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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Latorial D. Faison||Critique Date|
|Bob's Name Is Roger||marilyn terwilleger||Marilyn, Thanks for sharing this poem. I did not get to read the first story, but this second one touched me. You give readers another glimpse of just how precious life and the people around us really are. The conversation aspect of this poem makes the growing relationship, as short as it was, become more real to readers, and we can see how easy and natural it was for "Bob" or Roger to have this kind of impact on you. I think it would be nice if we could be this effected by all of the people that we meet. What a wonderful world it would be (smile). Thanks for sharing this one. It touched me, perhaps just as deep as Bob touched you. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-08-07 21:08:59|
|Inner Peace||Debbie Spicer||Debbie, Yes, inner peace is all of these things and more. Thanks for sharing your version of exactly what it has come to mean to you. I share these sentiments, and I'm sure you have helped other writers to pinpoint the moment. Inner peace can be a moment or a lifetime or a season. I'm sure you've picked up on the typo in the following line already: In order to fine true inner peace (find) Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem. It is what the title says it is, and you so poetically and eloquently say all of the words that reflect what inner peace can mean to anyone at any given moment The hardest part is simply achieving it, laying aside every weight and just achieving it. Thanks for sharing. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-08-07 20:45:54|
|Mr. Moon||Joyce P. Hale||Beautiful Joyce, I think of love and lovemaking when I read this poem, and the natural mooon's beauty is a beautiful backdrop for the occasion. Often Joanne writes of the elements of nature, and the more I read your poems, the more your poetic talent shines through in words like these. I can't find anything to complain about in this poem. It's filled with wonderfully composed lines to complete a theme. MR. MOON is a poem that lovers everywhere could appreciate. Someone I think that simply MOON or MOON's WATCH or MOON something else . . . (smile) might make a sweeter title. The Mr. brings the poem down a notch or it just doesn't seem to quite fit the occasion. I like to think of lovemaking as sultry and spiritual and sacred, somehow MR takes it to another level or not. Overall, I enjoyed reading this one. It is a jewel, reminds me of the Portuguese sonnets or the lovely poems of John Donne on love and the midnight hour. Thanks for sharing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-08-07 13:09:21|
|The City's a Woman...||Joyce P. Hale||Joyce, this is a great poem, and I love how you personify the city as woman. Poets could write many great poems personffying everything as woman (smile). It's just something about who we are that makes everything interesting. This poem seems very well written and the words seem to leap off the page with charisma and class and poetry. It reads very well. It flows well, and the rhythm is an additive. You have creatively chosen a scheme that makes readers want to read on . . . I wondered a bit about the following lines: she is a woman during hours of light, but changes to female for darkness of night. They seem to suggest that woman and female are or can be two different things, and I dare not argue with that because every female is NOT a woman (smile). So, I thought it was a very interesting twist you added to the poem with the inclusino of these lines. I truly enjoyed reading this one, and you certainly provoked my thoughts and made me think. Now, I'm thinking of my own hometown and my own city as woman, and how she moves and makes every day interesting. Great poem. Thanks for sharing it. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-08-07 12:06:45|
|Haiku on Midsummer||Joyce P. Hale||Very good haiku Joyce. And you have chosen just the right "few" words to leave a lasting impression on readers of this short poem. Midsummer and magic are the standout words in line one. Those m sounds are captivating and stand as poetic justice creating this poem and setting the tone. spirits are rampant . . . this line brings a vivid picture to mind, and the third line personifies these spirits and just leave the reader grasping for more or just pondering on a profound thought. Great job. Thanks for sharing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-08-06 22:49:40|
|The Battle For Mount Diablo||Kenneth R. Patton||Very nice tribute and recollection of time probably well spent at a beautiful or cherished spot of nature in our world. I enjoyed the way this poem unfolded. There is no rhyme or rhythm, but the words fit the meaning well and a wonderful picture is illusrated that makes readers feel as though we were there with you. It takes talent to capture the beauty of nature in words, and you've done a great job here. I think I enjoy the "battle" aspect of it all and the personification that you use throughout the poem giving characteristics to nature. Great idea. Thanks for sharing this one. I enjoyed reading it. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-07-27 01:05:05|
|Sonnet to Life||Joyce P. Hale||Great job sticking to the ebb and flow of this chosen form Joyce. I am always intrigued by sonnets and writers' ability to not only remain true to form, but to also deliver a poetically touching message. You give us a message on life here with undertones of faith, and hope and love. There is so much chaos going on in the world today, and where drug activity used to rank number 1, now terrorism and attacks have taken its place. The first stanza of this sonnet addresses some very real things in life. We can't control what others do, and you play on the good vs. evil, the religions and the nonreligious, and both of these play such a key factor in what's going on today. As far as religion is concerned, that's a misconception. Terrorists commit suicide bombings in the name of Allah, but it really has nothing to do with there God. If one would really look, the descendents of Islam are the descedents of the son Ishmael, brother to Isaac, the other son of the Christians Abraham. We have become two different people broken by culture, language and jealousy. Allah is God. The only difference is pronunciation. They're Kuran was taken from our Bible. Along the way, terrorists have become fanatics just as Christianity has its own fanatics. Christians aren't committing suicide bombings, but they are homicidal to the faith. Your first stanza stirs up all of these thoughts for me, but you also give a sense of "this is the way things are right now." Stanza to deals with readers individually, and I like that you bring out the best, the hope of today and tomorrow. In the midst of all of this chaos, we can "cope" and we can go on and live peacefully finding some joy and satisfaction in this life. This poem is so important for people right now because everyday is almost becoming fearfully unbearable to so many people. It's really sad, but thanks for offering hope and reasons in this beautiful sonnet on life. In spite all that we experience daily, there are still many, many reasons to rejoice and to be happy. Thanks for sharing this poem and provoking my thoughts. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-07-13 11:10:48|
|Poetry Distilled||Paul R Lindenmeyer||Put very simply and poetically Paul, this is poetry "distilled." When we take away all of the gibberish, the colloquialisms, the verbiage and such, we are left with the feelings, the emotions, the mystery of the mind that pens the poems. At the root of every poem is a piece of someone longing for someone or something else. You are so right in the observation that you make in this short, but very necessary piece. I love the title. It's almost haiku like in that it has few words that provoke our thoughts and make us think on something profound. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-07-13 11:01:51|
|Cat Lovers.........HELP||Claire H. Currier||Claire this was a rather cute poem and quite interesting. You personify two creatures in what is/could be normal routine for them and give us readers a glimpse of what must be going on in their minds. Very interesting. I like how you write from the cat's point of view, and I think it's clever when you say "man of the house." This poem is also rather intrigquing because you never know what is going to happen. The black mesh bag and being suddenly in the truck next to the dog led me to believe that perhaps the owner was going to turn them loose/give them away on an old country road or was delivering them to someone's home. I never imgained they'd be taking a trip to the vet. Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-07-06 22:17:17|
