Marcia McCaslin's E-Mail Address: idocountry@aol.com
Marcia's Favorite Song: Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys


Marcia McCaslin's Profile:
Hello all. It's March 2004--my how time flies! Time to update my profile. Well, I still think I'm a songwriter--some days I wonder why I think that! I continue to write country tunes and delight in great country titles. I like to rhyme things, but am not always sure it's poetry. Like to read the poetry of others and like to comment on their efforts. I got sick and was forced into retirement; then I got better and now have a part-time job I enjoy. Try to raise tomatoes and peppers in the 100 days of summer that we get here in Jackson Hole Wyoming. Look forward to our exchanges on The Link.

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Below you will see ALL of the Critiques that Marcia McCaslin has given on The Poetic Link.
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Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

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Displaying Critiques 51 to 94 out of 94 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Marcia McCaslinCritique Date
japanese verse 44 (Cross)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl -- this poem was at the bottom of my list and by tomorrow it will have slipped away. I wish the system didn't do that, but it does and we have to work around it, don't we? This is absolutely amazing to me what you have captured in 3 lines (again). Emblem of my faith serves as your summary or Cover Page--then, turn the page, and the picture--sparce, stark--but it's the opposites of straight "against twisted" that captures me so. You could not have chosen a more apt opposite to your straight line towards Heaven, than 'twisted' and to make it your adjective for world just signs, seals and delivers it for me! This is not the work of a self-righteous person at all, Erzahl--quite the opposite, I'd say, but it is certainly a strong senryu for the Easter Season. It is interesting how my eye takes me on a little journey beginning with Emblem-to-straight-to-twisted. Do you notice how this happens too? Another very fine effort. My Best, Marcia2004-04-09 01:02:43
In This Light I Am BlueThomas Edward WrightHi Tom--ok I downloaded the "wallpaper"--and am 'dug in' for the critique. You are a man of many voices, I must say--not just one slant at life do you see. This poem is painfully interesting. I could be wrong, but I'm saying the girl has died--perhaps accidental or not-so overdose, because she tells you she's Circling your sun, with the top down--waiting...in the Camaro, haloed for eternity, waiting for you. This person really loves/loved you, and perhaps you were her Guardian but as so often happens with those we Guard, they take more and more of us until we can't guard that much. She is talking as though she is drugged, (or just a teenager--laugh here) or even speaking to you in broken sentences from 'the other side.' Now, Tom, if I have this all wrong--don't re-write it, for heaven's sake. I'm just telling you my thoughts and wouldn't be even commenting if I weren't wonderfully intrigued. When I 'read' somebody, I sort of know what to expect, but you wear so many hats that it's a grab-bag--or should I say, surprise. If only you'd known I was a - was a...what? She finally amends her first thought with "felt this unbelievably blue." Her sentences come out 'real', but we sense something is not quite right with her at this moment. Lest one day I swallow the pink pills (see them there) I like the use of the color pink to contrast with your blue title--it even connotes that this problem doesn't belong to the pink gender or the blue gender but to troubled people in general. Anyway, color is always good (IMO). When you say (see them here)--that hits me POW--we see them, we begin to suspect that perhaps...just perhaps. Otherwise, why would they be mentioned? Or wear a vest of plastics and walk into Jupiter and Detonate the both of us into solar system-ic dust ah, the other modern choice of suicide--why the hyphen after system--is she unsure about the word and adds the 'ic' as an afterthought or a guess---maybe it's the hiccups. Drinking will give you hiccups! The second S. begins to blame you, the Guardian, again but we suspect that beneath the blame is a very low self esteem that can't look itself in the eye. YOu hear a lot of that these days--some people are always the victim--it's always someone else's fault. But this verse gives us a clear insight to the problem and where the poet is taking us with the problem. No, you wouldn’t. At least – Well, if you’d known I was this beautiful – Would you have bought – borrowed, more likely – flowers? This is my favorite verse. It is so honest--we don't expect to hear her saying it about herself. And--well, what kind of difference could it have made? Does she think you'd have paid her more attention had you known beforehand she was "this beautiful." Why would you have "borrowed" and not "bought" her flowers. Then she's asking how you would "paint this"--and the O pain! mid-thought is cutting. What would think about adding the blue to this verse to tie back to your title and your theme? The last verse is either saying she is dead, esp. with the haloed effect--or else she will constantly circle you, with the top down, enjoying your brilliance (approval? admiration?). The last verse is perfect (as far as I understand it). I think she's overdosed--what do you think? My best, Marcia 2004-04-08 23:04:54
Night MovesLynda G SmithWow, Lynda, another deep and right-on-track assessment of what your eye sees. This, to me, is the All-Seeing-Eye who broods above the city clouds and records the earth's "winless fight". You have certainly covered a lot in these few lines--I think essays could be written on what you have said. The "overhead" "divisible" "Beneath" is a most effective use of format, almost dividing your thoughts into chapters for us. mornings's mediation/mind/matter/moment take me by the hand down the gentle path of alliteration, making the violent earth/city more palatable. Good poetry will do that. charge/clouds/quarrel give another alliteration--and the first S. is like a bolt of lightning really, as it comes at you with electrical charges and makes this reader want to "take cover". bruised and battered night becomes a fear---you know, that is exactly the fear I feel when I'm in a city of any size. For a country person like me, it's a frightening place to be. This gives me goosebumps, albeit psychological! Your "divisible" word comes right in the middle of your two thoughts, your two points, and acts as a hinge for the whole poem. Clever, I'd say. I do thank you, Lynda, for another great read that spring from deep thoughts that I am able to mirror in my own experience. Marcia2004-04-08 19:14:37
japanese verse 42 (Pollination)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl, you-romantic-soul-you! How romantic this is, how touching, how splendid its lovesong-- and to be dedicated to Claire--oh yes, you have done yourself proud! When you tell me that it can relate to all the delicate,lovely flying insects--oh the noble creatures you have mentioned, it puts a grand light on this 3-line poem. I think I mentioned before that I really like the way you give your japanese poetry a name, so we can go down the list and identify immediately. You are very good at this, and it gives me such a lift to be a participant in your craft. Thanks for all the little 'lifts' you have given me today. Marcia 2004-04-07 14:42:08
