Turner Lee Williams's E-Mail Address: mister_t25@hotmail.com

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Turner Lee Williams	Critique Date
Winter Trees	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--No tinkering needed here! Nice winter allit (bare branches) keeps this one true to title and theme. Excellent descriptors(...dancing embrace as lovers wooing in orchestra wind):nonliteral verbiage produces some vivid imagery of personification. All techs met (5-7-5/three lines/nature themed). Well done! Do not touch one syllable-smile. Thanks for sharing your "fixed form" effort. TLW	2004-02-20 12:14:37
One Just Bell	Rick Barnes	Rick–Long time between postings, but this “One Just Bell” is worth the wait. You and Mell selected two of the five most controversial topics (in my opinion) of the modern era. The speaker infers through plain/figurative language (metaphors); allit (saved souls) and rhymes tithed/ arrived; song/gong; blessed/confessed) that this symbol is currently/selectively used to ingratiate patrons while other members of society are being treated woefully (and of this he wants no part). He then states what he will be party to, through superb twist/turn of allit and rhymes dull dank; knell/bell; toward/forge). The totality of this verbiage creates vivid imagery of mis- placement of priorities in the face of social injustices and moral wrongdoings. A repeat of the title in line #11 serves to reemphasize and finalize how adamant the speaker is in his request for “...that one just bell that rings for everyone.” You’ve displayed true grit in composing and sharing such a ‘concise’ unbridled effort; this is an extraordinary relevant piece (in my humble opinion) which deserves the widest distribution. Thanks for the great read. P. S. You and Mell (Neuter Allegiance) made my MONTH with your offerings-many thanks and smiles. TLW	2004-02-17 00:25:46
Neuter Allegiance	Mell W. Morris	Mell--Somewhere during my read I spotted two rhymes (one each, internal and end); this will be the last time I refer to poetics while reviewing this beaut-smile! The title is phenomenal! I pondered over it for quite sometime and not because I didn’t know where the speaker was going with, to me, her subtle theme (ineffective loyalty/devotion, etc): I wondered about expectations of reciprocity; constituents vote for candidates based on political promises (wishful thinking?). However, after I mulled over descriptive phrases such as: ...no tolerance for political...; ... weary of unctuous words...; ...not sentimental about matters governmental and etc, etc (so I am slow-smile again). I finally realized the speaker was just warming up. What followed is a treatise on the sad sordid social state of our country, due in part to our individual apathy and self-censorship: seeing something wrong and failing to act or speak out. The speaker also infer that our current situation was influenced if not precipitated by the assassinations of three 'visionary' leaders. Moreover, the speaker believes she was forced to change her philosophy because this present crop of politicians/leaders are sorely lacking in the “right stuff:”this is indicated by obvious brusque language she uses to lambaste and censure this aforementioned group. The speaker ends her terse dissertation with an unrestrained challenge/call to action for us all: “ I leave it to the heavens now and pray that the people of our nation will listen, think and see. And in the end with eyes of reality, do more than be.” On the other hand, I may be way off base in my verbose assessment. Thanks for writing this dynamic piece and sharing your heartfelt sentiments with us. TLW P.S. thanks for the new contributions to my growing “word bank.”	2004-02-15 04:18:53
japanese verse 40 (Petals)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--You are too much! What more can be said about your mastery of haiku/senryu? I tire of relaying that all technicals are met (of course they are), but never tire of reading your brillant and beautiful picturesque compositions. I personally dote on and enjoy my outdoor and indoor plants; I am looking forward to the different colored "blossoms" anticipated in the spring and the scented "Petals," as well as nectar, attracting their usual assortment of flying insects. Thanks for sharing another superb effort.TLW	2004-02-14 04:28:01
A Growing Appetite for Spring	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne--I couldn't agree more with the speakers title: here in Arizona this past week the temperature hasn't risen above 70 degrees-smile. Another nature ditty that indicates the speaker is well versed in outdoor creatures habits and enjoys interacting with them all. Allits in all stanzas with the exception of #4, conversely, stanzas #2 and #3 are literally tongue twisters (try saying/reading either/both three times moderately fast-haha). Vivid descriptors creates nice imagery of welcomed transition for the highly anticipated warming season by both man and animal. Thanks for sharing this informative "warm" nature piece with your fellow TPLers. TLW	2004-02-14 04:05:45
Then I'll Dance With Dragonflies	Joanne M Uppendahl	Joanne--I heard this interesting titled piece on my list and stopped in to listen-smile. I liked it from the start; it has a "list poem" feel: you've cited excellent nature standards that we all can or should appreciate (deers seeking food, bears hibernating & fish going to desposit spawn; respectively). This plain language approach belies the import of your contrast/twist: you are not going to stop enjoying nature treks just because the "BIG Deals" are temporarily gone (seasonal): "...I'll look for smaller lives..." Wow! You, then "LIST" these other "simple, but" beautiful activities that you plan on doing in the interim (powerful!). Then there's another of my favorite Line(s); "...I'll poke within a willow, dip my thoughts beneath the snow." (great verbiage!!). In the mist of all of this you still manage to "toss" in a few rhymes (willow/snow; voles/mosquitoes; hare/dare). The repeat of the title in the last line, caps a superb ending. Your use of vivid descriptors/figurative language/rhymes combine to produce a euphonious tone and great imagery. I certainly did not mean to misstate your intentions. Thanks for sharing. TLW	2004-02-13 11:07:01