|Poison Rising||Mandie J Overocker||Poison Rising, The title is most interesting, and that's usually what makes me read a poem on my list, its title. This one is so intriguing because you give us a clue of something bad rising, poison surfacing perhaps in the life or lives of others. It's really ironic that it's posted now, in lieu of the Jackson verdict. YOu may or may not have been writing about that issue, but as I read each line about little ones or young ones being wronged and secrets and the revelation of it, and how it makes one feel, all I could think was "What if Jackson did do it?" And if he did, I can imagine that the words of this poem are what he keeps saying and feeling over and over and over. You have done this is the most piercing way, written about the abuse of a child or children as a poison. You write eloquently of how it becomes a poison within them that perhaps takes over the body and paralyzes it in some ways. The first stanza is breath taking and so well spun with just the right words. Sometimes you can lose a reader after the first stanza, but this stanza just made me want to read on, for I knew that it would get deeper and steeper and more prolific. The sun bears witness To all the darkness the poison welled within This stanza was a strong precursor of what could and what did follow in the rest of the poem. This is talent, not just a poem thrown together. You have taken something so physical and made it metaphysical poet. Great job. You provoked my thoughts and these lines will linger for a long time. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-15 11:54:04|
|Thunder||marilyn terwilleger||Hi Marilyn, I love to read form poetry, as it's something that I'm too wayward to write most times (smile). This one was "just right." The title is simple enough and it allows you to do justice to it in every line. I like that you stick to form without forcing or compromising what you began. The length of this poem suggests that it's something that you put your heart and soul into, or you're just really gifted, and you are (smile). You stick to rhyme, rhythm and meter in every stanza, and when you can choose a form like this and carry it through successfully, it's like graduating from college. Another sign of completion. Everybody can't or won't do this. Free verse is a beautiful thing, and I admire poets who write free verse. But I think that many young writers have become too lazy to even try this type of thing you've accomplished in THUNDER. I think my favorite line is "flowers yawn and mountains shout" In poetry I love personification and alliteration. "Skiitered and scattered," and "filled and spilled" were creative additives for the poem. I used them a lot. You personify nature in this poem so wonderfully. You bring us the storm and then after the storm, and it's a thing of beauty. This poem made me think of how everything has its place in life, right down to the last flower petal and the last drop of rain that falls. You have done something that works so well here. You give a whole new picturesque meaning to the word "thunder." I'm sure that when I hear it, I'll think of this poem and all that came within it. Thanks for sharing. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-10 10:55:12|
|Sometimes||Kenneth R. Patton||Mine too Kenneth. Great observation, and I love the emphasis that you put on "leave me alone." That must be what's going on when we have the feelings, but can't seem to produce the words or pen them on paper. "Sometimes." Great statement. Great truth. Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-07 22:42:48|
|Sins of the Mother||Mark Andrew Hislop||This is wild as wild can be Mark, straight from the garden, and I love it. Yet another allegorical piece that takes me back to the garden. What I love most about this one is all of the word play and word phrases that you have displayed throughout this poem. You get raw with Eden, and you tie the first birth into your own birth, another interesting thing about this poem and lots of your poetry. I felt like I was on a roller coaster reading this one enduring bobs, weaves, twists and loops. You take us for a ride, but you make biblical and philosophical analyses that are so profound here. SINS OF THE MOTHER run deep, from Cain to you to me. Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-07 22:28:27|
|Around the Block||Mell W. Morris||Mell, You hit the nail dead center with this poem. We write for so many different reasons, but all together it's for one reason, because we exist. Because we strive to live, poetry exists, and I think it always will. I love how you recall the words of other poets as you record your own wisdoms on the craft of poetry writing. It's more than a hobby, it's a calling. When you see it as you calling, then it helps to measure what you're worth. Poetry is a duality. There's no doubt about it. Thanks for sharing. Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-07 21:51:07|
|Child in the distance||Mark Andrew Hislop||Mark this is deep and sad and healing and very revealing, but most importantly, it is hopeful. Wow! I write poems about my grandfather who raised me, my father who isn't, and my real father I may never know, and it is great to read of a father wanting what most kids wait their whole lives for . . . to have a real connection. This poem is just moving and so touching. I think it is mostly because it's about a man who may be admitting that he did something wrong where his child is concerned. The world does not always get that, and when we do get it, it's not always a complete package. You have not severely played on words here. Overall, you rely on your feelings, and you can never go wrong with that. I love what you do with the "rod" in the poem. I like that idea of mother's looking upon children to dote on and fathers being the rearers. You know I think that's what's wrong with the world today . . . the breakdown of the family. When families began to break down (to divorce, poverty, etc.), the roles were reversed, and not many people even know who they are any more. Women have been jilted into the workplace as mom and dad, and today men suffer that same burden while many of them struggle to raise children alone. It is no easy task. Behind every word of your poem are probably a million more stories. CHILD IN THE DISTANCE . . . You begin this poem in such a creative way with the picture frame and the illustion, and you carry it the distance. You reveal a lot of lessons, a lot of feeling throughout the poem. I love how you bring it all to an end . . . Some day Iíll hold him close to me again, And until I do Iíll show him to everyone, Iíll show them all Iíll show them all My one good deed Even when there is no relationship, it's important to do what these last four lines suggest. I wonder if my real father even thinks of me. I'll bet your son wonders too. Great poem. Thanks for sharing it this month. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-07 17:21:44|
|verse 70 (Candle)||Erzahl Leo M. Espino||Hi Erzahl, I had not read much of your work this month. This one is a pleasant surprise. What I find most intriguing about this one is that it could fit either the candle itself or the candle maker or the candle lighter. This is a great haiku. Again, a great haiku makes a lasting impression with the few words and syllables that it is allowed. Your first line is very attractive and it poetically gets the haiku off to a fresh start. Its ounds like poetry. It is poetry. "O shadowmaker" This line cast the mood of something Shakespearean. It took me back to the original poets, and sort of set a lovely mood. The second line "Cast your mortal fire once more" continues that plight. The words "cast" and "mortal" and then "once more" have such a delightful coming together. This is not a modern day haiku, or you are not a modern day man. You think in another more perfect century, and the poetic brilliance shines through in poems like these that you write. Often I read poetry more for the way it sounds than for what it means. But in this case, you score 100% on both scales. This peace sounds poetic and lovely and soothing and insatiable, but the meaning is real, and it's truth. Poetry is about truth. You master so many techniques in this form. Well done. Finally, you end the haiku with the most profound 5 syllables poetry readers could ever deserve: "Guide this dark moment" You bring closure, but you have written something provocative, something that could be applicative to so many different variables in life. You outdid yourself with this haiku. I love it. I love it. I love it. The voting is going to be so hard for me this month. Wow! Haiku is not easy to write. Well, it's often easy to come up with 5,7,5 sequences, but to come up with something that we can call poetry is really hard. You did it again. Congratulations on a great haiku, and thanks for sharing it. Keep on writing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-05 20:52:09|