japanese verse 43 (Destiny)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl---Wow, now this one leaves me wanting more! It is a cut from No Excuses. I would love to read the whole poem--did it just "happen" to have the right syllables or did you plan to take excerpts out. This one is full of meaning, and layers of meaning--sermons are preached from each line,if you know what I mean. For example: "Class, for tomorrow write an essay entitled 'we are what we are'" and so on for the next lines. The p's work very well together, and all they have in common is their 'puh' sound, for they cleverly go different directions. No repetition here--brand new ideas for us to explore on each line. Wonderful poem. I'm just starting to realize what depth there is in those short poems. As you can tell, I'm getting through my March list so I can go on to April's. (That's what I get for taking a vacation!!) Thanks. Marcia2004-04-07 13:56:24
japanese verse 41 (Rainbow)Erzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl --First off, I am happy to see a title (speaking of "Rainbow") that distinguishes one haiku from another. That's just me--I like to have an inkling of what I will be reading. You told me you were Filipino--so do I assume that English is your 2nd language--if so, you sure do have a good grip on it, poetically speaking! This perfect haiku has all the things my ear looks/ listens for in verse--the alliteration: spectrum/smiles/tears/heaven's/cheeks--the color: spectrum, which ties your title in right off the bat, and then the poetics: plethora of tears fall from heaven's cheeks. Makes me want to read it again and again, considering the nuances, the 'hidden' colors, the subtleties if you will. That's good verse, Erzahl--it's as colorful and real as a rainbow itself--and as fleeting. Good job. Marcia McCaslin2004-04-07 10:55:01
By the PondJoanne M UppendahlMy goodness, Joanne, how you do paint a picture and tickle my sensation-meter at the same time! (I realize this is doing very well, as it should, in the contest--but I went on vacation as you know and am just getting around to some of the March poems). I am amazed at your first sentence alone: Stalks of wild iris like green-dressed sentries greet wandering geese. Stalks/iris/dressed/sentries/geese green/greet/geese wild/wandering And that's just the start. Our curtain has just risen on this colorful scene and our taste for alliteration has been satisfied. I'm always in awe--AND the best is yet to come. "water-cupped...upturned palms" the reader can see the concave shadows, the light playing. "wheel and dip" the action verbs that give motion to the color "air offerings" again, unusual insight being put to paper. Nascent yellow buds snuggle in spring’s pale womb-- This is probably my favorite 2 lines (unless I take the following two--then it's a toss-up. "spring's pale womb" - excellent, excellent, besides the color and the alliteration. a cradle full of summer with velvet sighs to come. Actually the above lines run neck-in-neck for 'favorite' with me--cradle full of summer and velvet sighs-------you have a pocket in your brain that I just haven't found in mine, Joanne-- but I'm going to keep looking--it must be there somewhere; however, it probably just has a few marbles in it! LOL. I'm intrigued at the moment with these short poems that say everything the long poems do, but they're really much more fun for the reader. Harder to do though, don't you think? Well, nevermind, we're all focused on April now. Thanks for the marvelous read---succulent is the word, Joanne-- all the tulip-y, daffodil-y, juicy succulents that you don't even mention--they're all there! Good Luck. Marcia2004-04-07 10:26:52
Tranquil in the WindDebbie SpicerHi Debbie--this is a SONG! First and second lines matching. Tranquil and Wind are sort of contradiction in terms--but I like it--it makes a person stop and think just a little bit. Besides being a song, it is also a prayer--with---Keep them safe in fair and neutral hands--not to quell their tender limbs. They may raise a soul--continues with the prayer feeling, and then a circle back to the beginning. I like this very much--it sets my own soul at ease and echoes my own prayer for "fair and neutral" hands. This is different from your other poetry, Debbie--at least the ones I have read, and I know I've been away for a couple of years, but it sounds like you are more at peace and your soul is resting in His gentle, abiding love. Hope so. Best, Marcia McCaslin2004-04-06 21:20:56
The Splendor of FireJordan Brendez BandojoHi Jordan--this could well be a dedication to your muse--but also a very strong dedication to your lover. Your pictures are colorful and ablaze with the fire you "play with." When I read: "cook rice and frizzle bacon" my mouth waters and I can almost smell the food. The word "frizzle" is very poetic and teases my 'known' vocabulary which is what I long for in poetry! Furnace flares; The warmth of winter. Kiln kindles; The strength of bricks. The 'f's' and the k's' are delightful and add to the warmth and glow of the whole piece. "Fire' 'ablaze' 'lighting' all add to the feeling of fire in the poem--you have used synonyms to enhance the mood and feeling you are portraying. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. wonderful metaphor AND rhyme which is pleasant to the ear right about there! There I planted lilacs, When I'm suffocated I would scent there aroma and be revived again. Ahhhhh--there are the cool, fragrant lilacs--almost the exact opposite of fire--when you are suffocated (from the flames) you will smell the scent and be revived. I always like to see the use of opposites -- in both poetry and songs. They work well. (don't you mean: their aroma? "Enkindling' is an excellent word for an excellent ending.--I still think this should be dedicated to your lover. Thanks for a great 'read'. Best, Marcia McCaslin 2004-04-06 21:00:27
"The Passion"marilyn terwillegerHi Marilyn--I don't have anything "to add"--for sure--you have captured the incident and the feeling for us. I am so glad you wrote it. I couldn't. Not only did I not see The Passion, but if I had I'm sure I couldn't have written this piece like you have. Reluctant eyes--that's what I have too, and a lot of people will relate I'm sure. It's interesting that you end it with your own asking for forgiveness, but, again, I was right with you, hand-in-glove through the end, because He died for you and He died for me. Because I assume you will send this out to publishers, I need to mention that I can't find plummeled in the dictionary--was it a typo maybe? pummeled is what I find. (I hate that when it happens-- seems like no matter how carefully I go over stuff, there's always a typo that seems to invent itself. Anyway, thanks for writing this very moving piece. It is doing well in the contest--just as it should! Best, Marcia2004-04-05 22:29:15