Down The Mountain	Regis L Chapman	Regis--In Arizona we get almost 360 days of the scenes you described every year(sans greenery & rain, of course-smile). Moreover, I never tire of it. Excellent combination of rhymes(beholden/golden/swollen; contrast/past; evermore/core/floor; mine/ divine/shine; eyes/spies/wise; wide/beside) and alliterations (evermore enthusiastic; spotlight shines; having humbly) not only produces a melodious tone but also creates a picturesque imagery. The vivid descriptors in your recollection piece (in my humble opinion) suggest that your drive "Down The Mountain" could even be entitled; "Peak Experience" or "Perfect Moment(s)." I love the lines: "now without that as a floor for the benefit of the beet and rose benevolent spies, those- the wise, are wide and my love sleeps just beside." I hope I did not misstate your "...version of that day..." Thanks for sharing such a positive effort. TLW	2004-02-12 22:26:38
Senyru 132	Michael J. Cluff	Michael--I love this macabre piece. I guess that makes me morbid-smile. All technicals met (5-7-5 syllables/three lines/humorous slant). Colorful descriptors and concise verbiage creates vivid imagery. Well, one little spelling hiccup; it's senryu verses "senyru." Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW	2004-02-12 21:24:29
Every Poem An Autograph	Mell W. Morris	Mell--Almost a poem of address. This piece reeks of originality and uniqueness(smile)and has schema(s) written all over it: the use of prior experience/knowledge to deal with current situations. The assorted rhymes (lights/might; episodes/souls; paradigms/times; will/until; restored/ignored; strophe/trophy; apprising/surprising) and apt descriptors (unsayable; patterns; episodes; imprinted; summon; paradigms; compose; taunt; restored; residing; trophy; treble) creates vivid imagery of what we as poets are ultimately about. Then of course there is my favorite line(s): "Every strophe I read is a trophy of someone's life, now indelible, apprising then surprising me with a treble of sursum-corda sighs. This one struck me the most emotionally; from this day forth, I will conduct by reviews in a different light (even if my critiques remain the same-smile). The title is well suited for the context and contents. Poet, you've superbly presented a capsule description of human life. I throughly enjoyed perusing this piece. Thanks for sharing. TLW a	2004-02-11 13:16:22
Dirt Devil	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--What a great tongue twisting teaser. I see these whirly little dusty demons quite often in Arizona. Superb use of repeat letters: the title (dirt devil) is full of allits as well as the piece (sizzling sun/etched earth/an aquiline/sound...simple scene...soft scruff...sweeps/pallid plain/dirt devil/whirls with/ tiny twisting typhoon/tapered tail/birls but begins/taut toro). Vivid imagery created by metaphoric descriptors (bears down; sporadic zealous breeze; with pronged crown; tumbleweed as it sweeps a path; zephyr spawns an eddy; staunch and jaunty; he skips happily; determine to excite; he gyrates; his antics; a hazy memory in the wizard sun). This combo of allits and metaphors also produce a nice rhythmic tone throught out the poem. Thanks for sharing this cute fun piece (more of same please). TLW	2004-02-09 16:31:52
Since god left Chicago	hj elliot	heather--The title of this piece intrigued me, especially the spelling of God with the lower case "g." This may or may not hold any significance for your poem, but it did catch my eye. Figurative verbiage (metaphors; simile; & personification) used extensively throughout the entire work and creates a vivid imagery of a personal pilgrimage to the holy land. In my humble opinion, adamant impressions of biblical beliefs/convictions relayed/stated by the speaker in this "free verse." The complete absence of punctuation and apt line breaks allows reader(s) to enjoy at their own pace. I apologize in advance if I have misstated your effort. TLW	2004-02-03 01:29:15
These delicious aromas like foreign countries	hj elliot	heather--My first review of your work and I liked what I perused. The title attracted me to the read, but your first line, "Come back to bed...," was the "hook" for me to continue (being a red bloodied American male-smile). A combination of alliterations (skin smelling; cobblestone to catch; bed beckons; out onto; shut the shutters; an airraid) and similes (arms like orange rinds; aromas like foreign countries; as a window opens out; thunder like an airraid) creates not so subtle imagery of amorous activities. In additiion, the personification of; "The bed beckons, sheets lay devastated across the wise mattress ripe with memories..."(WOW!), really leaves no doubt as to what has been taking place in that room!!! This is an excellent very, very, sparesly punctuated "free verse" that uses apt line breaks as well as unique, fresh poetic descriptors to present a superb story/poem. Thanks for sharing this exciting piece with us at TPL. TLW	2004-02-02 20:48:49
haikuhaiku	Regis L Chapman	Regis--Once again you've posted an excellent senryu, which is very similar to haiku. The main different is haiku is themed in nature and the senryu is everything else with a humorous slant. Thanks for sharing your effort with fellow TPLers. TLW	2004-02-02 00:44:23