|The Crow Haiku||Duane J Jackson||Duane, You did it (smile)! I liked it too. Crow in the twilight . . . this first line is very vivid and illustrative. I immediately painted a picture of a crow and tried to envision it at twilight. The words are poetic, and great for the first line, Haiku are best when the right words are used in brevity and beauty. Perched on an old church steeple . . . the fact that you used a church steeple here painted another pictures for me and made the haiku more real, more poetic and even more beautiful. The second line carries a lot of weight. Praising Creating . . . and you end with a profound act and/or statement which leaves the reader in deep thought and pondering this crow. In fact, I think you could title this THE CROW. You did a great job. Thanks for sharing it. Perhaps we'll see more. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 22:21:16|
|Gripping Dirt||Dellena Rovito||Dellena, This title is very interesting. I like it. I have read this poem several times over to get a grasp on what it gives to me. I see in this poem someone who has come to a crossroads. It appears the speaker has come to a halt and is in search of self. That's the ultimate journey in life, I think, for everyone, figuring out who we are and what our main purpose in life is. You have chosen an interesting poetic structure, and it does work well. The poem reads smoothly, and the meaning is illustrated nicely. I like the last stanza where the speaker mentions "searching between the trees and brush entwined/for courage, insight and purpose to call as mine" I think those lines summarize what it is the speaker is after. Many, many readers will be able to identify with this and feel the longing in each line. I feel that this poem is honest and sincere. Most profound and prolific is the very last line. It's an awesome line: "teach me what must be taughth, to know of who I am" This last line carries so much weight. It relates to so many sayings and proverbs that exist. For example, one must learn from his/her experience or you can't go forward in life until you know where you've come from. In this line you speak to the greater power, to nature and to life saying just teach hme what I need to know to know who I am. When we know who we are, when we realize our own power that lies within, the sky really is the limit. It's such a great feeling to realize the purpose of one's life. I'm 32, married, with kids, a poet, writer, educator and publisher, and some days I still ask the question "What am I here for?" Gripping Dirt is a great title because it could be symbolic to the dirt from which we've come, if you believe in God's creation. I think it's important to identify with our beginning in order to know where life and God is trying to lead us. Great poem. Thanks for sharing it. Keep on writing. You've written some great selections this month, and I've enjoyed them. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 20:07:08|
|Tiny Tragedy||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||Nancy, This is a cute poem. You know . . . I went out to my truck this morning at 9:40 am, and all of these tiny mosquitos surrounded it, and it freaked me out. I was wishing for a bug zapper, for when I opened the door, many of them flew into the truck. It was a miserable drive getting there (smile). Poetry is such a great thing because interestingly enough one can capture just about any idea and make it intetresting and good as pie. That's how much I enjoyed your poem. When I first saw the title on my list, I somehow thought it would be about some human tragedy, perhaps a child's misfortune, and I was a bit relieved when I read the poem. I think I love the second stanza more because it concentrates on their demise. In the first stanza you paint a nice picture of them (smile). The structure is great. It flows well, and the rhyme and rhythm make it a joy to read. The length causes you to read it again and again to enjoy the way this poem sounds. It's poetic, and you are truly gifted. Everybody can't write about everything. But good poets can write about anything. Well done. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 19:51:24|
|Visions 6453||hello haveaniceday||Barbara, this is a very interesting poem. After reading it several time, I see where the VISIONS fit into the reality of this poem. I'm guessing that the 6453 is something a little more specific that only you, the writer, would know or others who just happen to be close to you. Then again, I'm not that well read, so I wouldn't know if it was something in the latest news. First, let me say that this piece read well and sounded more than poetic with the coming of each hline. It's a joy to read, and is true poetry. Secondly, I think the format is a huge asset to the success of the poem. You keep it brief and neat tthroughout. I love the use of the short statements and few words to make your point and carry the story along. It's done very well. Although I found myself mesmerized with the words of each stanza, I absolutely adore the first one: too long her fingers ached his touch too short never the dreamer 'til she waked The picture that you paint with the words long and short are phenomenal, a symbol that sometimes life is just not enough or love isn't or someone isn't. Fingers and touch are the essence of the most sensual sense that we have as humans, but as lovers, touch is sometimes the only sense. "Never the dreamer/'til she waked" . . . this one carries an irony that makes readers stop and think about the profundity of what's been said. You go on to create poetic brilliance in every line giving me a poem more differentt than anything else I've read this month. Thanks for sharing these "visions" with us and the beauty of your creativity. This is a fine poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 11:33:50|
|Lost Love||Donna Carter Soles||Donna, all of the aches of losing a love appear in this poem, and you have written it very well. You didn't skip one beat. There were no errors at all. You give us blow by blow a list of the memories, the hurt and the pain that are endured day in and day out, moment by moment. It's never fair to love someone this much and get nothing in return but a bunch of broken promises and memories of something that will never materialize into greatness. I see the want in each verse. I sense the madness in each verse, and a reader can't help but feel the pain and sadness. It's funny how being in love is connected to so much more of everything else we do in life. Most people who love at all, love hard, and when that love disappears, the hurt is all the more painful. I don't view this poem as just another opportunity to rant and rave about losing a love, but it's an opportutnity to share one's feelings about LOVE LOST. The title is perfect. Though I continue to hear your song, My lonely heart only cries so long. These first to lines are signature because when you're in love everything is musical. The earth sings. Everything in life sings to a wonderful unified beat. It's so important to show where you once are in love. You move from the most beautiful music you've ever heard to the loudest and most painful cries you've ever endured. Lost love can do this to us. Dark, empty days are all I've known As you chose to leave me all alone. You gave no comfort to my grieving heart, We never know why people leave relationships that they once claimed meant so much to them. Darkness and emptiness are often what is left when we're left with something that we'll never understand or have answer too. However, I do believe that time heals all wounds and brings resolve eventually. Without your love -- can I survive? Those promises of love were only lies. I felt your words to be so divine; I never believed you could not be mine. All we have is someone's word, and when they take it back, it's such a waste, such a facade, such a lie. You call it what it is. Some survive, and others don't. It depends on individual strength and how you view life. When you realize that there is so much more to life than being in love, you can move on. But often if you've tied your whole life into another person, it's hard to carry on. But the strength can be found to do so. Shades of sorrow now color me; (I like this illustration, shades of sorrow. Because when you're feeling bad about losing someone, the sadness comes and goes in varying degrees. Some days are better than others, and you paint an accurate picture of that with this line. It's poetic too.) I never knew what love would cost. (When this happens, we're less likely to love so hard the next time or at all costs because honestly, losing is no fun) Great poem on losing love poet. You pour out your heart and soul showing readers the true sadness and sorrow of having given all to be left with nothing but memories. Excellent. Thanks for sharing it, and I enjoyed reading it. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 11:23:36|