Poems I Cannot WriteSandra J KelleyHi Sandra--I can't be sure I have any help for you, but I sure do have empathy and that's why I'm commenting. I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU MEAN! Sounds funny, I guess, for most folks who quite naturally write love poems, but for me, it's next-to impossible. I do write love poems about OTHER people in love, but can'[t quite get it out for me. You too, huh? In country music (which I write) a love song is essential and they call it being "commercial"--Well, like you, I can write about cowboys and horses and "cool mountain mornings" but just can't get the heart-to-heart on paper (or tape). However,k what you have here is a lovely nature description with a little touch of Physics thrown in for good measure at the very end. You know, your colors are alive on the page and you make the reader feel the wind. Your title is great--saying what you can't do--and then doing what you can do--and very well. I would vote yes for the anthology. Thankis for a great read! My Best, Marcia2004-04-05 22:07:45
FuneralEmma QuinnHi Emma--I've been looking at funeral for several days--read and re-read and must comment. I love your first line that sort of co-tangles with Funeral: jubilation--and then you go from there being very busy and I almost feel like I'm there--of course, we always need more food, more beer, more ice==more...more...more... to complete the tradition. It's a wonderful tradiation and you have caught it here--plus lots more between the line that I see. Your line "reveals secret skins of stories leaves me watching for what I may have missed--not sure--it's very poetic and tells us stories do indeed have skins which is an interesting concept--but that's why we love to read poetry. Ah, there's the word "celebrates" so we know there is jubilation and celebration in this very short poem--which is well done--BUT......But....the spelling of surprizes surprises me most--and is very appropriate there--orange surprizes and flowers! What a wonderful ending. All in eleven short lines. What a good job you have done! I thoroughly "got the picture"! My Best, Marcia McCaslin2004-04-05 21:39:29
Doppler Effect (Revision)Joan M WhitemanHi Joan--I won't be much "help"---but need to let you know that I love this poem and the title is Physics (which I love) and the body of the poem is chock-full of the emotion and second-thoughts we women do experience. I know I have never read something of this nature with such a scientific title, but I do not wonder that Atlantic Monthly is considering it. That is going to be such a special event in your life--an "arriving" of sorts. She remembered the thrill of his arrival, welling in her breast like the sound of an approaching train. Here we have the crux of the poem--and the welling in her breast==makes me remember that feeling too-- and the sound of the approaching train. Well, no other example would tell us as well as this tells us. The moment rushed in, filling her soul to the brink, Another excellent picture and description that lives now in my memory bank. filling a soul to the brink is really filling. more bruise than memory.--------yes, we're all with you here! She heard the wavering sound of distance, fading like forgotten vows.==========oh my, you are certainly telling us a lot here. That's the work of a great poet, and you have measured up! Thanks for a great read. Sorry I'm late getting to you--but was on vacation and just got back. Everything built up while I was away. Best, Marcia McCaslin2004-04-05 21:20:39
Among LiliesLynda G SmithHi Lynda--this is absolutely beautiful--thrills me to the bone--every single line a work of art and it deserves its place "at the top" of the list, which it is and then it's not--but that's the list and that's the contest--it changes. Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls----both lines, total poetry, total pictures for our hungry minds. beneath the meniscus of my thoughts.----like I say, every line is worthy of mention. of crimson coils,-----color, life, fresh way of describing what's in your head. the virgin nerve--pickling white brine of memory--I feel it, I see it, I wish I'd said it! suckling pull.......tender hollow----I almost ache! a liquid sigh--again, truly inspired stuff, truly from another dimension of a gifted mind. the keepers of last breath---me-oh-my--are there keepers? After reading this, I'm sure of it! drowning mind--abyss of the unconscious--and what an abyss that is! a darkling process------again, such imagery this pulls up--places, colors, thoughts I didn't even know I had! promise/possibility will rise with the lilies come spring. This almost sounds like your thoughts on reincarnation--valid enough to my mind, seeing God's Economy. It is a question that 'plagues' me constantly. Personally I hope it isn't true. But when we watch the lilies and tulips, and jonquils come up after such death-dealing winters, it makes me wonder. Thanks for a great read. It is doing very well in the contest! Best, Marcia2004-04-05 21:00:13
High-kuAndrea M. TaylorHi Andrea--well, it's me, Marcia, again, but this poem is next on my list, so as long as you can stand it, I'll keep commenting. This is so YOU--with the high-I-ku alliteration in the first two lines, just coming at you like High Physics, the splashing of infinity's veil--and then just about the time I think "I'm over my head" here--you bring me down to earth with your simple and homey "one wish at a time." You really have something going here with your two styles--one balances the other out, and enables "not-so-swift-readers" like me a shot, because there's always a place I can land and get my bearings. Good job! Look forward to more. (ooo I see this one's really doing good in the contest!) Thanks. Marcia2004-04-05 01:23:30
No titleAndrea M. TaylorHi Andrea--you are "just having fun"--and I'm having fun too. These are so hard to write and actually SAY something (for me) but you have done it with splendid skill! The "Rs" are Really Resplendant, and I have never seen one quite like this. There is usually alliteration-- but this is super-allit.! They tell me in country music seminars that a songwriter is writing a 2-hr movie in 2-1/2 minutes--gotta have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Well, look what you've done--you've got the whole thing wrapped up in 3 lines. First line tells us what it's about--2nd line is the summarized psychological approach--and the 3rd line tells us the event or episode ends with the munchies. Excellent crafting, Andrea--now, I just have one suggestion, but I really Really think it's important--give us a title--something with your wit and humor could be: Ah-h-h-h... or something--starting with an "R"! Very recently some kind, patient critiquer on the Link told me about the importance of titles--after I got to thinking about it, I saw where she was right. Well, you think about it and let me know. Thanks!!! Marcia McCaslin2004-04-05 01:16:09
