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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by Jennifer j Hill	Critique Date
The Blizzard (A Story Poem)	Drenda D. Cooper	Dear Drenda, Please don't apologize for sharing this tale of man against nature. Your skill at spinning a tale in poetry form is evident here in this work. This story pulls me along to the finish with your skillful use of language. You use the tools of assonance, alliteration and soft rhyme in combination to lull the reader along. There is probably no way to mention all of the instances where you employ these tools, but just to name a few---alone/only, bow/arrow, haste/waited/latest, weather/feather, snowy/wood, barely/breathed and you use fricative "f" for that soft whispery feel in feather/followed/fresh. Then we have time/seemed/suspended, blinding/blizzard, hunter's/heart, froze/feet, ahead/heaved, final/sigh, peace/beneath, numbly stumbled, warmth/hearth, sudden/shiver, shiver/quiver, frozen/forms, away/lay/prey. This is one of my favorite parts, because it is poeticly suspenseful: "With light feather steps he followed fresh deer tracks deep into the snowy wood; then stopped abruptly, hearing a crackle pierce the silence." Honestly Drenda, I am in awe of the way you can weave a story such as this, keeping the reader's interest so keenly, while using a minimum amount of words to do it. This is a feat not many can claim, but you can. And while man may have won out over the deer in a fleeting moment, he definately lost the battle against nature in the form of a blizzard. Thanks for this entertaining bounty of imagry and sound to delight our poetic palate. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-27 09:36:29
Caroling	marilyn terwilleger	Hi Marilyn. You've given us a nostalgic tribute here that calls forth some really wonderful girlhood memories. Ah , to be a girlscout, I remember it like yesterday; singing our little hearts out in hopes of spreading enough cheer to be invited in to drink coacoa and get the feeling back in your toes. We didn't have a Widow Chrisman, but it did seem that the older couples were the ones who invariably invited us in to warm up, and gave us encouragment. You've really given us some jewels this month, haven't you, what with "Ice Daggers", "Awaken", and now "Caroling". I'd say you're on a roll! The Widow Chrisman must have been a charming chacacter with her doll collection and parrot that cursed. *smile*. The thought of her makes me chuckle. The stong imagry throughout this piece gets in the readers mind and warms right down to the toes. You start with an apt desciption of our attire when we went caroling. It's funny because back then we thought nothing of our bare legs, but now we would be covered from head to toe. Your end line rhymes of coats/throats, holly/jolly, are/star, come/numb, way/astray, bright/light and cheer/year and the asonnance sprinkled within give this piece a jovial air. The use of words like lilting, twinkling, and lassies add to that effect. The change to slant rhyme in s7 is also charming, with house/mouse, talking/squaking and chairs/stairs and the memory of ginger snaps with hot chocolate is over the top. Theres such a wonderful musical theme here, revisiting the classic carols within this piece makes me want to just sing my little heart out. Thanks for sharing this heartwarming nostalgic piece. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-26 14:08:22
An Old Man's Song On Christmas Eve	Rick Barnes	Merry Christmas a day late, Rick. I just got on to find this wonderful Christmas poem, that seems to have fallen effortlessly off your pen in a matter of moments. I have to thank Ezrahl for his request, because I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this lovely piece. "An Old Man’s Song On Christmas Eve" is a lyrical piece with a magical tone in it that is quite charming. The image of an old man reclining by the fire, reflecting on his past comes to my mind and I am delighted with the thought his memories "sing" as he reflects on those who have extended their love, help,comfort and support to him. The naming of this love, help, comfort and support as 'reach' (as in reaching out to our fellow human beings) is actually a wonderful way to say it, that adds magic to the song. Such a selfless act it is to be the kind of person that reaches out to others and he gives a prayer of thanks for the blessings he has recieved and asks for ability to look at others with that same unselfish love. If everyone had this kind of attitude, we would see alot less road rage.....and alot more acts of charity. Wisdom is a much coveted gift that seems to come with age for the most part is I think what you are showing us here. The last stanza really warms my heart, that even through your pen, we are warmed on this cold december day. Reaching out is many thing to many people. I'm glad you reached out to us today. This 3 stanza poem with B/D rhyme scheme has a nice flow and is vey much songlike. I enjoyed this one alot and am glad to have you back at TPL, soothing our souls with your heartwarming poetry. Blessings, Jennifer Thanks	2003-12-26 12:15:00
japanese verse 35 (Manger)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Merry Christmas, Ezrahl! What a lovely Christmas Verse you have here. It's also very thought provoking. When you think about the humble beginnings of Jesus,from the borrowed manger, right down to the geneology, it is impressive to realize that when God planned our gift of salvation, He made Jesus fully God and fully Man. Just His lineage alone illustrates that anyone, no matter what they have done can gain forgiveness and salvation. There in His geneology is the blood of many people, from a king, to an adulterer and adultress, to a prostitute, to someone who committed incest, to a virgin.......All these people were able to be forgiven for their sins and to shine the Glory of God. Amazing stuff! In that borrowed crib God offered His precious gift Wrapped in swaddling clothes At first I was not sure that "Manger" is the right title for this. Even the first line seems more about 'who' was in the manger. I thought "Savior" or "Messiah" might be more fitting. Never-the-less, this piece shows us the humble way this gift was offered. The most preious gift ever given, had a gift wrap of swaddling cloth and was boxed in a borrowed manger. Then I realized that your emphasis is actually on the fact of the humble beginning and therefore the manger is the subject. Thanks for the reflections. Blessings, Jennifer container.	2003-12-26 11:10:39
Awaken	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, I just lost my critique, so I will start over again. What a scary dream that must have been for you. Even scarier would be the nightmare of what you must have gone through when you were told you only had a short time to live. I would like to hear your story sometime. You strike me as a women with much faith. I believe God tests our faith by the trials he gives us. Your title,"Awaken" has a theme that is echoed throughout the poem, tying it together and and adding dimension. Using this question at the end makes this an incredably thought provoking piece and continues your theme through the end. There is a surreal flavor flowing through the poem that is quite lovely. For what it's worth,I think the opening line would be a bit smoother if it read like this: "I walked in shadows [as] coolness hued flowers caressed my feet." I love t tihe phrase "coolness hued flowers caressed my feet". There is a nice alit (coolness/carressed) and the phrase gives it a floaty feel, adding to the sureal effect. To further add to the surealness, your next exquisite line, "Timid wind played harp strings, strumming a soft sigh." pushes this over the top. Timid/wind adds wonderful assonance, and the strings/strumming/soft/sigh alits have a whispery quality. The bridge that signifies the door to the spirit world ( more surealness) draws the reader further in to the dream. "Opal waters" is a pleasant description that tweaks our minds. You very effectively build up the dream with flutteryness(is that a word?lol) so we are floating through this dream with you and then BOOM! The cold/chill splintered/spine (more wonderful alliteration) comes crashing down on us like an electric shock! The effect is stunning. From there it is no longer a pleasant dream, but a nightmare where the reality of death separates us from the world we have come to know. " The gardens blush waned to gray, my delight gave into panic" -----this has a gut wrenching effect. I can identify with the feeling, because as a child, I used to have these nice floaty dreams where everything was all wonderful and then I would be at school taking my coat off and have no clothes on. The anxiety my dream caused me at the age of 7 years was tremendous when I woke up in a cold sweat. Now, I think it's funny, but I sure didn't then. There is even more alliteration and assonance running through this piece that adds much and makes it flow really nicely. There is a typo of [sturggled] in line 14, which I assume you meant [struggled]. You've written a strikingly phantasmagoric (haha Mell) poem that shows off your versitility. (I just realized I spelled surreal wrong too many times to go back and change, so sorry) Thanks for sharing this, Marilyn. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-24 10:05:13