|Every Other Night, At The Paradise Cafe||Rick Barnes||Rick, I love this poem. It seems honest and pure and bold to write. So many things are left unsaid in life, and I think that poetry helps us make up for lost time and lost words. The title is great. I can never come up with great titles, but this one is a jewel for what you bring to the readers in each line here. You paint a picture of a life that is often overlooked in real life. People do have their importances, and it's funny how they nonchalantly find themselves taking places in our lives. My favorite lines from this piece were: She wasnít just a paragraph Or a phrase On the occasional page (She wasn't just some person we see in passing each day who comes to have no meaning for us because of what people think she is or where she comes from. Everyone is someone to somebody, and it's so intriguing that she would find a place in your hearts. It's almost natural that you'd write a page for her. It's what writers do. They pay attention to what and who others overlook in life) She was a novel unto herself. (Dynamite line here! She was. She is. We all are. But who will pick us up and read us, that is the question? It's like any other novel. We aren't all interested in Danielle Steele's writing, but so many people out there are, and I can only imagine that so many people will be attracted to the genuine nature of this poem. I love it. You make great comparisons to writing with this woman and very deservingly so. If nothing more, you'll make readers think about women who resemble her, and you'll make us think about people that we see from day to day, or every "other" day in our lives differently. That's the point, and that's an important point to make. We get so caught up in our little lives that we forget that everybody else is someone else too. It's great that you are drawn to her). But why must I write it? Why canít I let her Pedestrian through my life Like so many other people On any other San Francisco night? (Because this is your destiny. She was part of your destiny, and this poem will do somebody somewhere some good in life). Thanks for sharing it. I think that it is a wonderful poem. I wasn't sure if "self-self satisfied" was a typo or intentional. I think it could work they way you've written it though. Great poem Rick. I'm glad I had the chance to read it this month. Keep on writing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 08:31:50|
|Broken||Terrye Godown||Terrye, This is one of the best I've read all month and in a long time. This poem touched my soul, my spirit, my heart. I commend you for taking the time to write it all down, and I don't think you missed a beat. I don't know the story, but the way you tell it poetically here comes across so real. I feel as though I was looking through a window of your mother's life. She seems angelic. You know the issues that you presented here are the issues that lots of moms (and even dads today) and mostly children face. These types of memories are shared by so many. I think that you begin the poem in a great way. You begin it with, the "so-called" end of her married life, but the remainder of the poem shows that life goes on. Apparently, this wonderful woman knew how to make a lot with a little. That's what so many mothers lack today. It is obvious that she cared for and loved her children so much. If not, she might have gone crazy at the thought of her husband leaving. So many women do, and that leaves the kids with absolutely no one. I love the language that you wrote in this piece. The "double duty" and the "sparkly pants" are added pieces of zest, and keep the reader intrigued and involved in the story. It reads like a poem, but you give us a sad story, a resilient story of a woman and the last 50 years. How great that education was a force in the lives of her children. The font you chose to display this piece in was also an added touch to the mood of the poem. Honestly, it brought tears to my eyes, but in the end I celebrate with you the life of this woman, your mother who deserves to be cherished over and over again. When you look back on life, you still have the memories, and they don't change. They just become more poignant. That's what I keep telling my friends and family. These wounds are still fresh just like their yesterdays unfolded a moment ago. I'm sure you already picked up on the typo in "thirty" in the first stanza. No big deal (smile). This one's a beauty. I certainly have to revise my winner's list now. Tough, but worth it. Great job here. You gave me power. I write a lot of poems like this, about my life and my memories. It's great to see someoen else honestly and boldly capturing truth and adversity in poetry still. Keep on writing. I enjoyed reading this one. God bless your mom. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-04 08:16:45|
|Online dating||Mark Andrew Hislop||Mark, This was just the cutest thing I've read all month. You make me laugh, and you make me think. You know I always wonder what those dating sites and online dating can be like. Whew! You've told me in one very nice poem, and I think you've covered the spectrum. The entire time I was reading your poem, and all of the different letters from various Mrs. Wrongs, I was thihnking about a comedian I saw recently who characterized online dating much in the same way that you have. However, I think that your poem made it more real for me. The typing is such an integral part of online dating. I'm so anal about spelling that I'd probably never date anyone who couldn't write me a descent letter or woo me with words. I think you show that this online dating thing can get to be a bunch of BS, and after time, you sign off for real. I think you chose an interesting set of responses to show. The poem read very well, and I like how you've constructed the poem with your responses and the other individual's letters. The title is just right too. What else could you call it? Online faking maybe (smile), but these letters seemed awful honest, especially that one about having the gastric bypass. Most people really lie about what they look like in those ads sometimes. Thanks for poetically adn intriguingly showing me the ins and outs of online dating. I enjoyed it. Good job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-03 20:41:13|
|Blood Run's Cold||Claire H. Currier||Claire, Excuse me for saying this . . . but this is one of the best darn poems you've ever written. It appeared on my list, and now I see why it's in the winner's list. This poem is everything a poem should be: bold, daring, truthful and in touch with real emotions. "Blood Run's Cold" Right away, you bring skepticism to mind with this kind of title. Most people thing of warm hearted and warm blooded, but with cold blood ... anything goes sometimes (smile). So, this is a great title, and they are topped off by the last stanza of your poem. The poem becomes shocking the more you read, because the reader begins believing that this is going to be a simple nature poem about someone's walk in the woods. But by the middle we see that it's more than just a walk. This is a life walk. This is a ritual. This can be big. It can be the end or the beginning of new life. The sun fades over Mount Tully Though it has not been bright These past few months This first stanza sets the scene well. The sun is supposed to be a bright thing, but you give a subtle hint that things have not been well, or they could have been better. I saw this during my first read, but I kind of ignored it. I said "Nahh, this is Claire . . . it's going to be a happy nature poem" (smile). In my mind I see myself Taking a walk deep into the woods Surrounding our home The keys words here are "In my mind..." For some reason, I read these lines, but I skipped right over their reality and plunged into the idea that you were actually walking in the deep woods. Again, I was tricked. It's always great to change your style and your ideas every once in a while to shock the readers (smile). You do a great job of that here with this poem too. I catch a glimpse of the deer drinking from a nearby brook Knowing the bears live deeper in I tend to turn the other way What is even more interesting is that you speak of guns and perhaps doing bodily harm to one's self here, but there's a clue that this individual really does not want to die and has no intention of taking his or her life. The clue is that the individual turns "the other way" to avoid the bears. Clever, clever, clever of you Claire. This is like a mystery when you look more closely at it. The birds are chirping their heavenly songs The Lord is most happy This time of day Here you speak of singing and of heaven, and this is where the pace changes. You speak of the Lord and happiness, and this stanza gives hope to whatever feelings of uneasiness and gloom or sadness that were previously entertained. A change comes here. I often think of what it would be like To be free as a bird Yet here I am Alone with my tortured mind This stanza is the honest to God's truth, and I am so glad that you could write what so many people are afraid to admit (for many reasons). You reveal the torture, the hurt and the pain. Everyone does, but so many of us are afraid to admit it. We continue the facades, and no lessons are learned. No healing comes. The greatest healing often comes in simply being able to admit something. You reveal those truths in this poem, and you give power to those who have not yet been able to do so. I have my trusted gun by my side Just in case I told myself (just in case what? you saw a bear? or decided to shoot yourself?) This lines is a very nice touch to the poem. I love statements that leave the reader(s) guessing and surmising. Yet I know when I find the place I will stop and take a rest This place that you speak of is symbolic. It could be that place in the woods, or it could be that place in your life when you just know you have arrived. This is another fabulous set of lines. It is then I will begin to shoot holes perhaps in a foot or two and just sit back Watching my blood run This is the most profound, prolific and shocking stanza of the poem. Just sitting back and watching the blood run suggests many things. It's like not wanting to die, but wanting to feel the pain, wanting to someone feel that relief comes through suffering. And it very well may. You have offered some perplexing ideas in this poem, and I simply love it. Again, this is one of the best poems I've read this month. I like the twists and turns it takes. I like the subtle suggestions. I love it. Great job Claire. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-03 16:57:19|