Haunted HuntAndrea M. TaylorHi Andrea--I was on The Link a couple years ago and then got sick--now I'm better and am back. I don't remember seeing your name and perhaps you don't remember seeing mine--but I'm seeing yours now and really like what I see. (I also just wrote out this critique--forgot the back button and am doing it again--seems like it's never as thorough the 2nd time around). I've read your critiques, Andrea, and High-ku, and your brief bio and am seeing a person with some serious thoughts mixed in nicely with levity. Such is the case with this poem. Your title is excellent--the hunt being serious, and the haunted being a stroke of genius for this reader. It gives a certain feel to the poem before it is ever read. I like the way you have opened with Where you been, Bin--and closed with it as well. As a country songwriter, it has a "chorus feel" to it, using this technique. Won't be over til the fat lady sings is a favorite line as well as Man, you're in a hell of a mess. It's like "truth" just shines forth in those two lines. How safe is your skin, is also brought home twice, and is chilling--the question cuts right to the chase. For me, it alomost has a Cowboy Poetry feel--along with the aforementioned country tune feel. It's serious, but also spoof--and I think you've covered all the bases with this one. I see it's #60 on the chart right now--but that will change. Thanks for a good read! Marcia McCaslin2004-04-04 13:02:07
Two Roadsjeramy j gordyHi Jeramy--are you new to the Link? Sherri Smith has endorsed you, so it made me conclude that you are new. If I remember correctly, you are also in High School? This is a fable with a very good message--or question as you have posed it? It's certainly one that every human being must grapple with in his youth, and accept in his older years. If I have counted right, you have told us the story in 50 lines. I am a songwriter and have attended a zillion seminars and bought a zillion books on the subject and participated in a zillion workshops--(& enjoyed every minute!). The one lesson (in songwriting) that we must accept is: "re-write it!" There is such value in re-writing, I can't tell you. We tighten. We shorten--we tell more of the story in a shorter space. It's called "crafting"--and, Jeramy, it's worth every sweating minute of it! See if you can write this same story in 25 lines. Then, see if you can avoid using the same word twice... that's a challenge! (well, I'm not talking about words like "the" and "and" and "at" etc. just your major words. Then...add some really powerful adjectives, like, as you have done, a DARK path, an AMAZING light, etc. Then...what KIND of road? what KIND of fork. Us readers, we need to have a different adjective to mull--I apologize, but that's the way we are. So this ends my advice (for what it's worth) tighten it up--put in more adjectives--maybe smells, colors, tastes, metaphors that take us on wings of fantasy--just for a moment. I hope to encourage--and not to offend. Please keep writing! And please keep coming back to this wonderful Link. I want to help. Marcia2004-03-22 19:16:39
Spring is Bornmarilyn terwillegerHi Marilyn--this morning you are at the very bottom of my list--and I'm afraid if I don't catch this now, it will go away, never to return! You know what I think? I think that creativity breeds creativity--kind of akin to 'use it or lose it' but going one or2 steps further up the scale. Your poetry seems to spring from 'here'--then from 'there'; it sort of 'comes at you' from a number of different wells. As I read through, your 's's' sing in every single line--like the quiet 's' of a spring breeze--through trees--birds--flowers--forest--carpets--bedews (bedews???) wow--what a quaint feeling I get from your use of that word! Well, YOU look--s's in every line as though the whole poem is lifted on the wings of song and even though you use some "hard" words like belching and yammering, they only serve as bass-notes. 1st verse winter/warbles---sun/shines/sober/singing--no wonder our ear begs for more. 2nd verse naked trees/healing rays/shivering earth--but you got me hook/line/&/sinker with your: "inhales the virgin air"! v.3 - belching spasms and yammering birds. The belching spasms part really relates--it's certainly that way in Wyoming--I don't know about other springs. It always seems like March puts up such a tough fight. dainty bonnie butterflies---love it--you've been reading your Irish book again, haven't you Marilyn. I used to hear about 'bonnnie' things, but here you've brought it right into the present. It's refreshing and nostalgic at the same time! And it sure paints a 'spring-y' picture. "red robins rejoicing in splendor"---lots of 's's' and color going on in this line. The wind jarred forest yields--at last, but like I say, winter puts up quite a fight before it yields. I think it only yields at all because God says--"and you will YIELD..." Your carpets of white are in the exact right place for me. You could have used them earlier in the poem, but it would not have had the contrast, so they are mentioned just before the birth--and then 'pita-pat' (that brings a chuckle and my ear likes it--and my nostalgia meter registers! rain bedews--I'd have given anything to think of that myself! (And now I can't use it 'cuz it's already yours--darn!) boisterous--reminiscent of a baby's first cry and festive petals are the joy and relief-- because Spring is born. (I'm not sure about these things--but shine its ardent brilliance--I could be wrong, just thought it didn't need the apost.) Speaking of brilliant--a brilliant work here-- it does all the things a poem is supposed to do--at least for this reader. Thanks. Marcia2004-03-20 13:28:38
Spring QuartetJoanne M UppendahlJoanne--reading your poetry is just chocolate and broiled lobster and a refreshing spring rain--tulips coming up AGAIN after a horrible, colder-than-average winter. Pure inspiration--and I kid you not! Some of the pictures you h ave painted in previous works will stay with me for life, and this is the same. "lily-washed air" Have mercy. I've been breathing deeply ever since I read it, to try to discern what MY air is washed with. It's not lilies yet--but it will be something wonderful--when spring happens! Perch on pilings--both picturesque and wonderful in alliteration--my ear thanks you--over and over again! orange knees---oh how the colors flash. knobs of surprise--and expectant feet? I am amazed and delighted how this imagery comes from your mind, and then I am totally amazed how you can translate it from mind to paper. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, would I have believed that a 'mind' can wend its way to 'electrons'. But however it happens, I love it. Frogs roaring the pond? Joanne--where does this come from????? What artistic bent---bent? {laugh}. singing wetly--the whole sweet night---alliteration is great, but it's the content that smacks me right in the 'brain'. ..that smacks me right in the question mark! I like the double-use of resounding--after all is said & done--a 're' is still a 're' and you've made the most of it! a Black water and a white moon--what a sharp image for us--and then.......then.... this moon wanders looking for her mate. So there you have--the poet meets the astronomer and delivers a great poem--such a pleasure--such a treat. I'm glad you're there for me to admire and to study. My Best--Marcia2004-03-19 20:54:56
