arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: email@example.com
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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN||Critique Date|
|A Poet's Dilemma||marilyn terwilleger||Oh a delightful piece that I believe all writer's go through. Yes, we have those moments when nothing comes to mind...but we are never inept. Think of it of having laryngitis of the mind. It will eventually go away and clear up. A very easy nice read with a title appropriate...||2006-05-27 11:21:27|
|Tree Swallows||Kenneth R. Patton||oh man...we have an awful lot of those birds around here...and they keep crapping on my car! Guess they're having fun doing that! We don't have to wait for spring around here to see them as they are here most of the year on the coast where I live. But I have more fun watching the Bald Eagles and Hawks fighting each other. I think that we all in some ways would love to be able to fly on our own. Sometimes it comes to me in a dream...have you not had that experience? Good short poem. thanks.||2006-05-27 11:17:00|
|Infinite Grace||marilyn terwilleger||Why wander unto His infinite grace? Why don't you just run towards Him and jump right in? Just a stupid remark I know, but it's the first thing that came to (my) mind after reading this... So,you want to know how you did? Okay. Rhyming is good. Content fair. Title shitty! Oops. Did I say that? What I don't like to see is the same title that's used somewhere in the body of the poem which in your case is the last line. Okay...go ahead and hit me. But personally speaking, I don't think you take the time to figure out an appropriate title...OUCH...that hurts! teehee.||2006-05-18 14:09:24|
|Rolling Thunder Medicine Man||Dellena Rovito||I almost went to see Rolling Thunder after reading a book on him. He was giving a lecture (I don't remember where), but other things got in the way. A nice tight epic here of the man and what he does. I really believe in his style of medicine. I have only one suggestion which is as follows: A woman and staff walked into place......I didn't know what you were referring to here. Was it a staff (like a walking stick, or her staff (of women, etc.). So I would suggest if it's the former then make it read: A woman walked into place holding her staff, or something along those lines.||2006-05-17 15:54:01|
|To Mommy||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Well, I'm not a "Mommy" but I can relate as a Father. I was trying to recall my Mother who died some 23 years ago and I couldn't recall one good thing. Sad as that is. But your title is that of a child yearning for the Mother...that kept me reading. Yes, your Mother could have aborted you, yes your could have killed you (how gruesome a thought), but she didn't, henceforth this lovely tribute to her. Feeding and nurturing you it seems that she was a great Mother. And it seems you turned out just fine. Just one little glitch here in tense:But because you love me so much...But because you love(d) me so.. That is all... Arnie||2006-05-15 11:01:36|
|Alcohol Poisoning||Mike j Hoffman||And the brim of mortal resignation may well be death. For symmetry, I would like to see those two long lines of yours cut in two parts. It would read better and look better. Well told. I liked the "Mentally vacant" line as that about sums it all up. Whether or not alcohol is a disease (which you never brought up)is hard to determine. Some like to think it is a disease. Personally, there is no real proof and thinking so can be a crutch. I've dealt with too many alcoholics in my career as a Psychiatric Nurse to even care anymore about them (alcoholics)now that I'm retired. I've seen the worst and am glad I don't have to deal with them anymore. But, that being said, this was well written and it does shed a lot of light to those who may not know its causation. P.S.: I could think of a lot of more adjectives to describe them. e.g.:rude, obnoxious, foul, careless,bumbling...||2006-05-11 11:25:55|
|One Night in Vegas||Michael Bird||Hey Michael. Wasn't this posted before? Looks familiar. Anyway, it rolls like your dice, clickety clickety. I can hear this one in a country song. Stay away from the white powder. You aren't just a looker are you?/||2006-05-06 19:08:15|