|High Tide||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Medard what a great way to capture the memories of a place you have come to love. I enjoyed this poem myself because I love the calm beach scene. If I could spend my life there, I would. I think it's very effective the way you reinforce the title and the theme in the last line of each stanza. Often when rhyme and rhythm aren't the goal, it is wise to throw in a technique such as repetition. That's the great thing about poetry. We can use old techniques or create new ones, because each poem becomes our very own. I've read a lot of beach poems and poems about the tide, but none like yours. It is truly yours. You make every line a contribution to the picture you seek to paint for the readers. "I am on the beach watching seagulls feed Dolphins swim by to entertain me" These lines with their words are a great way to begin the poem. You don't leave the reader guessing, and we who love the beach love to see the seagulls, the dolphins and lots of swimming (smile). Waves sweep the sand then drain away (I could sit and watch this act for hours, and we have. It's what many beach goers do. This is one of the major aspects of the therapy that can come from a love for the beach) In the distance, the shrimp boats work (This made me curious as to exactly which beach you were writing about. The shrimp boats. They would be nice to watch. I've never had the chance. I guess it depends on where you are. I spend most of my time on southeastern beaches in VA, NC and SC and a few islands off of Georgia. I haven't beached in Florida yet.) There are so many wonderful characteristics of nature on the beach, and you capture all of the beauty in the poem while the "tide" creeps up on you. Perhaps you've spent days watching pelicans and shell finders. I find it amazing and great that you've had the time to do it. A pink sun rises from the horizon High tide is sneaking up on me (There's nothing more beautiful than watching the sun rise and set, but to actually see it from the beach is just heavenly. Again, you keep adding more beauty to the poem each time you introduce a new facet of beach life in every line). The sea oats cling desperately to the dunes (Here you stomped me, as I know nothing of sea oats and dunes. So the poem is teaching. I'll have to do my research. I know what dunes are, but I rarely see them on the beaches I'm on. A sea oat . . . I'll have to look that up. Thanks for challenging me --smile). Beachcombers are looking to find the best shells (I've certainly been guilty of this) I remember long ago when I was a child How amazed and delighted I was by this shore Nothing has changed, the waves are forever (This was my favorite line in the whole poem. The waves really are forever. Usually, once a beach lover . . .always a beach lover. You have given me hope for when I spend a week on the beach in July. I'm going to think about your poem when I'm sitting there. I may even get up to watch the sun rise or go back to watch the sun set. I've been inspired to be a little more observant after reading your poem). Thanks for sharing. You certainly peeked my interest, and it's just great to see that people are still writing about what they love and what keeps them alive (or what kills them; smile). That's what poetry is all about. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-03 08:28:26|
|Spring's Prophecy||Paul R Lindenmeyer||Paul, if poetry can be "gorgeous," this is. I was compelled to read this one because the title intrigued me. I love prophecy (smile). And they say titles aren't important (smile). I like this poem for so many reasons: it's short, sharp, profound, prolific and has underlining biblical symbolism within. I don't normally like nature poems or write them, but this one is about so much more than the rain. You have dressed a poem about life in the clothes of mother nature. I marvelled when I read "Lazarusian" because i knew that something powerful and great and awesome would follow, and it did. at the summons of sunshine's (this word "summons" helps to set the tone/stage, as Christ did summons Lazarus to "come forth.") with Lazarusian reply, (I don't think I've ever read anything quite like this; it's so poetically amazing that you made this connection/comparison) the tulips and daffodills left their verdigris tombs. (Here, I actually pictured the tulips and daffodils dragging their dead stems back into the marvelous light, rising from the dead. I could totally appreciate this line and this poem because outside my kitchen window I watch my flowers repeat this ritual almost daily. They open. They close. Every time I think they're dead, a day later, they seem more alive and beautiful than I could ever imagine). Can the resurrection of the Roses be far off? (With Christ anything is possible (smile). This was another cute additive to teh poem) The frognarian chorus chants "Soon, soon." These final words are prophetic for all Bible believers, and I think it's so appropriate to end with these words in chants. Makes me think of a hymn or rejoicing at the resurrection of Lazarus. Again, this is quite a poem, and it blew my mind. I can't believe I'm just reading it. Maybe you just posted it. Thanks for shahring it on TPL. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-02 19:21:17|
|Cursed||Dellena Rovito||Dellena, This poem is pretty awesome. i believe that you are writing about writing or even poetry. Well, that's how it appears to me. The language in this poem, as well as the words and style, seem a little different than what you normally submit here. I like the title, and I believe the last line leaves readers stung and stunned. This is the poem that every writer writes at least once in his her life, and sometimes or most often, they never share it with a soul. Thanks for writing it and sharing it. I think this is one of your best poems, not that I've read them all. Let's say it's one of the best ones I've read. It's dark, but it's truth, and that makes the best poetry. I write the best poetry from very dark places, places of my own or other people's places. There's so much to be said for honesty; it's poetic justice. Well done. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-02 19:06:41|
|Early May, the Motherless||Thomas Edward Wright||This is an astounding poem about memories and the motherless. All I could think about while reading this is how grief and sadness and depressiona are linked to eathing. It's been a topic of major interest to me lately, so I find it interesting that the character in your poem eats so, and in the backdrop of the poem he's missing the presence of his mother. You present one of life's toughest challenges. Losing a parent is devastating, but losing the mother is in particular most devastating. At any rate, she's the one who was the constant in the lives of her children. She cooked. She cleaned. She taught lessons. She assures that everything will be alright. You write the poem in such a way that it might appear that this person is masking his feelings for his dead mother in food. It's many different things for different people. At any rate, it's a cover up that prevents us from dwelling on being motherless. I'm not so sure it's a concious effort or not in the poem. Sometimes it just happen. Healing is time consuing. That's one of the longest waits ever, the wait for healing. Thanks for sharing this one. You made me think on my parents, and I really need to be. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-01 03:17:15|
|Golden Moment||Mark D. Kilburn||You have more than appropriately title thihs poem Mark. It is a Golden Moment that we are shown as the lines of this poem unfold. Nature is just natural beauty,and your poem shows that if we just sit back and quietly observe sometimes, we can catch a glimpse of something beautiful, something golden in this chaotic world. Your word choice makes the poem a relaxed and comfortable read. It's not too simple and not too complex. It's just right for the reader's tongue. You have a great sense of observation, and that makes for a great poem whenever it's illustration that you seek. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-01 02:44:25|