BackStrokeRebecca LeeHi Rebecca Lee---THIS BEGS to be put to music and be a song. If you have a musician friend, please collaborate and see what you come up with! Your lines are short and 'breathy'--very sexy--and look how you've separated the verses with little "thing-e-o's" what are they called--we put them over the 'n' in Spanish language. BackStroke for the title--and take me back for the theme. where you have gone---then: where HAVE you gone? recalling moments is enchanting for this reader--blonde curls, soulful eyes, sweet breath, gorgeous smile. This is a Song! For Britney or Whitney or JLo. It just needs that great pop beat underneath--and you're on your way. It's light as a feather--as refreshing as the aroma of mint-- a catchy any pop tune. You better go for it! Marcia McCaslin2004-03-16 18:54:45
Karl Rove's NightmareLeo WilderHi Leo--Starting out: Dubya says--I knew I was in for a funny one! Then when you tell me that there's music. Hey, well, it doesn't get any more fun than that, does it? Your rhythm is impeccable, Leo, and I really appreciate that. It's a hard thing to do for some, but not for you, as I see. This is akin to...what shall we say...Cowboy Political Poetry--well, the funnest kind, darlin'! In my 'waking state' I am a songwriter, but I try my hand at poetry too, and since I found TPL, I like the nearlyl-instant satisfaction you get from posting a poem. People respond right away, and it makes it fun. You've got all your facts right, near as I can tell, with Jeb and his chads--hahah, and there's that undertone of stark truth that is sobering at the same time. radio a blarin---love it, but I think it should be: either: ablarin' or a-blarin' and the "big boobed country queen (mmmmm...who would that be?) This is the first time--ever--that I've seen "Deely Plaza" spelled out. Heard it a million times but didn't know what it looked like in print. You've got your autumn sky--right--just know Texas loves me--sweet bye and bye sort of conjurs up "death and heaven" 'n' stuff like that. A fun read, Leo--easy to picture--easy to get thru--easy to laugh--easy to settle. Good luck with it! Marcia McCaslin2004-03-16 18:47:33
Seeking ComfortJane A DayHi Jane--you see--I'm hooked already, seeking you out to see what short, hard-hitting verbage you have for me now! Again, your first line is just dynamite. Nobody could read it and not want to read more, but the 2nd and 3rd lines: wow--the cold reflects (typo there?) from moons of our fingers--omagosh--it's been years since I even heard the term "moons", and again really refreshing. Such originality, but that's what this Site is known for--and that's why people like me come here--I'm a "fresh-read junkie"! complex as a candle's illumination of an empty roomn--gee, you've combined Whitman and physics here. The complex and empty play on each other in an interesting way! Alot like using "opposites" to drive a point home. Winter edges us {really good description} with a rain of frost. I can see this in my mind's eye-- it's the kind of technique a movie director would use--do you get my meaning? we seek the inside of the house--and press into the "new" light of window, flint, flame. Three wonderful images here. The new light part colors the whole poem with this description--and then, it's ended---and again I want more. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-16 18:14:37
ChantJane A DayHi Jane--Your opening line draws the peek-in-and-see reader right in! That deep voice "carve" song is just so original, poetic, descriptive and goes to that place in us that relishes originality in fine poetry. Heavy as the demon--also fresh, foreboding, warning, in its way--and the first cycle of marriage really piques my interest (as to your ideas of the 2nd and 3rd etc. cycles!) throat hum under throat hum is like "advanced alliteration" {laugh}--and what a way to describe the soprano voices of the nuns. My goodness, we have a real chorus starting up here. "heave the darkness"--wow! Now that is strong music--and the kind of poetics we long in our souls to read. It refreshes and inspires us! That sound carries us across the bridge to "unreachable" heaven--again, some very serious statements about sound and music and its power. Aptly titled, and your follow-through, flawless. Excellent, short right-to-point message, clothed in swaddling poetry. Left me wanting to read more! Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-16 18:04:52
Night TrainEmma QuinnHi Emma---absolutely lovely! Eight short lines and you've drawn us an oil-painting. Reminds me a lot of that Americana standard--Good Mornin' America--How Are Ya? (Don't ya know me--I'm your native son). The rendition I have is Willie Nelson. This has that feel--I can hear the "train beat" in the percussion section and the bass notes bringing out the color of "Night" and the color of steel at night. over long-haired tumbleweed trestles love this line, good poetics and alliteration--besides being a great picture. the blood deep tatoo excellent line--"blood" adds your dark color; deep tatoo establishes itself with importance in the whole piece. steels/wheels/steel---again, drives home the repetition of the steel-wheels sound--unmistakable and engrained in practically every memory. context/crossties---the hard c sound is almost part of the ch-ch-ch-ch- of the train sounde dig/deserts/dream conjurs up all kinds of emotions and pictures for the sleepers--all kinds of dream material here springs to mind. breathe slow--this almost puts the whole night train into slow-motion, like movies use this technique very effectively and it's effective here. It has been a treat for me to comment on this fine poem. Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-16 17:54:47
Memories of BerthaSherri L. WestHi Sherri---You were "slipping away" on my list--you were at the bottom where the 1's live! I knew one more entry at the top, and you'd be gone. I read this the other night and it is very reminiscent of your mother's poetry--at least some of it--she is very versatile in her writing. This is a "macaroni 'n' cheeze" poem--every line full of memories for me (as well as you) and every line like a mouthful of mac 'n' chz or whatever "comfort food" appeals. You have managed to "hit" on the core of the memory bank, because when we write pieces like this, I think we tend to want to include everything because everything is so noteworthy--and at least, speaking for myself, I want to tell it all. But, I, too, have to take the wheat from the chaff. You tell your story in 20 lines, and that seems like about the "right" length for a piece like this. Because you tell us twice "You are my grandma...and I am special" makes IMO the poem hinge on those two lines, and I like the way you add "I know" to your second line. coffee-coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment Great alliteration--personally, I love the hard c sound. Your smile displays delight identical to mine with each discovery. Here, you are putting your d's to good use. Remember when we rolled down the sand hill because I thought fun? Is this a typo? because I thought {it was} fun? Maybe it's just my copy. bead belts, baked birthday cakes and canned peaches? more b's, used well and the hard c again. My mouth waters when I reach this line! Poignant ending--standing with emphasis on its own heartbreaking line. You and she, crying together when you had to move. Nice effort, Sherri--colorful, flavorful, easy-reading rhythm--emphases in the right places. Keep it up! Thanks. Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-16 17:37:46