Ice Daggers	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, This is beautiful imagry in Haiku form. You have established a perfect 5-7-5 syllable count and I can picture these ice daggers dripping. Sometimes the cold can be so bitter and stabbing like little ice daggers. That's what I "feel" from this image. We have a place under the gutter on our front stoop that always gets an icicle forming when the snow starts to melt ( mostly because our clogged gutters need a good cleaning). It kind of scares me to walk under it and I walk around it instead. :) I find it quite lovely you have personified the snow and given it a will of it's own. Then you also personify the ground as eager and therefore apparently thirsty. Kind of like the snow is the Mother and the ground is the baby with it's mouth open and waiting for nourishment. I've truely enjoyed this Haiku and hope to see you write more of this style. Thanks for posting and sharing this beauty. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-23 18:34:46
japanese verse 33 (Snow Capes)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Erzahl, I keep rolling that phrase "Marshmallow Pillows" around in my mouth, saying it over and over. It makes my tounge happy and sounds wonderfully dreamy. The imagry of the phrase is strong. I can picture the mountains with big bulging white clouds drooping down on them. My daughter used to have a down-filled coat we called her marshmallow coat because it was so puffy. I picture the mountains with their white cape pulled around their shoulders, hovering under it. What a lovely vision. This is such a great winter time Haiku. I wish we had some snow capes hanging around here, so we could have a white Christmas, but unfortunately it's going to be a cold Christmas without benefit of snow capes to insulate us. The good news is it might be clear enough to see the stars. Thank you for the joy of reading this exquisite piece. Have a wonderful Christmas filled with visions of sugarplums. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-23 16:31:53
Christmas in Texas	Mell W. Morris	Oh Mell, I can hear your Texas drawl reciting this poem and it makes me chuckle to think of it. This is a charming Christmas poem/song and I could not let it go by without ackonwledging that. I'm surprised you didn't work Johnny Cash into this. HEE HEE. He was from Texas, wasn't he? I have a recording of him singing The little Drummer Boy. We put up with lots of cold weather up here in Missouri, but even this year, with all the snow we've had in December, more than likely we will not have a White Christmas, either. Thanks for the Christmas wishes and heres s'more right back atcha! Have a Blessed Christmas, Jennifer	2003-12-23 16:05:16
A Failure To	Thomas Edward Wright	Tom, every time I read this I get more and more outraged. I forget about being passive, loving, kind. Like Bruce Almighty, I want to be God and dole out justice. jj	2003-12-21 15:46:18
Goblet	C Arrownut	Hi C, I can relate to this poem. I like the metaphor of the soul being a goblet. In a poetic sense it's quite beautiful. A carafe would be even better(*smile) because you could pour your soul out to others like you're doing here, and then refill it, over and over again. hehe The name "Goblet" does get my attention and interest to read the poem. The poem has nice flow and kind of pours out into my (numb from the commercialism of Christmas) brain. It feels like a balm being applied before the bandaid. I like the blinking light in the stem, as it is neonish like all the blinking lights we see around us this time of year, kind of hypnotizing if we don't look away for a minute. But in this instance it grabs your attention and smashes the trance of the walking Christmas zombie. hehe. This poem is good stuff! The imagry of the high heel smashing in your face is quite vivid and graphic. "magnitude" is an excellent choice of words here and "I really like the phrase "crackling grooves of the lighted stem are hung out in front of my incredulous eyes." You'd have to be "incredulous" to the meaning of Christmas to not "feel it", wouldn't you? But there ya go. Thanks for reminding us there are still some people of this world who are not handcuffed with mouth duct taped and imprisoned on the runaway train of commercialism. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-21 09:33:47
Poetry (in the Tradition of Science)	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Dear Jordan, That is truly amazing. Science is poetry in motion isn't it? And this poem is a nice tribute to that fact. I especially see chemistry in poetry when I look at the power weilded with pure potent condensed words as opposed to watered down wordy versions of the poems I write. I find there is much more of a reaction to the strong less wordy versions just like in chemistry, right? *smile* Condensation and sumblimation indeed. Nice soft rhyme. I really like this poem, Jordan. It does speak to me. You mix assonance like components of a chemistry experiment with moon/loom and Einsteins mind and it causes little explosions in my brain. *smile* The Allit of shine/shore adds to this piece as well. Imagry is sprinkled through this piece very effectively, in the first stanza with the moth balls and dewdrops, in the second stanza with the moon, in the third stanza you dazzle with light dancing over Einstiens mind, and even in the last stanza with the egg and sperm cell there is imagry working its poetic chemistry. Superb ending with "Now I breathe and verse." It doesn't get better than this. Thanks for an mind inspiring poem, Jordan. Blessings to you, Jennifer	2003-12-19 13:59:10
As to the Site of the Preservation of Memories	Thomas Edward Wright	Hi Tom. I feel your pain. It's a hard thing. This is a hard time of year to be without our Mothers. My Mom has been gone for six years now. The day she passed is as vivid as if it were yesterday. I went to the grocery that day and while I was standing at the checkout, two masked men robbed the store and there I was standing there with my hands in the air while his gun was pointed right at me, face to face with death. Afterwards I went home and got a phone call from my sister telling me my Mom passed away. Worst day of my life. "the image of her lying in the coffin, lid down, dark as night, just horrifies me. I think of fire and the option of burning her into ash."---I could sooo relate to this thought. One thing I can tell you is the sweet memories are the very thing that cushion the blow and help me to never forget her face and touch. This is a heartfelt piece that truly touched my heart. Thanks. Jennifer	2003-12-12 23:55:33
Rural Shindig	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Dear Jordan, I've been waiting for more of your thouroughly entertaining poetry. This lighthearted piece is chock full of festive, colorful vocabulary. "Rural Shindig" calls to mind the sprawling country manor party of an era gone by. Something straight out of Shakepeare's "Much ado about nothing". I much enjoy reading this piece, Jordan. You start with an extraordinary simile and go on to describe the guests with great visuals. I like the despritions you use: "Sly spongers" (nice allit) "prickly-chinned hangers-on" "wilely gate-crashers", "dim-witted scarecrows" are all wonderful imagry and an abundance of colorful descriptions. As a people-watcher, I think I would enjoy being a little mouse in the corner at this shindig. "Frolic wham reverberated " this is an interesting combination of words, but I am having trouble understanding your meaning here. I am thinking that both wham and reverberated are verbs and I have never seen them used together like this. Stanza two's description of the party sounds luxurious and inviting. I can close my eyes and picture the scene from your imagry. Thanks for sharing this piece, Jordan. It sets my imagination free. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-12-12 11:22:09