japanese verse 39 (Amnesia)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--This one is a wee bit different, and I may have enjoyed it even more, simply because it is not your normal nature theme-smile. There are hints that indicates more than just a meeting of the minds took place this particular "Friday." Regardless, the piece conjures up pleasant imagery of a tryst that lasted an inordinate amount of time (which equals=just about right-haha). When things are going quite well there is a tendency to lose all track of time and in your case, things went so well you got "Amnesia." Brillant title for this gem. As always techs met: three lines, 5-7-5 syllables, and conciseness; with not one letter/word wasted. Well, another superb Haiku from the undisputed champ of TPL. TLW	2004-02-01 11:11:31
japanese verse 38 (Seahorse)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--Your "Seahorse" is traditional haiku and of course meets all techs (three lines, 5-7-5 syllable count, & nature themed). Excellent horse analogies and superb metaphoric descriptors (an ocean stallion; rides its coral chariot; galloping the reef). This nonliteral verbiage produces vivid and interesting action imagery. Thanks for sharing another picturesque image of natures wonder. May your writtings continue "galloping" to TPL. TLW	2004-01-29 10:42:08
Tornado	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--It's always good to see someone branch out-smile. Let's see, you've used each letter of the title to spell a word and begin your lines: this is traditional acrostic; all techs met and the stanza more than aptly describes the actions of your subject. Although, not as difficult as "Fixed" forms of poetry (set number of syllables/lines,etc...) this form does require more effort to put together, sensible, throughts due to restriction of the theme/words/ letters (in my humble opinion). Excellent descriptors creates vivid imagery leading up to your metaphoric ending;"...Of all it slaps." This of course is my favorite phrase of the piece. I originally grew up and lived in Florida for many years and can truthfully say tornadoes are one of the main reasons, I AM FROM FLORIDA!! Thanks for sharing your very first(hopefully it won't be your last)acrostic with TPL.TLW	2004-01-27 11:55:51
I Must Go Down To The Sea Again	Mell W. Morris	Mell--There's a lot of love for the water "running" through this piece. Solid combinations of allits (an aggregate; rustling reeds; shrouds then scurries to the south; inflection infect) and internal rhymes(sea/be/me/see; clouds/shrouds; stirs/be-sirs; presence/essence; here/clear; sea/me/me; scope/hope; face/grace; inflection/affection; side/tide; care/share; be/me/sea) produces melodious rhythmic tones throughout the entire poem. The metaphoric descriptors(the blessings of the sea beckon...and water sanctifies and stirs like the touch of a sword to a shoulder which be-sirs) are triple treats: my favorite lines; consonant of "s" sounds; and great simile for knighthood. Not only does this verbiage provides excellent picturesque imagery, but pays homage to a natural wonder of the world. This piece appealed to the hopeless romantic in me and as such, I see the speaker wishing to have a reciprocation of the sea connection with a love interest. A superb read which I throughly enjoyed. I hope like crazy that I didn't understate your great effort. TLW	2004-01-25 05:00:48
acrostic 2 (Prodigal Son)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--Glad to see your new acrostic. I enjoy your unique structure of this technical form: instead of all capitals for each letter in your title (traditional acrostic), you've chosen lower case and apt line breaks to impart a very pertinent message while still holding the essence of the words and theme of the entire piece. This is a brillant use of sparsity: not one wasted word/letter. Truely a case of less being more and you showing your versatility by capturing another peotic form with feeling. I hope this doesn't mean TPL will see less of your haiku-smile. Thanks for sharing your excellent effort with us. TLW	2004-01-21 10:25:44
A Poem to Parents	Erica L. Badger	Erica--Superb poem of address for the title. You've put together an excellent six stanza quatrain. The repeat phrases in stanzas #1, #2, and #4 ("I have been..."; "I was given..."; & "You taught...") gives the piece great organization and reemphasizes the title as well as the theme. Nice end rhymes (scratch/match; grew/flew; me/free; go/so) produces good ebb and flow musical tones in stanzas #3 thru #6. This piece also serves as a great list poem/tribute to parents: sequential attributes credited to the environment/parents/higher power in the first four stanzas. In stanza #5, an adroit twist/turn that most of us parents experience or should be preparing ourselves for. In stanza #6, a very touching ending to a textbook presentation by a loving, grateful, tactful, and repectful "child." Thanks for sharing this poignant effort. TLW	2004-01-18 14:26:24
Delay	Regis L Chapman	Regis--Nice rhyming quatrain. I like the realism, brevity, and conciseness. In this short compact piece you've said a great deal. I am reminded of an old adage used quite often in the military: "Hurry and up and wait" (oxymoronic). Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW	2004-01-18 13:34:20
Michelle	Claire H. Currier	Claire--I raised two daughters of my own (a 28 year old school teacher and a 38 year old 911/police dispatcher) and can truely say (with the exception of the title and the lack of plurals in the 1st and last lines) I feel the same. Absolutely superb rhyme enclosed in the last three lines: "loving your ways/losing myself/entirely in your gaze." There is no doubt that you love this child to pieces and is very proud of the woman/ mother/companion/citizen she has become (well it actually shows in your verbiage-smile). The sparsity of punctuation and the apt line breaks allows a nice run-on rhythmic read. This is short, cute, and concise: in orther words just right. Thanks for posting for us TPLers. TLW	2004-01-17 15:48:43