So WhatRegis L ChapmanThe ideas just pour out of you, don't they, Regis?! I laughed all the way through this, and I really truly identify because I haven't read any of the great poets either--maybe in high school, but I forgot. I can hear Geo. Carlin doing this, and I'm sure there are tons of young, new comedians who could do this very well. (In fact, maybe you are one of them!) Anyway, after I read this, I spent an hour on the internet looking up Miles Davis--so now, I see the nod, more than slight, on your So What theme. so what if I don't know Emily Dickinson Robert Frost or the difference between You have certainly covered the important bases, to mention the two well-knowns, Emily and Robert-- "or the difference between" really struck me funny (funny haha). - a senryu just count how? - or a haiku I had to look up senryu--but it's a PERFECT word here and in a perfect place. A not-too-willing lit. student comes through here, but don't know for sure if that's the case. You do seem to know what you're talking about. and so what if I don't know how to break up my lines in such a way as to express the utter amazement at another day The funny thing about this stanza is I don't know how either, and my lines just sort of begin someplace and end someplace else--random comes to mind {lalugh} So I'm with you all the way. And it's so funny, 'cause it's so true! so what if I make things up off the top of my head and don't revise this 20 times before I release it into the world all feral like the cats and cars I pass on my morning run path I know we're not supposed to copy/paste whole poems, so I'm trying to just do it in parts so as not to break the rule BUT this is hilarious--you don't revise 20 times? before it's release into the world all "feral" (great word like the cats and cars you pass. Mentioning Sylvia Plath--I just barely know her, but no matter--I know she fits (& she rhymes with path! we are not here to compare hit my chest with forceful beats or bear a shield with silly crest like imaginary contemporaries of the Yeats' Oh and there's Yeats with a lot of good imagery, chest-hitting, shield-bearing Your last verse is striking in contrast--it's touching in its honesty and its acceptance. so what if I still admire those giants with shoulders I have my own fire I have my own boulders Because you have your own gifts and your own tools with which to make your way. You certainly have your own fire. Thanks for a good time, a good chuckle, and a new person to listen for: Miles Davis. Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-13 17:24:15
EscapeRegis L ChapmanHi Regis--the thought processes are so real here, it's like we are right inside your head. We want to, then we don't want to. I want to escape from the reminders that someone has been here before I don't even know why I feel this but I still do These opening lines were very seductive to me, honest-to-the-bone, which is always risky and why some of us (like me) have trouble 'getting there'. But I know it when I see, and first-impression feelings of the risk the poet is willing to take are certainly appreciated AND admired. and as I drive by you protected by my windshield and you by yours The emotion here is powerful, and the idea that you are "protected" by your windshield shows us just how vulnerable you would be were it not for this "protection". I see much of myself here, Regis, which intrigues, but I can't seem to let these emotions flow honestly like you have. (I'm here to learn, though--grin). I can stare out at you and yours as I go by and know that you feel this too You know this person well enough to know that that person is feeling like you yourself feel--a sort of love/fear/emotional standoff going on. I want to come closer into the poem when I see 'sometimes' on a line of its own. It seems to work with the preceding lines, and also with the following lines. It's the quivering lip kind of word, used here--and the reader wants to move on quickly and know more. I would like to know you I would like to talk about what we can do to make it different but then again I don't want to see you near me anymore, either... It's painful and scary either way. You want the person near you but it's like putting your neck on the chopping block. Whatever shall do----begs a sequel! Lots going on in a just a few short lines here, Regis--also I want to say that I like a poem "shaped" like this with lots of short lines going down the page. It makes a 'profile' on the right. Thanks for a good read--and think about a sequel. Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-13 13:22:36
I Am Fredmarilyn terwillegerThere is just no end to you, is there, Marilyn?! This is so cute and fresh and brings out 'the kid' in me. It's heavy with Irish flavor -- oh and we ARE coming up on that day, aren't we? Aren't you clever. Where did you find words like 'tosspot' and 'pixilated'? My ear likes dumbfounded and confounded coming at such an unexpected interval. It sings off the page--its Irish lilt makes its own melody. You are multi-faceted and I am multi-fascinated, milady. More. More! P.S. I didn't mention the color, but this jaunty little elk is all in red. It is funny that you don't mention 'green'--but my eye sees green anyway--guess it must be the leaves--{laugh}. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-12 01:54:52
Terra IncognitaMell W. MorrisHi Mell. Your poems are, and always have been, larger than life. I read this yesterday, and all I could think of today is this beautiful woman, perfect in every respect, but 12 feet tall-- with great bearing. This poem has 'bearing'. It just comes at you with observations and questions, quizical and playful, but dead-serious at the same time. Of course, from being on TPL 2 yrs. ago, I was waiting for the signature internal rhymes and was not disappointed. It wouldn't be Mell without at least a 'bellow yellow' and a 'comprises and arises'--more too, but just enough to satisfy my humble ear. I am totally engaged in the heart behind these words. It must be one of the mysteries of life that we do not know for sure where our place is--or if we have one. I don't know a single soul who has said--yes, I'm here to do this and that's why I'm here and I'm sure of it. My favorite line is: Does it rain inside your head? I really love the questions, period. They make me feel so involved and as though you really care how others feel and perceive things. I also like: all queries and no responses. It sure seems that way. Anyway, thanks for sharing.k Marcia McCaslin 2004-03-11 21:31:26
