. Having said all that (bet you are gald I finally quit noodling with this poem!) you have the option of not using periods and let the line breaks serve as the end and start of a new sentence....I think you may have done that. However, you need to be consistant when you use caps to start a new sentence or thought. You are a good poet but you just need to watch your punctuation and flow. By droping the words, you don't need to convey your images, it serves to tighten up the poem and make it flow with ease. These are lessons I had to learn, as well, and I had wonderful mentors on TPL that helped me so much. Sadly, now they have either passed away or just left us for reasons that I don't understand. I still need help and am grateful when anyone takes the time to tell me where I need to improve. I post on a couple of other sites, as well, but none of them have mentors who are willing or will take the time to help as TPL is fortunate enough to have. This poem is a fine tribute to your friend. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-29 16:34:56
Light Paints The World With Color	Dellena Rovito	Hi D....your first stanza sets the scene for the myriad of images you paint with your pen...all of them are delicious. In your 2nd stanza I think if you say..."as a snake slithering" 'weaving dartlingly' is a bit clunky! I love 'window pane caves'...very inovative and poetic. Also 'intricate tree fingers' is a superb phrase. In your last stanza...'night's creaks speak' is a little rough...how about...'creaking night speaks?' These are just a few suggestions that you can use or lose but this is a fine poem either way. Wonderful imagery and an excellent ending! Well done. Marilyn	2007-03-28 15:40:12
So, Love the One You're With	Ellen K Lewis	Hi Ellen....I have seen this done before....a poem written with a series of haiku poems. You did well with this format. Fated loneliness for it feeds only itself and dies without love..........I think this is my favorite. If find it quite profound and wise. I have known people who lived a lonely existance and who become very bitter making it impossible to have anyone love them. So sad. Each of these haiku's could stand on its own but grouping them together, like you have, is an interesting and well written poem....good job! cheers...Marilyn	2007-03-24 17:13:57
Bauble Less	Dellena Rovito	Hi D...this is a lovely poem from your talented pen. Your words give a perfect image in my mind of bare trees silhoueted against the sky. Not yet dressed in their spring foliage, but still beautiful. There is a sense of purity in Nature's seasons...all are beautiful and should be enjoyed for just what they are. No need to embellish Mother Nature scenes, unlike so many things in life we must leave them as they are with their intrinsic need just to be. One could easily interpet this as a metaphor for life or perhaps even the state of our world today. However, I just want to enjoy the wonder without all the strife. Good poem...well done. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-03-24 14:41:51
PUSSYCAT	Monica ONeill	Hi Moni...it never ceases to amaze me the intuition of animals. They always know when you feel bad and they know when someone they love is missing. My husband was in the hospital from August to Oct. before he passed away. We had a little poodle and she began to act out her frustration in missing him...tearing things up and pooping on the floor...none of which she did before. Just before he died I brought his things home from the hospital and I just sat the bags on the floor when I went in the door. She stuck her nose in the bags and began to wag her tail then she sat in front of me and looked up as if to ask me where he was. I said "he is not in there Pepper and he isn't ever coming home." She actually let out a wail like I had never heard before and it stab at my heart as if a knife had been run through it. Not only do they know something is wrong but they understand most of what we say. Mouchie will heal in time, just as you will, but it will take time for both of you. This poem is so sad but I know there are brighter days ahead....I promise. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-20 17:31:02
Vestige	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary...another sterling tribute to Janis Joplin. I knew you were writing about her from your first few lines. You have captured her as an entertainer and made her music sing with your well choosen words. The only problem is the typing is very light and somewhat difficult for my poor eyes to read! The way you have written the last four words gives me the sense that it signifies her downward spiral before her death. It is hard to imagine someone so talented through away her life on booze and drugs. However, she wasn't the frist famous person to do that and she won't be the last. a sultry sophistication born of sorrow's suffering that rips wallpaper off the walls climax comes as you throw your soul out over a million fondling fingers these lines are so poignant and well written. I especially like...'rips wallpaper off the walls'...such a descriptive line but so different. Also 'a million fondling fingers' which alludes to her fans who loved her so much. Well done, Mary, I wouldn't change a thing. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-16 15:27:48
Ricky Wants A Tractor	Ellen K Lewis	Hi Ellen...this is such a lovely tribute to Richard Buster...I don't actually know who this is and I hope it is not someone I will feel stupid about when you tell me his idenity! Whether I know of him or not makes no matter in how I view this piece. From what you have writen he comes from a long line of farmers or ranchers. I have known many ranchers in my life and I know what a difficult job it is but those that do it are people who love the land. Even when drought or floods kill thier crops or animals they never think of quitting. Their life is in the soil and you have captured their determination in this poem. It is well written and evocative and I wouldn't change anything. Well done. Cheers....Marilyn	2007-03-16 15:15:13
my first tanka	charles r pitts	Hi Charles....for your first attempt at a tanka you did a superb job! Your count is spot on and you have made good word choices. You have clothed this write in mystery as you are letting the reader decide who is basking in self-glory waiting for the bite! The phrase 'still they circle' makes me think of a bird of prey or a vampire bat or better yet a vampire. Or one could imagine this as a man or woman seeking a conquest. You will need to enlighten me! Well done! cheers....Marilyn	2007-03-16 15:01:02