Blue Tide	Mell W. Morris	Mell--Almost a Jekel and Hyde analogy-smile. Apt title for the doldrums that the speaker was able to extricate his/her self from. Your six stanza tercet uses fresh descriptors (tristesse, polarized, eidolons, entropy, riven and unshriven, luminesce, lambent, angelus & sarabande) that creates such great imagery. The combination of rhymes (mire/desire; riven/unshriven; realize/revise; insight/light/might; inside/tide; down/around; provided/undivided; above/love) and alliterations (soul seems; seize my self; disenchanted duality; revise my reality; lambent light; turns the tide; supplies a sarabande of sound) produces melodious tones that are unmistakabley your "forte" (pun intended). Superb metaphors (I could darn near rewrite the entire piece--where to start? Okay my favorites): "...hazy with tristesse, my heart a burden of regret, my soul seems polarized.";"...my up is buried in mire..."--I love this!! "...my state of disenchanted duality..."; "...a score of sun-lit airs pours inside to luminesce..."; "music lifts my down, turns the tide around..." WOW!! Stupendous 3rd stanza twist/turn to get back on track; "...I realize it is time to revise my reality." Just an all around great read and tremendous effort. Have I told you lately how much your posting and reviewing means to me individually and TPL collectively? Now, that's a rhetorical question! TLW	2004-01-17 13:37:26
Shadow's last sigh	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--This so reminded me that there are two different twilights (just before morning-at daylight and right at evening-just before dark). Your six stanza couplet with near rhymes (shadows/meadows, land/sands, lea/seas, noon/moon's, ignites/light); true rhymes (plain/grain, sky/die/sigh); and alliterations ("...seas of shadows in shivering trees."; "...ice ignites..."; "...wily winds wave adieu...") are neat combinations which produces melodious tones throughout the poem. A bunch of colorful descriptors (of smokey gray/enclose the velvet lea/deep purple mist) and metaphoric descriptors (wake of dawn/impetuous shadows cloak the yawning land/give life to a blanket/slithering night folds it's shade, wily winds wave adieu) combine to create vivid imagery of a 12 hour period from "...wake of dawn and dark is gone..." to "...wily winds wave adieu to shadow's last sigh." The repeat of the title in the last line serves to reemphasized the theme and shows a finality. Sorry if I missed your intentions for the piece, but I liked it and do appreciate your sharing your effort. TLW	2004-01-16 23:24:42
untitled	Rachel F. Spinoza	Rachel--All technicalities met for traditional haiku (5-7-5 syllable three line format). Nice imagery produced by combination of metaphoric descriptors "Fog hugs the orchard" and "Bubble-wrapped in mist." I think this is a neat concise nature piece that I like and thanks for sharing your effort. TLW	2004-01-16 22:14:19
DENIAL	Mick Fraser	Mick--My first time at seeing your name/work. Welcome to TPL. I found your offering quite entertaining. Good use of metaphors as this could be taken literally (non-swimer) or figuratively (personal problems). Not only did you employ the form correctly, your use of excellent alternating rhymes; "stroke/choke/revoked" gave the piece a harmonious humorous tone. Always glad to see new names on the site and you've made a good impression with your first time effort. Keep writing. TLW	2004-01-15 12:24:13
Love As A Postcard	Rick Barnes	Rick--Superb four stanza rhyming "Love gone bad" poem. First stanza: nice end rhyme (post/most) and alliteration (at all)gives the piece a sense of foreshadow to it's rhytmic tone. Second stanza: continues tone with true rhyme (scene/serene) and conternation (..."I wished I were there."). Third stanza: more of same tone created by combination of rhyme "here/near" and alliteration "s" of; Signed/ Someone(distant). Fourth stanza:the feeling produced by end rhymes "better/letter/went/sent" and near/ slant rhyme "quickly/swiftly" leaves writer/speaker no doubt about the finality of his fate; "Love as a postcard." The repeat of the title/refrain throughout serves well in reemphasizing the theme of this piece. I got the impression that the speaker saw this "postcard" as a slap in the face; almost a dear John. Sorry if I understated or misstated your intentions. Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW	2004-01-14 12:19:02
Trance	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Jordan--You must love horses, because this is a brilliant Persona Poem (written from a horse's perspective). Excellent/fresh metaphors(...cries glutted my ears...;...scouting a snug home;... zephyr chattered relief...;...lilacs lured my wits; etc, etc...I traipsed like a waif (simile)and onomatopeias (hooting/howling/warbled/cooed/whinny). The combinations of these superb descriptors creates wonderful imagery of a spooked, sometime riderless/other times ridden horse galloping through the dream-like state of a past life (Great turn/twist and my favorite line from the piece: "I emerged as your palfrey, saddling you at my back as I loped throughout my trance.") The restating of the title within the flow of the last line is most emphatic and telling. In my humble opinion, a beautiful tribute piece for/to a beloved companion that appears to no longer be in a position to be ridden. I am sorry if I misstated your effort. Thanks for posting such a great read. TLW	2004-01-12 05:46:57