Sable Shadowmarilyn terwillegerHi Marilyn--this is gripping, lured me to go back and back again. Your first sentence tells volumes about your late husband and about how you felt about him. (Amazing to me that so few words can conjur up so much!). We learn that he is different now than he was in life. It makes a person wonder about the truth of things. Are we all what we want others to see (in life) but in dreams, our 'real self' reveals itself? I don't know. This poem just poses the ideas. The reader is somewhat relieved to know in the second verse that you are past the grief of death. We are told "the five stages" of grief--but honestly, I think there are way more stages. They are like the tiny pinch of spice we add to food--we can hardly tell it's there but somehow, things would taste differently were it not added. The epitome of 'sublte'--if you will. Then in the same verse we begin a sigh of relief--we are faced with this disturbing image that looms like a tenacious incubus. So we have a kind-of 'yea-boo' verse. Which is good. It adds to the drama and suspense. I like the last verse best with its shaking soul feelings and the jarring drum beat percussive feel. Then you use your title--which at this point we certainly understand. Then--I fear that you will beckon me and you leave us there--with no period, as though the jury is still out. Very good as far as suspense goes and dark swirls go--not good (for you) to live with that. But apparently, you have gotten past it and the disturbing dreams have stopped. How long ago was it, Marilyn? And you have not remarried? Funny I should ask, since we've corresponded for a few years. Anway--the poem is well-done and moving and pretty seductive. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-11 20:43:08
CompassionDebbie SpicerHi Debbie--I just critqued this--and yet it's still here on my new poems. I closed out and re-started my computer--came back and it still shows as new on my list. Just ignore this--I'll get it worked out and do a real critique. (Good to 'read' you again!) Marcia McCaslin2004-03-11 19:24:33
Swimming With MaryThomas Edward WrightHi Thomas. Flawless observation and interpretation! You show us that you have really taught yourself how to view death, how to deal with death, how to side-step a little. This is glaring, truthful to the bone, not only in your ability to see and accept--but how to show us how to see and accept. I think, like children, we adopt your attitude and your slant without questioning. You draw me in so adeptly that I don't even know I'm there until I look closely--and there I am--feeling your feelings, thinking your thoughts. On the other hand, I have been the one in the bed gasping, pain medicine deadening the reality, loved ones there, but blurred. I actually look to you like I am in more pain than I am actually in. I can't breathe, really, but it's ok in its way. But to you, it is heart-wrenching. Both sides play their parts--each tries to play the best part he can. Love, the morphine takes her across the lake; the room is a morgue with a waiting list. This is lovely and sad, but sensitive enough to be read at her funeral services. The ending: superb! I can't say enough about it==it will stick with me forever. Thanks for sharing. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 23:20:26
Life Support (Revised)Mick FraserHi Mick. Marcia again. I only see two changed--you took the extra 'just' out as per Michele's(?) suggestion--and you hyphened slat-sharing. I really know how you feel. I submitted a poem once that had a misspelled word in it, and I couldn't stand it until I submitted another one with the word spelled right. My original requests, though, still stand. What do the 'slats' mean? Thanks for sharing. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 22:32:25
I Wanted ToSandra J KelleyHi Sandra--Wow, what an intrigue--a read-intrigue--how 'bout that? I wanted to tell you the truth, you say--I never wanted you to believe me. It seems like your story should START there, not end. But then, that's me {laugh}. The 1st verse you are missing him--he's not there. We feel your loneliness. The tires on pavement set a mood--we feel even lonelier. It's like the whole world has someplace to go, someone to see, some activity--and we are alone with our thoughts. Good set-up. (Isn't it 'stubble' you want to say?) He reads poems with half-mad eyes, and tumbled hair, torn tee shirt--great imagery here--we know why you are captivated--not your run-of-the-mill, ordinary guy--someone very special. And you wanted to tell him the truth. You are married? You have HIV? You are bi-polar? You are escaped from a sanitarium--WHAT? What?! The afternoon you are learning about fire. Enticing poem. Full of mystery. But, Sandra, ya gotta solve the mystery. Storms blowing themselves out--my favorite line. I'm gonna be so bummed if when I finish this, every one else has figured it out. That's when I really feel stupid! Anyway, a great poem. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 22:03:05
Life SupportMick FraserHi Mick--I really like the images and the feel of the whole piece--but I was really glad to know you would explain without jeopardy what the poem really means if requested. My favorite thing here--or close to it--is Thirteen lines later at the 13th line, as though Thirteen whatevers had REALLY passed. That caught me up! Why did midlife catch you with a pain in your belly? Was the tug at your crotch a Midlife Missing of some sort? You wonder whether you're ever going to be happy--then happily realizing you'd never know. But I bet at some point, you DO know, and you ARE happy. Happy doesn't have to be cake and candles everyday-- but I'm sure you've realized that. What are slat sharing friends? (the whole point). Please please excuse my ignorance. I want to understand because I sense a real humanness and a real honesty here. Thanks. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 21:49:15
OnceRegis L ChapmanHi Regis--this is light, airy, imaginative, very much like a dream/fairtale. I think everything is very 'off the top'--but what I would change is in the first line: play/dance/sing or even better, past tense, played/danced/sang. The 'Once' indicates a past tense scene to me--how 'bout you? Little rhymes swing me from one line to the next, my ear anticipating some light appetizer. You say: posted pre-crash. Did you write this--then crash--then post--and post again.? You have to draw me a picture--laugh's on me-- Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 21:25:49
The Fiasco In MeErzahl Leo M. EspinoHi Erzahl. What an intriguing poem. By your name I assume you are Hispanic. Why is your whiteness blinding? If we "peel you"--and I love that imagery--why do we see the blackness of mud. Why would you be decaying from the inside--and why would it be hidden so many years? You acknowledge the rotten stinking smell of the past? Was that caused by being somewhere else? but now, again to the present--do you smile because you are hurting? Why would you not look hurt if you were hurting. Do you give because we want to receive? Well, I think that's human nature. How often do we deceive others? We could all ask that. Oftentimes our "best foot forward" is a deception--it goes across the board regardless of race or gender. How often do we fool ourselves? Again, we all do that--we go into denial--or we go into arrogance. We see ourselves in a way that we are not. I sense a grave dissatisfaction. I sense remorse and regret. I sense a need to be honest. Tell me where I'm going wrong. Thanks. Makes a person think. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 21:16:35