Missing	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, Today in my bible study class, we said a prayer for all widows and anyone in mourning during the holidays. It's such a hard time of year to be alone. I lost my Mom 6 years ago the week after Christmas and I always miss her most at Christmas time. What a bittersweet sentiment you have here with "Missing" and what an apt title for this one. The structure is pleasant with three stanzas of the A/C, B/D rhyme scheme. The repetition of "I miss him" gives this reader a very good picture of what your thoughts are. You pretty much miss him every day, all day long, and all night too from what I can tell. This is a beautiful thought:"I miss him when pines whisper and streams ripple" You honor his memory with this poem and with all the ways you keep him in your memory. The hardest thing would actually be if you ever did forget him. I'll include you in my prayers during the holiday season. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-30 21:03:37
japanese verse 32 (Chess)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, Again you dazzle us with your talent for writing japanese verse. Ah yes, the game of Chess is soooo like the game of life. Defending the king is something we spend our life doing. Strategy is very important in this arena. As a young adult, I used to play chess and very much enjoyed matching wits against my boyfriend, brother, and other male friends. Guys always think that women are bad at playing strategy games. That is their first mistake. Their second mistake is goofing around and not paying attention because they assume women are bad at strategy games. :) I love the use of "checkered" as an adjective for arena with a double meaning of 1) patterned with alternating squares of color, and 2)marked by changeable fortune. That is pure genus, Ezrahl! "The Queen gambits her might"---I've never seen the word "gambit" used as anything but a noun, yet your use of it as a verb for meneuvering into an advantageous position is creative and daring and I love it! This one's a hit! My eye is on you, Erzahl. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-30 20:25:58
This Last Christmas	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Dear Paul, This is a hard time of year for any kind of mourner. The profound sense of aloneness expressed here is sadly felt by this reader. Endings are hard in the best of times, but when divorce occurs in a family with children, it makes it doubly hard to weather the holidays. Usually families fall on tradition during holiday times, and divorce doesn't allow for that luxury. Time to make some new traditions. It's easy to get bogged down with the memories of Christmas past than deal with the bleak present. This structure is very pleasing to the eye which contrasts to the unpleasant feelings the narrator is expressing. The reader notes immediately that the title is "This Last Christmas" and that you mention this twice in the poem also. I assume this means this is the last Christmas you will be married in name anyway, but are already physically apart. In stanza three line 2 it reads "and attended to by a courtroom documents." I think the "a" needs deleted and it will read better. "only memories wrapped in time beneath an absent tree."----This is so poeticly and profoundly true. Nicely done , poet. With this poem you touch the readers heart and you express your feelings well here. Keep writing, I can attest it helps alot. My Best, Jennifer	2003-11-30 17:30:05
The Rush	Ken Dauth	Dear Ken, This sensual poem has much to offer and I am glad it surfaced on my list. I really don't feel the title does this writing justice, though. I think after this beautiful encounter, it takes something away to simply call it "The Rush". More fitting would be maybe "Zenith" or something similar. But then, I may have missed the point. Starting with this metaphor "Entwined desires cascade the evening’s shoulders" is quite a lovely way to begin and gives the reader the image of their desires entwined, which is a delightful one. There is much assonance that wafts through this poem. With the subtle alleration of entwined/envisioning added to the mix, the first stanza grabs the reader and doesn't let go. There is a surreal flavor that swirls through this piece, making the reader even more "held" by the words. The second strophe adds to this effect with "Lost in distant smokey places a touch ripples Through the night kindling dusty corners of passion". "Long time less then idle and forgotten"---this line either needs a coma after "less" or a change to "th[a]n", I think. The image of the spark uniting thoughtfull passion and tactile sensation in strophe three is quite breathtaking. The metaphor of hunger stalking goes well with "The taste of intimacy swells ravenous appities" One can feel the tention and building of energy here, only to explode in strophe five. "Desire is now fate at edge of delight"----I love this line! Ken , this poem excites me just reading it and is an example of excellent writing. Many of your phrasings are just exquisite. Thank you for sharing this sensual piece. My best, Jennifer	2003-11-26 09:43:19
japanese verse 31 (Twilight)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, Twilight is one of my most treasured times. To me,it has great significance. Our creator gave us a time for everything. A time to live, die, work, rest.... Twilight is a time of reflection for me. I reflect on the outcome of the day. Was it worthwhile? Did I accomplish what I needed to? Also there is much beauty in the sky at twilight, while the sun is still reflecting on the earths atmosphere. It is a time when I feel near to our creator because ultimately He said "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from night." He made the greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night. Anyone who has been out in the intense light and heat of the sun on a hot summer day can relate to your desciption of the sun as "the great torch". And twilight as the time when the sun pulls it's glaringly vivid light away from our side of the earth or as you say "Banished its scandalous flame". Also anyone who has watched the sunset can attest to the fact that you can watch it slowly move, "shying away". Thanks for the excuse to reflect on twilight and your beautiful Hauiku, Ezrahl. It's been a pleasure. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-23 16:19:01
Tsa-ga-gla-tal	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, "Tsa-ga-gla-tal" Wow, thats a mouthful! I wouldn't even attempt to pronouce that tounge twister! "She who watches"- now that is a delightful description of a racoon. I appreciate your additional notes, as they are helpful to this reader. "Full Beaver Moon floats low in cobalt sky, face pressed close lighting a path into the woods." That is a wonderful image of the full november moon rising and the sky still holding some color from twilight. You personify the moon with it's "face pressed close". That is an image I am reluctant to let leave my mind, wanting to savor every word, yet, I know from reading your nature poems that I want and need to read on. You lead us on an enjoyable journey with each one and I don't want to miss one little detail of the trip. "A raccoon of massive size emerges, lifts her head to scrutinize, cheeks puffed with food." She sounds ready for winter with her "massive size" and "puffed cheeks". It's funny, but I can identify with her right now, as I have some excess weight I'm toting that will keep me warm all winter, no doubt. :) "Ever vigilant, she dances toward me, a sturdy shape on nimble feet. Her head inclines as if to gloat, “I‘m wise to you!” " And here we are reminded of her name of Tsa-ga-gla-tal or "She who watches" as she 'vigilantly dances toward' you. Again the imagry is nice as I can picture something I have never seen---A racoon dancing! Ha! That brings a smile to me. "Soon she'll sleep wrapped in thick winter coat, safe in her den." How I long to be her in thick winter coat safely sleeping the winter away! You taught me something I didn't know being a "city gal" from way back. I didn't know raccons hibernate. Are they related to the bear family? This is facinating! "She'll watch from dreams then." This brings us back to the title again and to the Indian folk lore than is at times sureal to me. I find it all so interesting and this little taste will no doubt lead me to search for more info about the Yakima Indians. This is another of your enjoyable nature poems so nicely done. Thank you for the ride. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-22 12:55:27