Under my Mukluks	Mick Fraser	Mick--At a glance, several alliterations jump out (snow on sun shining/rays reflecting/while wind- whipped/striking similarities/with warm), which is a good start. I see excellent potential in this offering, but also some syntax problems. The format is in some disarray and very hard to follow. Your effort needs a bit of work to sort out its poetics. Please revise and re-post. TLW	2004-01-11 02:29:37
A Life Sentence	Mell W. Morris	Mell--This title serves as a warning to the reader (or should) that something REAL is about to take place. He or she 'by continuing' do so at the risk of learning/exploring/ some raw truths about a growing contingent of the geriatric crowd: "GROWN CHILDREN ABUSE." The piece starts out harmless enough, even beautifully optimistic: "Dawn, the launching of another day, the lush grass a coverlet of umber dew; light awakening whispery shadows, glowing in susurrant, penumbra places. My mother's face at the window like a full moon." You can not get any more poetic than this, especially the first four lines! What great metaphoric descriptors (the launching...; ...lush grass...; ...coverlet...; ...umber dew; light awakening... on and on! The imagery created here for all the senses are quite enticing! At this point, the face at the window doesn't appear to be ominous. Now, your extended look at this silhouette of "mom" serves as a epiphany which causes you to revisit some prolonged unpleasantries: "Youth was time served...; "Those years with...meaning gleaned from... (enjambment)...dismissive gestures..." etc,etc. A long list of cruelties suffered at the hands of your "dear" mother with no nurturing displayed or shown by her; but it doesn't end there, for whatever reason(s)you get the double whammy: you must take care of her because (of old age) she no longer can care for herself or can not be left alone (is she a hospice out-patient?). Your ending is better also superb: the combination enjambment "I feel her reach as an undertow, a desperate go at pulling me to her siade and along for the ride as she leaves for a final unknown destination." and internal rhymes between stanza #4 (undertow/go) and #5 (side/ride, along/unknown adds to the already rhythmic tone of this Blake/Poe-like piece (is there any doubt where MOM will be going in her afterlife--really?). This five stanza free verse has it all: real time realism; harmonious rhythm; colorful vocabulary (thanks for umber, susurrant, penumbra, prolix, and semaphored); great line breaks; and excellent descriptors (harsh and nice)that by placement created depths of imagery. The return to "sentence" in stanzas #2 (mandatory) and #4 (another) served to reemphasize the title and theme. I hope like crazy that I haven't misstatedyour intentions. Thanks for allowing yourself to "go there" and for taking us with you as you brought forth such a gut-wrenching effort. TLW	2004-01-10 14:51:14
japanese verse 36 (Ku Klux Klan)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--I can't label this 5-7-5 form Haiku (nature) or Senryu (humorous). It doesn't really matter, the statement made by the piece is unmistakenly heartfelt and quite a deviation from your normal exalted renderings. Great use of allits/consonants ("K" sounds) throughout the poem including the title. The "Knights with kerosene" were the terriorists of/for their time and the "killer of kaleidoscope" (superb metaphor for people of color). In this offering you've managed to put together a well thoughtout social/political commentary deriding an infamous group ingrained in America's culture. Thanks for posting such a Realistic and controversial piece. TLW	2004-01-10 00:55:30
Her Looking Glass	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--Lots of good stuff going on with this piece. This entire poem is saturated with excellent figurative language, including the title. Your use of metaphoric descriptors produces wonderful and vivid imagery for this five stanza quatrain free verse (try saying that four times real fast--smile). Although there are many in this vein, my favorite lines are the ones containing the alliterations: "...spied her lack luster soul..."; "...dark eyes dull and doleful" (listen to those "d" sounds); "...wrapped by walls formed inside her heart."; "...unshed tears thrashed (nice enjambment) her spirit, stealing it's zest..."; and "...sun shines she recalls sharp edges of night" (great "S" sounds). GOOSEBUMPS are raised by the superb combination metaphors and slant rhyme of stanza #4: "She was there when his light dimmed and death came into the ROOM, without a cry or gasp he met his DOOM with but a shuddered sigh" This piece is a multi-layered "observation" (deep and intricate)with subtle social revelant meanings. This is aptly emphasized in the last stanza by the repeat verbiage from the title: "...her looking glass" frozen forever. POET, I salute you for arranging these words in a different manner to paint a pertinent picture for the senses. TLW P.S. almost not worth mentioning--a small spelling hiccup (frozen/forzen).	2004-01-09 10:30:03
Love Me This Way	DeniMari Z.	DeniMari--Welcome back to TPL. There is nothing complicated about your poem. It's all straight forward plain language and not unreasonable-smile. The title is very apt for the piece: it puts the reader on notice that a sequence of heartfelt requests/rules are likely forthcoming; these are not demands, but reciprocals (if only lovers the world over would abide by your formula-WOW!). I really like your 6 stanza (rhyming) tercet. Good spacing of the repeat phrasing in stanzas #1 and #5 ("Take this heart- share my life..."): it helps emphasize the title/theme. Great use of true/end rhymes: sounds not spellings the key; these rhymes are emphatic and along with the line breaks help creates a nice rhythmic ebb and flow. My two most favorite phrases are, "be the best part of my world..."/"...be my everlasting friend." These are very pertinent to me and could easily be interchangeable or the same. The entire piece is neat; pleasing to the eye; and a superb read. However, I do have a small critisim of stanzas #5 and #6: although both contain super metaphors, they are a wee bit verbose. A tad bit of conciseness in these two stanzas will give this piece an added punch. Your work (in my humble opinion-smile) is still an excellent offering. Thanks for sharing this revelant relationship piece with your fellow TPLers. TLW	2004-01-07 12:08:27