|For Ashley||Audrey R Donegan||You end this poem so gracefully. The last two lines are amazing. Underneath the sound, the rhythm and the rhyme there is still a very real message. But what intrigues me most about this poem is your use of words that rhyme and the ight words. Awesome. Out of mind and out of sight leaves me thinking on many things. I think that the format of this poem works well for it. I like how you have written some lines shorter than others, and I'm sure it was the result of letting poetic words sort of fall where ever they may. I think you let them naturally fall and settle in all of the right places with this poem. It reads so well. Thanks for sharing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-01 02:40:24|
|The Secret Love||Helen C DOWNEY||Helen, Let me first say that I really like this poem. I like the title. I like what unfolds in each stanza. It's not too heavy. It's not too simple, but it unfolds just right in a more than poetic way. Your words ring, and readers come to know the depths of this affair, this relationship that blossoms and takes us on the ins and outs of the secret meetings. We feel the fun, and we see the love that exists here between the two. And it's beautiful. We met at the Cafe Le TE It was our usual meeting place to play Where we exchanged many kisses and hugs Tossed our heads back in laughter and clicked clicked our mugs (I wasn't sure if you meant two use the word twice, perhaps CLICK CLICKED . . . ) To continue our journey, to go our way! We would picnic in many different places Run around, laugh, and taste food of many races Ride horses, galloping through many a kingdom (this stanza is so telling and very necessary; it is the backdrop of the secret meetings and brings it all home) Enjoying the winds of our new found freesom (FREEDOM) No one knew from where that we came (perhaps . . . FROM WHENCE WE CAME) I reminded him that he should continue to bekieve (BELIEVE) It was as though the days with him were full and long But in reality they were the length of a song (these two lines are my favorite lines in the poem; such sweet sentiment, a bold statement) For he was from the past In a world that I could no longer last (perhaps, IN A WORLD IN WHICH I COULD NO LONGER. . . ) I awoke from the sound of the alarm. (wow, and to think this was all a dream, literally and figuratviely; this is phenomenal) Thanks for sharing this one at TPL this month. It was great to read and be taken to another place with your words. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-06-01 02:29:58|
|The blood of Malta||Mark Andrew Hislop||Mark, I am perplexed (smile), yet amazed at this one. I love the title. It's so rich, so meaningful, so deep and so suggestive. A lot of images jumped out at me when I read this poem. I see a woman and a man, perhaps you. I see a man who perhaps has to neglect his birth right or blood line for the beauty and passion he shares when he looks upon her. She is striking and awesome, and he is amazed at her beauty, her depths, her soul. This poem is filled with chivalry I think (smile), and some history I'm sure. I just don't know much about it. If I'm right, I believe that the Maltese are a very, very proud people of who they are. As this poem goes on, I see that perhaps this man has been burned or scorched by this tempting woman who he's been willing to give all for, and even so, he's all the more in love with a love that burns. This could be another crazy relationship or just simple, plain love. I think it's far more than simple though. You have spun a lengthy verse of great poetics and words. It seems to flow so naturally, and you are truly gifted in your ability to charismatically tell the tale and bring it to life through form and in a most appealing way to the reader. You first began with selecting a great title. I was intrigued by it, and so read your poem. Thanks for sharing "The Blood of Malta." I sometimes get lost in long poems, but I didn't get lost in the length of this one, only the depths. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-31 20:21:49|
|Stars Alive!||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||This was refreshing Nancy. You took me back to my childhood days with this one. We used to catch the fireflies and watch them sparkle. They were so amazing to me. I like that you have compared them to STARS, live stars, in your poem. We get a sense of their beauty and just how radiant they are. I also love the line "Children's captured prize." Back then we thought that to have caught a mason jar of fireflies was to have Christmas in July. I do remember seeing who could catch the most. We also caught June Bugs (smile). Lanterns snatched from summer skies . . . another great line. You know, my grnadma used to think that it was mean to do this to the animals/insects, to capture and cage things of nature. I think that you were smart to use words like "captured" and "snatched" in the poem because it brings out the other side of this argument. This is an adorable and well written piece. Thanks for sharing it. I certainly enjoyed reading it. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-31 18:25:27|
|BALLET||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||The s and l and b sounds illuminate this poem from without and within. It's nice and cute and such a poem. You bring out the best of your title in each line. It's like a long haiku in which you say perfectly the most important things in each line, while also keeping it brief. You capture the essence of ballet and beauty in this one. The last two lines are my favorites. I'm a fan of alliteration and assonance and the sounds of this poem roll of the tongue so poetically and wonderfully. It's a poem any reader could eat. Thanks for sharing. I hope to read more. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-31 18:19:00|
|Wet Ink||Debbie Spicer||This is a most interesting poem Debbie. I read it, and then I read it backwards. It's just as beautiful reading it in reverse (last stanza first). I like the way that you have pieced this one together. You begin with what seems refreshing, and then midway the poem you move into something more personal, and by the end, we have it. We poets, our main reason for writing most times is to figure out who lives inside us. This takes me back to your title, WET INK, and you bring out the reality of wet ink literally and figuratively in the lines. On a more simplistic level of critiquing, I think that the plural form of words used adds a sparkle to the poem. It actually adds fervor to the fact that this poem is about more than you, its about many different people walking around in different bodies trying to find "their `me'" That was an awesome phrase. Thanks for sharing this one. I can't think of one thing to do better. This is more than good. I loved it. Here you offer an analysis on life, and it's good. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-31 18:15:07|
|Silly Me||Claire H. Currier||Hi Claire, This was a cute poem, and I was totally attracted to it because of the title (smile). I just had to see what you wrote. Unfortunately, there is a lot of truth in this poem. Much of life stays the same, and sometimes people just don't change. As for TPL, this can be a frightening place for new writers, but those who last are those who were meant to be here for whatever reasons. This poem flows along in a playful sort of way, and that makes it such a joy to read. I like how you encourage/welcome new poets. It's so very important to find a friend here at TPL. I'd like to think that we are all friends. Thanks for sharing some great poetic comments about TPL. It's a great place to be. I can't believe that some writers are not being critqiued. This will make me make more of an attempt to read more on my critique list. Thanks again Claire. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-30 22:57:28|
|For The Love Of Aphrodite||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||Nancy, This poem was so much fun to read. I think you did a great job with the story of Aphrodite. Although she is an ancient/mythical character, I couldn't help but see visions of what happens all too often today (young men lead astray because they have fallen to the temptations of the wrong women). It's funny how most of all of those old Greek myths have some true to life value, some great lessons from which to learn. Today, we still have an Aphrodite. It's just that today she comes in the form of many things: drugs, alcohols, gangs, crime, money and all other kinds of abuses. And yes, today, she still comes in the form of a woman. When I read your poem, I think of Samson and Delilah. I think of young men seduced by older women. I think of young men alienating their families for what they believe is a stroke of luck and passion. Your poem is very well written, and the rhyme scheme just pushes it along and makes it a joy to read. I felt like I was reading one of the oldies, but goodies. You certainly outdid yourself with this one. I love the title. I love what you have captured here, and I think I like most that it's a poem that speaks to our times and is very necessary. I hope they listen (smile). Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-30 21:21:51|