Winter Night (revised)	Debbie L Fischer	Dear Debbie, At first I didn't understand, because Your response to my critique didn't actually say anything. But now I see you were hard at work making this lovely nonet absolutely perfect. Line three, changed from "background symphony softly plays" to "background music softly plays" gives the line exactly seven syllables. And that my friend makes this a perfect syllable count of 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. You have a sound structure and you kept the integrity of the piece intact. You kept the strong image of warmth from the fire side cuddling. I'd say this is truely a winner, Debbie. Congratulations on a job well done. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-20 22:41:53
The Other Side	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, There is a gentle tranquility in this piece that is so soothing. It's no mystery why I gravitate toward your poems. This one is like water to a thirsty traveler, quenching my parched being. When I first read the title "The Other Side", I immediately thought of heaven or the spirit world. This poem (the bridge) takes on a heavenly spirit all it's own. Unity or sense of oneness is the prevailing feeling I am left with after drinking it all in. The opening line focuses instantly on quieting and calming our psyche. The aroma of your linguistic expertise wafts through my mind, lulling me with internal rhymes of please/ease, then, evolved/resolve, ravine/sheen, and abyss/sleepless. Assonance also floats on the gentle breeze of your words. River/water/under adds soft rhyme and rhythym. You personify the bridge, giving it a spirit of it's own, as it becomes "sleepless as the water that runs under"---I love that line. "Evolved from man's resolve to cross" gives an added demension here. In the second strophe, you turn up the thermostat on the imagry with a delightful description. The spavine/spans alliteration gives a rustic feel as does "rattle". Add honeysuckle's scent and beauty to the mix and I am wanting to sit down and hang my legs through the rustic slats and inhale all the sights. "Vines that twine" is sounds wonderful and adds beauty to the visual. Railing/assail is another addition to the internal rhyme that makes this piece so lovely to read aloud. The enjambment bridging strophes two and three is masterfully done like only you can do, Mell. The idea of the bridge taking on the aspects of the water under it tickles my mind awake to concentrate and meditate, if you will, on this new idea. "This perfection of connection elivates my being"---what a great line with a great rhyme as well! Also Traits/assimilate, streams/dreams and rills/fill ---more internal rhyming that adds so much to the rhythym and appeal of this piece. By the end I am one with the bridge. lol. The thought that we, ourselves take on the traits of our own environment, like the bridge is another thought that elevates the reader to a place of unity with the universe. This is one I am printing out to read over and over. Thanks for the mood/ mind-elevating read. My best, Jennifer	2003-11-20 10:45:40
Winter Night	Debbie L Fischer	Dear Debbie, Cool! I'm glad to see someone else stepping out and trying new forms. You did a nice job with this nonet. The title "Winter Night" evokes feelings of chill air and the desire to snuggle, but this piece goes further than that. There is assonance blended throughout and a nice soft rhyme with blending/tender. "Frost-tipped windows" sends little chills down my back, and my house has a window that the wind howls in so loudly (which I think adds to the feeling of being chilled). But when I visualize your imagry here I can feel the warmth and coziness of this winter night of yours. There is just the tiniest problem here. If I counted right there are eight syllables in line 3, instead of seven, which can easily be fixed. This is an excellent first nonet for you Debbie. Thanks for sharing such a lovely piece. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-19 22:35:22
Day At The Beach	marilyn terwilleger	Dear Marilyn, The experience you describe here is unsettling, isn't it? It's hard to gaze at the expansiveness of the ocean and sky and not think of the world beyond and all that is happening. To drink in all the beauty and tranquility of creation and then remember, oh yeah, there is war and hunger and greed and..... You captivate us with the picture you paint here. "Day At The Beach" sounds like a way to forget all your troubles and relax. Your description is quite heavenly. You draw this reader in with the title and then grab my attention and don't let go. Your opening phrase "Ribbons of exuberant waves" is a most pleasant and exhilerating image evoking description. Immediately, your use of aliteration starts with splash/spill and sandy/soil bringing the sound of the waves on the beach to me. Sitting at my desk in Missouri, I am about as far from the ocean as a person can get, but I can hear the waves splashing and see them. Then, you add to this wonderful illusion with creasted/caves and sprinkle/sparkling. I especially enjoy the phrase "sun's rays sprinkle a path of sparkling diamonds" because I have seen exactly what you describe and it is a gorgeously apt description for a sight that mesmerizes this beach bum. Your second stanza is light and playful, just like the ocean breeze on warm pleasant day. Again you aim your alliteration and score a bulls eye with knobby/knees, some/stop/stare and mooching/meal. Assonance comes wafting through like the ocean breeze with terns/webbed and feet/knees/beaks/beach/meal. I can see the terns sautering. lol, cracks me up to watch them. Your description makes me long to frolick on the beach one more time. Stanza three evokes the feeling that nature itself is trying to tell us something...something big. First "streamlined cranes soar" draws our attention to the big sky and then "ocean's lid" adds the big sea to the mix and together with the 'arrows' draws our eyes to the horizon. I really love your creative use of lid/cover meaning the top of the ocean. After all, it does seem to contain much from spilling into the sky. The cranes becoming arrows that spear the ocean's cover is quite an image! You words soar here! Then boom...we're hit with the realization that we are like a insignificant speck of dust in the universe. This is powerful writing, Marilyn. I profoundly feel the sadness that burdens your heart. Sometimes it is easy to forget that others suffer while we are enjoying ourselves. The contrast of the beaty and of nature at the beach and the ugliness of the suffering and war is a stirring reminder to all of us. "tranquill day at the beach" and "war ripped world" in the ending strophe are amazing distinctions for this reader. You bring your point home well. I like the way your form changes at the end. It makes for even more of a jolting effect. This is a heartfelt and thought provoking piece. Thanks for writing and sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-19 11:03:35
Haiku	Drenda D. Cooper	Hi Drenda. What a morning I'm having! First Debbie's "Be Silent" and now your Haiku. The Lord is working on me, no doubt. I know, this is not necesarily a religeous theme, but for this reader there is much significance in these few lines. Memories can serve as one of the best reminders of past mistakes and things done right, alike... Or just things we forget to keep in the fore front of our minds that suddenly, through the Spirit, are found reflected in the mirror of time (reflected in the fractal of our minds, prompting us). See what I mean? You are causing much 'reflection'. This is a well written Haiku with mulitiple layers of meaning. Thanks for the food for thought. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-18 11:38:45