Mastering My Illusions	Michele Rae Mann	Michele--Great title and aptly applied to processes rendered through your "list poem." Excellent plain language used to describe what appears to be a schizoid episode. This "dark" piece has two sequential mixed parts, plus a redeeming twist. Vivid imagery of the hearts activity created by combination of descriptive gerunds (pumping, beating) and adverb (irrationally). Nightmarish feelings brought to mind by combination of adjectives(darkness, blackness) and noun (trepidation). Internal rhymes of "pumping/beating; darkness/blackness; stillness/ motioness combined with statement of "sacred thoughts run rampant" emphasizes the ominous tone of the piece. Moreover, at the same time, this menacing gives rise to aberrant intelligence (revelation mastered/creativity spawned). Finally, use of intervention ("friction/tension/pain"), maybe by experts or specialists (counseling/treatment/medication), indicated by a turn/twist (swallow/wait/function). Apt intervention caused a cease in anxiety/terror (voices eased/fear vanished) as well as the inventive processes (creativity gone). Visually pleasing, neat, and concise with sparse punctuation. This allows uniterrupted flow that heighten the read. Line breaks and single word lines serve as natural punctuation combined with internal rhymes establishes a rhythmic ebb, feel, flow, and tone. Thanks for sharing this unique poem with TPL. TLW	2003-12-31 14:13:42
Visions of Yesterday	Claire H. Currier	Claire--This is not a critique, however, I wanted to say what a superb "persona poem", but it's an even greater story. Several times I read this and several times I had to put it out of my hands only to replace it with tissue. Thanks for sharing such a lovely and poignant story. TLW P. S. Give your mom a kiss for me--Thanks!	2003-12-30 12:01:26
The Stoop	Mell W. Morris	Mell--I like the view from "The Stoop." Great fresh color descriptors (marmalade of gold with orange striations; ...a sea of persimmon, cinnabar, and then grape-deep tints of sunset) provides such beautiful imagery. Combinations of internal/partial/slant rhymes (treats/sweet, soon/afternoon, tea/sea, survide/ provides, dearth/earth, smell/tells) with alliterations (will wilt; cosmic curtains; tells that) produces subtle melodious tones throughout the piece. Many glorious "sounds" bites, esp., "...a mother's array of treats, and a child's sweet face." ;"the herb will wilt soon like energy in late afternoon..." (simile); "...so begins a tremolo of night's timbre..." (I'm adding these two "t" words to my poetic word list-smile) The enjambments between stanzas #2, #3, and #4 allows an unrestricted/uninterrupted flow (and breathlessness). The run-on last line of stanza #3 and first line of stanza #4, i.e., "Scene from the stoop:" sets up a turn/twist different from the previous stanzas: words which were rather light, colorful, and filled with a certain energy has now taken on a sort of tension (...at her side, the mother knows they will survive.../dearth/paucity). However, some redemption regained through "...fertile smell tells that...unseen life goes on until the sprout of dawn." These five stanzas of quatrains could easily be addressing the up and downs of life matters that we all have experienced at some point in our lives (not just this mother/daughter). Your piece, a superb read, gave me mixed emotions (it pushed and pulled me). I started out elated due to the initial imagery, and ended up feeling a twinge of melancholy (which is alright-smile). Thanks for sharing this effort and the vocabulary. TLW	2003-12-27 16:59:45
An Old Man's Song On Christmas Eve	Rick Barnes	Rick--What a superb tribute to a great guy! This piece is quite poetic and needs absolutely nothing, however, I will tell you about the parts that caught my eyes and ears. The line breaks combined with end rhymes of "me/me, prayer/affairs, fire/require/, sand/hand" causes these specific words to be emphasized and bring organization. Moreover, rhythmic musical tones are produced that are a joy to read and hear. Such excellent metaphors, especially, "...my memories this night to sing to me..."; "...sung by everyone who once reached out to me."; "...may too extend beyond my own affairs." These add another tonal quality to the piece. The first line of stanza #4 contains a great simile(Much as the warmth of a distant fire...) which combines with the other 3 lines allows for beautiful picturesque imagery as well as the most touching poetic essence of the entire poem: "...the warmth of your touch does not require the presence of your hand. This poem deserves to be published for wider readership and I wish I knew places to refer you. Thanks for sharing this wonderful effort and keep writing. TLW	2003-12-26 15:17:44