|Period 6||Ronald D Istivan||Hello Ronald and welcome. It's always good to see new poets and have a fresh new perspective. Period 6 I "assume" is a period in a classroom and you were bored to tears to write this little poem. It's structue can use some tightening (see below) however it was quite humorous. I liked the thought and the line about brainwashing the eyes. Never thought of that before. I trust that your neighbour has nothing to do with the devil...do you have a direct line? Thanks for this. While we are sitting in our chairs, slowly rotting away with nothing left but our pens.......................be careful here. You are switching back and forth between singular and plural first person here and the following stanzas. I would suggest this: While I was sitting in my chair slowly rotting away there was nothing left but my pen Look at your last stanza...where you use first person singular. Okay? Hope you understand. Let me know. Arnie||2006-04-25 13:30:54|
|Luna goes to bed…||Joanne M Uppendahl||What can I say except this is a "neat" piece. Concise and totally comprehensible...Does Luna really go to bed? Nice tight format. Good title. Good to have you back.||2006-04-24 14:32:19|
|Letter||Ronald D Istivan||Welcome. I got a kick out of this (I hope the humour was intentional). Sounds like you are one pissed off person who has some wounds to heal. Well done in almost cinquain. I wonder if he/she ever responded? Keep on writing.||2006-04-24 14:28:59|
|Tattered Memories||marilyn terwilleger||I am sure you haven't forgotten his face. A tender moment you shared with us all. Sometimes besides memories of our mind we do have those trinkets to hold and to fondle and remember the energy it gives us. Thanks for letting me into your life.||2006-04-09 14:45:45|
|Me||Thomas H. Smihula||It is only you that can feel the freedom of yourself. No one can take that away from you unless you let them. I am sure Vietnam did a number on you, and god bless you for coming out with the anger.||2006-04-07 18:57:29|
|Inhaled||Thomas H. Smihula||Well done. We all miss her. P.S.: watch your spelling.||2006-04-07 18:54:25|
|Time||Thomas H. Smihula||Oh you are so right! Time? It's precious to me because I near the end...I'm almost 71. How do I make the best of it? Like one friend says...one foot in front of the other! Nice read and well thought out.||2006-04-03 14:19:17|
|A Plea for Absolution||Mary J Coffman||Overactive? No...just a poet artist with a variance of immagination. I could see that artwork at a Holocaust museum to which I have seen three (museums)...the greatest in Washington, DC. Anyway, bacl this piece. If it truly is about a soldier who is doing his country's work, then there is nothing to be ashamed of except his conscience. There is much to be said about the latter. I enjoyed this piece. It worked well for me. My wife always kids me about absolution ... she's Catholic and I'm a Jew...Oy VAy! Death’s loathsome bell did toll...I was kinda hoping it didn't! My own sense of black humour! BTW I almost deleted your email as I didn't recognize the signature! Glad I didn't.||2006-04-03 14:09:20|
|Touch Me||Michael Bird||Wow. Wildly sensual. Brings me back a few years when I did the same. Thanks for the memories. One thing I can suggest is to take out the word "As". You used it in a couple of places...not needed and is distracting.||2006-04-01 12:15:36|
|Hurricane Season||Mark D. Kilburn||very interesting. The eyes have it! The eyes are the mirror to the soul some say. "confusind excess with happiness" is the key line here. I remember such times when I was doing the Hippie trip until I came to my senses one day and quit it all. Nice read. Goes smoothly.Title befits the poem but is it hurricane or typhoon? I know the difference but it depends on where you are.||2006-03-31 16:28:23|
|MELL W. MORRIS||Turner Lee Williams||What can I say? Thanks for this.||2006-03-27 16:12:16|
|Left||Dellena Rovito||I wasn't quite sure of what your title meant when I saw it but soon realized it had to do with Mell. It seems she has inspired from the grave as this is the second I've read on her today. Your second stanza is perfecto...perfect and well said. This is one of your finer pieces and I am glad I've read it.||2006-03-22 12:43:41|
|Song of the Faeries||Deborah L Bird||Well this certainly is nice to see that you took my suggestions. Either way though it's a fine piece and a find (if you get my drift). Thanks for this.||2006-03-17 16:25:12|
|COFFEE CUPS||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||Ah yes, old memories of old flames can be so thirst quenching, but all that changed when I got married. So my answer to you then is (if your're not already),,,,get married! Putting together the bitterness of relationships and then stir in the coffee is a very good analogy...though it can be bitter or sweet! Good title. Poem short and sweet~!||2006-03-15 13:14:44|