Be Silent	Debbie Spicer	Thank you , Debbie. These are words of wisdom and faith, and if I ever needed to hear them, it was today. Sometimes I have trouble being still to be filled. It's like I can't turn my mind off from the worry and wonder. Will I ever get a job Lord, What am I going to do now? I've been sick all week and I needed to be out there pounding the pavement. How will we make it with the Holidays comming? But your inspirational words have helped me to focus on Him and have faith that He will provide and see us through. After I finished reading your poem I was able to focus , clear my mind and pray with a new perspective. I don't usually log on TPL til I've done my morning prayer jouraling, but I think today I was led here for a reason. "Be Silent" is a message within a title if there ever was one. Your message to surrender to Him as the only way to recieve these comforts to ease burdens...that is THE thing I needed to remember...Surrender daily. Thank you and Bless you, Jennifer	2003-11-18 10:26:32
Finding Hope	Rick Barnes	Dear Rick, Wow Poet! What a great visual you give the reader with this concept of the trees breaking up the sky like a jigsaw puzzle. There are times when poetry thrills me to the core and this is one of those times. But I get ahead of myself in my enthusiasm. To begin with, This poem brings to mind november, in every way. First with the title, "Finding Hope", which conveys to this reader that in the bleak gray sky of late fall, there is the aroma of new hope in the november air. Many view it as a heralding of the coming birth of Christ. "Configured" is an apt description of the bare tree branches as they reach toward the sky. Your other decriptors (outstretched, dormant, barren)make this imagry even sharper. The idea of the branches holding up the sky conjures an image that is absolutely delightful... Makes me downright giddy just thinking about it. Your words like breaking, gray, and barren give a bleakness that contrasts with the idea of finding hope from the title. You masterfully employ assonance throughout this piece too many times to mention each separately. Your ending sentence, after this lovely idea of outstretched arms just heaves this poet right off the cliff and airborne to fly with the hopeful birds. Well, Rick you just made this afternoon worth while. I am home sick while my husband is using what will probably be the last oppertunity (65 degree day) to sail this year. So thank you much. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-16 15:58:42
Watermarks	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, This is such a nice tribute. If only I could figure out who it is for. *smile* And what the challenge was... All I can think of is it must be about a Publisher/Printer located on State in Chicago. That is about the extent of what I could ascertain. Quite a mystery you have woven into these lines, poet. I used to live in Chicago as a kid and have been out on lake Michagan when my Dad took us out in his baby cabin cruiser. I thought it was so cool because it was a lake , but you could not see the other side from the shore. It was a real bumpy ride. At the time I thought "this must be like the ocean! The name "Watermark" implies to the reader we are relating to printing in some way, since we won't get any watermarks on the thirty eighth floor. *Smile* jk Thats where the mystery/adventure starts. . Love the phrase "long-urned" meaning ancestors. Also love the music reference-"Lose your Blues, toddling" lyrics from Tony Bennet's song "Chicago" of course. What a great way to let the reader know your talkin about Chicago! Great enjambment from line 4 to 5. Nice internal rhyme with floor/decor. Wonderful assonance with Lake/State and then again with lose/ blues! Another nice rhyme-smudges/drudgery. Again more wonderful assonance with soul/glows and basso-relievo(ha! that one is great!) And then of course there's rush/much/touch! Wow Mell, as usual you are knocking my socks off with the music of this piece! I admit I had to look up the word "palimpsest". Very nice, the way that one fit right in. You amaze me! This guy sounds pretty quirky. (A good poem subject) Great Alliteration with "Printed paper precludes". Then odd/doddery and quaint/querulous to round out his personality no doubt/lol He sounds like a very interesting soul. The ending is just making me want more. This is a nice stucture with the three stanzas. OK Mell, WHO? is this? You certainly know how to spin a yarn, but please tell me who you're writing about? This is just brilliant. But, do you know how many times I read this over trying to figure out the mystery? I finally said Forget it Jen, just write a critique before it disapears down the list. Ok. I'll be quiet. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-13 16:23:45
acrostic 1 (Wishful Thinking)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, How delightful! And I'm getting excited because I'm hoping that you are going to be doing a series of acrostics since you numbered this one! Your variation of grouping this acrostic as a phrase instead of in a line down the page is unique and creative. The effect is quite pleasing to the eye. And though I never thought the traditional way was choppy, this way in comparison flows much nicer. I just love when you get inspired, Ezrahl, because beautiful things tend to happen and this is a perfect example. Your title is lovely. "Wishful Thinking" is where I spend alot of time. *smile*. So I can relate to this subject matter quite well. But seriously, this says so much within these words. It seems we spend alot of time visualizing our dreams in terms of wishful thinking. When if we would just see the path to the dream and it becomes a reality by the careful steps of a plan. You have done yourself a great service by writing your series of Haiku, because you have been expressing yourself within the concept of less words is more. That is a powerful technique and here the result is evident as well, for in this strict form you can only use a determined number of words. The words you've chosen for this acrostic expertly describe your title to a tee. It takes more than hope to turn dreams into reality. Your equisite explanation of what it takes is inspiring. Thanks for sharing this one, and I can't wait to see #2! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-13 10:38:12
japanese verse 30 (Vulture)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Hi Ezrahl! Rich with allteration and assonance, this is quite an extraordinary piece! You use only very descriptive words to give the reader the message of what a vulture is all about. You also employ personification to give the human-like character of villian to the vulture, which is an accurate and creative depiction. Actually your imagry is quite good here as it does give this reader a picture in mind that is hitting it's mark , however not pleasant...smile. Just teasing you Esrahl! I hope you are going to publish a book of all your Haiku someday, as I think it would make the ultimate coffee table book. I know I would want one. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-11 18:10:09
Cats In Cardboard Boxes	Annette L Cowling	Annette, Welcome to TPL. How nice to have some fresh new poetry! This is a lovely tribute and cleverly done. "I realize that you are the sandbar that connects This human island to the last mile of reality."-----wonderful metaphor! "Cocoon of creativity" has a nice ring to it--great alliteration. Very quaint the way in stanza two you bring the cats into the poem and give them status as part of the "audience of admirers" which is another good alliteration. "At that moment, the rest of the world is beneath me."--Here You are either referring to being on cloud nine or just feeling important because your writer has included you as important enough to share private creative thoughts with, or it could be both. In either case I like this thought and it tells us this person is very important to you. Stanza three is exquisitely worded: "I love the way the melody of your words fudge together, Like melting candle wax, forming an impromptu sculpture.----what a delicious simile I want to pick your potent words of delicious ripeness, And bathe my lips with the juice that saturates them."-----more wonderful imagry! Stanza four just pulls it all together so we know without a shadow of a doubt that this person is your true love and you float off to sleep securely with him in the next room and the cats in their box. All is well. This part just gives me nice warm fuzzy feelings all over. This poem is well thought out and written and the structure is pleasing to the eye. The flow is nice and who cares if the meter is not exact, because I wouldn't even have known if I hadn't counted. Since we are supposed to offer suggestions, I suggest you don't cap every first word of each line. Instead, only cap the beginning of each sentence. Capping each new line is distrating when you read the poem and it will make the flow even better if you don't. This is a very pleasing poem chock full of great imagry. Thanks for sharing this piece. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-11 17:53:27