japanese verse 35 (Manger)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--In these 13 words you've retold the greatest birth story ever! No other title would have work quite as well as this one. As always your technicals are impeccable. This piece is more than timely, it's easily the essence of our salvation and the main theme for our Xmas celebrations (although lost in the commericalism of the season). Your descriptors creates imagery that defies the simplicity with which they are written: what if there had been room in the Inn? what if Mary had more time before the delivery? what if the couple had not been traveling? what if there had been relatives in town? No, there is no other way for this event to have taken place. This birth was meant to take place exactly the way you stated! As usual you've taken this art form and bent it to do your will. I along with all the other TPlers keep marveling at your ability to continue to produce works at this level with such consistency. Thanks for sharing this profound piece. TLW	2003-12-26 14:05:41
ANGEL	housam majid jarrar	housam--Your notes address' a topic which is not unusual for this time of year; such reflections seem to be the norm: what is the meaning of life? why are we here? These questions are too abstruse for us mere mortals. Most of us will agree with you, however, that we are many many eons away from acquiring the answers as well as living this "it". Many profound thoughts and an equally apt title for this poem. This piece has a nice ebb and flow created by a combination of alliterations (through town, she saw, what went wrong, is it, answers are, what was, what will, an answer) and good line breaks: your breaks have been placed where the words belong together and/or end with emphasis, esp., ...through town...; ...what went wrong; ...what was forgotten; ...a simple question. In addition, the line breaks allows a rhythmic read with natural pauses. A very poetic free verse with a tinge of pessimism; a good read and a superb effort. Thanks for sharing. TLW	2003-12-24 14:12:26
Christmas in Texas	Mell W. Morris	Mell--This is not a critigue so don't go there-smile. The standing joke here in Arizona is that our largest Xmas tree is a catus--well it's not a joke, because it's the truth! Your quatrains are saturated with Texas indigenousness: Superb descriptors/colloquialisms/ accents (I could almost hear conversations along the boardwalks in San Antonio-smile). Your "sound" philosophy is still intact: Cute and effective true rhymes produces nice ebb and flow rhythmic tones throughout (good effort extended to use rhymes which aren't contrived). Anyhow-your piece is quite seasonal, really funny, and still carry's the message. Thanks for the chuckles. TLW	2003-12-22 13:43:16
Caroling	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--The entire piece is very apt for this time of year. Great descriptors in stanzas #1 thru 6 painting seasonal pictures for the reader, i.e., bobby sox, stocking hats, scarves..., tinsel, mistletoe, twinkling lights, christmas tree..., carolers on thresholds. These words images/sounds in stanzas #2 thru #6 combines with the end rhymes completed from well known popular songs of cheer produces a nice musical rhythm. The widow Chrisman place is the spot to be, judging from the steamy hot chocolate, ginger snaps, girl scouts..., parrot..., dolls... In conjunction with the slant/internal rhymes of house/mouse, talking/squawking, chairs/stairs an additional subtle rhythm tone is created. The line breaks of stanza #7 also alters the rhythm and tempo, allowing the reader to experience a pause of the caroling activities by the scouts as they enjoy a warm-up/snack stop. A superb look back ending of all the fond memories of past carolings emphasized by the end rhyme cheer/yesteryear. Great nostalgic seasonal piece. Thanks for the good read and reminder. TLW	2003-12-16 23:19:00
Wind	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--Great metaphors/descriptors painting a melodious picture in my mind. I like this, and for a first timer--not shabby at all-smile. By the way, I did peek in on one other haiku (can't remember the name-smile, but the 2nd line only had six syllables "Autumn last sunshine beam---this is not a review/critique-smile). Haiku is difficult and trying, but doable--yours are excellent as well as our other fellow TPLers who are brave enough to post. Of course, we don't (any of us) hold a candle to Erzahl. Keep writing and I'll keep reading (I like the easy part-smile). See you on the LINK. TLW	2003-12-15 11:04:41
Leaping Lizard	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--This is a great Senryu. I have no idea how I missed it (maybe I hadn't discovered the TPL). At any rate this is funny, cute and not being critiqued (if I was reviewing it-- I'd have to say it meets all the form requirements, i.e.,5-7-5 syllables, three lines, nature theme and humorous slant). "Leaping Lizard," my poetic friend is a great Senryu! I must go now--I am trying to locate the one about trees, wind, water or dirt-smile. TLW	2003-12-15 10:35:17
Ice Daggers	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--I didn't know you haiku, and very nicely I might add. All technicalities met (5-7-5 syllables; three lines; nature theme). Of course, this is a very apt seasonal piece and so suited to the title. Pleaseant imagery presented by the descriptors in all three lines. Good sound and picture produced by alliterations ...daggers/dribble. Thanks for posting your first effort on TPL, and please don't let this be your last. TLW	2003-12-14 19:45:30
japanese verse 34 (Stargazer)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Erzahl--Quite a tongue twister you've sent in Just for TPLers critiquing pleasure I found the extra star which gave me ten "got-you" riddle an additional measure No test really needed all 'wise men' can recognize another Haiku treasure. NOTE: A very apt seasonal piece which is saturated with great descriptors/alliterations/ consonants/near rhymes. The tenth "star" is in the title-cute. Thanks for sharing your Super effort. TLW	2003-12-13 11:50:14