|Soul Axis||Kenneth R. Patton||This is an astrologically adorable poem Kenneth. I particularly enjoy how you have brought the terminology to life surrounding life. So often when people think of the stars, they think of how human life is also connected to them and orbits and suns and moons. I love the title "Soul Axis," because without a doubt, there is something that keeps our souls in tune. There is something around which we revolve or for something around which we do. You pose a question in your poem that I think everyone ponders on at some point in life. Why are we here? What are we made of? What are we to do here? It's all about the soul, and it's all about the "core" that you mention or wonder if we have in the poem. You write about an old, old philosophy that still puzzles millions of minds in today's new world of knowledge and findings. We know the physics and the biology, the astrology and the mind, but what do we really, really know? How connected are we to the brilliance of science. This is what leaps out when I read your words. Are we filled with asteroids, pieces of gaseous matter that really don't matter (smile)? This stanza and the next "No Sun/No orbiting . . . " they make me think of what many atheists believe about life, that we just are . . . for no apparent reason and because of no one's doing. We're just here. Your poem took a turn here for me. The wondering seemed not to be as deep, but lessened to a smaller degree of chance, and I think it's great to present two sides of a coin in the poem. I don't know if it was your intent, but it works well. "Just drifting" as so many of us do in life. You bring the poem to a close with sort of a reassurance of your own beliefes. The Big Bang metaphor/analogy was great, and "coalesced" is such a great word to end the last thought. Magnificent poem. All around, I love the title, the word play, and the meaning behind the words. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-30 15:44:11|
|Letter to My Friend||Claire H. Currier||Claire, this is a very interesting poem, and most of all, I love how it touches on the importance of a person as well as the importance of what other's leave behind for us to treasure. I can see how you felt compelled to write a poem about it, and you did it very well. Another additive, was the fact that you wrote this based on a photo. This entire poem has such an archaic mood because of how you have come to write it, and then the candle holder is the surprise connection to your grandmother and the beauty of her memory. This poem flowed very well. It was easy to read, and I think the essence of it is being able to see treasure in life and being able to write letters to and of those treasures. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-26 14:38:20|
|Lost Years||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Medard, I think what lies within this poem is one of the main reasons God created poetry. I first chose to critique this poem because of your title. I was wanting to write about LOST YEARS in my life, and I needed something to push me on, and I found your poem filled with reality. From beginning to end, I sense and honesty about you and the choices that you have made. I see a lot of redemption here. I'm not so sure the speaker is content with the present state of things; however, he/she does seem willing to let things remain. You bring out some very good images throughout the poem. I think I particularly loved most the image of the wall being built up around the self letting no one in or out. Secondly, I thought it was very clever to use self-analysis as your basis here. I'm sure you could have blamed many things on many other people in your life, but you do not do that. This is a sure sign of someone who has crossed over in life. I think we spend the first half of our lives sometimes criticizing others or blaming others, and in the second half we see things and people for what and who they really are. Your poem can serve in many ways. In some ways it's a testimonial encouraging others to take advantage of every moment and every meaningful thing in life, not to take it for granted. You paint a very good picture poetically of what the end can be like when we take some things for granted. I like the free flow of this poem. You don't force the reader to stick to any kind of rhyme scheme. It's free verse, and that's so fitting as the words that appear in each line seem to flow freely in meaning, but you make such a profound statement with this poem about life. You show us that sometimes we can't easily redeem the years lost to other chaos. This is a priority poem. Thanks for pointing to a few of the things in life that should not effect us and also those that should. Keep on sharing life in your work. It's great. I enjoyed this poem, and I look forward to reading others. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-25 21:59:49|
|Gentle Touch||Claire H. Currier||Claire, This one moved me to tears. It's so easy to complain about little things, but I think that we need to hear and read poems like this every day to remind us of just how good God really is. I like that you begin the poem like the 23rd psalm. He is our shepherd, and you go on to tell or affirm that psalm by giving us a closer look, a fine testament of your hope, faith and love. I believe that we are living in serious times, and on a serious note, these kinds of words are what will hold us all together until the day our lives on this earth come to an end. I find your strength is this poem amazing. I am so glad that God brought you through all of that pain and sickness because now you live to tell the story of HIM, and it's all about HIM. Great poem Claire. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-25 12:36:13|
|Black Satin||Audrey R Donegan||This is what love or addiction can do to us when it comes to the opposite sex or what we believe is the best thing that ever happened to us. Your words are enticing line by line by line. Your poetry is so good, and I find that also with this one, I could have it totally right or totally wrong. This could be about someone who is in love with the right person, or it could be about someone just so addicted to something because it's become the norm (whether it's good or bad). I thought there were some subtle hints in the poem that could lead the reader to believe that there may have been a little abuse here or something that just isn't quite righth. "speechless servitude" "stifling strength" and then "Black Satin" could be many things. It could be the sexual love bed, or it could be the lining of a coffin. It really could go either way. You do an awesome job of keeping the reader guessing in this one. I think that's clever and creative. Thanks again for making me think. Very impressive poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-21 22:59:37|
|Father Dearest||Audrey R Donegan||Audrey, This is a very touching poem. So many people have lived what lies therein. Here you lay out a father/daughter relationship in which she was at the mercy of someone who appeared to be of great stature and importance. This poem gives me two pictures 1. one of a real father and daughter 2. one of perhaps an orphaned child and a priest or pastor Whichever relationship, the end result is still a powerful and necessary one. It shows us how children can b e haunted even in adulthood by characters who preyed on them as children. You don't forget the words they say and the things they do. You lay this poem out carefully choosing all the right words, and you leave a lot to be pieced together. I think that's a clever thing to do. This is a poem about abuse. It could be mental, emotional or even sexual. It could be all of these. In the end you possess your own self in a way that most victims must in order to come to terms with life. The characters in this poem are so important as they paint pictures of what really happened and what still happens with so many innocent children. You illustrate that you have to take back your innocence often as adults. This is a good revelation poem. It's poetic and well written. I think the title just sets it all in motion. It's a great pun (smile). You speak to so many issues in just one poem. Children are the future, and any crime against their innocence is a crime against the humanity of us all. Scars are often left. We do get the sense that the child in the poem is about to move on. What a great ending. Thanks for sharing this one. It was very interesting to read. Great job. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-21 22:51:41|