A Thousand Vacant Bodies	Eddie S. Iris	Wow Eddie, if this doesn't shake at least a few people awake, I don't know what would. Very guttsy, compelling and thought provoking piece. "A Thousand Vacant Bodies" is a name that grabs our attention and doesn't let go. And the poem just keeps a tight grip on my arm, holding me there to the end. Even the stars are sick of us for the incredably thoughtless way we live our lives. Since the beauty of the stars can't hypnotize us into acting like we care about our own the completely blackened sky suggests plenty of ideas on how to take care of the problem! Nicely done, poet!This has a huge impact for this reader! And why would we think anyone would notice we were stinking up the place? They never noticed before, did they? Thank you for a very profound work. I hope to see more of your poetry, Eddie my best, jennifer	2003-11-06 09:35:48
japanese verse 27 (Will)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezralh, This one is very unique. I feel it must have been even harder to write about a nontangible item like "will". But you've done some extra work here and it paid off. The flow coupled with the drive/survive rhyme gives an outstanding effect to this reader. You've captured the essense of "Will" perfectly. I also like the order you arranged line two in. "to live free and survive" tells me that it takes extra effort to live "free" and still survive. I hope that is the way you meant it, because it certainly works well for this reader. Thank you for sharing another of your "beauties" Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-06 08:36:54
For The Sake Of All Lovers Lost To This	Rick Barnes	What a beautiful sentiment, Rick. This is a stirringly romantic piece. I love a long title that not only draws the reader in, but conveys a message all by itself and this does exactly that. There is alot to like here and that doesn't surprise me, since all your poems are chock full of subtle little things that tweak my heart. Seems like I have waited forever for this one to get to the top of my list and it's still not there, but I feel I can't wait any longer to comment. "It doesn’t only come down to you and I. There are violins guiding our every move" [Actually it doesn't come down to you and I, that is the cool part of living and loving. To know that we are part of a wonderful plan for the entire universe just gives me goose bumps all over. I love the way this is stated so eloquently here.] "And the aroma of myths we live by Fill our lungs in passionate breaths We have no choice but to breathe." [I'm hyperventalating here, Rick, with the thought of this!] "Oh, how I wish I believed This was all conceived In the genius of our two hearts. Oh, how I wish our fate belonged, If only in part, To the granting of wishes And the power of desire." [love the breathe/beieved/conceived combination. It works well here. Also hearts/part is a well placed nice soft rhyme] [Actually, I too, would like to believe "free will" does have a lttle to do with it:)] "That just this once, For the sake of all lovers lost to this, Since first four lips created a kiss, There could burn such a fire With such passionate force That our love become flame And our souls be the source." Here you bring your title into play nicely, then boom, this last part just explodes for this reader. I'm seeing fireworks all over the page! I'm going to share this one with my husband. He'll love it. My only suggestion is that if you are going to have punctuation, then you could ease up on the capping of every first word and it would flow very nicely. Thanks for sharing such a lovely and deep poem. I'm grateful to be able to read and share it. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-11-04 14:47:07
From Night to Morning	marilyn terwilleger	Yes, Marilyn, just a very heartwarming thought! Your imagry here is acutely evident. As I read I am immediately thrust into space as I watch the weaving of this three D galaxy. Your use of soft "W"'s builds warmth as it goes, right to the end when it alights with yellow warmth for this reader. The use of personification brings this idea down to earth with ease. This poem is a good example of how less words can give more power and depth. I like the way you have captured these images in the readers mind with few, but image evoking words. There is also a comfort in these words. Night leads us into morning, Darkness into light. I like that thought. Thanks for an enjoyable read. A good way to start my morning! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-30 10:28:58
Mother and Child	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Hi Jordan! Thanks to you for being inspired and to Ezrahl for doing the inspiring. After reading Mark's "Mother of Sorrows" , this piece gives off a little devine inspiration as well. To me, this brings to mind Mother Mary holding the baby Jesus to her breast. Her heart filled with the pure love of His innocence, she sings sweet lullabyes to Him, literally rocking heaven in her arms. Wow! Jordan I dearly love this Haiku. You have taken a lovely, heartwarming thought and turned it into a powerfull image. Your form is of course flawless with the 5-7-5 format and you've picked a name that immdeiately gives us a strong image in our minds. Then you cleaverly build on that with each new line. Kudos to you for an inspiring work. My Best, Jennifer	2003-10-30 09:50:32
japanese verse 29 (Breeze)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, This could be my favorite of your beautiful, inspiring Haiku. Actually it would be too hard to choose a favorite, but this one has such promise. The image this congers up is so delightfully thought provoking. "Wind tickles the woods As leaves giggle in pleasure Echoing the bliss" This brings to mind the arms of God reaching down to hug the forrest in His sweet embrace, His lips planting a soft whispering kiss that lavishes love on all His creation , His sweet breath like a gentle breeze caressing all. Creation thrills with pleasure at His touch, shining His Glory for all to see. As usual, you say so much with so few words and again I am filled to overflowing. If a poet has ever been used to shine Gods Glory to the world, that poet is you. Thanks for this inspiration. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-27 10:43:08
Colors of Aah!	Donna L. Dean	Dear Donna, What an expressive title! "The Color of Aah" I like that. And right off the bat you give us some imagry that just knocks me for a loop with your descriptioin of a sunset: "The sun begins to drop like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil." This is a very unique simile, and gives us a definate picture in our minds as we read. "pink pearl" and "olive oil" are great visualizers. Next we get the affect this beautiful sunset has on you after a long day. Aah yes, a big sigh. Been there before. More imagry and color in the orange butterflys! This poem is a feast of colorful imagry. You write to nature and nature writes back! I love the way you word this: "Reading the news of nature, it's telling with tender majesty." This concept is quite appealing to me. "Tender majesty" oozes from everything in nature. The ending here is spectacular. You fall like the brown and gold leaves onto your bed---nice imagry here too then communing with your heart like you just did with nature, you also read what your heart wrote: then dream of your love....his dark-brown irises. Wow. Love doesn't get any better then this! and neither does image filled poetry. Just a thought would be to emphasize each thought a little more you could try separating them out like this: The sun begins to drop like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil. I breathe a sigh of relief for the day was tiresome. The paired butterflies are orange like the jack-o'-lanterns. I write to the tree, to the soil, to the sky and they write back to me. Reading the news of nature, it's telling with tender majesty. I fall like the leaves of gold and brown upon my bed communing with my heart, dreaming of your dark-brown irises. Again that is just a thought and I do love this just the way it is. Thanks so much for sharing such lovliness, Jennifer	2003-10-24 13:52:32