Saluting Robert Creeley	Mell W. Morris	Mell--Super tribute to someone whose work you adore-smile. Great descriptors (esp, dew-jeweled); metaphors (raindrops filled with treasure, to find emptiness is to fill it, words with aching holes--wow!); similes (as a river pleasuring, a mouth like Noah's dove); alliterations (smoke signals, spare speech, simple select). All the above things combine to produce a short, fast hitting, rhythmic, and powerful piece! NOTE: Thanks for the word "dew-jeweled." I have just added it to my Poet's wordbank-smile. If you keep writting, I'll keep reading. TLW	2003-12-12 12:02:44
Poetry (in the Tradition of Science)	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Jordan--Great idea! I really enjoyed the science lessons-smile. Good teaching ploy: going from the simple (condensation) to the more complex (human reproduction). Nice descriptors/ metaphors used to present pleasant images of the theme. Assonance of "oo/o" sounds in stanza #2 (especially 'moon looms from glowing...to shine over the shore at eventide') produces a nice musical tone. A superb ending, even if, simply stated (you "verse" quite well-in my humble opinion-smile). I might have one "small" suggestion for your line breaks which read just a tad bit different from having words together which belong together (unless you broke the lines this way for an entirely different ebb and flow--your perogative of course): ...to form transparent liquid. Moon looms from glowing seat... ...to shine over... the shore at eventide. ...around Phoebus Appollo... ...as they rotate about their axes. ...over Einstein's mind... ...converses... ...with mother's egg cell. NOTE: I apologize if I understated your work. Thanks for sharing one of the best efforts with TPLers this month. TLW	2003-12-12 11:29:05
Snow * Revised into Rondolets*	Drenda D. Cooper	Drenda--Your small changes have made these pieces true to the rondelet form. Your venture into unchartered waters turned out great after all. Keep them coming. TLW	2003-12-11 22:46:42
Snow ( A Rondolet )	Drenda D. Cooper	Drenda--After a good night sleep, I've changed my mind (please disregard the email).While not technically a true rondelet, your piece can be readily considered an excellent tribute to "snow" just as it is written. Dropping of the rondelet moniker, would make this a seven line true/end rhymed poem. However, as a true rondelet it's only a tad off (which can be easily corrected). This is a great effort (regardless if it's the first or the fifth). The rondelet is a bit more difficult than some of the other forms, but doable. I have taken the liberty of passing along the information from a site which was referred to me by another fellow TPLer (thanks, JjH). "The rondelet is a french form consisting of two rhymes contained in a seven line stanza. Line one is the exact same as the 3rd and 7th lines. The structure is:" line 1 - 4 syllables - A (the same as line 3 & 7) line 2 - 8 " - b line 3 - 4 " - A line 4 - 8 " - a line 5 - 8 " - b line 6 - 8 " - b line 7 - 4 " - A *Note; Poet, either of your (three) 4 syllables lines would work great for lines #1, 3, and 7. My personal choice is the first one: "Soft falling snow." Problem solved and a perfect rondelet. As the piece stands, without any changes, I like the music produced by the descriptors/ alliterations in lines #2(...feathers floating...), #5(...whirl with wailing...), and #6(flurries of fragile flakes...) Not only does the slant/true/end rhymes (snow/flow/blow/glow and ground/sound/around) give the poem a conciseness of organization, but in "concert" with the alliterations, they also add to the nice mellow sound which rolls off the tongue and find it's way to appreciative ears. P.S. what you've done with this effort is (quite possibly) created two "potentially" outstanding poems! Kudos for both-smile, and thanks for sharing. TLW	2003-12-11 11:29:01
Establishing Vocabulary	Mell W. Morris	Mell--Almost a total tongue twister just from the intricate descriptors throughout the piece. A supreme and apt title of course-smile. Internal/slant rhymes of man/spans/clan and elated/uncalculated provides a nice melodic rhythm for the first stanza. Internal/slant rhymes of sinks/think, lexicon/halcyon, appeased/please, empyrean/rung/tongues, incomplete/greet in stanza #2 continues the musical ebb and flow of the poem. A unique educational fun piece and not so subtle spoof of poets-smile. A fantastic read, thanks for sharing this effort with us at TPL. TLW	2003-12-09 23:29:31
Awaken	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn--Just a great read! The nice, soothing, calming descriptors (...coolness, ...flowers, caressed..., timid..., ...harp..., ...friend, smiling) and consonants/allierations (strings strumming a soft sigh) employed for the first half of your free verse completely lulled me into a different mindset: I had no idea it was a dream due to my not reading your notes. The (fantastic) turn or twist happened for me right at "...beckoning" and "come with me." I started feeling uneasy for real after alliterations/...cold chill splintered my spine. The last half of the piece was filled with the opposite type descriptors, i.e.,...gray, ...panic, ...death, acid churned.., flaming darts.., fear stabbed my soul (magnificient). Great ebb and flow rhythm with metaphors, assonance/consonants coming at super intervals. Enjambments allows run-ons for better emphasis and breathlessness. The ending was superbly done (even with the one little spelling hiccup-struggled)! I share your mixed emotions about the piece: it could very easily be both, a premonition or nightmare (or something in between--whatever that means) Judging from your notes, the jury may still be out-smile. Thanks for sharing such a "mind" tingling effort with your fans at TPL. TLW	2003-12-09 11:51:07
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