Passion's PlayRobert L TremblayHi Robert. Again, a very complex but well done example of poetry put to graphics--or poetry put to form might better describe what you do so well. Not only is the head the head--but it is also somewhat shaped like a heart which adds to the whole idea. It was done in 2002, but this, as you know is a great time to re-submit, because of Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ. As I said before, I would think about putting a book of these types of poems together. Booking really dresses things up too, you know--like all things natural are sort of plain, until they are "dressed up". Anyway, just letting you know my thoughts on this. Keep doing what you do. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 19:47:11
At The Mammae of ModernityThomas Edward WrightHi Thomas. So, suddenly you ARE pregnant with the vision. I found this really cute and spoof-y and fun to read. I think you covered all the major bases. And you would sing (LA!) for 40 weeks. This is so funny for one (me) who has been thru it--and there was no LA! for one week, let alone 40! But it's cute and original and I really enjoyed your vicarious 'take' on the whole thing. In appreciation, Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 19:11:59
Untitledstephen g skipper Hi stephen. I did not see your last ‘write’, having just come aboard. You have really given the reader a lot of information in just these few lines, and I sense the true sadness and your notation of the irony that perhaps you don’t quite understand but that you perceive acutely. Death of a loved one takes us down many paths. I sense ‘denial’ in line 1--a man reaching for rebirth in line 2, an admission of helplessness in line 3. (Do you mean ‘albeit’?--that would certainly fit and be a bit more accurate (to me) than 3 words. Line 4 is between a giving-up and an explanation, but all very poignant and totally understandable for anyone who has lost someone. Love always causes pain. Rose Kennedy said it best: they cause you pain coming in, and going out. I don’t think a soul can be regained without love--and I don’t think you do either. You are certainly right in your assessment that love tears you in two. Till it’s gone---well, steven, I don’t think it’s ever ‘gone’. It changes and you can finally bear to live with it, but it comes slowly. My one suggestion for the whole poem would be: Will you ever release my heart, to fly free. As honest a sentiment as you can find. I am sorry for your loss. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 18:21:20
The WebRobert L TremblayHi Robert. I commented on this poem late last night, but it never did leave my New Poems list. I think there was trouble on the website. That's a bummer, because trying to chew your cabbage twice is not as good the second time. I'll just try to re-cap. I was on this site a lot in 2002 and just came back to take a peek and got hooked. I remember your others like this, and think they'd be most effective all together in a book. If there is no name for this category, perhaps you could create one. A Web like this is particularly intriguing, and then your traditional formatting, although I don't understand what you're saying is perhaps the random thoughts of the spider as he goes about his clear-to-him, confusing-to-me task. Anyway, I think a book would be a neat way to showcase your talent. Thanks. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-10 09:57:11
Leaves ClingRegis L ChapmanHi Regis--no, I don't think of you as backwards, thinking of fall in springtime. The mind is so elastic, and an 'off' spring breeze can whisk you back to fall. he leaves are tears that cling to the road of my brain--------------the road of your brain is a description that explains immediately to any reader as I drive over fears which continue to goad despite their pain-------I'm with you here--we all drive over fears which continue to goad us despite the faceless mouths open---------pain. "faceless mouths and horrible utterance"--I guess this is a dream-like to horrible utterance--------state that we all suffer they fall on and around this silver umbran carriage----the umbran carriage,what an apt description encased in silken gossamer silken gossamer, the same strings of governance leading in and out----yes, what a confusing map it is, and, as you ask, what's it about? But it is very in every direction--------cleverly designed! what it's about is discovered on silent reflection through and through I strive a breath forward---striving a breath forward--interesting way of putting it in my silent splinter---your alliteration is not lost on me blown by a wind the fall of my intent---the fall...to winter...good has turned to winter and the leaves buried beneath the muted white---muted white--very "the way it is" that has come down as a blessing-------------ah, we see it as a blessing here. like time to the vintner---very good ending. Wraps it all up A wine-inspired fall-like poem. I've been known to write those myself! Thanks for a good read. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-09 19:48:23
reflectionsRobert L TremblayRobert--Bobby T. You know, it doesn't sound like despair. It sounds more like discernment. Something about it resonates (spelling--not sure). Wisdom! Much maligned, unappreciated with scorn, Wisdom, much maligned--interesting slant at wisdom By humanity due to its simple solution simple solution--good 's' sound--makes me 'think' To all of the world's problems; the Savior was once born, To bring peace and harmony to all His creation. As He was in the beginning, so is He always, Firm in His word, attentive to man's development; I believe this way too, but am reassured that someone else thinks so. For, He cares of earthly matters, the coming of "coming of days" feels reassuring as well. days, The passing of nights, the lushness of the firmament. lushness--great word here. Without God, the world would be a lonely place, hard to imagine a world without God. indeed; Where every man/woman would be a lonesome stone---lonesome stone says a world of emotions there are no Lodged in the muddied waters of darkness, fear, words for--muddied water of darkness, fear and greed,-----------------------I'm sure "greed" belongs but it seems too 'opposite' a To live without friendship, compassion, love's ----word to go here. blessed tone.---------------------love's blessed tone--makes me think "out of the box!" If He is who He says He is, let Him show Himself,------ah, something everyone has wishes since "way back when" So that all may recognize Him and know Him as one; But, He has, through countless Holy men on earthly-------"But" is the operative word shelf----------------------------earthly shelf--interesting choice of words Who have known His will, His ways, His work on Earth be done. The light drizzle on a summer's eve, a bird in flight, The warm touch of someone you love, an infant-----love the imagery, but wonder why this is witness to why asleep,---------------------we must weep. The stars that orchestrate the grand Symphony at night, All of this is witness to me that now He must weep This is from your "primitive" period. That was before The Great Despair. Why despair? It seems to me that things are happening right on schedule. Thanks for the read. Marcia McCaslin2004-03-09 19:10:58
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