Two Diamantes	Joanne M Uppendahl	Dear Joanne, This form is very pleasing to the eye and can really say alot in terms of comparison/contrast. A double in this case is twice as nice! I shared these with my 17y son, as he was walking by and noticed them on my screen. It was funny because when he first noticed them, he dismissed this particular form saying "We studied those Diamantes in poetry class last year, They aren't real poems", but then I read them aloud to prove a point to him. He was very impressed and decided that you had done well with this form. Of course you have to know Tony to realize this is a high complement. Your "Double Diamond" here is spectacular and engaging. Sounds like I'm talking about a ring doesn't it? haha. I might need more coffee before I write this. ;D These two Diamantes go together well, since mountains, clouds and snow sure do come together. When I went to Colorado, I saw a perfect example of this. I have seen alot of Diamantes that were complete opposites, but I really enjoy the way these come together in a more subtle manner. In fact they are quite stunning. The first one, with it's use of wonderfully descriptive words, has imagry that captures the imagination then sets it free to explore the possibities. An example of this is how I can picture in my minds eye the clouds as they shift and twist into different forms and grow thicker and more like storm clouds untill snow is forming and falling and I can look at each snow flake and see how it is different from all the others. Then theres the fact that when I first start reading I'm thinking of the soft shape shifting cottony type clouds that come with warm weather, the kind you lay in the grass and watch, and at the end the weather is brrrrr cold! As I said, this poem sets the imagination free! #2 Diamante is also full of that same kind of imagry. I can picture your magestic mountain and scale it, reaching the top, relax and enjoy the clouds that look as though I could reach out and touch them. Or I can view the mountain from a short distance away, in all it's glory, and watch the clouds as they form around it obscuring part of it and looking all surreal. Or......The possibilities are endless. Thanks twofold, because you gave me pause to daydream and because you gave a bonding moment with my son and a chance to teach him an important lesson about life. Your form of course is perfect. No surprise there. Blesings, Jennifer	2003-10-23 09:36:37
japanese verse 28 (Rose)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Dear Ezrahl, Your beautiful Rose Haiku has filled me to overflowing. The concept of a rose being liquid beauty we drink in with our eyes is one of the most intoxicating and satisfying thoughts I've ever had. Just pondering your Haiku has made me realize that we can also drink the aroma of the rose with our nose and and drink the tender soft velvet of it with our skin. Crimson roses are my most favorite flower. So simple yet elegant. And they remind of Jesus and the blood he shed for us. Which brings me to a whole different level of intoxicating satisfaction. Thanks for that added reminder. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-22 11:13:40
Night Dreams	Mary E. Gustas	Dear Mary, What a nice dream this is! You express yourself very well and I'm glad we at TPL get to reap the benefits of your love expressions. Your aliterations fill this 1st stanza up with nothing but good floaty feelings: fragrance/fills, whiff/wonder/what, pleasant/perfume, now/nudges/nose Then in the 2nd stanza "sweet-smelling, spicey scent" pleasingly draws me into the dream. Stanza 3 has the most wonderful imagry with its warm amber glow from a melting melange of candles. And I like the way this warm feeling I get from that leads right into stanza 4 and the warmth overtaking you. The "W" repititions of warth/watching/wick make this fervor glow here. The imagry again in stanza 5 is wonderful with the inviting table set before you. It seems to beacon the reader to the feast. Speaking of feasting, this last stanza is full of "E" reptitions in exploring/exotic/exciting/ erotic. The soft rhyme here also is lulling all the senses to float in your tempting dream. My only suggestion is this: Being as this has turned into one long dream, I would suggest you take the "s" off the title and call it "Night Dream". But either way this is such a lovely poem. IT's like a breath of fresh air for this reader. Thanks for sharing this one! Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-22 10:09:25
R&R	Jeff Green	Hi JEff. This has such stark contrast between the first and second stanza. Unbelievable the effect it has on this reader. To be sitting amongst the wealth while viewing the destruction must be more then a little strange. I'm sure , however, that it is much less unsettling then to be in the midst of the fighting. Should I assume you are a soldier in Iraq? I know I shouldn't assume, but that is where the Euphrates River runs, I believe. You wouldn't have to be a soldier, that part is a guess. This flows well without puntuation and the 2 stanza , five line composition is a good way to present this with the first stanza and second in complete contrast with one another. Your use of reclining as the opening word falls right into place with the title "R&R". The use of the repetitive "W" sound makes one think of another "W" word----WAR You paint quite a picture in the mind with this one, Jeff. Thanks for sharing and reminding us there is war, death and destruction goin on in the world and we should be prayer for all our brave American soldiers safe return. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-21 13:32:22
I Ought to Autumn	Donna L. Dean	Donna, I can surely relate to the message in this multileveled poem. Your title is cleverly done. "I ought to Autumn" has a nice ring too. In your first stanza you contrast the brown(dying) of fall with the white of winter. The comparison/contrast also reminds me of the seasons of our life. I especailly like the phrase "the straw colored light will be white" with it's light/white rhyme. Nice touch. You have nicely phrased the second stanza with something that all readers will relate to. Time marches on. Then in stanza three you bring it back to nature which is refreshing. This is my favorite because the wording is so lovely: "It has been many years since a flame. The horizon of lavender and yellow streaks the sky with new possibilities to ignite." And it brings us back to the poets life. As I read on You are in tune with nature here and I like the balance you have between human and nature that you build upon here as you go on till boom at the end where you very eloquently decide to let your defenses fall and at the same time compare them to the leaves falling. Wow, I love that part. This is wonderfully done and thank you for sharing it. I'd say it was a truely enjoyable read with a very nice ending. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-21 10:50:59
Kite	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Jordan, Your Haiku brings back memories for this reader of a time of carefree days of a child. But you have kind of been in that mode lately, haven't you? This piece is qiute bouncy and I am enjoying the repitition of "B" with "blows barely" and again the "Doughty dreamer dares" is a very pleasing combo. What I enjoy most about Haiku is that by using less words it gives increased power to the words and in this case you have masterfully pulled it off with grace and style using some very powerful words and by doing so you make this soar. Thanks for the memory, Jennifer	2003-10-20 21:35:09