Anticipation - Etheree #4	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary...I'm glad you wrote the rules for Etheree poetry....I had forgotten them and want to try one. This poem is exquisite. You have some wonderful sounds that flow like liquid down the page. "I rest on this bed of frozen tears" is a superb phrase. It is so descriptive and I would imagine all of us have felt this emotion at one time or another in our lives....we just couldn't speak of it in such a poetic manner. I hope the problems you have suffered, since your accident, are resoling themselves and that you will soon be back to your same self soon. Bravo....for this Etheree! Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-13 15:08:39
Just Stuff	DeniMari Z.	Hi Deni....I wonder how many times, when I was raising children, I had many of these same thoughts? I remember running around in a frenzy all day, and when the day was done I wasn't sure if I had accomplished the things I set out to do or not. However, I guess I did because the beds were made, the dishes were done, the house was clean and so were the clothes and the meals were always on time. Then of course, the bills were paid, the yard work was done, the sick were tended to and I had a full time job away from home. No wonder I was always thin! I like the way you have written this as prose, it is very effective. The only problem I see is with punctuation. In some places you used a period and some not. Also you put caps on the beginning of a new sentence sometimes and sometimes not. So you need to clean that up and remember not to use caps unless you do use a period. Outside of that I love this piece...and can certainly relate. Blessings.....Marilyn	2007-03-12 17:22:59
In His Love, I Want to Live	DeniMari Z.	Hi Denimari...such a beautiful poem that was obviously written with deep emotion and passion. If you don't mind I am going to noodle with it just a bit. Jesus claims my heart in love alike to divine.....I would change 'alike' to 'akin' but better yet I would say "Jesus claims my heart in love divine" I do think it makes the flow more even. Trembling in this sensation, stilled by (this) affection;.......drop (this) Every moment I have living to follow him home.....put caps on Him To wits end, and then again to it.........I'm not sure what 'then again to it' means...probably just me! Scars could bleed, yet each lesson seemed out of reach....how about...scars bleed, lessons out of reach I pushed through the fog, to the light, to his heart.....caps on His For this prince to believe in my life all the way.......I would drop...'all the way' since you aren't rhyming I wouldn't rhyme the last line and I don't think 'all the way' serves to better the line. Dearheart....these are just some suggestions that you can use or throw away. In no way can they improve on the message in this poem. I could feel your emotions as I read the lines....well done. Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-10 15:22:42
lost	charles r pitts	Hi charlie....you could not have chosen a better title for this poem. I think the fact that you wrote it entirely in lower case, without concern for caps, when a new sentence or thought begins, is significant. In my mind it speaks of some depression and a "what the hell" kind of attitude. It also speaks of a lack of self worth which I find to be so sad. The narrator finds nothing in life that has any merit and therefore is drifting on a sea of hopelessness. When I first read this piece I was put off by the lack of concern for puctuation but after a couple of reads I decided there was no other way to write down these thoughts and make them memorable to the readers. There are poems that come and go without ever being remembered, which to me is a sign of mediocre writing. However, I do believe this one will stay in the minds of all who read it. You have employed good word choices for the theme. It is well written and evocative....well done! cheers....Mariyn	2007-03-10 11:37:52
Immersion	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary...you are becoming a master at these terse metaphors! I have not been able to come up with the gist of this piece. At first I thought it might be a butterfly that is speaking but the white cotton tongue threw me for a loop there! You have spoken of the color red more than once...red cinders of abandon...which is pretty sensual when I think about it....then cerise center and cherry flavored vertigo. Woe is me I don't think of vertigo being a color. However, putting all that aside I like this poem....it is intriguing and mysterious, which I like. It has an even flow and good descriptors all of which is pleasing to read. You can tell me what the metaphor is and I promise not to tell!! Blessings....Marilyn p.s. hope you are feeling better	2007-03-08 16:40:58
Taken at the Touch	James C. Horak	Hi James....what a sensual poem you have penned! At the risk of giving away too much of myself, it is down right sexy! Much of what you write has hidden meanings or are metaphors, that at times, I do not grasp fully, but to me this one is quite clear. I could do a line by line critique, of this piece, but my opinion would remain the same. Heaven forbid it is a metaphor for something quite porfound because I like to think of it as a confession for a "lust that never rests." The doleful ending gives me pause as you have yet to find the one who you can offer a "proper cradle for her head." Perhaps you are looking in all the wrong places. They say (who ever they are) you will find what you are seeking when you cease to look. Sorry...I quit looking eons ago and my knight still has not shown up. Well done. cheers...Marilyn	2007-03-05 16:38:36
under the windtunnels	Ellen K Lewis	Hi Ellen....this is a fine poem! I think you have expressed yourself very well. I find comfort and solice .......should be solace I bet you think I am the pickiest person in the world! The only thing more I would do with this is remove the 'no' & 'yes' as they don't add anything to the text of the poem. I think 'wind tunnels' is a great poetic device....one could write many poems about them. You have a plethora of good phrasing here making the poem a joy to read. Written in free verse with very little punctuation which works quite well. You do need a period after 'tunnels' in the last line....okay I'll shut up! Well done.... Blessings...Marilyn	2007-03-01 17:52:24
Sleeping Dogs (a repartee with Fear)	Mary J Coffman	Hi Mary....this is an outstanding poem which clearly limns your fear. I can't even imagine what that fear feels like. You have given it a voice in this poem...you have faced it head on..."what does fear itself fear?"...this is a superb line. or should I cede myself to sinful sequitur only to disappear beneath a psychotic smile....wonderful phrasing in these lines. The entire poem has a plethora of good images and packs a punch from the first line to the last. Writing is a catharsis for me and I have a feeling it does the same for you...no nits here....bravo Blessings....Marilyn	2007-03-01 10:58:44
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