|Forgotten||Thomas H. Smihula||I am surmising that this is about Vietnam. Forgotten souls they were fighting a war that should have never been entered into. Irag and Afghanistan are in this as well...except there are no river boats. The one problem I had with this poem is this line: for they are not very fond. It just doesn't quite fit in. Otherwise a stark reminder of that war.||2006-03-14 11:53:51|
|Along The Fence||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||Delicate story stitched into this piece. And well crafted. Unfortunately I had to re-read it too many times because of the font you chose. Old(er)people like myself are probably the cause. But with Easter approaching this makes for a neat story. Hand stitching like grandma's is probably a lost art for everyone in her day knew how to do it. Me? I can hardly darn a sock! I hope that pink bunny finds a similar mate! Well done in the space you gave it.||2006-03-11 15:59:40|
|Hinging||James C. Horak||I used to tell my patients, or rather ask them "Does it really matter?" In the end does it really matter if you make your bed at all? Does it really matter if you don't eat all on your plate? I guess that this poem kind of answers that! It doesn't! Made me think this poem did.||2006-03-11 13:32:26|
|The Intercession||Brandon Gene Petit||This has an eerie quality and feeling about it. At first I thought is was about rising from the dead...some sacred ritual. But it is a ritual I can see these characters dancing in the round waiting perhaps for spring and warm climes. The Eastern fields bear some significance here for the sun rises there. Features damp, pages twitching...what a wonderful use of language here. Right on.||2006-03-11 09:47:55|
|In Passing...||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||The heaviness of the "d's" on line 2 makes this very somber. Quadrain is very effective here, as well as the title. I always thought parting was such sweet sorrow...(ugh).||2006-03-10 12:12:39|
|Poof||Kenneth R. Patton||No, it's not gone. The energy is still here. I once got shit from a critiquer. 'cause I said that we all have the energy of those gone by, even Hitler's. So no Kenneth, you are right. Good short piece which said much in 8 lines. Poof!||2006-03-08 13:47:05|
|An Indian Summer||Dellena Rovito||I like the way you wove this story. The colours are vivid...the story is scintillating. I don't know who Jackie is...perhaps you could have written about her...wove her through the fabric of this piece. Time's continuation keeps it movement.....the tense here isn't right. S/B, time's continuation keeps it moving. Thanks for posting. This was the last on my list.||2006-03-07 17:02:50|
|Snip, Snip||James C. Horak||Your Napoleon sweety boy will not be that. The operation does not supress their sexual desires. Last night my cat (an indoor one)kept running to the window. Something was out there (how does he know when he's inside and asleep?). But anyway, all night attacking the window. Too dark out there to find out wheat it was. We have cougara, bears, cats etc roaming here. Anyway, your cat will soon get over the wounds and become his old self again minus the trigger. The title was very appropritate. At first I thought it would be about a circumcision of the male form. Mine was done at age 8 days as prescribed by Jewish law. Didn't feel a thing!! Good read. better laid out however watch those sapital letters at the beginning of a sentence where it's not needed. It will make for a better read. Meow!!!||2006-03-06 16:16:08|
|If I Could Tell Him the Truth||Theresa H Johnson||It bodes well for me. An enduring tale. You do not tell us if this person was someone you knew or if he jumped. And then there is the truth...something of which I have written a lot about. What is truth and in whose eyes? The interpretation of truth can only be garnered from one person...ones self. glass pains ...should this be "panes"? I do not believe in your religious philosophy but so be it. At least we can live here in relative peace. I wonder if it should be left out of this otherwise interesting piece for I do not see any purpose in it being there. Just my take on it.||2006-03-05 13:31:27|
|Traded Visions||James C. Horak||I have no arguement with this (although I'm not Christian). I do have a problem (which I've written to you before and about) the layout of this piece. It is very disconcerting and does not bode will with me. There are line breaks where I do not like to see them for it makes reading stumble, and capital letter as well. I trust that you will look into this. Note: I once saw a painting done by a S.American artist depcting the Last Supper with all the persons in the right places, etc., however, on the table was a ham!||2006-03-05 13:22:00|