Talking To The Trees	Mell W. Morris	Dear Mell, To begin with, congratulations on your recent number one poem "Echoes from the Sea". It made for a thouroughly enjoyable reading experience for this reader! Talking to and listening to the leaves, what a concept! This is so alive with the music of nature. There is a rhythm that has bounding energy in this piece. Reading this aloud is a joyful encounter with our outside environment. The leaves giving eulogies to the seasons is such a comforting thought. I just spent 4 days living on a sailboat and being one with nature and I can tell you that everything in nature does sing praises to God so why not leaves giving eulogies? I'd like to think that those beautiful colors don't just spill to the ground without saying something! The lake and birds and last of tree frogs and other forest creatures were singing a wonderful lullaby to us as we lay in our bunks at night. Even the stars seem to sing. Your reasons/seasons rhyme fits nicely into the bouncing rhythm. "Crushed hushes" and "dallying breezes" and "tallies of tree-bole rings" also bounce in harmony. Leaves talking about breezes and the age of the trees! Masterful! I love that. My personal favorite is: "Leaves are like pages of poetry that assuage loneliness. Come, fill empty spaces by listening to their lore of teardrop traces" Comparing leaves to pages of poetry is just brilliant. Such riches to learn indeed! Oh and glory of their stories is nice too. Thanks Mell, this is one to treasure. By the way I was so sorry to hear you were sick. I hope you are feeling much better. Please get your rest so you can continue givng us your music to our ears and eyes. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-20 21:19:39
Haiku: Warnings	Darlene A Moore	Hi Darlene. Congratulations on taking Haiku to a new level. This is wonderful! These warnings in animal form are done perfectly to show first the emotion involved for each one(dog, snake, cat), then the action that goes with the emotion, and finally the warning. All in perfect unity with eachother. The pure raw power and emotion packed into each of these is awesome. I believe there is an extra space between beware and wild. Is it a typo or meant to denote a long pause? I have enjoyed this haiku. Well done, poet. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-16 22:42:16
Forever Daddy	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Well, Jordan, You are just on this trip down memory lane lately aren't you? First with "Pigtails" and now with "Forever Daddy". You're having a great time reminiscing and the rest of us get to reap the benefits of it by reading these gems of yours. Once a Daddy, always a daddy. And what fond memories you have. And what a grand tribute this is to your father, Jordan. I am so glad you shared this with us. You've given us a glimpse of your heart and I so love it when poetry does that! It's clear right from your first stanza that you have much love and respect for your father and that he always treated you with love and respect. I like the way you express the idea that like the stars being too many to count so are your fathers efforts to teach you. The imagry throughtout is great as I picture you soaring through the sky, I can see the kite, and you in your armor. Yes you've done a great job of showing us all the ways your father taught you to be a man. This is my favorite part: "I've found the place where fine pearls are treasured In your heart, dignity and heroism of an ideal father reside in quintessence." What a nice ending for this lovely tribute: "Now, let me tell you, Daddy I may be ignorant of the world around me Yet one thing I'm sure I know You do love me and I love you, too Forever long." I enjoyed this through and through. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-16 22:12:57
For Paula	stephen g skipper	Dear Stephen, what a great tribute to your love. In your first stanza I can tell that she deeply touched and moved you Loving someone requires trust and you say that in your third stanza. The repetative lines "She spoke to me" establish a rhythm like a song that is quite enjoyable. Your fourth stanza speaks of opening oneself up to possible hurt that comes with trusting. I like the way you have worded it. "Of times present, past and futures entwined"--this is pleasing to the ear with the rhyme of times/entwined. "Of colours beyond the spectrum, Of the human eye."--This adds a level of texure to the poem that is soultouching. "Of passion and dare, Moving to compassion and care."--When a relationship moves from sexual attraction to loving what is inside the persons inner being it is truly a special relationship that blossoms to a lasting kind of love. "With lilt, truth and tone, Carved deep onto my bones."--loving one another causes your ideas and thoughts to subtlly change as your hearts and minds become entertwined growing old together. This is nicely said here. and here: "Her words softly spoken, Where they seared, Into my brain." Your ending is sweet as well: "That I love you, And you love me, For ages long gone to times yet unseen."---You have a way of phrasing that is quite exuisite. Thanks for sharing this tribute. I bet she loved it as well. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-15 18:25:12
Eight Dollar Dumb Dad	Paul R Lindenmeyer	Dear Paul, Nice to meet you. Your title is one that draws the reader in right away! lol Now this is a situation anyone with kids older then five can relate to. If you give 'em money they will find a way to spend it. But it does my heart good to think he spent it on as noble a thing as buying lunch for someone in need. You like to think that you raised them right in the end. I like the style of this, Paul. It goes kind of like a stream of conciousness. I also like what you did with the fog. And I've driven in fog enough to know that this is the only way to navigate for: "the fog slowed the flow, the brights were useless, the crawling red tail lights and boring right hand white line the only navigational tools." I like your ending how you realize that of course He's a great kid and POOF your fog is gone! Thanks for a light cheerful message to brighten our days. We sure won't get that by wtching the news. Will we? Have a great evening, Jennifer	2003-10-15 17:32:06
Pigtails	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	Jordan, This is wonderful the way you take us into the universe to glimpse what a woman is. There is such emotion in these words! I picture you looking through your telescope in delight at what you find. Your phrases and descriptions are so yummy: "I squninted her stellar figure in the Foyer" -the fricative "s" and "f" sounds add a softness to your description of her. "archives of astronomy" sounds like a majestic kind of place-like a shelf in Gods Palace. lol And the timing was so perfect that it made you squeal with joy at seeing the radiating light of her eyes. Her hair was decorated with the light of the stars! what a vision! Your imagry is adding much to the delight of this piece. I learned from this poem of yours because of your references to astronomy, Greek Mythology, and Shakespear, I had to do a little research to brush up. It's been awhile since I was in school. lol. I really enjoy a poem that makes me learn something. Thank you for sharing this, Jordan. I look forward to more of your imagry laden poetry. Blessings, Jennifer	2003-10-15 16:55:28
Past	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, this is so profoundly touching. First I want to extend my condolences to you for your loss. I know this has to be an emotional time for you and it's good that you can express your feelings so well here on TPL. From your words I can tell this is the love of your life and soul mate you are speaking of. Many go their whole life without ever finding a love like this. Yet you have experienced this intensely significant feat. This is a tribute to that love that is quite remarkable. At fist when I read The past never passes, I thought you are still mourning your loss, but I realize that while you never stop mourning a loss like this, you are actually keeping your love alive with thoughts of his comforting arms. It's not something you want to try to forget but rather something you hope to to always remember. I won't critique these poignant words except to say that every word of it is simply beautiful and I would not suggest you change a thing. You communicate your feelings very well. Blessing to you, Jennifer	2003-10-10 23:59:33
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