|senryu||Rachel F. Spinoza||Rachel, I love the way this comes across. The words are so poetic and not just thrown together. Well crafted Rachel, and most importantly you make a daunting political statement. In a time of war, we can certainly use this poem as a type of reflection or an analysis. I'm not sure if you're speaking of something in history or something in the present; however, I think that it's appropriate for right now when we sit back and see all of the trappings of war in Iraq. You hit several nails directly on the head with this short poem. When I read it, I think of Abu Ghraib. I think of the US soldiers. I think of England and Tony Blair's ties to Bush and this war in Iraq. I think of lies. I think of everything unimaginable that has happened, and ultimately, this poem is so appropriate as a social and political analysis of what we've experienced these last couple of year. Great write. The greatest thing is that you capture a magnanimous thought so well in very few words. Now that's poetry. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-21 08:59:24|
|Millennium Lady||Helen C DOWNEY||Hi Helen, I'm not the most knowing person, but I think this poem is about the Statue of Liberty. If I'm right, and even if I'm not (smile), it is beautifully written. I think that the two stanzas bring out a lot in a brief way. You do a great job with the words you've chosen. "Encompassed, shrine of beauty, cold intrepid waters, . . . " When we think of lady liberty, she has withstood many tests of time. I'm so glad she was not a part of the 9/11 attacks. You bring even more beauty to her in this tribute poem, and I can't offer one suggestion. I think it's long enough and you poetically give creedence to the beauty of a great monumental phenomenon. Great poem. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-19 17:46:31|
|Letters||Audrey R Donegan||Audrey, I'm sure many lovers have felt the pain of what lies in the lines of this poem. I think that ht etitel is simple and very appropriate. I like one word titles for subjects that get complicated, and you accentuate these "letters" so profoundly that the reader can see how integral they are, how meaningful they have been. Most of all, this poem makes a statment about relationships and what can happen when time passes, and time does pass. I think that ultimately, although you're not forceful, you show that there's a resolution to the illusion, that time does change how people really feel. That's what is so mystical about love and relationship. If we can see them or, in this case, communicate with them, we can maintain the bond. But once we lose site of someone, and then lose that communications (letters), it's like they disappear. I think that this poem illustrates that there must be something to hold on to, to keep it going. I also think, you poetically point to the reality that two people may never agree on when the right time to break a tie really is. It might not ever be right, but life goes on. Thanks for sharing this poem. It was another good one that made me stop and think. I can't really suggest any changes for this one, because I think it's already a great piece. Perhaps in the following line, the wordj [Reminded] might work, to keep the verb tenses equal and flowing: "Reminding me of your wanting eyes" I don't know. You may not have meant it the way I actually read it. Check it out. Good write. Can't wait to read the next one. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-05 20:29:17|
|The Times||Audrey R Donegan||Hi Audrey, Let me first say that I'm glad you are at TPL. You bring a new, fresh style of poetry for me, and I love it. We all get so used to reading each other here, and this is the second poem of yours that I've read. You are a "true" poet. I had to read the first stanza of this poem again because it stunned me so. You are one of those persons that I read 1.) Just because you poetically piece something together that "sounds" so wonderful. Your words are not only pleasing to the ears, but also to the tongue, and I'm not trying to flatter you. This is my favorite kind of poetry to read, and while you write it well, you address issues in this poem so subtly, but yet so abruptly. It's almost as if you are treading on higher ground with just a little bit of caution. Your words leave readers stung (as I've written in one of my older poems). This is real poetry. When this poem began, I first thought you were referring to someone who was dead and gone (sleeping through this generation), but as the poem nears its end, I think more that you are referring to babies still in the womb. I don't know what your intent is, but I think that these are two wonderful themes to connect subliminally in the poem. Life and death, infancy and being elderly. Finally, what I loved most was "sleep now" and how it begins every line, sets just the right pace for the poem. It also sets the mood/tone. I would even use it as the title "SLEEP NOW." Great job. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you'll submit this for publication. It's a wonderful, wonderful poem. Keep on writing, and I'll be reading. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-05 12:42:39|
|Subtle and not so Subtle Racism||Mark D. Kilburn||Mark this poem shines with all of the might of Fredrick Douglass and the countless other smart black men who lived and live the stuggle. Thanks for penning something to make us all think twice about what really is and what isn't. Things have changed, but I wouldn't use the word "drastic" when I say that. I love the way you begin this poem. You point to a wrong that white America has carried out for centuries and still continue to. No doubt, somewhere in history there were some nice white folks who pitied us. But where were the white folks who said, "I'll be damned if you gone treat this boy this way -- over my dead body?" That's the good white American that Black America needed to set us free. There may have been a few, but they damn sure didn't make the history books, and we didn't either, not until we started writing our own books. I hope that you will submit this poem far and wide, because its truth deserves to be read and anthologized for our generations and the generations to come. You have shown us the racism of the past, and yet the second half of the poem points to what's still wrong with the world today. It's the same ole' same ole' stuff. It's tough being black. Thanks for illustrating the painful reality that I believe will always exist as long as there is black and white. This is an excellent write. Thanks for sharing. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com||2005-05-03 22:55:06|
|Scarlet Embers||Audrey R Donegan||Audrey, This is a dynamite poem. The format and structure are just right, and I'd have a hard time believing that you sat and planned them (the structure) because the words seem to just fall perfectlly where they may. ' Enticing, to begin with, is the very title of the poem "Scarlet Embers." It's a fiery, hot, bold beginning that leaves the readers only guessing what could come next. We get the feeling that it will be different, but also very pleasing. What follows is something so serene, poetic and profound. The very first stanza of the poem teases me into just whipping out my own thoughts on paper. There is beauty / in my / self-inflicted / daily death. We poets love to mix beauty and sadness, and great moments with death. This line is so alive, yet so telling of a dark place or perhaps a very dark, but exciting place. I could relate so much to this, and when I write lines like this, people who know me are sometimes afraid, but they just don't know poetty, how it works, and what penning a phrase like this truly means. The words are much more than skin deep, and I think that you do an awesome job to begin the poem with such lines. Excellent. In the second stanza, you offer a backdrop for the drama (nighttime and LA). These two sugggestions are enough to make readers think for a long time. Watching in awe as renegade winds set free the fluorescent bright burning scarlet embers This stanza brings out even more of the nightlife in LA. The flourescent lights as scarlet embers. What metaphors you bring for all of the sex, drugs and more sex and the trouble that comes with it. There's a whole lot of sinning going on in LA, too much in a minute, and you delicately play with the reality of the reality of what is really there. It's not just a word on a page. You have inscribed in time, in such a picturesque and pleasing literary way, the essence of the place. I think that the title is very appropriate. You maintain the subject thoughout, and you even leave us thinking where the author fits into the scheme of things. We could, or I could, make a lot of suggestions about where one might fit in, but somehow, I don't feel as though you are the real reason that you wrote this poem. I think you're making a social commentary that crosses many boundaries. This is a great write. The words are delicately present, but they cast a strong impression on the reader. Thanks for sharing a great piece this month. Latorial www.latorialfaison.com Carrying them upward beyond our time to flicker come to peace and extinguish into smog.||2005-05-03 22:47:16|
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