|How to press a button||Mark Andrew Hislop||A leucotomy? My med. dictionary has no such term, and as a nurse I have never heard of it but otomy means to remove. So, I assume you hit a button with your fist? What that all has to do with the rest of the poem is beyond me, but I am sure someone will come along after this and think it absolutely brilliant. For me, I think it is c..p!||2006-03-03 11:32:00|
|My Sometime Shepherd||Mark Andrew Hislop||I have often wondered how people like Stevie Wonder can learn to play an instruement like he does. Today I go for my cataract surgery...so this has some meaning for me.You may have dredged this one up however it is a well written "imprinted" crime. Good on ya mate!||2006-03-01 09:44:56|
|Black is the knife||Mark Andrew Hislop||Wonderful...best you've written in a long time. It could be sung. I remember a song I used to sing as a dippy Hippie..."Black is the colour of my true love's hair, in the morning..." This has a definite lilt to it||2006-02-24 16:17:29|
|In Another's Obsession||James C. Horak||So, you made love to a machine!! What a wonderful analogy. I had patients who made it with sheep and pigs! I find the punctuation somewhat distracting, i.e.: the capitals at the beginning of a new line where it's not needed. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be somewhat humourus...Maybe you were East of Eden (belch). As ever, your rustic poet!||2006-02-23 13:40:48|
|Senses with Reasons||Thomas H. Smihula||Thomas...your poetry has improved immensely. I like this one for it plays with my senses although I would like to see you bring in the feelings here. Eyes viewing the sunset, warmth radiates into the inner thoughts knowledge has been gained; through the turbulence of creation with a generating heat, in times sight..........this is the one line I don't like and don't think it fits Other than that I would change the title to: Senses without Reason. Why? Because senses have no reasoning power...they just are.||2006-02-23 13:34:38|
|Sir Richard Burton||James C. Horak||Forgive me if I'm brief here as my eyesight is not good today. thank goodness I can touch type eh!? I saw Burton on Broadway in Camelot...my first experience seeing him in any capacity. this back in the early 60s. I find this piece intriguing yet hard to read (not only because of my eyes), but I find it stilted...it really doesn't flow. And those periods at the ends of sentences which really aren't ends in some places very disturbing. I"m not sure why you brought up Miller's penis here. I know he dipped it into MM but that's all the connection between the two or did Burton have it in for her too? I appologize for not coming up with something better, but that's the best I can offer right now...negative sutff I guess...||2006-02-09 14:57:02|
|The Fan Tail, The Dog Watch, and Bliss||James C. Horak||Was that a Navy thing or civilian? i did my time in the RCAF and some in the USA so I am not really familiar with "watches" per se. Jules Verne already knew what the bottom was like, after all he did write about fathoms. One is not lonely if one can read ... so true. Unfortunately I have upcoming cataract surgery (or should I say fortunately) so that I'll be able to read. I was intrigued by the title which drew me into this neat piece.||2006-02-04 11:21:15|
|Rain||Thomas H. Smihula||Are you saying I should walk in the rain more often? Here on the west coast which we refer to as the wet coast it has rained 32/39 days. Way too much for me. I'm growing webbed feet.Hmm. Guess I will need more nourishment. There is no way to avoid the rain except stay inside. And that's where I write this. The one thing I can suggest is to find a new more invigorating title.||2006-02-04 11:13:20|
|The Quest||Thomas H. Smihula||Metaphysical yet metaphorical...reaching into Native spirit world. I trust it was not your spirit engulfed for that would not be good. You would have to give back something to Mother Earth and what's usually given is tobacco. Who's quest? Nice short form with a title that bears some explanation.||2006-02-02 11:58:18|
|substratus||Regis L Chapman||Well I read that while I was taking a psychiatry course and it completely screwed my mind. I then had to unlearn what I read. Now back to normal - whatever that is. I am befuddled by this piece and then thought it read better without the infiltrating "I am" etc. Of course you know that Jesus supposedly said "I am" when asked if he was G-d. This statement is totally blasphemous 'cuse there can only be one. So, the title is interesting and fits the piece. Namaste.||2006-02-01 17:09:34|
|Australia Day Revised To Comply With New ...||Mark Andrew Hislop||Not a true poem but a story in poetic fashion eh? In Canada we celebrate Canada Day July 1st by alughtering the last seals off the coast of Newfoundland that have escaped the yearly rout. No more seals for high fashioned ladies, and no more igloos for the poor indigionus peoples of the North. So, your burning flesh is Kosher though...||2006-01-28 17:25:32|
|A Tattered Poem (Somewhat more than usual)||James C. Horak||Tattered ya, but interesting. Perhaps if Tvsi used one more bottle he could have climbed to heaven! And the Ghandi Kool Aid? Remember that guy who killed all his followers. with Kool Aid? How duped some people are! And perhaps the people that built Stone Henge were also duped. And ya, I had a plan once which was to be a millionaire by age 40...could have made except I got divorced and then you know what happened!!!||2006-01-28 12:56:51|
|Drummer boy||Mark Andrew Hislop||Is that what you did Mark? Made your neighbours deaf? Bad boy! Quite an unusual use for the v. splay. And also unusual that you compare his growth to sprouts. Okay I get it now. My father used to say I was growing like a weed or you're really sprouting. Okay...Keep this one for your son and let him read it if he gets married.||2006-01-28 12:44:53|
|Darning||Dellena Rovito||Well Dellena I never thought I would read a poem (and it is one) about darning socks. I didn't think anyone aver did that anymore. Socks these days are inexpensive so replacing them is not a big deal (at least by my standards anyway). Habitually I do, with all things that have worn broken: broken-promises, broken-hearts, broken-bones, and broken-spirits. I've been broken, my family broken and my friends broken Those above lines are the most telling about yourself...how does all that happen? Again I read a "poor me" attitude! Quite frankly I don't hear you taking on any responsibility for thos things. It's all "me me me" here. And do you want to know the truth (well maybe you don't)...you let it happen!!! I have a feeling you won't want to hear from me again...but I just had to tell you. You are ungrateful... You need a change of attitude.||2006-01-25 14:58:34|
|I Know You||James C. Horak||MAH on a swinging vine? G-forbid~! Anyway, Quite elegant, but too wordy for my liking...but that's me. Undenounced by those caught up in a lie they're Not so similar. But they are. Preciously, are. We must let "them" have their little lie (s). It will soon catch up to them. But here, you are pronouncing that it is the truth. But whose truth? And then...the title...Do you really know him? I was once married to a woman for 14 years until she turned tail on me...who knew?...Not me that's for sure. So, according to moi, the premise is not truthful! Cheers..and shalom.||2006-01-25 14:46:38|
|Evening Eyes||Brandon Gene Petit||Good visuals. Put me into that flame.Syncopation is pretty good. The first two lines captured my attention, and brought me to the end easily. I suspect that you are away at school far from your home and the sea (or maybe you are in jail). Good title. Thanks for the submission.||2006-01-22 12:07:08|
|Soon, a Year||Thomas Edward Wright||I settled into an ease from your first lines. There are many trees to climb in this rain forest, but alack I am too old and my grand-kids too far away. Brought back memories of the oak tree I used to climb, most of the time scared to death! I even found it hard to climb that damn rope in the gymnasium! I like the human like description you have of this tree. Very original. And the bottle and belt notcher indeed. Guess I'm in the latter catagory hahaha. The last passage is very whimsical. Good title. I enjoyed it.||2006-01-20 16:45:43|
|The Poorly Dressed||James C. Horak||Are you meaning to say that all poets must be poorly dressed? Or does that matter? I do come and go (don't we all?).I would say the best line is the one aboutfff volatility. We as poets do tend to that towards one another but is the general non poetic culture aware of this if you get my drift. Guess you got me thinking here. I see some humour here as well.||2006-01-15 12:07:27|
|Rhyme||Paul von Kempf, JR.||Well, it's quite certain that you don't know how to rhyme...but that's okay 'cause I have trouble counting syllables and would much rather use free verse. So, I hope that the hearse hasn't come by to pick you up yet! Very amusing, yet so true. BTW, free verse is two words!I would also suggest that you change the title to make it more intriguing.||2006-01-11 14:09:28|
|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN||Critique Date|
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